Tuesday Journal: 31/03/20

Things I’m grateful for:

  • Wii games to keep my mind occupied and have fun in lockdown.
  • The photo challenges set on Twitter – gives me something to look forward to and to think about.
  •  The things people come up with to keep others entertained online – that sense of humour, fun and kindness people are showing each other.
  • Crochet. Obsessive about it again at the moment.

 

What I struggled with:

  • Feeling alone. Feeling invisible. Ignored. Nobody talks to me. I struggle to talk to others when they offer. I’m trapped. Wanted to talk to someone in my life about everything I’ve been going through. It was put off and now I feel unable to ask to talk to them again. So feel totally alone with how I’m feeling.

What I learnt from it:

  • Sorry, but nothing. I’ve learnt what I already knew. I’m nothing. I’m irrelevant. Nobody cares. I AM invisible. And I’m so messed up too, as other people offer to be there, and I just can’t talk to them. I can’t reach out. I can’t keep communication going. I’ve shut down again. I don’t know the way out of this. Going to the Wellbeing Centre helped me. I might not go there for another six months now. How the hell am I going to get through this on my own, in my own head, unable to communicate or be noticed? I can’t do this.

 

What I achieved:

  • Set up Skype to keep in touch with family.
  • Finally phoned my friend who lives alone & is in her 70s.
  • Faced my anxiety and did the shopping. Was scary. Don’t want to do it often.
  • Finished my 25 miles walking for March and signed up for April, even though it’s only 5 miles to start with – will increase it depending on how much we’re allowed out etc.
  • Managed to get through the last two weeks without doing anything to myself. Urges are there, and I’m sure it’ll happen at some point. But two weeks is good for me… considering everything.

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