Strong Urge.

urge

 

 

*Strong self-harm theme*

 

I know things are bad when I start dreaming about self-harm. I dreamt I was in a hospital, and using an old, bent tool, furiously trying to kill myself, but the damage just wasn’t enough. And staff kept coming in, trying to heal me before I was done.

This dream was a manifestation of my waking thoughts. I’m not going to lie, I want to harm myself badly. I want to end up in hospital. The only things stopping me from doing that are my family, and knowing I’d be a burden on the NHS. If I didn’t have these things, this conscience, then I’d have done it by now. I want to. And the frustration and trapped feeling I have because I can’t do it, is unbearable.

Whenever I harm myself nowadays, I have to restrict myself to only doing enough damage as I can treat myself. I definitely won’t go for treatment, not again. It wasn’t a bad experience I had, like some people have had, but it was the shame I felt, with my parents having to take me – I wouldn’t want to relive that. Not at the moment – they have enough to worry about without me adding to it. As a family we’ve spent enough time in hospitals in the last year. The last thing they need is me adding to that. But it’s what I want.

And I realise how selfish that is. I realise how attention-seeking that appears. But what it boils down to is I’ve been so strong for so long, I want to be cared for. I want to not have to deal with things anymore. I want people to understand my pain. But the rational side of my brain knows that people could never understand me hurting myself.

And that’s the torment of someone who self-harms. Nobody understands the act of self-harm, and nobody understands the pain we feel that leads to self-harm, and why we’re hurting so much inside. Chronically misunderstood.

I feel ashamed that at my age I would want to put strain on the NHS by causing harm to myself. Maybe at a younger age, but people would expect me to have ‘grown out of’ self-harm by now. But sadly that’s not how it works. And I really am struggling with life at the moment.

I’m existing. I’m getting through days. Heading towards an unknown target. My first target is my doctors appointment next month. This appointment itself won’t help me, but it might be the door I need to getting the help I need.

My life consists of going and working, doing my duty, and then the rest of the time hibernating, looking after myself, trying to stay alive and safe until that appointment. Beyond that I haven’t thought.

I’m aware I’m pushing friends away at the moment. But in all honesty I don’t believe I deserve them. I think they want to go. Even the closest of friends can’t cope with my issues anymore, which translates to me as they can’t deal with me anymore. I know I’ve gone backwards. I know I’m a burden to people. I know they don’t know how to help me, and I can’t tell them how to. I honestly believe people have had enough of me now, and can’t be bothered. Old friends are giving up on me, and newer ones are probably thinking ‘why did I ever get to know this person?’… Last year changed even the deepest of friendships I had, and now all is uncertain. All is unsafe. I have new beliefs about friendship. And I have new beliefs about myself because of last year. And I no longer want to inflict myself on others. And because of this isolation, I also have nobody to care about me, so I have to turn all my care to myself. So to others I may seem selfish, but I honestly can’t take anything else on at the moment. I can’t care about anyone else. I mean of course I CARE. I just can’t care in detail. I can’t do small talk. I can’t worry about anything or feel any more feelings. And I can’t confront anyone about my feelings anymore. The last time I did was too upsetting an experience, that I now believe I have to shut up and put up with it, or I have to walk away. And that’s why I push people away now. Some I don’t think will ever come back.

But in a way I don’t care. The fewer people I have proving to me they care, the closer I am to putting myself in hospital. I feel as unwell as I did ten years ago. I feel closed off like before. I feel as alone as before. I feel as depressed as before. I’m sinking in mud, and nobody is trying to pull me out. The only reason I haven’t already sunk completely is my family. And they are the reason I’m going to the doctor, to get better… for them. I have to remain well and strong for them. They’ve been on this journey with me, and they can see me getting worse, and I don’t want that. I want them to be proud of me, and to see me continue getting better. I won’t let my stupid past and heartless people make me ill, and stop my family being proud of me. I’ll do it for them. They’re all I’ve got now.

Too Much.

too-much

 

Sorry for this selfish post. Can’t sleep and got so much in my heart and mind at the moment.
*As usual names changed*
*Contains references to self-harm and suicide*

 

I’m scared. I’m in a dark place. I feel flat. I feel so sad and alone.

This all started last year. So many close family members were seriously ill and in hospital. That would be enough for someone to have to cope with. It’s something I always feared…. not having someone to support me through it. I always hoped to be in a relationship by the time I’d lose someone, so that they’d be there to catch me, and protect me from myself. Not only has this not happened, but anyone I did have to support me wasn’t truly there.

Cutting straight to the chase, I was thrown way back in my recovery by the reappearance of an ex-friend Holly last year. I’m sorry to have to say that, but it’s true. And nobody will ever understand the lasting impact that has had on my life. I can’t keep having my hurtful past coming back.

There was a guy called Jon, and he and I kept drifting apart, as he’d go silent on me for months at a time. Every time we’d reunite he’d end up hurting me the same. That’s over now thankfully. My ex Dan hurt me a lot. Then last year he got in touch, we met and caught up on everything, and then he disappeared on me again. Two friends, Rachel and Liam got together – there’s a whole story there which I won’t go into now – let’s just say I couldn’t bear seeing them together. I didn’t have to see them for a year and a half. Then I had to see them at a wedding. It opened that wound up again. That was three years ago, so that wound is, or was, closing. And Holly hurt me in 2012. In 2013 she apologised and we became friends again, and she very quickly repeated her behaviour, so we fell out again. Despite this, in 2014 I was foolish enough to try and clear the air with her, and she yet again hurt me with how she chose to handle things. Then that was it. She was finally gone and that wound which had been opened three times, was finally allowed to scab over.

Two years to heal. And I’ll have you know I was doing very well with it. I hardly thought of Holly. I could look at old memories and even laugh at one or two of them…. but missing something doesn’t mean you want it back in your life… some things just aren’t healthy anymore. Anyway the pain was easing, I just knew she wasn’t a decent person. She was actually in the pile with another friend I used to have called Laura – who was a pathological liar. I cut her out of my life as pretending that your mum is dead is a step too far in my book. I don’t wish Laura any ill. I just think I’m better off without her. I’m indifferent. And that’s where I had got to with Holly. Until last year.

And then all the work I had done to overcome the pain she had caused me, was erased. And now I can’t get over it. It doesn’t feel like this wound can ever heal now, because it’s also tied up with a close friend. It’s taken on a whole new depth. It’s like the Holly wound was deep, but straight down, and adding my friend to the equation sliced in another direction too, so that this big chunk of my heart is nearly cut out, and just hanging on by a fibre….that kind of wound can’t heal. It’s too deep. It’s too complex.

I can’t think how to explain the pain. I can’t find a way to make people understand the damage that’s been done. Okay, she didn’t approach me directly. She didn’t say something harmful like she had every other time she came back. But that changes nothing. I know what she is. I know what she’s like. And I have evidence to back all that up. I’m not making it up. And it hurts that my friends don’t believe what she put me through… how she made me feel…. what she is.

I can’t stop people being friends with her. But to know what she did to me, and to choose to let her back in your life… I can’t understand it. I can’t. I know she’s gone again now, possibly for good. But I’m not allowed to talk about her anymore. That’s why I’m blogging, because I have nobody to talk to about this massive chunk of heart that’s barely holding on. This huge wound that has not only been reopened, but worsened – I have to keep quiet about it. And that’s something I cannot do, not without doing great harm to myself.

I feel so upset, because I’ve gone backwards. Every BPD trait has worsened. My anger is worse and I’ve had more outbursts. I’m a lot more negative and bitter.I’ve had a lot more negative thoughts, sometimes unable to get to sleep because of thinking late into the night. I’ve self-harmed a lot more. I’ve distanced myself from friends. And the ‘splitting’ is a constant battle. Paranoia, and cycling through emotions too – feeling angry at people, then guilty for that anger, scared to lose them, sadness that they don’t care. And disturbing thoughts, images and urges, and intrusive memories. Hating myself too.

I’ve been more anxious and severely depressed as a result of the Holly situation, and the fallout it caused with my friend… And then within a week or two of sorting things with my friend, my granddad went into hospital. That was the tipping point for me. I wasn’t strong enough mentally for that to happen. I had been put in a very bad state of mind. Like I said, I wanted to feel safe and secure, with someone’s shoulder to lean on, but instead I had no relationship, and I’d spent the last two months at least, distressed by the reappearance of Holly, and what appeared at the time as abandonment by my friend. And that’s something I can’t get over.

My year got worse and worse, and this year it continues. I don’t think I could’ve coped with these traumatic life events, even if I was in a good state of mind. But to have had that Holly stuff all opened up in the lead up to it all, there’s a part of me finding it hard to forgive. 2012 was the ‘worst time of my life’. Holly played a major part in that. But this last year has without a doubt been the worst time of my life, without the addition of Holly – the addition of Holly only added the horrible flashbacks of the other worst time of my life, to a terrible year. It was like my two worst years combined into one.

With the memories of 2012 didn’t just come Holly, but also Rachel and Liam, and Jon. ALL of those people irreparably hurt me in the space of a month. All of it has come back. I’ve managed to keep the thoughts of Jon at bay, mainly because I’ve written about it which has helped. And I don’t have very strong ties to him. But the Rachel and Liam thing keeps coming back to haunt me, because of their close link with Holly and my close friend. I can’t forget what happened with them either. The past has opened up, and I HAVE TO deal with it alone. Nobody wants to know.

On top of that, my dad is recovering from a series of heart attacks, and my granddad is dying. And I don’t know what to do with the overwhelming flood of emotions inside me. I’m back several years, where I can’t even recognise what emotion I’m experiencing. It’s just a jumble, and makes you feel sick. I don’t want to go to sleep tonight. I feel numb. I feel I’ll be waking up to the worst news.

People on the outside would likely see things as separate – 2012 was separate. Holly coming back was separate. My friend’s involvement was separate. So were all the illnesses of family members. And so is the state of my mental health. This isn’t true to me however. From the outside you experience things differently. Even my friend would – she would only see her involvement with Holly last year. So probably to her, my behaviour and state wouldn’t make sense. I see the bigger picture. Every little thing in my life builds a bigger picture. I haven’t healed from 2012, because I had to encounter Rachel and Liam in 2014. I stupidly tried sorting things with Jon every year until this one. And the same for Holly – but 2014 was the cut off point for me with her.. my chance to heal. I personally cannot heal from hurtful people if I’m constantly reminded of them. I need to pretend they don’t exist… they’re dead to me. I know it sounds extreme, but it’s the only thing that works for me, to initially get over something and get to the point where I’m indifferent towards them. I haven’t been allowed time, particularly with Holly. It took two years to start getting somewhere, so it’s going to take AT LEAST that amount of time to heal again, plus extra for the trauma it’s caused in other friendships. If the scab gets disturbed another time, I think I’ll just let it bleed me dry. Because I can’t handle it anymore.

I want the past to stay firmly in the past. And I will do whatever is necessary to protect myself from the past, even if it means starting over somewhere new, where I don’t know anyone. I will find a way if I have to.

The main problem right now is knowing what to do. I know I need help. I feel myself sinking further into depression and BPD. Some days I don’t want to open the curtains or get out of bed. Some days it’s such an effort to just breathe with the weight of all of this. I should go the doctors and see if they can direct me towards the best option of help. I don’t know what someone with my circumstances should do for mental health support. I don’t know whether I go back to the mental health services, or if I’m not ‘serious’ enough for them now. I think I am. But I don’t want to go backwards. I don’t want to go back to being set homework every week, and checked up on. I don’t want someone telling me to get over the past, let it go, as if it’s something I can just do. Believe me, I WISH I could get over it. The powerlessness to ‘get over it’ sometimes makes me want to take ‘the easy way out’… sometimes it feels the only way all the hurt and memories will go away is if I take them with me out of this world.

I don’t want judgement. I want someone to understand how hard this is for me. I want someone who I can talk to face to face, and pour my heart out, and have it accepted and validated. I want someone to allow me to feel how I feel, without expecting me to shut up about it. I just want the burden to lessen. Imminent grief and resentment of the past, is a bad mixture, and right now it feels like a great weight on my heart. I don’t know how much longer I can cope with all this.

