National Poetry Day 2017

As it’s National Poetry Day today, I thought I’d share a few of my poems I’ve written over the years. Writing has always helped me to deal with my feelings and express myself. It’s a way of releasing pain, and having something constructive at the end of it. These ones I am sharing may be depressing, and I advise caution in reading them. I’ve written hundreds of poems on different themes, but chose these as I feel they relate to what this blog is about, and hopefully they’ll speak to some who read them. I really recommend taking up writing to deal with emotions. It’s an art I’ve lost recently, as my creativity is blocked, and I wish I felt able to do it right now, as I know it would help me. All the best, and hope you like them xxxx


 

A Lifetime Of Emotions

As I sit by the waves and block out all else,
I listen carefully…
I watch closely…
I think deeply…
This unpredictable, disorganised ocean,
A symbol perhaps, of human emotion.
One wave, anger, crashes to land.
The next, fear, fizzles in reluctantly.
A dark looming, slow-building wave of sadness
Rolls in, leaving in its wake, a silence.
Thoughtful.
And of course the wave of happiness –
The one so eager it double rolls,
Splashing over the bank.
Surprising, and soaking all those in reach.
I look at the sea, and this is what I see…
A lifetime of emotions, building up far offshore.
Deep beneath the surface lie our experiences, hurdles,
Milestone moments, hidden from us until it’s their time.
An ocean of secrets, of possibilities…
Each one sets in motion a different emotion
And sends it on its way.
The shore, the soul, is battered or cleansed,
Whichever is called for,
But each wave moulds us into who we should be,
If we allow it…
Just as waves come they’ll always return
Back to the ocean of lessons to learn.
No feeling is forever, if we learn to let it go,
Accepting there are some things we’ll never come to know.
The things we hold onto – anger, bitterness,
Love unrequited,
Are the rock-pools of life…
With the feeling, no matter how hard we try
We’re not strong enough to fight it.
We get caught in still waters, stagnate,
Ruminating on justice, revenge, and loss…
Which gets us nowhere, because
Some things aren’t meant to be,
Not all things go right –
We have to give up the fight;
Trust that a new wave, be it joy, terror, rage or sorrow,
Will soon strike again, maybe even tomorrow.
An enormous wave will sweep over, and steal us away,
Dragging us back out to sea – to new experiences,
To life.
As I sit here, by the waves, I feel the spray on my face…
They’re the tears,
As I realise the years
That I’ve lost in this rock-pool.

 


 

 

Windows

Sunshine and calm fill the world outside
As rain pours down the windows of my soul
Inside this room I feel broken in two
Whilst those on the outside mostly feel whole

The rain seeps in, and washes away
Everything hoped for, built, and believed
The colours of daydreams bleeding together
It’s time for the loss to be noted and grieved

Out in the world, enjoying the sunshine
People are laughing, in ignorant bliss
None of them knowing the tears on my window
I’ve never felt nearly as lonely as this

Out of my window I can see the sunlight
The people out playing, and messing around
The smiles on their faces, their hunger for life
But inside these walls, no smile can be found

The darkness in here fills me with terror
Knowing I have to face it alone
See, nobody out there understands me
The demons I battle each day, on my own

Life isn’t easy, these dirty old windows
They’ve witnessed too much sadness and loss
So rightly it rains, and nobody knows
And those who do know, don’t give a toss

The life of a poet is torture and windows
Seeing, not having; hopeless old dreams
Smiling on the outside, dying within
And only the page is deafened by screams

On this sad night, whilst broken, alone,
My dear trusty page, you hear me again
The sunshine, I know, won’t return to this room
But I’m thankful you hear me, and mop up the rain

 


 

 

Rain

As I walk through the rain
I think of all my pain,
I wonder how I can go on
Now things will never be the same.
Raindrops cleanse my broken soul,
Mimicking tears, as down my cheek they roll.
Just as in life I think ‘it can’t rain any harder’…
But just the mere thought tempts fate –
The rain pours harder, at a punishing rate.
Soaked to the skin, I journey within,
Wondering why this would happen to me.
The reason eludes me…
Torrential rain makes it impossible to see.
Feeling targeted,
Battered;
Everything that mattered
Washed away from me – why?
In the deluge of rain
A silent teardrop falls from my eye.
How could this happen?
Why was I chosen?
Left alone in the rain with my self-esteem frozen.
A test of God
For what I can withstand;
No-one beside me to lend me their hand.
I walk alone through a cold, heartless land,
Wondering about my destination,
Hoping perhaps that if I am patient
Maybe this rain might stop.
A break in the weather,
Things might get better,
And the sun will shine through tomorrow.
Drying up raindrops of sorrow
Leaving me a clear blue sky,
And answers,
Or peace with not knowing ‘why?’
If I hold on, just a bit longer
Maybe in time I may feel a bit stronger,
And one day further down the line
I’ll once more find my sunshine.

 


 

 

Save Me From Myself

Do you hear a heartbeat? Can you feel a pulse?
Is my smile genuine? Tell me, is it false?
Can you tell I’m dying, through my great disguise?
Can you see the suffering found within my eyes?
Do you see the darkness, the blackness of my mind?
If you searched for signs of life, tell me what you’d find…
Do you know the thoughts that haunt me every day?
If you knew of my despair, tell me what you’d say…
If you understood my pain, the illness and my tears,
Would you stand beside me? Or confirm my fears?
If you knew the things I did so that I could cope,
Would you save me from myself, or help me set the rope?
Would you spur me on to die, or encourage me to live?
Would you light my candle when I’ve nothing more to give?
If you saw my darker side, would you walk away?
Would you stop and hear me out? Tell me, would you stay?
If you saw the scars I bear, the pain that I’ve been through,
Do you think you’d be surprised, or would you say you knew?
If you saw the tears come out, would you run a mile?
Or maybe be a friend to me and give me cause to smile?
If you saw the love I hold, that’s sadly unreturned,
And held a ball of memories and lessons I have learned –
Would you laugh, or fall apart? Would the sorrow fill you?
Would you see such deep regrets as ones that could well kill you?
Would you understand my life, the struggles that I face?
Or maybe you won’t care at all – gone without a trace.
Would you take the time to care and show me that I matter?
Or be there when it’s much too late, and watch the ashes scatter?
Can you save me from myself, or will you just ignore?
Talk to me whilst I’m still here, before I am no more.

 

 


 

 

Crushed

A lonely shell,
Cracked round the edges,
Filled with hopeless screams
And wails of grief, defeat,
With pain of ten thousand broken legs,
Five thousand fractured skulls,
And two million paper-cuts.
An emptiness, bleakness,
Pointlessness.
A hollow sensation.
A heart losing its purpose as it struggles to pulse.
Stifled breaths, a weight on the chest,
A sore open wound, being prodded and pressed.
The sting of tears coating the inner walls –
Day and night,
Night and day,
The heartache kills, it’s there to stay.
Walls closing in,
Yet the darkness expands ever outwards.
Hard to see through the grimness of despair…
Searching for a hope that’s not there,
Pure lack of care.
Alone, shivering in the ice-cold abandonment,
Paralysed from the heart down.
The mind races to the past, the future,
And back again…
To the pain of the present,
The powerlessness.
The tortured mind knows no rest…
It lingers on through the heart’s last beat,
A ghost is born of love unrequited.

 


 

 

Tears

When words are not enough, emotions get too tough, when life becomes too rough
Tears fall from my eyes.
My eyes express the pain, of giving love in vain, and just like drops of rain
Tears roll down my cheek.
My cheeks have felt the sting, of sorrows life can bring, the memories all cling
As tears drop to my pillow.
My pillow knows my dreams, heard my secrets and my screams, and in endless streams
The tears they cleanse my soul.
My soul is sometimes weary, of always being teary, my vision becomes bleary
As tears fall from my eyes.
My eyes full to the brim, as hope begins to dim, I’m drowning I can’t swim
Then tears roll down my cheek.
My cheeks still bear the track, of feelings sore and black, teardrops can’t hold back
The tears drop to my pillow.
My pillow takes the blow, of thoughts you’ll never know, the never-ending flow
Of tears that cleanse my soul.
My soul is growing weak, my future looking bleak, and since I cannot speak
Tears fall from my eyes.

