One Step Forward, Twenty Back.

I hate the unpredictability of my illness. One minute I’m excited because I got a ticket to see my favourite band next year, the next I’m punching a wall because I’m such a stupid person, who shouldn’t be allowed to talk to people.

 

It’s like once the anxiety and excitement of getting the ticket was over, I was suddenly hit with a full bag of negative emotions… I had anxiety and guilt over buying the ticket and panicking about having to go on my own… that then opened the door to the troubles I’ve had with my friend who would normally have gone with me…. I had someone raining on my parade, someone who keeps winding me up lately… I started having paranoid thoughts that people don’t like me again…. where I’m trying to keep in contact with people, I worry about saying the wrong thing – am I being too needy or demanding? Am I annoying them? I should just shut up…. then I got in the state of mind that I can’t say anything right and I became alert and sensitive to others’ words… or lack thereof. And I suddenly felt very isolated again.

 

I hate that it can switch just like that. Once it happens though it’s hard to break out of it again. I feel like shutting down. I cannot shake the feeling that people are just tolerating me…. they don’t like me… they don’t care… they want nothing to do with me. I view every interaction and every event through the lens of ‘I’m an awful person and they all hate me’. I interpret people’s words as them thinking I’m an idiot, being annoyed with me or that I’ve said something wrong… and I feel the need to ‘fix’ it and apologise, when I’m not even sure I have annoyed someone….  I view non-responses as me being too overbearing (it makes me dredge up other times I’ve felt this way, to back up that belief)…. and I just become this big rocking, foot-tapping mess, obsessing over what a horrible person I am – an embarrassment and a nuisance.

 

I’ve been trying to push myself forward through the paranoia… being sociable when I don’t feel up to it and whilst hating myself for existing, let alone speaking to people. It’s hard. And times like now I hit a wall (pun unintended) and think ‘See, this is why you shouldn’t open your mouth’.

 

I worry that sometimes my intentions aren’t clear and I come across the wrong way in what I say. That people misunderstand me. I also feel annoyed that people don’t LISTEN to me and to what I’ve said. And when they have to piss on my happiness, making me feel bad about it. Oh, and rejecting my friend requests when everyone else accepted. That upsets me too. It’s a combination of things today that have caused me to start splitting on everyone again. It’s a horrible feeling. I felt I was making progress but now it’s all back to how it was.

 

It’s not my friends’ fault… it’s my mind’s… my illness… I just hate that it does this to me. I feel alone enough as it is. I find it hard enough to speak out, with the voice inside me screaming ‘NOBODY GIVES A SHIT!!’ … but when my own mind does this it makes it more difficult.

 

I guess maybe I’m not so much splitting on others as I am splitting on myself. Going to hating myself and then going back over things today, and interpreting them as being in response to bad qualities in me… and then ‘hating’ others for what led to that. I don’t know… my head hurts too much now to know what’s going on. All I know is I don’t feel stable… or positive. I don’t feel emotionally comfortable. I feel anxious, tense and ashamed. My mind is like a very noisy, busy traffic junction of thoughts and emotions and it’s going to be hard to reconcile my paranoid thoughts with the truth, and not give them the power to isolate me again.

 

Getting the ticket today has given me a ‘reason to live’ until next June at least…. but it doesn’t change the fact that I feel I have every reason to die at the moment… for the reasons I said in the previous post. Yes there are little things to look forward to next year. But surviving this one will be the problem. In all honesty I’m not doing okay and I’m at a loss to know what to do about it. Today should have been a good day. Instead I’m going backwards. This illness seems to be a struggle – whereby you take one step forward and take twenty back… you end up going nowhere, except backwards. It’s frustrating. Demoralising. This feels like a battle I’ll never win.

 

 

 

Exodus Of Friends.

*Bad language*

 

 

I am the most alone I’ve ever been in my life. And it’s the worst time it could happen. I have nothing left. My mental health is the worst it’s been in many years. I’m grieving for the first time in my life. All of my friends managed to miss the fact I went through the first year mark last month. Look, I know it wasn’t my mum or my dad I lost, so people think ‘What’s the big deal?? It was only your granddad‘ but for fuck’s sake, it was my first major loss. He mattered to ME. I’ve not experienced the grieving process before. I had never gone to a funeral. My first funeral I’ll remember for how my extended family fucked it up. I had never been through the one year mark. I needed to feel the support of people. There was none. Now I’ll remember that first year for the wrong reasons – for the lack of care from friends. I can only assume it’s because they figure I wasn’t that close to him, and all grandparents die. But there is a hole in the world without him. We’re doing our best to carry on, but life is different now. Other people get words of support and comfort on their relatives’ anniversary dates, even years later, but I didn’t get a single nod for his first one… my first one. I can understand if I hadn’t posted about it, but I did. Several times.

