Forget ’13’… My Endless Reasons Why.

All Truths Revealed

Personal rant, will definitely involve much effing and jeffing. And dark and potentially triggering material.

 

 

I am so invisible it really wouldn’t even matter what I write anymore. I am literally SCREAMING at people to help me, to notice me, to care, to be my friend, to save me as I don’t want to exist anymore… I am constantly screaming my feelings out in writing about how invisible I feel, and nobody notices and says anything….. because I’m invisible. So fuck it. No holding back now. Might as well throw all my feelings out there uncensored, as nobody will fucking read them anyway. And if they do none of them plan to talk to me ever again anyway. They’re happy to leave me feeling like a ghost until the point I choose to become one. So FUCK. IT.

 

Life has been unkind to me. I was lonely growing up. I was bullied. Fuck the bullies. Anyone who ever made me feel like I was an alien for being quiet. Anyone who picked on me because I was an ‘easy target’. Fuck you. I hope life dealt you a few blows as you grew up. To the guy who teased me about my hairy arms… fuck you. I shaved them for years after that. But now I’ve grown it back in the last six months or so, so you can go fuck yourself. To those who called me ‘spot’ and made fun of my hairiness at school and for not shaving – I was a fucking child, not a slut – you may have been grooming yourselves to sleep with boys, but I was never that way inclined. Plus it might please you to know there’s a term for what was ‘wrong’ with me at school – PCOS. Look it up. Educate your children not to fucking pick on someone for things like that…. don’t want them turning out to be bitches like you. For the girl who bullied me in front of a class every week – fuck you. You messed my life up forever. I hope karma hits you hard. For that class, and teacher, for allowing it to happen without defending me. Fuck you. You started a pattern in my life and made me feel I was completely worthless and invisible to everyone.

 

To the teacher who called me a stupid girl for burning my fingers in cookery class. Fuck you. You showed me up in front of a class in my first year of secondary school – no wonder one of my biggest triggers now is public humiliation!! To the teacher who told me off for going to my parents & head of year about her behaviour instead of her directly – fuck you! You should never have been a teacher, vile little troll. To the guitar teacher who was appalling at it, taught inappropriate songs, inappropriately flirted with one of the older students, and when reported, LIED, vindictively smeared me and my family – FUCK YOU!! I haven’t forgotten. You will pay for it one day when the truth is revealed.

 

To those at college who gave me ‘the look’…. that look that says ‘Oh God not her…. stay away from me’…. ‘weirdo…. I want nothing to do with you’ – fuck you all. You may not have liked me but that was the beginning of my mental health problems. I had just started self-harming. Would you have been less judgemental if you’d known what I was going through?

 

To the person who ran the art club I volunteered at, who often made me feel like shit… like I wasn’t doing good enough…. who used me… didn’t appreciate me… and made me feel like an utter freak for making a fucking mistake with the drinks – fuck you forever. That has never left me. You taught me I can’t make mistakes without needing to punish myself for it. I did. I cut myself in the corner of the hall, where kids could have seen me doing it. That’s on you bitch.

 

Fuck you to the bus driver who pretended to kidnap me, when I was the only one getting on that bus, at night time, alone. Lucky I dented my wall, and not your bus or your face.

 

To those in the office who made jokes about self-harm, ultimately making me feel uncomfortable to work with you anymore. Fuck you.

 

To Robbie, for leading me on, whilst secretly shagging Rachel, who kept giving me the evil eyes, yet is now married to a woman, and you then saying you weren’t ‘fannying me around’ during a difficult conversation, leading to me leaving FB and my life crashing into nothingness. Fuck you. And fuck her. You were supposed to be people who helped people like me. You set in motion things that would destroy me. I could’ve gone on to do great things if I hadn’t felt forced out by you two.

 

To Adam, for admitting you liked me, kissing me and then fucking off up north without so much as a goodbye. Ghosting me and giving up on our friendship. Treating me like I meant absolutely nothing to you. Fuck you!! Yeah, you were my first damn fucking kiss. You were my first experience with men, and that set me on a path of bad experiences with men, so that I now will never trust one ever again. I deserved better treatment than that, especially from someone I considered at the time to be one of my best friends.

 

To Evan for shagging that Hana girl in the two weeks before breaking up with me. For telling me not to make you feel guilty about that – fuck you. For breaking up with me instead of letting me be there for you. For stringing me along, hurting me, using me, telling me you couldn’t give me what I wanted and two days later being in a relationship with your now wife – fuck you. For getting back in touch with me three years ago, then suddenly unfriending me and never talking to me again, leaving me wondering what I’d done wrong – fuck you! But at least you once apologised to me for the hurt you caused me. It’s more than anyone else ever did.

 

To Joe, for completely obliterating my self-esteem, my faith in men and my ability to love. For using me. For playing with my feelings like it was a game, when I genuinely had feelings for you for some reason. For wasting my time and stopping me from seeing the one damn person right in front of me who could’ve been mine, had I not been caught in your web. FUCK YOU TO HELL! You broke me. I never want a relationship now because of you. I don’t trust men. I don’t believe a man could ever see anything in me now, other than an ego stroke and a sex object. But then I feel too fat and ugly now to even be seen as that thanks to you – you lost interest in me as I gained weight, and tried to palm me off onto one of your friends, obviously telling him how to try and get something out of me – ruining our friendship, as I most certainly don’t want anyone who ever reminds me of you and what you did to me. Fuck you. You stood me up so many times. You ran away. You ghosted me. You accused me of ‘overreacting’ to you cancelling – when you did it all the time and I have BPD you arsehole! So repeatedly rejecting / abandoning me would cause a reaction which is extremely normal. An overreaction would be keying your car or kicking you in the balls. I sent emotional messages. Get over yourself darling. You got off light. You made me feel cheap and worthless. You treated me like a whore, when I should be treated like a damn queen! Thank God you never had me and never will.

 

But fuck all you ‘men’ for making me feel there is nothing to value in me other than someone to stroke your egos, or something else. Why the fuck do men see women as objects rather than people with emotions and something to offer. Maybe it’s just me they do that with. I was a kind, loving, giving, down-to-earth, loyal woman. I had so much to offer. I was good ‘girlfriend’ if not ‘wife’ material once upon a time. And you all completely trashed that, so that I now don’t believe I’m good enough for a good man. Why did you not see and value the love I could give…. the kindness in me…. and treat me with respect?? Why did you treat me as though I was some cheap slut who you could play mind-games with?! WHY!? You treated me so badly that it brought out elements in me that you went on to demonise. You did that to me. You changed me in to something you didn’t like and then used it as a reason to ditch me, and ultimately I didn’t like what I became either. I’ve never learnt to like myself again since. So fuck you all.

 

Fuck you Lucy for being a pathological liar. You lied about everything, from having cancer, being raped, jobs in Italy, how Nick felt about me, and even your mum dying. I know she didn’t. I researched and found her online, alive and well. You’re a liar. You also never paid me back for a Westlife ticket. You’re a user and a thief. You took my intellectual property and uploaded it as your own. You didn’t take it down when asked. I should’ve taken action against you for that.

 

Fuck you Nick for being a dick. You took it out on me, when it was Hannah and Lucy stirring things … I was being told different things by different people. I just wanted you to talk to me yourself. I only heard through those two, and Hannah was being unpleasant at the time, so I thought Lucy had my back. She was a liar. I didn’t know that. She was a new friend! So to take it out on me like you did was shit. I made a mistake and you destroyed me for it. You ended that message by saying ‘How you think messaging me all the time is going to make me like you, I really don’t know’. To someone with BPD that is murder. I will never forgive you for that.

 

Fuck you Cheryl, for warning me off your ‘husband’ even though you two had separated and you were actually with another man yourself by then. How dare you do that to me? You scared the shit out of me, because I am not ‘the other woman’ and never would be! You made me feel like I was a bad person but I was simply having conversations with Joe  – you two were finished. You were doing it to try and ruin Joe’s life – I don’t blame you after what he did to you, but fuck you for taking that out on me, someone totally innocent, who would never hurt anyone.

 

Fuck you Jessica, for always picking fights with me about politics, just because you couldn’t accept a different opinion to yours. You made it personal too by saying it’s good I don’t have any children – FUCK YOU TO HELL! You have no idea how that felt. My granddad had just died, and I was so upset that I was the only one of his grandchildren to have not got married…. I wished so much he could’ve met my future babies… it hurts me that it will never happen, and he won’t even be at my wedding let alone meet them. Within two months of losing him you were saying that. I also may struggle to conceive. I also likely won’t ever find anyone to have those children with. It was a very raw nerve. It was low of you to strike it like that. You were a child. I hope you’ve grown up since, though I highly doubt it. That was the shittiest thing a ‘friend’ did to me publicly online.

 

Fuck the ‘trauma therapist’ who traumatised me by publicly shaming me on Twitter because I was triggered due to past trauma. Fuck ‘Mouse’ and all those other pricks on Twitter last year, who attacked me for defending Boris… calling me a racist and stupid, and a troll even though I was posting on my own feed.. a troll posts on others’ posts to pick a fight. If anything they were the trolls. Intolerant lefty remoaner bastards. Fuck remoaners to hell and beyond. Fuck lefties. Fuck people. Fuck ‘democrats’ in America – they have Trump Derangement Syndrome, just as we have people suffering Brexit Derangement Syndrome here. That stupid woman (??) patronising and shaming me, calling me an arrogant know-it-all etc. for standing up against mental health stigma. Fuck her forever. Showed the vile nature of their side of the debate. Made me hate Americans after that. At least they’re not all deranged like her. But she fucking almost killed me. Screw the intolerant bastards who talk about tolerance, peace, inclusivity etc. and claim to be the decent people, when they treat others like that for having a different view to theirs – one day all lefties will realise they are on the wrong side of history and have behaved appallingly. Fuck them all.

 

Fuck you Gill. You never told me you liked Sam. I confided in you alone that I liked him. You waited until I was most definitely out of the country, you broke up with your partner, moved home and within a couple of days you were having your first date with Sam. You didn’t tell me for two weeks – after I’d seen you both together twice. The second time I was a third wheel and didn’t even know it! You knew it would hurt me. You knew what you would do, but gave me no opportunity to do anything about it. If you were any kind of friend you would’ve been encouraging me to tell him how I felt about him, not plotting to steal him when I was powerless and out of the country. I fucking hate you for this. You do not deserve my forgiveness. You’ve been married about three years (??) now…. I still don’t wish you well. You destroyed everything I had in my life. You took away my group of friends and kept them for yourself. You made me have to start again, only I haven’t been able to. I’ve never been able to rebuild my life or trust friends ever again because of you! You took away my trust, my hope, any future I might’ve had. You totally destroyed my beautiful friendship I was forming with Sam. You didn’t have to be with him. You didn’t have to latch on to the nearest single guy. You could’ve been alone for five minutes. I was happy for you that you broke up with your guy. You could’ve let someone else experience not being alone for a fucking minute, but no…. selfish. AND you clearly discussed my interest in Sam with Hannah, as she kept hinting to me that she didn’t like any guys she knew at the time, and it always coincided with times I talked to you about him. So when you claimed to her that you didn’t know I liked him, you lied. You knew, as you talked to her about it. You broke my trust in every way possible. Yes I miss you, but you didn’t fucking deserve my friendship.