 


 

 

The End Of The World

With adrenaline pumping, I dodge fireballs
Raining down from the sky,
Signalling the end of the world.
The Earth quakes, and shakes;
All around me breaks.
The ground splits open as I grab, at anything,
Desperately clinging on for dear life,
Praying I won’t go down.
Long-standing mountains crumble –
After all their years of being, of rising,
All collapse, with rockfalls burying everything beneath.
The world is flattened, and cracked.
Any thought of a future looks black.
Eruption,
Lava spewing from newly-formed volcanoes…
Seething hot ash falls and covers the world,
Blocking out life, all hope.
A ghost town is what I see;
Nothing could survive……
It quietens… this could be over.
Perhaps I am saved.

Then a rumble and roar
Like I’ve never heard before.
Fire!
Fire, rotating, swirling, within a tornado.
It swiftly approaches.
I try to outrun it, yet it arrives too soon.
The force of the storm knocks me to the floor,
Flattening me; immobilising…
Then the realisation of fire hits –
Burning, scorching, charring my skin.
The pain is intolerable, and yet, somehow… I live.

I hear the rush of water, heading straight for me.
A towering wave coming full force.
The fear inside, near enough kills me –
I’d be frozen to the spot, were I not
Already incapacitated with burning pain.
Before I know it, the wave is upon me, crashing,
Bashing,
Devastatingly trashing all in its path.
I feel every part of me crushing beneath the force.
As I gasp for air, for relief, I’m pulled underneath…
It’s the end of the world… and I drown.

… All is black…. gone ….. silent….. the end.

…… And then I awaken the next day, and do it all again.

Welcome to my life.

 


 

 

Fight Or Flight

At first I was numb, and felt emotionally cold
Then paralysed by anger, adrenaline took hold
‘Fight or flight’ was triggered, and strange enough for me
I lost the spirit to stand and fight, I opted then to flee
The anger forced my legs to walk, my head refused to turn
It seemed the art of ‘giving up’ was suddenly mine to learn
Lost in thought, alone I sat, empty for a while
Then something happened I did not want, as it’s simply not my style
A burning from behind my eyes, a lonely tear did sting
I tried my best to block it out, but no longer would it cling
The lonely tear ran down my cheek as I looked up at that height
I made the choice right there and then – I’d given up the fight
I made my way up to the steps, and wiped away the tear
No sooner had I dried it up, before many more appeared
It happened when I was halfway up, reality set in
My thoughts had spiralled down the drain; my demons were to win
So many people on that bridge, who passed, yet never knew
The turmoil running through my mind – what I’d intend to do
My sheltered face avoided them, in case they’d see and stop
I had to feel I had the choice once I made it to the top
I lingered there, imagining the fall I’d have to take
The loved ones in my life were factored in the choice I’d make
On that night I chose to live, I made my way back home
But on that bus the tears poured down, I was never more alone
I never cry so publicly, I hid my face in shame
Flashbacks to events that night, and just how close I came
The hopelessness fell from my eyes, my heart welcomed its fate
I found it hard to breathe quite right, under the crushing weight
I stifled sobs in hope that no-one else would judge and stare
Yet lost in feelings far too raw, in a sense no-one was there
I put my face on, you know the one, the one that’s brave and strong
Walked from the bus to the cafe, pretending nothing was wrong
The girl on the till wrongly asked ‘have you had a nice day?’
I lied of course, for no-one cares if I’m actually okay
I sat alone and drank my drink, or stared in it at least
Then sorrow swamped into my heart, my face began to crease
I draped my hair across my eyes in hope that it would shield
The tears of broken-heartedness – the type that can’t be healed
Never so much in my life have I ever publicly cried
But when so much pain is dealt to you, it can’t all stay inside
That night I had my limit reached, the tears they overflowed
I did my best with what I had – I hit survival mode
Did I feel embarrassed? Yes, but everyone knows tears
Everyone has a breaking point, we all have pain and fears
I know I can’t forget that night, a turning point in life
The closest I had ever come to ending all my strife
I’m glad I chose the tougher road, for no-one is worth my death
I’ll fight for better days ahead, as long as I have breath

The Things I Love!

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I’ve been thinking, I’ve spent too much time recently being depressed, writing angry, sad, depressing posts… beating myself up…. hating myself…. hating the world. So although I still feel the same, I want to write about the good things in life – the things I’m interested in, the good qualities in me, and the things I love about the world. Today I was sat thinking about my interests, and how they probably make me sound like an OAP!! They’re not exactly ‘trendy’ interests, but do you know what… they make me who I am. I’m proud of my quirky interests… my boring (to others) interests, and my old-fashioned values and morals. And I’ve been advised to be my own best friend, so as uncomfortable as it will make me feel, here’s my list:

 

 

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  • I love fossil-hunting and would do it every single day if I could! I wish I lived on the Jurassic Coast, so that I could walk down each day and look for fossils. What annoys me is when people find bits of fossils, that they don’t want, and they leave them on a rock for someone else to ‘find’ – that’s taking away the whole FUN of fossil-hunting! It’s about getting your eye in and spotting an anomaly in the stones / sand. I’ve been so into it before that people have thought I was a professional and asked me for advice. I’ve also been known to lay down on the beach, in wellies, wet-coat and a backpack, picking out tiny ammonites smaller than a pin-head! The thrill of finding a fossil is like nothing else, and it’s so addictive. And to think these were living creatures millions of years ago, and you’re the first person to see them since they were fossilised. It’s very special. When I’m hunting for fossils I’m really there. Nothing else matters in the world if I’m doing that. It’s one of the only things that really holds my attention and makes me happy.

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  • I love the stars! Whenever there’s a meteor shower I’m out there watching for them. But I also love just looking at the stars, and contemplating the universe we live in. Looking at the night sky makes you realise how blessed we are to be on this planet. That out of all the planets in the universe, the right conditions were met here, for human life to exist. And to be alive is a gift. Even if life is tough… it’s a miracle we are here now, able to ponder the universe and the meaning of life with our evolved brains! I think the world would be full of calmer, kinder, wiser souls if people would just go out at night, not to drink and party, but to look at the stars!! Looking at the stars is like looking back in time, because the light we see has travelled across space and time to reach our eyes…. we could be seeing the light from a star which has been long gone, and the light is only now reaching us. And in that way it brings out the philosopher in me… I think of the light we share in our life, and how the light lives on through future generations, if we allow it to. And when we’re gone, we’re never truly gone. I liken the spirit to starlight…. it glows eternally, in an infinite universe. Plus stars are very pretty too!

 

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  • The moon also – I wish I had a telescope to view it much closer, and to see the planets as well. Hopefully one day I might. I like taking photographs of stars and the moon… the moon is much easier to photograph with an average digital camera I have to say. Stars are pretty hit or miss.

 

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  • I like sunrises and sunsets. Although I tend to see more sunsets I must say! It’s a beautiful symbol that something can end, and you get another chance tomorrow. The sun may set, but it will always rise again. It teaches us about beginnings and ends, and how the end of something is merely the beginning of something else. And again… pretty!

 

  • I like watching storms online… the storm trackers. I’m a geek – I watch the storms approaching and tell everyone about them… but as soon as they’re overhead I’m a wimp and hiding under a cover!!

 

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  • I like rainbows. And I like clouds. I like trying to identify different clouds – need to revise more though. But I’m always saying ‘What beautiful clouds!!’ and driving others mad… other people aren’t so into clouds as I am you see…

 

 

  • I enjoy playing music, but unfortunately lack playable instruments at the moment…. I play the piano, and my favourite piece to play is Moonlight Sonata by Beethoven. I throw every fibre of emotion I have into that when I play it, and at least used to be able to play it from memory, as I felt it so emotionally. I remember playing it in AS Level Music as a performance, and the tutor saying he’d never heard such an emotionally played version of it. I just wish I had a piano I could play right now, as it always used to release my emotions. I really enjoyed it, and want to learn new pieces. I actually like listening to a song and trying to play it from what I hear…. but it is tricky to do! I also like strumming a guitar – I’m not a good guitar player I must admit, but whenever I was hurt or angry in the past I’d pick up the guitar, put on something like Avril Lavigne, or Green Day and just strum the hell out of the guitar along to it. It made me feel better, though as I’m not a frequent guitarist, I have delicate skin on my fingers, so it really hurts after a while!