This is where a lot of my hurt is stemming from at the moment. This is what made me split on everyone. It’s only been made worse by the fact I’ve disappeared for two weeks, and nobody’s even been in touch to check I’m okay. I don’t know what would be worse – that they’re purposefully avoiding me, and not talking to me because they’re annoyed with me, or that they have just forgotten to get in touch / that I exist. Both are highly offensive. The amount of time that’s passed with nobody caring is too much now. I’ve passed the point of no-return. I have to assume I’ve upset them, or they’ve simply stopped giving a damn about me. In which case fine. I’m not going to apologise for feeling like nobody cares. I’m not going to apologise for expressing that my mental illness is having this impact and that I needed people to reassure me and support me. I was told that my friends aren’t worthy of me. I personally wouldn’t say that. But I did deserve better than this. I am deeply upset at my irrelevance. I feel like an outsider to all of them. But to be honest I wouldn’t be able to see a way back from this now….

With the splitting and anger actually comes guilt, shame and the feeling that I’m selfish. Whenever I’ve felt nobody was there for me before, and someone explained why they weren’t there I’ve felt awful, as they had their own stuff to deal with. So now, whenever I’m upset that I’ve been neglected and abandoned, I automatically feel as though I don’t deserve support, because I’m not there for others. I automatically feel guilty and selfish for the assumptions my mind makes.

I’ve not had an experience like this before, where I’ve been so outspoken about my feelings on this subject. I worry people may have read things and it may have pushed people further away. But there’s nothing I can do about that now. The trouble is, those thoughts send me into a shutdown mode, where I resign myself to having lost everyone, so I don’t try to reach out anymore… and then I’m full of self-pity for causing this mass exodus of friends myself.

It takes me on a tumultuous journey of emotions inside. And the only time anyone would know about it, is when I post something online, or write a blog like this. I can’t reach out and talk to people directly now. It’s become too complex. This is my only outlet. I tried explaining my fears, my needs, my emotions, and either nobody cared enough to read, or they read it and still didn’t care. It really felt like a blanket abandonment. One person was ‘liking’ my posts. But nobody was talking to me… not when it mattered.

I’ve given up now. I may as well be dead to them.

If anyone asked how I am now I wouldn’t even know how to answer. Of course when people ask that they never really want to know how you are anyway. But I’m not able to say ‘I’m okay’. I still hurt myself. My trichotillomania (hair-pulling) is out of control. I’m so depressed and anxious I don’t want to leave the house. I’m not looking after myself. I’m still unwell physically after two months. I think I’m in a cycle – where I feel worse mentally because of physical illness, but my illness won’t clear off because I’m low mentally. I’m still struggling with grief and also with the transference stuff. I’m struggling to do my voluntary work. My ‘mentor’ is on the other side of the world. My ‘boss’ doesn’t seem to understand my mental illness. My family are all I have right now – and I’m so lucky to have them. But I’m not opening up to them about what’s wrong at the moment. All they know is I’m not well physically. So I’m completely alone in my pain and depression. I have no therapist. All I have is the occasional reply to blog posts or on Twitter. But I brought this on myself. It’s just a shame it came to this, and nobody broke my fall in time.

There was a point a couple of weeks ago, when I was going to contact one friend, and ask for her help, as I didn’t know what to do, as I could sense all this happening…. but I never sent that message. I closed my account, and even she hasn’t been in touch. My problem was never with her. But now it’s with everyone. I wish I had said something because now I’m stuck. My presence can’t matter that much to anyone, if they don’t even notice my absence. 

It’s going to be hard to see friendship in the same light anymore. This has totally trashed my self-esteem beyond repair. I can’t even pick myself up and move on, finding new friends, as it’s damaged me that much. I feel like an awful person. And I don’t have friends to help pull me out of my beliefs anymore. So I’ve given up on myself. I’ve given up on people. I’ve given up on working and going out. I’ve given up on life.

It was so bad in my head yesterday, that I had to tie my hair back and wear a beanie hat, to stop me pulling hairs out. And I took the battery out of my clock, because the ticking was driving me mad, and making me aware of the passage of time. I still haven’t put it back in. Today is a worse day. I won’t go into that though. But I’m shutting myself away. My phone is off. I’m done with everyone and everything. There are two people who have noticed my existence in the last few weeks – hopefully they know who they are, and know how much it means to me – they reminded me I’m not a ghost and that they can see me. I am sorry to those two that I’m still deeply upset, and it would seem like their care isn’t enough. I hope they don’t think I’m ungrateful. But the damage that’s been done is too deep, that I can’t just get over it. Not this time.

I’ve never felt this ‘done with everything’. I’ve never given up on people like this. I’d normally close my account for a few days, gain a better perspective and rejoin. My perspective isn’t changing… not for the better anyway. It’s only getting worse, the more days that pass. I can’t see me ever getting back to posting on Facebook again. Because nobody gives a shit. I’ve been in these places before, where I’ve thought, ‘Why bother posting that, nobody will be interested in it…’ and usually I’m right. But in the past it didn’t totally stop me. It has now. I don’t believe anyone is interested in anything I have to say. They don’t care when I post about grief or mental illness stuff. They don’t care when I share light-hearted stuff. They attack me when I share political / news stuff, because I’m the outsider in that regard. I’m the ‘alien’.

