As it’s National Poetry Day today, I thought I’d share a few of my poems I’ve written over the years. Writing has always helped me to deal with my feelings and express myself. It’s a way of releasing pain, and having something constructive at the end of it. These ones I am sharing may be depressing, and I advise caution in reading them. I’ve written hundreds of poems on different themes, but chose these as I feel they relate to what this blog is about, and hopefully they’ll speak to some who read them. I really recommend taking up writing to deal with emotions. It’s an art I’ve lost recently, as my creativity is blocked, and I wish I felt able to do it right now, as I know it would help me. All the best, and hope you like them xxxx
A Lifetime Of Emotions
As I sit by the waves and block out all else,
I listen carefully…
I watch closely……
I think deeply…
This unpredictable, disorganised ocean,
A symbol perhaps, of human emotion.
One wave, anger, crashes to land.
The next, fear, fizzles in reluctantly.
A dark looming, slow-building wave of sadness
Rolls in, leaving in its wake, a silence.
And of course the wave of happiness –
The one so eager it double rolls,
Splashing over the bank.
Surprising, and soaking all those in reach.
I look at the sea, and this is what I see…
A lifetime of emotions, building up far offshore.
Deep beneath the surface lie our experiences, hurdles,
Milestone moments, hidden from us until it’s their time.
An ocean of secrets, of possibilities…
Each one sets in motion a different emotion
And sends it on its way.
The shore, the soul, is battered or cleansed,
Whichever is called for,
But each wave moulds us into who we should be,
If we allow it…
Just as waves come they’ll always return
Back to the ocean of lessons to learn.
No feeling is forever, if we learn to let it go,
Accepting there are some things we’ll never come to know.
The things we hold onto – anger, bitterness,
Are the rock-pools of life…
With the feeling, no matter how hard we try
We’re not strong enough to fight it.
We get caught in still waters, stagnate,
Ruminating on justice, revenge, and loss…
Which gets us nowhere, because
Some things aren’t meant to be,
Not all things go right –
We have to give up the fight;
Trust that a new wave, be it joy, terror, rage or sorrow,
Will soon strike again, maybe even tomorrow.
An enormous wave will sweep over, and steal us away,
Dragging us back out to sea – to new experiences,
As I sit here, by the waves, I feel the spray on my face…
They’re the tears,
As I realise the years
That I’ve lost in this rock-pool.
Sunshine and calm fill the world outside
As rain pours down the windows of my soul
Inside this room I feel broken in two…
Whilst those on the outside mostly feel whole
The rain seeps in, and washes away
Everything hoped for, built, and believed
The colours of daydreams bleeding together
It’s time for the loss to be noted and grieved
Out in the world, enjoying the sunshine
People are laughing, in ignorant bliss
None of them knowing the tears on my window
I’ve never felt nearly as lonely as this
Out of my window I can see the sunlight
The people out playing, and messing around
The smiles on their faces, their hunger for life
But inside these walls, no smile can be found
The darkness in here fills me with terror
Knowing I have to face it alone
See, nobody out there understands me
The demons I battle each day, on my own
Life isn’t easy, these dirty old windows
They’ve witnessed too much sadness and loss
So rightly it rains, and nobody knows
And those who do know, don’t give a toss
The life of a poet is torture and windows
Seeing, not having; hopeless old dreams
Smiling on the outside, dying within
And only the page is deafened by screams
On this sad night, whilst broken, alone,
My dear trusty page, you hear me again
The sunshine, I know, won’t return to this room
But I’m thankful you hear me, and mop up the rain
As I walk through the rain
I think of all my pain,
I wonder how I can go on…
Now things will never be the same.
Raindrops cleanse my broken soul,
Mimicking tears, as down my cheek they roll.
Just as in life I think ‘it can’t rain any harder’…
But just the mere thought tempts fate –
The rain pours harder, at a punishing rate.
Soaked to the skin, I journey within,
Wondering why this would happen to me.
The reason eludes me…
Torrential rain makes it impossible to see.
Everything that mattered
Washed away from me – why?
