*All the usual warnings*
Today was a tough one…. saw my doctor. Talked about how everything is at the moment… how detached I’m feeling from everything I do. That I’m putting on a front to hide how I’m really feeling. I have nobody to talk to about anything now. I talked about how pointless everything feels. That I’m just going through the motions and doing things that people expect of me, but with no attachment to it.
After talking about the losses I’ve had this year she asked who I’d say is my closest friend now. Can you imagine how painful that question is? How depressing it is to shrug, shake your head and say ‘the people I work with’… I don’t have friends now. I told her how all last year that was the problem, I FELT as though I didn’t have friends – that clearly pushed away any I DID have. Now I genuinely do not have friends. I mean close friends. I have acquaintance-type friends. I told her how after what my best friend was like with me, I’ll never be close to anyone again. I’ll never trust anyone again. I said that no matter if I formed a ‘friendship’ with someone new, it will never compare to the ones I’ve lost this year. I said I’m focusing too much on what I’ve lost. I do understand that. It’s hard not to, when you feel you’re losing everything around you.
I almost cried a couple of times. I talked about the pressure I feel… how it feels so much heavier than usual. That I feel people’s expectations of me are too high, even if they’re not. I feel too much pressure to do things, and to be a certain way. I feel so misunderstood and alone.
She thinks I feel detached as a form of protection. I don’t know. All I know is it’s scary and upsetting, as it feels like the prelude to doing something permanent. It feels like not caring. It feels like distancing myself from attachment, in preparation for letting go of everyone and everything. I feel everything is pointless because I’m ultimately going to follow the path of my friend who ended her life.
My head feels chaotic. I popped in to see my colleagues afterwards. I told them how overwhelmed I am by everything. That my mind can’t catch up with itself and that’s why I forget things, make mistakes, I’m clumsy and can’t cope with the tiniest of things. I admitted I’m worried about being the only one in next month, as a couple of them are off. It means working with someone I don’t particularly get on with. Someone who doesn’t know about my struggles. I feel pressure to be in, as nobody else will be. What if I can’t cope and have a meltdown? There’s too much pressure and expectation on me. I’m hoping after a couple of weeks off myself I might feel better about this, but I doubt it.
Life is seriously like… my body forcing me to do things…. physically being there and going through the motions, and my heart and my mind are inside, screaming, pulling at me and begging me to stop. That’s how it feels. My heart doesn’t want to go on. My mind wants everything to stop. But my damn body, the outside… the mask I show everyone, doesn’t want to disappoint / worry / burden anyone, and thinks nobody will understand if I don’t soldier on. So it forces me through hoops to appear normal. To appear strong. But inside, my soul is crying and desperate for a break… for peace… for the end. That’s why I can’t connect to everything around me. My heart’s not in it. My mind’s not in it. I’m physically there, but mentally and emotionally I’m in a ball in the corner, wishing not to exist. Wishing none of this was real.
This is all so difficult. And having nobody to talk to about it all makes it so much worse. I’m trying to do positive things. I contacted the Wellbeing Centre, I’ve started my charity walk, I’ve even taken up knitting again…. but none of these things are going to make me better. Nothing can. I can never get better, because I have lost the two longest friendships I had this year, in two very different yet very traumatic ways. Nothing can fix or change that. Nothing can fix me. Nothing can take away the anger I feel at my former best friend for ditching me and treating me so poorly. Nothing can bring my other friend back to life. Nothing will give me answers as to why these two things happened. Nothing can change the pattern of my life – that people abandon me and I never understand why. Nothing can erase the past. Nothing can reconnect me to this world again. I don’t believe I can ever recover. There really is no hope. People will tell me there is, but I don’t feel it. I don’t see it. I don’t believe it. This world is just too much for someone like me. I can’t face it alone, but that seems to be my destiny.
I’m just so tired of being here. I’m sick of feeling. I’ve had enough of everything. I want to forget everything. I can’t go on without forgetting everything that’s been and gone. Once upon a time there was help for people like me. Now I have nowhere to turn. What do you do… who do you turn to when you no longer feel a part of this world, can’t go on in it, and can’t see recovery? There’s nobody. All these services out there are ‘recovery-based’. You have to want to get better. I am beyond that now. I can’t see a future. I can’t see recovery. If I can’t see it how can I believe in it, and work towards it? I need better help than that. I just want someone to listen and understand how broken I am. I don’t want them to tell me it gets better. I don’t want them saying it’s normal and we all feel that way. I don’t want them saying I have to put the work in if I want to recover. I know that. For so many years I put so much work in, but it’s the world around me that pissed all over my efforts. It’s this world and this life that undid everything I worked for. It’s the people in it who broke me to my core. Tell me how I’m expected to put in any more work to help myself, when this fucking world is trying to destroy me…?! What is the point??
Mental health professionals are supposed to help you. They used to. Now they expect you to help yourself. That’s the core message they send out. So I’m a lost cause then? If I’m at a point I can’t help myself because I am in total darkness… what then? I just want someone to …. I don’t even know the end of that sentence. Because the truth is I could say I want someone to make me want to live again. But with the trauma of everything I can’t live. I cannot see any scenario where I would feel happy again. Where I’d feel loved. Where I’d feel safe again. Anything I had and believed in has been violently ripped away from me. No therapy and no pill could help me now. That’s how bad I feel. I wish there was some treatment that would save me, but there isn’t. Because no matter what, I have to live with this mind, these memories, this pain and this loneliness forever. The scars I have inside are so much deeper, so much worse than the ones on my arm. Nothing can heal those. I’d say ‘prove me wrong’, but I think without my belief, nothing will work… and the trouble is I believe in nothing anymore. So it’s hopeless.
Feels dark today. Just trying to get through each moment. Having to tolerate a lot of unbearable thoughts and feelings lately. I wish they’d all stop. I just want to be me again.