I’m shutting down more and more every day. But I don’t think I care anymore. It’s only heading in one direction. I can’t see it improving now. So I’m kind of giving up, and just letting it drown me. Everyone else was fine to watch me drown. So I’ll let myself drown. Without an audience though.

I’m A Ghost.

“I wish I was as invisible as you make me feel”

 

*Contains swearing & a lot of negativity*

 

I spent a lot of time over the last few months, feeling guilty for not being there for my friends who are struggling, because I’ve been unable to cope myself. But in the last couple of days I realised something… when I’ve checked to see how they’re doing I notice all the support they have from others. They’re not alone. Although I’M not there for them, at least other people are. So I don’t feel as guilty now. What I do feel is a tad resentful. Because I don’t have support from others. People always rally around everyone else, and make sure they’re supported. But I have to suffer on my own. I don’t have anyone. I have no partner. I have no friends right now, that I know of. My work friend is on the other side of the world. So I have nobody outside these four walls who I can talk to. Yet I’ve been feeling guilty for not being there for others! Well who the hell is there for ME?!

I might as well say it – I’m done with everyone. I’ve been severely let down by people and I’ve been left alone in my own head for too long now, that I’ve reached the point of no return. I don’t exist to my friends, so they don’t exist to me anymore. If they want me back in their lives it’ll take some big fucking effort. Anytime I’ve needed my friends to be there for me, they’ve disappointed me – times that actually really mattered to me. I can’t forgive that. It would be different if ONE person had been there, but none of them have. It feels like a mass abandonment of me. Like they all got together and decided, ‘Let’s ignore her and let her spiral until she kills herself’. I feel like they’re all sat there willing me to end it. No, that’s not true… actually I feel I don’t even enter their minds for a second. I think I’m a hazy memory now. I’ve been forgotten. Like they’re probably all ‘Enjoying the peace – some people are so toxic! Lol’, as Hannah once said about me.

I feel toxic. Not in a malicious way, just in that I feel I’m a Debbie Downer, a drain and a burden to everyone I come into contact with. I feel as though people would be well within their rights to avoid me, for their own sanity. I feel that. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt that that’s what they’re doing.

 

I know I'm a drag. I know I'm hard work right now. If it was within my power to be my old fun,

 

Too often people say to avoid negative people… cut out the toxic people. I can understand that, however if you’re friends with someone and they seem negative / depressed, is it not the right thing to do, to care about them and help them out of their depressive state? Or at least TRY. I know I’m a drag. I know I’m hard work right now. If it was within my power to be my old fun, bubbly, silly self then I’d do it, but believe it or not I actually need the help, love and support of those who are meant to care about me, in order to achieve that. I need to not be abandoned right now. I need effort, stability and consistency. I need advice. I need practical help. I need gestures, words… anything! Anything but this gut-wrenching, deafening, murderous silence.

I’ve been off Facebook for over a week – some people have my email address, some have my number, some can contact me in other ways…. have they? No. Nobody gives a shit about how I am. They’ve all given up on me. And you know what, now I’ve given up on them. They had an abundance of opportunities to care about me, and show I mattered to them. It’s over. I am officially ‘friendless’ now.

I don’t think I’ve ever split on such a major scale before. Usually it’s just one person, but I’m astounded at how many people decided I was no longer worth talking to…. so I’m splitting on the whole lot of them. I wish they’d understand that when this happens I ‘hate’ them. I’m furious and I’m deeply hurt. I feel they hate me, and are glad to see the back of me. But this isn’t real hate. This is feeling shunned by them, and putting up a defence in the form of anger. It’s protecting myself from the rejection feeling. It’s a scary and lonely way to feel. I don’t hate them, I actually really cared about them, but I didn’t feel it was reciprocal. The anger comes from the fact I reached out several times, expressing my struggle, and nobody stepped in to intervene. Nobody helped me. It felt like they were indifferent, and watching me drown, and didn’t give a shit. It’s almost as if they thought I was attention-seeking or being a drama-queen. In which case fuck everyone anyway, because if someone is crying out for ‘attention’ – i.e. HELP / SUPPORT you bloody give it, you don’t deny them it…

Believe it or not I’m not making a drama out of things. I’m not playing some dumb game – to get people to pay attention to me. If they think that, then they have no clue about mental health, or how to be a decent friend. I’m in a fuck-load of pain, with depression worse than I can ever recall it. I feel isolated, paranoid, and hate myself. Seeing everyone ignoring me, and happily carrying on with their lives, excluding just me, made me feel shit. They have no clue how bloody lonely I am. And friends shouldn’t ever make you feel like you’re alone. I came off Facebook to protect myself from the constant feeling of rejection. But yes, I secretly hoped that if anyone cared they’d find a way to get in touch with me and check on me. It’s not the reason I did it, but it would’ve been nice. Now I know where I stand with everyone.

