One Step Forward, Twenty Back.

I hate the unpredictability of my illness. One minute I’m excited because I got a ticket to see my favourite band next year, the next I’m punching a wall because I’m such a stupid person, who shouldn’t be allowed to talk to people.

 

It’s like once the anxiety and excitement of getting the ticket was over, I was suddenly hit with a full bag of negative emotions… I had anxiety and guilt over buying the ticket and panicking about having to go on my own… that then opened the door to the troubles I’ve had with my friend who would normally have gone with me…. I had someone raining on my parade, someone who keeps winding me up lately… I started having paranoid thoughts that people don’t like me again…. where I’m trying to keep in contact with people, I worry about saying the wrong thing – am I being too needy or demanding? Am I annoying them? I should just shut up…. then I got in the state of mind that I can’t say anything right and I became alert and sensitive to others’ words… or lack thereof. And I suddenly felt very isolated again.

 

I hate that it can switch just like that. Once it happens though it’s hard to break out of it again. I feel like shutting down. I cannot shake the feeling that people are just tolerating me…. they don’t like me… they don’t care… they want nothing to do with me. I view every interaction and every event through the lens of ‘I’m an awful person and they all hate me’. I interpret people’s words as them thinking I’m an idiot, being annoyed with me or that I’ve said something wrong… and I feel the need to ‘fix’ it and apologise, when I’m not even sure I have annoyed someone….  I view non-responses as me being too overbearing (it makes me dredge up other times I’ve felt this way, to back up that belief)…. and I just become this big rocking, foot-tapping mess, obsessing over what a horrible person I am – an embarrassment and a nuisance.

 

I’ve been trying to push myself forward through the paranoia… being sociable when I don’t feel up to it and whilst hating myself for existing, let alone speaking to people. It’s hard. And times like now I hit a wall (pun unintended) and think ‘See, this is why you shouldn’t open your mouth’.

 

I worry that sometimes my intentions aren’t clear and I come across the wrong way in what I say. That people misunderstand me. I also feel annoyed that people don’t LISTEN to me and to what I’ve said. And when they have to piss on my happiness, making me feel bad about it. Oh, and rejecting my friend requests when everyone else accepted. That upsets me too. It’s a combination of things today that have caused me to start splitting on everyone again. It’s a horrible feeling. I felt I was making progress but now it’s all back to how it was.

 

It’s not my friends’ fault… it’s my mind’s… my illness… I just hate that it does this to me. I feel alone enough as it is. I find it hard enough to speak out, with the voice inside me screaming ‘NOBODY GIVES A SHIT!!’ … but when my own mind does this it makes it more difficult.

 

I guess maybe I’m not so much splitting on others as I am splitting on myself. Going to hating myself and then going back over things today, and interpreting them as being in response to bad qualities in me… and then ‘hating’ others for what led to that. I don’t know… my head hurts too much now to know what’s going on. All I know is I don’t feel stable… or positive. I don’t feel emotionally comfortable. I feel anxious, tense and ashamed. My mind is like a very noisy, busy traffic junction of thoughts and emotions and it’s going to be hard to reconcile my paranoid thoughts with the truth, and not give them the power to isolate me again.

 

Getting the ticket today has given me a ‘reason to live’ until next June at least…. but it doesn’t change the fact that I feel I have every reason to die at the moment… for the reasons I said in the previous post. Yes there are little things to look forward to next year. But surviving this one will be the problem. In all honesty I’m not doing okay and I’m at a loss to know what to do about it. Today should have been a good day. Instead I’m going backwards. This illness seems to be a struggle – whereby you take one step forward and take twenty back… you end up going nowhere, except backwards. It’s frustrating. Demoralising. This feels like a battle I’ll never win.

 

 

 

Rejected By The World.

*A lot of bad language, sorry… and also self-harm / suicide*

 

I’m finding it hard to put things into words at the moment. There’s so much chaos in my head and I feel so hopeless, that I can’t really see the point in writing anymore. It’s impacting on my ability to finish anything I start. So this might be a bit of a ramble… it’s me trying to make sense of the noise in my head.

 

So last year I had my first loss. Grief has impacted on my mental health, which was already precarious. Therapy with an IAPT service last year worsened my mental illness. My self-harm increased. I struggled through an experience without proper support and due to my attachment issues with one of the facilitators of the group, I had to experience another loss… one that I’m still not really over. I’ve gone downhill from there. I’ve spent the majority of this year struggling to keep living. I’ve experienced intense paranoia and splitting on friends… thinking nobody cared, everyone hated me, they’d abandoned me and didn’t care if I died. I pushed myself through those feelings and have made progress in talking to some people. I still don’t fully trust that my thoughts are false. But I’m trying.