“But You Don’t LOOK Ill…”

lookill

 

 

Do you know how hard it is, living in this world, with a mental illness? To look perfectly normal and functional on the outside, but broken to pieces inside? Take me for example. I’m apparently a friendly, approachable, kind looking person. I’ve apparently got a clear telephone voice. I’m eloquent and intelligent (again, apparently). I can string a sentence together. I am capable of smiling and even laughing. Therefore I must be okay mustn’t I…? Surely someone like me couldn’t be depressed, anxious, suicidal… surely I don’t have a personality disorder…. surely I don’t self-harm.

And that’s where the trouble lies… people’s understanding of mental health isn’t enough. If you have a broken leg, it’s obvious. People can see the cast on your leg, the crutches, the hobbling. If you have brain damage and are confined to a wheelchair and can’t speak – that’s obvious. Even with some other ‘invisible illnesses’ such as cancer, which may grow on the inside of the body – the treatment for such an illness may cause the loss of hair, so people would presume you have cancer. And as a result, for any of these, people would likely feel sorry for you, and wish the best for you.

But when it comes to mental health…. the most invisible of all the invisible illnesses…. people don’t believe you. And when they do, they think you should just click your fingers and get over it. Where is the compassion that is so desperately needed for the mentally ill? Why are there jokes about ‘crazy people’, people who belong in the ‘loony bin’..? Even the term ‘mentally ill’ feels like it has negative connotations to it. Too many people feel ashamed to speak about their mental illnesses. And in a world such as this, I can’t blame them. There’s such little understanding and compassion, and life is already hard enough for people like us, that reaching out and being misunderstood or ridiculed would only worsen the wound.

So we keep our feelings locked up inside. We perfect the art of smiling and pretending we are capable of functioning in this world, whilst believing we never will… we’re not meant for this world. We’ll never be where everyone else is. We’re too delicate to survive here. But what choice have we got other than to put our faces on, turn up and try our best in life?

If we let the world know how we truly feel, we fear being misunderstood and ignored or dismissed. But if we keep it inside, and pretend to be happy, we’re constantly being misunderstood… nobody ever knows how much pain we’re in…. how scared we are…. how alone we feel.

Sometimes even our friends and family aren’t aware of our mental health issues, or the depth of them. We may have confided in people before and had it abused, so we’re afraid to tell anyone again… maybe we’ve been abandoned as a result of telling our truth, and don’t want to risk that again. So our friends think we’re fine, we’re happy, strong and fully capable of everything we want in life….. we’re capable of dating, finding the one to settle down with and have a family; learning to drive; moving out and living alone; having a job; down to little things like answering the phone or dealing with official letters. We give off the impression that we have it all together. We’re intelligent enough to be able to do these things.

But what they don’t know is the fear of being hurt…. the debilitating self-loathing that prevents us from putting ourselves out there to meet someone…. the belief and fear that nobody could ever love us – we’re damaged. The fear that they may love us, and we have to be that close to someone…. after being alone all our lives, it’s the fear of the unknown. They don’t know the anxiety that prevents us from learning to drive, in order to be independent. They don’t know the overwhelming worries about living alone and all the potential problems it could bring for someone with mental health issues, nor the lack of funds to do just that, as you feel incapable of a full-time job. They don’t know the sickening fear when the phone rings…. the way we go into shut-down mode when faced with officialdom. To feel so inept and incapable of ever holding down a job, because of our personality disorder, which causes trouble in relationships (professional included), causes outbursts of emotion, which could ultimately cost you your job, and faced with any issue makes us self-harm, and want to leave the place of work.

Nobody knows all this. Nobody can see the turmoil on your face, on your body… except for the self-harm scars, nobody would know you’re suffering. It’s all happening on the inside – and if they cut you open they still wouldn’t even see your suffering, as it’s ‘all in the mind’.

Some people are able to hold down a job with a mental illness. Some find it harder and are unemployed. People with mental illness can claim sickness benefits to help support them until they’re ‘fit for work’. In order to receive these though you have to convince them you are ill. And with mental illness that’s the hardest thing to have to do. How do you prove how messed up you are inside? Because the second you can explain it to people, they think ‘she can talk about it alright, so she must be fine’….. it’s true that’s what happens. They look at what you CAN do…. if you can stand up by yourself, go to the toilet by yourself, and bend down to pick something up, then you’re ‘fit for work’.

 

benefits

 

What doesn’t happen enough in the benefits system is individual support for those with mental health conditions. For instance… people with Borderline Personality Disorder, will not be able to work under pressure…. they will not take kindly to ‘tough love’ or threats of sanctioning. They need to do things at their pace. They need to know the help is there if and when they need it. No ‘meeting targets’. Targets don’t work for all people. For me, I don’t mind setting myself targets in my mind, and trying to complete them. But setting them with someone else, in a time-frame, and the expectations to complete them by a certain date, it doesn’t work.

I know I’m not the only person to have had this problem. Unfortunately those with mental illness, the most vulnerable in the country are the casualties of the benefits system. So what happens is this……. a lot of people claiming benefits for their mental health issues, either end up going backwards in recovery from the stress – some sadly even commit suicide as a result…. or they come off of benefits and have to live off of absolutely nothing. Then it’ll say in the news about how the number of people claiming benefits has decreased – indicating rising employment, when really it’s because the people most in need, and the genuine claimants are pushed to the point of it’s ‘benefits or death’. And they think it’s better to be alive and unable to afford anything, than to be harassed until the point of suicide.

The trouble is they think what they ask of claimants is very simple, very basic and not a big deal. But that shows the lack of understanding they have, just like everyone else, of mental health. We’re not like ‘normal people’. We can’t just fill in a form, make a phone call, join a group, apply for jobs etc… every little thing causes anxiety. The fear of losing control…. people like us need to feel in control of where we’re going and the pace at which we’re heading there. They don’t know what it’s like to not feel in control of your own emotions…. so the concept of losing control in other ways is terrifying, and something we just can’t do. They don’t know what it’s like to fight the dark thoughts every day, that tell us we’ll never fit into this world…. we’re failures…. we’d be better off dead. I remember being in a work-focused meeting once, and the lady saying what I had to do as my goals, which I didn’t think I could do at the time… and I just sat there, looking out the window, nodding along, and I thought…. “It doesn’t matter what you set for me to do…. I’ll be dead soon anyway”… I’d have sooner died than be forced to do things I wasn’t ready for, and I know I’m not capable of doing at this point. They probably think people like me are just being ‘difficult’ – particularly as I can write about this quite fluently… but it’s not the case. I’m writing because I feel strongly about this, for other people. There are too many casualties of the benefits system and it’s not the ones sat on their arses, smoking and drinking… it’s not the young couples having kid after kid, living off child benefit and housing benefit…. it’s not the ones claiming to have a back injury, who go dancing on a Saturday night…. it’s the ones with mental illness – the easy targets…. if you can’t prove you’re ill, then you’ll be pushed until you come off of benefits, and that’s one less person to have to worry about…. one more tick towards their targets of cutting benefits. I have been sanctioned for about three years, because I was unable to do what they wanted me to do at the time. I’m very close to becoming penniless. But I don’t care. My mental health and the progress I’m slowly making is more important to me than money. Unfortunately I’ve gone backwards in my recovery in the last year, so the climb is even harder than before. But I know I will get there one day… I will do my best to get a job and I’ll have faith that I will be able to cope with it one day… I know I can’t at the moment. But convincing anyone else of that, is an impossible task.

 

normal

 

And that is the biggest difficulty of mental health issues…. nobody believing you….. people expecting things from you, because you ‘don’t look ill’ and you ‘don’t sound ill’. It shows in work environments, to friendships – people expect you to always be there for them… not knowing that sometimes we can’t even be there for ourselves. We can’t look after ourselves let alone anyone else. We have too much chaos going on in our minds, to even contemplate talking to someone else about their life. It may seem selfish, but that’s how mental illness often seems. But we never chose to feel this way. God I would love to be a ‘normal’ person…. to have a job, a car, a house, a husband and two children. I’d love it. To not feel sick with anxiety most days… to not feel the need to bleed every time I’m in deep emotional pain…. to not think about suicide….. to actually believe I am worthy, loved and capable of existing in this world….. to feel like I belong. ‘Normal people’ don’t know how lucky they have it. They take it for granted. If only they knew how hard it is to not only live with a mental illness, but to have to exist in this world, pretending that you don’t…

Words Can Kill.

words

*Contains very bad language*
*Names have been changed*
*Personal post, but you may relate to some of it*

What I wish people without BPD knew is, without walking on eggshells, be careful with your words… particularly if they’re written ones. Because the words you choose to write to me will be forever etched in my mind, and replayed over and over again in times of crisis.

It’s different writing to me than speaking to me. In person conversation is spontaneous. We can sometimes say something without thinking. But writing…. there’s an opportunity to step back and think what to write and what not to write. Okay I admit I’ve written many things I’ve regretted, whilst in emotional mind. Sometimes the adrenaline pumps, or you’re crying your eyes out and not thinking straight, and if you don’t have the awareness to take that step back, you’re going to say something you might regret, or that might hurt someone’s feelings. I’m aware everyone makes mistakes.

But most people don’t have BPD. They’re not impulsive. They’re not taken over by their emotions to the same degree. They’re likely more ‘rational’ in difficult times, so they should know better. The trouble of course is they don’t understand the impact their words will have on someone with BPD, as they don’t have the same problem of replaying hurtful words as they harm themselves.

Below are some of the many harmful words which replay through my mind when my thoughts are snowballing. There are others, but these are just a few:

 

Holly:

 

Hi, if I don’t hear from you today I’ll assume you cannot meet and make other plans xx”

The reason to not be like this with someone with mental health issues, is you have no idea what they’re going through. The person who said this to me asked about midnight, and then sent this about 10 /11 am the following morning. I hadn’t had time to read her messages, let alone think of my answer. It wasn’t about meeting that day, it was a couple of days in the future! All this will do is get my back up. It’ll make me think ‘ well, if you want to make assumptions go right ahead, OR you could have a little empathy and check everything’s okay with me instead of getting bolshy’.

“Ellie. All your friends care about you so much and we are all really worried about you. You are not gonna like what I’m going to say but it’s only because I really care about you! This obsession you have with Nick is not normal, I know you say it’s more complicated than that, that’s fair enough but I’m just worried about how this is all effecting you, you seem really depressed and I’m worried it could get worse and you might try and kill yourself – I know that’s extreme but it sounds to me your statuses are a cry for help and I really think you should seek professional help maybe counselling or therapy. Your problems won’t go away unless you confront them and I know that can be extremely difficult but you can do that, you have a great support network around you and I think sometimes you forget that”.

I can never forget how this girl very openly accused me of being mentally ill. She bluntly told me that I was obsessed with someone and it wasn’t ‘normal’. Some think being blunt or direct is a good thing… it’s ‘just being honest’ – but actually sometimes it’s just plain rude and hurtful. I was not obsessed with that Nick guy. If that was how she chose to view it then that’s her decision. Maybe she was obsessed with the situation. She always seemed to have a lot to say about my personal situations, and got stressed out over things that should’ve only stressed ME out! All that was happening was I was trying to survive a highly upsetting experience with a complete and utter jerk. And when I was younger I did the thing young people sometimes do, and expressed my feelings on social media. I did that, so that my friends didn’t feel pressured into helping me. I couldn’t directly turn to one of them and say, can I talk to you. So she was right, the statuses were a ‘cry for help’, but not in the dramatic way she meant, only in the sense of ‘if anyone’s available to talk, I’m not in a good way’.

She didn’t know the details of what I was going through. But to be honest if she was that concerned I might ‘try and kill myself’ then that’s an in-person conversation. It just sounded harsh and emotionless in a message. What she didn’t know is I was already receiving help. But things don’t magically fix themselves with psychological help – there will always be ups and downs. And I was confronting my difficulties – I do it every day! She also made it sound like I took my friends for granted, which was the furthest thing from the truth.

Bottom line, some things should only be said in person. Writing lives forever. This was one of those things.

