I Grieve Alone.

*Suicide theme*
*Swearing – rant*

 

 

So yesterday was the first birthday of the most wonderful friend I ever had, since she ended her life last year. It was a very difficult time for me. I stupidly reached out online, to tell the world I was struggling with it. Can you guess what happened? The same as what always happens for me….. silence. I was ignored. I was invisible. My pain went unnoticed.

 

At a time when I’m feeling trapped in isolation, I needed people to give a damn for once. But they seriously don’t and never will. When I had my group at the Wellbeing Centre, I cared less about these neglectful online people. But now with this lockdown crap I have no other support. I needed the online support. I’m more aware of how utterly alone I am and how little I am valued by people who should care, and the wider population in general.

 

I can understand all my usual bumph being ignored like it is. But grief?? Seriously?? Everyone knows how it feels to lose someone. How hard is it to send a thoughtful, kind and supportive message to say you’re thinking of someone?

 

I get that there’s the possibility that seeing someone’s grief might tap into your own, and bring you pain… so you would want to avoid that. But I’m not asking for someone to lean on. I’m not asking for someone to talk to. I just needed a damn bit of compassion. To have my grief noticed. To hear ‘I’m thinking of you today’. That’s all. For fuck’s sake… if that’s asking too much then I obviously really don’t deserve to live in this fucking world.

 

This is nothing new to me. Anytime there’s an anniversary date, or a birthday, I write in the hope someone will hear me and validate my pain and respect the person in question by reaching back to me, to show they see the importance of that person to me…. every time I’m left on my damn own… the silence showing me how little I mean to everyone and how unimportant the person I lost was. It’s fucking rude and disrespectful.

 

Other people get support at times like this. I even give support to people. Even if I can’t say anything more than ‘Thinking of you’, I still do it, because it matters more than you’d think. To witness someone’s grief and stay silent, leaving them totally alone and unsupported is about the worst fucking thing you can do… especially to someone with serious mental illness… and especially at a time when isolation is putting a strain on people.

 

Do you know, the only person who ever really supported me in my previous grief, was the person who is no longer here and who I was grieving yesterday……. she would send her thoughts to me…. she’d tell me to be gentle with myself… she’d recognise how painful certain times can be. She guided me through my first case of grief. Now there’s nobody there to guide me through this traumatic loss of her.

 

I don’t have friends. She took her life. The other one abandoned me. After that there was nobody else. People don’t seem to understand how much I relied on little words of support from them…. I relied on the ‘acquaintances’ because I had nobody else. Their kindness would have made such a difference. Their silence was and always is destructive.

 

Things to say to someone who is grieving, without having to take on their feelings:

  •  I’m thinking of you.
  •  I’m sorry you’re in so much pain.
  •  I can see this is painful for you. I wish I could take the hurt away.
  •  I can see how much they mattered to you.
  •  They’d be so proud of you for carrying on.
  •  You’re not on your own. I’m here for you.
  •  I care about you.
  •  Be gentle with yourself.
  •  Sending you love today.
  • They’ll never be forgotten.
  •  They were a special person.
  • Wishing you the best today.

 

I could go on…. but you get the idea….. words. Actual words make a difference. They say ‘I see you…. I understand…. you’re not alone and worthless… this person mattered…. so do you’. Other people get it from each other. As usual I’m left on the floor begging for things like this and still being denied them. Doesn’t matter if it’s people who know me (Facebook), or people who don’t (Twitter)…. it doesn’t matter how privately (Facebook) or publicly (Twitter) I share my feelings of grief and sadness, the result is the same….. nothing. The most anyone will ever do for me now is ‘like’ my posts. And that’s a miracle if they do that!

 

The only time I communicate with others is when I pretend everything’s fine. When I focus on things like photography on Twitter. So that’s what I’m going to do from now on. Pretend I’m not grieving. Pretend I don’t have a mental illness. Pretend I don’t want to kill myself again now. Pretend, pretend, pretend. Fake smile. Fake positivity. Clam up and never talk about my feelings again. Nothing is worse than opening up about your most inner feelings and hearing only silence in response. Nothing.

 

So I am on my own with the pain, the sadness, the loss, and everything that comes with all of that. I’ll be one of those statistics…. where ‘nobody saw it coming’… because I put on an act. I pretend I’m fine, because nobody cares when I’m not. So I will focus on the good. I’ll pretend nothing is wrong. They’ll never see it coming. One day I’ll just disappear from the world and if they even notice, they’ll wonder why I never said anything or reached out for help. They won’t realise the amount of times I did, and was met with frosty silence. They’ll never understand it was their doing.

 

No it’s not imminent, but yes I’m back to believing I will die by my own hand, eventually. It feels certain again. During this lockdown people are probably fearing the virus and thinking that will kill a lot of people. It won’t be the virus that kills people like me, it will be our mental health. It will be the isolation and the hurtful lack of care from others during this time. It’ll be our own minds. I’ve gone a long way backwards since losing my group. I can’t see myself getting back to where I was. It’s all so hopeless right now.

 

Yesterday was Liv’s birthday. Next month will be the first anniversary of her death. People will support each other in the mental health community. Nobody will support me. I’m a nobody. I dread next month. I will probably opt for staying offline… that way I won’t see everyone supporting each other and mentioning it. And I won’t have to face the pain of reaching out and not being noticed. It’s better to keep it all to myself.

 

I had hoped to reach out for bereavement counselling before these two dates, but this damn Coronavirus thing cocked that right up didn’t it. It’s too late now. I needed the support before, to be able to cope with it on my own. But never mind. Just got to try and survive it now, in silence. Nobody wants to hear my grief. That’s what I’ve come to realise. People don’t care. They don’t want to know. It’s probably a case of ‘we all experience it…. suck it up buttercup’. But if we all experience it, then why not show a bit of human warmth and compassion when someone speaks out about their suffering? That’s the bit I don’t understand. If I knew how upsetting something can be, and I saw someone else experiencing it, I would reach out to them to let them know they’re not alone. Why won’t anyone do that for me? The answer always comes back to…. because it’s me. Because I’m worthless. Because they all want to neglect me to my death. It has to be. The way people treat me, or rather don’t treat me…. consistently…. as a larger society…. the only thing they all ever communicate to me is my irrelevance and their desire to see me dead. Otherwise they’d speak to me. They’d make an effort. They’d care.

 

I know everyone has a lot to think about right now with this pandemic, but it would be nice if they could not entirely forget those who need them. You see all these posts about reaching out for help…. or checking in with your friends etc. – I reach out = silence. I have no friends to check in on me. Nobody else will check in on me. I’m a casualty in all this. I’m the forgotten one. And nothing I do will change this fact. It doesn’t matter how loudly I scream… it doesn’t matter how many times I tell people what I need from them…. it doesn’t matter what I do – I could post a video of me with a knife to my own throat – these people will never care, never support and never reach out to me. I will die alone without any one of them giving a damn. This is not depression speaking. This is not my mental illness tricking me into thinking nobody cares. This is consistent evidence that they don’t. And I’m powerless to do anything about it. You can’t make people care. Not without being controlling and manipulative. And I am neither of those things. So I just have to accept I will never matter to anyone. My grief will never matter to anyone. My illness will never matter to anyone. I could literally have a terminal physical illness and these people still wouldn’t talk to me. That’s how worthless I am in this world. Why the fuck am I here? I give up.

 

I miss you Liv. I wish you were still here. You’re the only one who ever cared about me. Now nobody does. To be honest right now I don’t even want anyone else – I just want you back. Without you nothing else matters anymore. But I’ll see you again, in time. It’s just a question of when. Until then I live this nightmare I’d started to escape before the pandemic. I speak into the void, talk to myself and matter to no-one. I’m done with this world and the people in it. Life just isn’t for everyone. You’re always in my heart Liv… until we meet again xx

 

 

 

 

 

 

Coronavirus & My Mental Health.

It’s a concerning time for everyone right now, with Coronavirus (COVID-19) spreading across the world. Many countries are going into lockdown and confining people to their homes. In the UK people are panic-buying toilet roll, hand gel and paracetamol, and leaving the shelves bare of many other things too.

 

Many events are being cancelled. Social distancing means appointments are being cancelled as well as groups. People are working from home. Social gatherings are being banned. Restaurants are closing their seating areas and becoming takeaways. Schools are closing until further notice. Pubs, clubs, theatres, zoos are closing. We are now effectively in lockdown and can only leave our homes for essential shopping, medical reasons, work or exercise. Groups will be dispersed. People may be fined for ignoring these rules. Initially this is three weeks, but will be much longer no doubt. It’s worrying times.

 

I want to tell you about my own personal worries and how this is impacting my mental health. I really feel for everyone out there right now, who has a mental health condition and is facing the prospect of months of isolation, with no support. I’m with you.

 

Last Tuesday my peer support group got cancelled for the foreseeable future. It hit me really hard for so many reasons. I don’t have friends anymore. That group was the only support I had… socially. They were my only contact with actual human beings outside of my house.

 

In the year or two prior to attending the Wellbeing Centre, I had isolated myself. I didn’t leave the house. I didn’t talk to anyone, besides family. I didn’t have hobbies. I didn’t have goals. Things were incredibly bleak and black. I was on the verge of ending my life. I obsessed about it daily. I felt certain it would happen in the next six months or so. So attending the Centre has helped me tremendously….

 

I felt human again, after being out of contact with other humans for so long. The journals we keep in the sessions helped me to look at things more positively. I found more gratitude. I recognised my achievements. I started wanting to achieve more. This year I’ve signed up each month to walk 25 miles… trying to collect medals for my efforts. I’ve also got back into hobbies such as drawing and poetry. I’ve taken up new ones, like crochet – that’s helped me so much. I love learning all about it. I looked forward to seeing everyone and being able to talk about things with someone. So losing all of that now, it’s really upsetting.

 

It’s made worse by the feelings and I guess a form of attachment I have to one of those taking the group. I’ve battled so hard with that this year, secretly (other than writing about it on here). I’ve talked to the Centre about it. Unfortunately things weren’t left on a great note, as after the last session I had a conversation that sent me backwards in my recovery. I also think I upset the person I have the attachment to, and so didn’t get a chance to apologise for it. (This has changed since writing this – he’s reassured me he wasn’t offended and I’d just misinterpreted his comment…. so that’s okay, even though I wasn’t basing my belief on what he said but rather his body language… so I don’t believe him, but at least that’s ‘resolved’).

 

But now I don’t know if / when I might see him again. I already dreaded losing him one day down the line. But I knew it wouldn’t be just yet. I wanted to focus on the time I had with him rather than thinking about the inevitable loss… but with everything closing down for God knows how long, I’m forced into a ‘loss’ situation with him. I have a sense of grief for being without him. And worse than that I fear for him… I worry something might happen to him. And I worry I won’t get to see him again. I feel silly for caring about him. He’s not mine to worry about. But I do. And I can’t keep him safe. I have no control over if he’ll be okay or not. I won’t even know if he’s not okay. And I miss him already. The thought of weeks or months without him feels unbearable. I wasn’t ready for this. It feels like a darkness that will never end. It takes me to a place I’m scared of.

 

He brought the light back into my life. Even a three week break was too much for me. The light faded. It’s gone again. I fear it won’t ever return. At least I knew after three weeks I’d see him again… now I don’t know when it’ll be. This will be longer than three weeks, I’m sure of it. Without seeing him, having contact with others, or having any friends to talk to during isolation… I don’t see how to survive it. I won’t be the same person at the other end. I know that for sure.

