*Language / suicide / honesty*
The stark reality is this….. NOBODY CARES.
I could fall off the face of the planet and nobody would notice, let alone be sad about it. Heck, I could speak out online about how suicidal I feel… I could tell the world I’m about to end it, and all I’ll be met with is silence.
People say to reach out to someone when you need help. That’s okay… if you’re not me. But if you’re me then nobody cares enough to say anything in response. Nobody values me or my life. Nobody would miss me. I am invisible to the world… even the ‘mental health community’ who rally round each other – I’m the outsider as I always have been everywhere I go. I don’t know what it is about me but people just do not give a shit. Whenever I’ve reached out and been honest about my mental health or the grief I’m feeling about Liv, and how utterly alone I feel….. silence. That’s all there is. I don’t exist.
When I first experienced grief two years ago, people were there in the short-term. But when my full grief kicked in, after the effects of medication wore off…. nobody there. My best friend abandoned me at the worst time of my life. And now I need her more than I ever have needed anyone, and she doesn’t give a shit. She texted me which is nice, but that’s all. Now without her and without Liv, I genuinely have nobody who cares whether I live or die, other than family. I have a great big gaping hole in my heart, and my life, and nobody to support me through that.
I am alone in grief. I am alone in life. I’ll be alone in death. I have to deal with my grief alone. While others are talking to each other and grieving together, I don’t exist. People ignore my existence. It’s like she never mattered to me or I never mattered to her. I’m left to fend for myself. I don’t even know if I’ve missed the funeral. I’m so out of the loop. And having to deal with this sort of grief – suicide – on my own, whilst being invisible to everyone… and having no close friends. I don’t want to do it. I don’t want to be here either. I want to join Liv. I might as well. There is no point in me existing anymore. There is NOTHING good left. I can’t even say, like I had all year, well I’ve got Westlife to look forward to….. I was going with Liv. Now she’s not here. I was meant to finally see her again two weeks tomorrow. I never got to give her a long overdue hug. We were so excited to be front row. Now I’m going to have to leave an empty seat, as I’ve practically gone round everyone begging them to have a free front row seat, and nobody said yes – even an offer like that people don’t want to be around me. It MUST be something wrong with me. I know the likelihood is people just couldn’t make it as they had other plans. But the last couple of weeks have been so humiliating and triggering for me. I’ve had to relive my childhood – desperately chasing for someone to be my friend and go with me. And I’ve had to face so much rejection over and over again. It’s left me feeling really quite shit about myself. And yes, I’ll be brutally honest, I’m a little angry at Liv for this… because this is what her decision left me with. The one thing that was keeping me alive, the one thing I was looking forward to with her, is now a ‘problem’ for me to solve. It’s a harsh reminder of how unbelievably isolated I am. And I know that makes me sound selfish. But since nobody else gives a fuck about me, I don’t think it really matters if I sound selfish.
This HAS affected me, badly… and there’s nobody there to talk to about it. There’s nobody who understands. There’s nobody supportive, loving, caring and committed to helping me through this traumatic loss. I can feel immense sympathy for Liv. I can be so upset that she’s gone. I can love her and miss her, and say I could never hate her. But I can still be angry about what’s happened and how it has impacted on my own mental health. Because my own mental health was already on a ledge. That’s why I was too wrapped up in my own self-pity to notice just how bad things must’ve been for Liv. Because I was struggling. And somebody taking their own life does pass it down the chain. It stops their pain, but it passes it on to someone else. It’s true.
I even had a colleague say to me not to do anything myself because of it, and I was honest with her and said it is something that has crossed my mind as a result, but that I wouldn’t put my family through that.
Liv was all I had left besides them. Everyone else pretty much leaves me feeling alone… like I don’t matter… like I don’t exist…. like I’m a nuisance and a burden. She was the only one who noticed, cared and believed in me. She’s the only one who never let me down. She was my rock. And now she’s gone.
Life is rapidly taking away my rocks. Losing family members, losing my best friend, losing Liv.