In the deluge of rain
A silent teardrop falls from my eye.
How could this happen?
Why was I chosen?
Left alone in the rain with my self-esteem frozen.
A test of God
For what I can withstand;
No-one beside me to lend me their hand.
I walk alone through a cold, heartless land,
Wondering about my destination,
Hoping perhaps that if I am patient
Maybe this rain might stop.
A break in the weather,
Things might get better,
And the sun will shine through tomorrow.
Drying up raindrops of sorrow
Leaving me a clear blue sky,
Or peace with not knowing ‘why?’
If I hold on, just a bit longer
Maybe in time I may feel a bit stronger,
And one day further down the line
I’ll once more find my sunshine.
Save Me From Myself
Do you hear a heartbeat? Can you feel a pulse?
Is my smile genuine? Tell me, is it false?
Can you tell I’m dying, through my great disguise?…
Can you see the suffering found within my eyes?
Do you see the darkness, the blackness of my mind?
If you searched for signs of life, tell me what you’d find…
Do you know the thoughts that haunt me every day?
If you knew of my despair, tell me what you’d say…
If you understood my pain, the illness and my tears,
Would you stand beside me? Or confirm my fears?
If you knew the things I did so that I could cope,
Would you save me from myself, or help me set the rope?
Would you spur me on to die, or encourage me to live?
Would you light my candle when I’ve nothing more to give?
If you saw my darker side, would you walk away?
Would you stop and hear me out? Tell me, would you stay?
If you saw the scars I bear, the pain that I’ve been through,
Do you think you’d be surprised, or would you say you knew?
If you saw the tears come out, would you run a mile?
Or maybe be a friend to me and give me cause to smile?
If you saw the love I hold, that’s sadly unreturned,
And held a ball of memories and lessons I have learned –
Would you laugh, or fall apart? Would the sorrow fill you?
Would you see such deep regrets as ones that could well kill you?
Would you understand my life, the struggles that I face?
Or maybe you won’t care at all – gone without a trace.
Would you take the time to care and show me that I matter?
Or be there when it’s much too late, and watch the ashes scatter?
Can you save me from myself, or will you just ignore?
Talk to me whilst I’m still here, before I am no more.
A lonely shell,
Cracked round the edges,
Filled with hopeless screams…
And wails of grief, defeat,
With pain of ten thousand broken legs,
Five thousand fractured skulls,
And two million paper-cuts.
An emptiness, bleakness,
A hollow sensation.
A heart losing its purpose as it struggles to pulse.
Stifled breaths, a weight on the chest,
A sore open wound, being prodded and pressed.
The sting of tears coating the inner walls –
Day and night,
Night and day,
The heartache kills, it’s there to stay.
Walls closing in,
Yet the darkness expands ever outwards.
Hard to see through the grimness of despair…
Searching for a hope that’s not there,
Pure lack of care.
Alone, shivering in the ice-cold abandonment,
Paralysed from the heart down.
The mind races to the past, the future,
And back again…
To the pain of the present,
The tortured mind knows no rest…
It lingers on through the heart’s last beat,
A ghost is born of love unrequited.
When words are not enough, emotions get too tough, when life becomes too rough
Tears fall from my eyes.
My eyes express the pain, of giving love in vain, and just like drops of rain…
Tears roll down my cheek.
My cheeks have felt the sting, of sorrows life can bring, the memories all cling
As tears drop to my pillow.
My pillow knows my dreams, heard my secrets and my screams, and in endless streams
The tears they cleanse my soul.
My soul is sometimes weary, of always being teary, my vision becomes bleary
As tears fall from my eyes.
My eyes full to the brim, as hope begins to dim, I’m drowning I can’t swim
Then tears roll down my cheek.
My cheeks still bear the track, of feelings sore and black, teardrops can’t hold back
The tears drop to my pillow.
My pillow takes the blow, of thoughts you’ll never know, the never-ending flow
Of tears that cleanse my soul.
My soul is growing weak, my future looking bleak, and since I cannot speak
Tears fall from my eyes.