 

I had just started making progress, which unfortunately got ruined a bit last time, but this is going to take me back to square one. It’s the not knowing when it’ll end or what life will be like afterwards… who’ll still be standing. It’s terrifying.

 

Not only that but the three year anniversary of losing my granddad was this weekend just gone, and I needed that support from the group. I needed to go last week and this week. Because nobody supports me online. I’m invisible to everyone online. And I have no friends. So that’s all I had. Also in a couple of months it’ll be the first anniversary of my friend’s suicide. Again, I have no support with that. Nobody talks to me. I needed to know I had the group to hear me. I’ll be all alone with these difficult dates. I’m highly aware of all the loss I’ve faced in the last few years…. and now there’s more loss, of the group and the person I care for.

 

It’s highly likely that every event I had booked up last year, to keep me alive this year will also be cancelled. I’ve got the theatre next month…. was going to see Queen in June and Westlife in July and August – was going to actually see them on my birthday this year – it would’ve been the best birthday ever….. but as usual it was too good to be true… just like last year getting front row seats – that was too good to be true, so my friend who was going with me took her own life five weeks before… turned a dream come true into something to just get through and grieve. I can never have a good experience. It’s true. Something always, ALWAYS ruins it. Every single time. So this takes me to a depressing place where I just think ‘what’s the point?’… Life was hard enough without all this.

 

Add to that the anxiety I feel. Before, my anxiety symptoms tended to happen outside the house – my blinking tic, my palpitations were associated with leaving the house. Now I’m having them at home. The fear of the unknown, the sheer scale of this and all the drama of it, it’s too much to cope with. To someone with anxiety it feels like the apocalypse… for real. I actually said the other day, this is pretty much like an asteroid situation isn’t it….. to which I was told it isn’t – because in an asteroid situation you’d just have to accept that’s it and you wouldn’t survive, whereas with this at least there’s hope and we will survive it. But it still feels ‘end of the world’ sort of stuff. Maybe because of my depression and that it is kind of the end of my world right now.

 

I’m also seriously concerned for loved ones. All of my family would fall into at least one of the vulnerable categories. I seem to be the only one who doesn’t. I’d say at least that’s something. But the thing is I’m not concerned about me getting it. I hate life at the moment. If something happens to me so be it. But losing someone I care about to it? That I can’t do. I can’t lose anything else. I have a very small family. I can’t lose any of them. I would gladly sacrifice myself, catch it and die if it could spare them all. Some of those family members I won’t get to see now. All I can do is worry about them from afar… again not knowing if / when I’ll see them next. What if something happens to them and I never got to see them again? I hope to speak on the phone to the people I care about. I have an older colleague / friend who lives alone. I really feel for her being isolated. I know she will hate it. So I will try and stay in touch with her too. I wish I could do more for them all, but I can’t risk carrying and passing anything on to them. So I have to keep my distance and not go out.

 

I’m used to isolation. Before I went to the Wellbeing Centre I’d stay in my room most of the time, with the curtains closed. I’m not one who typically gets bored. The only reason I’m struggling with the idea is the lack of support and social interaction with real human beings, beyond these four walls. It’s the fact that I had stopped totally isolating myself for about four months…. and now I have to go back to isolating again. It’s demoralising. It makes me wonder if I’ll ever be able to break back out of my shell again one day. I’m not sure I will. It took a lot of effort to get where I did. If I hadn’t been shown the light for a few weeks then I wouldn’t miss it. I would find isolation an absolute breeze, as it was my reality for at least two years! It’s being given something and having it taken away that I struggle to cope with. But I will do my best to cope nonetheless.

 

I’ve decided to make a list of things I can do with my time. I plan to avoid the news, forget the reason why this is happening, and just treat it as an enforced holiday. I will do things I enjoy. I will look after myself and see it as a period of recuperation. Here are some of my ideas:

 

  •  Catching up on sleep!! Anxiety is affecting my sleep cycle at the moment, so I’ll try and get extra sleep and find a routine.
  •  Binge-watching boxsets…. from things like LOST, to Vampire Diaries, Pretty Little Liars, even Dawson’s Creek – many episodes of old shows to watch.
  •  Exercise – if a time comes when I can’t even go out for walks, I can still do exercise – either DVDs or online workouts, or the exercise bike.
  •  Trying to improve my drawing skills.
  • Get back into painting again.
  • Keep learning more about crochet and creating lovely designs. I bought another batch of colours the other day to keep me busy.
  • Playing guitar.
  • Listening to music.
  • Playing old Wii games.
  • Playing online games – on Facebook, Royal Games, Sporcle, or doing all the Escape The Room Games online. There’s lots to be played!
  •  Tidying and cleaning. Necessary stuff.
  • Playing board games with family. If none of us are going out then we can’t pass anything on to each other.
  •  As long as I’m able to leave the house and go to the postbox down the road, I’ll write to those I care about, living alone, and keep them in the loop. Otherwise I’ll just phone them.
  • Writing poetry.
  •  Blogging – on this blog and on my poetry blog. I can find old poems I’ve written and design the banners for each of them, which is fun.
  • Keeping a journal about all of this so that one day when we look back, I can talk about how we got through it.
  •  Learning new skills. I taught myself crochet by watching YouTube videos. I could learn other things too.
  • Brushing up on shorthand now I’ve found my shorthand dictionary.
  •  Losing weight. So that by the time I next see other people I’ll be a whole different person. They won’t even recognise me!
  •  Jigsaw puzzles.
  • Puzzle books.
  • Reading.

 

There’s SO much I can do with my time. I certainly won’t get bored of that. I might just feel a bit lonely. I’ll miss people. I’ll worry for people. But I can keep myself busy. Or not. I can equally just rest and do guided meditations to relax. We do what we must to get through this. And then hope that life can continue afterwards as it was before.

 

Staying at home is no problem for me. That was my life last year and most of the year before. I only went out for appointments or to volunteer. I didn’t see anyone socially. I didn’t go to the shops. I hardly left the house. So in a way it’s no different for me. The way I’m struggling, already, is the thought I might not see people from the Wellbeing Centre for months on end. The light at the end of the tunnel has been snuffed out. Also while I was going out to the Centre and meeting with people, I placed less focus on people online. Now I have no contact and have no friends to chat to, I find myself noticing how invisible I am again. I post and nobody notices. Nobody talks to me. I liked not caring about that for a while. Now I feel very isolated again. It has turned my mind back to things I’d pushed out of my mind – the friend who abandoned me, and the friend who took her own life. Wishing I had both, or either of them right now. I feel very lonely already. It’s forcing me to face all that again when I really don’t want to. I had started moving on.

 

Having experienced a change to the isolation I knew, I now feel it more to have to return to such isolation. It’s like being shown love, to have it cruelly ripped away moments later. With mental illness I find that hope can be dangerous… despair is my life. If all you know is despair then it doesn’t feel as bad as things improving and then getting worse again…. the despair then feels so much worse and like something you can’t survive. It makes you think it’s better to stay down in that pit and never see the sunlight for a moment. You start to fear happiness or hope. The darkness feels even darker after the light.

 

Anytime I’ve looked forward to something, something has ruined it. And just as I started to try and turn my life around this year, this has happened. What’s the point? By the time this is over, most if not all of that work will have been undone.

 

Nothing can replace what I feel I’ve lost at this moment in time. I  fear losing more. But I’ve decided that every Tuesday I will blog about the things I’d normally write in my recovery journal at the Centre. I will list three things or so that I’m grateful for, one thing I struggled with in the week, what I learnt from it, and three things I’ve achieved. It won’t be the same. But it’ll keep my mindset on recovery, gratitude and achievements.

 

It’s taken a while to get this post done. I’ve felt a bit under the weather the last few days. Was worried I had this Coronavirus thing, as I’ve felt breathless and been coughing ust a little bit. But probably just anxiety. I feel better today.

 

Anyway I hope everyone stays safe, follows the advice and rules and you can all find your way through this difficult time. We’ll come through this together. But I fully understand how hard it is for people like us. Stay strong and take care.

 

xxxx

 

 

Forgotten & Fading.

So this week has consisted of me feeling extremely depressed, suicidal and isolated… reaching out about how I feel and getting zero back…. contacting my doctor because the chemist said there was a shortage of my medication, only for the surgery to then tell me the chemist have my owing medication in (nice of them to inform me!)…. talking to someone on Twitter about politics, only for them to come  back saying ‘Sorry don’t know you (etc.)’ as if to say ‘I don’t know you so your opinion is irrelevant to me’… ‘Who are you and why the hell are you talking to me?’… oh and then today expecting a call from the Job Centre – they never called.

 

So to sum it up – I feel entirely invisible. Whilst waiting for my phone call I started wondering if I am in fact real…. or if I’m dead… I even started thinking maybe I’m actually a figment of someone else’s imagination.

 

Facebook ‘friends’ didn’t notice my pain or me needing them.
The chemist didn’t see fit to tell me my medication was in.
First person I try and converse with in ages is like ‘Don’t know you’.
And the Job Centre forgot our appointment.

Oh yes, and it feels like the Wellbeing Centre have also forgotten I exist… that or they think I’m too messed up for them to help. I was told it’d be a 3 or 4 week wait until I hear from them…. it’s been 6 and a half weeks so far.

 

With my best friend abandoning me this year too, it just feels every single person on this planet has given up on me. They’re all rejecting me, forgetting me, blanking me. It’s almost impossible to not take that personally when you’re as ill as I am. I feel I don’t exist… and when I don’t want to exist, it only pushes me closer to that reality.

 

But hey, in good news… yesterday I finally left the house…. I may have plotted my demise on my long walk home. But at least I got out.

 

The loneliness, the grief, the powerlessness, the silence… it’s all hurting too much. I’m really not okay… and nobody even asks me how I am anymore. Nobody knows how bad things are for me, because they don’t talk to me. They don’t want to know.

 

I’m spending most days not looking after myself – eating or drinking enough. I have headaches every day at the moment. I often can’t sleep – I’ll be wide awake at 2/3am, unable to turn my mind off… unable to even move because of the mental paralysis caused by my emotions and memories. And then I can’t wake up in the morning… it’ll go 10am before I wake up. I can’t work. I hardly ever go out. I’m just trying to tolerate every hour of every day and just survive. I’m always inches from the edge. I had a breakdown yesterday, because I have so much pain and loneliness inside. I have to keep it all to myself. I hate myself. I hate life. I feel so disconnected. I can’t cope. I try and hold it all inside and then it bursts out when I’m alone.

 

I’m in limbo at the moment. And I’m invisible too while I’m there. And in agony. I’m slipping through the fingers of faith. There’s no hope for me, only blind faith that something or someone will help me at some point…. and I just have to hold on until that point…. I’m losing my grasp every day. It’s almost too late. I can feel it. And I don’t care anymore. I just want the peace of feeling nothing… thinking nothing… remembering nothing. This isn’t the life I was born into. I don’t know how to live it. But for now ‘survival’ is the best I can do. I just hope at some point one person in my life will stop ignoring my pleas for help, and will notice me, save me and give me a reason to live again. I really don’t want to right now.

 

 

 

100% Done.

*Self-harm reference*

 

 

I’m 100% withdrawing from everyone now. The last few days have been tough. I’ve posted things then deleted them as I remember nobody cares. I don’t exist. Wednesday was a bad one. I posted a video about how alone and suicidal I felt. I got a message in response. It was actually a good message, but my mind being scarred by traumatic experiences with others, felt threatened by it. I felt guilty for sharing it. I thought I had yet again upset and offended people. I was so ashamed of myself. I felt like the past with my best friend was repeating. Every minute detail was replaying and I seriously couldn’t cope with it.