 

But from it all, the one person I’ve lost is my best friend. Even if it’s temporary and can be fixed, at this point in time I don’t have my best and only real friend. I’ve been abandoned at my worst time. She can’t cope with me when I’m this ill, or so it seems. Which is fair enough… I can’t cope with me, so can’t blame her. But it hurts. I’m really upset about it, but just like with my grief for my granddad, I don’t want to open up the wound and experience the full force of emotions. So I’ve adopted a ‘couldn’t care less’ attitude… as though ‘it is what it is…’, and I’ve just had to get on with it. I’m hurt and upset and a little angry, but I can’t seem to write it out. I feel swamped by emotions, and devoid of them at the same time. It’s like I’m overloaded and have shut down. Not to say I don’t have emotions – I’ve cried two days in a row now, after a long period of not crying. It’s like I have the emotions but don’t always know what they are or what to do with them. If I let myself feel everything I feel, it would probably kill me. So it’s better to deny some of the feelings.

 

Another thing is politics. I am so disheartened by the Brexit betrayal. We’ve fought bloody hard to get to this point and put up with so much shit from the opposition… so much bullying – to the extent that we have to keep our opinions to ourselves, or face being attacked, leading people like me to self-harm. We won the vote. It was meant to be implemented. This government, the EU and every Remoaner in the country are doing the best they can to fuck it all up, and to keep us tied to the EU, either by overturning the result with another referendum, or by opting for a ‘soft Brexit’ which is not Brexit at all – it’s remaining in every way but name.

 

I don’t care what side of the argument you’re on. If you democratically won a vote and were promised it would be implemented, and then had virtually everyone working against that … and succeeding – how the fuck would you feel??? What annoys me is that a lot of Remainers will be joyous about cocking up Brexit. They will celebrate overturning the result and getting their way, totally oblivious to what they’re celebrating – the overruling of the people… the destruction of democracy. It should worry everyone, whether they voted Leave or Remain. So I hope when Remainers ultimately ‘win’ they show a bit of restraint and resist taunting us, as what is happening right now is a kick in the teeth for democracy.

 

I hate that all my life I’ve felt irrelevant. I’ve felt neglected. I’ve felt invisible and like my voice doesn’t matter. And now with this Brexit stuff, it feels like my voice is being silenced again. I placed my vote, the same as everyone else – our side were the majority. Majority wins. The only people standing up for our side are now labelled as ‘rebels’ or ‘Brextremists’. They are doing their job and representing those who put them in power. The rest of the them are telling the Prime Minister to ignore the small amount of people in her party, who are a ‘small cabal of hard Brexiteers’… but most people who voted to leave are ‘hard’ Brexiteers. Leave or Remain. Those were the two options – there was no mention of a ‘deal’. There was LEAVE. As in get out and cut ties with the EU. A half-in half-out deal was never an option on the ballot paper. It wasn’t Remain or half-Remain. It was Leave. So why the fuck are we not leaving properly??

 

There is NOTHING I as a voter can do… other than vote the Tories out at the next election in a few years, which at this rate I will take great joy in doing, even as a lifelong Conservative. I am ashamed of this country. I am sick of Remoaners. I am disenchanted and feel hopeless. What more can I do? The opposite side of the debate like to take to the streets and chant about how much they hate Brexit. That’s not in my nature. It’s not in the nature of our side unfortunately. And it still wouldn’t do a thing anyway. The only people who can sort this out are the politicians… and they don’t seem to want to listen to us or respect the referendum result – no matter what they say… what they’re pushing for does not respect it in the slightest – ask those of us who voted for Brexit.

 

And having my voice ignored… being made invisible again. And then the bullying that will endure once the Remoaners get their way…. I couldn’t cope with that. I’m frustrated. I’m angry – I have so much rage inside of me because of this. I want to punch walls every day because of how powerless I feel about this betrayal. It’s difficult.

 

And then today I went to the doctors. I said I hadn’t heard from CMHT about my referral. The doctor told me that they had rejected the referral. So the mental health team do not want to help me. They don’t care if I live or die.

