First of all I want to wish everyone a Happy New Year. I hope 2020 is a wonderful year for you all. Thank you so much to everyone who follows my blog, reads it, comments etc. – it all means a lot to me, especially the supportive comments I’ve had in the last year or so… I apologise for not responding to many of them… I’ve kind of closed down when it comes to conversation and offers of help. I’m not used to it, so I don’t know what to say anymore. But please know how much I value the continued support – it really does help.
I haven’t blogged in a while. I’ve been trying to quietly survive this horrible thing that is life. I’m unsure which way things will go for me now, but I’m trying my best to endure all the pain and loneliness, however uncomfortable I feel with it all. I figure that’s what life has to be for me from now on…. sitting with uncomfortable emotions constantly… tolerating each moment until the inevitable end.
Sorry, I’m not very jolly at the moment. I got through Christmas but the truth is I find the New Year harder. Always have. And with the state of things now it’s even worse. My friend Liv lost her battle with her mental health in 2019…. I should be glad to see the end of this year… but I feel differently about it. It’s like another loss… she lived in this year…. she won’t next year. 2020 will be a year that she never touched. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I’m struggling with my grief right now.
It’s all ‘Happy New Year!’ and fresh starts etc…. there is no fresh start for me. I don’t want one. All I want is the life I used to have before I lost everyone. All there is, is a continuation of how I am now. All I have is ‘life goes on’… indeed it does … that’s the worst part for me. Life going on without Liv. Life has done that for nearly eight months now, and I still can’t accept I’ll never talk to her again. She was a very quiet person, but the world feels so much quieter without her. Or maybe I am. I think it’s silenced me. It’s paralysed me mentally. Anything I feel inside no longer shows on the outside. Nobody knows how I feel. They don’t know how close to the edge I am.
Everything is happening in a blur around me. Everything is dark, dull, heavy, lifeless, unreal yet at the same time it’s too vivid, too sharp, too real. Me and life are two separate entities. I’m an outsider looking in… seeing life happen, in a warm, inclusive, jolly … unity – something I can never be a part of again. After all, who would welcome in someone as broken as this? I was a virtual outcast before Liv took her life. I had been abandoned by pretty much anyone I considered a friend. Liv was the only one I had left. I had people I saw more than I saw Liv. We didn’t live that close to each other. But I knew her at least thirteen years. She was a true friend. The best friend I ever had. There was not a single bad thing I could say about her. We never fell out. She always had my back. She never left me feeling invisible. She believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself. She was always there. I will never find anyone as wonderful as she was. And now she’s gone. Forever.
Now it’s the middle of winter, and I’m on the outside of a warm get-together, full of laughter, friendship, love. I’m out in the snow, peering through the window, being forgotten… wondering how everyone else can carry on… I watch them… envious of those who ‘belong’ in this world… those who have friends and can find even a shred of happiness at this time… I hold my face close to the window and watch life happening… but my breath fogs up the glass and it all becomes hazy. Still the sound of ‘life’ can be heard from within. I reflect on the days I felt I belonged here. The days I could live in this world. It didn’t last long…
Funnily enough most of my good days happened in this decade we’re about to leave. But so did my worst. Which brings me to a round-up of the last ten years…. the highlights, and of course I must honour the low points too… they’ve brought me to this moment.
- I had a group of friends for the first couple of years of the decade. Those were the times I felt I belonged somewhere. We had some really good times together. My confidence grew as a result. I was ‘pool champion’. We spent a lot of time together. I even tried karaoke! (Never again!!).
- I really got into my fossil hunting holidays and had some great finds.
- I met Westlife on their ‘last’ London show in 2012.
- I’ve since seen them reunite and was in the front row for their London show this year. The first time in the front row!
- I went to France – saw Notre Dame, the Arc de Triomphe, Sacre Coeur, the Eiffel Tower etc.
- My brother got married.
- I got to see my best friend get married & was her bridesmaid.
- Also went through the experience of motherhood with her. Became Godmother to her two beautiful children and watched them grow … at least up until the ages of two and four. I was so proud of them. They were everything to me.
- I tried out rollerskating, and discovered it’s not for me – I prefer to keep my feet on the ground. Still have an injury that flares up from falling over.
- Saw the filming of Broadchurch whilst on a daytrip to West Bay.
- Saw Take That in my hometown this year, for the first time.
- Saw Boyzone a couple of times too – their last tour this year.
- Saw Little Mix near where I live.
- Shane Filan tours.
- Ben Montague gigs – especially fun having the studio gig with a group of us.
- The Band musical. Sound of Music. The Nutcracker / Swan Lake On Ice.
- Comedy shows – Michael McIntyre and Ross Noble being the best.
- Did the Race For Life a couple of times.
- A few charity events including DeChox for the British Heart Foundation, walking 50 miles in 50 days for Parkinson’s, and other events for this – where with the help of my dad’s colleagues one time, I managed to raise over £300 for Parkinson’s. Also did the Samarathon this year in memory of Liv, to try and raise money for Samaritans, but nobody sponsored me, so that’s a bad point really, but at least I thought to do it, and it motivated me to walk and to keep going in life… for a while.
- Reduced my medication this year. Not a lot, but it’s a step forward.
- Went to the Harry Potter studio tour as a Christmas present. Great day.