I felt so horrible about myself that night that I got my self-harm kit and tipped it onto the bed, ready to punish myself. Luckily I was tired and put my head down on a pillow for a moment, to think, and woke up a while later. So falling asleep saved me from harming myself.

I now know the past wasn’t repeating itself. I wasn’t under threat. Everything’s ‘okay’. Only it’s not. I’m filled with self-loathing. I’m still alone. I’m still suicidal. And the anxiety I’m experiencing is affecting me physically. I can’t cope with friendships anymore. I so desperately don’t want to be alone, but I don’t want to take what shitty ‘friends’ did to me, out on innocent people.

I hate that I was ranting about nobody caring, when the reality is that they all have their own stuff to deal with. It makes me feel so selfish. I just find it upsetting because I was dealing with my own stuff, and missed that Liv needed me. So always hearing that everyone’s too caught up in their own stuff to deal with me, it’s hurtful, and I feel like screaming at them – that’s what happened with Liv. I just don’t think anybody understands exactly how lonely I am.

It’s also a fact that people I have on Facebook are not as close to me as I thought. I think in my mind I exaggerated their role in my life. Because I only allow people I like and trust on my profile… people I want to talk with, I place more value on them than they would with me. I’m a nobody to most of them. I’m an acquaintance at best. Many people have hundreds of online friends. So they won’t see my posts. They won’t notice my existence or if I didn’t exist anymore. I need to learn to not take it so personally. I just don’t mean as much to them as they did to me. I’m just not meant for ‘social’ media anymore.

It’s a difficult situation because I have lost the two best friends I had left. One abandoning me for being too mentally ill, and the other ending her own life. They both happened this year. Two friendships of over thirteen years… gone. I have nothing left now. I guess I hoped these less close friends might support me after I lost everything… but I can’t hold it against them that they haven’t. They have more important things and people in their lives than me. I have to just accept I’m alone now. Completely.

I have to continue grieving my granddad, without support – Liv was my support. I have to now grieve the loss of Liv, with nobody to help me do that or bring light back into my life. I have to grieve and cope with the loss of my best friend and my Godchildren. I lost them for reasons I do not understand. It’s unfair the way I have been treated. But I have to accept what’s happened, and that I am totally alone in all of this. It’s just the way it is. I used to be alone all the time. I didn’t have friends. The difference is I didn’t have so much pain to deal with back then. I was young. I had my mental illness, but I didn’t have the life experiences I have now. That’s why I’m so desperate to not be left all alone again. Because I’m not sure I can survive so much traumatic stuff, by myself, unsupported.

But no matter how loud I scream for help….. no matter what I say, how much I beg, I will never get true care out of anyone in my life right now. If they honestly cared they’d have said something to me by now. They wouldn’t have left me in silence, suffering, wanting to end it all. I’d get more than apologies and excuses…. I’d get care, love, support and all other things friends are about. I’d get it without having to ask for it. The second I have to explain what I need from friends, is the second I realise they’re not my friends. Friends know what to do. If I have to ask for it then I won’t believe it when it happens – the words will be insincere.

The thing that upsets me the most is seeing other people reach out at crisis point and getting supported. Being noticed. People caring. But me? Nope. I’m invisible. And the thing about feeling invisible is that it makes me feel extremely violent towards myself. Because it’s like I don’t exist. So if I don’t exist then surely it will cause no pain if I stick my fingers into my ribcage and tear my own heart out…. it won’t hurt if I scratch all my skin off and rip all my hair out. It won’t hurt it I smash my head through a brick wall. I want to violently throw myself around and cause myself so much pain and destruction, because I shouldn’t feel it….. I’m not real am I…? I’m a ghost. And if I actually screamed, nobody would hear me. So I feel very close to making quite a spectacle of myself sometimes, from the frustration of not existing to others, and being in such intense pain through it all.

I know I don’t matter to anyone. I’m understanding now that I’m not as close to people as I thought. But I still don’t understand how anyone could keep quiet when someone is visibly not okay. Even whilst being in the worst state ever, I try to reach out to people who need support. I’m getting a bit of a complex now though. Because anytime I do that, it’s either dismissed or completely ignored, as though I said nothing. Even people disappearing… going offline, leaving me thinking it’s something I said…. not only do I feel invisible, like I never said anything, but I feel that it’s not appreciated, and actually not wanted. It’s a rejection. And it hurts to be honest. I don’t have a problem with anyone at the moment. But I am finding myself in the situation I was in last year with my paranoia and anxiety, and I can’t take it anymore… not at the moment.

So I need to distance myself from everyone. Don’t reach out for help. Don’t reach out and help others, because I’ll be rejected. Basically I don’t want to do anything where I could get rejected anymore. I’m not going to. Let’s put it that way. I have to protect myself. It means being alone. But I am alone anyway!

No more ‘attention-seeking’ online, fishing for care. No more chit-chat. No more advice / care from me. I’m sorry that means not being there for others… but I feel it’s not appreciated anyway – people tend to have lots of others offering them support anyway, not like me. So hopefully everyone will be okay without me.

My paranoia makes me feel physically sick. I’m aware that people on my profile do not deserve to be casualties of my mental illness. I’m not sure that I can recover from this illness now. I feel that this paranoia can never go away. I will never trust anyone. I will never like myself again. I will never believe that anybody truly cares. I will always feel people are out to get me and hurt me. I can’t see a way past that now.

It’s like my former best friend probably thought she could push me to the back of the shelf and bring me out again later, when she’s less stressed and I’m ‘better’. But this is flawed thinking, because how anyone can expect someone to recover when they’ve just lost everything and everyone, in very traumatic and violent ways… and to have to do that recovery whilst totally isolated – it’s insane. It’s never going to happen. How could she ever think I’d get better without her friendship? Yeah I ‘took a step back’ – or at least was going to, that was because she refused to make up her mind whether I was worth anything to her or not. It was to try and help my paranoia and preserve our friendship, but she didn’t give a fuck about that. She blocked me without a word. As you would expect, this increased my paranoia – as I didn’t understand such passive-aggressive behaviour… I didn’t know her motives. I assumed she never wanted to hear from me again. I still assume this. Everything surrounding the loss of her makes me feel sick. In fact life just makes me feel sick right now.

If by some miracle I recover from this intensely dark period of illness, I won’t want her back in my life – she walked away when I needed a friend the most. She left me with none. She saw the worst of me and turned away. I can’t just forget that. Likewise, how am I meant to forget the pain of nobody being there for me? How do you recover from a breakdown like this? How do I learn get over everything that has happened? Some would say you don’t ‘get over it’ you ‘learn to live with it’. But how can I possibly learn to live with everything the last year has shown me? How do I live without Liv? How do I live without my best friend and Godchildren? How can I ever be okay with myself when everyone abandoned me in the depths of my illness? How can I ever trust anyone to care about me enough to not leave me? I’ve seen a different world – one that isn’t safe. I can’t un-see that.

I feel so scarred by everything, I feel I can’t forgive anyone for their contributions to my state of mind right now. I feel upset and angry at a lot of people, and then guilty for feeling that way. That’s why I have to distance myself now. They don’t deserve it, and I’m not getting what I need from them anyway. So what’s the point if there’s only bitterness and resentment? Everything feels toxic now. Plus I’m analysing everything people say and don’t say…. nothing they do is good enough – that’s because the damage done is too massive…. I don’t believe it can be fixed. I don’t know what it would take to fix it all. To fix me. I feel I’m beyond help now. Yes I’m angry that people let me get to this point without intervening. They only had eighteen months to do so….. I was begging for the them to help me as I was going down a one-way track to hell. They all sat back and watched me drown. Now there’s no way back. It feels too late. I feel lost, powerless, hopeless.

I feel I will not recover. It feels like a fact. This is my life now. But there’s no sense bringing everyone else down with me. So I’m done with them all, as I’m done with myself. It’s better this way. For everyone. There was never any hope anyway… that they could save me…. not really. I’ll fade away quietly. Hopefully this way the rejection will stop. There’s nothing worse than silence, to a heart in pain and a mind in despair…

It’s just me now. Me and my blog.

 

 

 

 

I’m A Ghost, Waiting For Death.

*Swearing*

 

 

Hello? Is anybody there? Am I even here? That’s how I feel now. I’ve always felt a deep sense of loneliness… it comes with the territory of having an illness most people could never understand. It comes with growing up without friends – socially isolated… bullied. It comes from never being loved or having someone to love. It comes with being abandoned by everyone you ever trusted.

But the loneliness I feel now is extreme. I want to scream because of how isolated and invisible I feel. I want to end my life because I don’t exist to anyone else anyway so what’s the difference? I feel frustrated and powerless. I can’t get anyone to notice me…. to care…. to talk to me. Nobody will put in effort for me, and there’s nothing I can do to get them to do that.

I started thinking about all these times I’ve done charity walks etc. and asked for sponsorship…. only two of my friends have ever sponsored me for anything. One was my friend who abandoned me this year. The other was my friend who took her life. So there’s nobody now. So why the hell I decided to do these events when I’m not going to raise any money for charity I really don’t know. And now I’ve signed up for the damn Race For Life next year too, in memory of two of my colleagues who passed away a couple of weeks ago to cancer. Who’s going to sponsor me?? Exactly. Nobody. I’ll have to sponsor myself! That or pull out. I’m doing a walk for Samaritans at the moment in memory of my friend who ended her life. I really thought people might sponsor me, as they knew and loved Liv. I thought they’d do it for her if not for me. I thought she mattered to people. I know I don’t. But I thought she did. I’ve not had a single sponsorship. And it’s impossible for me to get any. I keep asking, but nobody even talks to me anymore, let alone would sponsor me. I’m over halfway through this challenge, and I’m thinking what is the bloody point? Why the hell am I doing this? I’ve raised no money. It’s not making me feel better in terms of my own mental health – it’s making me feel worse because I feel utterly invisible. Which makes me feel so upset that Liv isn’t here, as she was the only one who ever made me feel like I wasn’t invisible. Feeling invisible is the one thing that makes me feel suicidal the most. I’m not an attention-seeker. I don’t crave the limelight. Not at all. But do you know how it feels to go through life ignored, avoided, as though you don’t exist? Nobody should have to feel that way.

It’s like when people didn’t sponsor me for a couple of events that were in memory of my granddad…. I took that personally… it felt like they didn’t recognise his worth… that they didn’t care how I felt, and about my grief – add to that nobody being there for the anniversary date. It felt like they didn’t acknowledge what he meant to me, and this tribute to him. It felt like a snub to him …  like they were saying he was nothing. That really hurt me. So I’m feeling the same now. I’m feeling like people have forgotten Liv, the friendship I had with her, the grief I feel, and they’re not supporting me or acknowledging her worth or my tribute to her. I’m going to have to sponsor myself!

It’s making me feel so painfully alone and despondent. I just want to give up. Not just on these stupid charity events I do (which I only do as a sign of my love for those I’ve lost, and to help me with my grief – but it doesn’t help when nobody cares enough to sponsor you!)… but also giving up on life… on people… on everything.