 

Fuck you Sam… for just taking Gill up on her offer instead of waiting for me. Obviously you two are happy now, so you clearly had no interest in someone like me… despite being interested in my best friend who I thought was similar to me. I kept hearing that you did like me I just refused to see it. I see it now in the things you used to say to me. But I couldn’t see it at the time. I was new to men. I was low in confidence. I needed and deserved a guy to man up and ask me out. So fuck you for staying quiet. Fuck you also for the way you responded when I poured my heart out to you. You raved about your now wife and told me there was no betrayal, when you wouldn’t fucking know, because you benefitted from that betrayal. You don’t understand shit like that. She broke the code. She DID betray me. You had no right to invalidate me and say it wasn’t a betrayal. I had just lost EVERYTHING because of Gill. I was heartbroken. I had lost you. I found the courage to admit the truth to you, even knowing there was no hope as you were taken. I told you what your friendship meant to me… how much I’d miss you. I wished you well Sam. You said absolutely NOTHING of the sort to me. You ranted at me about how you thought you’d always be the awkward loser, a back-up nice guy, a boring stable man, blah blah blah… you didn’t have to be Sam! I was right there, another awkward fucking loser! Now I’ll be alone forever. If nice guys don’t even want me then there must be something seriously fucked up about me. I give up. You didn’t say you’d miss me, or that you wished me well, or anything to indicate you ever valued me as a friend. You talked about Gill being a ‘good strong friend’ – 1. Was I not?? And 2. Yes she was… until she stabbed me in the back. You only knew her for two months, I’d been friends with her over three years. So I think I knew her a bit better than you did, and your description of her didn’t match her. It matched me. And then when I first saw you at Lou and Scott’s wedding, before the wedding I said hello, and you blanked me. You hardly spoke to me. It was plain fucking rude and hurtful, and I had to text my mum about it as I was so upset! I thought you were a good guy, but the way you spoke to me when I was falling apart, having just lost everything, having expressed sadness at losing you, and the fact you even chose someone like Gill tells me you never deserved me. You were not as nice as you seemed. Your fucking loss, but nobody else’s gain. All men have seen to that.

 

And bloody hell fuck you Hannah. The Queen Bitch. The one who destroyed everything I had left in my life. You started it in fact. You always threw hissy fits when I tried to help with travel arrangements for the group. You always brought our disagreements to the attention of the rest of the group. You wrote statuses about ‘people being immature for writing statuses rather than talking directly to someone’, and then whenever I tried to talk directly to you about things, you said ‘I’m not discussing this anymore’, ‘It’s only an issue for you’, ‘You’re making an issue out of nothing’. How fucking dare you? Do you know that invalidating someone with BPD is about the worst fucking thing you can do to them?! I know you didn’t know I had it. But you should’ve done. And you would’ve done had I  felt able to trust you in regards to my mental health. But I remember a time you said the help I was getting wasn’t enough… that I needed more help. That you were worried my posts were a cry for help and I’d try and kill myself. You were blunt. You were something that rhymes with that too. I reserve that word only for the worst of people I’ve met. You upset me, then invalidated and shut me down. You removed yourself from the group message and started another one, excluding me, where you then talked about me… I know, Lou showed me your messages. I somehow ended up getting the blame, with Gill saying we needed to sort it out so they wouldn’t have to see you one time, then me, then you… when YOU were the one telling them that we couldn’t sort things out – which happened to be because you refused to listen to me and be nice. You didn’t tell them that did you?? You said to me that I needed to move on, stop making an issue out of things and making things awkward for our friends. I LET YOU HAVE MY FUCKING FRIENDS!! I knew I couldn’t compete with you, so I backed away, missed out on a lot and let you have my friends. That’s right Hannah – MY friends. Lou was my friend. Gill was my friend. You only fucking met them because of me! And what a fucking mistake that was. Look at the trouble it caused me introducing you to my two best friends. I had a right to talk to my best friends about what was upsetting me. They were my only friends, so I couldn’t go to uninvolved friends like you could. You had no right to restrict who I spoke to about your abuse of me. As it turned out nobody stood up for me or told you to fucking apologise to me, did they? No… I got the blame. I always get the blame. Oh until YOU blamed Gill for stirring between us and being a bad influence on you. Then you apologised to me, ditched Gill and became my friend… for a few weeks, before having a pop at me for nothing, blocking me… and when I showed sadness that it seemed like only one of us wanted our friendship (me), you launched into an attack about all the things I had apparently done… accusing you of going after Nick, then Sam, you said I make life difficult for myself by letting things get to me, you said I always seem to have a lot going on (on a day I was going for my first MRI of my brain), and the truth is everyone does, it’s just how you deal with it – that I’m very different to you…. then you accused ME of bitching about you to Gill, when it 100% never happened. There was no evidence it had. Besides I didn’t bitch, not in those days. You brought out the bitch after all that drama. Gill was the one to say things about you, so I figured you must’ve been right about her stirring…. so a year later I reached out to you to make amends and clear the story up. You refused to listen or speak to me. You messaged Lou, involving her just before her wedding, telling me through her that you didn’t want to hear from me again, and all the blocking you again and again, the negativity, not having any trust and criticising you as a friend, it’s not the sort of friend you ‘wont’ in your life. That wasn’t on that you bitched to my only friend about me. So I messaged you directly… I had to – Lou refused to defend and help me. She just replied ‘okay’… Should’ve been a red flag that she liked you and didn’t have my back. I asked you not to involve Lou, but you ignored that and carried on, telling her the reason you were so distant with her, was that I still wouldn’t ‘leave you alone’ and you were trying to make it so I couldn’t contact you. You were a drama queen Hannah… I sent you three messages in total. You were unreasonable, immature, disrespectful in the manner you dealt with it, and I had a right to defend myself given what you did. I was never going to get in touch again. I made that perfectly clear. You should’ve drawn a line under my last message to you. But you just had to have the last say didn’t you….. and well done…. it all ended up making Lou mad with ME! I had started ‘stressing her out’ before the wedding, even though I was the fucking one defending HER and asking you to leave her out of it…. nice that.

 

You two became friends again in 2016… given the shit you put me through and the trauma I experienced back then, it rightly upset and unnerved me. It drove a wedge between Lou and I. That’s not your fault. That’s Lou’s fault for how she handled it. I’ll come to that. But you blocked her when she oh so selflessly picked me and totally didn’t make me feel guilty about it!! And as soon as I was no longer Lou’s friend, there you were, or rather there SHE was on YOUR friend list. I’d wish her luck with you but sadly I no longer care… she clearly thinks the sun shines out your arse, just like everyone else believed while you were bullying me. Butter wouldn’t melt kind of smile. They never saw the bitch I was subjected to on many occasions. She’s chosen you over me. She’s welcome to you, as you are to her.

 

Wow, that was a long one. Well you did kind of ruin the last friendship I had, by putting doubts in it. Which leads me on to Lou. God I wish I was never having to write shit about you. I never thought you’d be this person you’ve become. The way you handled the Hannah thing in 2016 absolutely sucked. It was the start of my mental health deteriorating. My mum had been ill in the run-up to it all, and our falling out was in the lead-up to my granddad getting sick. It was not a good time. Anyway, Hannah reappeared. I was in distress. I wanted to end my suffering – I was feeling suicidal as a result, anxious, sick, crying all the time. I felt betrayed by you. I didn’t give you a fucking ‘ultimatum’. In fact I very clearly said I’m not going to tell you what to do. I just wanted you to show some ounce of caring, emotion and sympathy for how I was feeling. But it was like you couldn’t compute why I felt how I did. It was as though you thought I was making it up in order to try and ‘control’ you.  You said yourself that you didn’t think things were that bad between me and Hannah. That says it all. You didn’t BELIEVE me! How do you think that felt?? You were also invalidating my experience, like Hannah did… can you understand how that felt, given we were talking about Hannah! The problem with you was that it felt like you were putting your desire to not be told what to do, ahead of my wellbeing and our friendship of over a decade…. I couldn’t understand why MY friend from school who you hardly knew, was that important to you that you would jeopardise our friendship. It took you way too long to do the ‘right thing’, and even when you did that you made me feel guilty that you ‘did that for me’. You said you never wanted to talk about Hannah again as you couldn’t cope with it. Fuck you! How do you think I felt?! Why did it upset you so much?? Was it because I had made you do something you didn’t want to do, because of my reaction to emotional trauma? Or was it because you felt bad? Was it because you really loved Hannah as a friend? Even though she had blocked you for no reason, for two whole years…. I still cannot understand your devotion to Hannah. Friends are loyal. And they don’t make you feel guilty when they do something for you. The way you handled all of that really put question marks on our friendship. I think you held it against me ever since. It’s evident because you added her as a friend as soon as you dumped me.

 

I felt I couldn’t confront issues with you. Just like I couldn’t with Hannah. You might not have done what Hannah did – saying it was only my issue, move on, etc. but you gave me silence, and you stored up resentment and got ‘wound up’ when I expressed hurt. You turned it round to make it seem like I had hurt you by expressing that I was hurt! I couldn’t talk to you. Friends should be able to discuss issues without fearing losing the other.

 

So many of our problems came from my feelings of inferiority – feeling I wasn’t good enough to call you my friend. Being scared of losing your friendship or being replaced. I was ill last year… having a breakdown. I was grieving. You abandoned me at the lowest point in my life until this year. You misinterpreted a blog I wrote and attacked me for it, making me cut myself worse than ever, and having me calling the Samaritans at 1am. You pinned all blame on me, absolved yourself of any wrongdoing and said things would never be the same again…. what, because of your misunderstanding and my mental health symptoms?? You didn’t like me anymore after seeing what mental illness can do to a person? Yeah? Well then I fucking did deserve better than you. You were so concerned with what others would think of you after that blog, that you didn’t even stop to question if any of it was true, or how I felt. You didn’t give a shit about me. Just appearances.

 

I understand you had your own shit going on, but that was no excuse for the way you treated me… neglecting me all year, making me feel like a burden, rejecting me, blaming me and taking it all out on me just because you couldn’t cope with anything else…. that wasn’t my fault that you were having issues I knew nothing about, because you cut me out of your life! Just like if you and I were having issues you shouldn’t take it out on your husband, family, or other friends, if you were having problems with other people you shouldn’t have taken it out on me. Not at a time I was suicidal and isolated. That was unfair of you. I got the blame for issues you had with certain other people, but it was your fault for not dealing with things better – don’t blame me for causing arguments just because you can’t communicate maturely with people in your life. I did not cause you and this person to argue more. I have been blamed for that twice now. I will not accept that blame. It’s not my fault. The fault lies with you and your inability to deal with things properly and communicate between you.

 

I reached out to you, despite how shit you made me feel. I wrote at Christmas and sent the kids and you presents. You didn’t open them. You didn’t give your kids the presents I had taken the time and effort to make and choose for them. Who the fuck does that?  Involving the kids in an argument?! You don’t take it out on the fucking kids. You were saying you’d feel guilty keeping it all if we were to end things here – this tells me two things…. firstly you may have felt guilty for not giving me anything, and you have an issue with the feeling of guilt – that’s why you blame me and others, so you don’t have to feel guilty… hm… but that’s your issue… you need to learn to tolerate guilt and stop making others feel it instead… and secondly that you had it in your mind at that point that we were done. You had already given up on me. It was rude that you never acknowledged receiving them. You never thanked me for them, other than in your final message to me, saying that you received the parcels thanks, but… I take it you never did open them and just threw them away…. that or you thought they were shit, as I never once got a thank you for any of it, from anyone. That was awful of you. You totally snubbed me over Christmas – no card, no text, nothing. Fuck you for making me feel invisible. I’ve not been able to make myself be seen again ever since. I don’t exist anymore thanks to you. I felt invisible all last year – that was the problem. You were an absent friend…. as was everyone else…. I needed my friends, instead you neglected and abandoned me. So how dare you go out of your way to make me feel the most invisible I ever have?! I won’t forgive you now.

 

Because after Christmas I did the fucking running and chased you up, as I wanted to be able to move on. You started talking to me, but kept saying things like you weren’t sure what was best; you didn’t know if we could survive this etc. You seemed to think we’d sort it out better in the future (at least I think that’s what I translated from your message), as we’re both too stressed now. I wasn’t stressed. I was falling apart because of you. Because you were abandoning me. I was losing you and my Godchildren… the only good things left in my life. That wasn’t stress. It should translate as ‘I’m too stressed to deal with you – and always will be’. Yes I was ill and I was grieving. And you thought it’s best to leave me until a time I’m not under the pressures of those things?? Leave me alone to deal with it?? You abandoned me when I was grieving, and having a breakdown… who does that?? You’re wrong that we can sort it out in the future. You can’t just end things on that note with me, run away because you’re too stressed to deal with it, and then approach me (or more likely with you, wait for me to approach YOU – won’t happen) in a few months / years and pick up where we left off…. no… you left me feeling hated. You ABANDONED me, because of my mental illness. I can’t just forget that. I can’t forget the things you’ve done out of spite. And you’ve destroyed my bond with the kids. I can’t forgive that. I’ve missed eighteen months already…. and what, you want to leave this another year or two or whatever, and then sort it out?? I will never forgive you for taking them out of my life, giving me something else to grieve on top of my granddad, losing Liv and losing you. Nothing can buy back the time I’ve lost with them.  C used to look forward to seeing me. Now she won’t even know who I am! Do you not understand how utterly crushing that is?? I saw me being in their lives forever. I saw you being there forever. I was a forever sort of friend. And you pissed it all away as though I meant nothing to you.

