Trigger Upon Trigger.

*Self-harm / suicide references and a lot of bad language – sorry to offend…. personal rant*

 

18th February 2020

 

I’m sorry to vent here, but it’s the only option I have…. I need to make sense of everything in my head. Today was a total headf**k if you’ll excuse me. How do I even put into words the mess I’m living right now??

 

For the last two and a half weeks I’ve been permanently triggered and in a state of extreme anxiety and paranoia. I have had to deal with this on my own. It was caused by somebody at the Wellbeing Centre. I had to wait all this time, until today, to talk about it and resolve how I feel. I went to my group. I had written something about my encounter with the person who triggered me (Z), how it made me feel… why I feel let down again and won’t be opening up anymore. I stated what it was I needed and why. It was not intended to start / continue a conversation. It was to end all conversations. It was just to let them know they f***ed up just like the previous MH service did with me.

 

I didn’t want to just hand over the bit of paper and run out, like the first time I tried to tackle my problem there. I had things I needed to add, to explain what was what, what I wanted and didn’t want, how I didn’t blame those running the group etc., that I don’t want to hear from Z again and had blocked emails from her, that I didn’t want my decision to be taken away from me to continue there…. I wanted to feel that the people running the group know my reality from now on, because nobody will see my reality if I carry on going. I will put on a front. I wanted to wear that mask today, but unfortunately before it started I was further triggered, by the people taking the group. And I couldn’t really control my emotions terribly well. Saying that, I did manage not to bawl my eyes out on the bus.

 

I have been in a constant state of anxiety for the last fortnight… going over and over what I needed to say to them before giving the bit of paper for them to read. I obsessed over it, because I was worried I’d miss something important out. I wanted to feel that sense of relief to have been heard and understood. The day FINALLY came when I could deal with this and put all that anxiety and the bad feelings behind me. I hoped so much that I would feel better after today. But no….

 

Being anxious and also afraid of my request being rejected, I wrote down ‘Sorry to do this… I have a lot of anxiety atm & actually feel scared and ashamed to ask this – but I have something important I need to deal with quite urgently, so could I please borrow the two of you at the end?’ and passed it to them. You can guess where this is going. They said no, basically. They said they’re in trouble for being late to the next group, but I could talk to someone else if I wanted to. Fair enough, but when you consider what I wrote it’s irrelevant. I wrote about my trust being damaged now. That I don’t want to talk to anyone else now. And I felt I wasn’t allowed to talk to them anymore. I talked of being a burden. I talked about closing down now. All I needed was a couple of minutes to just have one final conversation, to get some f***ing relief from this intense sickening anxiety I’ve felt … to feel I’d been listened to … to feel I wasn’t as worthless as Z made me feel. But now X (the person I have feelings for) has made me feel just as worthless, if not more…. because funnily enough he’s probably my FP (Favourite Person) at the moment, and his opinions matter. He affects me emotionally. So being rejected by him today has totally destroyed me. I already felt like a burden to him. I felt so ashamed to ask to talk to him this once more. I feared it. Because I feared more rejection and denial of what I needed, like Z had done. He wasn’t prepared to give me any time. I wanted to die. I still want to die. I have literally just screamed into a pillow and begged a higher power to just kill me. I can’t feel like this any longer.

 

And now having just broken down writing this, I’ve just phoned the Samaritans too. Not the best call I’ve experienced… lots of pauses that made me think they weren’t listening or caring, but never mind. Just one of those days I guess. At least I got some of my feelings out.  Got a sore throat now from that screaming before.

 

I had to phone the Samaritans. There was nothing else I could do. I was doing very bad things to myself, I wanted worse, and I’ve already had diazepam today, and last night, for the anxiety, so that won’t help. I ran out of options. Just have to hope it won’t feel this bad tomorrow. It’s pretty awful tonight. As people are saying I just have to wait and see what comes of what I wrote…. it’s the waiting that’s the problem though. I’ve waited two and a half weeks for relief…. I don’t want to feel this way a minute more. But there’s nothing I can do about it really.

 

Today triggered me, because it completely replicated the very thing I wanted to talk to them about. I asked to have my needs met, and it was denied. I felt like a burden. I felt alone. I felt like I was told to go away and deal with it on my own. I feared rejection in both cases and got it. Every tiny detail from the IAPT service I used a couple of years ago, is being played out at the Centre. And every single bad thing I imagine happening is happening…. so it makes me think I’m right that I will eventually end my own life. Because for the last couple of years my nightmares have all been coming true. It’s almost like premonitions. It’s quite scary.

 

The trouble I’m having is I’m now splitting on my FP – X. I’m angry with him. I’m hurt by him. I don’t want to feel this way towards him. But I do. And he and his colleague were the only two I trusted…. and Z made me feel I can’t talk to them anymore, and they’ve confirmed that by their actions today. I understand they got in trouble for some reason (which I’m now also blaming myself for, for taking their time before)… they don’t want to get in trouble. They’ve obviously been instructed by someone to not allow time to talk at the end if necessary – which is a damn shame, because that is what the IAPT service did too, and it was detrimental to my wellbeing, which I shared with X & co. once before. I do get that they have to do as they’re told. But even the Samaritans woman thought they should’ve helped me if I was asking for it.

 

Reality is I was not going to take much of their time, because I was already PAINFULLY aware of what a nuisance I’ve been. This was the very last time I would have spoken to them. I was denied that. Now I’ll never speak to them again, and I never got that final chance to. I’ve been denied a ‘goodbye’ or closure in a sense. The very problem I wrote about. They have seriously f***ed up. And I bet their response will be ‘Do you think maybe you should stop coming here?’ – as if I’M the problem and the answer is to run away. I bet they won’t stop and think they’re the problem here and can do better for me. I bet they won’t take responsibility for f***ing up. They’ll do what everyone else does and take the easy option of kicking me out and not having to deal with me anymore. I bet. Just wait and see. They do that and I’ll know they’re not listening to me. I’ve not felt this shit in a long time.