I am NEVER going to matter to anyone. I am going to be this alone forever. I have nobody now. And I don’t care if acquaintances take offence at that anymore. I don’t have close friends, it’s a fact. I have the odd person who will occasionally ‘like’ or comment on something on Facebook. Other than that I don’t exist in their worlds. I can give care and concern to others, even whilst in deep shit myself, and that goes ignored too – it’s as if I said nothing…. I can reach out and say I’m not feeling good…. it’s ignored….. I’m ignored all the time. All the times suggestions were made to meet up… didn’t materialise. Even the person I met at a gig, we said we’d look for each other online… never happened. Obviously didn’t want to know me. I’m irrelevant. I’m nothing. And the one person who would read that and tell me I’m not nothing, is gone. And nobody gives a damn that she’s gone and that I’m alone now, and can’t cope with this pain.

I feel alone. I feel friendless…. because I have nobody stepping up to be my friend. This is how I felt all last year, and instead of understanding that I felt I didn’t have friends because of how they were treating me, my best friend interpreted it as me saying I didn’t want her as a friend anymore. THIS IS HOW FUCKED UP MY WORLD IS!

I’m not coping with the fact she abandoned me based on choices she made as a result of that misinterpretation. I was alone. I was grieving. I was having a breakdown. She interpreted things wrongly and neglected me as a result. Then when I reached out from my bubble of isolation, to explain how I felt, she took it as an attack and took a swipe back at me, hurting me at a time I just needed her love, support and friendship. I then put in effort to make amends with her when it should’ve been the other way round all fucking year… and she snubbed me. She then couldn’t decide if she wanted to sort things out with me or not, so I had to take a step back for my mental health until she could decide. She didn’t seem to like this, blocked me, removed herself from my group, added the ‘friend’ who bullied me and drove a wedge in our friendship three years ago, unblocked me to show support when I lost Liv, but re-blocked me when I showed doubt – because I was scared she would hurt me again, at a time I couldn’t deal with it. But her blocking me a day after I found out about Liv, caused me a lot of hurt. So I had to deal with it anyway!

And now I’m struggling to live in this reality. Because it feels so surreal. The one person who inspired me to keep on fighting, writing, and to not end my life, ended her life. That can’t be undone. I’m left to grieve her totally alone with so many unanswered questions, as to how, why, could I have done something? Did she suffer? Did she regret it? Did she really want to die? The person I need to talk to about all this is Liv. I can’t. I never will again. This is reality.

My best friend is now a stranger. She blocked me so I can’t contact her. She’s moved house… I don’t know where to. I can’t write to her. It’s like she’s cutting me off slowly. I can’t believe this is where we are. I’ve not seen her in over a year. I’ve not seen my Godchildren in 18 months. This is reality.

Life has changed so much. In some ways I have too, but not really…. I’ve had to because I have nobody left to care… I have nobody to remind me of who I am. I’m hardening up…. closing off. But I’m still me, and I desperately need friends. But I need friends who actively want me in their lives. It may seem like I don’t put in effort for other people, but that’s because there was a time I did nothing but put in effort for other people, and I never saw an ounce of it back. I was taken for granted. I was used. I was unappreciated. There were unbalanced and unequal friendships / relationships, my trust was broken, I was let down too many times… it has an effect. Eventually you stop trying for other people and you need them to try for you. The last couple of years have been like that for me. Except everyone’s refused to step up and put that effort in for me. So I have to accept loneliness, because I’m clearly worthless. I’m unable to put in the effort myself at the moment, for a couple of reasons – one is what I just said, that I am sick of being taken for granted, putting in effort and being the only one to care… but also because of all the loss I’ve had lately. The grief. Isolating and depression are part of grief. You need others to reach out to you and suggest a coffee, a walk, active help. But the trouble is I don’t have any friends who like me enough to do that. If I do they don’t live anywhere near me. But even just talking to me, asking after me, making me feel visible…. they could do this, but rarely do. I think I might as well come offline. I go on so that I don’t feel as alone as I am… and end up feeling even worse. It feels like all my attempts to connect to others and feel less alone… they always backfire and I end up feeling I’m not even real.

It’s just this thing that I think if I was anyone else people would bend over backwards to support me, to care, to spend time with me. But it’s me. And I don’t matter. I’m an awful person, so nobody wants to talk to me. I’ve felt this way for so long now, that if anyone talks to me now, I think ‘What’s wrong with you?’, ‘Why are you talking to me?’ ‘What are your ulterior motives?’… It’s like on the first anniversary of my first loss. The only person who said anything to me was Liv. Everyone else ignored my posts about it. Nobody reached out saying ‘thinking of you today x’ or anything like it… not even my best friend! Whereas when other people post about their losses / anniversary dates they get the support… loads of it. I guess it’s my fault for not having hundreds of ‘friends’… I choose the ones who I would think of as actual friends… the people I could trust.  The ones I care about. The ones I hope would care about me and not judge me. So I don’t have a wide range of people to talk to. So that would reduce the amount of support I could get. But how hard is it to make someone feel visible every now and then? Really…?

That’s why it has to be me. It has to be something fundamentally wrong with me as a person. People don’t like me. They might not hate me – they’d have to have once cared about me in order to have enough energy to hate me. I’m just nothing.

Adam ghosted me like I was nothing.
Evan strung me along like I was nothing.
Joe treated me like I was less than nothing.
Sam let me go like I was nothing.
Hannah treated me like I was a ‘negative’ blob of nothing.
Gill stabbed me in the back like our friendship, and I was nothing.
Lou turned her back on me like I was nothing.

Everyone else stays silent in the face of my pain, my grief, my loneliness, my loss… they ignore my desperate pleas for help…. as if I’m nothing. 

I have been conditioned over the last ten years to believe I am nothing. Now the one person who ever challenged that thought for me abandoned me when she left this world. And I have nobody to talk to about that loss. My best fucking friend isn’t here to support me through the worst thing that’s ever happened. Because she decided to hurt and abandon me in the lead-up to it happening. Just like she did in 2016 before my granddad got sick… and 2017 when he passed away. Her actions are so tied up in my feelings of grief, I find it hard to grieve either of my losses without feeling angry at her. She should be here, being my friend. She should’ve apologised and at least tried to make things better between us, not just given up…. as though I’m nothing.

Why world? Why are you all so intent on breaking me? Why do you keep trying to make me feel like I’m nothing and the world wouldn’t even notice if I wasn’t here anymore? I’ve got that message, okay… I got that message years ago…..you don’t have to keep on.

I just wish people in my life would understand that this is how I feel… I feel I don’t exist, I shouldn’t exist, nobody cares, I’m worthless, I’m nothing…. this is what is behind every thought, word and action in my life. I wish they’d stop being offended by me saying how lonely I feel and how I don’t have friends. If people want me to stop saying that then maybe they could start acting like friends, and stop treating me as though I’m invisible. One day I will be, and they’ll wish they’d done more to show me I wasn’t as worthless as they all made me believe I was.

I’m not in a good place at all mentally anymore. I can’t even see ‘recovery’ anymore. There’s no chance of that whilst feeling so isolated and having so much pain and loss to contend with. The world has destroyed me and I’m finding it hard to want to live in it anymore. Every reason I had to live is being taken from me one by one…. I’d hoped doing these charity walks would give me some reason to keep going…. now they’re just highlighting how alone and unimportant I am. I am a ghost, drifting around in hell. This is reality. And nothing can change my reality. Not anymore.

 

 

 

 

Completely Alone.

*Language / suicide / honesty*

 

The stark reality is this….. NOBODY CARES.

 

I could fall off the face of the planet and nobody would notice, let alone be sad about it. Heck, I could speak out online about how suicidal I feel… I could tell the world I’m about to end it, and all I’ll be met with is silence.

 

People say to reach out to someone when you need help. That’s okay… if you’re not me. But if you’re me then nobody cares enough to say anything in response. Nobody values me or my life. Nobody would miss me. I am invisible to the world… even the ‘mental health community’ who rally round each other – I’m the outsider as I always have been everywhere I go. I don’t know what it is about me but people just do not give a shit. Whenever I’ve reached out and been honest about my mental health or the grief I’m feeling about Liv, and how utterly alone I feel….. silence. That’s all there is. I don’t exist.

 

When I first experienced grief two years ago, people were there in the short-term. But when my full grief kicked in, after the effects of medication wore off…. nobody there. My best friend abandoned me at the worst time of my life. And now I need her more than I ever have needed anyone, and she doesn’t give a shit. She texted me which is nice, but that’s all. Now without her and without Liv, I genuinely have nobody who cares whether I live or die, other than family. I have a great big gaping hole in my heart, and my life, and nobody to support me through that.

 

I am alone in grief. I am alone in life. I’ll be alone in death. I have to deal with my grief alone. While others are talking to each other and grieving together, I don’t exist. People ignore my existence. It’s like she never mattered to me or I never mattered to her. I’m left to fend for myself. I don’t even know if I’ve missed the funeral. I’m so out of the loop. And having to deal with this sort of grief – suicide – on my own, whilst being invisible to everyone… and having no close friends. I don’t want to do it. I don’t want to be here either. I want to join Liv. I might as well. There is no point in me existing anymore. There is NOTHING good left. I can’t even say, like I had all year, well I’ve got Westlife to look forward to….. I was going with Liv. Now she’s not here. I was meant to finally see her again two weeks tomorrow. I never got to give her a long overdue hug. We were so excited to be front row. Now I’m going to have to leave an empty seat, as I’ve practically gone round everyone begging them to have a free front row seat, and nobody said yes – even an offer like that people don’t want to be around me. It MUST be something wrong with me. I know the likelihood is people just couldn’t make it as they had other plans. But the last couple of weeks have been so humiliating and triggering for me. I’ve had to relive my childhood – desperately chasing for someone to be my friend and go with me. And I’ve had to face so much rejection over and over again. It’s left me feeling really quite shit about myself. And yes, I’ll be brutally honest, I’m a little angry at Liv for this… because this is what her decision left me with. The one thing that was keeping me alive, the one thing I was looking forward to with her, is now a ‘problem’ for me to solve. It’s a harsh reminder of how unbelievably isolated I am. And I know that makes me sound selfish. But since nobody else gives a fuck about me, I don’t think it really matters if I sound selfish.

 

This HAS affected me, badly… and there’s nobody there to talk to about it. There’s nobody who understands. There’s nobody supportive, loving, caring and committed to helping me through this traumatic loss. I can feel immense sympathy for Liv. I can be so upset that she’s gone. I can love her and miss her, and say I could never hate her. But I can still be angry about what’s happened and how it has impacted on my own mental health. Because my own mental health was already on a ledge. That’s why I was too wrapped up in my own self-pity to notice just how bad things must’ve been for Liv. Because I was struggling. And somebody taking their own life does pass it down the chain. It stops their pain, but it passes it on to someone else. It’s true.

 

I even had a colleague say to me not to do anything myself because of it, and I was honest with her and said it is something that has crossed my mind as a result, but that I wouldn’t put my family through that.

 

Liv was all I had left besides them. Everyone else pretty much leaves me feeling alone… like I don’t matter… like I don’t exist…. like I’m a nuisance and a burden. She was the only one who noticed, cared and believed in me. She’s the only one who never let me down. She was my rock. And now she’s gone.

 

Life is rapidly taking away my rocks. Losing family members, losing my best friend, losing Liv.

 

When I think about how I feel I have an image in my head. I don’t picture ending my life. It’s already ended. I see me lying there paralysed…. broken… no willpower to move… with destruction all around me…. like I’ve just thrown myself off a cliff or out of a window and there’s debris everywhere. I’m not moving. And the most notable thing about this image…… there’s nobody to be seen. People are walking past as though I’m not there. As though nothing happened. I’m lying there, dead for all anyone knows, and I’m still invisible. This is how I feel on the inside. I feel I’m already dead. And nobody gives a shit. Life goes on. I don’t want it to.

