World-weary.

 

 

*Depressing post, mentions suicidal thoughts*

 

 

I will be totally honest… I don’t feel safe. I am world-weary. I have had enough of life. It has become too much to bear. Too real. Too painful. Too bleak. There’s no purpose to my existence. No joy. No excitement. Even the things I ‘look forward to’ are flatter than they used to be.

Life changed when my granddad died. Nothing has felt the same. It’s all felt pointless. Mundane. It feels like now I’m just living, waiting for the next person I love to die. I find no real enjoyment in life.

I see people all around me, smiling and laughing, holding hands, kissing, travelling, socialising, getting married, having children, living life…. and then there’s me. Stuck. Paralysed by depression, grief and heartbreak. Everything is dull. I seriously haven’t ever seen so much darkness. I can’t see a future for me. I feel I’m going to be alone forever. I feel like a failure. I don’t want to do anything anymore. I don’t want to work. I don’t want to socialise. I don’t want to exist right now. I’m tired of the same old same old, every single day – wake up, resist getting up, eat food, do nothing/work, think about everything, watch TV, eat food, overthink, cry, sleep, repeat. Okay, it’s not quite like that, but you get the idea. There is nothing bringing me joy in my life. I don’t have a partner, a companion in life. I don’t have children. I don’t have a social life.

Right now I’m not even sure I want those things. But without them I don’t want to live anymore. I wish that the therapist I was transferring on could’ve said to me “You will find someone, you won’t be alone forever”... or something to try and fix me. Now having a broken heart about him, feeling I will never find anyone like him, it depresses me. I think ‘what’s the point?’… If I’m always going to feel this hollow and alone, what is the point in life? Even my hobbies I don’t enjoy at the moment. The only thing I can bring myself to do is writing. And that’s just to purge the negative thoughts and feelings so I don’t act on them. But I feel really close to acting on them.

I can’t explain this feeling. I’m holding on for the sake of my family right now. That’s all. If I didn’t have that emotional tie I would go. There’s nothing for me to hold on to anymore. I feel I’ve lost everything. I know I haven’t, but right now it feels like I have. I don’t feel my life will get any better. I don’t feel I will ever meet someone I can call my own. I feel like I’m always going to be depressed and in pain. I’m never going to receive the help I need to pull myself out of this hole and recover. I was given all the ‘help’ I could be given and it wasn’t enough, it made me worse. I am alone with this now. And it hurts too much. I want it all to stop.

Everything feels out of control. I feel powerless. I feel I’m just going through the motions, doing what is expected of me. This is the first point in my life I’m blindingly aware of my depression and really struggling with it… because in the past when I felt like this I had support. I had professional help. Now I have nothing. I had a crappy IAPT service who made me go backwards in my recovery, and told me to phone the Samaritans. Where is the actual support, for people who don’t want to do life anymore? How could they leave me and let me get to the point I don’t want to live anymore?

I don’t know how to pull myself out of this darkness. I can’t do it. I’m not even sure I want to do it anymore. I’m tired of fighting and surviving. I want a reason to enjoy life again. I want to be saved. I want to mean something to someone out there – not because they’re related to me, but because they couldn’t imagine their life without me in it. I want hope. I want to not hate myself. I want kindness, compassion, understanding, commitment and sustained effort. I want the sunshine. I want a reason to smile. I want a reason to stay alive. But right now…. I can’t see any of that happening.

Life is so different now. The world is changing. I’m losing people I don’t want to live without. My mental health is only getting worse. I don’t know how much longer I can deal with feeling this way.

The Good In The Worst Year.

2017 (1)

 

2017 has been the worst year of my life. If you’ve read my blog you’ll know some of the challenges I’ve faced, the heartaches, the trauma. It’s been a massive struggle to get through it all, and at times I’m surprised I’m still here. What with the loss of a loved one, family health scares, big family fallout, friendship issues, therapy / transference issues and abandonment, my own worsening mental health which landed me at the MIU a couple of times in the last few weeks or so.