 

And all it would have taken to prevent this would have been five minutes of being heard. I hope they’ll reflect on this and realise that although they’ve been told off for being late, in this one situation they should’ve reacted differently. Now they know what the issue was, I hope they feel guilty. Because they have made me feel, like Z did, that their jobs are more important than service-users’ recovery and lives. X has managed to make me feel I don’t matter at all. What happens to me is irrelevant. What matters is having half an hour free so as not to be late for the next group. These people don’t want to bend the rules even a little bit to help someone in dire need. They had no f***ing clue the state I was in and what I’ve been through in the last couple of weeks. All they had to do was care and listen for a few minutes and I wouldn’t have reached this point right now. The point where I just want to be dead. Because nothing else will help this pain.

 

Both of them denied me the thing that would have given me ‘closure’ and made me finally STFU and leave them all alone. Z could’ve given me the reassurances I asked for in my email and I would’ve been spending the last two weeks healing. Instead all my wounds were violently ripped open, to the point I wrote about it, so that I could feel heard. I never got to have the closure and the chance for healing that I needed…. the next best thing would’ve been to feel heard and understood by X. He denied me that chance. They have both f***ed up big time. And copied each other too. I’m just so done with f***ing MH services and their lack of care for the wellbeing of service-users…. or me anyway. It feels like it’s personal.

 

All of this crap makes me wish I’d never said a damn thing to them about what I was struggling with. But I foolishly trusted them to not repeat the same mistakes as the IAPT service. But they have. And it feels a thousand times worse this time. So at the moment I HATE them, more than I ever hated the other service. And this includes the person I have feelings for. So.….

 

I’m just so tired of existing right now. It’s too painful. There is no relief from it. No comfort. No support. No light at the end of the tunnel. I know people care, but the person I want to care doesn’t…. that’s become clear today. And unless he does care, I don’t anymore. Nothing / nobody else matters. That’s what I mean when I say emotionally he is the key. All I needed was to believe for a second that I was worth something to him. That I wasn’t as worthless and irrelevant as I felt. All he had to do was lie. I wish these people would understand how little was actually needed to unlock my whole damn recovery and fix this f***ing mess. I wasn’t asking for much at all. But seems it was still too much. Which makes me feel worthless. I don’t deserve even the bare minimum. That’s how it feels. And the trouble is if they don’t do that little thing that was needed to help me, it creates a bigger problem that requires a bigger solution, which they will NOT give me. It’s the story of my f***ing life. I’m just not worth the effort.

 

 

19th February 2020

 

Made it through the night. Was an uncomfortable night because of what I did to myself, and kept waking up every hour or so, wondering what time it was. When I finally woke up I went straight into thinking mode, as I have done for the last couple of weeks…. my mind doesn’t have an off switch. The only time it’s off is when I’m asleep now. You know what sort of day you’re going to have when the first thing you do in the morning is cry, because of the day before.

 

I texted X to explain how yesterday triggered me further. I probably shouldn’t have. But sod it… I think I’m past that point of caring now:

 

“Hi X. If you’ve read what I wrote, then I hope you can understand just how difficult it was for me to ask to have that final conversation at the end. I feared that rejection I got.

I understand you felt you couldn’t and I know you said I could talk to someone else but you guys were the only ones I trusted. I don’t want to talk to anyone else about this anymore. I only needed 5 mins to explain a couple of things associated with what I wrote. After nearly 3 weeks of sheer hell I just needed a minute to feel heard & to relieve the anxiety I felt, all alone for the longest fortnight of my life. It’s all I would’ve needed. Being denied that was like being denied what I asked from Z… it replicated the very thing I needed to tell you about. Z made me feel worthless… like a number … a burden. Yesterday confirmed that for me. And again I’m sorry I took up so much of your time and made you late that one time. I felt awful about it. Now I pay the price for that.

So yes, I’m extra triggered now and have to get through at least another week of feeling even worse than the last 3… knowing there will be no relief because I’m never opening up again. That was to be the last time. Once I handed the writing over that was it… no more talking. So I had no closure. Everything’s a giant mess. And I don’t know the way out of it anymore.”

 

I don’t expect I’ll get a response. And if I do it’ll probably only trigger me further. I’m just so pissed off because this could all have been avoided had Z listened to what I needed, or if X had given me just five minutes yesterday… that’s all. SO pissed off that all of this could’ve been avoided so simply. It feels like they’re deliberately trying to frustrate me to get me to leave. Even hearing about X’s holiday with his partner was upsetting yesterday – I thought Z said she’d mention to him about not sharing things about his personal life, as it upset me the last time…. guess she didn’t do that. Or if she DID do it then he clearly doesn’t care about hurting me, and is doing it to trigger me and make me leave. They’ll get their wish soon I’m sure. But to be honest if I leave I die. So if they’re trying to force me out then they’re saying they’d rather see me dead than help me.

 

I had wanted a resolution to this whole issue before the three week break. I didn’t get it. I wanted a resolution yesterday. I didn’t get it. There can be no resolution now. These people who are meant to be there to help me have massively triggered me… how can they ever help bring me out of that state of high negative emotions? I can’t see how they can help. X could’ve helped. But since he’s made it worse, and he was the emotional key. There’s nobody else who can help. I don’t know what to do. This isn’t fair.

 

I was so vacant during the group yesterday. And then afterwards I wandered around town in a daze. I was just standing and not knowing what I was doing. At one point I was stood between my two ‘suicide options’… trying to choose which one to do. Thankfully I did neither, and got myself on a bus instead. I figured it was better I went home and hurt myself if necessary, rather than end my life. I really wasn’t safe. I thought of every possible means to exit this world yesterday. I seriously entertained the idea of something I normally wouldn’t. How can it be okay that those I trust to keep me safe and help me, left me feeling that hopeless and alone? Why don’t they care about what they’re doing to me? They’re the ones who need to fix this. It has to be fixed and turned around. The answer can’t be to give up…. If they give up, I give up.