 

Two weeks tomorrow was meant to be the happiest day of my life so far… a dream come true…. it’s anything but now. I am living in a nightmare that only keeps getting worse. If losing my granddad wasn’t bad enough and real and painful enough…. then having my breakdown at therapy…. then withdrawing last year, feeling suicidal every day, and ultimately being hurt and abandoned by the person I trusted most…. and now Liv is gone. All the old friends I used to have are carrying on happily without me, and I’m left broken by them all. And I hear the words ‘we wouldn’t want anything like that to happen to you’…. it’s just words. It means nothing when it’s coming from the very people who put me on that ledge in the first place. The people who neglected me and abandoned me and hurt me so much, that I didn’t want to live anymore…. this was BEFORE Liv took her own life. I wanted to die before she DID. And people can say all they want that Liv wouldn’t want me to follow her…. but she went. She set the example. So I don’t want people telling me what Liv would and wouldn’t want for me, when she made that choice for herself. I’m not saying I’m about to do something, but I seriously am feeling why the hell shouldn’t I….?! I have every reason to not be here anymore. I have nothing to live for… other than to not hurt my family.

 

Liv left me all alone. Again I might sound selfish, but someone choosing to end their life is effectively an abandonment, and when you have what I have, it’s the one thing you find it hard to cope with. And I’ve had a fuck-load of it in the last few years. Seeing Westlife wasn’t enough for her to stick around. Seeing me wasn’t enough for her to stick around. All the other good things going on for her were not enough to stick around. I understand the demons won.  But it’s hard not to take it personally and feel like you’ve been rejected…. to not feel worthless… to not feel like she didn’t care enough about you not to leave you with nothing and nobody.

 

I’m not happy that I’m having to write these things. I’m devastated that there’s a need in the first place. People ask me what I want to do about the concert – do I want to sell the ticket, give it to someone who knew her, leave an empty seat…. blah blah blah…. no. What I WANT is for Liv to still be alive. What I WANT is to have not lost my best friend from my life too. What I WANT is for none of this to be real. But I can’t have that can I? This is reality. A reality I do not want. I have nothing left to pull me through this.

 

When my group of friends betrayed and abandoned me in 2012, I had my best friend and then my Godchildren to keep me going. When I lost my best friend & Godchildren, Liv was one of the only ones there…. now I’ve lost Liv and there’s nobody and nothing left. Not anyone who can reach me on a deeper level. Everyone else is a more recent friend / acquaintance. I don’t really register on their radars. The two people I’ve lost this year are my two oldest friends – I don’t know who I knew the longest, but I knew them both for over 12 years of my life. Everyone else I pretty much only met in the last couple of years.

 

So yeah, I’ve had three major losses in two years. And I have nobody to help me through it. I don’t have online support… professional support… honestly nobody cares how I feel or what happens to me.

 

I know Liv wouldn’t have wanted me to feel this isolated. She wouldn’t have wanted me to feel out of the loop and forgotten like this. But I am. I don’t matter to anyone. I never did. I never will. And the only person who ever made me feel that these facts weren’t true, was Liv. Liv who is no more. I really do give up on life. I feel dead to it now.

 

I spent most of last year feeling detached from reality and disconnected from everyone and everything. I didn’t want to be here. In the last handful of months I tried my best to push through it all and open up to people again. I tried to reconnect to life. But now Liv has ended her life I don’t have a life left. I’ve never felt more disconnected. And I don’t feel I can come back from it this time. Life will never feel the same again. I am honestly dead inside. There is no light left.  Sometimes we need others to be that light for us – people that really know us and really care about us… people we can trust…. I don’t have that with anyone. I have nobody offering me their light. Not people I know. I feel desperately alone, painfully ill in my mind, and completely hopeless. I feel paralysed with pain and depression. Nobody can know how it feels to be me right now. My life has become one big tragedy. And even if it’s not right now, I know how my story ends…

 

 

 

Why I Died.

This is a difficult month for me, because of reminders of the past. I know people would just say not to think about it. But it’s not as simple as that. Life traumatises me. Things that happened six years ago still haunt me. I’ve never been given the opportunity to work through these issues with therapy or the like. The last therapy course I did made a point that they don’t look at the past, they look at the now… CBT and mindfulness don’t cater for those who have unresolved pain and trauma. I don’t know what help there is out there, and if any of it could help me at this point. I feel like a lost cause now anyway.

 

It would just be nice to have my pain recognised, understood, validated and to be told how I can let it out. I don’t want to be told to just ‘move on’, ‘let it go’ and ‘forget it’. To be told those things is to misunderstand me and misunderstand my mental illness.

 

Six years ago I lost everything. My life has never been the same since. I was betrayed by one of my closest friends, hurt by another, hurt by a man I had feelings for, a friend passed away, I had a bit of a breakdown whilst I was abroad, lost another close friend – all of this happened in the space of a couple of months. I lost my group of friends. My social life became zero. My confidence and self-esteem plummeted. I could no longer trust anyone. I had no hope. I was destroyed.

 

Then the next year life changed. My goddaughter was born. Wonderful. It allowed me to be a loving, fun version of me. But life changed so dramatically from how it was only a year before. It was a good change, but whilst everyone was busy moving on with their lives – my friends were all getting married, having children, growing up…. I hadn’t attained the sort of life they did. I stayed stuck in the year 2012, and everyone else’s lives happened around me. I was suddenly the only single one left. And I was not left in a good place. I don’t think they realise that yes, their lives have also changed… but they have their lives. They have their partners, they have their families. All I had was them. Their friendship with me. I was stripped of everything else in 2012. They were all I had left. My godchildren became my focus. But at the end of the day they’re not my life. They’re my friend’s life. Her life has changed, but she has a life.

 

When left alone I have no life. Nobody understands this. My life changed so drastically overnight. From a sense of belonging with friends, and support, care-free fun and socialising…. to losing it all….. to seeing everyone else settling down…. to being my fun self with the kids….. to seeing less and less of them, and of my friend … to having nothing left.

 

I’ve accepted it’s over. I’ve accepted I’ve been abandoned. I don’t even blame anyone anymore. I saw it coming years ago. I knew eventually I’d be left on my own. I’d lose relevance. I’d drop down the priority list. What do I have to offer anymore? I’m single, childless and severely depressed and broken. Who would want anything to do with me? It’s okay. I’ve made my peace with being totally alone. I’ve been feeling increasingly alone for the last couple of years. Yeah I’m upset, but best not to let it in too much. Dwelling on it would kill me. And as that’s starting to appear on the horizon now I shouldn’t really hasten it.

 

All this change in my life… and loss… losing my friend who passed away – we weren’t the closest of friends, but she was a positive influence in my life… I still miss her. Losing the guy I had feelings for – he was a jerk as it turned out and had been playing me, but it still hurt. Losing two of my best girl friends because they hurt and betrayed me. Losing another guy – a friend of mine who I thought I’d settle down with & the way he left things between us. Losing the young care-free social life and replacing it with babies (which was good – but was ‘growing up’ … only problem is I wasn’t ready & lost a social life that could help me find my own happiness). Losing my mental health and physical health. Losing my granddad… my first loss… so also losing that sense of security and safety, and that belief I’d never lose anyone. Losing my extended family because they attacked my family the day before the funeral. Losing my confidence to speak out about things, as I kept getting attacked for my views, or nobody really cared what I had to say. Losing most of my friends – not knowing why. Losing my best friend. Losing the support group from therapy, and the therapist I had feelings for. Losing the ability to talk to people anymore. Losing everything. Losing the will to live.

 

Life is loss.

 

I have lost so much over the last six years, and nobody gets that. Nobody understands how that feels, to lose things, lose people and be abandoned by everyone. To have your life changed so much. From finally having friends and building your confidence up…. to utter despair and isolation…. but having your family in tact. Having your godchildren and one friend at least. To a broken family, real grief, deteriorating mental health and nobody there for you at all through it, and losing the godchildren and friend… watching it fade away. I now have nothing left besides the closest members of my family. The world is also different from a few years ago. It’s all going to hell.

 

A part of me is quite chilled out about it though. The world is going loopy just at the right time, when I’ve lost everything. Not much left to stick around for.

 

I book to go and see things by myself again now, like I used to do before I had friends. I’m going to a show next year alone, and the cinema this week. No I don’t like going on my own particularly, but I don’t have a choice. I have two events I’m going to in the next six months where I booked two tickets – I now have nobody to ask to tag along. So will be either going with family, on my own or selling the tickets and not going.

 

Nobody understands this level of isolation I feel. I don’t have anyone to talk to about anything. That’s why I make videos and write blogs. This month is hard for many reasons – some are as far away as six years ago… some are more recent, a year ago and therapy. I can’t talk to anyone about it anymore. They all want me to just move on already and I’m sick of it. Don’t you think if I could move on I would’ve done by now. I’m not choosing this!! I tried opening up to the only person I have left who I could talk to, about how I’m struggling at the moment, and they had the same response – ‘Are you still thinking about that? How can you move on?’ … I clammed straight up and resolved never to open up about my feelings to anyone again. And I haven’t since.

 

So I truly do suffer in silence now. Yes I write. But writing doesn’t let out the internal scream in me. I can’t vocalise my feelings. That’s why I made so many video journals lately, to talk my feelings through. But I can’t have human interaction and compassion from anyone, because nobody gets it. Nobody gives me the time and care I need. Nobody asks how I am, actually wanting to know the answer and help me.

 

So yes, I am really struggling at the moment with flashbacks, distressing emotions, so much pain and turmoil, and deep loneliness and sadness. But I will never breathe a word of it to anyone in my life. I’ve closed up now. I feel everyone is sick of me still being caught up in my past and not being happy. It pushes me closer to the edge. I wonder why I bother going on if I’m such a failure that I get on everyone’s nerves. If they’ve all given up on me and think I need to ‘just let things go’ what hope is there? It’s one of the most distressing things to hear when you’re in pain because of the past…. to just let things go and to live in the here and now. Believe me I want to do that. Unfortunately for me though the here and now fucking sucks. Unless you’ve been through what I have keep your mouth shut.

 

Some people I know really don’t know how lucky they are. I wish I could hand them my pain, my memories and my mental illness, just so they could understand how impossible it feels to live my life how it is right now… alone. Abandoned. They wouldn’t last a week. Probably not even a day. And it’s what I have to endure every day of my life. And I know some of them would compare their problems with mine. They’d tell me their life isn’t that great, blah blah blah… stop trying to relate to me. You don’t understand isolation and having NOTHING. You have a partner. You have children. You have a social life. You have a job. You have a home. You have purpose. You have mental health! You cannot understand how I feel. You can’t understand how it felt to be starting to live your life finally, and to just as quickly lose everything. To have it change you as a person. And to lose even more because of that change, and because of your mental health. To lose everything you had left. Nobody could understand that. Nobody DOES understand it, clearly, as they’d be here for me if they did.

 

I’m just so sick of existing in a world where people don’t want to know me, because of my mental illness. I’m trapped. I can’t end my life because of my family. So I have to exist. But my depression and negativity offends other people and pushes them all away. So I have to exist in constant emotional pain and isolation. It’s enough to make you want to end your life. But like I said, I can’t, because of my family. I AM TRAPPED. And this is hell. And I don’t know what to do anymore.

 

I’m not who I once was. And there’s no way I can ever get that back. With every loss, a part of me dies. The best part of me died six years ago this month. But so much more … anything I had left died in the last year.