When I think about how I feel I have an image in my head. I don’t picture ending my life. It’s already ended. I see me lying there paralysed…. broken… no willpower to move… with destruction all around me…. like I’ve just thrown myself off a cliff or out of a window and there’s debris everywhere. I’m not moving. And the most notable thing about this image…… there’s nobody to be seen. People are walking past as though I’m not there. As though nothing happened. I’m lying there, dead for all anyone knows, and I’m still invisible. This is how I feel on the inside. I feel I’m already dead. And nobody gives a shit. Life goes on. I don’t want it to.
Two weeks tomorrow was meant to be the happiest day of my life so far… a dream come true…. it’s anything but now. I am living in a nightmare that only keeps getting worse. If losing my granddad wasn’t bad enough and real and painful enough…. then having my breakdown at therapy…. then withdrawing last year, feeling suicidal every day, and ultimately being hurt and abandoned by the person I trusted most…. and now Liv is gone. All the old friends I used to have are carrying on happily without me, and I’m left broken by them all. And I hear the words ‘we wouldn’t want anything like that to happen to you’…. it’s just words. It means nothing when it’s coming from the very people who put me on that ledge in the first place. The people who neglected me and abandoned me and hurt me so much, that I didn’t want to live anymore…. this was BEFORE Liv took her own life. I wanted to die before she DID. And people can say all they want that Liv wouldn’t want me to follow her…. but she went. She set the example. So I don’t want people telling me what Liv would and wouldn’t want for me, when she made that choice for herself. I’m not saying I’m about to do something, but I seriously am feeling why the hell shouldn’t I….?! I have every reason to not be here anymore. I have nothing to live for… other than to not hurt my family.
Liv left me all alone. Again I might sound selfish, but someone choosing to end their life is effectively an abandonment, and when you have what I have, it’s the one thing you find it hard to cope with. And I’ve had a fuck-load of it in the last few years. Seeing Westlife wasn’t enough for her to stick around. Seeing me wasn’t enough for her to stick around. All the other good things going on for her were not enough to stick around. I understand the demons won. But it’s hard not to take it personally and feel like you’ve been rejected…. to not feel worthless… to not feel like she didn’t care enough about you not to leave you with nothing and nobody.
I’m not happy that I’m having to write these things. I’m devastated that there’s a need in the first place. People ask me what I want to do about the concert – do I want to sell the ticket, give it to someone who knew her, leave an empty seat…. blah blah blah…. no. What I WANT is for Liv to still be alive. What I WANT is to have not lost my best friend from my life too. What I WANT is for none of this to be real. But I can’t have that can I? This is reality. A reality I do not want. I have nothing left to pull me through this.
When my group of friends betrayed and abandoned me in 2012, I had my best friend and then my Godchildren to keep me going. When I lost my best friend & Godchildren, Liv was one of the only ones there…. now I’ve lost Liv and there’s nobody and nothing left. Not anyone who can reach me on a deeper level. Everyone else is a more recent friend / acquaintance. I don’t really register on their radars. The two people I’ve lost this year are my two oldest friends – I don’t know who I knew the longest, but I knew them both for over 12 years of my life. Everyone else I pretty much only met in the last couple of years.
So yeah, I’ve had three major losses in two years. And I have nobody to help me through it. I don’t have online support… professional support… honestly nobody cares how I feel or what happens to me.
I know Liv wouldn’t have wanted me to feel this isolated. She wouldn’t have wanted me to feel out of the loop and forgotten like this. But I am. I don’t matter to anyone. I never did. I never will. And the only person who ever made me feel that these facts weren’t true, was Liv. Liv who is no more. I really do give up on life. I feel dead to it now.
I spent most of last year feeling detached from reality and disconnected from everyone and everything. I didn’t want to be here. In the last handful of months I tried my best to push through it all and open up to people again. I tried to reconnect to life. But now Liv has ended her life I don’t have a life left. I’ve never felt more disconnected. And I don’t feel I can come back from it this time. Life will never feel the same again. I am honestly dead inside. There is no light left. Sometimes we need others to be that light for us – people that really know us and really care about us… people we can trust…. I don’t have that with anyone. I have nobody offering me their light. Not people I know. I feel desperately alone, painfully ill in my mind, and completely hopeless. I feel paralysed with pain and depression. Nobody can know how it feels to be me right now. My life has become one big tragedy. And even if it’s not right now, I know how my story ends…