“Try and help me understand coz at the moment I feel like you don’t even wanna be friends. The other night you only invited me coz Laura couldn’t make it, otherwise you only ever invite Laura. Is there something else bothering you? I think with the Nick stuff we just need to agree to disagree x x x”

This wasn’t true. But so what if it was? So what if I only invited Laura… maybe she was being supportive whilst everyone else seemed to be against me. I don’t actually know where Holly got these ideas from. She obviously had some deep-seated jealousy issue. She was bothering me, that was the answer to her question. And I was happy to disagree with her on the ‘Nick stuff’ – she didn’t know what she was talking about anyway.

One thing not to do with someone with BPD is falsely accuse them of things. Even though we know the truth it will still mess with our heads, and we may doubt ourselves. We’ll also harbour thoughts, such as ‘well, if you think that of me, you obviously don’t know me or think very highly of me‘ and then we’ll be more prone to splitting with you. And that’s something very hard to recover from.

“Can I be really funny and ask you not to chat about him to me as well as it just stresses me out because he’s told me to my face he’s not interested in you and I’ve told you this but you’re not listening that’s fair enough but I just don’t like this stressed feeling I get coz I think you’re gonna get hurt. Hugs x x x”

Can I just say really blunt cold things that show I have no understanding of mental health issues or how to talk to people or how to use punctuation and then I’ll make it seem so much nicer by putting ‘Hugs x x x’ at the end…… I had just made a really flippant comment, a joke about the guy, and she replied with this. She banned me from talking to her about this person and situation, because it stressed HER out thinking I was going to get hurt. She showed no hint of thinking about the stress and pain I was feeling, given that I was in the middle of it. It was such a selfish view.

If you don’t want me to talk about something anymore then there’s likely a much nicer way to say it than that. I’m sorry Holly wasn’t taught about tact. It was quite funny that she said I wasn’t listening when she would be the world’s guiltiest person in regards to that. Basically don’t be a bitch to someone like me. To ban me talking about something that I’m going through which hurts me, is to tell me it’s wrong to talk about things, and that I should deal with it alone. And unfortunately my way of dealing with things like that alone, was self-harm.

“Ellie I’m really worried about you. Nick has contacted me and we are both really worried about you. You are harassing Nick and he’s close to a restraining order. Please use the time we would have met tomorrow to talk to someone and arrange more therapy or to up the therapy as it’s obviously not working. You really need to get some more help. What you’re getting now is not enough! Hugs! Xxx”

She didn’t want me talking to her about things, yet she’d happily talk about me behind my back with him. This was an issue blown completely out of proportions by two narcissistic arseholes. Holly loved ‘drama’ so would relish in the concept of ‘harassment’ and ‘restraining orders’. Nick meanwhile was a jerk. He thought he was that special, that he had his own ‘stalker’. It was after my final contact with him. I was NEVER going to get in touch again, and never did! Just like with Holly they jumped on the drama train after it had left. They may have thought it would make me continue to pay attention to them, to try and ‘fix’ things, but no such luck. When I’m done I’m done.

“…. arrange more therapy or… up the therapy as it’s obviously not working”. Fuck you Holly. You don’t know the first thing about therapy – you could have done with some yourself! What exactly did she mean by ‘up the therapy’ – yes I’ll have a stronger dose of therapy today. Shows what a complete lack of understanding about mental health she has. To have that kind of comment thrown at me, when I had worked SO hard to improve myself, was extremely upsetting. I’d been in therapy for a good couple of years, doing DBT. I was still in therapy. It was enough. The only thing making me as mentally ill as I was at the time were people like Nick, Laura and Holly herself. I can’t believe the way she used to talk to me back then. And she’d always make it seem like she cared, and she’d put ‘hugs’ at the end. Which is the equivalent of ‘Fuck you! * Smiley face * ‘

Many times I could’ve said to Holly that she needed help for her narcissism. But I didn’t. I had self-restraint. I’m not rude like that. But she had a disease that made her blurt out anything that entered her mind. She felt okay telling me ‘you need serious help… you’re mentally ill’. She ought to be made to attend lessons on mental health and how to be a sensitive, kind person to her friends.

Never write anything like this to someone with BPD. It’s rude. You don’t know what you’re talking about, and you won’t be appreciated for it. Also don’t talk behind their back with the person causing them a load of pain, and then challenge your friend – it comes across as you ‘ganging up’ on your friend. You’ll lose their respect.

“I’m really sorry I’ve had to remove you as a friend on Facebook. I get a bit paranoid when I visit your profile to check you’re ok and find you have hidden your statuses. It makes me wonder what I have done and I have so much stress going on at the moment that I know it’s such a small thing but I can’t handle it at the moment. I think not being Facebook friends will be easier on our friendship xx”

She got paranoid. SHE got paranoid. And it was paranoia. Please don’t use social media as a weapon against people who have BPD. If you have a concern or are paranoid about something, please just ask. Had Holly asked then I could have checked my settings, found out what the issue was with her, and seen if anybody else had the same issue. But since she removed and blocked me I couldn’t do anything about it. What she did was rash. It was dramatic. It was immature. Funnily enough she’d go on to accuse me of always falling out with her and blocking her as a friend over and over again. She was the one who did that. She uses Facebook as a weapon. Even when in a relationship… if they have an argument, she’ll unfriend them and become ‘single’, to make a point. And then have to re-add them, and rejoin the relationship. I know she’s done that three times at least with one of her boyfriends. It was her preferred method of communication and control… it was actually drama-stirring. One thing she did a lot was talk about all the stress SHE had, using it as an excuse for her behaviour. But her behaviour stressed me out. So she was just passing her stress onto me so she didn’t have to deal with it and I did. This was selfish.

People like me react intensely to these passive-aggressive gestures on social media. Whenever people have disagreed with me on something they’ve removed themselves from my poetry group that I run. It’s like a great big cyber ‘fuck you!‘…. and it really hurts. I still remember when Holly removed me as a friend and I had no clue why. I was sat at 3am, a big ball of anxiety and confusion. Behaviour like that, intended to send a message to someone, it really does if they have BPD. Sometimes a gesture like that is enough to make me harm myself. It’s rejection… abandonment…. two things people like us can’t tolerate. It’s also a loss of control, as you feel they’re about to start talking about you publicly to their friends, and there’s nothing you can do about it… you’ll never know, as you’re not friends anymore. It’s not nice, so don’t do it. Just talk to us and find out the truth before assuming things and acting off of those assumptions.

 

social-media

“Hi not coming tonight, just been put in a bad mood so won’t be good company anyway hope you guys have fun xxx”

This was sent to all my friends, and the comment was aimed at me. I was the one who had apparently just put her in a bad mood, by trying to help travel arrangements against her wishes she claimed. 1. It’s not nice to bring other people into your ‘arguments’, no matter how subtle it is. 2. Way to make me feel like shit. That was the last time I’d ever help with plans. People never appreciate kind gestures.


“Glad you had a good time I was exhausted last night and everyone was making me grumpy then you asked Em to give me a lift when I had asked you not to”

This was what she said to me the next day. I hadn’t been asked not to. I had been told she didn’t like to ask. But actually I never got round to asking. My friend Em was the one to offer. So up yours Holly! Despite me being the one with BPD, which can involve impulsiveness, I actually took time to cool off and let the words echo for a bit. A few days later I said I was a bit upset about it, and she said she’d forgotten all about it. Yeah, great for you Holly… convenient memory loss.

“I’m not even gonna discuss this you’re making an issue out of nothing”
“It’s only an issue for you I’ve moved on and have invited you along to group events you need to move on and stop making it an issue and discussing it and making it awkward for our friends”
“I’m not discussing this anymore on here or in person”

Each of these statements came after she created an argument with me over her phone number, and she decided the place to do that was in a group message on Facebook, instead of in private. When challenged on this (in private), she shut me down like this. She wouldn’t hear that she was hurting me with her actions. It was an issue to me, so it should have been an issue to my friend had she been one. If it would impact our friendship then she should’ve wanted to talk about it to clear the air. She claimed I was making it awkward for our friends, when she instigated the whole thing, showed me up to them, bitched about me to them, and then she carried on socialising with them whilst I was ostracised. How fair was that? She was a narcissist and a bully, no doubt about that.

 

shutdown

Shutting someone down who has BPD is one of the worst things you can do. Telling them you’re not going to talk about it anymore. All that will do is make someone like me stuff it down inside. The pressure will build. We won’t be able to contain our feelings and thoughts on the subject. We need to feel heard and validated. Imagine if someone hurt you by showing you up in front of all your other friends, and you told them you found that upsetting and asked if they could just come to you next time, and their response was ‘I’m not talking about this, this is only an issue for you and doesn’t matter to me!’ How would you feel? You’d probably ditch the ‘friend’. Us BPD sufferers have a hard enough time stopping our emotions bottling up and bursting out, but if you give us a reason to resent you, I promise it will build up and eventually will come out in a way much worse than if we just discussed it like adults in the first place.

“We had a friendship but it’s gone downhill one thing after another first you thought I was after Nick then Liam and wouldn’t believe me when I said I’m not. I know you used to bitch about me to Rachel. Then you keep falling out with me as a friend and I just cant deal with it anymore.”

More false accusations and projection. Here’s a tip to those without BPD. Just because you can’t handle flaws in your own personality or behaviour, that does not give you the right to project them onto someone else, someone you perceive to be better than you, therefore wanting to drag them down to your level, in your eyes.

Do not accuse me of bitching about you to someone who you also claimed bitches about EVERYONE including her now husband! I didn’t bitch about Holly. I have since. But not to Rachel, as she’s no longer in my life either. But I definitely never bitched about Holly to Rachel, as I knew they were good friends also, so anything I said to Rachel would get back to Holly, as Rachel was not the most trustworthy secret-keeper. I was on the receiving end of a bit of stirring I think. The two of them clearly talked about me behind my back, that much is evident. And any bitching that occurred was likely Rachel’s thoughts blamed on me. Moral of the story – do not play someone’s friends off against each other. Whoever was responsible out of the two of them, threw me into uncertainty. And I no longer trust friends.


“I think I have grown up a lot in the past year I know life is short and how important it is to live in the moment and be positive. You always seem to have a lot going on truth is everyone does it’s just the way you deal with it you’re very different to me and I think we’ve just grown apart as friends which is fine that’s life. I think you make life very difficult for yourself by letting things get to you”

This was a big one. This is one that I can recite in my mind’s eye almost in full. Particularly the thing about I always have a lot going on. I always had time for my friends. I didn’t always have a lot going on. But I did on the day of this conversation – I was preparing to go and have an MRI scan of my brain, to see if I had a tumour. Which I did it turned out. So the insensitivity of that comment cannot be forgiven, partly because it was never acknowledged or apologised for. But can I just say THANK GOD I’m different to Holly!! And thank God I’m free of her. Just thinking about her causes me stress and anxiety. She takes drama with her wherever she goes. And with BPD drama is the last thing you need in your life. You need stability and predictability, not always waiting for the next attack to come.

But that last comment… “I think you make life very difficult for yourself by letting things get to you”… that’s the worst thing you could say to someone with BPD. You make life difficult for YOURSELF. Thanks for that scar Holly. Letting things get to me. Do you think I choose to be hurt? Some people would say, ‘yes you do. It IS a choice’. These are the people who don’t truly understand mental health issues. They don’t understand depression and they don’t understand BPD. What this comment did was communicate that Holly wasn’t prepared to filter her words, think about her behaviour or take responsibility for hurting me. The problem to her wasn’t her actions, but how I reacted to her actions. Instead of her doing something that hurt me, I just let it get to me. This was the behaviour of a narcissist. They always blame the victim. And unfortunately a lot of people side with the narcissist and don’t believe the victim. I’m a casualty of that.

reaction


“Hi Em
Sorry to drag you into this I know you have a lot on with the wedding and baby but I feel if I message Ellie directly she will turn it into a conversation and I’m sorry to say I really don’t want to hear from her again, I still think she is a lovely person but I’ve outgrown the friendship. The falling out and blocking me as a friend time and time again, criticizing me as a friend and not having any trust and all the negativity it’s just not the kind of friend I want in my life, I’m happy for you to forward this message to Ellie and hope everything’s going well for you and Chris xx”


After falling out with me we stopped talking for about 9 months or so. I then stupidly wanted to clear the air with her, even though she was the one in the wrong and should have been the one to apologise and sort things out with me. She refused to speak to me. And in fact after receiving my message on Facebook she blocked me immediately, which showed her negativity, her immaturity and the grudge she was obviously still holding towards me. Instead of speaking to me or just quietly ignoring me, she decided the right thing to do was to talk to my best friend about me, behind my back. Despite our issues having started and continued because of her involving my friends in her issues with me, she thought the right course of action was to drag my friend into it… my friend who was in the middle of the most stressful time of her life! She showed no care for my friend, and after a couple of messages aimed at me, she blocked my friend… she just used her to get at me. And boy did it have the effect she wanted….