 

(To be continued…)

 

Online Abuse.

 

Online Abuse

 

*Self-harm trigger warning, very strong language and political discussion*

 

A few days ago I went through something I’m still trying to recover from, both psychologically and physically. I expressed my views on Boris and the burka business on Twitter, went out and when I came back I had 34 notifications – I didn’t know what for … I’d forgotten I’d even said anything at that point. As I scrolled through them I saw it was an endless stream of people disagreeing with what I said… saying I was talking nonsense, and attacking Boris. That doesn’t bother me. It initially made me feel bad for what I said, as I was being shown up for ‘being wrong’, and being ‘stupid’…. but eventually I got over that and thought, people are allowed to disagree, it doesn’t mean I’m wrong. Those people didn’t bother me. The ones who did were the ones who attacked ME. This post is about them.

 

I went into adrenaline mode, tweeted that I’d obviously triggered a lot of people with my opinions, and I’d better not read all the notifications or else I’d be cleaning up the mess for a long time – it triggered me. Surprisingly I managed to read them all without harming myself. My heart-rate went up a few times, as notifications came in and as I responded to a couple and got replies back, but I managed to calm myself down and not spin into a full-blown episode.

 

Unfortunately there was one person who affected me so badly I started shutting my account down, and another person who affected me even worse who made me self-harm on an epic scale. I have never punched a wall as violently as I did that day… only ever in my dreams. And I have several scars on my body to go with it. I’m still finding it hard to type or write with my right hand because of the pain. I still have flashbacks to that evening, and the roar of pain and desperation as I hit the wall and slashed at my skin. Thankfully nobody was in at the time, but I dread to think what the neighbours would’ve heard. I remember wanting to do to my right arm what I did to my leg, and had I done so I would’ve ended up in hospital. It also would’ve been the first time I’d harmed my right arm, and that would’ve been it for me… totally out of control. So I actually did a lot less damage to myself than I could have done and felt the need to do. I had to take two diazepam in the end as I was shaking so much, I was panicky, and I wanted to do more damage to myself. It saved me from doing something worse.

 

It’s a balance between me realising I do put myself in harm’s way by sharing my opinions online, so I have to protect my mental health from trolls and bullies. But also people need to stop being shitheads. They need to realise when they’re attacking people for different views, they’re not attacking ‘bots’ and ‘trolls’, they are attacking real human beings, with emotions. They’re not just attacking ideas and politics, they are attacking character, personality and a soul. They are attacking people who have various struggles in life. They do it to feel wonderful about themselves, to feel powerful and put others down, but some of us have a mental illness. This does not mean we’re not allowed an opinion. People should learn tolerance and respect, and how to talk to people without making them question whether they should continue living in this world. The next person they pick on may go a step further and end their life, and that would be on them. Could they live with that? I’d guess yes, because I don’t think these people have a conscience or morals. I don’t think they care about other people. They’d probably take joy in the fact I self-harmed… that the blood is on their hands. That’s the sort of sickos we have in this world right now. No compassion. Seeing everything as a competition… a game.

 

This is what happened….

 

Tosser (2)Tosser2 (2)

 

This was one response I had – it didn’t bother me that much, but it is one thing that pisses me off about the left – if you post something that they disagree with, they write you off as a ‘troll’ or a ‘bot’…. they dehumanise you… which is ironic really, as they are outraged that Boris’ comments ‘dehumanise’ Muslim women. They have no issue in doing the same to ordinary decent people, who just happen to have a different opinion to them. This person isn’t the only one to do it – it is becoming the go-to response of the left. It’s also ironic because they revealed the troll in themselves.

 

Wikipedia says: “In internet slang, a troll is a person who starts quarrels or upsets people on the internet to distract and sow discord by posting inflammatory and digressive, extraneous or off-topic messages in an online community with the intent of provoking readers into displaying responses and normalizing tangential discussion whether for the troll’s amusement or a specific gain.”

 

My comment was on my own account. For me to be considered a ‘troll’ I would have to have gone onto a tweet by this person, and responded with what I said with the intention of starting an argument. But I didn’t. All I did was express my own opinion on my own feed. People coming in and arguing with me, and trying to get a rise out of ME are the ‘trolls’. I had many people come in and talk about general ‘racism’… about Boris’ other gaffes… about Conservative Islamophobia… about all sorts – that’s going off on a tangent, i.e. a form of ‘trolling’… I simply stated that I think the shit-storm is a diversion tactic in order to discredit Boris, and prevent a leadership challenge. I was saying there’s more to this than ‘islamophobia’… How is that ‘trolling’?? It’s my tweet! I can’t troll myself!!

I felt I had to say something and challenge this ridiculous belief that a normal person cannot make a different point… that they must get a kick out of ‘being controversial’ or must be paid to do it. I wasn’t being controversial either, just stating an alternative point of view! But they had to go on and belittle me, implying I’m stupid or gullible. Says more about them than me. Vile little idiot.

 

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This is Ivan. Ivan is a rude little man. He was obviously never taught as a child that ‘if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all’. Of course there will be people who disagree with what I said – I don’t actually care about that. I had loads of people express that to me. But they did so by saying they didn’t agree and then had a rant about Boris. They made it about him and the topic at hand. MOST of them didn’t make it about ME, and so eventually I got to a point I didn’t mind them arguing … I wasn’t responding to them anyway, so they were really only arguing with themselves!