- My little boys – the gerbils… bonded with them and looked after them several times. Happy to handle animals more now.
- Started a blog!!
- Got into politics! Even just this year alone, I went to the Leave Means Leave rally in Parliament Square – great day out – brilliant atmosphere – not at all how it was reported by biased media and lying Remainers. Oh yes, and I managed to not get hit by the moped undertaking traffic near the London Eye – that would’ve been a bad start to that day. I voted Brexit Party for the European elections… chose the Conservative leader and voted for them. Survived all the bullying and hate from the left and stuck by my beliefs. Good will win in the end. We’re on our way to all the wrongs being righted.
- This year I taught myself to solve a Rubik’s Cube – and got my time down from over 15 minutes, to around 3 minutes.
- I learnt to make marmalade with my nan this year.
- I learnt to knit and got into cross-stitch.
- I gave up chocolate for Lent a few years in a row.
- Got over my fear of dogs, by befriending a Rottweiler!
- Stepped out of my comfort zone, joining online dating site, met someone from there – wasn’t a match. Kissed a stranger at the new year one year… see it as a bad thing actually – it wasn’t a good thing – he was not my type, but just went with the atmosphere and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable with new situations. Regardless of these things I stuck to my morals and beliefs, and am happy with my relationship status going into 2020. Love will wait.
- I finally got over a guy who didn’t treat me right. Took too many years, but I got there!
- Took part in poetry competitions and had my poems in some books. Was a rip-off so stopped eventually, but felt like an achievement at the time.
- Had a couple of wisdom teeth out under General Anaesthetic and got through the trauma of it.
- Phoned the Samaritans three times in the last two years. Was difficult to do.
- Asked for help and went to the hospital after self-harming at therapy. Sounds like a negative, but took a lot of courage to do it.
- I finally got round to meeting Liv in person. ❤
- The next time I did so, was of course tragic, but it held with it an achievement – I went all the way to Brighton on my own to the funeral… somewhere I’d never been, and I found my way to the crematorium just in time.
- Started volunteering in a charity shop – found a place to ‘belong’… may have lost that a bit in the last couple of years, and probably time to move on, but picked up some skills from doing it. Made me feel human.
- Sought help for my mental health – had CMHT assessment, was rejected and sent to Wellbeing Centre, but happy to jump through those hoops for now. Might be the only thing to save me.
- I’ve booked up my tickets to see Westlife near where I live next year, and also at Wembley Stadium on my birthday too. Plus going to see Riverdance next year, and also Queen & Adam Lambert, which I’m looking forward to, as I’ve never seen them before.
This decade has certainly challenged me. It’s tested me in ways I could never have imagined. It was “character-building”.
There have been far too many negatives, but I’ll just name a few of them… I want the positives to take centre-stage.
- Had my life turned upside down by a compulsive liar.
- Had my emotions messed about by a guy who was only interested in his ego.
- Lost all of my friends – one betrayed me and took the guy I liked, one turned into a bully, one gave up on me when I was ill and grieving… though I’m starting to understand that situation more now.
- Liv took her own life, five weeks before I was supposed to finally see her again.
- My granddad got ill and eventually passed away.
- Other family / family health issues that I won’t go into.
- A couple of pretty bad breakdowns – one in therapy, one in France, one this year.
- My own health issues (but got treated for it successfully).
- Another of my friends passed away in 2012, and two colleagues passed away this year from cancer.
- I lost my Godchildren from my life.
These are just some of the worst aspects of the last decade. ‘Life’ really did happen to me in these years. Most of the bad things and the lessons learnt from them happened in the last three years.
This year has been challenging. I am feeling pretty hopeless, despondent and broken at the moment. Today isn’t a good day. It never is for me. The thought of having my discussion group at the Wellbeing Centre this morning was all that got me through Christmas and made me think I could survive the New Year too. But they never responded or confirmed it was on today, so I didn’t go. The one day I really needed that branch of support and everyone else probably went to it, but nobody told me about it. So I now have to get through tonight, get through a whole other week before I can talk about how awful things are right now.
I’m triggered and reminded of my IAPT experiences, because they never responded to me either. They never did the things they said they would. So this year is ending on a negative note. A very negative one. I already have trust issues with mental health services. They’ve blown it already. Splitting on them now. I really needed their support today, and I just got forgotten instead. What a time for that to happen…
There’s nothing ‘new’ about the New Year. Things will never change for me. I’m always invisible. I’m always left out of the loop. My mind assumes why that is and that people don’t want me around. That I wasn’t told about the group today because they didn’t want me there. Mental health workers should be given better work phones as they don’t ever seem to work when I contact them. It’s ridiculous and they have no idea how much this has triggered me. My mind is too sick to recover, because even mental health services mess it up and feed into my paranoia and self-worth issues. I can’t win. So happy Tuesday people. Wednesday will be just the same as today. Please can this all be over now? I’m not strong enough for any of this.
Sorry, this ended up differently to where it started. Wrote the first part yesterday, but today has seriously messed me up. Going to take my emergency meds today / tonight and try to just survive it. Then I’ll either have it out with them or consider whether I want to put myself through all this heartache again.
If you can enjoy the New Year then do, but if you can’t then stay safe, and hopefully talk to you on the other side. A new decade. I hope yours will be better than mine looks to be. All the best xxxx