Completely Alone.

*Language / suicide / honesty*

 

The stark reality is this….. NOBODY CARES.

 

I could fall off the face of the planet and nobody would notice, let alone be sad about it. Heck, I could speak out online about how suicidal I feel… I could tell the world I’m about to end it, and all I’ll be met with is silence.

 

People say to reach out to someone when you need help. That’s okay… if you’re not me. But if you’re me then nobody cares enough to say anything in response. Nobody values me or my life. Nobody would miss me. I am invisible to the world… even the ‘mental health community’ who rally round each other – I’m the outsider as I always have been everywhere I go. I don’t know what it is about me but people just do not give a shit. Whenever I’ve reached out and been honest about my mental health or the grief I’m feeling about Liv, and how utterly alone I feel….. silence. That’s all there is. I don’t exist.

 

When I first experienced grief two years ago, people were there in the short-term. But when my full grief kicked in, after the effects of medication wore off…. nobody there. My best friend abandoned me at the worst time of my life. And now I need her more than I ever have needed anyone, and she doesn’t give a shit. She texted me which is nice, but that’s all. Now without her and without Liv, I genuinely have nobody who cares whether I live or die, other than family. I have a great big gaping hole in my heart, and my life, and nobody to support me through that.

 

I am alone in grief. I am alone in life. I’ll be alone in death. I have to deal with my grief alone. While others are talking to each other and grieving together, I don’t exist. People ignore my existence. It’s like she never mattered to me or I never mattered to her. I’m left to fend for myself. I don’t even know if I’ve missed the funeral. I’m so out of the loop. And having to deal with this sort of grief – suicide – on my own, whilst being invisible to everyone… and having no close friends. I don’t want to do it. I don’t want to be here either. I want to join Liv. I might as well. There is no point in me existing anymore. There is NOTHING good left. I can’t even say, like I had all year, well I’ve got Westlife to look forward to….. I was going with Liv. Now she’s not here. I was meant to finally see her again two weeks tomorrow. I never got to give her a long overdue hug. We were so excited to be front row. Now I’m going to have to leave an empty seat, as I’ve practically gone round everyone begging them to have a free front row seat, and nobody said yes – even an offer like that people don’t want to be around me. It MUST be something wrong with me. I know the likelihood is people just couldn’t make it as they had other plans. But the last couple of weeks have been so humiliating and triggering for me. I’ve had to relive my childhood – desperately chasing for someone to be my friend and go with me. And I’ve had to face so much rejection over and over again. It’s left me feeling really quite shit about myself. And yes, I’ll be brutally honest, I’m a little angry at Liv for this… because this is what her decision left me with. The one thing that was keeping me alive, the one thing I was looking forward to with her, is now a ‘problem’ for me to solve. It’s a harsh reminder of how unbelievably isolated I am. And I know that makes me sound selfish. But since nobody else gives a fuck about me, I don’t think it really matters if I sound selfish.

 

This HAS affected me, badly… and there’s nobody there to talk to about it. There’s nobody who understands. There’s nobody supportive, loving, caring and committed to helping me through this traumatic loss. I can feel immense sympathy for Liv. I can be so upset that she’s gone. I can love her and miss her, and say I could never hate her. But I can still be angry about what’s happened and how it has impacted on my own mental health. Because my own mental health was already on a ledge. That’s why I was too wrapped up in my own self-pity to notice just how bad things must’ve been for Liv. Because I was struggling. And somebody taking their own life does pass it down the chain. It stops their pain, but it passes it on to someone else. It’s true.

 

I even had a colleague say to me not to do anything myself because of it, and I was honest with her and said it is something that has crossed my mind as a result, but that I wouldn’t put my family through that.

 

Liv was all I had left besides them. Everyone else pretty much leaves me feeling alone… like I don’t matter… like I don’t exist…. like I’m a nuisance and a burden. She was the only one who noticed, cared and believed in me. She’s the only one who never let me down. She was my rock. And now she’s gone.

 

Life is rapidly taking away my rocks. Losing family members, losing my best friend, losing Liv.

 

When I think about how I feel I have an image in my head. I don’t picture ending my life. It’s already ended. I see me lying there paralysed…. broken… no willpower to move… with destruction all around me…. like I’ve just thrown myself off a cliff or out of a window and there’s debris everywhere. I’m not moving. And the most notable thing about this image…… there’s nobody to be seen. People are walking past as though I’m not there. As though nothing happened. I’m lying there, dead for all anyone knows, and I’m still invisible. This is how I feel on the inside. I feel I’m already dead. And nobody gives a shit. Life goes on. I don’t want it to.

 

Two weeks tomorrow was meant to be the happiest day of my life so far… a dream come true…. it’s anything but now. I am living in a nightmare that only keeps getting worse. If losing my granddad wasn’t bad enough and real and painful enough…. then having my breakdown at therapy…. then withdrawing last year, feeling suicidal every day, and ultimately being hurt and abandoned by the person I trusted most…. and now Liv is gone. All the old friends I used to have are carrying on happily without me, and I’m left broken by them all. And I hear the words ‘we wouldn’t want anything like that to happen to you’…. it’s just words. It means nothing when it’s coming from the very people who put me on that ledge in the first place. The people who neglected me and abandoned me and hurt me so much, that I didn’t want to live anymore…. this was BEFORE Liv took her own life. I wanted to die before she DID. And people can say all they want that Liv wouldn’t want me to follow her…. but she went. She set the example. So I don’t want people telling me what Liv would and wouldn’t want for me, when she made that choice for herself. I’m not saying I’m about to do something, but I seriously am feeling why the hell shouldn’t I….?! I have every reason to not be here anymore. I have nothing to live for… other than to not hurt my family.

 

Liv left me all alone. Again I might sound selfish, but someone choosing to end their life is effectively an abandonment, and when you have what I have, it’s the one thing you find it hard to cope with. And I’ve had a fuck-load of it in the last few years. Seeing Westlife wasn’t enough for her to stick around. Seeing me wasn’t enough for her to stick around. All the other good things going on for her were not enough to stick around. I understand the demons won.  But it’s hard not to take it personally and feel like you’ve been rejected…. to not feel worthless… to not feel like she didn’t care enough about you not to leave you with nothing and nobody.