None of them could ever understand how black my mind is right now. I don’t want to live life. And having to live it on my own, without social interaction is so much harder. Okay, I was struggling with ‘socialising’, and wanted to hide away from the world, but it would’ve been nice to be encouraged and included.

 

I'm sorry I exist. I'm sorry I was never enough to matter. I'm sorry I made no difference to anyone'

 

They’ll never know how much they’ve hurt me, as they don’t know about my past. They don’t know about the years of isolation, social-exclusion and bullying I received as a child. I feel sick that I’m experiencing the same feelings now, in my adult life. My blog and occasionally my Twitter account, are the only outlets I have… the only contact with the outside world. I’ve realised there’s no point sharing my thoughts / voice with my friends…. I’m only ever met with silence. It’s like having a friendship with a brick wall, and talking to it. What’s the point? So I’m silent now. I feel like a ghost. I once used a forum, and my avatar on that said “I wish I was as invisible as you make me feel”. Feels very apt at the moment.

I’m sorry I exist. I’m sorry I was never enough to matter. I’m sorry I made no difference to anyone’s lives. I’m sorry I wasn’t a good enough friend. I’m sorry my mental illness pushed you all away. I’m sorry I had to put my mental health first. I’m sorry I asked too much of my friends. I shouldn’t have needs. I shouldn’t have emotions. I shouldn’t have expectations. I’m a tiny speck of shit on the bottom of the world’s shoes. I’m not deserving of care, love, respect, concern and help. An endless string of people have taught me that. In the past I’d have felt good enough about myself to say ‘Your loss!’ but…. I now know I’m no loss. There is no loss. But you’ve certainly all won.

I’m defeated.

Splitting On Therapists.

*Apologies for some of the language*

 

So I’ve talked before about ‘splitting’. It’s a term commonly associated with BPD. It’s when I go from thinking the world of someone, to hating them. Well this week I have had a problem in that I am now splitting with the therapists who run the group I attend. The only positive thing is that I’m aware it’s splitting. So I do rationally know there’s good and bad to them… and at the moment I’m just caught up in all the negatives. It doesn’t make it any less distressing for me.

I’m feeling paranoid right now, like there’s some conspiracy to make me suffer, and make me deal with things on my own… I feel they’ve discussed me and decided not to help me. One of them, I gave a note to them at the start of the last session, saying I needed prompting to speak, as I had something I wanted to say but felt unable to speak out… she nodded at me as if to say ‘okay’, but when the time came she didn’t even look at me, and I nearly missed my chance to speak! I had to force words out of my mouth on my own. I feel this was a choice she made, not to help me with it. And this pisses me off! What would have happened if we’d moved on and I hadn’t spoken? I’d have been burdened by what I couldn’t say, and unable to concentrate, stuck in a cycle like the previous week, and I’d have probably walked out and done myself harm.

The other therapist, I sent a text the following morning to say I’d left the session in a bad state (didn’t say in which way, but I had suicidal thoughts brought on by something we discussed, and for various reasons I harmed myself later) … that although he’d said if anyone didn’t feel safe, to talk to them, I felt unable to because of time restrictions… that I felt misunderstood and isolated by saying what I did at the start of the session, as the group didn’t understand my meaning… and that I was the closest I’ve been to quitting the group….

He didn’t respond.

This has set off a whole heap of emotions and memories for me. Because of my transference issue with him, I’m disappointed that he appears to be treating me the same way I’ve been treated by men in the past. I’m having memories of when I reached out to a man who meant a lot to me, asking for support and he completely ignored me. He went silent. I needed the therapist to not be the same as those from my past, but he’s let me down in that respect. So now I’m having flashbacks to everything bad that’s happened in my life, in that regard.

I’m experiencing guilt for sending the text, and the feelings of needing to ‘fix’ it. I’m having the resignation and despondency, where I feel like saying ‘You know what, forget it‘. I feel I can’t trust him. I don’t want to talk to him or anyone now. I want to cope on my own. I want to shut off from everyone, and if I deteriorate and keep harming, so what? I feel rejected and abandoned. I feel stupid for saying anything. I’m thinking he’s just like the rest of them – no wonder I don’t trust men anymore…. and then I feel annoyed with myself for thinking badly of him, considering I like him. I feel guilty for tarring him with the same brush as all the others when it’s not his fault, yet annoyed that him ignoring a message is making ME feel guilty!! It’s very intense and confusing…

I’m remembering when someone once said to me ‘How you think messaging me all the time is going to make me like you, I don’t know’. Okay I sent one text, and haven’t followed it up, but it’s still kicked off those memories for me. I had to fight the obsessive ‘checking of the phone’ I used to go through in the past… my phone will be off until the next session now. I don’t want to talk anymore. It’s brought up feelings of shame for me. Fear. Anger. Anxiety. Self-hatred. Heartbreak.