 

  • I love listening to music too. I may not be particularly ‘cool’ in my tastes. I don’t care. I hate (c)rap. I hate opera. But I like a bit of cheese and pop… I like the occasional new release in the top 40, though I don’t follow the charts anymore. I love Westlife’s music and don’t care what anyone thinks of that now. I like rock…. I like Bon Jovi and Green Day I like classical music and find it soothing. On a good day or a bad day I like putting music on and singing along to it, to release an emotion, good or bad. I find some music very moving and listen to it for that reason. Music speaks to my soul, and says what I can’t put into words. I love music.

 

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  • I love writing. I used to write a lot of poetry, and hope to get back into it when my creativity comes back. I like writing blog posts and articles. Writing is my life. It saved my life. If I hadn’t started writing feelings down, and writing poems, and eventually blogging, I don’t know where I’d be. It was an outlet for my thoughts and emotions. And it’s something I felt I could do at least a little well. Okay I’m not up there with the greats by a long shot. But it’s certainly one of my strengths, and sometimes expressing myself in writing is easier than in person. I hope to write a book one day, or form a collection of my own poetry and get that published. Long-term goals.

 

  • I’m a deep thinker. I’m open-minded. I have strong beliefs about things, but I don’t force those beliefs on others. I have no problem with a difference of opinion. I’m constantly challenging my beliefs on things anyway. I’m a spiritual person, and believe the spirit lives on after death, but that doesn’t mean I know for sure what happens. And for that reason I would never stick to one religion – I’m open to any possibility. Likewise aliens – the scientists say that alien life would need water, oxygen etc, basically the same conditions we have on Earth in order to exist on a different planet – I say this is rubbish… the whole concept of ‘alien’ is unlike Earth. Who is to say that all life-forms require water to survive? Our human rules and understanding of science dictates that, but there could be things out there beyond the capacity of the human mind to understand fully. So how they can be so narrow-minded to think alien life cannot exist unless the same circumstances exist out there somewhere, I really don’t know. I like conspiracy theories…. some would say it’s crazy stuff, paranoia or whatever, but I call it open-mindedness…. looking at the possibility that things are not as they seem. Some things I’m certain were cover-ups. And I just like reading about these things and forming my own opinions based on the information. I don’t follow the crowd and believe the mainstream narrative. Hence some of my political views!

 

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  • I love nature. I love the trees, mountains, ocean, flowers… everything nature gives us. I hate that we’ve built all our ugly buildings and roads all over a beautiful planet. It upsets me. There’s not enough places to be with nature. You have to travel so far to truly find somewhere natural. But when I find somewhere I feel more peaceful. I love the basic things that this planet has given us. We need to cherish those things. People, cities and buildings do nothing for me. Nature does everything.

 

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  • I love animals, more than I love people. Of course I love my nearest and dearest more than animals, but most people are a complication to my life. Animals aren’t complicated. They have much purer hearts than people. I used to have a phobia of dogs. One would come near me and I would burst into tears. Now I love them, and want to go and say hello to them. I look into the eyes of a dog and I don’t see an ‘animal’, I see a SOUL. A soul that only wants to have fun, and be a companion to a human. Cats are okay too…. but they have a more evil streak, and are more independent, and just use humans for food and a stroke now and then! But they’re still lovely, and are therapeutic to talk to, as they don’t talk back. I never want to harm any living being. I won’t kill an ant unless I absolutely have to. I will save a tiny fly from drowning and dry him out, until he can fly away again. I see every animal and creature as a gift to this world – they all have a right to life. I’m very respectful of animals, and yes, as a result I am also a vegetarian. I don’t judge others for eating meat, but there’s no way I could ever do it again now.

 

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  • I like bird-watching. I like trying to identify different birds, and photographing them too. I like spotting birds in my garden, and very often the robin and blackbirds come and ‘ask for food’. I also look out for my birds…. if they’re making their distress call or sounding hacked off, I’m out there, hunting down the cat that’s threatening them. As much as I like cats, in my garden the birds come first! There’s a better range of birds at my grandparents’ house – the goldfinches are particularly photogenic, and I even managed to finally get a picture of a nuthatch there too.

 

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  • I like board games. My brother’s always being recommended new games, and consequently we get to try them too. I’ve even been to board game conventions near me, to play games with others and pick up new games to try. My favourite ones have been 7 Wonders, Ticket To Ride, Carcassonne and the latest one is Takenoko. I like a good strategy game. I’m a bit of a nerd it has to be said. But I don’t care. Nerd and proud.

 

  • I like doing jigsaw puzzles as well as Sudoku puzzles. Anything to keep my brain ticking.

 

  • I like binge-watching TV shows. I like Vampire Diaries, Pretty Little Liars, The 100, as well as things like ER. I also like film series’ too – Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, The Hunger Games, Divergent, Harry Potter; Planet of the Apes films etc.

 

  • I also like watching a good horror film, but I don’t like the bloody, gory slasher type horror films. I prefer a more subtle ghost/haunting kind of horror that stays with you long after watching it…. there’s just not enough of them that are just right… so I end up watching the same ones again, and of course the more you watch them, the less scary they are. What’s funny is I won’t watch a film like The Grudge, or Paranormal Activity at night. But I will watch Most Haunted episodes… which is supposedly meant to be more realistic and likely…. but whilst I believe these things could exist, I’m pretty sure they fake most of that show, so it’s less scary than a film. I like to watch horror films to create a different emotion in me. I used to like romance films, rom-coms, but I find them depressing now, so prefer horror or the big blockbuster types.

 

  • I used to like Jack Dee, but my sense of humour has evolved to the likes of Michael McIntyre, Dara O’Briain, Ross Noble, Lee Mack to name a few. If I’m really down or have a headache I often find laughing to a DVD of theirs helps.

 

  • I love my Godchildren so much. From the moment they were born I knew they’d be a big part of my life. I’ve enjoyed watching them grow up so far, and it brings me joy to make them smile, and to see my Godson learning new words and copying things. When I spend time with them I forget about life for a while, and they give me such happy memories. I don’t have my own children, but the love I have for them is the closest I have to that. I can’t wait to see the people they’ll grow up to be.

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  • I love photography. I take far too many photos. I like taking scenic shots, those of animals, people, flowers etc. Basically anything you could photograph I like doing it. I like taking photos at gigs and creating videos out of them. I like taking photos I can use for my blogs. Taking a good photo is like finding a good fossil – you take loads to capture that one special one that deserves a frame.

 

  • I love my family and I’m very protective of them. I don’t have a big family, but my parents, grandparents and my brother are my world. I told my granddad (via the sky) that I would look after my nan, and whilst I can’t always be there, I hope I’m doing a good enough job to show her how much I love her. The loss of my granddad has made me realise I need to show my love more frequently to those who matter to me. I’m loyal to my family, and if someone wrongs them, I’m 100% on their side. If it means forever snubbing other members of the extended family I will do it, as I know the truth, and I know how lovely my family are.

 

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  • I like art. I like painting and drawing and creating collages. I need to practise it a bit more. Bit rusty. And I’ve lost a bit of confidence in it, but it’s enjoyable. I did a series of drawings and paintings of my granddad after he passed away. It helps to focus the emotions on to a piece of paper, and pour that love and grief out. I really should take that up again as I’m struggling now.

 

  • I’m individual. I have no interest in partying, drinking, sleeping around, having hundreds of ‘friends’ on social media, having all the latest technologies etc. I’m not a girly girl – I’m not into fashion, shoes and handbags, shopping, expensive jewellery, perfume, eyebrow-shaping, tanning and all those stereotypical ‘girly’ things. I hate shopping. I hate shoes. I’m very much a ‘make do’ person. I don’t understand people like I described. Much more important things in life. Deeper stuff. I’m quite happy in my own little bubble with a few good friends. I prefer a quiet night in, alone. I have a sense of fun without alcohol anyway. I’m quite old-fashioned in my views. I have good strong morals and feel I was well brought up. Although I feel most people in this world today aren’t on the same wavelength as me in terms of values and morals, which makes it quite lonely, I’m very proud of the person I am in terms of values, and knowing right from wrong. It’s other aspects of me I find it hard to be content with. But I like that I’m not a sheep. I like that I’m different. I like that I’m ‘weird’.