 

I’m not happy that I’m having to write these things. I’m devastated that there’s a need in the first place. People ask me what I want to do about the concert – do I want to sell the ticket, give it to someone who knew her, leave an empty seat…. blah blah blah…. no. What I WANT is for Liv to still be alive. What I WANT is to have not lost my best friend from my life too. What I WANT is for none of this to be real. But I can’t have that can I? This is reality. A reality I do not want. I have nothing left to pull me through this.

 

When my group of friends betrayed and abandoned me in 2012, I had my best friend and then my Godchildren to keep me going. When I lost my best friend & Godchildren, Liv was one of the only ones there…. now I’ve lost Liv and there’s nobody and nothing left. Not anyone who can reach me on a deeper level. Everyone else is a more recent friend / acquaintance. I don’t really register on their radars. The two people I’ve lost this year are my two oldest friends – I don’t know who I knew the longest, but I knew them both for over 12 years of my life. Everyone else I pretty much only met in the last couple of years.

 

So yeah, I’ve had three major losses in two years. And I have nobody to help me through it. I don’t have online support… professional support… honestly nobody cares how I feel or what happens to me.

 

I know Liv wouldn’t have wanted me to feel this isolated. She wouldn’t have wanted me to feel out of the loop and forgotten like this. But I am. I don’t matter to anyone. I never did. I never will. And the only person who ever made me feel that these facts weren’t true, was Liv. Liv who is no more. I really do give up on life. I feel dead to it now.

 

I spent most of last year feeling detached from reality and disconnected from everyone and everything. I didn’t want to be here. In the last handful of months I tried my best to push through it all and open up to people again. I tried to reconnect to life. But now Liv has ended her life I don’t have a life left. I’ve never felt more disconnected. And I don’t feel I can come back from it this time. Life will never feel the same again. I am honestly dead inside. There is no light left.  Sometimes we need others to be that light for us – people that really know us and really care about us… people we can trust…. I don’t have that with anyone. I have nobody offering me their light. Not people I know. I feel desperately alone, painfully ill in my mind, and completely hopeless. I feel paralysed with pain and depression. Nobody can know how it feels to be me right now. My life has become one big tragedy. And even if it’s not right now, I know how my story ends…

 

 

 

Nothing & Nobody.

*Mentions self-harm and suicide*

 

Nobody knows what it’s like to lose a friend to suicide.
If they do, they don’t know what it’s like that the friend was the only one left.
If they do, they don’t know what it’s like to have recently lost their best friend too.
If they do, they don’t know what it’s like to have been abandoned due to mental illness.
If they do, they don’t know what it’s like to have been blamed for the fallout.
If they do, they don’t know what it’s like to have been hurt by so many others.
If they do, they don’t know what it’s like to have not recovered from their first loss.
If they do, they don’t know what it’s like to have BPD.
If they do, they don’t know what it’s like to have to cope with all the above, alone, whilst battling with BPD.

 

Last week, my one remaining friend took her own life. Grief from suicide is a whole other ball game. It’s not like ‘normal’ grief. I’ve only had one other encounter with grief, when my granddad died two years ago. He had lived a long life and we saw it coming, for eight months. Death caused by age is devastating, but easier to cope with. I hadn’t coped with it… because due to medication changes at the time, which numbed my pain, my grief was delayed and I didn’t experience the full force of it until last year… when I was left to cope on my own. The only person there for me is the person who took their own life last week. Now I have to mourn the loss of her, without her support. Nobody can know what this is like, whilst in the depths of mental illness too. Nobody can understand what it’s like to be me right now. Nobody.

 

Losing someone to suicide is totally different to losing my granddad. It was sudden, unexpected and she chose to do it. So it kicks up a lot of different emotions – I feel guilty and ashamed to admit this, but it feels like she did it TO me. As much as I’m always the first to defend those who are suicidal, and know how they feel and that other people don’t enter into it, or that they feel others would be better off without them…  when it happens in your life, all of that goes out the window and you feel as if they made the choice, knowing it would cause you unbearable pain and not caring. I feel as though she knew I had nobody else… that I was hurting already and that this would leave me isolated and suicidal myself. So when people say I have to go on, for her, as she wouldn’t want anything to happen to me, I don’t feel anything…  as I didn’t want anything to happen to her either, yet she still did what she did. I don’t hate her. I never could. I feel so much sympathy and hurt for the suffering she must have felt to make that choice. But being honest, there is a degree of anger that comes with grief when it’s a suicide. But before anyone assumes anything, I don’t think she was selfish. In fact I know I’M the one being selfish for thinking about how this has impacted MY life. But it’s hard not to, when I was due to see her next month, and I have nobody and nothing left now. When my illness was bad enough already and I had started feeling suicidal again myself, and now it’s all I can think about. It’s hard not to become selfish about it and to some degree, to blame her for the mess I’m in. And to then feel guilty for blaming her. This sort of grief is complex and very new to me. Grief was new to me only two years ago. I hadn’t healed from the first time, so to now have a second person to grieve, and for it to be as intense as suicide – and to have to face that ON MY OWN now, whilst ill, it’s not something I feel I can get through at the moment.

 

In a moment of desperation I reached out for my former friend, through her husband, as she had me blocked. I didn’t know what I was doing at the time. I was in so much pain and felt so alone, I wanted to have my best friend back. I didn’t feel I could cope on my own. I realised the next day what a mistake it was. I was scared of what it might kick up and I knew I wouldn’t be able to cope with it right now. She unblocked me on two accounts and was trying to get a message to me. It never came. So a day or two later I decided I should never have reached out. Part of this was trying to hurt myself by isolating myself.

 

Anyway, after me showing this doubt and backtracking, she then blocked me again on both accounts. That hurt me massively. It led to me self-harming again in the middle of the night, and not really caring if I died. I didn’t want to wake up anymore. This was the sort of thing I knew I couldn’t cope with during this sort of grief. I couldn’t risk any more hurt.