 

The fucked up part of it is that they haven’t even met with me to assess me. They based that decision on my history – my past notes… the fact I did DBT before, which is their most intense thing they can offer. So there’s not much else they can do for me. Apparently they made mention of the fact I’d worked with IAPT too… I didn’t realise at the time, that if I worked with them that CMHT wouldn’t then help me, as they think I’ve had enough help already. Mental health services need to make it clearer what help is on offer and what the consequences are for those options. 

 

Without support from CMHT I can’t access the Recovery College. I can’t access a psychiatrist and finally get a fucking diagnosis. I know some people don’t agree with diagnosing people, but some of us need it. I needed to know what was wrong with me. I need validation. I needed to be able to explain to those in my life what is actually wrong with me. I can’t tell them ‘I have BPD’…. ‘I have C-PTSD’… because I’m not diagnosed with either. I knew this would happen. I’ve written about it before, that without a diagnosis CMHT probably won’t support me… but unless they do, I can’t GET the diagnosis to get the help. They’ve screwed me royally.

 

I can’t have my medication looked at… apparently in their response they said something about ‘medication won’t help in the long-term’….. okay… so what WILL? As YOU clearly don’t want to help me! And why won’t medication help? Is there something I don’t know?? Are you telling me I DO have BPD therefore medication won’t help?? Are you therefore discriminating against me based on a diagnosis I have not been formally given?? I am fucking angry.

 

Other people seem able to get the help they need from CMHT – why not me?? I feel abandoned by the world right now. I feel like everyone just wants me to fucking end it.

 

I cried during my appointment with the doctor… so much I couldn’t breathe. How can they reject me without even seeing me? They shouldn’t base it on therapy I received 10 YEARS AGO. I am a different person now. So much has changed. My life has spectacularly fallen apart. I didn’t know DBT was a once only opportunity. That once you’ve done the course that’s it for life. DBT was the one thing that helped me to reduce my self-harm and better my life. And professionals now would say ‘Just look at your folder’… dodging responsibility for actually HELPING people. I’m not saying I needed to do DBT again. There may have been other therapies they could have offered or at least suggested – BASED ON A DIAGNOSIS. How can they reject the request for help when they don’t even know what it is that’s wrong with me, and what I’m asking for?? It’s not fucking on.

 

Am I just meant to die then? Is that what they want? I know they couldn’t wait to get rid of me last time I had their help. I knew I was a burden to them. They made that fairly obvious. I remember my CPN saying something about doing therapy to help you, not just because it’s something you’ve done all your adult life…. ! FFS. I’m really struggling with urges to hurt myself right now. My suicidal thoughts are most certainly back.

 

How am I meant to go on living this life, with no support? How am I meant to WANT to live if even mental health services don’t give a fuck whether I live or die? I don’t want to hear from anyone that ‘sadly it’s because they’re so underfunded and overloaded’… that shouldn’t be MY problem. That’s like one of the doctors at my surgery who is all about ‘cost’… and isn’t afraid to make patients aware of his concern about the money side of things…. I am ill. I shouldn’t have to worry about the professionals’ side of things. I shouldn’t be thinking about cost for them. I shouldn’t even be aware of it – I should expect support and help and not be made to feel bad for needing it. I shouldn’t have to feel like a burden to the services – but that’s all I’ve felt. It worsens people’s mental health to be made to feel a burden for seeking help  – it takes a fuck-load of courage and effort to reach out for support. And to have it denied… to face a huge rejection like that – WITHOUT EVEN TALKING TO ME…. it’s not on. They didn’t even write to me. They told my doctor  – I didn’t see her for three months. I’ve been waiting three months to be told no. MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES – FUCKING SORT YOURSELVES OUT!! THIS IS PEOPLE’S LIVES YOU’RE MESSING WITH! I am a human being, not a fucking statistic. But all I seem to be to these professionals is a fucking number, in a line in a factory, thrown away in the bin at the end. What’s one more person falling off a bridge? One less person to have to help, right? I want to fucking punch my computer screen. I want to cut my arm open.

 

How is this okay? Mental health services might feel powerless – but how the fuck do you think I feel? I’m a ‘patient’. I’m suffering already. I feel close to the edge. I want to fucking die, and you feel frustrated that you can’t offer more help to people – so bloody what?? At least you don’t want to fucking slit your wrists every day. At least you know hope. There is none for someone like me. And you don’t even want to help me find it… because ‘cost’… probably. If mental health services put a price on my life, then obviously it’s £0 … I’m not worth saving.