 

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  • Things that make me happy are: Bubbles; Purple; Broccoli; Chocolate; Fireworks; Butterflies; Snow; Putting my feet up after a long day; Dogs; Babies; Water; Singing – however bad it may sound; Random acts of kindness; Showing my appreciation for those I love. There’s many more, but just a snapshot there.

 

 

  • I’m a fighter. I may not feel ‘strong’ as such most of the time. But something inside me is strong. I’ve been through a lot in life, and I’m still alive today. Maybe not entirely in one piece, but I’ve pulled myself through many difficult times and challenges, and I will continue to do so, until I no longer can.

 


 

You see, I am more than my mental illness. I am a person, just like anyone else… perhaps quirky… weird… nerdy… but I am me. I see nothing wrong in being me. My interests, my hobbies, my passions, my beliefs and the little things that bring me joy, are what make me who I am. My mental illness is only one aspect of me. It’s the thing I battle through to try and enjoy the other aspects of my life. Yes I struggle with my emotions. Yes I can be hard to handle at times. Yes I can be quite intense. But on the flip-side, I am a loyal, caring, devoted woman, with a heart full of love waiting to be given. I don’t do things by halves. If I love you then I love you with every cell in my body. If I’m happy then my heart smiles and does somersaults. I have a lot of empathy, and my mental illness has put me in touch with the feelings of others, so I am consequently a more sensitive, respectful person. I have an inquisitive mind. I have pulled myself out of the darkest places, so I have great mental strength. Although there are many negative sides to mental illness, it’s not all doom and gloom. Sometimes our struggles guide us along a path to compassion and understanding for others. Those with mental illness have a lot to offer this world, if people could just look past the illness and value the person.

Write a list of your own interests, hobbies, values, passions, positive qualities…. you’ll see you’re more than what your mind makes you believe you are. You are a complete person, and worthy of love, respect, kindness and compassion. But you have to start treating yourself with these things first of all. I’m going to try to, I hope you will too.

xxxx

Punishment.

So today was bad. I was already in a vulnerable state, as it’s exactly six months since my granddad passed away. I’ve got a lot on my mind at the moment, and I feel exhausted from the moment I wake up. But I was quietly looking forward to going into work today, as I knew we had a nice lady standing in for the manager today, whilst she’s on holiday. But I get there, walk in, and it’s someone else. Not only that, but someone I don’t like. Plus she’d brought one of her own volunteers along too, so it was like we were taken over by them.

Given the state I was in emotionally, I needed normality, or the closest I could get to it as possible. I needed to know who was in, and I needed someone who knew me, and my situation, therefore someone I could open up to about how I was feeling today. But the woman in charge today was manic and has an abrupt manner. She likes telling people what to do, rather than letting them do what they usually do. That’s how it feels anyway. And she seems to be like another of the replacement managers too, who has a loud voice, and doesn’t care who hears her when she’s criticising something or someone.

Everything was going fine. I was almost at the finishing line – three minutes from leaving and I had survived! I had been able to grit my teeth and get through it. Nothing too major had happened. And then…..

The till receipt ran out after serving a customer – so they couldn’t have a receipt. My colleague and I let her know, and they hunted for a new roll. But I couldn’t give the lady a receipt. She was okay with that. Anyway a man came along with something for 50p, and I for some reason thought he might’ve been blind, and didn’t want to leave him standing there ignored, so I asked him if he needed a receipt for it, and he said he wouldn’t need it, so I started serving him. Partway through the boss lady came and started putting the till roll in whilst I was still serving the man, so I carried on and finished it, took the money, gave the change, all good.

And then when the next woman wanted to buy something I couldn’t put the amount into the till, as the total for the previous sale was on the screen, so we had to call boss lady over again, and she pressed the cash button, and said when the till roll runs out to let her know right away (which we did!), and don’t carry on using the till afterwards otherwise….. blah blah blah, basically explaining, in a nice loud voice, what I had done wrong, and why it was wrong etc.

Now I have no problem if I’ve made a mistake, then educate me how it’s done properly. But bloody do it in private. Do it quietly and tactfully. Don’t make a show of it in the middle of the shop! The customer was bloody waiting to be served, whilst I got this lesson in what I apparently did wrong!!! In the end I said ‘I’d better just serve this lady who’s waiting’ and apologised to her for the delay. She was lovely about it. But of the boss woman, I thought WTF?! You’re standing here giving me war and peace about a fucking till roll and there’s a customer standing in front of us, waiting to be served, so that she can go! She didn’t need to hear all that crap you spouted.

I expressed some of  this to my colleague as we went for the bus together, and I almost started crying, so used my grounding object and the breathing skills I learnt on my course this week. It helped me to stay inside my body and calm down, and not burst into floods of tears in the street. But the darkness had already been triggered. Even as we went for the bus I misjudged the traffic lights and walked into the road when it wasn’t the crossing. I didn’t really care.

I thought about my therapy so much, and how I’m meant to be learning skills, using them, and not doing myself harm, but honestly I feel so screwed up about therapy at the moment too, what with transference and all, that the thought didn’t really help me.

I had calmed down and grounded myself, yet I had also come to the conclusion that I had to cut myself. I had to punish myself.

What people don’t realise is that when they broadcast my mistakes or show me up in front of people, they are slashing at my spirit. They are wounding me emotionally. And it leaves a scar of humiliation. So when I then go home, get my bag of self-harm tools out and cut into my own skin, that is merely a physical representation of what they have already done to me. The way they do it, feels like a ‘telling off’ which is kind of like a punishment, so I believe I’ve done something wrong and that warrants a punishment. So I use a blade to do that.

I feel disappointed that I harmed myself again. Things just keep getting worse at the moment. But in all fairness today was a milestone day in terms of grief, so I was bound to be on the edge. I just wish people would THINK before acting. You never know what someone’s experiencing on the inside, and what pains they’ve been through in their life, that mean you could trigger them to do something like I did today. I think some of these people forget we’re volunteers… we’re giving up our time, for free, and we deserve to be treated with more respect and discretion than that. I will probably take it up with the volunteer co-ordinator. If they don’t want people like me to leave then it might be worth taking note of the feedback. I can just as easily never go back there… give my time elsewhere. Would be a shame though, after all the progress I’ve made.

I feel a mess of emotions tonight. I know there’s something I have to confront head-on next week, otherwise I’m going to suffer endlessly. I’m just scared about doing it, and how it will be received. I’m preparing myself for the final straw. The fact that in my ‘Problem Solving’ homework one of the possible solutions to the problem was to ‘end my life’, I think it’s fair to say I’m feeling a bit suicidal right now. It feels like the way to stop the pain. There’s just too much pain in my life at the moment. I just want a break from it all. Why can’t I have a break?

I’m Tired Of Feeling.

Abandoncover

*Contains strong language*

 

I’m not good at the moment, I’ll be honest. I feel overwhelmed. And I feel alone with it. Loneliness is an emotion I particularly struggle with. And what compounds this is my friends not realising I feel alone, or understanding why.

I’m struggling with my emotions a lot right now. And also my self-esteem. Health, both physical and mental have been a struggle. I’m really depressed, and feel exhausted every single day, and it only keeps getting worse. No amount of sleep fixes the tiredness I feel. I’m weary of the world. I’m tired of feeling everything. I feel I’m being abandoned by my friends, and every time I allow myself to think about that, it’s like a stab to my heart, with a very blunt knife… and that stab deflates my heart and sends it to the pit of my stomach. I don’t feel loved at the moment. I don’t feel appreciated. I don’t feel visible anymore. What is the point in being on social media? People don’t interact with me. I’ll get the occasional ‘like’. I’ll get the occasional comment when someone disagrees with me and wants to show me up! I’ll get the occasional late night ‘Hey’ message, when I’m already settling down to sleep. But in my waking hours, when I need people, and when I need to know I matter to them, nothing. I’m invisible. And I want to unfriend everyone right now, and live as isolated as I feel.

 

abandon1

 

I mean no offence to my friends, as I’m aware they all have their own stuff going on. I just have such paranoia right now, and my emotions and negative thoughts are overwhelming, and I honestly believe none of them would give a fuck if I dropped off the face of the Earth. Sorry.