I can’t get over this message she wrote. There was no need for it. If she didn’t want to hear from me again, all she had to do was say so to me, or just ignore me. What she did was bitchy and again, immature. And passing stress onto someone else. She claimed I was still a lovely person BUT…. and then listed all these apparent bad qualities in me. Apparently I fell out with her, not the other way around. I kept blocking her, when it was she who did that. Criticising her as a friend, that was her interpretation of me asking her not to address our issues with the group in the future, as it hurt me. She took that as a criticism, rather than saying ‘yep, that was wrong, sorry I hurt you’. I didn’t trust her for very good reasons – when you’ve hurt someone it takes a long time to rebuild and re-earn that trust. It’s not just a given, you have to work for it. You have to WANT to work for it. And she didn’t. She gave up. I was ‘negative’ for many good reasons at that point in my life. But at least I was honest about my negativity. She was the world’s most negative person, yet she pretended she was all happy and positive. She was a liar. She was fake. What she did by writing this to my friend was harmful, toxic, and damaging to my friendship ultimately. Don’t ever involve other people in disputes, not like this. And if you’re going to, then expect the same back!!

“Hi Em, I was hoping to say this in person but seeing as we’re not meeting it’s probably easiest to send quick message I just wanted to apologise for being so distant it’s just Ellie still won’t leave me alone so I’m trying to make it so she can’t contact me but hope you’re all ok take care sorry you can’t meet tonight hope you’re ok xx”

I opened a new account and messaged Holly, to have my say. As it was trademark of her to have her say and then prevent me from having a say. I initially asked my friend to help me out, but she chose not to, so I messaged Holly myself. I asked her not to involve my friend anymore. I let it be known I didn’t want to hear from her again either. I set her straight on a couple of things and made it clear I was only acting with the kindest intentions and it was regretful that she didn’t see this. Holly didn’t reply to me. I didn’t want her to. In my mind that was closure. That was having my last say on the issue and forgetting all about her….. But she had to get one last dig in….

She messaged my friend AGAIN, and said this. She was hoping to say it in person, therefore she intended to bitch about me to my friends without me there. That was her intention. She was blaming her distance with my friend Emily, on me ‘not leaving her alone’. Get your head around that one! I had sent two messages in two months, and then that final one in response to her nastiness. It was final. It was clear if she read it, that was it, she’d hear no more and I didn’t want to hear from her directly nor through anyone else. The point here is that she knew full well that was it, unless she can’t read! She wanted to continue the drama. She wanted to hurt me. She wanted to disrespect my wishes for her to not involve Emily. Because I’d disrespected hers by contacting her again in response. And she’s immature remember – tit-for-tat. She wanted the last say, the ‘power’, and to leave me in a state of chaos. Which she very much did. I know she badmouthed me after we fell out. It’s what she does best. I know this one existed for instance:

“Enjoying the peace and quiet. Some people are so toxic”

She was of course referring to me, as it was at the time we fell out and she blocked me. She thought I was toxic. But she thought everyone who didn’t kiss her arse was toxic. I know I’m challenging. I know I’m a pain in the arse sometimes. I know my depression and self-pity can be draining. But I wasn’t the toxic one in that situation. Unfortunately she was pretty good at convincing others that I was. She’d always slap a smile on her face, act innocent and friendly, and act like the victim, yet be positive and carefree about it, just so that people thought I was the problem as I was the ‘negative’ one… the one staying away from our group of friends. She wrapped them all around her little finger. It’s what people like her do. People with BPD can be difficult at times. Narcissists are toxic.

Nick:

“Ellie. I don’t know why I’m getting all these messages about stuff. We sat down that time and talked and “sorted things”. I don’t understand why there has been any need for these messages from the start. You asked Laura to speak to me she did and then lied to you not that you seem to accept that fact. Holly spoke to you and told you what I said and again you chose not to accept it. You asked me whether I liked you and I said I didn’t know you and that I’ve got so much going on atm I’m not interested in getting to know someone new. But how dare you message my ex gf and best friend. Its got nothing to do with her. How you think messaging me all the time is going to make me like you I don’t know.”

I made a mistake. One I learnt from. That’s the point of mistakes after all! I sought help from the wrong person. They didn’t help me, and they blabbed and landed me in deep shit. And then this nob of a guy decided to take it all out on me. He didn’t understand that I had mental health problems, worsened by a pathological liar of a friend, and a blunt, stirring bitch of a friend, who totally cocked my mind up for me. And he was blowing hot and cold, and was a blunt bastard himself at times. I didn’t know the truth. He wouldn’t tell me the truth. He would tell the ‘truth’ to Holly. And he would tell something to Laura. But he wouldn’t talk to me himself. Immature. And then he expects me to KNOW the truth, when told two completely different stories. Okay he obviously thought I should know the clear truth is that he wasn’t interested, because that is of course the most likely answer – who the fuck would be interested in Ellie?? I was young, and didn’t have much experience with men. Ha, still don’t!!! But I deserved to be treated with more respect than any of that.

‘How dare you?’ – the worst words you can say to someone like me. I hate to upset people, make mistakes, do the wrong thing. And this is a very patronising teacher-ish tone to take. I can’t forget this. It makes me feel like I’m the size of an ant. It makes me feel like I’m a terrible person who doesn’t deserve anything good in life.

But the killer line from that message, which is the main scarring phrase whenever I’m in distress…. ‘How you think messaging me all the time is going to make me like you I don’t know’who the fuck says that to someone?? People with BPD often do send multiple messages to people, particularly someone they like, because they worry they’ve ruined something and are going to be abandoned for it, so they try to fix it with more messages. They also need more reassurance than most people, and this is a way to try and attain that. We are aware of how annoying it may be. We hate ourselves for sending yet another message, but the fear of abandonment is so huge and sickening that the only way to quell the anxiety is to try again to get them to talk to you, so you know they’re not leaving you. What Nick said to me was the cruellest, most disgusting thing anyone’s ever said to me. I’m fully aware nobody likes me, and nothing I ever do will make anyone like me. A part of me wishes he felt guilty about what he said to me and would apologise for it. But I know there’s more chance of pigs flying than that. Do people sometimes say things like that, and then reflect on it and think ‘I shouldn’t have said that, that was really unkind’? I would. Do ‘normal’ people not self-reflect like those with mental health issues do? He likely forgot what he said as soon as he said it. The more I replay that last sentence in my head, the more I want to harm myself. Because it’s true. And it must be what everyone thinks of me. People don’t want me to talk. They want me to leave them alone. They want me to BE alone. This is what these people from my past and present, teach me.

Charlotte:


“Could you please, stop talking to my husband I don’t think it is appropriate for you to be sending him suggestive messages like you do.”

Sent by the ex-wife of someone I really liked. They had split up. If I’m understanding things I’ve heard since, she had actually already moved on herself, and was just trying to mess things up for her ex, and claim him as hers still. I didn’t intend to fall for someone who had been married. I would never in a million years have gone after someone married. I would never be ‘the other woman’. Ever. We were just flirty. He was helping me through my break-up with his friend, by boosting my confidence. That was all. And this was after they broke up. She didn’t need to make me feel like shit, as they weren’t together still so her ‘husband’ could talk to whoever the hell he wanted… especially if she had already moved on! She chose to make me feel like crap, and it worked. But I know I did nothing wrong. Other than fall for him, as he turned out to not be a decent person to me. Maybe she thought I was the reason their marriage fell apart – he did cheat after all… a good reason to have not ended up with him myself. Maybe she thought it was with me as well. It wasn’t. Nothing happened with him… thankfully.

Jon:

“I don’t like you overreacting to me cancelling.”

Speaking of. He would make plans with me, and cancel last minute – one time I was at the bus stop, minutes away from meeting him. Another time I turned up at his place of work as planned, and he had completely forgotten our plans, and made a lame apology and turned me away in front of a colleague, for me to find a bus home. That was the day I had enough and wanted to throw myself off the nearby bridge. It was sad that I was so used to him cancelling that I came to expect it. But just as much as you expect it it’s still disappointing when it happens. You spend all day in anxiety wondering if you are actually going to meet, and then the inevitable let down last minute. Sorry, that will take its toll with someone like me. And what may seem an ‘overreaction’ to you, will be a normal reaction to me. I think it’s quite normal to be pissed off with someone who KEEPS standing you up and wasting your time. He probably got an under-reaction actually! An overreaction would be me storming to his house, banging on his door, shouting so the neighbours can hear, and threatening to kill him unless he sees me – THAT would be an ‘overreaction’.

Someone with BPD being told they’re overreacting is heartbreaking, because we’re feeling so much pain already, to then be invalidated and told what happened wasn’t a big deal and didn’t deserve the reaction that naturally came to us…. Again it’s like with Holly… not taking responsibility for what his actions or lack of actions did to me. He thought being disrespectful, rude and cancelling on me all the time was acceptable and the problem was how I reacted to it. Screw him! Why don’t people take responsibility for their behaviour and words, instead of piling the guilt onto me!?

Dan:

“I would love to be able to sit down with you and have a coffee to find out how things have gone for you but I’m busy working. The big reason for me leaving and not being in touch as much. The big event in my life that I’m extremely proud of. If that isn’t good enough for you for having a friend like me then fine. I just figured I’d put you straight before you make up false ideas about me.”

Dan hurt me with this, as yet again he assumed things of me, like I was selfish. He had no clue how proud I was of him for his achievements career-wise. I was always cheering him on, despite how poorly he treated me. Just like his friend Jon… despite how HE treated me I always had his back. I was always quietly cheering on his successes. I was so proud of Dan. And his implication that I wasn’t was extremely hurtful. My issue was that he wasn’t able to read the emotions in my messages. I couldn’t convey them right. More than anything I was upset how things were between us, and I was so proud of him that I wanted to SHARE in that with him. I wanted him to know, but he kept me at arms’ length. I think he’d just been a bit short and sharp with me, and I was upset by it, and this was his response to that. It broke my heart, that he thought the exact opposite of me to the truth.

“No it wasn’t a test. And yes I was going to come see you. I honestly didn’t know about this. But know what, think what you like. I’ve got work to do.”

Men in his circle had a habit of ‘testing’ me to see how I’d react. Just like Jon he’d stand me up. That’s fair enough (well it’s not really!! It’s NOT acceptable)… but to say ‘Know what, think what you like. I’ve got work to do’ was not the kindest response. The trouble a lot of my ‘friends’ in the past had is they weren’t aware of my BPD. I do wonder what difficulties I may have avoided had they understood I wasn’t simply some needy, emotional mess and that it was part of a mental illness beyond my control. But then maybe some people like Dan, would always be insensitive bastards who don’t give a fig how they make someone feel with their words.

Emily:

“I know you said that I don’t need the added stress, but it is already starting to stress me out.”

I had just acknowledged in a message that I didn’t want to give her more to think about. I’d said that myself. I was fully aware of the stress at the time. I was also stressed at the time, having to organise my own dress for the wedding. Plus having Holly be a bitch behind my back. And the fear of seeing two people together at the wedding, who I couldn’t face seeing. I had enough stress of my own. And I knew I was a burden. In fact before this message I already decided I didn’t deserve friends and people would be better off without me around. That’s why it hurt when I got it. I was ‘stressing her out’. Forget the fact I defended us BOTH to Holly and told her Em didn’t need any more stress at the moment and how annoyed I was that she’d caused that for her. That’s obviously irrelevant!