 

It turned out she had texted my old phone, but my battery was out & my charger didn’t work anymore, so I had to borrow someone else’s to charge it up. Her husband encouraged me to let them help me. It was hard to do, but I did. And in some way it felt good. To suddenly have her caring, and to not feel like she totally hated me. But at the same time it felt very distant and empty. It felt like ‘this is all well and good, but I still don’t have my friend… and I’m not going to’. At the end of the day I was still abandoned. I was still hurt. And I got the sense that I’m still blamed. I’m still on my own, without support and I’m upset and angry about that.

 

I heard things such as it doesn’t mean things will go back to normal – and that made me feel like I’m being punished for a crime I didn’t even commit. I feel that they are blaming me for the state of things, and I don’t understand why. They shouldn’t be telling me that things won’t be the same now…. I should be telling them that! And my friend should be fighting for me and apologising to me. Why am I being blamed for being mentally ill, and abandoned as a result?? I also heard that nothing has been done to cause me pain, and that my friend is just trying to be herself. I still don’t believe that. I don’t believe the excuses. Certain things done this year have no possible explanation other than to cause me distress. Which they all did. And by hearing she was just trying to be herself, I heard two things. 1. Her ‘self’ is a hurtful person then. And 2. I stopped her from being herself, so I must be an awful person.

 

I know no harm was meant by these comments at all, but those along with the ‘things not going back to normal’, all made me feel worse… about myself, about my life… and caused more pain that I just couldn’t deal with.

 

Nobody seems to understand this. I’m out there on a ledge right now…. exposed…. alone…. with a decreasing number of reasons to hold on and every reason to close my eyes and fall. It’s not enough anymore for people to say they don’t want anything like that to happen to me. They are the very reason I found myself on this ledge in the first place. Now the only person I had left has taken her own life, and nobody can fix that. Nobody can fix me. Nobody can fix the damage done by these other people. If they don’t want me to go down the same path then they should’ve thought about that before abandoning and hurting me last year, when I needed them most. It’s too late to care now. Especially when that care is simply words. Is there anything they can do? Well given the chasm between us I’d say probably not. Anything I need from anyone would be asking too much of someone who doesn’t want to be my friend anymore. What I want is to have a best friend to support me. One who actually cares and will do anything for me. But that’s out of the question now. And even if I had that, it doesn’t erase the pain they caused me.

 

I don’t know how to cope with all this. Last night I had to take diazepam because I was awake at almost 3am, my mind racing, crying, feeling suicidal. In simple terms – I’m hurting because of my former best friend, and I need Liv to help me with that. But Liv is gone now. She took her own life. And I need my best friend to help me cope with that. But she abandoned me. I’ve lost them both, in horrible, traumatising ways, and I have nobody now. I’m having to deal with two major losses with no safety net. No support network. No friends. Nothing and nobody. Yes there are other people who talk to me, but if I’m being honest, as much as I appreciate their attempts to help, it’s not enough. I don’t have the close support I need. It all feels too distant. I don’t feel I matter to anyone. And even if others are there… Liv isn’t…. my best friend isn’t either. These are the things I want. I want none of this to have happened. I want my life back.

 

Professional support wouldn’t help. Medication won’t help – although at the moment I want nothing more than to be heavily sedated and knocked out… to not have to feel anything. Nothing will help because nothing can change what has happened. Nothing can erase the emotional scars it’s left me with. Nothing can undo the damage caused. I’m out of options. That’s why I feel utterly hopeless and that ultimately I’m going to follow the same path as Liv. It feels inevitable. Because I can never heal from everything that’s happened in the last two years. It’s too much.  It’s far too much pain and loss to cope with, and I have to do that entirely alone now. It’s not possible. There is no light anymore.

 

Not even the concert next month can help me through this now. Because the person I was going with ended her life. Why shouldn’t I? What do I have to stick around for now? I was so excited about it… we both were. I was finally going to see her again – a reunion with her as well as the band. Now I’ll never see her again. Now I have nobody to go with. I want someone who I know and trust to be there with me… not some random person. I’m having to go round everyone I know, begging them to come with me, and being rejected over and over – I have nothing against anyone saying no, it’s just it’s reminding me of my humiliating school days, and rejection is a big trigger for me with my BPD. My problem isn’t the people who are saying no, it’s the memories it’s stirring up, and how alone it’s making me feel…. it’s about how it’s making me view myself. I have a couple more to ask, but I think I can guess the answers, and then I’m out of options. I then have to either go on my own or not at all. People are telling me I should go and enjoy it, because Liv would want me to. How am I meant to enjoy it?? She’s dead. My world will never be the same now. How can life go on? How am I supposed to dance and sing and have fun, one month after she took her own life? In a few months maybe, when life has to return to normal…. but this is too soon. Especially as she was meant to be there with me. I wish I had someone supportive, who I trust, to go with me. It might make it more manageable. But the chaos of this, having to fill her spot and it looking increasingly like I’ll be going on my own, it’s making me look forward to it even less than I already do. So that one thing that was keeping me going all year is now a ‘problem’… so I’m less interested in keeping going.

 

After losing my granddad I didn’t feel safe anymore. Nothing felt certain. My mental health deteriorated. This made me feel even less safe. That’s why I needed my friends last year. My best friend then washed her hands of me, hurting me on the way out, and left me even less safe. And now losing my friend to suicide…. I’m now floating through the air, tied up and stuffed in a dark bag, with no clue how far I have to fall and what kind of landing it will be. I’m just waiting for the crash. And the worst bit is, I no longer care. I hope the fall kills me. I hope I don’t wake up.

 

Life has become too unreal and too real at the same time if that’s even possible. And I don’t want to be a part of it. It can only get worse from here. Anyone who says otherwise is lying and doesn’t know my situation. I have no way of gaining anything in my life anymore. All I can do is lose more and more. And all I have left to lose are family. I really couldn’t cope with that. I’d rather not be here myself, than have to go through more loss, alone. I don’t think I was made for this world…

 

Worst part is I can’t tell anyone how I feel. I have to pretend I’m okay. Because they won’t understand. They’ll invalidate how I feel. I can’t face that. I feel alone enough as it is. So it’s better to keep my mouth shut and suffer in silence. So that’s what I’ll do. To the bitter end.