I’m just starting to struggle more with grief, and they’ve all forgotten. Life goes on. But not for me. When I’ve needed people the most, around this issue, they’ve not been there. They’ve let me down. I got the initial support when it happened, but after that, nothing. And it’s only now, that the realisation that he’s truly gone and I’ll never see him again, is setting in. And it’s the sudden awareness that we are all alone in life. Nobody else gives a shit that I’m suffering. Nobody gives a shit that this was my first loss – they’re all thinking ‘Well we all went through that at some point, why are you making such a big deal out of it?’ – that’s my assumption at least. And that they’re also thinking ‘It’s only your granddad, not like it’s your mum or your dad’. I’m just a number. I’m just like everyone else now. It’s like once you’ve lost someone you’re just normal and you just get on with it like everyone else does. Well I’m sorry, I haven’t got to that point yet. I’m still in shock that after thirty years of my life, I really have lost someone of great importance to me. I lived the last ten years of his life, living in denial yet knowing that one day I would lose my grandparents… and I’m struggling with the reality that ‘one day’ has come. He’s not here anymore.

I switch between remembering the last time I saw him, not even 48 hours before he died, and the way that’s scarred me forever…. and also I sometimes just remember him before he got ill, and the comparison between that and him not being here now, is just as traumatic and scarring. A part of me thinks how can he be here one minute, talking, laughing, caring, worrying, joking… and the next, he’s gone… put into a coffin, cremated, and nothing left but memories. How can that be? But then I remember that we watched him deteriorate for eight months. Longer even… we watched him have a mini stroke and lose some of his eyesight. We saw him have fall after fall. We saw him go into hospital for six weeks, and said our goodbyes then, before his short-lived recovery. And then he gradually got worse. He lost his memory… one time thinking I was someone else. Until eventually he was dying, and I really was saying goodbye for the final time. I mean some people aren’t so lucky to have a chance to say what they need to say, and to say goodbye. So in a way I’m fortunate. But I’ll never forget saying goodbye, KNOWING it was the last time. And as I closed the door to as I left the room, I looked in and looked at him for the very last time, knowing I would never see him again in my lifetime. That image will never leave me.

And this is just the beginning. He’s just the first of many losses I’m going to face. And if this is what life is, do I really want to be a part of it?

I’m living life from one event to the next. And just wanting to shut the world out in between. I don’t enjoy life anymore. I have moments when I do, and any moments in between are hell.

I have started a therapy group last week, and cried in my first session, in a room of strangers…. because of my granddad. I’m mortified by this, as I hate showing my emotions in front of people. I know it’s going to be a struggle for the next three months. But therapy has already brought up issues from the past for me, as that’s my problem now. Everything is linked. Present, past and future. My present struggles are because of my past. I can’t move into my future because of my past and present. I need to heal my past. But I can’t, because I can’t talk to anyone about it. Just like my grief, that file’s been closed. It’s done now. I should be over it by now.

 

abandon2

 

I feel judged. I feel judged for not letting go of shitty human beings who hurt me. I feel judged for having a voice and bloody well using it. I feel judged for cutting toxic people out of my life. I feel judged for standing up for myself. I feel judged for not having a proper job. I feel judged for still living at home, and not driving. I feel judged for being chronically single and not having children. I feel judged for being fat. I feel judged for being the friend that is STILL a failure after ten years. I feel judged for being such an awful person that nobody will ever want me. I feel judged for being a shit friend….

And I AM a shit friend. I’m bloody aware right now that I’m not there for my friends like I used to be. I know I sound like I’m criticising them, but it’s because I hate myself, and assume they do too. And I never get any indication otherwise. I’m aware that I’m missing out on important things that my friends are going through, and what a shit friend that makes me. But I can barely care about myself on any given day, to be able to project that care to other people. I’m selfish. I’m a selfish, shitty person, and it’s pushing people away. Which is the exact opposite of what I need from people right now…. which is making me more ill, and more selfish and shitty as a friend, and that’s it pretty much… a spiral to rock bottom. Not far to go now.

I’m tired of trying. I’ve put in a lot of effort in the past with people, and not got the same effort back, and it’s finally dawned on me, that I don’t matter to other people to the degree that they matter to me. And I don’t want to live that way anymore. I’d rather be alone than have half-hearted friends. I just wish we could rewind two years and freeze it. Because once something happened I no longer believed anybody cared about me. I no longer thought I had a friend I could count on. I no longer trusted people. And it’s ruined how I see my friendships with people now. And I can’t unsee it. And I wish so much that I could. This isn’t about blaming someone. It’s not about making anyone feel bad. It’s explaining how it feels to be me now….

I feel like a vulnerable little girl, unsure of the big wide world around her. I feel I’m stood on a thin branch, unsure of when it’s going to snap, and how far I’ll fall when it does. I can’t afford to move, because it might break the branch. I have absolutely nobody to confide in anymore, so every single thought and feeling I have, is locked up inside, where it just grows and grows, until I’m at the worst scenario, and have nowhere to release it, so harm myself. Sometimes I don’t know which way is up. What used to be my rock, no longer is, so I’ve nothing to support and stabilise me anymore. Nobody to count on. I feel like a deer caught in headlights. The world carries on at full speed – people and events in life are the cars, and they’re totally unaware I am the deer, and they all scare me, and overwhelm me, and I freeze inside. My fight or flight kicks in, and that’s why I sometimes run from the people I care about, because I’m constantly waiting now, to be hurt by everyone, because that’s all they’ve ever done to me. Also constantly being on the lookout for danger is exhausting, and it’s why my tolerance for social interaction is so low at the moment.

 

abandon3

 

I project a tough exterior now, to keep people away, but this leads to misunderstandings, as inside I feel like I’m a little girl, frightened and alone, and abused by the world. And I just want someone to come up to me and give me a big cuddle, tell me they love me, and will protect me from the world. But I’m the neglected child on the street, who people walk past, ignore and pity at best. They have no love to give for an ugly child like me. They think I’m not a ‘hugger’ so they keep their distance. Yes I have personal boundaries and I have my circle of personal space which people should respect, but sometimes I just crave the human warmth from friends… for them to realise I’m not this tough woman I might appear to be.

I feel nobody ‘gets me’. Heck the one guy I wanted to settle down with, who was much like myself, and wanted someone who ‘got him’ (which I did!), didn’t even get me! He didn’t recognise my vulnerability. We were so alike, and could’ve made each other happy. But he decided to paint me as someone I’m not, and paint someone else as better than they were, and now they’re married. So….

And what I wish people could understand is my life feels like one big fucking tragedy. From that point on – 5 years ago yesterday (15th September), my life changed and it still doesn’t feel real. When I think about that time of my life and how out of control it sent me spinning, I feel I could throw up from the emotion of it. It hurts just the same today as it did back then. In a way, even more so. Because so much time has passed and the people involved have happily moved on with their lives as though I don’t exist, and I’m still stuck in this place of pain, betrayal and tragedy. It’s tragic that two people like me and that guy friend, would’ve been perfect for each other, had I not been so hurt by other people that I closed up. If I could’ve let my barriers down, and had he been better at spotting the desperate vulnerability in me, he could’ve been MY knight in shining armour. And I wouldn’t be where I am right now…. wanting to end the pain forever.

 

abandon4

 

I can’t get over what happened, and the more time that passes, the sadder and more angry I get. It’s mainly sadness, at what I lost, and how fucked up my life became because of those people. I just can’t understand how a friend could do to me, what they did. And I feel so angry and upset at the guy, and wish I could tell him that. The way he ended things with me will haunt me forever. It’s messed up my view of everything. He made me believe in good guys. But the way we parted made me realise there’s no such thing. And if he, the one decent guy I met, and a friend, couldn’t see the good in me, and appreciate me, then there’s no hope for me.

People need to understand that that’s why I am so cynical about love now, and about finding my own happiness, because that SHIT of a man has destroyed anything I ever believed about guys, and about myself. And I HATE him for that. Everything he said to me in our parting messages has scarred me and rearranged my beliefs about my worth, character, friendship, and right to be respected. He showed no respect for me and didn’t fight for me. He rubbed salt in the wounds and spat at me at my lowest, and I will NEVER forgive him for that.