 

You showed so much hesitation about sorting things out with me. But the problem was whilst you were doing that, you were posting about your wonderful times with everyone else but me. You increased the amount you did this, after I blogged about my paranoia and insecurity about just that sort of thing. So I think you did that vindictively. I couldn’t afford to see any more of that. So I suggested unfriending you, so you could be free to post about them and I wouldn’t get hurt. So that I could focus on my mental health and paranoia. But you could get in touch when ready. I wanted you to agree with my idea. You blocked me without a word. Fuck you. You knew that would hurt me. What the hell were you playing at?!

 

You then removed yourself from my Facebook group, after hearing from Scott that it would hurt me. That was done with malice and immaturity. There is no other good explanation for doing that.

 

And you’re friends with Hannah again now – is that why you blocked me, so I wouldn’t see?? Had you stayed friends throughout and been lying to me? Or did she unblock you, see we weren’t friends and ask about it and you two became bosom buddies again? You’re welcome to each other. You’re the same person now. You’re no longer like me. You’re like her. Just more covert. Either Hannah really was that important to you, or you wanted to send a ‘fuck you’ message to me now you were free to do what you wanted. It hurt. It was lousy. You should’ve been focusing on how to resolve things with me, not doing everything in the book to make things worse between us.

 

Then when Liv took her own life I reached out to you, as if that had happened to you I would still want you to know I cared and would be there. Well, I would have. I talked to Scott. You unblocked me. But the next day I had doubts as I couldn’t face being hurt by you anymore. And knowing you and Hannah were friends again complicated things and would’ve been a stumbling block. I couldn’t afford to deal with that as well as the grief. As soon as you found out about my uncertainty you re-blocked me… hurting me – just what I couldn’t afford to feel. Who blocks someone like that a day after they’ve lost someone to suicide? You apparently. Or the you you’ve become. We did talk by text a couple of times, where you asked if there was anything you could do – hard to answer when you were no longer willing to be my friend. It felt empty and distant. So that was that. You never checked up on me after that. We’re finished.

 

Oh and you moved house without telling me a thing about it. Bye by the way. Kind of like what Adam did to me – except you might not have moved up north… I have no clue where you are or what you’re doing anymore.  I can’t write to you now. I can’t message you online. Old phone’s dead. I guess you really are free of me finally. That’s what you always wanted. You just wanted me to be the one to make the call so you didn’t look bad. Fuck you.

 

Anytime I’ve tried to set the story straight and make amends with people they have refused to listen, and stuck to their misconceptions. I tried to make things better with Hannah, she went to Lou and said she didn’t want to hear from me again. I tried to make things better with Lou, she got ‘wound up’ and didn’t think our friendship would work anymore. Nobody has allowed me closure. Nobody has had the decency to give me a conversation before walking out of my life. They’ve all either ghosted me or slapped me with a ton of harsh words and false accusations, before slamming the door in my face.

 

You have all killed me. I’ve had to bear all of this, whilst working through health problems – physical and mental. I’ve had family illnesses, where my parents both ended up in hospital within 10 months of each other. My granddad also got ill in between that and eventually passed away 8 months later. The family fell apart after that, because of someone who still hasn’t apologised over two years later…. we never spoke again and never will at this rate. I had a breakdown at my group therapy two years ago almost, and have gone downhill since then – I experienced ‘transference’ with one of the therapists, so it destroyed me when the course ended and I lost him. I haven’t recovered. I just stuff it down, and it comes out in my dreams instead. Now my only friend I had left took her own life almost three months ago, which I cannot cope with. But have to cope with alone, as everyone’s pretending I don’t exist. I’m doing a charity walk this month, which I just finished on Saturday – having done over 26.2 miles, ‘raising money’ for the Samaritans… haven’t raised a penny. Nobody gives a fuck about me, my feelings, my grief, how alone I feel, about Liv… I just don’t exist. And nobody valued her enough to sponsor me. It wasn’t about me. It was about her. But it’s made me feel so isolated and invisible now, so what was the point?? I will be donating the whole amount of my target by myself now. That or writing to them to apologise that nobody cares enough to acknowledge me or help me. The only people who might’ve done it were Liv and Lou…. Lou abandoned me. Liv is dead. Both happened this year. So I have nothing left. I knew them both at least 13 years… my two longest friendships…. gone…. that’s two extremely traumatic losses. I don’t think anyone gets that. Nobody seems to have acknowledged or validated what I’m having to deal with right now. And I’m trying my hardest… I’ve even tried offering words of support to others, and been completely blanked by them, as if I’m invisible. I wish people could understand how hard it is to just breathe right now…. to go on living. I wish they’d show some appreciation that I’m trying, or acknowledge my existence. I feel I’m dead myself now. Anyway I had to travel on my own to a place I’d never been, to go and say goodbye to Liv…. not knowing if it was even okay for me to go…. but I had to be there. I was meant to see her five weeks later. I never got to see her again. I had to see her and say goodbye. But that was hard. I am so alone.

 

It’s unfair that she died when she did. She seemed happy at last. I was going to see her a month later, at last, for something we were both excited for. She couldn’t hold on that long. I never got to see her again. I never got to hug her. I wasn’t given the opportunity to save her. She abandoned me. Just like everyone else has.  It’s unfair that my ‘best friend’ abandoned me and didn’t even care enough to make things right after that happened. All these people wouldn’t even blink if I followed in Liv’s footsteps. That’s how little I matter in the world. This isn’t just my illness telling me nobody cares…. not anymore….. this is reality. Nobody cares. Or they’ll care too late.

 

Fuck anyone who used to like me before I became this ill, and who is now wary of me… fuck you. All I needed was your love and support….. to be made to feel I wasn’t an awful person…. that you understood me and weren’t going to leave me….. to feel I mattered and was visible. I understand mental illness isn’t attractive…. my outbursts, my words, everything… it’s not pretty and can be scary… but I didn’t choose this. This is illness mixed with a shit load of awful people who did awful things to me in the last ten years and in my childhood. Being left alone because of all that, it’s gut-wrenching. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. If you used to like me, but now don’t then fuck you. You could’ve helped me. But you all sat back and watched me self-destruct. You did this to me. You can’t blame me for what I’ve become as a result of you not giving a fuck about my existence.

 

Fuck anyone who has an issue with me writing this post. You are a part of the problem. Cause and effect…. you are the cause, this is the effect. You have no idea how much I’ve held in, for your sakes… how much I’m still holding back. If you didn’t want me to write this then perhaps you should have treated me better and thought more about our relationship than your own damn ego. All of you combined have created this monster of truth that you’ll all hate for speaking out. But honestly, how much did you really think I could take of people shitting on me, ditching me, silencing me, before I’d explode..? You can’t expect me to deal with all this totally alone. The alternative to this was quietly going off to die. I know some of you would prefer I did that, as you care more about how you look to others, than the devastating damage you have caused me.

 

Fuck anyone who ever made me beg for anything! I had to beg throughout school to hang around with people…. I had to beg to go in a limo at the prom, and was rejected on the grounds of being ‘boring’. I had to beg guys to talk to me when they were ghosting me. I’ve had to beg people to tell me they care about me, miss me, to show me friendship. I’ve had one person mentioned in here want me to be someone who begs for things. They want that sort of control over someone. NEVER. That was the point I realised I will never do that or be that person. I will never let anyone, particularly a man ‘tell me what to do’. I will never be in an unequal relationship – we’ll be partners, give and take, and I will never have to beg a guy for anything – he’ll shower me with love, care, affection, respect and support. If I cannot have this then I’ll settle for having nothing, as I have the last few years. I will not be controlled by anyone. I will not be made to feel less deserving and as worthless as that person made me feel. I will not have to ask for these very basic needs to be fulfilled. Either there is someone out there only too willing to give these things to me freely, without ulterior motives, or all men are sex-addicted pricks and will never deserve me. And I will die alone, having never experienced the love of a man.

 

I’m now starting to realise I have no friends. I’m done begging. I’m going to go silent now. I’ll write on here, but nobody acknowledges me anymore… at a time I really need a friend, due to everything that’s happened this year. Nobody’s stepped up. So I’m done begging for friends. I’ll probably cry about the fact I’m alone, and I’ll whinge about how nobody cares etc. But I’m no longer asking them to be friends to me when all I get back is radio silence. It’s so painful to be on the end of that, when others get support when they cry out for help….. it’s so painful it makes me want to rip my own heart out and put my hand through a brick wall.

 

When you grow up lonely, have to beg for friendship, you’re bullied, you make friends who all go on to hurt and betray and abandon you, guys reject and abandon you, everyone ‘ghosts’ you, everyone starts dying around you, you’re stuck in a bubble of isolation and mental illness, tackling the battlefield of grief alone, you lose someone to suicide whilst trying not to kill yourself already because of everything else, and then you reach out for support, from anyone, and all there is, is silence….. that bubble of isolation violently bursts and you fall to the ground, every bone in your body breaking at once. You can’t get up or move. You’re powerless. You can’t breathe. You will your heart to stop beating. This is how it feels to be me now. I don’t want to live.

 

Nobody sponsored me. Nobody talks to me on Facebook, Twitter, here. I don’t have offline friends now. My world is closing in. I’m right back to where I was when I first got mentally ill after school. I’m alone. But it’s so much worse than that… because of everything I’ve been through since then. I thought it was the end back then. But nothing had really happened in my life. I hadn’t had my heart trampled on over and over again. I hadn’t had guys toy with my emotions and destroy my self-worth. I didn’t have friends who I trusted who betrayed and abandoned me. I hadn’t lost anyone. I was young and thin and had a whole life ahead of me. Now…. who knows. I feel like my life is over.

 

I’ve just had a two week ‘break’… but didn’t really have time to stop and sit and process stuff. The one day I did, I spent all day writing about my feelings, forgot to take my medication and ended up harming myself. So I have come to realise that it’s better to not stop. Not stopping may lead to overloading my mind and having a full nervous breakdown, like I was on the verge of two weeks ago…. but the other option is I have to sit and feel everything that’s happened… and I have nobody to help me with that now. I’m alone. I can’t afford to let it in, as it’s too monstrous… it would consume me. Either way I’m doomed.

 

And I’m not allowed to talk about it. I’m not allowed to write on my blog as it hurts others’ feelings…. fuck that and fuck them. What the fuck about MY feelings for a change?? Ever thought about those?? No. Exactly. So fuck you. If I talk about stuff then people get mad about it and use it as a reason to not know me anymore. If I don’t talk about it, it gets bottled up and explodes later in a worse way, plus I never have real relationships with people, as they’ve made it so I can’t approach them directly! So everything is fake…. all friendships have issues…. you use them to make you stronger, not make you drift apart. But if you can’t be honest with each other then it’s not a real friendship.

 

I’m just done with life. I’m done being me. I’m done with reality. All last year I was floating in a bubble of dissociation. Nothing felt real. I felt disconnected from everything and everyone. I felt invisible and isolated. Unless you’ve experienced dissociation you cannot know what that’s like, and for the reaction to reaching out of the bubble, to be that of anger, blame and shaming me for blogging… fuck, that hurts. Now if I’m in a bubble (which I know I said burst – but it’s like two realities at once – one I’m broken on the floor, the other I’m still floating around), I’m in a bubble within a bubble within a bubble. I cannot be reached. I definitely cannot be seen….. HELLO BITCHES!! … see, nobody would see I’ve written that. If anyone sees I’ve posted a blog, they won’t read it. If they do they’d have given up by now…. just like they all give up on me.