 

 

 

 

Liv

RIP Lovely Liv

 

 

There are some things in life we so desperately don’t want to be true, and yet they are. On Wednesday night I learnt that a good friend of mine, Liv, had lost her fight with her inner demons, and had taken her own life. I will be writing about my feelings and grief separately, probably on my other blog about grief. I want to dedicate this post to Liv and the wonderful woman she was and will always be remembered as.

 

Lovely Liv,

 

My heart is completely broken. I can’t process the fact you’re gone and I’ll never see you again. I’ll never hear from you again. You were one of the best friends I’ve ever had. We only ever had the chance to meet once in this lifetime, in 2012, at the last Westlife concert we both went to. But I knew you for over twelve years… I forget exactly how long, but I knew you as long, if not longer than I knew my best friend. We were on a forum together – I adopted you as my ‘Little Sister’. Kiran was my ‘Purple Pot Plant’ and Lanny was my ‘Sparkly Donkey’. Oh such silly times! We bonded over our shared love of Westlife. We started a thread about them, and always defended them against those who said it wasn’t ‘cool’ to like Westlife.

You were always so supportive of me. I forget whether I was ever as helpful to you as you were to me. I don’t know if it’s normal to remember the love you received from someone, and to think you never did enough for them in return… We’d always chat about things, if not giving support then talking about Westlife – it was our shared hobby!

One day we decided to add each other on Facebook, and suddenly we could put a face to a name. You became a real person to me, and I to you. I remember you saying ‘You are very beautiful x’…. I just wish you could have seen your own beauty and what an incredible person you were inside and out. You called me ‘Lovely Lily’… to me you were and always will be ‘Lovely Liv’. I’m so sad I have to live the rest of my life without you here.

You always gave such brilliant advice if I needed someone objective to talk to, and you never once made me feel like a burden. You had such a giving, kind and generous spirit, that you’ll be remembered for… I just wish life had been kinder to you. You deserved the very best in life. It always rains hardest on those who deserve the sun.

You are the only person who was ever consistently there for me through everything. The only person who never once gave up on me. You always saw the good in me, even when I couldn’t see it in myself. You understood my illness and never thought badly of me for it. Thank you.

On the first anniversary of my first loss, you were the only person who said anything to me, to let me know I wasn’t alone. I spoke for too long about ‘nobody being there for me’, and because I closed my account at the time, I forgot that you were… I didn’t put enough emphasis on the fact that you were the only one there for me. I’ll never forget the part you played in my life and how you never let me down.

You were the one person who never made me feel invisible. You frequently said you read all my blogs and watched the videos I made. You kept encouraging me to write about my feelings – that my blog was my space to be myself and write my truth, and that others can choose to read it or not. Whenever I felt discouraged you would always know what to say to get me to open up again. I will keep writing, for you… I just wish you were still here to read my posts and talk to me.

I feel so alone now. After losing my best friend from my life, you were the one I was closest to. The one who talked to me and commented on things I posted. I feel empty without you. It feels pointless being online, as nobody talks to me… nobody will care as much as you did. I feel so lonely and broken, and I don’t have you to turn to anymore.

You were the one who helped me through my grief. You used your experience to tell me what to watch for, how to treat myself and to reach for help if I needed it. You were full of so much compassion and empathy, something I wish you could’ve shown to yourself more. I wish you were here now. I need your guidance and words to help me deal with the loss of you. I have nobody else to guide me through this. It’s new territory for me too. I’ve never lost anyone to suicide. It’s throwing out new emotions for me. It’s scary. I don’t know how to get through it, not without you.

I saw you in 2012 at Westlife, and I was set to see you on the 14th June to see them again, together this time… we would’ve been in the front row for the first time ever… we were so excited to be going together. You said you couldn’t think of anyone you’d rather be going with. I felt the same. Now I don’t know if I can go… not without you. You should be there. I have nobody else to go with now. It was hard enough to have to go and see them, as I used to go with my best friend… this would’ve been the first time not going with her. But I was okay, because I was going with you, another super-fan! Now I have to go alone or not at all. My life is very small… it’s been getting smaller for the last couple of years. I’m heartbroken you won’t be there with me if I go.

 

 

Liv (1)

 

I can’t believe how excited we were…. we were planning to meet before the concert to have something to eat or look around. The original plan was to find somewhere halfway between where we both live and catch up a few weeks before, but that changed to being on the day. I wish we’d met up now. I never got to see you a second time. And you’ll never see Westlife again. I know some would say I have to see them for you. That you would want me to go and to enjoy it… I just don’t feel that way yet. My world is in chaos without you now. I feel lost, confused and too broken and numb to look forward to something like that now. Just seeing about their tour makes me start crying again.

I’m so sorry that you were in that much pain to do something like that. I wish I had known. I should have known. But I was too wrapped up in my own despair – that I wasn’t really talking about either. My mental health had really slipped in the previous couple of weeks. I’m sure there must have been signs you were not okay. I feel so guilty for missing them.

I was in shock when I found out… I thought you were so happy. You were the happiest I’d seen you in a long time. You had your new job that you were so proud to have. You’d moved house. You had your partner and your doggy who you loved to pieces. It wasn’t fair that this had happened at the best time of your life. I couldn’t understand it. But that’s the thing with mental illness… we often can’t see what’s going on underneath it all. I have no doubt that you were happy. That was real. You’d found love, a purpose, a place in the world. Maybe your demons told you that you didn’t deserve any of it. Who knows? That’s the worst part about it. I’ll never know the reasons. Suicide leaves people with so many unanswered questions. It’s a different sort of grief. Nothing can prepare you for that.

Lovely Liv… you had such an impact on this world in your short life. I hope you know that. You can see it through the outpouring of grief and love online… on Facebook, on Twitter – you trended on Twitter on Wednesday… that’s how loved and valued you were. You touched so many lives and your passing has brought together so many people, with a shared appreciation of everything you are and everything you’ve done. All our hearts are broken as one. Your memory will live on forever. You were a great advocate for mental health and did so much work with the police, talking about your experiences of being detained, and your suicide attempts in the past. You only have to see the tributes from the police force and all those in the mental health community, to see how valuable you were to them, and they will make sure they use what you taught them, to make improvements in the future for others… that will be your legacy.