It’s been a battle… one I haven’t won yet. In fact I’m close to surrendering, waving the white flag and giving up on life. But so far I’m still fighting. And I thought I’d list the positives from the year… either things I enjoyed, achieved or got through. I suggest you come up with a list like this too, to show that even in the darkest nights there’s a little light to be seen.
I’m sure there’s more, but here’s what I came up with:

Good Things About 2017

  • I’ve spoken out about mental health more, which helps me and hopefully others too.
  • Did a 5k raising over £300 for Parkinson’s UK in memory of my granddad.
  • Gave up Chocolate for Lent / March “Dechox” raised £80 for the British Heart Foundation.
  • Ben Montague studio gig – Ben is a great musician and lovely guy, you should check him out…. was a great gig – and met two of my Facebook friends finally!
  • Seeing The Band musical. A really great show!
  • Looking after my brother’s place while he was away – gave me a much needed break – and got to catch up with a friend who lived nearby.
  • Built more confidence serving customers at work. Long way to go, but progress!
  • Went to Charmouth for the day.
  • Went to the doctor about several issues I had put off for months / years. And had tests done. Very daunting, but got through it.
  • Reached out for help from mental health services (even if it didn’t go well, reaching out was a big step).
  • Phoned Samaritans for the first time, when in despair. A big deal for me with a fear of using the phone.
  • Managed to sell a ticket I didn’t want anymore – figured it out by myself.
  • Cancelled a booking and got a refund on the phone – nerve-wracking!
  • Couple of gigs.
  • Went to fireworks with my Goddaughter for her first fireworks display.
  • Successfully babysat both of the kids at the same time, for the first time!
  • Harry Potter Studio Tour!!
  • Went to the zoo with my Godson.
  • Came off Cabergoline (so far so good!)
  • Finally got over someone who was no good for me.
  • Created a crisis box.
  • Made new friends from therapy.
  • Persevered with my therapy group, determined to see it through to the end. Despite major issues and times I wanted to quit, I didn’t.
  • Got back into writing poetry.
  • Tweeting about BPD connected me to many people on Twitter, who I’ve had interesting conversations with, and hope to continue next year.
  • Had over a thousand views on my blog – over 800 viewers this year. Reaching UK, USA, Germany, India, Australia, Canada, South Africa, Ireland, Russia, Ukraine, Brazil, Austria, Bermuda, Vietnam, Israel, Hong Kong SAR China, Bangladesh, Singapore, Serbia, Paraguay, Turkey, Argentina, United Arab Emirates, Indonesia, Malaysia, Philippines, Denmark, Belgium, Trinidad & Tobago, Japan, New Zealand, Sweden, Romania, Nepal, Slovakia, Switzerland, Pakistan, Iraq, Georgia, Mozambique, South Korea, Hungary, Cambodia, Iceland, and any other who may have appeared since writing this……. Hello to all of you from all around the world – thank you for taking the time to read my posts. I really am a blog nerd, and love seeing where you’re all from!
  • And last but by no means least…. the most important achievement this year….

I survived!

How Do I Move On?

Let Go

 

I’m wondering if any of you have trouble letting go of people? If you feel love or attachment to someone, but cannot keep them in your life, how do you let them go?

I’ve been thinking about this for a while, and I don’t think I’ve ever really learnt how to healthily do it. My experience has been – losing someone from my life / cutting them out of my life… hating them…. pretending they’re dead and don’t exist to me anymore. It’s the only way I know to free myself of past attachments. I have to hate the person, and pretend they’re no longer here.

I could do this quite easily with past friends who hurt me, as I’m angry with them and they didn’t deserve me as a friend. It was easy for me to hate them. Okay, some of that hate came from hurt and disappointment that they could cause me such pain. But hate empowered me to block them out of existence and ‘move on’.

The last man I had strong feelings for, it took me a long, long time to get over… but hatred allowed me to do this. It was easy to hate him. There were many reasons he deserved my anger. He did NOT treat me well. He hurt me more times than anyone else ever has. All I had to do was think about the way he made me feel, how easily he vanished on me, how low he dragged my self-esteem, and I could find hate in my heart for him. This hate and disgust has allowed me to move on from him. I can see a picture of him now and feel absolutely nothing... except disgust at his behaviour. I haven’t recovered from how he made me feel about myself and ideas he gave me about men, sex and love. Those scars and beliefs will be hard to lose, but at least I don’t cry at the thought of him anymore. I don’t feel the need to chase after crumbs from him. I’m quite happy to be on my own until I find someone worth my time and my love.