I’m also thinking maybe I wasn’t supposed to text him, and that I’ll be in trouble for doing the wrong thing. But then I feel angry, because all I was doing was informing them, through him, as I didn’t feel able to phone someone, that I was not good… what do they want me to do? Go a whole week harming myself? Quit the group? Suffer in silence? What sort of fucking therapy is that?! So I feel mad that they’re making me feel alone, and tearing down my self-esteem and self-worth, when they should be building it up.

I feel like all I am to them is a burden, and a nuisance… and that’s all I feel in my waking life anyway, so to have the therapists ‘confirm’ this belief for me… it’s not great.

I have gone from thinking such great things about them, to feeling totally unsupported, let down, abandoned, and detested by them. I almost feel scared of them right now. This makes me feel I can’t trust them anymore. Their words are empty. They’ve had enough of me. I resent them. I’m not going to reach out for help anymore. I’m just going to sit in silence from now on, as if I’m not there. They obviously don’t want me to be.

The fact I’m aware of the splitting doesn’t really help – the only thing that would help is to talk to them about this and resolve it, but I’m not going to do that, as they clearly don’t want to help me. I obviously take up too much of their time already. So I won’t bother them again.

It’s bad enough having impossible, unrequited feelings for a therapist, known as ‘transference’… which ideally would be worked through with him, but can’t be…. but to have that therapist ignore my plea for help too…. when it took everything I had in me to reach out for that help, thinking I don’t deserve it… and facing possible rejection…. I can’t put that into words, how much it’s mashed my head up.

It’s like my past is living out through this therapy, and I’m totally unsupported through it. The therapist wouldn’t help me with my problem, but let others switch to see him. When I phoned to be let into the building he didn’t answer me, but he answered someone else. He’s now left me in the lurch. He doesn’t give a fuck about me, that much is clear. Painfully clear. And the trouble is, I needed him to show me not all men are the same. That there’s a man out there who respects me, values me, cares about me, and only wishes well for me. But so far he’s shown me that… anyone else but me matters… he will ignore me – ie I’m unimportant, worthless etc… I’m a needy mess that nobody will ever like…. I can’t trust men. I can’t see a way this can be fixed now, unless he’d be prepared to have a conversation with me and undo all the damage he’s doing. Thing is he’s not even aware he’s doing any damage, as he doesn’t know my story. But that doesn’t make it any easier for me. All it does is make me also feel guilty for being mad with him, when he doesn’t know he’s hurting me.

I have tried looking at the other possibilities as to why he didn’t respond. He may not have received the message if it was too long. He might not have had his work phone on – could have been a couple of days off. He might have had to talk to someone else to ask what to do. He may have been too busy or forgot. Or it could be I shouldn’t have used the number for an issue like that. But I was only trying to be pro-active in helping myself, rather than having a whole week feeling like shit. Which is what’s happening now. He’s not going to contact me over the weekend. By the time he could, it’ll be too late – it’ll be the next session. If he / they pull me aside next week and tell me I shouldn’t have sent that text, I’ll walk out. I’ll quit there and then.

All I can say is it’s good the next session is about ‘anger’.

Poem: Thanks.

Thanks

Thank you for ignoring me, thank you for your silence;

Thank you for the scars you caused, through such poetic violence.

Thank you for reminding me that men are all the same –

The only way they differ is by their looks and name.

Thank you for the memories you’ve triggered in my mind,

Of rejection and abandonment, from times I left behind.

Thank you for avoiding me, for giving me wide berth;

For the wonderful, amazing job you’ve done on my self-worth.

Thank you too for treating me with sensitivity,

To take my insecurities and play them out for me.

I notice as the weeks go by I learn to trust you less;

I thank you for the way you dodge what I need to address.

Thank you for the way you make me feel I won’t be missed…

The way you showed such little care the time I cut my wrist.

Thank you for informing me my feelings do not matter;

For watching on in silence as my heart and spirit shatter.

Thank you for the jealousy you do not know you stir;

The way you stay away from me, but seem to care for her.

Thank you for these moments when your actions make me ‘split’;

Thank you for destroying me, slowly, bit by bit.

I thank you for the knowledge you carry of my love,

And how you’d watch me kill myself – if push came to shove.

Reaching out to ask for help, it was my last resort…

Thanks for disregarding me. Thanks for your support.

I’ve Had Enough.

 

enough

*Bad language*

I’ve hit an all time low today. I’ve come off of social media, and I’m splitting with everyone I know, barring family. I was triggered by someone’s attitude, and what I perceived to be someone defending them, and attacking me. I understand I could have misread the situation, but unfortunately my spiral had already started by then. And I now can’t shake the feeling like all my friends hate me. They are fed up with me. And they all want me to be silent. They don’t want me to have a voice or opinions.