Ivan however chose to say my tweet was ‘stupid’. That is to say that the person who wrote it was stupid. It’s offensive. And I have a right to stand up for myself against offensive old men. He talks of the irony of me criticising others for being rude whilst defending the rudest man in British politics – but that’s ironic too… because he’s only ‘the rudest man in British politics’ in HIS OPINION. What these people on the left fail to grasp is that their views are only opinions, and are no better than the opinions of those on the right. They believe everything they think and say is a FACT. I do not believe that Boris is the rudest man in British politics, therefore standing up to the fact that Ivan was rude to ME holds no irony whatsoever.

 

Two people chipped in to this conversation, to defend their ‘comrade’:

 

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This was one of them. He(??) didn’t like that I was defending myself and teaching a rude man about respect, and he couldn’t find anything particularly offensive that I had said, so he created an offence by picking out a set of words – ‘people like you’ – and being offended by it. Two things come to mind when I think of this… firstly, he’s trying to ‘put me in my place’ – bring me down to their level… to try and paint me as disrespectful also, despite the fact I was simply standing up for myself. Secondly though he showed that his side of the argument are a bunch of sissies. I had the same from that American Democrat a few months back… she was offended by the words ‘the likes of you’. Snowflake alert! Both ‘the likes of you’ and ‘people like you’ are concepts … I know the left struggle with concepts. It’s a term to denote a group of people… it says ‘you and others who share similar beliefs as you’. I’m always saying ‘people like me / the likes of me’ and I don’t get upset about it, because it’s not an insult. It’s a way of saying ‘not only me but people similar to me’. It’s not offensive and by claiming to find it offensive, with the intention of making me sound like a ‘meanie’, they have only shown themselves to be cry-babies. This is why the average person cannot take the far-left whiners seriously anymore. They are afraid of every word in the English language…. Oh God, I said ‘English’… how ‘racist’ of me…..

 

prick4 (2)

 

This was another. This is ‘Mouse’. I shall be coming on to ‘Mouse’ in great depth soon…..

 

Anyway, back to Ivan…. oh yes…. I told him I had opinions of him too, but decided I’d model respectful behaviour and not tell him what they were. What I actually think of him is he’s a nasty, vindictive, hypocritical prick. But I instead said we’d leave it there and wished him a good day. His response was to block me.

A bit later he unblocked me. I found this suspicious so blocked him. I was worried he was coming back for round two. That he wanted to abuse me further. And I was right. Luckily I blocked him just in time. He wanted to stick the knife in further….

 

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He posted this on his timeline for his 13 thousand followers to see. Oh, and then he blocked me again, as I discovered upon unblocking him to report him. So what a fucking coward. But don’t worry, I can see everything these cowards say about me by logging out. Can’t get away with anything sunshine, and I did report him anyway. I now realise you can report people even when they’re blocked, which is good.

This ‘man’ was the final nail in the coffin for me and made me start closing down my account. I possibly will still close it. But I’m looking at all options first, for how to keep safe. I feel he put me in danger because the left are unhinged. They are also uninhibited. They see no issue with targeting people, harassing people, demonising them, hounding them, defaming them, and with the paranoia I already feel with my mental illness at the moment, I could do without feeling unsafe on Twitter.

A part of me wants to stay and stand up against bullies like him. I want to challenge what he has said…. I will start by doing that here…. He said ‘she thinks she can swear’ – where exactly did I swear at this man? Point it out to me. I did not swear at him. I would never swear at someone in a conversation with them. If he is referring to ‘FFS’ then get a fucking grip man! It’s abbreviated and an expression of exasperation! He clearly is 70 years old then, as indicated by the number in his handle, and he’s trying to write me off as a ‘disrespectful young person’ – well fuck him. I have more respect for old people than all of his lot put together. His lot wish old people would die so they get the result they want. I actually prefer older people.  I identify more with their way of thinking than the young people of today. But if an old person is disrespectful, offensive or rude to me, they do not deserve my respect. I did not swear at him. Okay after seeing everyone having a pop at me I wrote a separate tweet on my own feed, saying I should keep my fucking mouth shut then, and I did say ‘fucking dicks’ (please excuse my language here) – I was in an ‘episode’. I was feeling every emotion under the sun and felt silenced. I felt attacked by these evil lefties, and I hated them for being unable to keep their mouths shut when they disagree with something! It wasn’t an attack on him. And he’s painting it wrongly.

He also says about me saying people ‘have a screw loose’ – oh, shock horror, how dreadful of me to say – I could have said you’re a bunch of narcissistic ‘C’ words…. but oh my God I said they have ‘a screw loose’…. damn it…. they think all their screws are tightly fixed in place… bless them and their perfect self-image. But take a look at this:

 

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He takes no issue in repeating it back at me…. saying that ‘if anyone has a screw loose it’s those people who think he should be allowed anywhere near the levers of power’. So he blasts me for saying that, but he also said it. Yes, off the back of what I said. But he still insisted that people on my side of the argument are the ones with the screw loose. He just doesn’t like the implication that people on his side of the debate are less than perfect.

He also said ‘you mustn’t dare call her tweets out for being “stupid”, even though some of them plainly are’…. twat face. He might think some of my tweets are plainly stupid. I think he himself is plainly stupid. But gosh, I wouldn’t be allowed to say that would I, as I’m not a raging lefty! So anything I say to the left is ‘offensive’. ‘FFS’…. hehe.

 

He called me a hypocrite. Now I’m going to demonstrate why HE is a hypocrite…… take a look at these tweets later on:

 

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In the first one he talks about ‘smears’…. yet he happily smeared me to his followers. In both tweets you can see his own offensive manner, about ‘shoving things up your arse’, and calling TM thick. But most importantly in the second tweet he says that kicking Boris out of the Tory party would diffuse the row over islamophobia… ‘but it would also prevent him from mounting a leadership challenge against her’…… What a fucking hypocrite…. he attacked my tweet as ‘stupid’ when it was expressing exactly that sentiment. It may not have been worded that way, but it was saying that people are getting all up in arms about Boris, and Theresa May is in on it, to discredit Boris and stop him challenging her as leader. That’s what I was saying. And he said it himself. He attacked me as stupid for thinking the same stupid thing as him! What a fucking hypocritical moron. And with that, I’m done with him.