 

I had put all my ‘hope’ of survival, on the possibility of help from CMHT. It was my last chance. My last glimmer of hope that I could get better. It’s gone. There’s nothing now. Just blackness. In front of others I’ll try and force a smile and positivity. Inside I’m thinking… jumpblades…blood…death…darkness. But there’s no point sharing any of it anymore. It achieves nothing.

 

All these things above show me that my voice doesn’t matter. That sharing my feelings on things won’t help. With my friend, trying to explain my mental illness just made her abandon me. She couldn’t deal with me anymore. Politically, my voice is being shunned and the bullying side are going to win. And mental health services don’t even want to HEAR my voice before rejecting me.

 

I’m irrelevant. I’m worthless. I’ve been abandoned by everyone and everything – my best friend, the fucking government, and now the mental health services. What bloody hope is there in this world for a lost cause like me? I just want to give up so much right now. I’m so tired of life. I’m tired of pain. I’m tired of loss. I’m tired of being hurt, neglected, abandoned, rejected. I’m sick of existing. I want to not exist anymore. I don’t feel safe anymore. There’s no hope left. I’m trapped in this hell forever…

 

 

The Urge To ‘Fix’.

I’ve always had this issue whereby if I have a falling out with someone, or feel in a bad place with them, I feel the need to ‘fix’ it, or resolve it as soon as possible. I guess this is to avoid the uncomfortable negative emotions associated with it.

I’m having to tell myself to leave it be for now. We need some distance. Nothing has changed for me – my circumstances are the same as a week ago, and nothing will have changed on their end, so for now I have to just accept things the way they are, and I have to try and tolerate the emotions and not overthink things. Easier said than done.

To feel a sense of peace, rather than the anxiety I feel right now, I have to see it as an ending at this point. We’re done. Yes, hopefully we’ll speak again at some point, but right now we’re obviously not good for each other’s wellbeing. We can’t be there for each other, and maybe the time apart will be a good thing. I have to try and believe that.

Yes I am hurt, upset and a little angry. There’s a lot I want to say. But that can come in time. Right now I need to get back to accepting reality as it is, and using it to push forward. I need to take this time to focus on getting better and not let it eat me up. Very hard not to obsess over it, especially late at night. Not been able to go to sleep until the early hours of the morning lately. My mind’s too active. It takes me to dark places. But I can’t let this destroy me. Must put it to the back of my mind and focus on what I have, rather than what I’ve lost. That’s my aim.

 

The List Of Chaos.

  • I spend months talking about how I feel I don’t have any friends.
  • I talk about feeling alone and like nobody cares.
  • You asked me what was wrong, I said I felt invisible, like nobody cares, and I should just keep to myself.
  • Your response was silence.
  • You left me feeling invisible and like you didn’t care.
  • You hardly speak to me anymore.
  • You don’t tell me you miss me. You tell me the kids miss me.
  • You don’t show that you care. You just say I am your friend.
  • I tell you about my mental health, to try and explain my behaviour – you don’t want to hear me. You just get annoyed with me for not being the friend I used to be, and you’re frustrated that I behave how I do.
  • You don’t seem to accept my mental illness.
  • I write about my paranoia, BPD and self-fulfilling prophecies in relation to friendships.
  • You message me saying you don’t know what’s going on but want to sort things out between us and talk of meeting.
  • I am hypervigilant and paranoid however. I feel scared and under threat, so retreat.
  • I feel ashamed and guilty for saying anything and burdening you, saying you don’t deserve having to put up with my illness.
  • I pull away whilst I deal with a couple of things that were hard to cope with.
  • I fight against my emotions, my paranoia and my illness, to contact you and suggest meeting to talk, so I can explain my illness. I admit I’m scared about it. I warn you things won’t be easy with me for a while as I’m ill, so if you don’t want to get involved you don’t have to. Last thing I want is to inflict my illness on you. I never expected you’d take this option.
  • After a couple of days you contact me, don’t really acknowledge anything I said, and just tell me your side – you tell me what an awful time you’ve been having.
  • You tell me you don’t know how to be my friend as you don’t think I want you as a friend. And you just wanted me to talk to you.
  • You tell me things that make me feel guilty for having not been there for you – but how was I to know? I’m not a mind-reader, and I’m too ill to approach others and ask. Sorry I’m a rubbish friend. It’s mental illness – you may have understood if you’d listened to me.
  • You say you need to focus on your own things.
  • This makes me feel like something you can’t be dealing with right now. i.e. ‘a burden’.
  • You then tell me you are my friend and you are here for me, despite giving the impression you cannot be here for me. Empty words.
  • You showed no compassion for my ill health or suffering. And made no reference to meeting up anymore.
  • I  show care that things have not been good for you.
  • I assure you I wanted you as my friend, and thought the same about you.
  • I repeat that I have a mental illness, one I was going to print stuff out about, to give you to understand better.
  • I acknowledge that we obviously need space to focus on our own issues.
  • I show concern for something that you mentioned, and wish the best for that situation.
  • I close my account.