 

 

Without going into too much detail, as I don’t want to make my blog political, I voiced a couple of thoughts on the state of Brexit. I was not making the comments to initiate debate or start arguments. It’s the last thing I need right now, with my decline in mental health. The person in question often shares and says things I don’t agree with, but she’s entitled to do that, without being attacked for it. I don’t comment on all her posts, looking for an argument. I restrain myself. I let it go. This does not seem to be the case for the person in question.

 

 

What it resulted in was me feeling attacked for my views…. it was implied I was in a minority with my views, and that the majority of people agreed with her and not me. She implied I was not listening to her opinion and wouldn’t accept differences of opinion, which is the furthest thing from the truth – I’m fully tolerant of others’ views, and resent that inference….. and by saying that everyone else she knows has given up talking about it, implied that I should also stop talking about it. Well I’m sorry, but if it’s the one thing that was keeping me going until my doctor’s appointment, and taking my mind off the crud that is my life………………. but you know what, that’s ruined now. Now I’ve cut myself off from everyone, will no longer focus on anything and will blindly hope I can survive two more weeks …alone.

 

 

She picks arguments on Facebook in front of my friends, trying to make me look bad. And although I know many of my friends did agree with my vote, I still feel shown up by her, and I’ve had that in my past, by someone I now consider my one and only enemy. It is absolutely not okay in my book, and it’s happened many times in the last few months. And on three occasions in the last two days, and it’s not okay. It’s wrong. And I am not only upset by it… it caused a lot of anxiety with flashbacks to my past, but I’m also rightfully angry about it. When it happened yesterday I simply made the post so only I could see it, so that I could still click the link and keep an eye on what it was I posted – which was the actual reason I posted it in the first place – for my benefit, not so someone could jump on it and make a point! So I felt I dealt with it well, considering how it made me feel and what it dredged up for me. I shouldn’t have to censor my own posts to avoid her jumping on them. I shouldn’t have to remove my posts because she’s commented on them negatively. But anyway I didn’t argue what she said. I realise there is no point. We’re polar opposites in viewpoints on politics. I can accept that, and she’s entitled to her opinions, and I would not attack her for them. I wish she could do me the same courtesy of allowing me freedom of speech, without going on the offensive, or defensive – whatever the case may be. It would probably be argued that she has freedom of speech to comment on my posts… but not if it’s going to make me feel like shit, I’m sorry. Not if you’re going to waltz in, say your bit and then sidle off as if I’ve just attacked you!

 

 

I have always made a point that I don’t care how anybody else voted. People have their reasons for voting either way. I don’t judge people. The only people I judge are those who have been vile and abusive since the referendum and the result. I will always speak out about that. And I will always hope that my friends will not be part of that crowd, who call Brexiters racists, xenophobes, stupid, uneducated OLD people, who have ‘ruined the lives of young people, just before they DIE and don’t have to deal with the consequences’. I will always point out to those people, you don’t want to be those people. Those people are bullies, and not very nice people. You can have your different views without resorting to abusing other people’s views. There are ways of expressing yourself without verbally vomiting on someone’s innocent post. You take the step back and think ‘How would I feel if someone commented like this on my personal post?’ ‘Live and let live’, means ‘live and let live’… it does not mean ‘live, disagree with the way someone else lives and comment on it, but let live’. I don’t go on her page, in front of all her friends and try to belittle her, or criticise her opinions.

 

 

Twitter was worse. I made a comment regarding a politician and something he’s said. And somehow it became all about her instead. I really don’t know how that happened. It had nothing to do with her, yet she swooped in, picked a fight, and then ducked out saying “dont want to talk about this anymore because my opinion isnt being heard anyway so what is the point.” I’m sorry – I didn’t post that to start a debate. I don’t want a debate. You can have an opinion without having a debate. It had nothing to do with her. She chose to disagree with me in extreme public, and then when I tried to explain my point to her, she took offence, shut the conversation down, went all passive aggressive and tried to make me feel guilty for not welcoming her argument – the argument I never asked for, nor was needed. For fuck’s sake!

 

 

I can’t handle it anymore. It’s got me into such a bad state of mind, that I’ve shut off caring about anything or anyone. I’m harming. I’m splitting – I’ve convinced myself that a mutual friend’s tweets were aimed at me, claiming that the other person had freedom of speech, and that I need to stop ramming my opinions down her throat as facts. I’m sorry…. I wasn’t aware I was doing that. I may be wrong about this last bit, but I feel so isolated now. I feel like they’re ganging up on me. And all the while my best friend hasn’t spoken to me for two weeks yet again. This has become a common occurrence since we fell out last year, and I feel it’s signalling the end. And I know you’d say ‘Why don’t YOU get in touch’, but that’s a whole other story for another time. I can’t reach out to anyone now. I feel I have rewound ten years. I feel as ill and as alone as I was back then. Nobody gives a fuck about me. People attack me when I was actually the victim. This seems to be a pattern. I’m hurt by someone and then people back that person up and hurt me further. And I am so fucking through with people.