 

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And then came ‘Mouse’. I don’t know what Mouse is, so will refer to them as ‘it’ or ‘them’. Too cowardly to be themselves, they hide behind a fake name and image. Having endured enough shit from people, I blocked them after they joined in my conversation with someone else… this is what they said….

 

prick (2)

 

It’s funny really how one person replying to one other person constitutes a ‘racist little echo chamber’… mate it’s called a fucking conversation, and you weren’t invited. This person, or rather this mouse, is your typical far-left Labour supporter – momentum, ‘anti-fascist’ type. And they are deranged. They see everything as racism. They will make a packet of crisps be about racism. They’re fucked in the head. Anyway, ‘it’ said that if it’s about an item of clothing then ‘what right do you have to tell someone what they can or cannot wear. Grow a brain’ … I think the one lacking anything resembling a brain is this little mouse. You see, at no point whatsoever have I said what people should or should not wear. Funnily enough neither did Boris! They’d know that if they’d fucking read the article. They’d know that he doesn’t support banning it. That women should be free to CHOOSE to wear it… as long as they are actually choosing of their own accord. I never mentioned that they shouldn’t wear it. I just said in response to people saying what Boris said is racist, that it wasn’t about the people – it was about the clothes, and if you can’t even make an observation or criticise clothes, then this world is fucked. Are we regressing? Are we heading to a place where we cannot use the English language anymore for fear of offending people? These ‘people’ do my head in. They need help.

So I have something to say to that second tweet that Mouse wrote…. it is directed at the Muslim community, because that is what was discussed. I think that Mouse has actually shown more racism in that tweet than I ever have – because what they are saying is that Muslim’s are of a certain race. That Jews and Christians are ‘white’, and that’s why they are not being criticised. This is utter bullshit. There are people of all races who follow the religions of Judaism and Christianity, the same with Islam. Mouse is stereotyping, and saying that white people are Christians and Jews, and ‘the brown people’ are Muslims. This is wrong, and in effect is a form of racism. It’s funny that they call me a racist with no evidence of that whatsoever. Yet they display their own views on race and religion and show they are less than pure in their views. Islam is not a race. It is a religion. Any religion should be allowed to be questioned. Mouse just wants to shut down discussion, and create villains out of people, so labels them ‘racist’. This feeds its ego. That’s all this is about.

 

Anyway I decided I didn’t have the spiritual energy to put up with all this nonsense, so I blocked it. Now, at the time I was not aware of the barrage of tweets I received from it. I only saw them later when I had invisible comments on replies to people, so I figured it was a blocked account, so logged out, searched for my posts and saw Mouse had tweeted loads of abuse. I believed at the time it was done after blocking them, but I now admit I was wrong. It all occurred before the block, in a 20 minute window or so. It was still a lot to take… being mistaken about the block doesn’t take away the distress I experienced just from what they were saying, regardless of when they said it. So I will start by sharing things that were said before the block, which Twitter didn’t make me aware of – despite all the numerous notifications I kept getting….

 

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Just because you disagree with it, doesn’t make it ‘wrong’. Something you could all do with learning.

 

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Actually I don’t have much to say about this one…. speaks for itself.

 

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So Mouse went a step further than Ivan and called ME stupid. They clearly demonstrated exactly what their lot are like. When challenged on bad behaviour they don’t apologise or back down, they behave even worse. Pack behaviour. And the whole ‘if you don’t want to be accused of posting stupid stuff, then don’t be stupid’… missing the point entirely that it is only stupid in the opinion of weirdos like you. I got more likes for my tweets than I got negative comments. So there you go. Just your opinion and a fucking lousy one at that… but that’s just my opinion of course.

 

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Okay, this makes no sense at all. How does this tweet mean that I am also a racist? I fail to see the link. All I said in my tweet is that those who replied to me have proven that they dislike Boris for reasons other than his comments on the burka. And that anything he does is wrong in their eyes…. because he’s a Conservative…. because he’s not afraid to be honest…. because the left hate the right. Saying that it’s not just about a burka, and that people have proven that, has no link at all to racism – this person is obsessed with racism and needs to be locked in a safe place, until they recover from this obsession… until they break the addiction to the word, and to the hatred behind their words.

They just became obsessed with my tweets and probably enraged that I didn’t bite, and talk to them on any of them. They hounded me until I blocked them (which in my own mind was after only two tweets, as Twitter didn’t alert me to the string of other ones at the time! But what I noticed afterwards, looking at this little mouse’s profile… they like picking argument after argument with people… and they like making people block them, and sharing screenshots of the block whilst mocking the person – I’m not the first, and I won’t be the last. It’s just an ego wank. Sad, pathetic, lonely little narcissist with nothing better to do with their time than harass people and use them as a means to bolster their own image as the stronger/better person. Dude, you commented on tweets at least eight times, and I didn’t respond to any of them… because you’re not worth the time to talk to. I could see you for what you were straight away – you’re an unreasonable person and it would be a waste of time saying anything to you, as you already cast me in the ‘racist’ role probably long before I posted my tweets…. you woke up in the morning and thought, ‘I wonder who will be my ‘racist of the day’ today’. And I was the lucky person you selected. It takes more strength to stay quiet when someone is trying to provoke you, than to bite back and give them more ammunition. Some bullies are best to be ignored, and eventually they’ll get bored and walk away. Not all, but ones like this aren’t worth lowering yourself for.