I wish this hadn’t happened. I wish you were still here. I’d do anything to have you back. A part of me is missing. You can’t ever be replaced in my heart. There will never be anyone like you. You had a fantastic sense of humour, you were a clever, beautiful, special and inspirational woman. I was lucky to have met you, and so proud to call you my friend. You gave me hope and kept me going. You were my rock. And I don’t know if I ever told you the words ‘I love you’… but I did, I do and I always will xx

You couldn’t find peace and love yourself in life. I hope in Heaven, with your mum by your side you find that peace, and know only love. I’ll miss you forever, and though it hurts too much right now, I’ll try and live for you, knowing you’ll be by my side and always in my heart. Rest in peace Lovely Liv. Sleep tight my wonderful friend, until we meet again.

Lily xxxx

 

 

 

All I Wanted Was…

All I wanted was my best friend back.
That’s all I wanted.
To know she cared about me, worried about me, and appreciated me.
To have her reassurance…
To feel safe in our friendship….
To know she wasn’t going anywhere…
I needed that stability and safety…. my world had collapsed after my first loss.
I needed to know she wouldn’t abandon me when my mental health deteriorated.
I needed to know I could count on her.
I wanted her to love me at my worst, because that’s when I needed her most.

 
I wanted my best friend to research my illness.
I wanted her to try her best to understand BPD….
And the concepts of paranoia, splitting and trauma.
To do this much for me, as I would for her.
To learn how to better support me and preserve our friendship.
To not hold my illness against me.
To understand why I am the way I am.
And why I do the things I do.

 

I wanted to see my Godchildren – the reason for me living.
I wanted my friend to help me find that lost part of me again.
I had lost faith in myself and thought I wasn’t good enough for them.
I needed my friend to help me see this wasn’t true.

 

I wanted to be a part of their lives… to watch them grow up.
I felt so proud watching them learn new things.
It’s been 15 months… so much has changed. They will not remember me.
I wanted to continue being there for them for the rest of my life.
I pictured the future with them. Now that future is gone.
And I will never see them again.
It’s not like a divorce where both parents see the kids.
I have no rights.
No way of seeing them.
I’ve lost them forever.
I’m heartbroken.

 

I only wanted to matter to my best friend.
For her to want to talk to me, to see me, to fight for me.
For her to not turn her back when I needed her most.
For her to ease my fear that I was being replaced.
I wanted her to understand how worthless I felt…
That I didn’t feel I deserved her.
That I was scared of losing her.
I wanted her to ease my pain, not add to it.
All I wanted was for my best friend to not be like the rest of them.
To apologise and make amends.
To not blame it all on me.
To use the difficulties to make us stronger.
To prove to me that bumps in the road don’t mean the end.
To make me feel safe to be honest with her if I felt hurt.
To not just give up on me at the first hurdle.
To not ‘ghost’ me and walk away making me think she hates me.

 
All I wanted was my best friend to show me empathy and compassion.
Even if she couldn’t understand my illness.
I wanted her to tell me words I needed to hear –
“I care about you”
“You’re my best friend and always will be”
“I miss you”
“I love you”
“I’m so thankful to have you in my life”
“I’m not going to leave you”
Is it too much to ask for caring words whilst suffering?

 

All I wanted was my best friend to make effort for me.
To send me a note that she’s thinking of me.
To ask how I am.
To give me a photo of us, to remind me of our bond.
To send some flowers.
To invite me for a coffee.
Anything to let me know I existed and mattered to her.
To match my efforts.
All I wanted was for my best friend to notice how hard I was trying…
To cope with my illness. Alone.
To cope with my first major loss. Alone.
To sort things out with her, despite my illness, even though she had given up on me.
All I wanted was to feature on my best friend’s list of priorities.
I knew I was nowhere near the top anymore.
But I wanted to feel I mattered on some level.
I wanted to not feel like a burden to her.
I honestly believed I was.
I wanted her to treat me otherwise.

 

All I wanted was to put my mental health first.
For my friend to put my mental health first.
For my friend to agree it was important.
For her to understand why I had to make the decision to step back.
For her to realise if she couldn’t make a choice then I had to.
That it wasn’t fair to string me along.
That it didn’t mean we couldn’t talk.
That she overreacted by blocking me.
All I wanted was my friend not to hurt me.
Not to block me.
Not to remove herself from my group after finding out it would hurt me.
Not to reconnect with the one person who came between our friendship before.
To stop doing these things she knows would hurt me.
To stop doing these things TO hurt me.
To want to ease my pain, not cause it.

 

All I wanted was my friend to put thought into how to make it up to me.
How to resolve things with me.
To focus on that, and not do anything further to jeopardise it.

 
I just wanted to be fought for.
To matter enough to my best friend to not let me go without a fight.
To matter enough to just one person, to not simply give up on me.
As though I’m worthless.
Nothing.

 

I wanted to be able to live life.
I wanted my friend to wish the best for me in life.
I wanted my best friend to care whether I live or die.
For her to stop doing things that push me closer to the edge.
I felt she actually wanted me to kill myself.
I wanted this to not be true.
I wanted her to do anything to have me as her friend.
I wanted to believe I meant as much to her as she did to me.

 

Most of all I want this all to be a nightmare.
To wake up and have my best friend back.
And for none of this to have happened.
I want to be okay again.
I want to not be alone.
I want trust.
And hope.
I want peace.
And I want the pain to stop.

 

 

 

Bad Night.

Really not okay tonight. Feel too hurt to put into words. Hope I’ll be able to do so in the coming days. Having this illness sucks. Having people who were supposed to be friends, abusing your vulnerability and doing everything they can to hurt you, sucks even more. Don’t know how to feel, what to say or what to do. How to cope. Really haven’t tonight. Have to take a pill and hope I’ll fall asleep eventually. It’s almost 3am. Mind is in chaos. I’ve had enough of feeling and living at this point. I’ll reassess in the morning.