All of the shit that’s happened to me because of so-called ‘friends’ in the last few years… it feels like it happened to someone else. These things don’t happen to someone like me. I’ve always been quiet and reserved, and down-to-earth. I fight a daily battle between ‘I DIDN’T DESERVE ANY OF IT!!! I’M A GOOD PERSON!!’ and telling myself I’m a bad person, and that’s why people shit on me so often. I battle between ‘So-and-so is a rubbish friend!’ and ‘I’m the rubbish friend’. I battle between moving on with my life and showing them how fucking irrelevant they are to me……and slashing my arms and standing in front of them, screaming what they’ve done to me, before ending my life because of them. I’m in constant conflict in my mind and my heart. I feel like I’ve allowed bloody awful people and their actions to change me, and make me someone who DOES deserve what happened to me. I hate who I’ve become, because of their actions.

Even this year, too many people have hurt me. And I can’t take any more of it. What did I even do to deserve it? Just because they disagree with my opinions, they think it’s acceptable to do what they did and take no responsibility for it. It’s not on. And I can’t trust people anymore now. I think everyone hates me, across the board. I’m not over what happened at the start of this year, and I won’t be until it’s acknowledged and apologised for. I’m not over what happened last year, and don’t know how to fix that. I’m not over the things that happened five years ago which broke my world into pieces. I’m not over any of it, and if I could take a pill and be over all of it I would do it instantly. I’m not choosing to hold on to these things, they are stuck to me like leeches, and they’re sucking away at my spirit every day, and I’m losing who I am as a result. I hate myself, and I’m sorry if it’s needy or demanding, but every once in a while it would be nice to hear from the appropriate people, that I’m ….. well, whatever good qualities anyone can see in me, that I can no longer see. But the fact nobody ever does it, or not the right people at least, tells me there’s nothing good left in me. And that makes me want to unburden everyone from my presence.

I’ve spent so long putting in extra effort for friends, and feeling it was taken for granted, that I just don’t bother anymore. I honestly don’t have it in me to go the extra mile anymore, when nobody goes it for me. Cancel something, to make time for me when I need you….. buy a bunch of flowers…. send a card to cheer me up….. give me a framed photo of us to show what our friendship means to you….. keep your word….. say online that you had a good day with me, like you do with others….. I could go on, but I shouldn’t have to tell adults how to show they care about their friends. But the fact I feel the need to ask specifically for signs of caring from my friends, shows me they 100% DON’T care about me. If they DID care I would know it from their words and their actions. I’d never doubt it. And the fact I’ve reached a place as dark as this, to believe none of them care, shows they don’t. So I’m incredibly close to cutting everyone out. They wouldn’t notice anyway.

I just give up on people now. I want to pack up my social media, switch off my phone and isolate myself. And I can’t tell if it’s because I think others aren’t being good friends to me, or if it’s because I’m not being a good friend to others. Or both. I feel too many things have been said and done, and with too much water under the bridge, there’s nowhere left to turn. I feel certain if people haven’t abandoned me, they will now, so I might as well give up. I brought this upon myself. Or rather the pain I’ve endured has brought this upon me. But people see the actions, they don’t see the cause behind it. And I’m too tired to explain myself anymore. I just want one person to get it. To get me. And to stick around despite it all. I’m tired of feeling. I’m tired of life.

Little Mental Health Things People Should Know About Me.

mental health

*Contains strong language*

 

Little Mental Health Things People Should Know About Me…

  • If you see me changing my profile picture / cover photo every few days, this is not narcissism. It is not me loving myself and my pictures. It’s the opposite. I’m hating myself, detesting my looks and feeling very insecure. Sometimes I’ll change to particular photos that are significant to me at certain times. Sometimes I’ll switch back to one from a time I was happy. My photos represent my emotional state.
  • Sometimes my profile picture will be a scene, or an animal. These are dangerous times for me. These are the times I can’t even bear to see my own face. I am hating myself as a person and will likely be withdrawing from everyone. I may even close my Facebook account down.
  • If you ask how I am, and I say I’m ‘okay’, then I’m okay. If I say I’m ‘alright’ then I’m not okay. Alright is my code word for ‘I’m struggling’. Nobody knows this, and they all assume I’m okay if I say I’m alright. But it’s my way of saying ‘I’m not good, but you don’t really want to hear the truth, you’re just being polite, so here’s your answer!’