 

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This one didn’t bother me, as it’s a fair question. But my fair answer would be that actually there are people on both sides of the argument – including Muslims. As much as some say it IS islamophobia there ARE others who say it is not. So would you ignore them?? I know that your side of the debate don’t listen to reason…. you’d fly off the handle at this suggestion, but it’s a fact. Not everyone thinks the same as you. And that’s okay. I get it. You think you’re fighting the good fight…. but there are some who would be grateful Boris said what he did, and wish he’d go further and suggest the banning of the burka. I don’t care if that happens or not. I’m just being objective about the situation. It’s not one-sided. There are women in other countries taking them off in protest, not wanting to wear it – they do not want you defending it… they would want people to help them in their bid to be free of it. Don’t say it’s a lie, just because you know some are offended. I’m simply stating the truth that people feel differently about it, and that is okay.

 

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What a troll. This demented little turd obviously has so much rage inside that anything I tweeted enraged them, making them tell me to delete my account. When I read ‘delete your account’, in my head my response to it was ‘delete your life’. What gives this jumped up little piece of shit the right to tell me what to do? This is what they want. They want to silence an opposing voice. They want to shut me down. They want to shut us all down, one by one, until the only voice that remains is theirs, and then they can live out their little dictatorship fantasy…. their cult fantasy, where we all think the same. No chance mate. You may bully us into silence, bully us off of Twitter, but you will NEVER be the majority voice. But you enjoy your sad little lefty echo chamber once you’ve bullied all the decent people off social media.

 

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And then I blocked them. And they did this. They told their followers that I’m a racist, with my photo next to it, making me feel like a target in the outside world as well as online. Cheers bastard. I’m still waiting for you to take it down. I reported both you and Ivan, and Ivan was found to be guilty of abusive behaviour and removed all his tweets about me, at least earning some respect from me, and you have been found guilty of hateful conduct. So I’d remove this post if I were you, as it’s the one that puts you at risk of further action from me if you don’t. You are defaming me.

You say ‘Some advice Lily, if you’re being called racist, perhaps it’s because you are’ – this is seriously bent logic. YOU were the one who radically decided I was a racist, despite me posting no racist material at all. If I was being called a racist by lots of different people then your comment, whilst still not true, would at least make a little sense. But you call me a racist, and then say if I’m being called it then perhaps it’s because I am one… that’s like saying ‘my opinion of you is fact’. You’re delusional and seriously sick – seek help. Let’s follow that logic…. I could equally say to someone like yourself that you’re a paedophile… with no evidence that you are…. you would question that, and my answer would be ‘Some advice, if you’re being called a paedophile, perhaps it’s because you are one’….. do you see the issue with this? Just because I’d think it so, does not make it true. So surely you must accept that just because you labelled me as racist, it does not mean I am. If we can all go around deciding who is what, and the logic is that you are that, ‘because I say so’, then what an ugly world we’d live in. You’re contributing to that ugliness.

But if I had applied the ‘paedophile’ logic to you, you would sue me for defamation, particularly if I had put a picture of your real face next to my accusation. This is no less damaging. So remove it, or have it removed and face action. Your choice.

 

Mouse is a wannabe… they follow all things Labour, socialist, ‘anti-fascist’ and Momentum. This thing needs no more summing up than that. That tells us all we need to know. That’s why they don’t bother me that much… I’m happy to let them continue down their sad little path of destruction, but leave my face out of it, you nasty piece of work. These sorts of people cannot be helped. They’re lost souls.

 

Moral of the story is I know who I am. I know what I am and what I am not. I know that these people have a sickness that makes them see ‘racism’ where it doesn’t exist. Calling people ‘racist’ seems to be a cathartic experience for them. It makes them feel better about themselves. I think being deemed a racist by one of THEM is a sign I’m doing okay in life. As much as it’s caused me distress and I don’t want it to happen, I have to remember that I am on the right side of history.

 

Many people like me have been branded as racists, and blocked by far-left people. It means nothing. After the abuse I got, and the viciousness of people disagreeing with my opinion, and returning to my ‘echo chamber’ of like-minded people (just like the left do), I felt at home. I felt safe and centred. I felt sane. If I have to be wrongly given the racist title, a fascist title or whatever else they concoct to try to appear to be better people, then so be it. I would rather be called a racist and yet be among a group of good people, polite, peaceful, tolerant, quiet, respectful people, than to mingle with those on the opposite side, who are everything bad about the world – they are intolerant, violent, rude, nasty, narcissistic, sociopathic bullies who have no respect for other people, for their opinions and for freedom of speech. They also have no respect for the truth. They make up reality. No wonder they’re in such turmoil all the time, and have to lash out at people, because they are suffering with delusions, and not seeing things as they truly are. I have to pity them. I know I’m on the right side, talking to people on the right (not FAR-right as indicated by people like Owen Jones – to whom everybody who isn’t far-left like him, is far-right) – we seem more rooted in reality, more peaceful, open-minded and tolerant of different views. I see nothing wrong with not being on the left. There is nothing wrong with being on the right. The only people who paint a picture of the right being dangerous, violent racist thugs, are those on the far-left who are dangerous violent fascist thugs. So if you’re moderate right-wing be proud. Don’t let the bullies silence you. Know who you are and what you believe in, and maintain the high-ground. When compared to those like Mouse and the far-left, we are the better people. That is why they have to fling insults and accusations at us, and smear us…. because they know we’re better people. Bullies always pick on the good ones, and those they deem to be ‘weak’. But we are not weak. We are the strongest fuckers on the planet. We’ve had to put up with their shit for the last three years at least. And we’ve generally maintained our dignity through it all. Silent persistence and ignoring their histrionics is the way forward.

‘Trauma’ & ‘Triggers’…

A trigger is the connection between the conscious mind and a buried painful memory.