When All Is Said & Done…

When All Is Said & Done...

*Personal post, but the message behind it will be used in an upcoming post about those of us with a mental illness & the expectations we should have of our friends, and that they should have of us*

Dear ______ ,

 

Okay, I’ve reflected some more and I’ve read back the blog I removed. I understand entirely how it would’ve come across to you. I understand and accept it hurt you. It’s not ideal how I communicated my distress. Although I removed it and apologised, I cannot take it back. I appreciate that. And I guess I can see why you blame me and can’t let go of it. I would find that hard too. I spent a lot of yesterday mentally beating myself up… thinking I deserved to be abandoned by you. Thinking it was all my fault. Thinking what a terrible person I am. I know how awful it was to post my feelings ‘publicly’ like that, and I regret it.

 

That being said, I have to draw a line at that and say I’m not taking all the blame here. Whilst what I did upset you, it was as a result of things you had done that upset me… we had problems long before that. I’m not saying you deserved it. What I’m saying is that I was not of sound mind…I was isolated… having a breakdown, was suicidal almost every day. I felt neglected, rejected and a burden to you, because of the way you spoke to me and weren’t talking to me. I had paranoia, which you didn’t understand and took personally. I felt you started doing something more once you knew it hurt me. I was calling out for friendship and support, and received none. I thought you didn’t care if I lived or died. And having rejected me and having made me feel like a burden, you were then sitting back and waiting for me to get in touch with you again – that was never going to happen… it was impossible for me to do that. The ball was in your court. I needed you to make the effort. But you never would have. Had I not blogged, you would never have spoken to me again. I couldn’t speak to you. So while it was not ideal that I blogged about it, I honestly didn’t know what else to do at that point. I did what I thought was best. Even if looking back I can see it wasn’t best, in that moment it was the only thing I could think to do, to break the deadlock and try to maintain our friendship.

 

I know that backfired, but I didn’t think it would in that moment. I did it with the best intentions in the world. I did it because I didn’t want to lose you  (fear of abandonment with BPD makes you do desperate things to avoid being abandoned… some that don’t make sense), but I needed you to understand that I couldn’t get in touch with you. I admit that my words didn’t come out in the best way. And for that I am sorry. But what I need you to understand is that I was in a very desperate, dark, lonely and painful place – I was being abandoned by my one last friend… I felt I was losing everything … after all my grief and mental illness over the previous year, I was now losing my best friend. It was gut-wrenching. I was hurt. I was scared. I was paranoid and splitting – I know you don’t understand how that feels or what it means.

 

I wish you could have read that blog and rather than seeing it as an attack on you, I wish you could’ve seen the pain in my words… the loneliness and desperation. That is all I’ve ever wanted from you… for you to put yourself in my shoes and understand why I feel how I do and why I do the things I do… to know there’s no malice there whatsoever. That I’m reaching out in that way because I care, because I love you and I’m scared of losing you. But you don’t see things in that way. You don’t appreciate my emotions. You choose to see the worst in me. That’s how it feels.

 

I’ve said before, my mental illness is not an excuse …  if I hurt someone then I have to be accountable for it… and I am … I do feel remorse and I do apologise. I know that my intentions were not cruel in the slightest. I know the purpose of what I wrote. And I do know that a lot of what I said was twisted by you too. But all that being said, I accept I caused you pain and I never meant for that to happen. I’m sorry. While my mental illness is not an excuse, I hope it is an explanation. That’s all I want – I don’t want to escape responsibility when I do something wrong… but I want you to understand why I do the things I do…. I need you to know that I’m likely to make mistakes when I’m in a high state of despair and desperation. And I need you to not abandon me because of it. I need you to cut me some slack when I mess up. I need your forgiveness.

 

My paranoia had me thinking that you meant me harm. That you were trying to hurt me. That you hated me. That you were playing mind-games with me… like others have in the past. Whilst it’s not your fault that I had paranoia, you were capable of helping to ease it, by reassuring me and calming my fears. But you didn’t do this. You took offence at everything and got funny with me…. this made my paranoia worse. You did feed my paranoid thoughts. I’m not blaming you. But equally I don’t want you blaming me for having paranoia… I didn’t choose it. It’s hell to go through. My paranoia played a big part in what I blogged. I can see it in the words I chose…. that I honestly thought you were a threat to me. If you cannot understand paranoia then you will never be forgiving of what I wrote. You’ll never appreciate that what I was experiencing was not reality… but that I DIDN’T KNOW THAT. I needed you to be forgiving and understanding. And while you may not have wanted me to do it again, you needed to work with me on how we could avoid the same situation arising in the first place… I needed you to understand the part you yourself played, and to learn how to help me earlier… how to communicate better and be pro-active.

 

I needed you to learn about my illness… to show an interest in finding out how best to protect our friendship. To not blame me for being mentally ill. I was experiencing new and terrifying aspects of my illness last year… I also needed stability, consistency, and certainty, and you weren’t offering me any of those. I felt out of control, and completely alone.

 

no act (1)

 

 

While what I wrote was something I wish I hadn’t, please try and understand that it came from a place the furthest from nasty. It was a moment of desperation, using the only skills I had available to me in that moment to deal with overwhelming pain and fear. I’m not making excuses. I’m not making things up to escape accountability. I’m just saying this was my reality. I do regret it, but I didn’t feel in control of it at the time… it was not done with any true ill-feeling to you. It was done with hurt in my heart at what my sick, paranoid mind was telling me about you. It was done to try and rescue our friendship from eternal silence. I wish I’d left it there now, as the hell it unleashed has done more damage to my life than anything else I’ve ever experienced. But please try and see it from the perspective of someone afraid to lose you, and who thought we would never speak again, and realise that I would’ve been right. You were waiting for me to speak to you. You have to accept that was never going to happen. And you need to accept that’s because of the things you said to me in the previous message. You had made it so I could not approach you again, and then you were sitting back, expecting me to do just that. It was an impossible situation, and I was trying to rectify it. It just went horrifically wrong. Please have some sympathy for that, if nothing else.

