*Depressing post, mentions suicidal thoughts*
I will be totally honest… I don’t feel safe. I am world-weary. I have had enough of life. It has become too much to bear. Too real. Too painful. Too bleak. There’s no purpose to my existence. No joy. No excitement. Even the things I ‘look forward to’ are flatter than they used to be.
Life changed when my granddad died. Nothing has felt the same. It’s all felt pointless. Mundane. It feels like now I’m just living, waiting for the next person I love to die. I find no real enjoyment in life.
I see people all around me, smiling and laughing, holding hands, kissing, travelling, socialising, getting married, having children, living life…. and then there’s me. Stuck. Paralysed by depression, grief and heartbreak. Everything is dull. I seriously haven’t ever seen so much darkness. I can’t see a future for me. I feel I’m going to be alone forever. I feel like a failure. I don’t want to do anything anymore. I don’t want to work. I don’t want to socialise. I don’t want to exist right now. I’m tired of the same old same old, every single day – wake up, resist getting up, eat food, do nothing/work, think about everything, watch TV, eat food, overthink, cry, sleep, repeat. Okay, it’s not quite like that, but you get the idea. There is nothing bringing me joy in my life. I don’t have a partner, a companion in life. I don’t have children. I don’t have a social life.
Right now I’m not even sure I want those things. But without them I don’t want to live anymore. I wish that the therapist I was transferring on could’ve said to me “You will find someone, you won’t be alone forever”... or something to try and fix me. Now having a broken heart about him, feeling I will never find anyone like him, it depresses me. I think ‘what’s the point?’… If I’m always going to feel this hollow and alone, what is the point in life? Even my hobbies I don’t enjoy at the moment. The only thing I can bring myself to do is writing. And that’s just to purge the negative thoughts and feelings so I don’t act on them. But I feel really close to acting on them.
I can’t explain this feeling. I’m holding on for the sake of my family right now. That’s all. If I didn’t have that emotional tie I would go. There’s nothing for me to hold on to anymore. I feel I’ve lost everything. I know I haven’t, but right now it feels like I have. I don’t feel my life will get any better. I don’t feel I will ever meet someone I can call my own. I feel like I’m always going to be depressed and in pain. I’m never going to receive the help I need to pull myself out of this hole and recover. I was given all the ‘help’ I could be given and it wasn’t enough, it made me worse. I am alone with this now. And it hurts too much. I want it all to stop.
Everything feels out of control. I feel powerless. I feel I’m just going through the motions, doing what is expected of me. This is the first point in my life I’m blindingly aware of my depression and really struggling with it… because in the past when I felt like this I had support. I had professional help. Now I have nothing. I had a crappy IAPT service who made me go backwards in my recovery, and told me to phone the Samaritans. Where is the actual support, for people who don’t want to do life anymore? How could they leave me and let me get to the point I don’t want to live anymore?
I don’t know how to pull myself out of this darkness. I can’t do it. I’m not even sure I want to do it anymore. I’m tired of fighting and surviving. I want a reason to enjoy life again. I want to be saved. I want to mean something to someone out there – not because they’re related to me, but because they couldn’t imagine their life without me in it. I want hope. I want to not hate myself. I want kindness, compassion, understanding, commitment and sustained effort. I want the sunshine. I want a reason to smile. I want a reason to stay alive. But right now…. I can’t see any of that happening.
Life is so different now. The world is changing. I’m losing people I don’t want to live without. My mental health is only getting worse. I don’t know how much longer I can deal with feeling this way.