The trouble I’m having is I feel attached to a man who I have no reason to hate. If you follow my blog you’ll know I’m talking about my transference issue with a therapist. So it’s like going through a break-up with someone you never had, so don’t have any memories to hold on to… no option of saying ‘Well we had our chance‘ – we didn’t and never will! But it’s also like he’s died. The feelings I’m having are similar to those of grief… only he’s not dead…. he’s very much alive and happily living his life, forgetting I even exist. Yet I’m stuck here, feeling like I’m in love with him, and wishing I could forget I ever met him.

How do I move on from someone I never had? How do I move on from someone who didn’t really hurt me, and I have no reason to hate?

Hatred is the only way I know to get over someone. I know no other way. He doesn’t deserve my hatred though. He’s a lovely man. I don’t want to pretend he’s dead to me. But how else do I ever forget him?

Do I need to create reasons to hate him? Do I need to take things that were said, or not said to me… ways he let me down… focus on these things and feel angry towards him? Is hating him my only option? How do you let go of someone, with love? I’ve never had to let go of someone living, who I only feel loving feelings for, and no anger. How do people do it?

I want to be free of the pain that comes from thinking of him. I don’t want to burst into tears whenever I remember I’ll never see him again. I don’t want the sick feeling anytime I hear his name – which seems to have increased since losing him – everyone seems to share his name! I want the suicidal feelings to go away and to be able to think of a future, even if it will never involve him again. I want to be able to hold on to happy memories and the things I like about him, without it hurting to not have him, and without it making me feel inferior.

Obviously what I want most is to not have lost him from my life forever. But as that’s exactly what’s happened, the second best thing would be to not be paralysed by this loss….. to remember him with affection…. hold on to what I liked about him…. and to know how to release the hurt of loss and unrequited love.

I wanted their help with how to let go… but I never received it. Now I’m left to clean up this mess alone. Nobody will ever know how hard this is for me. I miss him and I’m in a lot of pain, that nobody really knows about now. I have no support and have to figure it all out myself. But I’ve never been able to peacefully let go of people I care about, unless they’ve given me a reason to hate them. So now I’m stuck for how to move forward. I wish there was an answer, but I fear there’s not…. not for someone like me.

Have you managed to let go of someone you loved, without resorting to hating them and pretending they’re dead? How did you do this? And how long did it take to be able to look back without pain? Let me know your experiences.

All the best.

xxxx

Flip Of A Switch.

Inferior.jpg

 

I’ve experienced snowballing thoughts before, but nothing like the other night. I had posted a link to someone’s blog, where they discussed ‘quiet borderlines’, which is apparently a relatively new concept. This interested me, as when I first had it revealed to me I might have BPD I thought there’s no way…. I had encountered someone who had it – who was the one who alerted me to the fact the mental health team considered me to have it too! Anyway, this girl was nothing like me. She was loud, demonstrative, openly emotional… I kept a lot of my feelings inside, not wanting others to see me upset or angry. I wasn’t confrontational. If someone upset me I didn’t let them know or fight back. I didn’t appear as though I had this ‘disorder’. I was quiet, rational-seeming, nobody would know I had these issues from my appearance, words or behaviour.

Now, upon reading this blog I found, I thought maybe there’s different sorts of BPD. I already know that we’re all individual, and some will have some traits that others don’t have. We also differ in being extroverts or introverts. Our morals differ too – I know my morals are very different to the person I’m referring to. Maybe I didn’t want to be lumped in with her, knowing how she behaved and how much she hurt me. Maybe it’s a personal thing for me.

Clearly I’m wrong. But I’m not a mental health professional. I never claim to know everything. I’m learning as I go. And my aim is to get myself through this illness as best I can, and help others to feel less alone. I stupidly posted this article, without thinking how it might make some people feel. Us BPD warriors are all in it together. We shouldn’t be split up into the ‘quiet’ ones and the ‘obvious / difficult’ ones. It was never my intention to make people feel that way by sharing it. I had it pointed out to me that most people with BPD match the description of ‘quiet borderline’… like I said, I don’t know these things. I’m not a professional, I don’t work with people with BPD… I don’t personally know many people with it. All I have is my own experience and any research I’ve done over the years, in order to help understand myself. If it is indeed the case that all people with BPD can be described as having quiet BPD, then it’s about time that is illustrated in the literature on BPD. The stereotypical description of those with BPD has to be challenged.