 

I tried to make it up to you afterwards. I admit, I didn’t feel it was my fault. The message I got in response to my blog was hurtful, because I knew what my intentions had been, even if they didn’t shine through in my words. I’d wanted to open the lines of communication, but I had no idea they would open so harshly. I felt attacked and misunderstood. I never wanted to talk to you again. But I took time to consider things from your perspective. I understood that your words came from a place of pain, and whatever you had going on in your own life at that time…. this was all I wanted from YOU. For you to understand where my words came from. I wrote to you, to explain, to apologise, to fight for our friendship. I extended the olive branch at Christmas. I sent cards and presents, knowing full-well you probably wouldn’t do the same for me, if you believed such awful things about me. But I still made the effort (which was the level of effort I had needed from you all year but didn’t get…). The whole point was nobody would make any effort for me. All my life I’ve been the one making the effort, chasing after people, begging for care, love and friendship. You don’t know what that’s like. I needed people, particularly my friends, to give it freely… especially at a time when I needed them, like I did last year.

 

So I sent to you… and all over Christmas I was met with silence. Not a card. Not a text. Nothing. It was only a month later when I chased you up yet again, that I learnt you had not opened the presents. You hadn’t given the kids their presents. This deeply upset me. I hadn’t held our disagreement against the kids, but it seemed like you had… I’d gone to a lot of effort choosing things, making things – I don’t know if you’ve opened them now and can see that, or if you’ve done what it feels like you did anyway, and smashed the lot and burnt it… that’s what I’d do if you sent it back to me. It feels like you’ve already done that by rejecting it anyway.

 

I had tried to resolve things. I’d fought for you where you wouldn’t fight for me. I had understood the pain in your words where you refused to do that for me. I had explained my mental illness and yet you still seemed to be holding it against me.

 

10 Adoption Party Ideas

 

 

When it came to it you couldn’t decide what was best. You had said to me in your message that ‘nothing will ever be the same now’. You had talked to _____ about that and said you weren’t sure if things could ever be the same between us now…. you weren’t sure what you wanted. I accept that things wouldn’t have been the same… ever since you said they wouldn’t be, you made sure they never would be. But just because it wouldn’t be the same, it doesn’t mean a friendship couldn’t exist. You don’t just give up at the first hurdle. Look at your relationship – did you give up on it at the first argument? No. You fought for it…. because it mattered to you…. he mattered to you. Every relationship – romantic or platonic, has bumps and arguments…. you use them to make you stronger. You don’t just give up on the person. If YOU do, then it really is best you’re not in my life. I need to know people aren’t going to just up and leave when things get tough. I need that stability in my life, that I know people won’t leave me if we have a disagreement. I aired my feelings to Hannah about how something she did hurt me…. she handled it so poorly that I became afraid to address issues with friends again, in case they left me. And you’ve done just the same.

 

Do you honestly think that if I make one mistake that’s the end of the friendship? Do you know how that makes me feel? It makes me feel I don’t deserve friends. Please look at how you treated me last year, and this year actually – and realise that I still wouldn’t have given up on you. I was still there fighting for our friendship, knowing it wouldn’t be the same as before, but that you don’t just give up on someone. I may be the ‘mentally ill’ one, but I think my values are sound, and I understand the concept of ‘friendship’ better than many who don’t even have a mental illness!

 

Yes at this moment I feel far too hurt and angry with you, and in a sense I have given up on you. You have no idea what it took to get to this point though. I never gave up on you… until you blocked me. Twice. And then you removed yourself from my poetry group, just after finding out that it would hurt me if you did. I see that as malicious. There’s no good explanation for that. That was the final nail in the coffin. That’s when I feel I saw your true colours. And it was very upsetting to realise them. You probably thought I wouldn’t notice…. or maybe you hoped I would …

 

Even when I said I was taking a step back, and unfriending you, I didn’t give up on you or our friendship – I stated that. I said I was doing it for my mental health and a future friendship… I said when you were ready you could get in touch and we’d go for a coffee. But you cut off that option by blocking me. And then you claimed to have done it so I couldn’t see anything that would make me angry at you or resentful. That isn’t the truth is it? Because me unfriending you would’ve done just that. That was the point. You have a private account, as I do. There was no need to block me. The real reason you did it was to get back at me… to feel like you were the one in control. To have the power. You did it to punish me, and so that I couldn’t talk to you again. It was unnecessary, as I wasn’t going to talk to you again. I had put the ball firmly in your court for that. It was your move. You made the wrong one in blocking me. Then you doubled down on it, doing it on the old account, and removing yourself from my group. That felt spiteful. That felt like you had removed yourself from my group to get back at me for talking to _____ … like it was your only way to lash out at me.

 

At this point I don’t want you as a friend – not the way you’ve been behaving. As much as I miss our friendship, I now don’t know who you are because of what you’ve done this year. That being said, if you were to get in touch with me and apologise, and work your arse off to make it up to me for how you’ve behaved, then yes, I would consider our friendship again. I’ve only given up on it now because it seems pretty dead to me, from your behaviour. And because you’ve hurt me so much and seem to have no remorse about it. If that were to change then fine. But I don’t see it happening.

 

I understand you’re holding that blog against me. I can understand why… but at the same time I’m desperately sad that you couldn’t see the emotions and illness in the words I said. That you can’t forgive me and move past it like I tried to do with what you did to me.  You have no idea how many times I’ve had to forgive you for things in the past. I doubt you think you ever did anything wrong towards me. But I’ve always let things go for the sake of our friendship. That’s why it hurts that you gave up on me at what you see as the first hurdle. Because it’s not the first hurdle and I didn’t give up on you.