 

On the off-chance anyone is still reading, thank you so much for seeing me, and for tolerating such atrocious language and anger. I’m sorry. This has been a long time coming. I’ve held back a lot for a long time. And the pain I’m feeling right now is out of this world. It’s strange…. it’s like feeling overwhelming pain yet feeling numb at the same time. Again, like two things exist at once. I think the reality is that it all hurts too much that I shield myself from it, and feel numb as a consequence. But I’m numb because I feel too much…. not because I feel nothing. I wish I felt nothing. I wish I remembered nothing. I already don’t remember my childhood. I don’t have any happy memories of being a kid. Not because I didn’t have any. From what I can see in photos I had a wonderful upbringing. I don’t know why I can’t remember any of it. I can’t connect to the photos I see of me. It’s like they’re someone else. I guess maybe that would explain not really knowing who I am. How can you, when you rely on stories told by others about you. I have snapshots of things – but they’re always the bad things that happened…. like being picked on at school… but I don’t know my reaction to it… all I have to go on is what my mum tells me. I don’t remember much at all. I think there’s something wrong with my mind. All I remember are traumatic moments. The rest just vanishes. Even the Westlife concert I went to a few weeks ago… I barely remember it now. It’s fading away. It’s why I take as many photos of things as I can. To remember. But even then I can’t remember being there or how I felt. But these damn bad memories just play over and over again, relentlessly. And the pain I feel as a result, that’s not something I’ll forget anytime soon. Why can’t I forget the bad and remember the good? I have no good stories to tell people. I can’t remember them. All I feel is hurt and pain. Loss. Mental illness. Trauma. I wish I could forget all these awful people and the things they did to me. I wish I could be me, and know who that is. I’ve completely lost it somewhere along the line – changing to make others like me, after years of not being accepted at school. And then all those experiences mentioned above, have further changed me. I don’t know who I am anymore. It’s scary right now. Nothing feels real. I don’t feel real. I don’t want to be real. I don’t know who I am. I cannot trust anyone. I have nobody to talk to. No support. I don’t feel grounded. I have no reason to live anymore. I’m grieving the loss of someone who didn’t want to live anymore. Nobody knows how I really feel. Nobody would even care. Everyone leaves. I’m not meant for this world. What has been the point of all this pain…?

 

 

 

 

Rant: Near Breaking Point.

I’m so sick of living in a world where people don’t self-reflect! Where they don’t apologise. Where they don’t take responsibility. Where they project onto innocent people or blame them for being upset. I’m sick of selfish people making me out to be selfish. Shitty friends making me out to be the shitty friend. People judging a life and illness they have no clue about. People not realising their words and actions have consequences, and taking offence when those consequences come to be seen, thinking they’re the victims. I’m sick of being hurt by people yet me being the one who has to apologise. I’m sick of people saying the wrong thing the whole bleeding time. I’m sick of being invalidated, dismissed and misunderstood, or being made to feel like a failure. I’m just sick of it all. I’m sick of everything and everyone – is it any wonder I don’t want to participate in life when surrounded by people like that??

 

I feel close to breaking point today. After a couple of days with no bandage on I feel close to having to put one back on. I cannot cope with my thoughts. I cannot cope with people being offensive and then not understanding when people are hurt as a result. They’re everywhere. There’s no decency left in people. And no matter how much work I might do on myself, if others won’t look at their own behaviour they will continue to hurt me and be a barrier to my recovery. I’m sick of being the one requesting therapy, when I need it as a result of people who should be having therapy themselves. Sick of it. Sick of putting in efforts where others refuse to. So angry about this.

 

I’m feeling really low today. Partly after writing a blog last night which delved into some stuff… partly because of things various people keep saying that throw my head into turmoil and hopelessness…. partly because I feel so alone and misunderstood. And then there’s paranoid thoughts. Reminders of these people I described above. Snowballing thoughts. Until I’m left with the massive, confusing ball of emotions that usually ends up with a bandage of some sort somewhere on my body. Will try and not let that happen. But I’m really struggling today. Sometimes I think it’s better I just keep to myself. Yes it would be lonely. But life is so painful when other people are thrown into the mix. I just can’t take any of it at the moment.

Perpetual Past.

perpetual past

 

 

I’m at a bad point in my life in terms of my mental health. This is made worse by reminders of my past. I want to explain this here.

 

When I was at school I was bullied. I was socially excluded. I lived through breaktimes and lunchtimes on my own, stood at the side of the playground, watching others have their fun. Do you have any idea how lonely and humiliating that would be for a child? To not be accepted by your peers just because you’re quiet and shy, and actually willing to learn. I used to have to beg people in my class, if I could tag along with them, just so I didn’t feel so lonely and look like a sad loner. This was again humiliating, and risked rejection. I don’t know if I was rejected – perhaps I was sometimes, but I’ve blocked most of my childhood out so cannot recall. I was always seen as ‘different’ and paid the price for it by not being included.

 

The reason this is in my mind lately is because I feel socially excluded again. Nobody talks to me. I have to practically beg people to communicate with me… to care about me… I feel I’m standing at the side of the playground that is ‘life’, and watching everyone else get on enjoying living it, and I’m all alone, forgotten, rejected, abandoned and merely a spectator of everyone else’s joy. I have to ask for support from people. I ‘cry for help’ on social media, and everyone chooses the best thing to do with me is ignore me. They don’t take it seriously. They don’t realise how painful and frustrating it is to be ignored when you’re reaching out for help, and how humiliating it is at the same time, that I’ve put myself out there, publicly asking for care and support, and everyone can see that nobody is there for me. It’s public rejection. I don’t feel accepted by anyone. Because of my beliefs and also because of my mental illness.

 

I’ve had bad experiences with men, that’s why those experiences are very limited. There was a guy called Joe who was okay to begin with, but then he did the thing jerks do, which is to blow hot and cold. He’d feed me crumbs and I started to see them as slices instead. I would chase after his attention. I would degrade myself, trying to get him to return the feelings I had for him. It was never going to happen. I was just a game to him. I was an ego stroke and entertainment. I would spend so many nights crying my heart out over him… problem-solving with my friends about what was going on in his head, and what to do to ‘fix’ the situation. He’d seem interested and appear to change, only to vanish off the radar again a couple of weeks later… not talking to me for weeks… months at a time even. I kept getting rejected over and over again. I kept forgiving him and letting him back, exposing myself to more rejection further down the line. In the time he wasn’t talking to me I would obsess over the possibilities, for why that might be – maybe he was having troubles, maybe he got scared, maybe I offended him, maybe he was just busy. And ‘busy’ was another thing he’d use so often. The trouble is eventually ‘busy’ started to sound like an excuse. I’d already been through experiences where people said they were too busy… yet they seemed to have time for anyone else but me… he was one of those people too.

 

The reason this is weighing on my mind right now, is that the inconsistency and unreliability he showed me, is being reflected in my friendships. But the trouble is I have come to expect it from those friends. So it’s the consistency of the inconsistency if you see what I mean. It’s replicating the same feelings I experienced with Joe. For instance, I had some issues with a friendship, drifted apart from them, we sorted things and met a couple of times… things seemed like they might change… like they understood how I felt and what I needed, and then it reverted back to how it was before….. it felt like the ‘hot and cold’ ‘breadcrumb’ thing. My hopes became too high, that things would improve but it always ends the same. It really is making me relive those experiences and those same feelings as before. Which then makes me resent the friend for making me feel the same way he did. I’m not shown the level of care I need, so I degrade myself by uncontrollably having meltdowns quite publicly about my feelings, which mimics the levels I went to in order to get the care I wanted from Joe. The trouble is, where I used to problem-solve with friends about it, I can’t do this in this situation, because the very friend I would do this with, is the one I’m experiencing the problem with. So I’m alone in having to deal with it. It’s become routine to go anywhere between two weeks, to two months not talking to them. And the trouble I’m facing at the moment is I’m telling myself I’m done. No more forgiving. No more repeating this, as my soul can’t take it anymore. I’m telling myself to cut them off, so that I don’t have to keep reliving the same shit over and over again. In my head I’m treating them as though they are Joe, and just as he ran out of chances I feel they too are doing the same. And I hate that. I hate that I’ve become like this, but it honestly is like reliving those days, where I kept making excuses for his disappearing acts and lack of care. I’m telling myself there’s a good reason for it – but that doesn’t change the way I feel about it. It still hurts. I still feel let down. I tell myself it’s my fault and I’ve upset them, so feel the same guilt I did before… but then I also feel the same – that communication is needed. And this friend is busy. I know that. I know they have a life I could never understand, as I have no life. I’m not for one minute saying they’re making it up. I know it’s busy. But all I’m saying is when I already am reminded of Joe by this person, and I hear ‘busy’, I hear ‘excuses’, even though it’s not. It’s just a part of the flashback.

 

I had a group of friends. This gave me the support and social life / confidence I needed to get out there and live my life. Disregarding for a moment, the fact one of them betrayed me badly and ruined everything I had, as that’s not relevant to this post (it was the catalyst for the destruction of my life, but that’s another story)… one of them showed me up in front of the others, attacked me and badmouthed me, and I became alienated from the group. I was cast as the villain and people took her side by continuing to meet up with her, without challenging her behaviour and standing up for me. Their loyalty failed. This was very upsetting in itself because when I was at school, about age 12 or 13, I was bullied in front of the class by a girl named Lisa and her minions, and nobody stopped her. Not the people I regarded as ‘friends’… not even the teacher, who asked her to stop once, and didn’t bother once she went back to it. That was bloody humiliating and very upsetting. It showed me up in front of everyone and nobody defended me. So this encounter with my group of friends mimicked that. Nobody had my back against this bully of a friend.

This feeling has been repeated time and time again since… in the last couple of years a ‘friend’ kept attacking me because of my political views. She would pick fights with me and argue very publicly. She personally insulted me off the back of a political conversation, and rather than people saying it wasn’t right, most people defended her! They didn’t have my back. The one who did defend me had to put up with someone disagreeing with her, seemingly defending the ‘friend’. I get hurt, yet I feel since the encounter I’m alienated. I feel my time with that group came and went, because of the same sort of problems.

And then the latest group, where I don’t feel able to join in conversations anymore. Because of another case of political disagreement. I know I’m the outsider in that group when it comes to that. But also my interpretation of a situation (or the situation itself) was that as a result of something I said, they said something in the group and got all the support of everyone, making me feel excluded and like ‘the bad guy’ again. I admit I may have been wrong, but it seemed too coincidental, the timing. Even if things have moved on since then, I am unable to. I feel excluded and like they all hate me.

 

These things just keep repeating. And to be going through all those past experiences totally alone… reaching out for help and being ignored, it’s too much. I feel as though I’m dead. And I’m wishing that I was. I wish I could portray the feeling created by these experiences… I can actually see a depiction of the silent scream, but could never convey it properly for others to see. Sometimes I want to rip myself apart and then rip the very fabric of existence…. tear a hole in the universe and scream into it.

 

I’m not just battling depression, anxiety, BPD, paranoia, suicidal thoughts, self-harm, grief, loss upon loss upon loss… I’m battling my past. And it’s not a simple case of ‘let it go’. If I could I would, but people keep recreating my past for me. Nothing changes. I can’t forget it because people won’t allow me to by treating me better! The result is I think why bother living life if it’s always going to go the same? I can’t keep feeling the same feelings over and over again. I won’t.

 

My work experiences also keep repeating themselves. I keep facing things that caused me to leave past places. I have to fight to keep going and not let it force me out.

 

Even the transference issue I had at therapy last year was a replication of past issues… I wasn’t allowed to talk to Matt about my feelings and about the issue in order to resolve it and draw a line under it. As soon as they found out about it, three different female therapists would be the ones to deal with me. The one co-running the group with Matt would take over discussions with me. My individual therapist afterwards who was less than helpful, and then another one to deal with the issues I had in the group. Even though I felt I knew what was needed, it was passed off as some misguided hope of something – like I was clinging on and that it wouldn’t help. I’m sorry but I knew full well what I was thinking. And I still to this day feel angry that these women didn’t listen to me. I have been denied a sense of closure by every man I’ve met. This has destroyed my faith in men, has made me close off to them and given me attachment issues. I saw this as an opportunity to change all that. I felt if I could have had one last conversation with him, as a therapist, he could have fixed all those broken parts of me – all those heart-breaking beliefs I’ve been given by experience. He could have taught me that it’s okay to like someone who doesn’t like you back, and that it doesn’t mean you have to feel ashamed, or keep away from the person out of embarrassment. That things can be ‘cool’. He could have shown me that I can be rejected but still respected and wished well personally. He could’ve let me say what I needed to that I never got to say in the past to people… I could have said goodbye and felt there was a line drawn under it all. But because I obviously had to be kept away from him, this therapeutic opportunity was wasted and I feel all the worse for it. I feel I was denied a chance to grow and the chance for things to be different. I feel it was forced upon me, I was ripped away from him with no closure for my peace of mind, and I never got a conversation that I’ve been denied my whole life…

This isn’t me just holding on – look, I’m holding on now anyway, BECAUSE I didn’t get that sense of closure. I’m not healing and I never will, because I walked away with embarrassment, shame, feeling unheard, misunderstood and rejected – just not rejected by him, but the wall of female therapists who protected him, or protected me from him, or whatever….