 

 

  • I have no clue how you could think I didn’t want you as a friend.
  • I had been calling out for you to be my friend for months.
  • The post I wrote about paranoia was based on my illness, but on our friendship too.
  • I wrote about feeling possessive and replaced.
  • I feel replaced.
  • I was replaced as ‘best friend’ when you got married. He became your best friend – as he should be. But to someone with BPD it is still a painful feeling of rejection.
  • Wanted to explain this to you.
  • Being the only single person left, I feel lonely and I feel less important to you, now you have a family.
  • I now feel replaced by your other friend who you frequently post about – you have more in common, family and all… so I feel inferior. This comes from low self-worth / self-esteem.
  • You may not like ‘possessiveness’ or ‘jealousy’ but it comes from valuing you, and feeling inferior and insecure. I would have hoped you would respect this and reassure me, rather than feed my insecurities further.
  • I wish you could understand my FEELINGS instead of taking offence at my words.
  • You seem to look and sound happier with these others friends who are married and have children. It kicks in the thought that you’d be better off without me dragging you down. Whether this offends  and upsets you or not, it’s how I feel. I feel inferior and like a burden to you.
  • You have confirmed this by your message.
  • You have confirmed my worst fears. That you don’t want to deal with me anymore.
  • You want to focus on your personal life.
  • I know this will be untrue. You will see the other friend, who isn’t a ‘drag’.
  • She will become the new ‘best friend’. And that fear of being replaced will also come true.
  • I just wanted you to understand where my fears come from…
  • I wanted to explain ‘splitting’ to you as well. It is beyond my control. It is like watching back a movie of your relationship with someone, which has been edited and only shows you the negative times. You know that the positives exist, but they’re not connected to the movie you’re watching. It is not deliberate, and is not about you. It is a faulty thought pattern caused by my mental illness. It distresses me.
  • I wanted to explain this to you. But you avoiding my illness, and rejecting meeting to learn about it, and responding how you did has made me split even further. It’s just added to the problem and made it harder to fix in the future.
  • My paranoia at least is not paranoia now. It’s just true. But I do still have paranoia and I wanted you to understand how hard it is to cope with that, when you’ve never had support for it before. It doesn’t just go away.
  • I wanted you to understand my fear of abandonment, and that when I shut down it is self-preservation mode. It is me trying to protect myself from losing you. I don’t chase people anymore. I withdraw.
  • I wanted you to know it’s because you matter to me that I fear losing you.
  • I sense the changes. I noticed the way you spoke to me changed. I was aware of the amount of time you’d not talk to me.
  • I was paralysed by depression and paranoia, so I couldn’t take the initiative and speak to you, no matter how much you wish I could. I wanted you to learn why it’s impossible for me.
  • I felt you had expectations of me that I could not fulfil because of my mental illness.
  • I know you want me to be who I was before, but I’m sorry I can’t do that right now.
  • I wish I could. I hate feeling suicidal every day.

 

 

 

  • You wanted to meet to sort things. I was afraid and overwhelmed, so didn’t agree to at that time. Then when I said about doing it, you seemed to have given up on the idea. I just feel you don’t understand mental illness at all. I couldn’t talk to you. I was scared of you!
  • It took so much strength and courage to agree to meet and talk. So it was a blow when you didn’t accept it.
  • I don’t understand how you could think I don’t want you as a friend, when I have shown over and over how desperate I am for you to show me your friendship!
  • You are a closed book, so I had no clue you felt this way, or had problems.
  • I never hid how I felt. So you cannot say the same.
  • I know you have your issues. I actually care about you and your family.
  • I cannot help not being there for you. I beat myself up for it. Literally. My hand is bandaged from doing so!
  • I understand you might feel the same, that you cannot be here for me.
  • I understand you may have felt too much pressure to be here for me, but please understand that I am desperate. My life has spun out of control. You cannot expect out of me, what you would expect from any normal person, or even what you expected from me in the past. I’ve never been this ill. I don’t always know what I’m saying / doing… I’m just trying my best to survive. Being judged for the way I do this is not helpful.
  • It could be you are struggling with mental ill-health too, and I’m sorry if that’s the case. But I don’t know about it. I cannot help you if I don’t know anything. You cannot expect me to just know these things.