 

I will always beat myself up for that blog, thinking is that the reason I lost your friendship…. I will always think that’s why you abandoned me. It may be true. But it’s not the real reason I lost your friendship. I lost your friendship because you didn’t have compassion for the state of my mental illness. Because you weren’t there for me. Because you didn’t communicate. Because you gave up when things got hard. Because your heart just wasn’t in it. If you had truly cared about me, then no amount of difficulty would’ve stopped you fighting for us. If you were that heartbroken about losing me then you would’ve accepted my efforts to mend our friendship. You would’ve put in any amount of effort for me. The reason I don’t think you did, is because you blamed me. You were angry with me for the blog so you didn’t want to be the one to make effort for me. You didn’t think I deserved it after what I did. You thought I was nasty and intentionally hurt you. You thought I was the one who owed apologies and effort. And like a chump I did that for you, and it was all rejected. When the whole problem in the first place was your lack of effort for me. That was all I needed from you… effort. And I ended up being the one to show it, for you.

 

So I know that our friendship died through lack of effort on your part when I needed it most – when I was newly grieving after my medication wore off, and I was having a breakdown. You know, when someone has a breakdown they don’t always know what they’re doing… they don’t always make the best choices or feel in control of themselves. You need to be more forgiving of people with severe mental illnesses… we’re doing the best we can. And I tried to fix things afterwards. But no more.

 

At one point I said I didn’t blame you, and I didn’t blame myself – I blamed my mental illness. Well now I don’t. I can’t blame my illness – it’s beyond my control. I don’t blame myself. I do wish I hadn’t written that blog, but things were bad before that… so it’s not the cause of the demise of our friendship. That would be you. I was mentally ill. I couldn’t help that. You could’ve helped how you responded to that illness. One day I hope you’ll look back on the things you said and did, and realise that given the state of mind I was in, they were unhelpful and only worsened things in my mind and in our friendship. You’re not ready to see that yet. You said you didn’t blame yourself for where we were…. oh to have a clear conscience. I envy you. You continue to blame me if it makes you feel better. But blaming someone for being mentally ill is about as low as you can go. And that’s what you’re doing by holding this against me. I never took a break from our friendship. Never. I left you in peace because you had too much to think about to deal with me. I will not take on blame for being rejected by you. This was all your fault and your choices. You knew how I felt, and you chose to avoid me. You chose to tell me your priorities. You chose to not talk about things early on. You chose to react to my blog like you did. You chose to snub me at Christmas. You chose to not give the kids their Christmas presents. You chose to give up on me. You chose to block me, twice. You chose to leave my group. Your choices brought about the death of this friendship. Not me. Not my illness. Your choices. That’s why I’m hurt, and that’s why only you could ever revive this friendship, and I deserve no blame for it. I did all I could to make up for the one mistake I made while I was having a breakdown. I pushed myself through paranoia, isolation and splitting to try and sort things out with you. I chased after you on more than one occasion. And this is what you left me with. Silence. Friends don’t do that. You gave up on us. This is all on you.

 

I’m not going to spend the rest of my life blaming myself for losing you. I made a mistake during the depths of my illness. Any good friend would understand my illness and forgive me, knowing it’s not who I am. They’d understand when I push them away I need them to pull me closer… it’s then that I need love the most. Any ‘friend’ who gives up on me because of one mistake made out of desperation, paranoia and despair, a mistake I tried to make up for, was never truly my friend to begin with.

 

I always regret the bad choices I make during my BPD ‘episodes’ and my breakdowns….. self-harming at therapy…. begging and pleading with guys to help me after their behaviour made me feel unsafe…. ruining people’s days because I storm off…. degrading myself so as not to lose people I care about…. there are many things I’ve done that I wish I hadn’t. And they often replay in my head during my worst times… convincing me I don’t deserve to live as I’m that awful and pathetic… but I have to accept they are as a result of my illness. I am in extreme distress when these things happen and I need to learn not to kill myself over them. Everyone makes mistakes. My worst ones happen when I’m at my worst with my mental health. And they almost ALWAYS come from a place of love, fear or rejection. They do not come from a bad place. I know I’m not a bad person. I need friends who know that too, and remind me of the good in me. I’m sorry you weren’t that friend. Just be thankful you will never know the level of distress that drives me to do the things you think are unforgiveable. You’re lucky.

 

10 Adoption Party Ideas (1)

 

 

Now I have to face the consequences on my own. You’ve left me with nothing. It’s going to be hard to believe in myself again… or in friendship. I don’t think I ever want a friend again. I have to try and rebuild my life alone now. With no hope, no trust… nothing.

 

I may have hurt you with my blog…
But nothing hurts more than a friend who can’t see a mistake born of mental illness as just that, and holds your illness against you… using it as justification to abandon you. Nothing. This illness wasn’t my choice. I sometimes feel I’d rather die than live with this. I didn’t choose it. You chose to do the things you did, with the exception of your response to my blog – that I can understand from a place of pain. Everything else was deliberate. Your choice. Your fault. I will not be blamed for this. You destroyed me. You broke me at a time I needed my friends to help mend me. I was already broken… that was the problem… and instead of fixing me you tore me to shreds and scattered me into the wind. I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this. You gave me abandonment when all I needed was love. That’s harder to forgive than any words I could’ve said in a blog. You broke my heart.

 

We will never agree on what happened here, or who was at fault. The only difference I can see is that I was prepared to own up to my mistakes and fight for our friendship, whilst your choice was to blame me and give up.

 

If I’m wrong about you and all of this then I apologise. But I was paranoid. I was splitting. Your actions have only backed up everything I believed. You can’t blame me for my interpretation of events, when you wouldn’t communicate properly with me. If you really didn’t blame me… if you really didn’t want to lose me…. if you cared about me… if you felt guilty about your actions…. if you didn’t hate me… then you should’ve communicated that to me. By not doing so, and by ‘ghosting’ me, you communicated the opposite and affirmed my suspicions about you. I may be ill, but this is a hole you yourself have dug. Only you can get yourself out of it.

 

I will always be sorry for hurting you. That won’t change. But this is about so much more than that. You abandoned me at my lowest point. You killed our friendship. I’m very sad and hurt about that. And whilst I’m sorry for my part, I’m not the one who owes apologies or effort anymore. It’s the very least I deserve from you. I know I will never get it… but until then, you deserve my silence.

 

I wish I had mattered enough to you, to fight for us. Now I have to fight for myself and regain a shred of self-worth. I lost that and so much more when I lost you. Except I didn’t lose you…. you lost me. I hope you realise that in time.