Anyway, point is, I posted that, and saw some comments about it, which made me feel I shouldn’t have posted it. This kicked in my self-hatred. I straight away thought I’d done the wrong thing, and I was a bad person for it, so I deleted it. I thought if it offended one person it would’ve offended everyone else too. I felt like a stupid person who knows nothing. I started calling myself thick and comparing myself to the superior intelligence of other people, including the person I’m transferring on right now….. and boy I shouldn’t have let my mind go there!

Suddenly I was sobbing into my pillow, reminded of having lost him forever. I started feeling inadequate – there must be something wrong with me if I’m still all alone at my age. Even though I’ve had friends support me lately, I had entered that state of mind where I believed nobody cared about me, and they all just tolerate me. The switch had been flipped. A friend had liked comments made about what I posted, and I had convinced myself they thought it was wrong for me to post it, and were ‘against me’. I thought I’m never going to speak out again. I’ll quit social media and my blog. Everything hit me all at once. Usually when I snowball it takes five to ten minutes to go through everything. This happened in a minute or two. Grief and loss. Betrayals from the past. Self-hatred. Flashbacks to therapy. Feeling isolated and alone. Desperation. It all just exploded in one big bomb of emotions.

I wrote a ‘live poem’ – writing in the moment, from my gut, hoping it would ease the emotional intensity. It didn’t. I couldn’t stop crying. I felt I was going to go entirely insane. I unfortunately had a slip up, which I’m really annoyed about, as I’d managed over three weeks without it and have to start again now… and having done it the once, the craving to continue it is back. This is going to be an uphill battle stopping harming again. Without any support too. It’s not fair. But at the time it was the only way to bring the emotions under control – there were too many, for too many reasons, and I honestly didn’t know what to do to stop it. It did the job, but in a way I wish it didn’t do that job, as that’s what keeps me hooked doing it. I know in the short-term it works. But now I feel ashamed, and I’m having to hide my arm again. And my mind is fixated on doing it more. Which then makes me reflect on the lack of support I have, my resentment about therapy, and the transference / loss, which further feeds the snowball effect.

I think I was in that state because it was the first day to myself since before Christmas. So I was finally alone with my thoughts, and let them all in. I was already in a bad mood, as I was trying to write but people kept talking and distracting me.

So it’s funny how little things can add up and have that effect, where one little thing and you’re gone. I’m just in a bad spot right now after therapy issues…. feeling really rotten about myself. I feel inferior to others. I’m not ‘good enough’. I just really don’t like myself anymore. And I can’t see why anybody else would.

I was going to write a piece about this ‘quiet borderline’ thing, but I’ve decided some things are best left alone… at least until I understand it more myself. So let’s just say, however your BPD presents itself, it sucks, and I think we can all agree on that.

I’m going to be writing and blogging a lot more in the coming days hopefully, as this is the worst time of year for me personally… the new year. Hate it. It highlights everything I don’t want to think about. I’d normally think ‘I’ll just get through it, and then it’ll be a new year, all’s forgotten’… but this year I’m feeling like it’ll be more of the same. And in fact the prospect of a fresh start is causing a problem for me – in that there are things / people I’m not ready to ‘let go of‘ yet… and those people aren’t going to feature in 2018 for me at all. That’s a highly depressing thought for me, and makes me not want to do next year.

So I just have to keep myself safe for as long as I can. And then I might start thinking about getting more help to fix what the IAPT service broke in me – shame it’ll probably cost me money to fix that. But if it’s necessary to keep on living and to find an equilibrium, or even happiness, then I’ll have to do it.

Poem: A Part Of Me.

A Part Of Me

 

I tried to slice you out of me, releasing you from my veins,

But no matter how many times I try, the ghost of you still remains.

I tried crying you out, draining your image from my eyes;

I’d tell you I’ve forgotten your face, but that would only be lies.

I’ve written pages of letters, poems, heartfelt words,

But so many thoughts and emotions still linger, unheard.

I’ve blasted music in my ears, to try and drown out your voice,

But in the silence I’m haunted by it, and have no choice.

I’ve tried breathing you out of my lungs, expelling the air,

But on the next inhalation I find you’re still there.