 

bearable

 

I was trying my best to not inflict myself on others at that time. I kept a lot to myself, through the wedding and beyond. I wanted her to not be stressed. And she was accusing me of stressing her out. This has stuck with me for three years, and cuts like a knife when I think of it. It was the first time she’s ever said anything that’s scarred me. And I no longer like to inflict myself on people. My issues stress others out. I’m sorry about that. I’m sorry, I know you all want me to suffer in silence on my own. I just thought that’s what we’re here for on Earth… to lessen the load and make each other’s lives more bearable. I’m sorry that’s not the case. I’m sorry I’m alone. I’m sorry I’m such a burden. These are the thoughts that make me suicidal. They trigger the thoughts of ‘I’m such a burden. I have to suffer alone. I am alone. The size of the pain I feel from the things that stress others out, is too big to hold inside me. I want it all to stop. I want it to end. I could make it end. Then I wouldn’t be a burden to them anymore’.

Implying that someone with BPD is stressing you out with their issues…. please don’t do that. I get it, okay, I get it. You’re fed up with hearing about our pain… our problems. You’re sick of it. Just thank God you’re not the one experiencing it. You wouldn’t last a day. A problem shared is a problem halved. A problem shared, and thrown back for stressing the other person out, is a problem doubled. It’s worse than before we opened our mouths, reached out to our friends and said ‘please help me!’ … just remember that when you’re stressed out over OUR problems in life. We’re living it. It’s a million times more painful and stressful for us. And if you admit we’re stressing you out with it, not only will we never open up to you again… it will double the burden on ourselves.

 

problem

Liam:

“I would rather be with someone that could embrace their emotions than to pretend they didn’t exist or worse vow to ignore them, and to take into account my own feelings, which I figure was not considered in this equation.”

Let me tell you why this was hurtful – I had just opened my heart to the guy. I had also just lost my friends. The woman he ended up with betrayed me badly. She was one of my best friends. I had just told Liam what his friendship meant to me and that I’d miss him. And he said nothing even resembling the same about me. He just told me how amazing his new girlfriend Rachel was… forget the fact I knew the truth about Rachel, having known her three times as long as him! He claimed I didn’t take his feelings into consideration. Shove that where the sun doesn’t shine! If he thought that then he never knew me at all!

And the point that would hurt someone with BPD…. “I would rather be with someone that could embrace their emotions than to pretend they didn’t exist….” – we have issues with our emotions. ‘Embracing my emotions’ is what I went to therapy for. It’s a work in progress. Sadly his girlfriend also has BPD, so therefore struggled with her emotions… that’s what really rubbed the salt in the wound. He likely didn’t know about her BPD at the time, as they’d only dated as long as they’d been friends which was two months. Had he known that we met through DBT for the SAME issue with emotions, he might not have been such an insensitive twat towards me. I won’t have him or anyone else commenting on what happened. Only I, and my family know the truth… about me, about my feelings for him, why I never told him how I felt, and how wrong it was the way Rachel swooped in there, against my knowledge of her feelings for him, perfectly aware of how I felt for him. Nobody will change my mind. And nobody has the right to tell me what happened was okay and I should be happy for them. Nobody. I will heal in my own time, at my own pace, in my own way. And if I ever forgive Rachel it will be for my own sake, not hers. I will never condone what she did, and anyone who is friends with her should be cautious. She’s not to be trusted.

Rachel:

“I do understand it’s for your mental health but unfortunately I have a lot of my own stresses. Life isn’t exactly plain sailing for me at the moment. I haven’t seen Wayne to even have a conversation since Saturday as I’ve barely been home. I’m hoping tomorrow to be able to maybe have time to watch a film or something after I’ve been to dad’s and sorted out my car and paperwork. Maybe you should ask someone else to do it as I can’t get my head round anything at the moment. X”

I asked my friend to help me. She said she would. She kept finding reasons not to. If you’re not intending to do something don’t pretend you are. I’m sick of people letting me down. I was harming and wanting to die, and she was going to help me. It was simple. It wouldn’t have taken five minutes of her precious time. I wasn’t worth it obviously. It made it seem like I was selfish for asking her to help me. It was so rare of me to reach out for help. And the one time I did, that’s what I got. Unfortunately this pattern has continued in my life. Nobody actually has my back. They make the sounds like they do, but when push comes to shove they either can’t be bothered to do something that would help me, or they ‘don’t want to get involved’.

“Ellie, you are one of my best friends and have always been there for me. I will always be there for you and think a lot of you but I will not hear any more on the Holly issue”
“I have no idea what has gone on or been said. Obviously some stuff has happened that I don’t know about and would rather not get involved with. She has not said anything about you that I know of – and I’m offended that you’d think I would get involved with anything said.”

“I will not hear any more on the Holly issue” – okay then. Hush my mouth. Funny that she stopped me talking things through with her, yet clearly kept talking to Holly about me, from accusations I was to later receive from Holly! Double standards. If it’s Ellie she’s not allowed to talk, but Holly, sure. I understand people not wanting to get involved or take sides. But given that Holly was badmouthing me behind my back to my friends in group messages, I would expect MY friends to hear my side of the story also. I’d never want friends to take sides as such, but there comes a time when you don’t want your friends to sit on the fence anymore. You want them to have your back and DEFEND YOU! My friends could have been the ones to sort the issues between me and Holly. Had my friends stepped in and given her advice to stop being a bitch to me, and actually spoken up for me, then I might still have been friends with Holly. Because they did nothing, said nothing, it told Holly what she did and said was okay. It alienated me, and ruined any hope of she and I reuniting as friends. Though they didn’t want to get involved or take sides, they may have held the key to the continuation of our group of friends. Having said that, Rachel actually put the last nail in the coffin with her choice of actions the following month.

 

defend

Rachel knew Holly had spoken about me, and lied to me. But I was soon to find out that’s nothing new. She does lie. I can’t guarantee how involved she got or didn’t get. I don’t trust her words anymore. All I know is that was a comment to guilt-trip me. When she met me and apologised for betraying me, she guilt-tripped me by crying and saying she was suicidal. I comforted her. I shouldn’t have. I had more reason to cry and feel suicidal thanks to her. I apologised to her for offending her, and she was like ‘I’m going to bed now. Hopefully you’ll feel better in the morning’. She was letting me know I was in the doghouse. Whatever. She always had a moody tone. Even Holly commented on it once.

“Because its getting too complicated. I don’t understand why I can’t just walk from here and meet you there. I’ve got enough stress at the moment without a night out which is meant to be fun being stressful. You guys will have fun anyway. Xx”

I would somehow usually end up in the centre of organising plans, as people didn’t talk to each other. She would often throw selfish comments out there without thinking of the consequences. We all had stress. Just because I didn’t shout all mine out at the time like she did, didn’t mean I was okay. I wanted a fun night out too, and having to organise everyone else wasn’t exactly stress-free or fun for me!! On the days I miss my old group of friends, I remember what a nightmare it was trying to help organise getting to places, times etc, and being the brunt of everyone’s hissy fits and getting no thanks for any of it! It really stressed me out in the end.

“I have obviously taken what you said the wrong way but that was the whole point in calling you – I was about to admit I was wrong. I guess more than anything I was surprised it was newsworthy! Please cut me some slack, I have a hell of a lot going on at the moment. X”

Rachel phoned me and accused me of showing her up in a group message, just days after I fell out with Holly for her having done that to me. I have no idea what got into her. I simply commented on the fact I heard she’d had a drink, and I missed it….. all my friends met up for Holly’s birthday, but having been upset by her I decided against going. So I missed out. I felt left out. So I was simply asking about what I missed. I told her there was absolutely nothing in it. And with everything going on for me I got overwhelmed, she wasn’t listening to me and I swore down the phone and hung up on her. It’s the only time in my life I’ve done that. But I’m sick of false accusations. There was less than 0% malice in my comment…. I simply wanted to feel included. She kept texting me afterwards. In the end she said it was probably about 95% her fault and 5% mine. I stand by the fact it was 100% her fault. Complete misunderstanding on her part. And was really upsetting for me.

But “please cut me some slack, I have a hell of a lot going on at the moment” probably wasn’t the best way to sign off her text. It’s like ‘give me a break‘. Why?? Why should I give you a break? I’ve been excluded from my group of friends because Holly was a bitch to me in front of you all and none of you defended me! I missed out on a meet up, so try to feel included… you then phone me and accuse me of doing what Holly has just done to me!! It’s the furthest from the truth, and it shocked and upset me. Why should I cut YOU some slack, for offending me under those circumstances? Why?! You had a hell of a lot going on? What about me? No, that’s right. My friends keep telling me how much THEY have going on. How stressed out THEY are, and can’t for ONE minute stick themselves in MY shoes before having a go at me and implying I’M selfish.

 

bastards

Friendships are hard with BPD. That much I’ve concluded from this post. I have moments of thinking of giving up on them entirely. That’s where I am right now. Yes there are good moments, and happy memories. But in between those are doubts, fears, arguments, bad memories, chaos, anger, loss, betrayal, disloyalty, scars, misunderstandings and isolation. Splitting.

Looking back on what I thought were good friendships, seeing how they ended, how people treated me, and wondering if they knew the damage they were doing to me and my outlook on life…. would they have done it? And knowing that sadly the answer is probably yes. Not even your closest friends look out for you. You’re truly alone in this world. That belief that has been instilled in me by my past experiences and the way people treated me, is enough to put me off of forming close friendships with anyone. I can’t trust or count on anyone. The world is selfish…. my old friends looked out for themselves and not me…. I gave… but ended up being the one labelled as ‘selfish’. I know they say life isn’t fair, but that’s just taking the piss.

The harmful words that people say or write to me, will never fade. I’m a very visual person. The looks on people’s faces… the words they wrote to me, or about me… the images of my distress and of harming myself because of how someone made me feel…. are always fresh in my memory. I can’t escape them. Most people would drink or take drugs to forget, but I don’t have that option. So I just have to sit with those feelings and memories. None of you without BPD will EVER understand the struggle it is to live with that. So be thankful you’re not inflicted with such constant, intrusive, overwhelming emotions and loneliness, whilst being misunderstood by your closest friends, feeling like a burden and thinking the world would be better without you in it.
And more than this….. JUST THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK / WRITE …. AND JUST BE KIND.

Thank you for reading xxxx

The Past Never Heals.

the-past1

*Contains bad language*
*Contains references to self-harm and suicidal thoughts*
*Names are changed*

 

Do you know what…. I am angry. So angry.

I don’t care if people don’t want me talking about this.

I don’t care if I should be over it by now.

I don’t care.

 

I was healing really quite well from my toxic ex-friend. She had turned nasty to me in 2012. In 2013 she apologised, only to do the same again within a matter of weeks. Despite it not being my fault, I reached out to her at the start of 2014, and she ignored me and spoke about me to my best friend, saying she didn’t want to hear from me again. And after the way she behaved, I felt the same way about her!

That was it. That was the end. She blocked me, she blocked my friend. The end.

Two years…… two years of peace, and recovery. Bliss. She became irrelevant to me. I was finally starting to move on with my life. And then bang, she reappeared last year… not with any apology for me, or any sign of remorse. But pretending nothing ever happened. She approached my friend.

I won’t go into details, but let’s just say it caused problems between us. And in the end they cut contact. And I’m not to talk about it anymore. Which is all well and good… only, how Holly treated me was that big a deal, that I can’t click my fingers and be over it. This was a massive issue in my life, and I shouldn’t feel I’m not allowed to talk about it if it’s troubling me. Which it is.

I’m sorry that I was treated the way I was, and it traumatised me. I’m sorry that gets in the way of friendships. I’m sorry that me talking about what deeply hurt me, stresses others out. I’m sorry I’m that much of a burden. But actually, being made to feel this way, only makes me more angry with *Holly. It reignites what happened in the past. There was an incident with Holly and a guy called *Nick. I was in the middle of a complicated and nasty situation, where I was being told different things by different people. I was really upset and emotional at the time – suicidal actually. And Holly ‘asked’ me not to talk to her about Nick anymore as it was ‘stressing her out’. I accepted this, but inside I resented her. I, to this day, am pissed as hell with her for that response. I was the victim in the situation. I was the one actually going through the experience and having to try and make sense of it all. And I had my friend banning me from discussing my feelings with her, because it stressed HER out.