I know from my own experiences how long it takes me to heal…. I’m still not healed from anyone else I’ve loved and lost. I know how long this will scar me for. How long it will affect me for. I just wanted a chance for it to be different this time. I didn’t want something from him. I didn’t want anything other than being set free… but by the person directly … by direct communication. I’ve only ever heard through other people or through silence. I deserve more than that. I’m really so upset by this at the moment. It’s the first time I’ve cried whilst writing this post. I just feel so annoyed that therapy should be about helping you, and about change. And they weren’t willing to help me see a change. They expect me to face the same circumstances and deal with that differently. No. I need circumstances to change otherwise I can’t live in this world. Because circumstances have taught me I’m worthless…. I don’t deserve honesty and direct communication… having feelings for someone is the start of goodbye….. I’m a fat, ugly, horrible person who makes people feel uncomfortable because of the intensity of my emotions…. and that men can’t be trusted and will never treat me well.

They missed an opportunity to heal me. If I was in America and paid to go private they’d have allowed it. They’d have cared about doing what was necessary to bring about a change. But since they missed the chance, my life will continue on a loop… nothing will change… I will face the same problems again and again… and there will be no better opportunity to challenge those demons and make things right – it was the most open I’d been and it took a heck of a lot of courage to admit to my feelings to them all… it was all for nothing in the end. They missed it. They got it wrong. They didn’t help me early enough and when they did, they didn’t hear what I was saying. They thought they knew better as they’re the professionals. Nobody will ever give me what I need to heal – a conversation in person… that was the chance. It’s gone now. So I have to keep going through life being rejected and avoided, treated like shit… I’ll probably never put myself out there ever again, because it always ends the same. It’s ironic that the whole course was about dealing with vicious circles, and when I tried to break mine and do things differently, they didn’t allow me to do so. I blame them for not only keeping me stuck where I was, but for digging me in deeper, making it harder for me to ever break out and be free. I’m angry with them.

 

I’m just so sick of people cutting open old scars and not understanding why I’m bleeding and why it hurts so damn much! They just run away and leave me to bleed to death.

 

As it happens I am now reliving my youth… I’m in the same place I was in my late teens…. having only my family…. struggling with my volunteering…. too down and anxious to leave the house…. the worst I’ve been in many years.

 

All I’ve ever wanted was a chance to move forward, but those around me just won’t let that happen. When the chips are down they’re nowhere to be seen. And my life spirals round and round, down into my past and washes away any progress I made. I’m in a much worse place now than I was two years ago. Life has gone to hell. I’m weary of it all. Sometimes I wish I could sleep forever…

 

 

Silence My Voice.

my voice

*Self-harm & bad language*

 

4th June 2018

 

It’s official. This is my only space where I have freedom of speech. If it upsets people fine, don’t read. But I’m tired of being picked on. I’ve just been on my self-harm support forum, and got a message from a moderator telling me they’ve deleted some of my posts, for ‘excessive political discussion’ – this was a targeted, politically motivated attack on me. I didn’t ‘discuss’ politics – it was in a rant thread which gets no replies. It was not aimed at anyone on the forum. It was letting out my emotions while I watched a TV programme – I chose there, as I get attacked anywhere else. I thought it was safe. I was very brief and succinct… it was aimed at people on the panel. What is this world coming to, that I’m not even allowed to criticise a politician that others obviously like…? This is what I received, and I’m going to explain why it’s wrong….

 

 


 

 

 

Dear ********

We have removed the following sections of your recent ranting posts, as we felt that they tipped into excessive political discussion, which is only really suitable within a new/debate thread, and even then would be considered ‘flaming’ of people whose opinion differs from yours,

Quote:
Utter bullshit Umuna. Tosser. Like your tosser party. Bunch of twats the lot of them.
Quote:
Oh here’s another dick, repeating the same line – ‘it wasn’t on the ballot paper’ – do they not fucking watch the programme…. they keep repeating the same bullshit, like lemmings. You all sound like utter idiots when you say those words.
Quote:
Aw fucking lefty twats on the panel and the audience. Why the hell did I watch this. Disrespectful pillocks.

Please be mindful that this is not a politically based forum or a place where it is appropriate to be insulting towards people of a particular political affiliation (in this instance, pro-remain voters) and try to be more respectful of people whose view differ from yours.

*****
On behalf of the Forum Moderators

 

 


 

 

A moderators decision is final, and must not be questioned on the forum. It can be discussed privately with them, but given that confrontation triggers me, that’s not a possibility for me. This sent me into one of my episodes last night. Rage, self-loathing, hatred of the human race, suicidal feelings, self-harm.

 

I am going to talk about it here, because this is my space and nobody has the right to shut down my voice on here – it’s the one place I will not let them touch. I’ve been shut down everywhere else, and as the rules state I can’t discuss it on the forum, I’ll take it outside the forum instead, if that’s the way they want it.

 

This theory that it’s ‘flaming’ people with a different opinion to me… I feel like testing that theory on the forum, and posting my opinions on other topics…. I could equally say that meat eaters are murderers (I don’t think this by the way – I just wonder if I’d be discriminated against for being a vegetarian). I could talk about my thoughts on abortion (not that I would, as it doesn’t affect my emotions that much that I need to let it out!!), and would they accuse me of ‘flaming’ those who don’t agree with me? I could say that watching porn is disgusting and perverted, and I’d be accused of ‘flaming’ those who like watching it! Or would I…….? Is it just because they’re discriminating against me based on my political stance?

 

My point is that it seems they’re policing my thoughts and feelings. My comments were aimed at a politician, the people in the audience and on the panel. If I had said that all Labour voters are dicks… or that you’re an idiot if you voted Remain, then fair enough – that would be out of order, and even I can see that! But I was commenting on the people they keep having on that programme. If people want to take what I say about a TV programme and make it about themselves then fine, but that’s a bit egotistical to be frank. These people are being offensive every single day in what they say in the media and online… they’re being disrespectful of those who won a democratic vote, and their attempts to overturn the results offend me – but fuck my feelings, they don’t matter do they? Only the precious little whiners’ feelings matter…. I’m not allowed to say how pissed off I am about their relentless bullshit, as I suddenly become ‘offensive’, well screw you all. That’s like someone being bullied for years, and the moment they stand up to the bully they’re accused of being nasty. It’s not on, and I will not stand for it… not after the many years of bullying I’ve endured in my life. Shutting down my right to express my views and my emotions is having a hand in my death.

 

The forum is a mental health support forum, not a political one, this is true. But am I only allowed to say the words – ‘mental illness’, ‘mental health’, ‘self-harm’, ‘depression’, ‘anxiety’, ‘suicidal’, ‘cut myself’, ‘I want to die’…..? Am I being policed that much that I can’t even mention other words in passing…..? That I can’t express the reasons I feel upset, angry and potentially like ducking out of this life??? Okay, from now on I’ll spam the forum with ‘I want to kill myself!’…. ‘I want to cut myself’….. ‘I’m depressed’. If we’re only allowed to mention mental health on the forum!

 

I was bloody careful about masking what I meant. I didn’t mention ‘Labour’ I said Umuna and his party (i.e. the politicians – not the voters!!!!), and I said about ‘the ballot paper’ – so I didn’t mention the EU or referendum – so that it wouldn’t offend people and they couldn’t have a go at me for it!!! Okay I said ‘lefty’ but if you’re offended by the word lefty, then should I get you a new dummy?? It was brief and masked, and anybody who would bother to go into the thread of someone who is an utter outsider on that site, doesn’t know anyone, and they are then offended by that, should really get a fucking life.

 

What this was, was the moderator in question, IS a ‘lefty’….. IS a ‘Remainer’…. and has a personal grudge against me for having a view different to her. It’s clear. I once had a discussion with her about politics – she’s the opposite to me, and was very argumentative and even had to apologise to me for it, whereas I wasn’t… I simply explained things to her politely. She is one of those in this country who wants to shut down free speech for people like me. And she’s succeeded…. she deleted my posts. Well fuck her, and fuck that stupid website. It should be taken down. Hardly anyone uses it nowadays.

 

What pisses me off the most though, is “try to be more respectful of people whose views differ from yours.” ………. fuck you. I am extremely tolerant of different views… I am respectful. I don’t have any respect for you now. But I never said that people who have different views to mine, are bad people… I never disrespected them. I was rightfully pissed off at people on the television….. I have grown intolerant of their intolerance!! I am allowed to say whatever the hell I like about people on the fucking television!! So if someone commented about Boris Johnson on this forum after seeing him on TV, saying what a moron he is, should I be offended because I like Boris???? How does this double standard forum work? The world is full of different opinions. It’s no reason to get rid of those opinions!

 

I’ve just composed my complaint, and will be sending it today. I harmed myself because of them – not that I’m allowed to tell them that, as I’d get ‘infraction points’…. they’ve got so many rules that you’re not even allowed to breathe anymore. I’m going to find a better site that actually respects the feelings and needs of the people using it.

 


 

5th June 2018

 

I wrote most of this post yesterday. I have since sent in my response to the moderator, and I have copied my complaint to the webmaster so that he can see the discrimination of his moderators.

 

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In my opinion this forum has shown itself to be left-wing. They removed my posts for daring to criticise left-leaning people on the television, but took no issue with the countless posts about us ‘xenophobes, racists, oldies and bigots’ who voted for Brexit. I reported such posts – never minding that they’re a couple of years old now – it still demonstrates the double standards they have, and how intolerant they are of any more right-wing views whatsoever.

 

It feels like discrimination based on my opinions. In every sector of my life I feel like an outsider. I feel like a minority in terms of my views. I’m always shouted down by the opposition and I’ve had e-fucking-nough of it. The bitch is going to come out and play. You want to argue with me, or try to silence me, I’m going to shout it from the rooftops what a bigot you are. Try to show me up… I’ll show you up more. I’ve been a doormat for too many years, and it ends now. You’re going to get what you give and you’re going to get what you deserve. Don’t push me anymore. 

 

These posts will show you the emotional turmoil I went through as a result:

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This site was a support forum for self-harm and mental health. This moderator and the actions of this site resulted in me cutting myself and punching the hell out of myself. I also went into self-neglect mode, where I don’t take my meds, eat, drink, sleep or anything else. I stay up late, thinking about everything. I’m still utterly exhausted two days later – this is my quiet day this week, and I haven’t enjoyed it. I don’t feel rested, because I feel stressed, on edge and unsettled. Somehow I have to get through the rest of the week, and the next, and every one after that. I feel shattered and really don’t want to exist right now. I want a month’s sleep. The anger I feel scares me. I have to bottle it up really. These people keep shutting my voice down. And every time they do that it builds the monster inside me….. I feel like a volcano about to explode, and I’m scared of who’ll get hurt in the blast. I feel a rage in me every single time people stop me from speaking…. I feel it bubbling violently, and I want to smash things… I want to scream. I want to punch the crap out of everything in sight. I feel such burning anger at other people, and I’m afraid of my thoughts…. I would never hurt another soul… I know that…. but the rage scares me. So I hit myself. I would rather beat myself black and blue than to lose control of my anger. But I resent all those people who stopped me being able to speak out about my feelings or my views. I have a right to freedom of speech – be it about politics or mental health, or my feelings or life. I have a right, and I should be allowed the space to do so, without being attacked for it. I am so angry that people think they can silence me, just because they don’t like what I have to say. 

 

My opinions may differ from yours…. my truth may upset you…. but demanding that I keep my thoughts to myself leaves the blood on your hands. You are asking me to bottle things up. You are saying that your opinions are all that matters, and you don’t want another idea out there to challenge yours. You are judging me as a person for not thinking the same as you. You are saying you don’t care about the consequences for me, even if that means me harming myself. You are silencing me, isolating me and pushing me towards the edge of the cliff. 