I tried sleeping you away, but you appear now in my dreams,

So the following day I’m filled with silent yet deafening screams.

Even if I awoke one morning, deaf, dumb and blind,

I’d still be tormented by you, for you’re tattooed on my mind;

You’re etched within my heart, until it ceases to beat,

For my heart is alive with memories – not just a scarred lump of meat.

You’re forever in my mind, my heart and even my gut –

Nothing can change this, no amount of words or cuts.

It’s hopeless, I’m powerless, I feel my hands are tied,

My body, my heart, my mind won’t escape you, until the day I’ve died.

Poem: Drowning.

Drowning

 

Inadequacy bouncing around in my skull…

Unintelligent babble of a loon who knows nothing.

Attempts at help always slap me in the face.

The snowball begins –

The isolation, the grief, the despair

All whirling round and down, and down, deeper and deeper,

Dragging me down by the ankles.

I can’t breathe,

I can’t see.

Tears and thoughts of the letting of my own blood, flood my eyes,

A hollowness in the centre of my chest,

A sickness in my stomach.

I try and ride this wave of emotions…

But this is no mere wave,

This is a devastating tsunami,

A vicious whirlpool,

A violent riptide,

All at once, pulling me in every direction;

I can’t find the ground… there is none…

I’m drowning, and my God I just want to let go

And submit to the waves,

Let them take me.

Only then might this pain end.

Only then may the world be free of me,

And my incessant rambling,

My pathetic neediness,

My intolerable being.

I disgust myself,

Pitiful human

Not deserving of love,

Happiness

Nor acceptance.

Revolting inside and out,

I belong in the ground –

Only there will peace be found.

So come on waves, take me now,

Pull me under and end this torment,

For us all.

Love & Loss: An Open Letter.

*Contains swearing, suicidal thoughts etc*

 

Dear Matthew,

All I wanted when I sought your advice, was to know how to let you go…. to know how to stop the pain. I just want it to stop. Why wouldn’t you help me…?

Nobody knows this burden I carry. Yes they now know about it, but it’s not spoken about anymore, and even if it was discussed, nobody can ever comprehend what I’m feeling. Can you understand it? What it’s like… to be wholly enamoured with someone… someone you know you can never have… to be heartbroken with this realisation…. but on top of that to never see or speak to them ever again…

I can’t do it Matt. I can’t do it. I thought I could. Look, I’ve already made it through three weeks without you. I survived Christmas. But it’s having to survive however many years I’m given to live. I know this makes no sense to you, to my friends and family, to anyone, but I cannot do this. I don’t understand why I feel how I do, but this is how I feel. And it’s unbearable.

I wish I never met you… just so I didn’t have to lose you. I don’t know how to recover from this loss. I don’t know how to stop ‘loving’ you. I don’t know how to stop wanting you, missing you and hurting for you.

I dreamt of you last night. It was a nice dream. But I awoke having thoughts of ending my life. I can’t see any other way to stop this bomb of emotions ticking away inside me. I need to scream into a valley and let the pain echo over the land. I need to cry and collapse in a puddle of tears. I need to be held and protected from myself.

I haven’t harmed since that night I lost you. But the scary thing is, I feel I’m beyond that now. Harming myself won’t stop the pain. The only thing that will stop this grief is to see you again. And that will never happen. So do you see the predicament I’m in? There is no other way out of this mess… this torture. And that’s why my mind turns to that dark place.

I’ve started having visions again, of me standing on the bridge. I call your number, just to hear your voice one more time, on the answerphone. But you answer instead. I tell you goodbye. And after that, I don’t know what happens. I don’t know if I jump or if I’m saved. But if I’m saved I want the pain to stop. I want to forget you.

Knowing you has scarred me forever. Not only physically but emotionally. You are my living ghost, haunting me day and night now… I can’t even escape you in my dreams. I just want to forget you. How do I forget you?