  • Don’t start a conversation with me late at night. I will be in settling down mode – I have to do this, to avoid overthinking at night, which used to be the cause of my suffering. Obviously if you need my help and support that’s different, but small-talk at night pisses me off, I’m sorry. I might reply to a message at night, but that’s part of my settling down routine – I get necessary correspondence out of the way so I can relax and forget about the world. I mean no offence, but this is just my life now. If I don’t have my personal quiet time, after 9pm at the latest, I will get overwhelmed and stressed, and be up all night thinking. I’m sorry.
  • Don’t ‘poke’ me. Don’t just say ‘Hey’. I’ll feel like you’re bored and I’m just filling a gap for you. I want you to talk to me because you want to talk to me. And if you want to talk to me, you’ll have something to say. I’ve had too many conversations that are like ‘Hey, how are you?’ – ‘I’m good thanks, and you?’ – ‘Yeah, okay. What you up to?’ – ‘Not much…. have you had a good week?’ – ‘Yeah‘…. and I cannot stand this!! It makes me feel that you’ve got in touch with me, and when I bite, and reply to you, you’re not interested in an actual conversation with me. I’m just a boredom-buster. I won’t take the bait anymore as I don’t feel I’m a person to you.
  • Don’t ask me to answer your phone. I don’t do that, unless I know the person on the other end of the phone. It’s a phobia.
  • Don’t ask me for lunch, or any social meal – as nice as it is to be invited, and feel ‘normal’ for a moment, I cannot eat in front of people, unless I’m really comfortable with them – and preferably privately. I don’t do restaurants etc. I have residual elements of social anxiety, and the thought of a social meeting focused on eating, fills me with dread. And I can never empty a plate either, and don’t want everyone judging me for not eating my food.
  • Going to a new place or meeting new people scares me. If we’re meeting somewhere, please make arrangements to meet me outside so we can go in together.
  • Please don’t ask me what I’ve done to my arm if I have a bandage / plaster on – chances are I’ve self-harmed, or want to cover a scar. I’ll tell you if there’s some other, more interesting reason. And by all means ask me about my self-harm, for educational reasons, but please don’t make me feel judged…. I’m covering it up for your benefit, so that you don’t feel uncomfortable – it’s annoying enough having to hide it, without attention being brought to the fact I’ve hidden it!
  • Just because you see me smiling, laughing or mucking about with children / dogs… it does not mean I’m not dying inside. Babies and dogs are the very temporary ‘band-aid’ as they’d say in America. They allow me to escape my mind for a short while. But the second they leave, reality is still there, looming over me like a thunder cloud, waiting to strike me down to my lowest.
  • Please understand that I have depression. But I never want to burden you with it, so you will rarely ever see it yourself. This will make it hard for you to understand me, empathise with me, or support me… I know. But would you rather I looked how I feel?
  • Depression to me is not wanting to get up. Not putting clothes on. Not brushing my hair. Not doing my teeth or make-up. Not doing anything productive with the day. Crying. Staring into thin air. Over-thinking. Not eating enough, or comfort eating. Not drinking enough and consequently getting headaches. Feeling irritable. Isolating myself. Not having my medication until gone midday… sometimes not until 5pm. Taking painkillers just to make me tired at night, and block out reality. Staying up late thinking… sometimes until gone 3am. Worrying about everything, and caring about nothing. Negative thoughts about myself. You will never see any of this. This is a side to me only my closest family know about. I prefer it that way.
  • I take three different medications for my mental health – two anti-depressants, and an anti-psychotic. This puts limitations on a social life. But it’s necessary for me to keep living. I remember feeling very suicidal before I went on medication, and dread to think what I’d be like now without it. Medication isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but if it helps then there’s no shame in taking it. One of the medications makes me sleepy at night, and I often don’t feel very tired until I’ve had it. Some of my medications have likely caused some of my weight gain, and I feel terrible about it. But better to be alive and fat, than skinny and dead, right?
  • You might find me hard to cope with sometimes…. imagine being me. I have to live with myself every single second of every single day. Don’t go thinking I enjoy it. If you don’t, then I don’t, and it’s even worse for me, because I can’t get away from me like you can. Now can you understand why I hate myself so much?
  • Just because it doesn’t matter to you, doesn’t mean it doesn’t to me… and if you care about me you’ll make it matter to you too.
  • I’ve had a lot of things happen to me in my life, okay. I know everyone does. But to have BPD and I guess in some ways PTSD or a lesser form of it, makes it hard for me to let go. I am tormented by my past every day. It won’t leave me. And every new upsetting event just adds to the mountain of painful memories. The memories and feelings won’t leave me, and because of the BPD those emotions are more intense and difficult to deal with. So forgive me for still going on about things that happened at school, or five years ago, or last year… I’m not doing it to annoy you, punish you or get sympathy. These things altered my life. They changed how I see the world. They’ve ruined me as a person, and it’s not something I can easily overcome. But I am trying my best to continue living in this world, despite the evil I have witnessed in others. If you’re sick of hearing about it, how do you think I feel having flashbacks and reminders every bloody day?!
  • And another thing – just because I’ve stopped talking about it to you, it doesn’t mean I’m not still struggling with it every day. I probably just got an inkling that you’re fed up with me talking about it, so I’ve closed off from you. Even if I tell you I ‘don’t care about it anymore’ – that’s a LIE. I care about it very much, and I live in pain because of it. But losing you because of my feelings about the past, would only cause me further pain that I know I couldn’t handle right now. So I shut up, for your sake.
  • If you say you’re going to do something with me, and it is of great significance and support to me, please don’t let me down. Don’t ‘forget’ to sort it out and therefore not be there for me. I won’t trust you again, and won’t ask for your support or company again. And without extra effort from you, I will be distant. I need to see effort when I’ve been let down. This is a big one for me, after all I’ve been through. I need to see proof that I’m worth the effort, and that it’s not just empty words. If I’ve been lured by empty words and broken promises then I will doubt myself, and our friendship, and won’t believe a word you say anymore.
  • Sometimes I fear I’m losing you. You might think I’d become more clingy if this is the case, but often I do the opposite. If I feel I’m losing you and you don’t care, I will stop bothering you. I will stop talking to you. I won’t try and arrange meeting up. I won’t beg you to stay, because I deserve people who WANT to stay. And if you can’t show me that you’re staying, then we’ll drift apart. Please don’t take my distance to mean I don’t care about you anymore – it’s a defence mechanism as I feel you don’t care about me anymore. And to save myself from being hurt, I pull back. If you don’t notice this, don’t pull me back, don’t make any effort then I will assume my belief is correct. So if you notice a gap between us, please make the effort to bridge it…. because I won’t. I’m not running after anyone anymore. And the bigger that gap becomes… the longer we’re apart…. the harder it will be to get me back…. I promise you. This might not make sense to ‘normal’ people, and you’d think because I have the knowledge that I do this, that I should stop – but that’s my rational mind speaking. I struggle with my emotional mind, and it’s more intense, and I don’t know any other way of communicating or getting what I need from people. I need people to realise I’m scared of losing them, and I can actually feel them leaving me…. and for THEM to put in the effort. I don’t think this makes me needy. It makes me human, and I’m frustrated that nobody ever fulfils my basic human needs. They leave me to rot, alone, inside my head. I need one person to prove to me that not all people are the same…. I need one person to show me continual effort…. only then might I start to believe in people again. Only then might I know that not everyone is going to leave me.
  • I’ve had counselling, seen a CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse) for a number of years, and did two courses of DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy). I’m now having CBT and am about to start a group therapy course. There’s nothing to joke about with therapy. Some turn their noses up at it, but it’s personal choice. Some don’t want to talk about feelings, others need to. It’s hard work.
  • I struggle to work. I don’t have a full-time job like most people. I’m not having a party every day at home. Don’t go thinking I have it easy, just because I don’t work as much as you. Having a mental illness is exhausting. I’m working hard to stay alive and get well. Yes I know many with mental illnesses DO work… but don’t judge me because I don’t. You don’t know my story and my own personal struggles. I have reasons why having a proper job would be difficult, and until I can challenge those reasons I would be a risk to myself at best. I’m not lazy. I want to be normal. I want to work. I want to have energy. I want to make money. I want to feel worthwhile. And I’m getting there. This isn’t easy.
  • If I cry in front of you, please realise it’s something I rarely do. I don’t want to do it. So I have to really be hurting for it to happen. A hand on the arm, an arm around the shoulder, a hug or a tissue will make such a difference.
  • If I get angry and have an ‘outburst’, know that I don’t want that to happen. I am no danger to you or others, most likely to myself. I will feel utterly ashamed and embarrassed afterwards, and afraid that you will abandon or hate me.
  • You may interpret it as ‘overreacting’ or ‘letting something get to me’, but you have no idea how long things have been building up. I bottle things up, and when you finally see my emotional reaction, it will not just be to that one event. So don’t go thinking I’m crying over spilling a drink, getting mad at you for changing our plans, or getting upset over something one person said, that wouldn’t bother you. You’re not me. I’m not you. My reaction is my own. And it is intensified by a build-up of overwhelming feelings from unreleased emotions over the day, week, or even several weeks. I keep a lid on it most of the time, so it might just pop out at a peculiar time, that makes no sense to you. But it does to me.
  • If you upset me… apologise. It won’t kill you. And it’ll likely save our friendship. But don’t stop there. If you’ve badly hurt me then you need to put in more effort to fix our friendship. If I feel that isn’t happening, then I will detach from you. And if you still keep at a distance and don’t fight to keep me, then we’re no longer friends, as you’ve doubly hurt me, by the initial hurt, and by not seeing me as worthy of effort, to fix our friendship. I don’t need friends like that in my life anymore. I’ve had too many of them already. I need people to work at our friendship, to make me believe I matter to someone. And to make me believe there are decent people in this world, who understand social norms. I’ve so far only met those who live on a different plane, and can’t see what’s needed in any given situation. It’s funny… I always thought I was the one who didn’t understand social norms. But I have now come to realise that I’m the only one who knows the right thing to say and do, and everyone else is either too self-absorbed, too proud or too simple-minded to know how to treat other people.
  • If I pull away from you, then pull me back if I matter to you…. otherwise I’m going to assume I’m irrelevant to you. It doesn’t matter how close we usually are.. you are not immune from my assumptions. If I get it in my head that you hate me, resent me or have given up on me, I will distance myself from you. If you don’t put in the effort to make me feel loved, then I will disappear from your life, slowly and quietly. Don’t blame me if you lose me.
  • Yes I’m a self-harmer. Yes I have scars. No I’m not attention-seeking or crazy. I know you’d think so… I mean how can any ‘sane’ person cut into their arm? I cut into my arm because the world hurts too much. If I was ‘crazy’ then the world wouldn’t hurt as much. Therefore I am not crazy. As for attention-seeking – if you ever see my scars, then know that for months and months I have hidden them from sight. If you see them then it could be a sign I feel comfortable with you and trust you not to judge me… so please don’t. I don’t go around showing off my wounds and scars. When I was younger I’d go through summers wearing cardigans, pretending I wasn’t boiling hot. I didn’t want people to know. I still don’t want them to know – not in the sense of SEEING it. I wear a plaster on my arm all the time now if I’m out. And nobody would know if I’ve recently harmed or if I’m just covering old scars. I don’t want people to know. It’s private.
  • Learn my triggers and avoid them at all costs. If I feel you know what would upset me, and you do it anyway, then I will assume you are deliberately trying to hurt me.
  • Do not show me up in front of other people. If you have an issue with me, then talk to me privately. Do not argue with me and attack me on social media. Do not message me in a group about an issue. Do not humiliate me in a room full of people. Do not shout out about my mistakes at work, in front of customers. Just. Don’t. I will do one of two things – lash out at you, putting you in your place, or I’ll smile sweetly, screwed up inside, trying not to cry, and as soon as I’m alone I will slash myself to pieces whilst blaming you for the pain you’ve caused me. I’ve been humiliated enough in my life, that it is a big trigger for me now. If I’ve done something wrong, then have a quiet word, away from other people.
  • I need reassurance. I need to know I’m loved. I need to know people care. I need to know you’re not going anywhere – not just because you pity me or I’ve dragged it out of you – but because you honestly can’t imagine your life without me. I need commitment. I need stability and consistency. But DON’T consistently let me down. I’ve had this happen and now I don’t trust those people anymore to not let me down. I need effort. I already feel I don’t deserve any of these things, so if I don’t GET any of these things then that will confirm my beliefs, I’ll hate myself, and I’ll resent everyone for proving me right about myself and about them.
  • Just because I haven’t attempted suicide, it does not mean the thought doesn’t cross my mind every day. I am torn apart inside by the desire to make the pain stop, end the burden I am on my friends… and to keep fighting for my family, as they brought me into this world… I have no right to waste their love and care, or to hurt them. I’m in a body that wants two different things. It’s hard.
  • Just because you don’t see me crying, harming myself or talking of depression, and you see me smile, it does not mean I’m strong. You might see this as what it is – a front I put on to the outside world… that is not being strong. That is conforming to social expectations. It does not mean I am a strong person. Yes, in some ways I AM strong, to have survived all I have, and to still be alive now. But I am not strong in the sense that I don’t need anyone. I can come off as quite tough, independent and aloof… this is to protect myself from people hurting me. People have actually sided with those who have hurt me, because they see me as a stronger, tougher person, able to deal with life – it’s the furthest from the truth. I’m a weak little girl inside, and I just want a hug every now and then – is that too much to ask? I want people to defend me. I want people to see the vulnerability in me. I don’t even think my best friend understands the vulnerability in me. Because I don’t show it. I don’t know how to now. It seems you can’t win – you don’t show your emotions and vulnerable side and people treat you like nothing gets to you, and you don’t ’embrace your emotions’, so favour others over you… and if you show your emotions and feelings, people claim you’re too needy and clingy. So I lock everything up now. Even the one guy who I thought ‘got’ me… he didn’t see my vulnerability, the years of wasted time and mistreatment, the emotional side of me and the strong friendship I had to offer…. he saw it in someone else…. someone else with BPD, for fuck’s sake. And just because she’s shorter than me, guys will instantly be more protective of her. And just because she probably cried in front of him, she’s ‘in touch with her emotions’ whereas I’m not. Well sorry, but after being made to feel like a pathetic weepy mess, by other people when I’ve shown my emotions before, it kind of fucked me up, thank you very much. I bloody well have emotions, but you have to be pretty special to witness them. It’s your own fault if you don’t. But don’t go implying I have no vulnerability… that I’m ‘strong’ or emotionless and don’t need anyone. I’ve just learnt by experience that people don’t accept vulnerability…. except when they use it as an excuse not to be with you, but to be with your best friend instead!!! Sorry, personal rant over….
  • I have small touches of OCD. So don’t give me something to eat and put it straight down on a dirty surface. Don’t ask to share my food out of a packet. Don’t interrupt me eating certain foods, as I have to eat them in threes and have to keep count. Don’t touch my knife and fork near the bit where I eat from. Don’t drink from my drink. Don’t question why I have to wash my hands before eating – duh… germs.
  • I pick at and pull out my hair when I’m anxious, worrying or upset. Yes, it leaves me with short bits of hair, or small bald / thinning patches. Please don’t comment on it. I hate it, but it’s compulsive. You wouldn’t understand.
  • I will ask once, maybe twice to meet up. If I get no response, or get rejected those times, I probably won’t ask again. It will then be up to you to invite me. And if you invite me and let me down last minute, then I will keep my distance. I’m wary of people. I don’t trust any of you anymore. This does not mean you should stop trying with me. It means I want you to MAKE me trust you. Be someone trustworthy. I don’t know anyone who is. And I don’t mean offence by that – this is what betrayal and years of hurt has done to me.
  • Meeting new people scares me. I worry what they’ll make of me.
  • I loathe myself. I hate how I look so intensely, so please don’t take photos of me. Someone suggested I have Body Dysmorphia but I don’t think so… I think I’m actually just fat and disgusting. I’m not seeing myself as worse than I am, I really am that bad. In fact I can look better in a mirror than I can in a photo. I take selfies to try and get better photos of me…. they generally cut out most of my body. I’m sorry I can’t be body-confident… but I always used to be thin. I feel I’m in someone else’s body now. If I didn’t now enjoy food as much I’d stop eating, as I want to lose weight. I never really used to eat much food, and I’d eat upstairs so I could dispose of food without eating it. But I’ve learnt to have a better relationship with food now, and health reasons, medications and perhaps age, have started to have an effect… so I’m stuck. Do I go back to my borderline-anorexic days or do I have to learn to love myself as I am, regardless of a world that tells you that you don’t deserve love if you’re overweight? It’s tricky.
  • I blog to cope. I blog to feel connected… to SOMEBODY out there. I blog to be heard. I blog to figure out my thoughts and feelings. I blog to help others. I blog to let out the scream inside me. If my blogs hurt you, then I’m sorry. It’s my personal space to be heard and feel connected, as I don’t feel connected in real life. If I could speak to you I would, but I can’t okay? That’s the problem.