 

 

  • I was upset nobody was there for me on the first anniversary of Grampa dying.
  • That is where my splitting and paranoia started. It felt the worst that you weren’t there. I thought you would understand and support me. But you then went two months without speaking to me, before writing a less than caring message.
  • I am grieving. I went into the ‘depression’ stage of grief and haven’t come out of it. I thought you would be more understanding of what grief can do to a person.
  • I’ve never grieved before, not like this, so I needed a steady friendship and security to feel safe in a world that suddenly feels unpredictable and scary.
  • Grief and the longest and worst crisis I’ve ever experienced, mixed together, and having to deal with it all alone is hell, and I wish you understood that.
  • I don’t have other friends like you do.
  • I don’t have a partner like you do.
  • I have a tiny little world.
  • I haven’t seen anyone socially for four months, since the last time I saw you.
  • I don’t have someone to confide in.
  • I am alone now.
  • I feel suicidal every day now.
  • I feel you wouldn’t care if I followed through with it.
  • I feel you don’t value my friendship or my life.
  • I understand you have your own life. To be fair I haven’t exactly ripped you away from that life this year. On average I saw you less often than once a month.
  • I know you have to focus on your family.
  • But you make me feel like I’m too demanding for wanting a friend.
  • You make me feel how Joe made me feel… like I’m too much. Too needy.
  • You made me feel worthless.
  • However unintended that may be, it’s how you’ve made me feel.
  • What if I died tomorrow? Would you wish you’d cared more when it mattered? Or do I really not matter to you now?
  • After your message I wanted to die. Or I wanted to put myself in hospital.
  • I ‘just’ harmed myself instead.
  • I couldn’t find my diazepam to calm me down. I panicked looking for it.
  • I had to just get through it and keep myself safe.
  • I’ve appeared strong and positive the last couple of days.
  • Today was hard.
  • I had so many thoughts and words in my head, which I tried to write out, and I just couldn’t do it.
  • I eventually found this way of listing my thoughts clearly. It’s helping.

 

 

  • You may feel like a victim to my mental illness and my behaviour.
  • But you don’t communicate. You expect me to just know. And then seem to hold it against me for not knowing… making me out to be the bad guy – like I’m selfish.
    But you don’t take the time to understand my illness. If you did some research you might understand how I’m feeling right now. I’d do it for you if I found out you had an illness.
  • I feel like a victim.
  • I’m already a victim of my illness.
  • I feel like a victim of isolation and loneliness.
  • And now I feel like a victim by the cold abandonment over the weekend.
  • I feel like you see me as the one in the wrong here. But I cannot see it that way. Because I know about my illness. I know my limitations. I know how desperately I cried out for help all year, to have it ignored. I know my symptoms. I know I say and do things that might not be the best idea – but if you understood the illness you would know it’s never about you. It’s about trying to rid myself of overwhelming emotional pain and suffering. I know I have paranoia. I know everything I’m going through. But I know nothing of what you’re going through. And you seem to expect me to. You then imply you can’t deal with me anymore, and need to focus on you – as though I’m asking too much of you… making me feel like shit… how is that fair??
  • I am hurt.
  • Maybe one day things will work out.
  • But it needs to be acknowledged that you’ve hurt me.
  • Perhaps I hurt you. But I’ve told you multiple times I am ill. And you don’t talk to me, so I never knowingly turn my back on you at your worst times. But you did.
  • I will forgive, but I don’t think I can forget… again, a part of my illness.
  • One of two things will happen… either I will get better, on my own, and we will rekindle our friendship, when I’m in a healthier, stronger place. You will want me back as a friend once I’m not this ill. Or we’ll never speak again. And you can tell me how much you care about me, at my funeral.
  • All I wanted was for you to hear me, and understand I’m not being difficult or awkward – I am ill and you’re seeing my symptoms. I wanted you to treat me with the kindness needed to survive a mental illness that kills 10% of those who have it.
  • I wanted you to care. To really care about me, and to show it.
  • I’m sorry you couldn’t do that.
  • Goodbye.