Why didn’t you help me? Why did you have to be so cold and distant? Forget the job, haven’t you a heart? I saw it in the penultimate week… when you spoke to me and seemed to understand more – why couldn’t you have shown me that compassion earlier? And why couldn’t you have allowed me closure? Don’t I deserve just one fucking ounce of closure, just once in my life?! You’ve added to the pile of crap I already had to live with. You’ve taught me all people, particularly men, are the same. And I am not worth a conversation. I know, I know… I’m too demanding. I don’t have rights to ask for these things in this situation… you have to do things ‘by the book’. Screw the book – I’m a human being, you’re a human being, couldn’t you just burn the book for a moment and treat me like a person in need of a little human understanding and warmth? I guess that really is too much to ask, of anyone… But do you see how being made to feel that way is adding to my shit sense of self-worth? This is what I mean about being failed by you lot…. I have come away worse off… thinking I’m a burden, a nuisance, an attention-seeker, demanding, needy, stupid, pathetic, immature, completely fucked up in the head and beyond help. I believe you and everyone else there are pleased I’m gone, and no longer an issue for you. I believe none of you gave a fig about me as a person. You all detested me.

And that fills me with such intense rage, I want to throw my computer out of the window, and punch the wall next to me, until I break my own hand, or there’s a hole in the wall – whichever comes first. I want to trash the whole room. I want to harm myself. It’s not your fault I was stuck with a shit therapist, who didn’t take any interest in my struggles, made me feel like an idiot for how I felt about you, and ditched me immediately after the course…. but the fact that happened makes me hate, not only her, but also you. Because you didn’t help me. You robbed me of that option, and made it so I would have to discuss the problem with my therapist at the end, and did she help me? NO. You dodged the issue yourself, made me think I would have support afterwards, and I didn’t. So it feels like you lied to me. You avoided helping me, you lied about the support I’d get. And now none of you have to care what the fuck happens to me. I could throw myself off a roof tomorrow and none of you would be any the wiser. And if you knew, you wouldn’t care!

Do you know how painful that fact is?! That you don’t even give half a shit about me, and I feel 100% emotionally invested in you! I know you can’t help how I feel about you. And my God I wish I didn’t feel it. If it was a physical part of me ‘loving’ you, I would cut it out this instant…. but this feeling for you permeates through every single cell in me. It exists in every bone, every muscle. It’s in my blood and the air I breathe. It’s in my heart and my mind – I can’t cut this out of me… no matter how many times I’ve tried. You’re a part of me now, and I can’t get rid of you. A part of me doesn’t want to be rid of you. I want you in my life, in some capacity. But then I just sound pathetic… for needing someone in my life so much, and feeling like I can’t live without them, and you probably don’t even remember my name by now. This fucking sucks.

I asked you weeks before I lost you, how to detach from you. You never gave me an answer. I wish you had. I needed to prepare for losing you. All you said was about remembering my values. How does that help me? What, remember the fact I’m a ‘good person’ and would never be ‘the other woman’ – this isn’t even the issue – it was never that kind of issue. It was never something I’d have to consult my values about. I know full well that I am a decent woman. I would never in a trillion years go after a married man. I knew this was hopeless and unrequited from the start, I made that clear. My values don’t even enter here. Remembering I’m a good woman doesn’t help me to not have feelings for you. It’s quite possible to have strong feelings for a married man and yet not act on them! I wanted to know how to let you go. And thinking ‘Well, he’s married’, wasn’t and isn’t enough to do that. This doesn’t change the fact that I know it’s one-sided and that you’re married and happy and about to have a child. I know that even in a perfect world where these things didn’t exist, you would never choose me. I know that. This isn’t about whether I can have you or not, and whether I’m a person who would cheat with someone or not….. this is about intense feelings of love, and immense grief and sadness that I’ve lost you, forever. It doesn’t make sense, but it doesn’t have to make sense. I feel these strong feelings for you whether I can have you or not…. whether you’re in my life or not…. this is how I feel. And I can’t just stop feeling this way. I wish more than anything I could. If I could fall asleep, wake up in the morning and have no memory of ever meeting you, my life would be that much better… I’m sorry to say. You’re a lovely guy, but to have known you and lost you, is worse than to have never known you existed. I wish you and other people could understand this concept.

Meeting you has further ruined my life. Because I’m sat here in pain, trying to cope with essentially the ‘death’ of a man who I never had, and who never knew how I felt about him – yet he’s still living life happily, and blissfully unaware of the mess I’ve been left in.

I’ve been left with a whopping great gaping wound on my heart, that nobody can help mend but you. And since you’re gone from my life forever, I have to hope I don’t bleed to death before I find a way to heal it alone.

xxxx