 

 

I want to die right now. The world is getting smaller and darker, and nobody reaches their hand out to help me. Nobody treats me carefully. They all run in and trample on me, and then spit on my broken body on the floor, before waltzing off with their middle fingers in the air. I fucking hate people. That is how bad this has got. That is how ill I am. Nobody is my friend. Nobody likes me. Nobody cares. This is how they have made me feel.

 

 

I just wish people would be more considerate with their words and actions. I’m two stone throws away from rock bottom now. I’m sorry I can’t post helpful posts at the moment. Hopefully one day I can get back to that. If I ever get better.

 

Silenced.

silenced

*Contains very strong language – don’t read if this offends you*
*Self-harm & suicidal references*

 

———————

“I’m not even gonna discuss this, you’re making an issue out of nothing” – Holly
“It’s only an issue for you. I’ve moved on and have invited you to group events. You need to move on and stop making it an issue and discussing it, and making it awkward for our friends” – Holly
“I’m not discussing this anymore, on here or in person” – Holly
“I will not hear anymore on the Holly issue”
“I really don’t want to talk about her anymore. I can’t cope with it”

 

Why can’t anyone see that I NEEDED to talk about this?! She fucked up my whole life. What she did was not okay. What followed was not okay. Being badmouthed to all my other friends behind my back was not okay. Having none of them stand up for me, was not okay. Having them all wimp out of it, and meeting with her whilst I felt isolated, was not okay. People choosing her friendship over my wellbeing, was not okay. Being silenced by my friends, and not allowed to talk about my feelings around this major fuck-up of my life, was not okay. And is not okay. I cannot and will not be able to get over this. My voice has been silenced. I’m now afraid to even utter the word “Holly”, in case it upsets the applecart, and I lose more people because of it. But you know what, Holly, along with those other two people who I used to consider my friends, hurt me extremely badly – she was the bitchiest, nastiest person I’ve ever encountered, especially one I called my friend. She tipped my whole world upside down. And she kept crawling back for more. I want to forget her and the past. I know my friends want to do the same. Well, they don’t want to forget HER, they want me to shut up about what she did.

And this is why I’m splitting now. This is why I think I’m a shit person, and nobody truly wants me as a friend. They want her as a friend, and I’m the consolation prize. And it makes me think, you know what just go, be her friend, abandon me – you’ll be happier for it and I won’t have to feel so guilty for stopping you being friends.

I’m sorry that my talking about something that deeply destroyed me, stresses you out, I’m sorry I’m such a burden to you. I’m sorry I can’t just pretend nothing happened and that I’m okay with it. But you know what, you didn’t go through it! She wasn’t a psycho bitch to you! Why the fuck do people think they can comment on how I should handle things when they haven’t got the first fucking clue what it was like, and what it is still like in my mind because of these people?! Why can’t people accept that what these ‘friends’ did to me was WRONG?! Why won’t they just pure and simple defend me? Am I not worthy of loyalty and protection?

I have to keep my mouth shut now, just to please other people. Whilst I’m suffering so badly inside. Do they want me to slash my wrists open? Would that rid them of me, and all my pointless bullshit that I stress them out with?

I can’t talk about Holly. I can’t talk about the other two people who are mutual friends as well. Everything that destroyed my life, I cannot open up about anymore to those closest to me. Do you know how isolating and alienating that is? You should be able to talk to those closest to you about what’s troubling you. But I’m not allowed to. Because those closest to me LIKE all the people who hurt me.

And it makes me feel like repeatedly punching this solid wall next to me, until there’s a hole in it, and screaming until my insides fall out. Because how the fuck can they condone all the pain that these people caused me, and on top of that demand my silence? How can these people care about me, to do all that?
I have to break free. I have to get away from my past, and I can’t. And all the time that I can’t, I have this ‘untold story’ screaming inside me (though it’s been told many times… it’s not healed). Some people think something like this will just heal by ignoring it and pretending it doesn’t exist. Maybe that works for them, but thankfully we’re all individual on this planet, and people cope in different ways. I’ve been told all along for the last four years of my life that I handled everything wrong. I made the wrong decisions. People didn’t intentionally hurt me. They’re ‘not taking sides, but….’ they are defending the person who hurt me… and I just want to say to all those people who said or implied that I didn’t do what they would have done – fuck you. If you think you can handle all the shit I’ve been through in these four years, and handle it better than I did, then please, have my life. I’d gladly trade with any one of you. I’m sick of my past. Almost physically sick.

I am proud of myself for still being alive. What those so-called ‘friends’ did could and should have killed me. But I survived. And to have some stupid people, usually men, tell me that I made the wrong choices and didn’t handle it right, is a big fucking slap in the face. I’m still alive aren’t I? Okay, in your perfect world you’d have stayed friends with these people who stabbed you in the back. But that’s a guy thing, men get over things. Women don’t. And not only am I a woman. I am a sensitive woman. And I’m a woman with BPD and other mental health issues. I need people to have a little bit of sense, not to tell me my way of survival was wrong. Okay maybe you’re perfect and would’ve handled things amazingly…. but also maybe you wouldn’t. It’s easy to judge things from the outside and say, I’d do this, that and the other…. thrown in the deep end of emotions – seeing everything you have being stripped away from you – then what would you do? Talk to me then, once you’ve gone through exactly what I have. Until then kindly keep your opinionated mouths shut.