I couldn’t and can’t understand this attitude. Fine, I get that people get sick of hearing the same thing over and over. But this wasn’t a case of that. And neither is the more recent issue. It wasn’t about hearing the same thing over. It was about hearing things they don’t want to hear – uncomfortable truths. Shutting me down so they don’t have to face responsibility for how they made me feel. So they can’t be held to account. This is NOT okay ever, but particularly for someone in my situation.

I have BPD. If my friends don’t know what that means for how they need to treat me, then I suggest they use their computers, tablets, phones, heck even a book, and educate themselves. Because until they learn how hard it is to live life with BPD, we won’t have a full, deep friendship. And I don’t mean how THEY can live with someone who has BPD…. I mean, until they understand how hard it is to BE the person with BPD, they will never have compassion, and therefore we will never be compatible as friends.

I guarantee you, if me talking about something that ruined my life pisses you off, stresses you out or upsets you, it’s a drop in the ocean compared to how I feel. I went through what I did with Holly. Not just Holly, but with other so-called friends at the same time. Try being me. I dare you. If you think for one second you could’ve coped any better than I did, then I wish for you to go through it too, just to prove you wrong. And even if you could cope with it better, just remember… you don’t have BPD to contend with. Life is simpler for you. God I wish some of you could experience being in my head and body for just one day right now. It would be the only way to show you how it feels, therefore to make you treat me better, kinder, with more compassion. You would get it, if you could feel it for just a moment. But you never will. You don’t have BPD. You weren’t put through all that shit by people who claimed to be your friends. You didn’t lose them all. I did.

And I’ve put up such a strong fight to get past it and try to rebuild my life. So to have Holly reappear, dredge up the old feelings in me; to then have my feelings squashed, to be made to feel I’m irrational, controlling, manipulative and a bad person; and to deny me the right to speak out about how I feel. THIS IS NOT OKAY.

Anyone who tells me I should shut up about anything that is killing me inside, is not on my side. They want me to kill myself. Because that’s the only other option. If I’m not allowed to talk about what is killing me on the inside, then it will kill me for real.

Talking about things is the right and healthy way to deal with feelings. Bottling the feelings up was what caused me to self-harm daily in the past, to cope with what I was holding inside. And self-harm was the thing that kept me from ending my life. It was my coping mechanism. But then talking and writing became my coping mechanism – which is more healthy for me, as I don’t risk harming myself, getting infections, scars etc. It keeps me alive and in one piece…… but it appears to piss other people off! They don’t like me talking about things that bother me. They want me to lock it up inside and harm myself instead, to keep them happy…. to not stress them out. Because I’m the only one who should be stressed out by the things that are killing me inside. Anyone who demands this of me, is not my friend. Sorry. Holly did this to me, so did *Rachel. They were not my friends, that much is evident from the things they did to me. Okay Holly didn’t know I have BPD. She knew I had depression and anxiety, but I never trusted her enough to tell her the whole truth. But others knew.

And anyone who knows I have BPD and tells me to keep my feelings to myself either isn’t my friend, or simply needs to educate themselves about mental health, because they haven’t got a clue.

A year ago I was okay. Holly was in my past. I had ignored her friend request, as it contradicted what her wishes were – to never hear from me again. Had she sent a message and apologised it may have been different. But a simple friend request, minimal effort, was utter bullshit, considering she had snubbed me the year before when I tried to clear the air with her! This time last year I was moving on just fine. And my friends were probably happier with me back then. But now, I am reliving the past in my head daily. I HATE Holly with a passion again. Even more than before, because she continues to come out of everything smelling like roses. Whilst people are pissed at ME. She tarnished my friendship with someone who meant the world to me. And I feel things can never be the same now. There’s no resolution.

This makes me feel so alone. Because what was once healing is gaping open again right now, and I can’t talk to my friend about it. I can’t talk to anyone about it. Not only that, but it set me up in a very bad state of mind, making me push everyone away, just as I would need people the most. The last year has been very painful personally. And I needed to know I could turn to my friends, to escape it. And I couldn’t. Not truly. Because of this. I resent this situation happening in the lead-up to the worst time of my life. I wish Holly could’ve just vanished from our lives forever. Why couldn’t she just do that? I would’ve healed. My friends would’ve been happier with me. Our friendships stronger. And my new friends wouldn’t have had to see the negative sides of me like they have.

When making new friends my aim was to break away from the past, and have a fresh start. But because Holly came back and ruined things with my friend, the past is very much here to stay, and I’m more depressed and unwell again than I’ve been in years. So now my new friendships are infected by Holly and what she did.

Why can’t anybody allow me a fresh start? Why can’t anybody look beyond their own wants and think about my health and my life? And not after the event, and making me feel guilty for it! What annoys me the most is my friends likely don’t like who I am at the moment, and the negativity I’m showing. But as has always been the case, they fail to see they created this monster in me. They hurt me, and are then mad with me for being hurt! THIS IS NOT OKAY.

 

not-okay

 

I want to rewind a year, and erase everything that happened since Holly and my friend reunited. It messed everything up. And I could’ve done without it, with everything I’m going through now.

These people from my past deserve to stay in my past. It’s not just Holly, but also *Jon. I’m so angry at him again. I don’t care quite to the same degree, but to think of the way he treated me – forgetting I’m a human being who experiences emotions, and would have to face grief and loss one day. The last few months have shown me what matters in life, and it’s not the people in my past. But it’s also made me incredibly angry at those who hurt others for their own gain. All of those from my past can rot there for all I care. I need, and I deserve a fresh start. They’ve all moved on and found happiness in other places. It was easier for them, as they did me wrong, so they weren’t left in chaos. If they’re allowed happiness and peace, then why the hell am I not given that chance? People need to realise that I WANT to forget the past, but for that to happen, the past has to remain in the past. I have to be given an opportunity to recover from it.

 

past

 

Look, it’s taken me years to get to a place where I don’t want to talk with Jon anymore. This is a good move. He wasn’t there for me when my mum was in hospital. I begged for his support through that, and he ignored me entirely. And I’ve gotten through two other family members being in hospital, seriously ill, without him. And he doesn’t deserve to be in my life anymore. Rachel and *Liam are out of my life. Though they have links through my best friend, and that makes life hard for me, I can forget they exist. But Holly. She needs to be gone for good. You could debate what Rachel did to me, and could argue that it wasn’t malicious. It wasn’t intended. It wasn’t evil. I don’t believe any of that for a second. I know the truth. But it’s ‘debatable’. In my eyes Rachel didn’t deserve my friendship. Therefore I can carry on with my life, treating her as if she’s dead to me. I have to, in order to live. The only other option besides pretending they’re dead to me, is to cut my best friend out of my life for good too, which funnily enough I don’t actually want to do! But Holly was pure evil. It is not debatable what she did to me. And if it’s selfish of me to ask someone to respect my need for the past to be left in the past, for the sake of my mental health and my life, then I’m selfish. Better to be selfish than dead.

 

selfish-dead

 

Last year when she reappeared I wanted to die. I was sick with anxiety. I was crying every day. Harming. I was having panic attacks. I couldn’t eat or sleep. I went backwards a lot. And now I don’t know the way forward again. No matter how much I pretend to be over it, I’m not. I think it would be easier for my friends if I wasn’t here anymore. Because there’s no way this can be fixed now. I am that messed up in the head with my BPD that I cannot forget how last year made me feel. No matter how much I want to forgive and forget, I was sent backwards in my recovery, and I now split every couple of days with my friend. And I can’t talk to anyone about it. The splitting is sickening for me. It’s very upsetting, and feels uncontrollable. I fear I’m going to lose her on my better days. And on my worst ones, where I’m splitting it’s like I want to lose her. I can state categorically I DON’T want to lose her, absolutely not, I love her, she means a lot to me. But on the worst days my mind forgets that, and I remember only the pain I felt, and how trapped I feel by my past. And how I can’t talk to her about what’s troubling me anymore. Our friendship has changed. And that scares me. I feel I’m self-destructing. Self-sabotaging. I feel like doing that, as I feel my whole world is collapsing at the moment, and she’s going to leave me anyway. Look, if it annoyed her that much, me talking about my feelings, then she’s not going to stick around with a crazy loser like me, whose only purpose in life seems to be being crapped on by everyone else. She can’t expect me to keep quiet about all that. Well she can, but that means I’m not truly being myself, therefore we’re more acquaintances than friends.

I need to feel comfortable being myself. And I’m not sure I do anymore. I have grown to hate myself since last year. And if I can’t stand myself then how can I expect anyone else to tolerate me? I wish there was a magic pill that could wipe away memories and feelings you don’t want to feel.

Nobody can understand how painful this is, and confusing at the moment. How isolating it is, splitting in silence. Fighting with your own mind every day. Trying to hold on to a friendship, afraid to lose it, wanting to in order to let go of the past, and just wishing Holly had stayed gone, because then life would’ve been better, and I wouldn’t doubt my friendships… or myself.

Whoever hates me, for whatever reason, I hate myself more right now. And when I hate myself, the little piece of self-respect I have left, makes me angry with those who made me hate myself. It’s a never-ending circle of hate. And I’m on the verge of closing up, depriving myself of friends, and just going back to being the girl I used to be – lonely, depressed, a self-harmer. I want to end up in hospital. I want to harm myself that badly. The only thing keeping me from that right now, is my family. The family who I’ve been at risk of losing these last months. The thing that’s mattered to me more than anything. More than any of those stupid idiots from my past. My focus has to be on them. Not on all this shit about friendships, loyalty and betrayal.

Right now I feel I will forever despise Holly, Jon, Rachel and Liam. I’ve not felt this level of anger towards them for a long time. And it’s because the past was stirred up last year. I’m more ill now mentally. And I realise how appallingly they treated me. Whilst going through ‘pre-grief’ this year, I can see what self-serving, nasty, immoral bastards they were, for causing any suffering to another vulnerable human being, who finds it hard enough to live day to day, without being made suicidal by thoughtless morons like them. Because one day all it will take is one more prod. One more loss. One more traumatic life event, and they will have played a part in what happens to me. They will have blood on their hands. They created the broken mess I am today. They are the reason I am ill again, and consequently unable to cope with what’s happening in my life right now.

I don’t know what to do to live now, and survive what’s coming.

All I know is I can’t count on friends anymore.

They don’t want to know.

I really am alone.

A Letter To My Friends Present & Past

a-letter2

*Names have been changed*

How do you explain your BPD to your friends?

I had several friendships which ended – mainly due to the behaviours of those people, it has to be said! But having said that, I can also see that a couple of them may have misunderstood me. They may have left with bad feelings towards me, when there should have been none. I don’t feel I owe these people from my past any explanation or apology, as 99% of them hurt and betrayed me, with their lack of kindness, morals and sensitivity.

Despite this though, I wish I could say to these people I have Borderline Personality Disorder… and I wish I could explain it so that they would understand. Almost so they could see why their actions caused so much damage. And so they could think better of me. And yes, so they might even feel slightly remorseful of what they did.

One friend, Rachel, I wouldn’t need to tell, as she also had it – we were in therapy together for it! So she understood my difficulties. But for the rest, I want to say this….

————–

To
Holly, Nick, Liam, Emily, Chris, Dan, Jon, Tom and anyone else I’ve forgotten….

 

I have Borderline Personality Disorder.
This does not mean there is something ‘wrong’ with me.
I am not flawed. No more than you.
There is not something ‘wrong’ about my personality.
This simply explains that I struggle with my emotions. I have very little emotional skin. I hurt easily… I don’t trust easily… I don’t forget easily… I need reassurance often…. and I harm myself.

I harm myself if you hurt me. I harm myself if I hurt you. I harm myself to deal with the pain on the inside. If you’ve hurt me enough to lead me to harm myself, there will forever be a scar, a reminder… so in a way I will never be able to forget what you said or did. I will never truly be able to forgive you if you caused me a scar. I wish this wasn’t the case. I want to be a forgiving person, but it’s not that easy with BPD.

I am sensitive… thin-skinned, and that skin is scarred by all the emotional pain I endure.