 

I need help.

 

I need someone to help me. PLEASE. I don’t know what to do anymore. Life is so dark right now. Even with support I wouldn’t know how to get through this. But I am alone. I don’t think I can do it.

 

 

I’m Attention-Seeking.

Okay, at this point I’m happy to admit I am indeed ‘attention-seeking’… why is this a bad thing? I am in need of attention, in the form of care, concern and communication. I so desperately need someone to acknowledge my existence, and my struggle… I suddenly don’t exist to people. I feel physically sick today because of the isolation and depression. I want to close down everything – my Facebook, Twitter, even this blog, as I feel nobody cares what I have to say anymore. It seems counterintuitive though – that I feel so alone and alienated, so the answer is to isolate myself further… I just don’t know what else to do though – I’ve done all the reaching out I can. Everyone’s ignoring me.

 

Being left in this sort of state takes me to a bad place. I want to do destructive things just to be noticed. But I’m not seeking attention because I think a lot of myself and want to be the focus of everyone’s attention… I just want to not feel as invisible as I do right now. I want my needs met. A major part of me didn’t even want to write this blog… I’ve felt so rejected lately, by friends, online communities, and writing blog posts that went unnoticed, I don’t want to risk further rejection.

 

I’m asking for help. I’m asking for care and support. I’m asking for just one person to tell me they see me, they hear me, they care about me, they notice what I’m saying and that on some level I matter, no matter what others make me believe. That I’m not the ghost I’ve been made to feel I am. Is that too much to ask? I’m starting to think it is. Why will nobody talk to me? This always happens when I’m going through a tough time grief-wise. I’m always abandoned at the worst points… the important dates. Nobody is there for me, and they only speak up once it’s too late and the damage is already done.

 

I feel so sick about everything. I just want to break down in someone’s arms. But there’s nobody. Nobody knows the truth of how I’m feeling right now. Only those who read my blog would know.

 

I feel my life has become about the silencing of my voice…. people either actively try and shut me down and deny me my right to free speech, or they go silent on me, so I feel I’m only talking to myself when I do use my voice…. so in the end I think what the hell is the point in talking to anyone, about anything? I get more conversation from people when I talk about politics than I do when I open up about my mental illness. But I don’t want to have to talk about politics to get anyone to talk to me, and to not feel lonely, because that opens me up to being attacked by those with opposing political views. It’s not fair. Why won’t anyone help me?

 

You might say try talking about things other than mental health and politics, but you see I do… nobody will talk to me about anything anymore… I used to have great conversations with my friends online in the past, based on things I’d post or they’d post…. now it’s like I’m talking to a literal wall, not just a Facebook one. And I post in the hope people will notice, talk to me and make me feel less isolated…. but an endless string of unnoticed posts makes me feel like an ‘attention-seeker’, and like the fact I’m unwanted and disliked is so obvious to them all. And when people say to come offline and live in the real world, I think yeah, but you don’t understand what the real world is like for me. The real world is even more lonely. I seek refuge online because I am totally isolated offline. But now I will be offline. I will just put up with being completely alone. It’s better than reaching out in the hope of connecting with people, only to be rejected, abandoned and ignored. My spirit can’t take it anymore.

 

It also always happens at these times when I feel isolated, that a group of people I know all talk to each other in group emails, and I feel too paralysed to join in. I feel like an outsider. I feel excluded. I feel forgotten. I don’t know how to join in with them when nobody speaks to me otherwise. So I end up feeing even more alienated, and bitter.

 

Once I’ve reached the point I’m at now, I feel unable to talk to people directly anymore. If they had acknowledged my existence earlier then it would have been fine, but too many people ignored me for too long, and now I can’t open up. I can’t even reach out to the ones who said they were there for me. I physically can’t do it. I don’t know what to say anymore, because so much feels wrong to even put it into words. I just wish people would learn from what I say, and notice when I’m slipping down this path, earlier … and actually DO something about it. Don’t just sit back and watch me drown. But they do every time. It’s always the same. They watch me have a meltdown, and they don’t offer me a hand or a rope, to help pull me out, they just offer an ear… but they only do it once my head has gone under the water and I can no longer speak, and their voices are muffled. By then it’s too late.

 

I’m not reaching out anymore. I might not blog anymore either, as it makes me feel invisible sometimes too, and I can’t afford more of that right now. But I wanted it noted that I’m hurt. I’m upset and I’m angry that people who are meant to care about me, keep letting me spiral into hell and only care once the gate is already closed. It’s not good enough. It’s abuse.

The (Not So) Merry-Go-Round.

* Contains bad language towards the end, and suicidal feelings*

 

 

I have struggled lately. I’ve felt overwhelmed and severely isolated. I was totally on my own for a date that was particularly hard for me. I reached out, I admitted I was struggling, and as usual nobody was there. I lie – one person was and has consistently been there in the last couple of weeks. Other than that, nothing. I blogged about my invisibility issue, and silence there too. Nobody else has spoken to me, neither light-hearted chit-chat, nor support. I feel dead to the world.

 

I messaged the one person who has been there, to tell them why I was doing what I was doing, and then closed my Facebook account. At least now there’s a reason they don’t talk to me, because they can’t. I know people are just living their lives, not ignoring me to hurt me, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t have an impact on me. It does. It makes me feel like a ghost. It makes me feel worthless and lonely, and like I could drop dead and none of them would even notice, let alone care.

 

I decided as soon as I got back from my break, if nobody was talking to me that was it, I was closing my account, isolating myself and focusing on me. I might as well be as alone as I feel. I no longer need to stay in contact with family through it now I’m back, so no point being on there. I’ve had enough.

 

Of course as soon as I do something like that I hear from people, saying they were about to send me a message. Sorry, but where were the messages when I needed people? Where were the messages when I needed to not feel alone? I’m not saying that people don’t have their reasons for not talking to me. I know full well they do – they have a lot going on. So many of my friends are going through major changes, problems, their own mental health struggles. I’m more aware of it than they give me credit for! That isn’t what I’m annoyed about. I’m annoyed that I keep feeling this way. I’m sick of the (not so) merry-go-round. I’m sick of the battle in my mind. I’ve given up and I’m going with the hijacker. There’s only so many times you can fight your own thoughts, and tell yourself it’s paranoia, whilst people do nothing to prove otherwise. Eventually the evidence stacks up that it’s not paranoia. If nobody will help me see another version of the truth then I’ll listen to the hijacker in my mind. I’ll let him drive me away from everyone. Better to be with him than to be sitting around watching shadows of old friendships, whilst chasing after crumbs. I’ve been through all that with ‘Joe’. I deserve more. Or I need more. The lack of care and support I’ve experienced in my life tells me I don’t deserve it…

 

Nobody seems to get how desperately lonely and broken I feel. Each time I feel this way I try and explain it, in the hope people won’t leave me in this state again, but they always do. So what else am I supposed to do? I’m so sorry, but I give up on people. It shouldn’t take me having a breakdown, disappearing offline, or harming myself before people take notice and show their care. I’m done. I can’t keep going through this.

 

I hate who I’ve become, but it’s this illness. It’s the last year or two, on top of an already painful past. I’m spiritually done. I can no longer care for the niceties and pretending everything’s okay. It’s not. I want all the pain to go away. I want to be happy. I want to be who I used to be, and have what I used to have. But it was all taken from me. That destroyed me. My experiences last year have changed me forever. This year has been so isolating… so excruciatingly lonely. People I care about and who brought me joy, I’ve not seen in 6 months. I feel everything and everyone slipping away. I can’t take that pain. I’ve already lost so much, I can’t take any more loss. People I talked to, suggesting meeting up, they never got back to me and we never met up. What more can I do? I’m sick of the silent rejection, it’s a killer. Just tell me you don’t want to know me! Stop speaking to me in silence. Stop expecting me to get the message. Stop delivering the message through other people, it’s not fair.

 

I see people living their lives, having no time for me anymore, and it’s crushed me, because I’m always met with the same ‘I’ve had a lot to think about… I’m busy….’ routine. I know that. I can see that. Please stop implying I’m being selfish in wanting to maintain a friendship through it all. It hurts. I’m sorry I want to matter to friends. I’m sorry I have an awful mental illness that makes me need more from you than you’re able to give – I didn’t choose this. I’m sorry I’m really sad at how much our lives have changed – well yours has… mine has stayed the same or got worse even…. and now we hardly see each other. I’m sorry that I feel I’m losing you and that I no longer matter… that I’m being forgotten. I’m crying as I write this, because that’s how upset I am when I think about the friendships I used to have, and now everyone’s grown up… they have different priorities… and I’m not one of them. It’s hard. People would say it’s a part of life, but they don’t understand I have nothing in life. I need friends. I rely on them because I have nobody else.

 

I’m really ill at the moment. It’s emotional torture. Perpetual hell. I’m trapped. The past and the present hurt me so much. I’m afraid of the near future – the things I have to get through soon. Feeling invisible to people who are meant to care is just too much on top of that. So I can’t deal with that right now.

 

I used to have a ‘poetry fanclub’ where I’d share my poems with friends in a group on Facebook. I eventually stopped posting in there as I realised nobody really looked at them. I felt invisible then. I felt nobody cared what I had to say. I felt what’s the point? It’s like an endless experience of rejection… that’s what my life feels like. Being ignored or not noticed is a form of rejection and abandonment… the very things that destroy someone like me. That’s why I’m withdrawing. People may not mean to hurt me by their neglect, but that doesn’t mean they’re not hurting me. And I hurt double because I know it’s not deliberate, so I blame myself for expecting too much of people, and for reacting how I do. But I’m sick of it all.

 

I needed people to be there when it mattered. They always wait until it’s too late. I can’t cope with it anymore. Either care while I’m there or let me go. I shouldn’t have to keep going through this. It’s destroying my self-worth and self-esteem. It’s making me hate myself. It’s making me close off from everyone. It’s making me give up on life. It would be different if it was one person not being there for me, but it always happens the same… I’m invisible to almost everyone at the same time. It’s like they all suddenly decide I don’t exist for a few weeks at a time… there’ll be just the odd one who actually steps up and recognises how I’m feeling and the care I need. I’m so grateful to those who do this. They tend to be single people most often, who understand mental illness, in particular this one I’m battling. Others just don’t get it. And how can they if they’ve never been there? If they’ve never felt the agonising loneliness, the crippling fear of abandonment, the feeling of not belonging to the world, not existing, being scarred both physically and mentally, and wanting to die nearly every day, and that feeling of every emotion being felt so much more intensely than they could ever comprehend, then how could they ever get me? How could they ever understand what hell this is, and what I need from them? I feel so misunderstood, but I have no energy left to explain it to people incapable of understanding it… people unwilling to understand it.

 

So I’m done being polite. I’m done with friendships of convenience. I’m done with being repeatedly rejected by society. I’m done with uncertainty. I’m done with being a ghost. I’m done with it all. if it makes me selfish so be it. I seem destined to be cast in the role of ‘the selfish one’ whatever I do – want people’s time, I’m selfish. Want to be alone, I’m selfish. Fuck it. All my life I’ve had selfish people accuse me of being selfish. If giving a fuck about myself and only myself, because nobody else gives up the time to give a fuck about me, then so be it. I’m fucking selfish. I have to protect myself from being treated this way. It’s not okay that they all make me feel like I don’t exist. It’s not okay that they make me relive my past. It’s not okay that the blame is put on me. It’s not okay that I’m left until it’s too late before anyone ‘cares’. And it’s not okay that they come back, make me think things will be different from now on, and then make me feel the same way. I can’t trust anyone anymore because of this unreliability and the sickeningly predictable unpredictability.