 

Survival.jpg

 

One aspect of BPD is the feeling of being misunderstood. Feeling alone. And this ‘alone’ isn’t about having nobody around you, or not having friends. It’s so much deeper than that. It is at the core. It’s inside the core, of the core of the CORE. It’s the feeling that the pain you’re going through could NEVER be felt by another… nor understood. We feel things SO much more deeply and in so much more detail, that we’re on a different level to ‘normal’ people. They can’t understand why we’re so upset. Why we react how we do. Why we can’t just move on and forget. They don’t understand – and not in the sense of they just haven’t experienced it themselves. It’s like, they’d have to experience being me, and feeling what I do, and going through what I went through exactly, in order for them to understand, and for me to NOT feel alone. But even then I feel they still wouldn’t get it. They’d still say ‘I’d do this differently… I wouldn’t feel so intensely upset about it as you do’ …. It’s that misunderstood feeling, like you’re abnormal, and always will be… just for feeling things more than most. And that feeling, on top of the immense pain and traumatic memories… it’s enough to make you want to end it, because nobody will EVER understand how hard it is to just exist in your mind, after all you’ve been through.

So, I’m splitting. I’m pigeon-holing my friends. Grading them. Based on their inability to understand me. When I feel misunderstood by someone close to me, my natural reaction is to explain to them, and try and help them understand. But this would require discussing the past in great detail, which I’m not allowed to do. And even if I was given the green light to discuss it, I’d be afraid to now. I’ve been robbed of my voice. And now I’m afraid to use it. So I keep it all locked inside, until it bursts out of me in rage and despair. I have no outlet. I’m one of the unlucky ones who doesn’t have someone to confide in at the end of the day…. someone to hold her and reassure her she’s a good person.  I have no way to let out how I feel, other than writing now.

I never used to talk about my issues. And those were the days I harmed myself, and kept that quiet too. I’ve returned to this time of my life. I can’t talk about it, it builds up, I harm, I keep quiet about the harm (until now). But this is how it has to be. All my old friends taught me this. They taught me NOT to talk about what’s upsetting me, after the years of therapy which taught me TO talk about what’s upsetting me. They counteracted all that hard work. And I resent them for it. I really really resent them. In fact I hate them. They ruined my life. They stopped me talking about it. They destroyed everything I’d built, socially and through my therapy – I lost everything, including all the hard work on myself and conquering my self-harm… and then I have to deal with it on my own too. They have sent me back ten years in my recovery, and I can never forgive them for that.

Holly silenced my voice. She did not allow me the chance to talk to her about our issues and sort them out. And my other friends replicated that feeling when they forbade me to mention her again. In my ‘splitting’ mind, that makes them as bad as Holly… it makes them ‘accomplices’. It makes them her ‘flying monkeys’… her ‘enablers’. And I can’t shake that.

That’s when I will them all to go off into La-la Land and all be friends again without me… leave poor little me to rot away in isolation, as that’s how it feels daily anyway, trapped inside my mind, with my flashbacks… unable to talk to anyone about it. And it’s fair enough I could talk to new friends about it, but I’m afraid to chase them off, as I obviously pissed my closest friends off by talking about my heartache. And some would say ‘that’s what a therapist is for’… yeah, same problem, they often say things that make you feel you should shut up about it, accept it, and not release how you feel. I’m afraid to talk to anyone now about these things. But they’re a huge part of me. I haven’t healed. And anyone who thinks I should have healed by now can take a running jump. Either that or I will. I don’t need to feel like a failure on top of being a burden AND experiencing all of this hurt as well.

 

tired

 

This is terminal though. There’s no way back. I can’t now be told I can talk about it – it’s too late. Damage is done. It’s irreparable. It’s put blocks in the way of my friendships with people. Not just the people involved but others too. I’ve built walls. I feel I can’t truly be myself with anyone anymore because of this. And I keep getting the overwhelming sense of ‘Why do I bother being here anymore? Nobody cares. Nobody understands. Nobody will ever really be my friend and stick around through thick and thin’. I’m too much hard work for people who cannot understand mental health problems. And I’m tired of trying to explain it to brick walls. I want people who understand me to the core. The ones who see the dark and hug me until it’s light again. The ones who make the effort for me. I’m tired of the torment in my brain. I’m tired of doubting my friends, and myself. I’m tired of BPD thoughts and urges. I’m tired of the crushing breathlessness in my chest, and the pain in my heart. I’m tired of feeling scared of those closest to me. I’m tired of waiting to be abandoned. I’m tired of hating myself. I’m tired of memories. I’m tired of life.

“I’m just tired”.