*Bad language, self-harm, suicidal thoughts, and a personal rant but with real cause for concern*

 

Part of me feels I shouldn’t be writing this, because me having a voice pisses everyone off. I break their belief that they’re perfect, and that I’m a worthless piece of shit. I know nobody wants me standing up for myself, they never have, but it’s about time people take responsibility for their shitty behaviour. So here goes…

 

Yesterday I posted an opinion on Twitter, about this £10,000 pay out to 25 year olds, and how it won’t heal a generational rift, it will cause one… that old people worked hard all their lives, paying into the system… they weren’t handed everything on a plate… people strived and struggled to have the things they own. My humble opinion is that people should work hard… it makes them stronger. Getting the old to bail out the young isn’t right. That’s all I know. I know people disagree, and that’s fine. I accept that. I hope my views will be accepted too, as mine. Anyway, someone called Tara then pounced on it, arguing it. I admit my reaction may have seemed like an ‘overreaction’, but given that just a day earlier I had the same problem with a friend, and both instances tapped into some traumatic shit from my past, going all the way back to childhood, the feeling of being ‘publicly humiliated‘ is a big fucking trigger for me.

 

 

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After she argued my views, I asked her to stop, said it was just my opinion, and my mental health couldn’t take it atm. I told her I’d removed the tweet she disagreed with. I muted her. But I saw she’d said it was just starting a discussion (I wasn’t inviting that to happen), wasn’t a personal attack on me, and she was sorry I felt it was…. a false apology.

 

 

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I wrote out an explanation for why I seemed to overreact earlier. And I wanted to tell people about the trigger, and that I sometimes need to release my feelings about things, but don’t want to debate – my nerves won’t take it.

 

She then retweeted it on her timeline, and said it was aimed at her (which nobody would’ve known, as I didn’t mention her name before & deleted evidence), it was uncalled for, saying she’s not responsible for how I respond to a ‘reasonable tweet’. And see below for my reply. I then blocked her. It’s not up to her to decide was is ‘called for’ or ‘uncalled for’ on my own Twitter feed. Given that it was not solely about HER, I think it was extremely called for – to warn people of where I’m at, and how delicate I feel at the moment. Surely a therapist / counsellor would agree that communicating my needs is a positive step, no? Does she believe that I should suffer in silence, put up with people crossing my boundaries, and continue hurting myself? I would hope not in her profession. She has no right to dictate what is right for me to do, to cope with a traumatic experience for me…  she may not understand my trauma, but that does not diminish its existence for me personally. If I had called her out, used her name and pointedly attacked her, and only her, then maybe… but as it was a general thread about my feelings and needs, it is wrong of her to tell her followers that I shouldn’t have posted it. Although if you think about it, she was telling her followers, many of whom suffer mental illness, or work in that field, that she thinks someone going through an intense episode of mental illness and reliving trauma, should not talk about it… should be quiet and take it out on her own flesh. She’s basically adding to the stigma. So… if that’s her choice….

 

 

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Something that needs saying, particularly with Mental Health Awareness Week coming up, is that Tara is apparently a ‘trauma therapist’, and psychology undergraduate. Good fucking luck to anyone who has the misfortune of being treated by her! She showed a total lack of awareness of TRAUMA and how it affects people!!! She’s meant to be an expert in it, and having explained my trigger being ‘public humiliation’, she went on to tell all her followers my name by retweeting me, and totally humiliating me, opening me up to potential abuse from those who follow her. It is shocking that someone who apparently knows about trauma, and specialises in trauma therapy, has no clue about ‘triggers’.

 

Trigger

 

 

I have to admit that I did ‘overreact’ to her challenging my opinion. But I explained why that was. I wrote something along the lines of:

“From time to time I will express an opinion that some of you may not agree with. And you have a right to not agree with it. You have a right to express your views on your own page. I also have a right to voice my feelings about subjects, without fear of being shouted down by the opposition. I do not post to debate anything. I post to express my worries, my frustrations and my emotions. I post to connect with people who feel the same. I post to not feel as isolated as I am atm. So when I have people jump on my tweets, arguing them and trying to show me up, whilst making themselves look/feel better, it makes me shut down and feel even more isolated. Many people would think ‘If you can’t take criticism don’t share your thoughts online’. But I have a right to an opinion just as much as anyone else. And I don’t understand why so many people nowadays seem to think they HAVE TO argue with opinions they disagree with. Why not scroll past? Or balance it out with your own view on your own page, without involving mine? I have been experiencing isolation that nobody could ever understand recently. I have also had my opinions attacked by other people very recently. My nerves cannot take this anymore, with the depth of my mental illness right now. So please have some consideration – especially if you are supposed to understand mental health, either as someone with mental illness, or as someone working with those who have it… think about how your need for winning arguments, and scoring political points could impact on the mental health of someone else. I just turned my hands black and blue and shouted the house down, in tears because of this – I’d hate to think the neighbours heard what I said. Anyone who thinks it’s okay to make someone feel like this will be blocked. I have a right to speak and be heard. Sometimes I might be up for discussing things, and I do understand freedom of speech includes the freedom to disagree, but I’m not mentally up to it atm. Consequently I removed the tweet that started it… to avoid any further upset. People say to ignore the haters – sometimes I can do that… sometimes I’m more sensitive, and they just hurt me too much. I try not to join in hashtags, so that I don’t invite people to attack my views. So if you’re a follower of mine, particularly one who’s in the know about mental health, please show me the respect right now, of allowing me to express myself. Because the alternative is I shutdown and internalise everything. My outburst before was because of a feeing of public humiliation, which is one of my biggest, if not THE biggest trigger for me. And given the state of mind I’m in currently, I can’t take any more of it. If you follow me and don’t like my opinions, please just unfollow me – I’d rather that than be made to feel like shit for using what little voice I have left. People have been systematically shutting down my voice in the past couple of weeks, and I now don’t feel safe airing my thoughts on Facebook, Twitter or on my own blog. I can’t talk to friends either as they’ve abandoned me at the worst time of my life. So I have nowhere to speak and release my feelings. I’m not looking for pity. I’m looking for understanding and a bit of kindness. I will try and keep my opinions to myself. But if by chance you happen to see one, and you don’t agree with it, please do what I do to your opinions, and just ignore them and go about your day. Disagreements don’t always need to be aired. And I would appreciate it if for the time being at least, people refrain from debating with me. Some people are made for debates. I am not. And I’m fragile right now. But I’ll try my best to keep my feelings to myself. It’s safer that way.”