  • I’m more than my mental illness. I may not feel like it right now, but I am. I had a lot to give before I got ill. If you asked my closest family right now, they’d tell you my better qualities, as I have a lot of love to give them at the moment. I’m sorry others can’t see it, but I don’t have as much to give at the moment. And I’m not feeling good about myself. I’ve lost what good qualities I thought I had, and I’m not even sure what they were now.
  • I’m in competition with nobody. My grief is my grief. My struggles are my struggles. My pain is my pain. I don’t care that you are also grieving, struggling or in pain. Let me reword that – I DO care that you are grieving, struggling and in pain, and my God if I had it in me to take your pain away I would. I care about you. But if I’m expressing my own difficulties and you keep saying ‘me too’ it is not having the effect you’d think. I know you think you’re making me feel more understood and all that, but you are actually dismissing my feelings. You are invalidating me. Yes we all have struggles. Yes others will always have it worse. Yes we can probably play ‘snap’ with how we feel, the hurdles we’re facing, the steps we’re taking etc… but I don’t want to play ‘snap’. I want for that one moment, you to just say ‘I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way’… ‘I’m here for you’…. ‘I hope you’re okay’….. ‘You’re in my thoughts’….. ‘You don’t deserve this’…… ‘Well done for what you’re doing’. If I feel you are trying to ‘compete’ with me in my darkest times, then fuck you. I will sit at my computer and think ‘What the hell is your point??’ I will not see you as a friend. My story is my story, stop trying to better it. Stop trying to hijack it with your own story. Stop trying to steal my thunder. I am trying to express my feelings, my hurt, my achievements, as small as they are – don’t make me close up again.

  • If I tell you I have emetophobia, and can’t even bare talking about ‘the thing’, then don’t proceed to talk about it to me, and why you don’t like it either – this isn’t just not liking it, it is fearing it and choosing death over it. So don’t you dare put me through it.
  • I’m a person, not a stereotype. I may have a mental illness, but there are so many varieties within that mental illness. We’re not all violent, we’re not all loud or drama queens, we’re not all promiscuous. I have good morals, and an inquisitive mind. I have a lot of knowledge about mental health, as well as other things. I’d say I’m quite down-to-earth. I just struggle to cope with my emotions healthily, and I’m very depressed at the moment. But I’m the same person I’ve always been, just with different challenges in front of me. Please don’t see me as my illness, no matter if I talk about it, it’s not the total of who I am. I’m me.

  • Sometimes I’m overwhelmed and can’t cope with life. I’m sorry I’m not there for you like I used to be, but I can’t deal with things anymore. I feel guilty about it, don’t worry. But I just don’t have it in me to give to others right now.
  • I know I seem selfish sometimes, but I’ve spent my life giving a toss about everyone else, and had nobody give a toss about me, whilst at the same time accusing me of being selfish. So I’m kind of in a ‘fuck everybody’ state of mind nowadays, and think if nobody gives a toss about me, I’ll give a toss about myself, and I’ll stop giving such a toss about others. If you notice a difference in my behaviour towards you, it’s likely I feel taken for granted, and I’ve done so much for you, and I’m not feeling the same back. I don’t do and give, to get something back, but after a while you do start to think, ‘Why am I bothering?’… When there’s such an imbalance of effort in a friendship / relationship, you do get tired and start to treat others as they treat you. That’s where I’m at now.
  • You wouldn’t survive a week in my mind. It might not look it, but there’s constant hurricanes going on in there. If I could externalise it visually for you I would, but it’s not possible. So just take my word for it – life is difficult and exhausting for me. So please don’t make it harder than it already is. I’m doing my best.