Tuesday Journal – 24/03/20

As I said, I will write every Tuesday to keep a record of each week, like I would be doing at the Wellbeing Centre if I was still able to go. So this will be today’s but first of all what I would’ve written last week if it wasn’t cancelled.

 

Tuesday 17/03/20

 

Things I am grateful for:

  • My favourite season – Spring. Used to go for my walks in the evening as it’s lighter now and not too cold or too hot.
  • Westlife – keeps that connection for me with Liv. Anytime I listen to their music or watch their DVDs like the one that came out on Friday, I feel she’s here with me.
  • Blogging. A way of coping with my feelings. Expressing my thoughts. Enjoying working on the poetry blog.
  • Memory loss! A perk to memory loss is coming across old poems I wrote, having no memory of writing them or what they were in response to, and thinking ‘that’s pretty good… wonder who wrote that….’ – nice surprise when I realise it was me!

 

What I struggled with: 

  • Everything….. carrying on…. ‘adulting’ – I’ve gone backwards after talking last week. Thought I’d turned a corner but it was a dead end. Stopped doing everything again. Feel like a weak, wounded, vulnerable, broken little girl on her knees after pleading for help and being dismissed.

What I learnt from it:

  • Not much. That I have to just look after myself. That it’s my lot in life to beg to have my needs met, and to be rejected at every turn. This is all I’m worth. And all I’ll ever get. Nothing positive this week really.

 

Things I achieved:

  • Forced myself out for a 6 mile walk on Thursday.
  • Joined in on BPDChat on Twitter.
  • Survived.

 

 


 

Tuesday 24/03/20

 

Things I am grateful for:

  • That I attended the Wellbeing Centre when I did, so I found inspiration to set goals, think more positively and have more hobbies to keep me busy during lockdown.
  •  The ability to switch my mind off from the news etc. … some aren’t lucky enough to be able to do that.
  • Family.

 

What I struggled with:

  • A fair few things. Obviously my emotions in response to the groups being cancelled. But got through the initial devastation of that. So I’d probably say comfort eating and letting go of the walking, due to the Coronavirus stuff and feeling under the weather myself. Put on weight. Really craving chocolate at the moment, but got three weeks still until I can eat it. So trying to fill the void of that chocolate comfort I’m craving…. nothing seems to satisfy it though.

What I learnt from it:

  • I’m obviously wanting to comfort eat for a reason. I need to reflect on the deeper reason and try and meet the need in a way that doesn’t involve binge-eating. Find comfort in something else – like exercise, crochet or writing.
  • Not to beat myself up too much for it. It’s a stressful and upsetting time.
  • I may have put weight on and stopped walking, but I can start again from here.

 

Things I achieved:

  • Another 6 mile walk yesterday.
  • Made a crochet flower for my nan.
  • Phoned an elderly friend who’s isolating.

 

 

 

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