Some of you hurt me with your words and actions…. some of you hurt me with your silence and lack of actions. These things hurt someone like me:

 

  • Accusing me of things I didn’t do.
  • Bad-mouthing me to my friends.
  • Speaking to me like I’m a piece of sh*t.
  • Spreading lies about me.
  • Not listening to my concerns, and telling me it’s only my issue.
  • Unfriending or blocking me on social media, for no apparent reason.
  • Getting my friends involved in arguments and drama you started with me.
  • Showing me up in front of people.
  • Being blunt in messages.
  • Ignoring me.
  • Not fighting for my friendship – letting me go, thinking you never cared.
  • Raving about the one person who destroyed my life, when I’d just lost everything because of her.
  • Not standing up for me – I’m your friend for God’s sake – that’s what they’re for!
  • Defending those who hurt me, condoning their actions.
  • Telling me I made the wrong decisions, and my method of survival was wrong.
  • Rejecting me, turning me down, as it takes a lot for me to reach out to you.
  • Standing me up, cancelling last minute, or otherwise complicating exciting plans.
  • Disloyalty, putting someone else ahead of our friendship and my mental health / life.
  • Making me feel like a burden / nuisance / a cause of stress.
  • Stopping me talking about things that matter to me… shutting me down because you’ve had enough and it stresses you out… try living in my head!
  • Talking about me behind my back with other friends.
  • Cheating on me.
  • Lying to me.
  • Leading me on for months / years at a time.
  • Treating me like I’m merely a piece of meat for your entertainment, and not a human being.
  • Calling me names.
  • Accusing me of ‘overreacting’ to your atrocious behaviour.
  • Going ‘ghost’, leaving without saying goodbye, when you used to be a good friend.
  • Not being there for me in my hour of need.
  • Knowing I’m upset, and harming myself because of your behaviour, yet choosing to continue it anyway.
  • Reacting negatively to the way I behave, because you think I’m just ‘difficult’, ‘toxic’, ‘needy’ etc…. basically misunderstanding me, and the fact that I am the way I am, because of my BPD.

 

wounds

 

I hate my BPD and wish I was different, but this is how I was made. I wish more of you understood why I was the way I was, AND could appreciate the way your behaviour made me feel. I wish so much that you could all finally understand what you did to me, and apologise for it. It would help heal the wounds a little. Though in all honesty I’m not sure my heart could ever fully forgive you… the scars on my arms may have mostly faded…. but scars on the heart rarely do. Not for someone traumatised by their past…. the memories play over often, and rip the wound open again. I wish you could all understand that.

I wish you could have known about my mental illness and fully understood it, before choosing to do the things you did. Would you have hurt me if you’d known I would hurt myself because of it? Would you have made me feel worthless if you’d known I’d consider taking my own life? Would you have said I ‘make life very difficult for myself by letting things get to me’, if you’d known it was my BPD and therefore not my choice at the time? Perhaps some of you would…. I mean the one person who understood BPD, from having it herself, still chose to hurt me in the worst way possible. She knew the impact that would have on my life and my mental health and still chose to do it. So, people who don’t have first-hand knowledge of BPD might be even less inclined to think of me before selfishly choosing their words and actions.

I guess it boils down to who cares / cared about me. Rachel didn’t… not enough to think of our friendship and my recovery. She put herself first. But the rest of you….. did any of you care about me? I know you didn’t Nick. It’s become clear you didn’t Holly. I’m saddened that you didn’t care, Liam….. and Tom… I thought we were friends. Dan…. I know you apologised before, thank you. But still you hurt me for all those months… and you disappeared out of my life again this year without a word, leaving me questioning what I did wrong… And Jon….. I’ll never understand why you hurt me so much, knowing about my mental health and self-harm – it’s clear you never cared about me – you weren’t there for me when I asked for your support. And you knew you were causing me enough pain to harm myself, and did not give a damn. So you never cared.

 

selfish

 

I honestly feel nobody, particularly from my past, has ever really cared about me… enough to put me ahead of themselves. I admit in recent years I have become more selfish. That’s because in the past I always put others ahead of myself. And yet it was STILL implied that I was selfish. Liam did this when he sent his final message to me. He implied I didn’t take his feelings into consideration, which I did. Also Holly accused me of making things difficult for our friends, though that was her. So again, I was ‘selfish’. Rachel wouldn’t help me with something despite saying she would… and went off on one about what she had going on in her life, cut her some slack, blah blah blah… but she never thought I had a life either, as I didn’t have a house / partner / job / car / pet etc. Yet I was made to feel selfish for asking for help. Asking to spend just one hour with someone, I was made to feel selfish for taking up their time, that they should be spending with someone else. Asking someone to think of my feelings and to not hurt me, I was made to feel guilty for asking this…. so again ‘selfish’ for putting my needs ahead of someone just once.

All my life I’ve been made to feel like a doormat…. guilty….. selfish. So yeah, now I am more selfish. Nobody else looks out for me or puts me first… so I’m going to do it for myself. There used to be this culture of putting others first. It was a thing. Now the world is more selfish. People look out for themselves. If you have needs or ask something of someone, you’re suddenly ‘selfish’ yourself. Well, I am anyway. I’m sick of being made to feel selfish and guilty for things I had to do, for myself, BY myself in order to stay alive. Other people left me in the sh*t… not caring if I lived or died. I sometimes said things – expressed how I felt, whilst tears streamed down my face. It was the only way, along with harming myself, that I could stay alive in those moments. People had hurt me. And then they had the audacity to make ME feel guilty for my reaction to the pain they caused me. This is something that has always happened to me. I don’t think I know a SINGLE person who hurt me, who apologised to me, sincerely, claiming the fault as purely their own. I’ve received half-arsed apologies. I’ve had apologies, followed by repeats of the behaviour. I’ve had apologies, ‘but I’m going to make you feel bad for making ME feel guilty!!’ and ‘I’m sorry… but I’m going to make you sorry for something too – I’m not taking all the blame!’ … I even had an apology from someone who was 100% at fault, completely, yet they said it was probably 90% their fault and 10% mine!!! Of course I accepted this, as doormats do, but fancy the cheek of that – 10% your fault…. guess her assignment of 10% came from me hanging up on her, as a result of her accusations! Again – being blamed for my reactions to someone else’s actions. Frustrating.

All of you have been incredibly selfish towards me at times. You’ve hurt me. And you’ve not truly taken responsibility for it. You’ve made me feel bad for feeling bad! None of you understand BPD. That much is clear. None of you seem to have the capacity to understand it. And until people like you start learning, reading, listening, and changing, you’re constantly going to permanently scar people like me. One day you’ll lose someone like me. If you don’t abandon me, I’ll push you away. Or one day I might decide enough is enough and snuff out my own light.
70% of those with BPD make at least one suicide attempt. 10% complete it. This is not a threat. This is not a direct attempt to guilt-trip anyone who knows me.

This is the reality of BPD. This is a major risk. It’s something people should be aware of… not just for people with BPD, but in general, we HAVE to treat each other kindly. We can’t go around communicating through silence. Verbally bashing someone. Spreading rumours. Bullying. Abandoning. Cheating on each other. Lying. Saying whatever the hell we like – words and actions / lack of words and actions, HAVE CONSEQUENCES. You don’t know how broken the person you’re talking to is. You don’t know how close to the edge they are. One final nudge and they could throw themselves in front of a train. They could cut too deep. And it wouldn’t just be their life you end…. what about the lives of their family? Suicide reaches deep amongst those left behind.

The only reason I haven’t ended my life or ended up in hospital thus far, is my family. I don’t want to hurt them. They’re the only reason. All you lot have given me enough reason to end it, or harm myself so badly I’m in hospital. Believe me, the urge is so great at times. But my family matter to me, and I won’t give any of you the satisfaction of destroying me and hurting my family, just because of your cruel, selfish actions.

 

think

 

THINK. That’s all I ask of you. Have compassion. Sensitivity. Put yourself in others’ shoes. Mine for instance. Think how you’d feel if someone you cared about did the things to you, that you did to me. However that makes you feel, that’s the response of a ‘normal’ person…… the pain is a hundred times worse when you have no emotional skin, and BPD. Please think before you speak. Think before you act. Think before you ruin the life of someone who already feels they’ll never fit in this world.

Because that’s the truth of it. I feel nobody will ever be able to love me… I’m too messed up. People will always abandon me… they always have. Friends will either hurt me or get sick of me. I’ll never hold down a job – my emotional outbursts, anxiety and problems with people will either cause me to lose my job, or I will leave. I’ll never be well enough to work, therefore own my own place. I’m too anxious and prone to outbursts that I don’t trust myself to drive a car. I’ll never have children, because you have to get married to have children (in my head at least – old-fashioned!), and nobody will ever love me and stick around long enough to want to marry me. I’ll never be ‘normal’ and never have the life I should have… the life I owe to my family. I’ll never amount to anything nor make them proud…… because of this bloody BPD.

Do you know what that’s like? To feel you’ll always be a failure, because of your mental illness. You’ll never be good enough for anybody or anything. Life is hard… for anyone. But for us BPD sufferers it’s even more of an uphill struggle… and some of us sadly never reach the top. We need people around us who understand… they take the time to research BPD and support us through it. They make life easier for us, not more challenging. Take Rachel for instance – she should have known better. She wanted to boost her own life, and she did. She gained everything, but lost me. In my head that’s not a big loss to her. I doubt she thinks of me for a second nowadays. But she destroyed everything I’d worked years to gain. My friends. I hadn’t had friends most of my life, and I finally had a group of friends, and her selfish actions took them from me. My confidence, self-esteem, hope, trust, happiness, it all got wiped away by her. And worst of all, all of the hard work I had put into my recovery was ruined. Because I met her through therapy I grew to resent therapy. I wished I’d never done DBT, because then I wouldn’t have met her, and she wouldn’t then have met Liam… and then my life may have been rather different. Nowadays I’m glad I did the therapy. I probably need more after the year I’ve had. I don’t mind necessarily having met her. I just wish I’d kept her separate from my other friends. And I wish Liam wasn’t introduced to the group. I wish we hadn’t formed a group out of my friends in the first place.

One rule in DBT actually is not to form close friendships with others from the group. I should have listened to that advice. And I strongly suggest anyone attending DBT – don’t form friendships with others…. if you do, just be cautious. Just because someone has a deep understanding of BPD, it doesn’t mean you can trust them. They still have the capacity to hurt you. And when they do, it hurts worse…. because they know your weaknesses, and they exploit them.

Life is difficult, because I sometimes think of forgetting everyone linked to my past, and starting over. But in reality I know that EVERYONE will hurt me eventually in some way. They will upset me. That’s the nature of life, and of BPD. I will continue splitting and going through life thinking nobody cares or is trustworthy. It’s the nature of the beast, and that’s a depressing thought. That my life will always be this hard. I’ll always be an outsider.

That is why I need people 100% on my side. I need them to have my back. I need them to understand the bad times. And I need them to ask about BPD, so that I feel they WANT to understand and make life easier for me. I want that effort from my friends, to show they mean business about sticking around and being my friend. I want them to learn, for me. But to still treat me as MORE than my illness. Treat me as their friend, but make allowances for my bad days, help me through them. And when they wrong me, I need them to own up to it fully, admit it, remedy it, discuss it with me, resolve it and then make it up to me. I’d like the chance to be a forgiving person. But I can’t do that if the wrongdoing is denied, excused, ignored, or glossed over and swiftly swept under the carpet. All that does is sweep it into my mind and heart, and makes it my burden to carry alone, whilst having to pretend everything is fine, which it’s not.

The BPD world is a lonely place to be. I’ve read a few accounts of this sense of being ‘alone’ with BPD, and it’s unlike any normal sense of being alone. It’s not about having nobody in your life. It’s not even about having nobody care about you. It’s much deeper than that. It’s the feeling that nobody will ever understand you, and how isolated that makes you feel. Life is challenging for people with BPD, and we need a companion, be it romantic, a friend or a family member, who can journey with us through life, deeply understanding our challenges, our feelings, our fears… but we feel this person does not exist in this world. And in a sense we will always be alone, until this person exists. And even then, there will be times we fall out, and in those moments we will split, feel nobody is on our side, the world is a terrible and scary place, life is hopeless, and in those moments we will feel alone. It’s a scary feeling, knowing this is the future. I wish all my old friends could comprehend this. Life is likely a lot simpler for them, purely from the way their minds work compared to mine. That’s not to say they don’t have their own challenges and pain, as I definitely know they do… but if they want to understand true suffering and isolation, they need only live in my mind for a day. The darkness, the falling feeling, the uncertainty yet the resignation to a future of despair, the urges, the tension, the world-weariness, loneliness and the feeling of being misunderstood to the core…. no normal person could cope with this every single day of their life.