 

The last few times I have self-harmed have all been for the same reasons – that people tried to shut down my voice. They argued, they attacked, they accused, they played the victim and they made me feel like total shit. They made me feel I don’t have the right to a say… that I shouldn’t use my voice. That I have to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself and hurt myself, just to keep them happy. I cannot and will not take any more of this. From Twitter, to Facebook, to my blog, to this forum, I feel I can’t say anything without someone objecting. I’m sick of it. I’m sick of feeling like this is some team effort to get me to kill myself. It has all happened in the last couple of months and feels like a systematic shutdown of my voice. It feels like it’s been orchestrated so that I have to close up on every platform and be more isolated. This makes it feel like the whole world is against me. It makes me angry at everyone. It pushes my views even further and makes me hate the opposition more and more. If they could all just shut the hell up, and let people like me have our views without question, then life would be fine. It’s this dogmatic hunger of theirs to win arguments and score political points, at any cost… they’re making the situation in this country worse. Live and let bloody live. Do they not teach this nowadays? 

 

I’ve been a member of that forum for ten years, but no more. They say it’s not a political forum, yet they’ve shown their political bias in this targeting of me. I will seek out a better site, with a more relaxed attitude. The infraction points system is a joke – you talk about politics, religion, self-harm (in the ‘wrong way’), complain about actions by moderators, let people know their actions made you self-harm…. you so much as BREATHE and you get points which add up towards a ban. I’d be far too paranoid to use the site now. I would always be questioning ‘Can I say that?’… they’re clearly watching me and picking on me. You need to be able to speak your mind, especially in a rant/vent thread, otherwise what’s the point? If you have to edit your angry thoughts how will that work? It’s about getting it out so that you don’t hurt yourself. I feel they’re encouraging bottling up emotions instead. This is not healthy for a self-harm support site. I’m being kind in not naming it, though I really want to. I’m sure there are some good ones out there… this unfortunately is not it …. not any longer. I want to belong to a more open and tolerant forum, where different ideas are welcome and encouraged… and where I won’t be accused of disrespect and intolerance, by a disrespectful and intolerant person. She could not tolerate my views so got them removed, and had the audacity to lecture me on being respectful. It’s infuriating! And demonstrates the battle we non-left-leaning people face daily!!

 

I do apologise to those who would rather my posts not be political – that’s what I’ve wanted to avoid too, but since freedom of speech doesn’t seem to exist for me, unless I want to cut myself as a result, this is my only space left. I don’t intend to make it political, only to express my emotions and the difficulties I’m having in my life, that make my mental health worse. I respect different opinions. I promise you I have no issue if any of my followers have different political views. Any rants I ever have are based on people I’ve encountered and the general attitudes I’ve seen from certain groups of people. If you support a particular group I am ranting about and you are not one of the people I describe I apologise, and I don’t mean you – I only ever mean the unpleasant ones among your lot. Unpleasant people exist in every area of society, but my rants will tend to only be aimed in one direction as they are the opposite view to me, so are the ones most likely to personally give me trouble!

But respect and appreciation to you all. Thank you for always allowing me the freedom to speak freely on my own blog. It means a lot.

Hope you’re all well,

xxxx

 

The ‘Self’.

 

The 'Self'

 

I’m unsure about the purpose of this post, but I’ll see where it goes. I wanted to explore my thinking on ‘perspective of life’. The fact that we experience life through our own eyes, with our own emotions and our own priorities. I wonder if it’s the same for everyone, or if I should feel guilty for being selfish… that’s what this piece is about, trying to work that out.

 

I am the centre of my universe. In saying that, I assume some would say I’m selfish, self-centred or a narcissist. I don’t mean that I think a lot of myself. I mean I see through my eyes, feel my feelings and my life is shaped by my memories. I do what I want to do, and sometimes feel I neglect others in fulfilling their wants. I guess I just assume they’ll take care of their side of things, like I do mine. I feel if I want to spend time on my own I tend to do it. But I have moments where I wonder what my loved ones’ inner experiences are… do they wish I wouldn’t spend time on my own? Do they wish I’d spend time with them? Are they lonely? Are they happy? Are their needs being met? And even at this point, writing this, it’s set me off crying.

 

Because I just want them to be happy. I think about my inner experience… it’s MY story. I know my story… I know I get lonely. I know I feel sad and rejected. I know I feel depressed and like I don’t matter to people. I experience other people as playing a part in my life. I don’t tend to think of myself externally. I don’t think of me playing a part in someone else’s life. I mean I have done that – that’s what tends to stop me from taking my own life, because I think about the pain it would cause my loved ones.

 

It’s not that I’m incapable of putting myself in the shoes of someone else. But I can’t put myself behind the eyes of someone else – I can’t see the world through their lens. I can’t feel the pain in their heart, because I haven’t got their memories. So I don’t know what their hearts desire. I don’t know if they’re happy doing their own thing, or if I should be doing more to make their lives better. And I feel so painfully guilty about this. I want them to feel happy and loved. I want to be to them, what they are to me. I don’t feel I am.

 

I feel so selfish at the moment. But then I start to think I’ve always been selfish. I don’t mean to be… I just see life through my lens. And I am the centre of my universe. I always figured we are all the centre of our own universe… because the things we experience happen to us. If I look at something that happens to my friend, it hasn’t happened to me. It may have some small impact – a ripple effect on my own existence, but it hasn’t happened to me – it’s in her universe, so would have a massive impact on her, as she is the centre of her universe. And if something happens to me, it may cause ripples in other people’s lives, but I take the impact, as I’m the centre of my universe. I’m the one who feels the painful emotions. I’m the one scarred by memories. I’m the one who has emotional needs – unmet needs… and my aim is to get them met. I’m not someone who is detached from the feelings of others, or uses people to meet my own needs. That’s what I mean – I feel extreme pain when I think about the role I play in the lives of those I love. I don’t use them, but they are like the planets in my solar system…. just as I must be a planet in theirs. I’m aware it might sound like I think the world revolves around me, if I view myself as the sun. But I’m talking about perspective here, not importance. I am the constant in my life. Anyone in my life could come and go – they move, like they’re revolving around the sun…. so in a sense I am a planet and the sun at the same time. In my own experience I am the sun. But to anyone else, they are the sun and I am a planet.

 

I don’t want to be the centre of attention… but I am central to my existence, if that makes sense. I find it hard to imagine what people see of me, externally – how I look, how I sound, how I act… my moods… my actions and how they might affect someone else. I’m not talking ’empathy’ here… because I have bucket-loads of the stuff. Too much. It’s more a sense of consciousness I think…. I’m on the inside, looking out. I can’t imagine being on the outside looking in. And that means I struggle to see other people as doing the same – being inside looking out… I see them from the outside. But they are no different to me. They are people too, with painful human emotions. They are trapped inside themselves, looking out, at people who are also doing the same. And what if I’m not looking in at them enough? What if I’m neglecting their needs? What if my being trapped inside my own experience means I’m not a good daughter / granddaughter / sister / friend? What if I’m hurting people by being unable to see through their eyes and feel through their hearts? This hurts me so much.

 

I love my family. They’re always there. They’ve done so much for me, I could never repay them. I sometimes stop and think of how their existence is. They have memories I don’t have. They have pain and sadness. They have regrets. They have fears. I sometimes don’t spend time with them, because I put my own needs first… I like to spend time on my own… or my depression does at least… I think about what my body needs and what my soul needs. I know they have the responsibility of doing that for themselves. But what if they don’t match… what if my needs don’t match theirs? What if they need more from me than I’m giving? What if the things they want most in life, they can’t have, because of me? It breaks my heart…

 

It can be as simple as thinking about what I’ve done in a day, and wondering what a loved one did in their day – did they do the things they wanted to do? The things their soul craved? Did they do things they felt they had to do, and didn’t make time for the things they wanted to do? Should I have been there to make them feel less alone? Should I have done more that I ‘had to do’ and didn’t want to, rather than just doing what my soul wanted? Are my loved ones happy with their place in life? Are they content day to day? Are they sad and lonely? Is it my fault?

 

If you think about when someone puts you down or upsets you, you feel it in your chest, but it’s essentially a knock to your ego. ‘Ego’ is often used in a negative way, as if you’re self-absorbed and think you’re something wonderful, and you’re getting knocked down a peg or two… but to me when I’m thinking of the ego in this sense, I mean a person’s sense of self. I really mean their ‘spirit’. But when this happens we do tend to see things as all about us… we question ourselves and our place in the world. We feel attacked by people. We look after ourselves. It’s all about us. Surely that’s something we all experience, is it not?

 

Do other people view themselves as the centre of their universe? It doesn’t mean they don’t care entirely about someone besides themselves. I don’t mean that. I’m talking about perspective. I’m talking about other people’s ‘stories’ told in the first-person. Am I a character in their story? Are they central to it all? Or am I just being too self-centred?

 

I care a lot about people. The people I love… I can’t begin to express how much I love them. I just burst into tears whenever I think about it. If I care about someone it’s the strongest emotion I’ve ever felt. I would die for them. I would live for them. I would do anything. So this isn’t about me not caring about others… or caring about myself more than others. Because honestly I don’t. When my granddad passed away, I didn’t care about how I would feel. I cared about how my mum and my nan would feel. I thought of their grief. I wanted them to be alright. I didn’t care about me. I still don’t care about me.

 

I detest myself at the moment. So it’s not self-love. I guess it might be ‘having my own back’, as nobody else does (other than family of course). But am I wrong to focus on how outside circumstances influence my inner world? Is it wrong to be the centre of my existence? I feel immense love for those in my life… is that enough? Should I make them the centre of my existence? And if so, how do I do that? How do I take myself out from behind my eyes, and my emotions, to see myself externally – to see me as a tiny speck in the universe… as irrelevant as I am? How do I see myself as others see me, not as my inner world sees me? How do I see other people as more than a part of my story? How do I see them as their own story…. without feeling intense guilt, pain and sorrow? How do I do it? Because I don’t want to be self-centred. I want to be a giving, loving person, who improves the lives of those I love. But thinking about my loved ones and their own inner experiences, rips me apart…. which leads me to focus on my own feelings again…. is it normal to be so focused on yourself? Trapped in your own body, viewing the world from inside? Does it make me a bad person? Or are we all doing the same?

 

Do people look at me, and feel as frustrated that they can’t feel how I feel? Do they ever question if I’m happy, and if it’s their fault I’m not? Do they feel they’re not giving me enough either? Do they feel like they’re self-centred… only thinking about how they feel, how they see things, how things affect them? Is it perfectly normal human behaviour? I really can put myself in the shoes of someone else. I can see why they’d feel a certain way. I have no problem with that. It’s imagining their experience of life and the part I play in that, that’s what causes me pain.

 

In my universe, as much as I hate myself, I have a part of me that still believes that I matter. It hasn’t quite died yet. It’s the part of me that says ‘Hey, that’s not on – what you did to me was lousy… I deserve better…. how dare you treat me like that!?’ It’s like the adult part of me protecting the child in me. And I guess that we all have that. That we all defend our inner child, and try to give them what they need to live in this world. I’m just so scared that I’m hurting or neglecting the inner child of other people in trying to look after my own. I’m worried life isn’t enough for them… because of me. I think of the role others play in my life, and the pain and sadness from that. I must be that character to other people. And I hate that. I don’t ever want to cause them pain or make them sad… either through things I do or I don’t do. If my ‘ego’ / ‘spirit’ is damaged by external factors – namely other people… either I’m egocentric, or we all feel this way, and I must damage theirs too. Either option is difficult to accept…. especially when you love people as much as I love my family.

 

The idea that I am me, and those in my life are planets in my solar system, and vice versa, it makes me really sad, as it makes me realise how utterly alone we all must be in life. I know that should comfort me, knowing I’m not alone in being alone, but the thought of my loved ones feeling as alone as I feel, I can’t bear it. I wish I could take that feeling away from them.

 

Sorry, this has become a bit of a heavy topic, and I’ve succeeded in upsetting and depressing myself more than usual. Feeling a bit reflective at the moment. I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about this concept of self and perspective of life – in you or in other people. Thanks for reading.

 

xxxx

To Speak Or Not To Speak?

Saying something = offending / upsetting other people = abandonment = isolation.
Staying quiet = suffering = self-harm = worsening mental health = avoidance = isolation.