 

I hate that it seems like I’m asking too much of people. But things used to be okay.  I never had this problem with friends. Not to this degree. And now I’m at one of the worst points in my life, the most ill I’ve been… I no longer know if this is just my illness seeing this and telling me nobody cares, or if in fact people genuinely do not give a shit about me anymore….. I feel if they did give a shit they’d communicate with me more. But then am I being too demanding? Am I asking for too much attention?  Then I hate myself, and isolate myself more for being a bad person. Then I hate them all for making me feel like I’m a bad person for wanting to be loved and cared for. It just never STOPS. And I need it to stop. I feel sick. I don’t know how to make it stop, other than to pull away from everyone and be as alone as I feel. There is no other way for me.

 

Life is insanely hard at the moment. I don’t want to be here. I actually reached a place of calm earlier, thinking about the peace I would feel in death. I no longer cared about the things holding me back from doing anything. I just wanted all the noise and pain to stop. And I envied those who have gone from this world and don’t have to experience any of that anymore. I’m sorry, I know that’s bad to say. But I have very little to hold on to as reasons to live right now. My little family is about it. Everything else is bleak. It’s blackness and resentment. There’s no joy. No purpose. No hope. I have to keep telling myself to hold on another day. Things will feel better in the morning. Just get through it and keep going. But to what end? Everything is in tatters. I have no hope of finding love. I have nothing to aim for. I have no connection with friends. I have no role to fulfil. I have nothing to add meaning to life. What is the point in me limping on through life, hating every minute of it? What, just so that I don’t upset others by killing myself? I’m guilt-tripping myself into living in permanent pain. Nobody gets what that feels like. And I have to do it alone, because nobody talks to me. Not when I need someone. They’re never there. It just adds to the hell I feel.

 

I’m just so beyond done.

The Lonely Night.

I feel painfully alone tonight. It’s a combination of things – politics is really getting me down at the moment. This Brexit deal – it’s divided people even more… even people I was united with in my views, this latest twist has made me feel completely out on my own with my views… in terms of ‘friends’ anyway. I feel so lost and confused about it all. I’m not happy with how it’s going, and I hear from some people it’s a disaster, a betrayal and then from others that it’s good. The trouble is my trust in the party I’ve supported all my life, is shaken. It’s hard to believe anything they say anymore. I’m really upset by the rhetoric in the media and in Parliament. They talk about it all as though we’re not PEOPLE who voted to leave… as though we’re mindless drones who were led up the garden path by Russian-backed propaganda. I’m sorry but that is fucking offensive. They say the division on this plan means we should have another referendum. They say the apparent ‘cheating’ by the Leave campaign means we should have another referendum. They say the stalemate in Parliament means we should have another referendum. NO!! Just stop disrespecting me. I’m sick of it. I’m so sick of it I’m actually crying as I write this. Stop ignoring my voice. I’ve been ignored all my fucking life. I’ve never got anything I wanted. And for once in my whole fucking life something went my way – we won the referendum, and now the people who always have it all, want to fucking rip it away from me. Well fuck you all.

 

This is what I mean – before the referendum we were bullied. It still happens now. People think we should just be ignored. It makes me feel violent rage and it scares me. I’m so fuming that this country is trying to ram it down my throat every single day that I am WORTHLESS. That my voice, my vote means nothing. That I’m wrong… a bad person… a xenophobic, stupid, uneducated, gullible, racist bigot. That I didn’t know what I was voting for. That I was brainwashed. That I was influenced by the Russians. That I believed the ‘lie’ on the side of a bus. That I’m a ‘self-harmer’ (well duh, but don’t bring mental health into politics). That I’m taking everyone with me off the edge of a cliff. Sorry, I’ll just throw myself off it, alone. An actual cliff though, not a mythical one.

 

Politics is mirroring my life. Bullying. Disrespect. Being ignored. People projecting onto me. The feeling of isolation and invisibility is sickening. I have a few people on Twitter who I can talk to about these things because they feel exactly as I do. But most of my friends don’t feel as I do about things. In fact they probably secretly despise me for being one of those ‘xenophobic, stupid Brexiters’. I feel like I’m the only one fighting the good fight, with everyone against me, thinking they’re fighting the good fight. It’s lonely being on this side… on the side of the silent majority… it makes you feel like you’re alone when you hear people on the other side make such noise between them, at your expense – trying to alienate you from the rest of the ‘decent, tolerant ones’. It’s emotional abuse. Trying to keep a barrier up to such abuse and not let it get to me, it’s so draining. I don’t think people realise that us voters have emotions and mental illnesses in some cases… they claim to be the kind ones, but when they’re pushing people towards suicide I don’t think they can rightly claim that kindness.

 

I’ve gone into one of my episodes of feeling disconnected from everyone. I obsess about people not interacting with me online. I’ll see so many things I share go unnoticed… which is no big deal – I don’t expect people to respond to everything. But I start thinking nobody’s acknowledged me for such a long time… then I’ll scroll through and see the last time someone ‘liked’ something was two or three days ago, and I feel stupid for thinking it was longer, and feel like such an attention-seeker. But then I’ll check to see how long it’s been since someone even commented on something I posted – 10 days… and I’ll start thinking that my friends aren’t bothered about talking to me. Is it something I’ve said or done? Then I’ll check my messages – there aren’t any. There’s one, that I haven’t replied to yet, and until I do, my inbox will be empty for all eternity.

 

Then I feel I’m alone with my mental illness. The most isolating, misunderstood, painful illness.

 

Then the physical loneliness of actually being away from people at the moment.

 

And then the thoughts of my granddad come in.

 

I tried a few things to stop myself from resorting to the usual… I immediately picked up my knitting and went and sat with the gerbils. I had a shower. I made myself an ice cream in a cone and started watching a film… couldn’t focus on it, so started writing this… was getting upset so messaged someone…. but I feel so ill now I just want to finish writing this and go to sleep.

 

The fact I’m alone is glaringly obvious tonight. The silence is gut-wrenching. The scream in my chest is overpowering. The hopelessness is drowning me. But all I can do is pray for a better day tomorrow.

Expectations, BPD & The Hijacker.

Expectations.jpg

 

Do I expect too much? Am I too demanding? It’s a serious question. Everywhere I turn I’m met with people saying not to expect too much from others… that they all have their own lives and issues to contend with…. and that people aren’t always going to react how I want them to. Does this mean I should stop asking them to? Do I need to stop reaching out for help? Do I need to stop expecting people to care?

 

Because if the answer is yes, then that is asking me to return to ‘doormat’ status. It’s telling me that I’m unimportant. If you’re telling me that other people don’t expect care and concern from others, then I don’t believe you. Or perhaps they don’t expect it…. but they get it nonetheless.

 

Whenever I hear these sentiments I end up feeling like I’m ‘attention-seeking’ or that they think I am. And one of the things I hate about that is that even if I was after ‘attention’ does that mean I don’t deserve it? People seem to have this aversion to what they deem to be ‘attention-seeking’. They think those asking for attention (i.e. care) should be punished by denying them what they need. They should be taught not to ask for attention, or to ask for it in a more ‘acceptable’ way. Please tell me what the right way to say ‘I need help’ is…..? How do ‘normal’ people get the support and care they need, that I’m clearly not doing right? I want to know. Because others seem to get support and care, yet I’ve lived my life almost having to beg for it at times – my worst times. And still my pleas are ignored.

 

At which point people would say that people have their own lives and concerns – as though I’m thick, self-centred or totally unaware of other people. I’m not being self-centred by asking for help, and if you think I am then off you trot, as you are detrimental to my mental health. You have no clue how many times I DON’T reach out for help. How much I tolerate on my own. So when I reach the point where I verbalise things on Twitter or Facebook, that’s after I’ve exhausted all other possibilities. Sure I write my feelings out on my blog, but I don’t expect everyone to read it and to react. That’s not what it’s for. Of course if it will help them understand my state of mind, then great. But it’s an outlet. When I am honest on social media that I’m struggling, it’s saying I need help. I’m sorry if I do that too often. I’ll try not to do it at all.

 

But I see other people reaching out for support, and being granted that support wholeheartedly … yet when I need support it’s given either reluctantly or with the caveat that I shouldn’t expect too much from others, or I can’t always have what I want. What is that about? Do people think I’m thick? Clearly they do. I’ll tell you – my ‘expectations’ of others, comes from what I witness. I’m not thinking I deserve special treatment..… I’m thinking I deserve the same treatment that they give to others!! Is it because I’ve been too open and honest about BPD? Do people think they ‘know me’ now because of that? Do they think it makes me an attention-seeker who should be ignored? Do they think it makes me ‘manipulative’? Does it make them see me differently? Or perhaps it’s just a continuation of my lot in life….. I’m always below everyone else.

 

All throughout my adult life in particular I’ve been littered with comments that made me feel as though I’m too demanding. Generally speaking though I’m pretty laid-back. I’m less demanding than a lot of women out there. However, when I’m in a dark place, I’m upset or someone hurts me, I am a little more what you like to call ‘demanding’. I expect more. I expect more effort.

 

The point is that whenever I’ve had to practically BEG for this ‘attention’ – love, care, respect etc., I’m not actually asking for miracles. I’m not asking for the world. I’m asking for the basic respect, love and care that every human being needs, and seems to get. What is it about me that makes people think I don’t deserve what everyone else gets? It makes me feel like less of a person. It feeds the part of me that just feels like a nuisance to others, who should do them all a favour and die. I’m tired of fighting to be acknowledged. I’m sick of battling to matter, to anyone. I’m fed up with having to ask for what I need, when it’s given willingly to other people. It gives me this feeling of ‘I’m terribly sorry to bother you with my crippling pain and sadness, but could you just give me one little sign that I matter to you please? I know that’s asking too much, to take time out of your day to say “I hope you’re okay”…. I won’t bother you again for another six months after that…. thanks for taking the time out of your life to acknowledge I exist. You’re the best’. That’s how it feels being me. It’s like that thing of ‘Children should be seen and not heard’…. except that I should be neither seen nor heard.

 

Most of the time I just stay out of everyone’s way. I let them have it their way. I let them forget I exist. I bottle my feelings up and cope with them on my own, in my own way. But every now and then I start to resent that I’m made to live this way. I start to get annoyed that they’re happier when I don’t exist. I get pissed off that they make me feel so worthless for asking for help… and it explodes in a blog, or in a tweet, a post, whatever….. I then get kicked down for speaking out about my resentment. I get reminded I’m asking too much of people. And the cycle continues… I go back into hiding… don’t bother people. Don’t reach out for help….. give the people what they want….. ‘Oh, it’s getting too much for me again…. why is nobody even concerned if I live or die?’ BOOM. And shot down again.

 

The last time this happened I said to myself that from now on I will say what I want, and to hell with what anyone thinks of it. But I don’t really work like that. So I’m going to go back into my shell, and try not to explode again. I just have to learn that I’m irrelevant. I’m unimportant. I’m nothing. And anytime my ‘ego’ tries to speak up for itself and tell me that actually I DO matter, and it’s wrong of people to make me feel like I don’t, I need to put it in its place. I have to keep reminding myself I’m only here to be used and abused. I’m here to be taken for granted and taken advantage of. I’m here for no other reason than to wait to not be here anymore. I’m even breaking the rules by writing this blog. It’s ‘attention-seeking’. So please show me no attention for it. I don’t deserve it.