The End Of The World
With adrenaline pumping, I dodge fireballs
Raining down from the sky,
Signalling the end of the world.…
The Earth quakes, and shakes;
All around me breaks.
The ground splits open as I grab, at anything,
Desperately clinging on for dear life,
Praying I won’t go down.
Long-standing mountains crumble –
After all their years of being, of rising,
All collapse, with rockfalls burying everything beneath.
The world is flattened, and cracked.
Any thought of a future looks black.
Lava spewing from newly-formed volcanoes…
Seething hot ash falls and covers the world,
Blocking out life, all hope.
A ghost town is what I see;
Nothing could survive……
It quietens… this could be over.
Perhaps I am saved.
Then a rumble and roar
Like I’ve never heard before.
Fire, rotating, swirling, within a tornado.
It swiftly approaches.
I try to outrun it, yet it arrives too soon.
The force of the storm knocks me to the floor,
Flattening me; immobilising…
Then the realisation of fire hits –
Burning, scorching, charring my skin.
The pain is intolerable, and yet, somehow… I live.
I hear the rush of water, heading straight for me.
A towering wave coming full force.
The fear inside, near enough kills me –
I’d be frozen to the spot, were I not
Already incapacitated with burning pain.
Before I know it, the wave is upon me, crashing,
Devastatingly trashing all in its path.
I feel every part of me crushing beneath the force.
As I gasp for air, for relief, I’m pulled underneath…
It’s the end of the world… and I drown.
… All is black…. gone ….. silent….. the end.
…… And then I awaken the next day, and do it all again.
Welcome to my life.
Fight Or Flight
At first I was numb, and felt emotionally cold
Then paralysed by anger, adrenaline took hold
‘Fight or flight’ was triggered, and strange enough for me…
I lost the spirit to stand and fight, I opted then to flee
The anger forced my legs to walk, my head refused to turn
It seemed the art of ‘giving up’ was suddenly mine to learn
Lost in thought, alone I sat, empty for a while
Then something happened I did not want, as it’s simply not my style
A burning from behind my eyes, a lonely tear did sting
I tried my best to block it out, but no longer would it cling
The lonely tear ran down my cheek as I looked up at that height
I made the choice right there and then – I’d given up the fight
I made my way up to the steps, and wiped away the tear
No sooner had I dried it up, before many more appeared
It happened when I was halfway up, reality set in
My thoughts had spiralled down the drain; my demons were to win
So many people on that bridge, who passed, yet never knew
The turmoil running through my mind – what I’d intend to do
My sheltered face avoided them, in case they’d see and stop
I had to feel I had the choice once I made it to the top
I lingered there, imagining the fall I’d have to take
The loved ones in my life were factored in the choice I’d make
On that night I chose to live, I made my way back home
But on that bus the tears poured down, I was never more alone
I never cry so publicly, I hid my face in shame
Flashbacks to events that night, and just how close I came
The hopelessness fell from my eyes, my heart welcomed its fate
I found it hard to breathe quite right, under the crushing weight
I stifled sobs in hope that no-one else would judge and stare
Yet lost in feelings far too raw, in a sense no-one was there
I put my face on, you know the one, the one that’s brave and strong
Walked from the bus to the cafe, pretending nothing was wrong
The girl on the till wrongly asked ‘have you had a nice day?’
I lied of course, for no-one cares if I’m actually okay
I sat alone and drank my drink, or stared in it at least
Then sorrow swamped into my heart, my face began to crease
I draped my hair across my eyes in hope that it would shield
The tears of broken-heartedness – the type that can’t be healed
Never so much in my life have I ever publicly cried
But when so much pain is dealt to you, it can’t all stay inside
That night I had my limit reached, the tears they overflowed
I did my best with what I had – I hit survival mode
Did I feel embarrassed? Yes, but everyone knows tears
Everyone has a breaking point, we all have pain and fears
I know I can’t forget that night, a turning point in life
The closest I had ever come to ending all my strife
I’m glad I chose the tougher road, for no-one is worth my death
I’ll fight for better days ahead, as long as I have breath