 

Saying something = being a bitch = people hate you.
Staying quiet = being a doormat = people like you.

 

Saying something = insight / knowledge / eloquence = doubts of honesty / severity = well enough.
Staying quiet = doesn’t know about illness = given insufficient help = failure = ‘too ill’.

 

Saying something = having a backbone = being ‘strong’ = not needing anyone = feeling misunderstood = being avoided by people.
Staying quiet = feelings are trampled on = being ‘weak’ = being needy = being too much for people = being avoided by people.

 

Saying something = ‘brave’ = inspirational = mental health warrior = until you say something that offends another mental health warrior, then = scum / reject.
Staying quiet = shame = stigma = secret struggles = pressure = suicide = statistic.

 

Saying something = warning others of my triggers = telling them how to hurt me = deliberate re-triggering = self-harm / suicidal thoughts = closing up = low self-worth.
Staying quiet = people always crossing boundaries = easily triggered = self-harm / suicidal thoughts = resentment / relationship woes = fallouts = low self-worth.

 

Saying something = hurting other people = self-hatred = ‘I should die’
Staying quiet = hurting myself = self-hatred = ‘I should die’.

 

 


 

You see? There is no way to win. Whatever I do I’m screwed. I know I’m not the only one to experience these feelings of ‘Should I say something or just keep my feelings to myself?’ We take so long deciding on the best option, but whatever we go with we end up suffering.

 

I’m well aware that most people would rather I hid my feelings, hurt myself and stayed quiet, instead of saying things they don’t like. I wish they knew the agonising I did about whether to say anything or not.

 

What I got from someone the other day though, is that it’s better to be honest and say what’s upsetting me, so that I feel heard by the people who DO care, rather than to suffer in silence. The only trouble with this is believing that anybody actually does care, and also that people upset by my voice are very vocal about it most of the time, and this does result in me punishing myself for daring to stand up for myself, or look out for my own needs. In my bid to not self-harm, but to express myself, I often end up being made to feel guilty, like an awful person, and as a result I self-harm anyway. I cannot win.

 

I wish people would understand that I’m stuck. I suffer, whether it is alone, in silence, or whether I ‘reach out’ to others. I always suffer. And my God I’m the one who ends up hurting, I promise you that. You may think I’m trying to hurt you, but in reality I’m trying to resist hurting myself. But if push comes to shove I would sooner hurt myself than cause someone else pain. I just wish others would feel the same way about me. They don’t. Too many in my life have caused me pain and not even flinched.

 

But with me, if I even sense I’ve upset someone, out comes the blade. I don’t choose to upset other people. I just get tired of them hurting me, and me not being able to stop it… not being able to stand up for myself or express my hurt, because it will offend other people… which results in me hurting myself as penance. So I’m hurt by others, and hurt by myself for speaking out about that hurt.

 

Nobody has ever accepted the truth well. They always turn it round to make me the bad person. They never whole-heartedly accept that they caused me pain or weren’t there for me. It’s always got to be at least a little my fault.

 

I know they’d all prefer me to shut up … it would make their own existence easier. And that’s why my self-worth is at an all-time low. Because I am just an obstacle to the lives of others. I’m too easily hurt and triggered, and that means people have to apologise, and feel bad – how dare I make them feel that way, right? How dare I ask that they put effort in to make me feel they care about me, yes? That gets in the way of them living their lives. Why don’t I just go away and die in a corner somewhere? That’s how I always feel.

 

Me – ‘I-I-I’m v-v-very sorry to disturb your h-happiness, b-b-but can you p-p-please stop doing w-what you’re d-d-doing to hurt m-m-me…?’
Them – ‘Oh just piss off with your negativity, stop criticising me, you’re making me feel shit about myself – you’ve really upset me now… not talking to you anymore, loser’.

 

So I have to quietly put up with being hurt, being forgotten, being alone, so that I don’t interrupt the lives of others. Now can you see why I feel so worthless and a burden most of the time? I watch everyone getting on with their lives, being lucky enough to know happiness… in the meantime I’m hurting and alone … but saying so upsets them, so I have to just silently drown, alone.

 

Whatever I do I will end up isolated, either being a bitch or a doormat, I’ll never be the right amount of ‘ill’ to get help, I’ll be avoided by everyone, I’ll either be rejected or I’ll be dead, my self-worth will be on the floor and I’ll think I should die. Whichever way I look at it, whatever choice I make, people are the complication in life that will always decide my fate. And I will never be cared for as much as people care for their own egos. This will always make me inferior. It will always mean I must suffer in silence until my death… for their sakes. What is the point of my existence? It’s hopeless.

 

 

 

Born In The Wrong Era: A Grumpy Old Woman!

*This may contain swearing, self-harm and suicide references, among other issues… and may offend everyone at some point – not intended… just an expression of the turmoil I’m in at the moment. Warning I do sound like a grumpy old woman. Some people feel they were born in the wrong skin… the wrong gender… I feel I was born in the wrong era! Read at your own peril*

 

I’ve not been feeling too great lately. My depression is the worst it’s been. I keep thinking of reasons for why this is… but the reality is likely to be that it just is. It’s an illness and it’s worsened at the moment. I know that grief is playing its part. I know that my experiences with mental health services last year and a subsequent loss is playing another great part in it.

The rest of it lies with the state of the world and the people in it. I’m going to try and do this in the calmest way I can, as the other day I wrote a rant using the most colourful language imaginable. I was extremely angry. But that anger comes from a place of powerlessness. I feel like I can work on grief. I can work on my past and the emotions attached to it. I can recover from loss. But one thing I can’t do is change the mess the world is in. I can’t change the people in it. I can’t make people be nicer human beings. And the powerlessness and inability to make people see how harmful their attitudes are, is dragging me down deeper into my depression.

In a nutshell, the issues I’ve identified are:

  • Politics…. apparently if you’re not a Labour voter, or a Remain voter you’re a piece of shit who should kill themselves. You’re stupid, worthless and your voice should be ignored, as the votes were so close, and it apparently wasn’t a binding referendum anyway (Hint: It WOULD have been deemed one, had Remain won as narrowly!!). Basically we’re scum and people can’t wait for us to drop dead. That is what a section of society and a lot of politicians / celebrities seem to imply. They don’t think of the impact of this on people like me. I’ve been bullied and socially excluded all my life. I’ve felt worthless and tell myself I’m stupid all the time. I’m ignored a lot. And it’s given me the mental health issues I have now. People would have sympathy for me, but if I disclose my political persuasion then suddenly that trumps everything. I can drop dead for all they care. Even mental health goes out the window when you don’t agree with the more vocal Labour supporters and Remainers. They claim to be the majority, but if they were then they would have won. The trouble is they shout down and abuse those with a different opinion so we’re all bullied into silence. So this creates the illusion that we’re a minority. I don’t want to make this blog have anything to do with politics. But everything feels so political right now, and people like me have been made to feel like shit since long before the referendum. It’s a fact. We’ve been called names for months and months… endured a lot of abuse, and it still hasn’t stopped. And I’m speaking out about this now, because if you yourself are one of those people calling people like me stupid, racist, fascist, uneducated, gullible, saying we were lied to, and saying our voices should be ignored, then PLEASE, stop and think. How would you like it? I know you have your political opinion, but think about mental health. That is so much more important, and if your behaviour, your attitude and your words are making someone feel like shit, and like they want to kill themselves, then it’s time to stop what you’re doing. The trouble with politics is people feel so strongly about it that they forget the human being behind the views. They forget that I have a mental illness, that I’ve been through a lot of painful experiences in my life. They forget that I am a person with emotions, memories, passions, fears, hopes and dreams – they just see me as whatever label they choose for the day for ‘scum like me’. This country is savagely divided, and until a certain side of the argument learns to accept defeat graciously, and stops disrespecting our equal voices, those rifts are NEVER going to mend. It’s not our duty to heal the rifts. That will not come through pandering to the wishes of the losing side, as that’s not possible, and would not have happened had it been the other way around! It will only come from ACCEPTANCE. Fighting reality only causes stress and suffering, for all. It’s time to get on. Having people constantly fighting against a decision we made and were allowed to make, and did so for a good reason, is draining, demoralising and makes me want to give up on more than just voting.

 

  • I hate that I live in a world where you’re attacked for having a different opinion. This relates to politics but also to religion, race, sexuality… everything. If someone is uncomfortable about homosexuality for instance, they are made out to be a monster. They have sexuality forced in their faces everyday and are told they have to be tolerant and accept it. Well I say no. I personally have no problem with anyone of any race, religion, sexuality. But I do have a problem with people forcing their opinions and way of life on other people. Some older people grew up in a time when things were different, and homosexuality was illegal. Some people are religious and their religion tells them that it’s a sin. Whatever someone’s reasons for their personal beliefs, it’s nobody’s business, and they’re entitled to hold those beliefs. There’s a lot of people out there who hold these ‘intolerant’ beliefs but you’d never know, because they’re not shitty people like they’re painted to be. They may feel uncomfortable, but they treat everyone as a person, and with respect and kindness – that’s what being human is about. Treating people the same, but not being forced to think the same. As long as your beliefs don’t hurt someone – as long as you’re not going out attacking people for their colour, their religion, their sexuality etc, and you’re not openly abusing people, then you’re allowed to think and feel however you want to about such things. Freedom of thought cannot and will not be shut down. It shouldn’t be. The moment it is, there is no point in human beings – we’ll all be drones. We’re having the notion of ‘tolerance’ being forced down our throats by the most intolerant of people. If people want certain religions, races and sexuality to be accepted by everyone, then there’s got to be the willingness to accept those who cannot accept those things – without judging them as ‘bad / ignorant’ people or talking them down. We’re humans, we are allowed to be different to each other. Those trying to force tolerance on others should practise some themselves, and tolerate a difference of opinion, without thinking they’re right and others are wrong. It’s just different. They should stop seeking acceptance from the world, and learn to just accept themselves, and work on their immediate surroundings. As long as they are happy in themselves and the people around them can accept them, then who cares what some woman down the street THINKS about them?

 

  • We also live in a world where people aren’t held to account for what they say online. People feel empowered to say anything they like, however rude, disrespectful and harmful it is. Just the other day a load of people with experience of mental illness and possibly suicidal thoughts, were celebrating the suicide of an actor. He had done something terrible, being in possession of child pornography, so I can understand the anger surrounding this. But the lack of compassion and respect, not for him, but for his FAMILY was shocking and actually quite sickening. I feel ashamed to share this world and this species with people with that mentality, that they would wish death on someone, and celebrate them ending their life. I’ll tell you, even when Gaddafi died, I felt very uncomfortable with the celebrations. I can understand the sense of relief for some people when someone who hurt them passes away, but to openly express joy about it online?? There’s something very inhuman about that. It’s concerning. Where are the consciences of these people? Have they never lost a family member? That’s all I can assume, because if they knew what grief felt like, then they’d know that having people spit on their dead relative and cheer their death, is not going to help the grieving process. I’m not saying don’t be angry at him. I’m not saying don’t be pleased he’s dead. I’m just saying where has the decency in this world gone? Some thoughts ought to remain inside thoughts, for the sake of other people, i.e. the family. They didn’t ask for a son who would do that. And they’ll be in a lot of pain right now. The respectful thing to do, if you can’t pass on condolences is just to remain quiet… what has happened to this value, this idea? The internet has a lot to answer for. This extends beyond this case – and even merges with politics again, as some people think it’s acceptable to post death threats on Twitter and urge people to kill themselves. I will have you know that I report such vile people and their tweets. It’s nice when I get reports back that they were in violation of the rules. People have to be responsible for what they say online. They have to relearn how to behave as decent human beings. Blurting out whatever is in your head every minute of the day, is not normal or acceptable. Particularly if it is offensive to someone else. It’s called ‘self-control’ / ‘self-discipline’. You learn to hold your thoughts inside your head, not needing everyone to hear all of them. If you don’t like someone or their opinion, just scroll past… it has a better effect, giving the person less exposure, and also reflects better on you as a person. These people celebrating his death feel they’re right to do so… that’s fine, if they want to do that then that’s great… but as long as they are aware they sound like sociopaths, and they are arseholes in regards to his family. Free to say what you like, but it does paint an image of who you are. That’s all. Something I wrote in my rant yesterday which I will share is this: “If the mentally ill mock someone who killed themselves then they have no right to campaign against stigma surrounding suicide. It’s hypocritical.”