I think us BPD sufferers are warriors. Champions. For every day we keep fighting, through a world that doesn’t understand us, nor makes allowances for our difficulties, we deserve medals. We are strong. Though we rarely feel we are. We feel every heartache, betrayal and emotional battering makes us weaker, and closer to packing it all in. But every time we fight the urge to end our lives, and live on through the pain and torment, we grow stronger. We just sometimes need the chance to step back, away from what’s causing us pain and darkening our spirits. We need time to look after ourselves and build up what shield we can. We can’t afford to face relentless hurt. Eventually we will reach our limit.

So I say to you, my old ‘friends’…. remember that. We all have our limit. Don’t push people beyond it, unless you want their blood on your hands. I hope you’ve all lived a little more now, and grown a little wiser, to appreciate that what you did was wrong, and hurt someone. I hope you regret causing that pain. And I hope you’re in some way sorry for it. I know I will never receive a true apology nor amends for what you did to me. And that’s something I just have to come to terms with. But if you really are sorry, then show it, by researching and finding out as much as you can about Borderline Personality Disorder. So that you understand me. And you never hurt someone the same again.

So many people have BPD, and people just don’t know it. I’ve only started talking about it in the last year. You don’t know who has it in this world. And if everyone knew of these beautiful yet delicate people, they might tread more gently in this life. You don’t need to walk on eggshells, just with gentleness and compassion in your heart. We all need to learn this way of living. We owe it to each other.

 

 

eggshells

 

So please, friends, old and new, I need you to know these things about me:

  • At times I may go quiet… I might forget to reply to you… I may stop talking to everyone – I’m either severely depressed or I need to recharge my emotional batteries. Please don’t take it to mean I don’t care about you. I do.
  • I might say the wrong things. I’m aware of this. Painfully aware. I go over everything I say and beat myself up for it regularly… for months after the event. If I apologise I mean it with my heart and soul. I never want to cause anyone any pain. I know too well what that feels like.
  • If you witness me having an angry outburst, please don’t be afraid of me. I would never hurt you. I’d only hurt myself. I’m not a nasty person for having anger. But I do believe this about myself. I need you to remind me it’s okay to be angry and let it out. Let me cool down for a few minutes, and then check on me, tell me it’s okay, you love me and give me a hug.
  • If you witness me crying, know that I don’t like to do that in front of people. Give me a hug. It means such a lot. If you can’t do that, then at least give me a tissue, as a gesture that you care and accept that I’m upset. Allow me to talk about what’s upsetting me if I want to, but don’t push it if I don’t want to talk, as it could make me more upset.
  • If I’m having an anxiety attack it may appear like I’m angry or rude, and I might also cry. I might need to get out of the environment I’m in. I need to feel there’s an escape route if necessary. I need to be encouraged to breathe slowly, shut the world out. Most of the time when I’m anxious about something, I don’t want to talk – I want to ‘zone out’.
  • If we have an issue between us, I need to feel safe to discuss it with you. Sweeping things under the carpet won’t work, unless you want me to resent you further down the line. I need to know you’re open to talking about it, will hear me out without attacking me, and that it won’t ruin our friendship.
  • If you’re annoyed with me, you have something troubling you, or any other reason you might be appearing to ignore, or avoid me, I need you to communicate that to me. Part of my BPD makes me paranoid and I need reassurance I’ve done nothing wrong or you’re not abandoning me. I know you might find this tiring having to reassure me, but you’ll lose me if you don’t. Basically if you have an issue with me, gently bring that to my attention. I’m not a mind-reader, though I can sense when something might be wrong.
  • If you decide you no longer want me in your life, as hard as it is, please talk to me about it. I’ve had too many people disappear on me, and it’s really unpleasant. It eats away at a person’s self-esteem every time. I need to understand things and have the answers. I’ve no problem with the answers, it’s the unanswered questions that hurt the most. For instance Holly told my best friend all the reasons she no longer wanted me in her life. They were all projections of her own behaviour, so I’m not too offended, as the person she described wasn’t me it was herself. But I’d have respected her more if she’d said it to me, not behind my back. Dan recently disappeared on me. I’m led to believe it has something to do with his wife not wanting him talking to other women….. had he told me that I’d have accepted it – I’d have felt sorry for him, and for her too that she doesn’t trust her husband, but I would have had the answer. Without the answer I felt it was something I had said or done, or it was aimed to hurt me. I need the answers. Too many other people walked away, leaving me completely in the dark as to why… and someone like me fills in the blanks.
  • I may appear to be ‘over’ something. I might have spoken about it ten times, and carried on with life. It doesn’t mean it’s healed. At any time I can be reminded and it opens up again. I may need to talk about it more. I understand if you’re tired of me talking about it, but please resist the temptation to ban me from talking about it anymore. Find a way to help me deal with it creatively or with someone else, but please don’t tell me you’ve had enough. I’ve had enough and I have to live with it constantly in my head. It’s a million times worse for me, believe me. And I know I’m a nuisance, I don’t need this sort of reminder.
  • If we have a falling out, please remember your position in life. Chances are you’re married with children, a home, a job, a life… as most of my friends are! At the end of the day you have someone to talk to, to hold you, to remind you what a wonderful person you are and how loved you are. I don’t. I have to cope with my grief, my guilt, anger, sadness, despair alone. I have nobody to reassure me, pick me up, hold me, love me despite my flaws. So if you then make me feel bad for being upset with you, I will feel bitter about this, as I had to pull myself through our dispute ALONE, whilst you had the comfort I wish I could find.
  • If I’m angry with you, or upset with you, I may not be over our falling out. But this does not mean I don’t love you or care about you still. I need you to understand and appreciate that, in order for ME to understand that you still care about and love me, when you’re upset with me. I need to know that people can fall out, but still love each other. I have little proof of this. And if you assume me being mad with you means I don’t care, and our friendship is over, then it tells me that if you’re ever mad with me, you don’t love me anymore and I’m going to lose you. I need you to be the example to me, to give me that sense of security in our friendship. I will always love and care about you. I just need to know you feel the same about me. I need to know you want me as your friend, and make the effort to rebuild our friendship. Things don’t automatically go back to how they were after an argument or loss of trust… it takes time and effort. I need to know if you think I’m worth that effort. Holly didn’t think I was. She expected me to forget and just trust her again after everything she said and did. She made no special effort. She gave up. If it wasn’t fixed with a click of her fingers it wasn’t worth the effort. I need to know you don’t feel this way also. Make the effort to rebuild my trust and faith in our friendship, and we’ll be okay in the end. Even when I’m mad with someone I don’t give up on them. I didn’t give up on Holly, despite her being the one to hurt me. I admit I gave up on Rachel and Liam, but this was because the betrayal was too bad. It seemed more of a choice than a mistake. Some things can be forgiven, others can’t. And I couldn’t bear to see them together. I know my capabilities and that wasn’t one of them. So I had to move on from them. But if you hurt me, apologise, remedy the situation, and make up for it with effort, then I’m more inclined to forgive. Whenever you think I’ve given up on our friendship, just know I’ve given up on putting in effort and having it taken for granted. I need to see the effort in return. That’s all I want. I still love and care about you. But I need to see the proof of that in return. That’s why I pull away when you’ve hurt me.
  • My moods will shift. I’m not ‘bipolar’. Bipolar tends to be periods of time where one is depressed, and then periods of time where they’re ‘manic’. With BPD these periods are shorter, more frequent, and more reactive to external influences. I could wake up one day in a wonderful mood, and one wrong word from someone and my whole life sucks, and I’m thinking about every bad thing ever said to me. We are heavily influenced by the world around us. We pick up on the energy around us. And for me, with this, if someone puts a damper on something I was looking forward to, it’s hard to be so excited afterwards. I don’t bounce back easily, but I can fall from ‘happiness’ in a heartbeat.
  • I want to be treated like an adult, respected like an adult, spoken to like an adult, but also cared for with the gentleness you’d care for a child. I’m NOT a child. I’m not ‘immature’, in fact I’m an old soul, I feel older than my years in wisdom. I just don’t always cope with emotions the way most adults do – having said that though, a lot of adults cope by drinking, smoking, having promiscuous sex, taking drugs, gambling… so seriously, why is self-harm frowned upon so much?? Treat me like an adult. Make allowances for me and protect my heart like a child.
  • I like to spend a lot of time alone. I hide away in my room, curtains closed. When I’m depressed I want to be alone. But I still need to know my friends are there and they care. Little gestures from friends are lovely. Just like in a romantic relationship little things mean a lot. They don’t have to cost the Earth. A simple card in the post, to remind me what a great person I am, that I’m loved and I’m a good friend, or reminding me of what’s good about me, or the fun times we’ve shared. Sending me a photo online to cheer me up. Anything that shows you’ve gone to the effort to care. I had friends who got a card signed for me by one of my favourite singers at a gig last year, and they posted it to me – that meant a lot. It showed they thought of me, wanted me to feel involved, or wanted to cheer me up after the year I’d had. I once had a friend who just sent me a card, sympathising with what I was going through in my break-up, and sending her love. It’s these little gestures that show I matter to people.
    It makes me feel like I’m being needy or demanding to ask for these gestures. But they make a world of difference. And I don’t have someone special to get these little gestures from. I’m alone remember, so it’s nice to be reminded now and then that I am still a worthwhile person, despite being so unlovable.
  • Please do your best not to cancel on me, especially late in the day. I understand things come up, but it will hurt me. I had one person who constantly let me down like this, usually due to ‘work’. I know this wasn’t the case. I know it was either to test me, or because they got afraid of seeing me, or they just plain forgot they had plans with me. It’s very upsetting, but also extremely disrespectful and disruptive to my life. I may have avoided other plans to meet you, and if you cancel last minute it means I could have done something else, but instead I’ve got to go home and fall apart instead. Honour your plans with me please. And if we’re going to some exciting event, I need you to commit to it, and stick to it please without putting doubts in my mind about it, otherwise all I will feel all day is anxiety and it will ruin the day. Be positive, or tell me straight you can’t go in enough time, so that I can make other arrangements.
  • If I bring up an issue with you, tell you something hurt me, or talk about my mental health, please understand I’m not doing it to get at you, make you feel bad or hurt you. It’s not a criticism of you as a person. It is simply me trying my best to explain my feelings. I never used to be able to, but therapy helped me to identify my feelings and taught me to stand up for myself. I try to do it in the nicest way possible, but obviously most people take things personally and see it as an attack on them. Holly certainly did – I indicated I was hurt by something she’d done, and all of a sudden I was negative and ‘kept criticising her as a friend’. Well I’m sorry… but if asking a friend to stop doing something that’s hurting me, makes ME a bad friend, then I’ll gladly be a bad friend.. I’m not just going to roll over and accept being trodden on by my so-called friends, just so that I remain a ‘good friend’ in their eyes. If something hurt me I can see it as just that, a thing that you did which hurt me. It’s about the behaviour that follows once I express my hurt… that will determine my view of you as a friend.
  • Please ask me about my BPD, if you don’t understand it then show willing to understand it. I don’t mind questions about it or about my self-harm. I’d rather that than you asking nothing, and treating me as though you don’t understand me. Please ask. And please also understand I am more than just BPD. If we’ve been friends for years then I am still that person, but you need to understand my BPD in order to understand me as a whole person, and to avoid misunderstandings.

 

ask

 

If any of my friends, past or present, have questions, I’d be happy to answer them. And for those who have left my life, I’m sorry you couldn’t understand me back then. I hope you can in the future. And if that day ever comes when you realise what damage you did to me, I hope you’re not too proud to contact me and make amends. If that day comes I’d love to hear from you. Until then, it is best for me that you left my life, until you can understand mental illness. I’ve got to do what’s right for me xxxx