 

I just feel sad, as life has changed so much. Ever since my granddad passed away, and I had the issues at therapy, I’ve gone downhill. I’ve never been this unwell. I don’t know how to pull myself out of it. I know I have to do it alone. I remember a time I had depression and had to pull myself out of it. I know how it works with depression. But I’ve never truly experienced the full force of BPD symptoms like this. And people are less understanding and forgiving of such symptoms. They understand depression. They don’t understand the behaviours caused by BPD. They think I’m choosing them. They think I’m being a bitch. They don’t understand the raging fire inside… the battleground…. the carnage I see when I close my eyes. They don’t understand how sick of the rollercoaster I am.  How sick I am of feeling ‘okay’ more or less, to then being paranoid, thinking everyone hates me, I can’t trust anyone, I have no friends… within days – hours even. And how long it takes to recover each time my mind takes me to that place. I’m sick of it meaning I need people to make more effort to prove I’m not as worthless as I’m led to believe. Because that makes me ‘too demanding’, which reminds me of how utterly worthless I am. And I then hate myself for daring to think I matter at all. I seriously hate myself.

 

I am so sick of splitting on friends, that I purposefully distance myself from them, because they don’t deserve that. It’s better I’m lonely than splitting on them every other week. It’s not something I choose to do. But I can choose to isolate myself, to spare them my ‘mood swings’. It’s better that I AM alone, than to tell them I FEEL alone, even with their presence.

 

It's like I've been hijacked by some bastard intent on killing me... but ruining my life first. And I'm trapped with him, because as much as I'd love to just take a pill, close my eyes a

 

 

I can’t help how I feel. It’s part of the illness I’m struggling with at the moment. I wish people would understand that. It’s a terrifying place to be. I don’t feel in control of my own mind anymore. Sometimes I even lose control of my body during my ‘episodes’. It’s like I’ve been hijacked by some bastard intent on killing me… but ruining my life first. And I’m trapped with him, because as much as I’d love to just take a pill, close my eyes and leave this world and all this torture, I can’t. That bastard shares a space with my conscience, and the two don’t get along very well. Every time he tells me to end it, my conscience fights back… but eventually everyone gets worn down. Its resolve won’t be infinite. I feel as though that hijacking bastard is going to win. He’s already taken over so much of me. He’s driven me down a path I can’t return from on my own.

 

Months ago I witnessed it happening. In those days I was making videos and blogs asking for help, it was because he had taken the wheel, taken me hostage and was driving me away from my friends. I needed them to get my SOS and pull him out of the driver’s seat. I knew he’d lead me somewhere bad. And he did. My SOS back then was ignored. Now, months later, I’m out of the vehicle – he’s still with me, with a gun to my head, but I’m at a crossroads, assessing which way I could run to get away from him. It’s a barren desert… nothing in any direction. I’m lost. I’ve nowhere safe to hide. I don’t know how to get back to where I was when that bastard got hold of me…. which direction do I go in? And there’s nobody in sight who can show me the way…  we drove away from them three months ago… we’re miles away now. I feel stranded and isolated. And I’m trapped with this madman as my only company. So even when people talk to me now, it feels as though it’s a distant whisper, or a phone call. So when anyone tries to help me, they’re speaking into the phone trying to direct me by saying ‘Come this way!’ … it means nothing when you can’t even see where they are. I need someone to drive and find me, take my hand and lead me back home. But if they didn’t care enough to stop the hijacker in the first place, they’re hardly going to go to that amount of effort to find me and bring me back.

 

I don’t feel like the same person anymore. It’s a terrifying, desperate, lonely place to be. To feel so utterly detached from everything… everyone. To see no light. To feel like you’re suspended in darkness. To not know who you are anymore. To not like who you are anymore. But to feel out of control. Powerless. I feel as though I’ve lost everything. I feel as though nobody likes me anymore. I feel closed off. I don’t know how to be me anymore… not with these people. When I close my eyes I see a world flattened, burning, bloodied bodies, a lonely rowing boat – as though I finally drifted back to the shore and everything’s changed… destroyed. This is how I see the world now. And the safe haven I wish I could run to, I can’t. It’s not mine to run to. I just have to stand alone in this empty, broken world, grieving for all that’s been lost.

 

I feel detached from kind sentiments. People can say lovely things to me, and they can’t be about me. It doesn’t match with who I’ve become. It’s like they’re paying tribute to some deceased woman they used to know. I’m not her anymore. I don’t know how to relate to people anymore. I’ve been lacking proper human connection for a long time. And there’s a lot of water under the bridge now. Even when I’m in touch with people, things can plod along for a short time, but when I’m left alone things change…. because I’m never really alone now. That damn hijacker’s there beside me feeding me doubts, paranoia, misery and trying to drive me further away. This is BPD to me. A hijacker. I’ve never thought of it as a separate entity, I’ve always just seen it as a part of me. I still think of it as me – I don’t see a person. I don’t hear a person. It’s something that resides in me. But I thought it might help explain it to others, if I described it as another being that’s taken me prisoner…..because that’s what it FEELS like to me. I’m a hostage to this part of me. Would anyone ever pay the ransom to get me back…?

 

I ask for too much from people by asking that they care… that they talk to me…. that they acknowledge my existence or my pain… that they respect me… that they speak up in order to save my life. I’m sorry. You try living with a hijacker in your mind day in day out. You’d call out for help too. My calls fell on deaf ears for such a long time. I’ve come so far and feel so lost that there’s no point in calling for help anymore. Nobody can save me now. I will burn and decay out in this desert, and one day when they find my bones they will ask, ‘Why didn’t she ask for help?’ as they all do when it’s too late. They miss the signs. They say the wrong things. They tell me to expect nothing, as if my life is dispensable. Only when I’m gone will they change and say I deserved more. Life’s funny like that… or rather death is…. it gives you a new perspective. I learned that recently.

 

It’s just me and the hijacker and our journey to God knows where now. I feel very guilty and sorry to those who try to help. To those who care. To those who are now trying. I don’t know if I can be saved… not with this bastard’s gun to my head. He doesn’t want me to go back. And I’ve been his prisoner for so long, that I don’t feel safe going it alone, without him. I’d rather his company than total isolation. We’ll travel through this desert together. Everything’s flat here…. it goes on for miles and miles…. of nothingness….. we journey on, with me just waiting for it to end. This is no life. Who could even ‘exist’ with this? It’s purgatory.

 

When I close my eyes I see a world flattened, burning, bloodied bodies, a lonely rowing boat - as though I finally drifted back to the shore and everything's changed... destroyed. This i

Floating Away.

It’s been a while since I posted on here. In all honesty I’ve been keeping to myself more, plus I was away last week, watching my brother’s place and pets. It was meant to be a chance for me to get my head together…. to gather my thoughts and figure out what I wanted to do about things… it was meant to be a holiday. It was anything but. It was hectic and stressful. I hardly had any time to myself, and any time I had I was too tired to write or figure things out. So yesterday was the first day I’ve had time to reflect and get back to reality…

 

The truth is I don’t know how I feel about anything. I don’t feel too different to how I did before I went away. I feel as detached from others as I did then. A great chunk of my life I’ve been isolated and life has gone on for others. For me it’s as stagnant and miserable as ever. The amount of things I’ve gone through in the past weeks, and had nobody to share it with…. the amount others have been through, and they didn’t share with me…. I feel so disconnected from the world. It makes it feel like I’m not real or necessary.

 

I honestly feel so closed off from people, that it makes me isolate myself further. It makes me shut down. The more you distance yourself from others, the harder it is to come back from it.

 

In reality I know things are different. People have spoken to me here and there. But I still feel like I’m in that episode of X Files, where Scully is in a coma, and we see her sitting in a rowing boat attached by a rope and she’s just staring back at those on the shore… expressionless, silent… I feel like life is happening on the shore and I’m just sat drifting in the water, with no motivation to reach land anymore. It’s like I’ve forgotten what it’s like to stand on solid ground.

 

There are things I should be doing, people I should be contacting, but I feel so lost for how to approach these things now. I had intended to do it during my break, but there was hardly time to think about myself let alone anyone else! So now it’s been put off, and I’ve not thought about things, I feel more distant again. I feel the block there. I should have done things straight away, but the days before I went away were extremely busy. This was the first day in ages I’ve had time to stop and think, and it’s not a nice feeling.

 

The trouble is I should be showing concern for other people. I should be there for them. I should be trying to fix broken relationships. I should be feeling bad for not being there… maybe in a few days I might get to where I need to be, when I actually allow myself to think about these things. But right now I feel as lost and broken as I did before. There are reasons, good reasons why people weren’t there for me. And being the person I am I should be responding to those reasons with compassion, understanding and caring… but knowing why I was neglected doesn’t mean I’m suddenly feeling better about it… it doesn’t change the fact I was left alone for so long… too long… that now I can’t claw my way back from this. I understand the reasons people weren’t there… I always knew that people have their own lives and problems… I knew that was a strong possibility… but it doesn’t change how I feel. It doesn’t change the predicament I’m in now. And that bitterness I feel is stopping me from expressing what I should be expressing to the people I care about. I didn’t know what was happening for my friends. I do now. And my natural reaction is to care, to forgive and understand. But I can’t shake the fact that I never hid what was going on for me, and their reaction was not to care, forgive or understand. This prevents the care coming from my mouth. I do care. I care too damn much, but I’ve also been alone so long now I had to learn to care about myself too. This means feeling annoyed and let down by others. I then have to feel guilty for not readily accepting the explanations of those who weren’t there. I should be forgiving. I should be understanding and compassionate. I should let go of my own ego and patch things up with people. But I feel too damaged.

 

Explanations rarely make me feel better… they sound more like a way of dodging responsibility for how I feel, and trying to turn it round so that I’M the one who feels bad. That never makes me feel better. I’m feeling better than I was… because there are reasons for it now. But those reasons don’t take away the suffering I experienced in the last few months. It doesn’t make it all better. And I have to decide on my own which path I’m going to take going forward. I have no sounding board. So it’s taking a long time to do anything, and in the meantime I’m pulling away. Some people care. The majority don’t. But whether they do or don’t care no longer matters to me. I’m as detached from those who care as I am from those who don’t. And I don’t know how to put it back to how it was.

 

I’ve never experienced this before. When my friends hurt me in the past I hated them for a while, and then they got filed under ‘I no longer care about you / you’re dead to me’.  But I always had someone else to keep me open. This is new… this is a whole other level. This is ‘no longer caring’ about anyone…. even if I do care, it’s not enough. It’s not that they’re dead to me. It’s that I’m dead to them. I’m dead to myself. And as much as people may have tried messaging me and keeping me open, it’s not enough. I’m closed. I was already closed by the time they tried to help. They waited too long. I’m closed to hope. I’m closed to friendship. I’m closed to life. I’ve never felt so far away from the things I want in life. I’ve never given up to this degree.

 

There’s no happiness. No joy. No belief in love for me. No children in my future. No ambitions. No hope. No excitement. No light at the end of the tunnel. No recovery. I’m being consumed by darkness... it’s all I see when I think of the future…. it’s within me, encasing my heart in a bitterly cold tomb… it’s changing me into someone nobody likes, not even myself. It’s all I see when I look within now. I can’t possibly tell you the good things about me right now… all I see is darkness and every excuse under the sun to turn and run away from me. Everything I touch dies. Everyone I love leaves. And every second of this existence hurts me.

 

I’m sorry for this negative post. I should have left that door closed.