 

  • Another issue is this sexualised world we live in. What happened to good old-fashioned courting, wooing, romancing a lady? What happened to chivalry? What happened to respect for a woman, rather than asking her ‘what she’s into sexually’?? I have very little in the way of experience with men, I’ll be honest about that. But what little experience I have had has tainted my view of men and society as a whole. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll laugh at an innocent innuendo. I have got a slight dirty mind. But the point is it’s private. And I don’t expect men to be openly suggestive to me like that. I’ve had experiences of men being forward and crude, and at the time I was naïve and vulnerable, so I may have played along, which led me down the wrong path. So that now I believe all men are only interested in one thing. They have no respect for me as a person. I feel none of them understand who I am and what I expect. I am not a distraction. I am not a friend with benefits. I am not a casual hook-up type of person. I am not the other woman. I am not second choice. If that means being alone forever, because no man can match my standards and expectations then so be it. I will never again let a man make me feel cheap and worthless. I want consistency, respect, honesty, loyalty, kindness, companionship, love and friendship. I want a gentleman. Don’t make sexual jokes. Don’t message me at 11pm asking what I’m up to. Don’t think that just because I used to exchange texts with one guy in the past that that’s the type of girl I am – I’m not… that was a mistake, pure and simple. If a man wants to be with me, he will have to either be old-fashioned like me, and woo me, or be my friend, but with no expectations that he will ever become more. I’ve been badly hurt by men I’ve encountered in life – even the ‘nice’ ones! I want to believe someone exists out there, with the same values as me… with respect for women… someone who would treat me like a lady, and value companionship, marriage and a family above ‘sex’. Why does everything have to be about sex nowadays? Why are people so openly crude about things that should be private? Why are people so openly into weird things? I feel like the world is harsh and graphic, rather than loving and gentle… it seems to be more about a ‘connection’ that gets you into bed, rather than truly connecting on a spiritual level. It makes me think real love doesn’t exist. I shy away from the world of men because of being hurt before, but also because I don’t think what I need exists out there. I don’t want to be seen as a sex object. I don’t want someone who wants me based on what I can offer them in the bedroom…. I want someone who wants me because they love my soul and can’t imagine a lifetime without me. I want someone to feel for me, the way I’ve felt for others… the way I feel for someone out there right now. Surely such a thing must be possible…. but my faith in men is zero right now. I don’t know how to change that and learn to trust. Damn those bastards who hurt me. They have no clue how much they ruined my life.

 

  • Young people…. they seem to be getting more gobby and more ‘entitled’ every year. In the past children were seen and not heard. They had respect for their elders. When I was sixteen and there were elections, I accepted I wasn’t 18 so didn’t have a say. That’s life. We all went through it. Yet young people nowadays seem to feel they are more important than older people so should be allowed the vote, or that their votes should count twice as much as an old person, since the old person will be dead soon anyway. This disrespect and self-righteous attitude from youth these days is troubling. It’s disgusting in fact – I’m appalled that they find it okay to talk about people like my parents / grandparents in the manner they do…. let alone their own elderly relatives!! I had a discussion with a friend / acquaintance about this last year… they were a teenager themselves and were giving me all that about how important young people are, as they’re ‘the future’, and the old people who voted for Brexit won’t have to live with the consequences very long. I said that’s the very attitude I don’t like – the ‘young people are more important than old people’ opinion…. they’re not. Old people have lived in this world a lot longer, have experienced first-hand for instance, being outside of the EU and within it… they have life experience. They’ve wiped the backsides of young people and look at the thanks they get for it! They’ve contributed a lot to society, and to then have some snotty nosed kid straight out of school / college, telling them their opinion should be ignored as ‘we’re the future!’ – well so are babies…. do you want 6 month old babies to vote too?? It’ll affect them the most after all. Newsflash 17 year olds – there is no guarantee that you will live to 80 or 90….. just as there is no guarantee that 70 year olds won’t live until 110. So stick that in your pipe and smoke it. Older people might live with it just as long! Plus the young will be thanking the old one day… they can’t see it now, but they will. Anyway, my ‘friend’ turned on me personally and said it’s good I don’t have children…. which given that I’m uncertain if I’ll be able to have children, was a vicious thing to say to a friend so publicly, especially as she is a mental health campaigner. She made me have a panic attack and harm myself. We’re not friends now. But this is the level of nastiness that came from young people after the vote. They don’t think of the consequences of their actions. And they think they are right and everyone else is wrong. This proved my point perfectly. Everyone’s opinion is important. Everyone over the age of 18 should be able to cast their vote equally….. and when dealing with a vote, the majority wins… you don’t count people who didn’t vote. You don’t say they wanted the status quo. If that’s the case then they should have voted for it. You only count votes that were cast on the day. That is how democracy works. After the referendum, the young people took to Twitter and spilled bile, which proved WHY young people should not be allowed a vote. They are sore losers. They haven’t learnt to graciously lose a vote. It’s a skill that takes time to learn in life, that you don’t always get what you want. But this entitled culture has led children to believe they can have anything they want…. BE anything they want… do anything they want…. and when the realisation hits them that this isn’t true, and sometimes you have to admit defeat, they come thumping back down to Earth…. I believe this is why so many young people have mental health problems… they were set up, expecting life to be a certain way, and the reality is very different, as many of us ‘old people’ over 30 learnt quite early.

 

  • Another point on children, is why can’t they just remain children? You’re a child until you are 18. Children should not be having sex. They shouldn’t be drinking / smoking. They shouldn’t be wearing make-up and acting like adults. I’m not judging people who do these things, I’m just having a go at society, the internet and magazines. Please… childhood should be cherished – life gets tough after that. Please let children remain children as long as they can. It’s the one thing I wish I could get back…

 

  • People flit from relationship to relationship. Some even have two on the go at once. Some stab their so-called friends in the back and swoop on their love interest when they’re out of the country. Where are the morals? Why are people so afraid to be on their own? Why do they always need to be in a relationship? Why do they rebound? Why can’t they take the time to recover from the previous relationship, and discover themselves again before launching themselves onto someone else? Yes I’m a little bitter as my friends have never lacked a potential new partner… and I never get a look in for one in the first place! I just think when people leave someone for someone else, it pisses me off, because I could have made the previous person happy. I could’ve been with the next person. It’s like some women hog all the men. No wonder I can’t find one for myself when they’re all either recovering from a break-up, or they’re lining themselves up to be a rebound!! Helloooo??! I’m right here – not tangled up with someone else…. not rebounding…. no? Okay….. I know I’m messed up in the head… I’m jaded because of men in my past….. I hate myself…. not wonderful qualities. But if a man treated me well, I would have so much to give him. I wish someone could see past all my bullshit and see my heart, and stop wasting time on people who might change their mind. I wish the nice guys would stop being rebounds. And I wish they’d step up to the plate and be the white knight for someone who is actually single and hurting, rather than someone already in a relationship they’re not happy in. Sorry, this is a personal issue for me that I haven’t recovered from yet… as I’ve just discovered.

 

  • You get conflicting views on body image – you’re told to love yourself warts and all, and that someone will find you attractive whatever you’re like. And then you have people telling you nobody likes a ‘chubster’. Don’t you think I hate myself enough already? Is it your aim to make sure I don’t stop hating myself for a second? Don’t you think I feel helpless with the health issues I have that make it hard for me to lose weight? Don’t you think I feel unlovable as it is? Don’t you think I’m paralysed with depression? Don’t you think I feel ugly? But what, am I supposed to hate myself forever unless I lose weight to attract a man? Am I less deserving of love because I put on weight? Ten years ago I was underweight / borderline anorexic… apparently that’s more attractive to men, from my experience. Does my size really indicate my level of worth? Do I not deserve to experience love, for once in my life?

 

  • People let you down. Friends stop talking to you. You feel all alone in the world. Someone with BPD needs stability and certainty. Half the time I feel I don’t really have friends… just one. I’ve tried to reach out to people, but it led nowhere. I can’t keep putting myself out there. And since they don’t make the effort with me, what’s the point?

 

  • People say I’m too sensitive and need thicker skin – how do you grow skin then? Because I’m painfully aware I won’t survive in this world as I am, with the level of INSENSITIVITY displayed by others. Why do I have to change my gentle soul just because some pricks don’t know how to be nice? Learn to treat others with more kindness. That is easier…. but no, of course I would have to be the one to change – I’m always flawed… you’re always perfect… nothing wrong with you…. it’s not your actions and words, it’s my ‘sensitivity’. You don’t want to change – that takes effort, and stopping to consider the impact of your behaviour…. it’s easier for you if I’M the one to change. Screw you. It’s a way of dodging responsibility again, for what people say and do. We need more people who hold themselves responsible for their behaviour, and think about others for a change.

 

  • Narcissists. People who wrong you and fool the world and more worryingly themselves, that you were the one in the wrong, and they’re the victim. They will crap on you at the worst time of your life, hurt you, and rather than doing the decent thing, like apologising and making amends for the sake of everyone else, they use special occasions to ‘make a point’ they’re displeased with you, and don’t speak to you for almost a year. We’ll never speak again. We’re done.

 

So it’s hard to want to live in this world when people pigeon-hole you, and judge you for your political opinion, and isolate you for it; there is no tolerance of independent thought; people can say the most atrocious things and get away with it; everything is about sex and how physically attractive you are; children are no longer children, and the respect for elders is gone – they think they’re better than older people; people have no morals or loyalty; I don’t deserve love because of how I look; people let you down; nobody takes responsibility for their actions and words – I’m expected to grow thicker skin; and those who do wrong don’t apologise, they make you out to be the villain instead. These are just some of the things making me feel hopeless about the future.

 

 

Another thing that has recently come to my attention, is that there have been calls to put a safety barrier on a particular bridge after a woman ‘fell’ from it. I have mixed feelings…. in the past I might have said yes… in order to save people’s lives. But the simple fact is if someone wants to die, they will find a way. The thing that troubles me the most is that I feel angry – that I would have my option taken away from me. I have often thought of ‘falling’ from that bridge too, and to have people decide I’m not allowed to make that choice, and I’m FORCED to continue life, when they have no idea what it’s like to be me right now, it pisses me off.

 

They shouldn’t prevent people from ending their lives UNLESS they’re also going to give people the mental health support they need. It’s wrong to ask people to stay alive if you’re not going to help them battle the demons that make them want to leave. So no… don’t spend money putting up a barrier – use that bloody money to provide help for people like me!! That is more important.

And that is what also fills me with hopelessness at the moment. Someone I know has been in hospital, and has said that when they’re discharged there won’t be much in the way of help for them, on the NHS at least… if there’s no hope for them, then what hope is there for me? What’s the point of trying for CMHT? Are they going to turn me down? If I see them is it going to be minimal help then? If I lose the plot entirely and try to take my life, does that mean I won’t get the help? Is it only if you’re inpatient you get the help? This is wrong. I feel there’s no hope for me. I’m trapped. I want help before I get to utter crisis point. Am I to understand that help doesn’t exist for me? Should I just give up now? And that’s what I mean about the bridge – you can’t take away that option for someone if you don’t replace it with real support. It’s not fair.

All those troubles in the world and in the country…. all those people with questionable morals …. honestly feeling I’ve been born in the wrong era … the world being different since my loss … feeling irreparably broken after therapy and losing yet another person I wasn’t ready to lose … and the lack of help, yet feeling trapped and forced to live regardless of lack of support … How do I live like this? What kind of life is this? These are the feelings I battle daily at the moment. I’m not inspired to get better, because of all this. I honestly need someone to come along, wave a magic wand and make my life better… make the world better. But I know it’s useless hoping for that. It’ll never happen. So I have to either choose to live regardless, or choose the alternative. That’s where my head’s at right now.

 

Apologies for the rants. Keeping all this inside has driven me to dangerous lows in the last few weeks. I just don’t know how to have hope for the future, with so many unpleasant people and things in this world. It would be bad enough if I was happy and had someone who loved me… positive things in my life. But with an empty, pointless life I’m just in the worst place I’ve ever been. Neither the past, the present nor the future fill me with anything other than pain and misery. I’m sorry if that makes me ‘too negative’ for others. It’s my reality right now.