 

I was trying to explain how I felt, rather than harming myself again. I’d already punched the living daylights out of my hands as a result, but I thought if I calmly explained what was going through my head, and what I needed from people, they might actually respect that, and respect me. But no, just as with everyone else, she decided to take it personally, make it about her, and tell all her followers what a crazy, bad, out-of-line person I am. She decided to tell everyone that it’s MY fault. That she did nothing wrong. Now, fair enough she probably didn’t actually do anything wrong. I admit that. I admit that it was a trigger for me, so it made me relive a lot of traumatic experiences, which any legitimate trauma therapist SHOULD understand for God’s sake – so my reaction appeared out of the blue to her. Now, I used the word ‘attacked’ because that’s how it feels to me. Whether it was meant as an attack is irrelevant. In my mind it felt like it, not because it was, but because she’s not the only one who has done that to me recently. Anytime I’ve built up the confidence to say something I’ve had somebody argue against it. To somebody mentally healthy they’d probably just shrug it off, but I’m the most ill I’ve been in fifteen years. I’m isolated. I have no support system. I’m having to cope with everything alone, and I’m in so much pain. I feel so worthless. And I’ve been shut down by people. It triggered me. It knocked my confidence. It made me feel worthless and like I don’t have a right to speak. I felt as if the only words everyone wants to hear me say are these below:

 

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She said it wasn’t a personal attack, and she said she’s not responsible for how I respond to a reasonable tweet. No. But she is responsible for retweeting my explanation of my trigger, and further triggering me in that way… to ‘get back at me’. But you know what, she did worse to me, than I did to her. Because in my explanation I made no reference to who she was. It was a general message to my followers so that they understood what I needed, and what my boundary was. She took it personally – that’s her reaction to it, which to quote her ‘I am not responsible for‘. But she chose to post about me on her twitter feed, quoting me, so that I was not some anonymous person. And if she even read it, she was fully aware of my trigger being ‘public humiliation’ and she CHOSE to do it. She IS responsible for that. 

 

She is supposed to be a professional. She should be aware of the consequences of her actions… this includes online. I immediately cut my arm, slashed at my leg multiple times and injured my hands even more. Now, people would argue – ‘You’re responsible for self-harming… you made that choice’. But let me tell you, very often I can make that choice. When my emotions are heightened to that degree, and someone is deliberately triggering me, it’s like seeing red. It was a BPD episode, mixed with an anxiety attack, as I was shaking, felt sick and my heart was all over the place. In those moments I do not have control over myself. In those moments there is no choice. In those moments I am not responsible – the person who upset me to that degree that I have no power over myself, is responsible for what I do. Ultimately I am responsible, because I am the one who has power to learn better coping methods. In my calmer times I can replace self-harm with less destructive behaviours. I can try and stop self-harming. But I’m in a place at the moment, where I am not recovered. I am not even recovering. I’ve been steadily going backwards in my recovery. I admit I am not even trying to stop self-harming at the moment. I have no psychological support. I have no close friends. I’m trying to cope with this shit of a life on my own. I know she would attack me and say I made the choice to cut myself, it’s not her fault. But that is so unprofessional, and she shouldn’t be working with vulnerable people, if she can’t understand trauma, BPD and self-harm.

 

trauma is personal

 

 

I know in a logical mind that I should not be blaming anyone for ‘making me self-harm’. Nobody can make you do anything. But given that I don’t have any other way to cope right now, this was going to be my go-to action. And she must have known the effect it would have on me to publicly humiliate me by posting about me. As a mental health professional she should not have done that, and I am going to report her, advising people that she needs more training in trauma… the very thing she specialises in. A mental health professional needs to be compassionate, tactful and considerate… and display empathy. She showed none of these things.

 

It terrifies me, the sorts of people they allow to train to be mental health professionals nowadays. One of the other people who hurt me last year in this same sort of way, is training to become a counsellor. She was vile to me. These people don’t tolerate a different opinion. Tara claimed that she was just expressing a different opinion – trying to paint herself as the victim. But actually by arguing MY opinion she was showing she couldn’t tolerate that different opinion. An opinion is just that, and it should be accepted. It should be allowed to stand there unchallenged. If someone argues it they’re showing they are intolerant of that person’s belief and ‘have to set them straight’. If you don’t agree just carry on with your life. I don’t understand this need on the left to argue with people you disagree with, it’s crazy. She also said it was starting a discussion… no it was starting a debate, as it was a different opinion. She also implied that I’m naïve – now that is a personal attack. She was trying to backtrack and appear like a victim. I wish people could see something they don’t like, and either just move on and let someone feel how they feel, without feeling the need to challenge it… or that they could say ‘Well, I disagree but fair enough’.

 

Okay, she didn’t know when she commented on my tweet, that it would trigger me. She clearly doesn’t read my tweets or my blog… otherwise she would have known. She did a false apology, in the sense of ‘I’m sorry you thought it was a personal attack’. That could’ve been it. That could’ve been the end. That could have been forgiven. I would’ve calmed down and seen it more rationally, and realised I overreacted. In fact I had calmed down. I thought it was over. But clearly my explanation triggered her. I thought I was doing the right thing by explaining why I overreacted and what I require from followers. I thought it was a good thing. She decided to open the wound up again. She had ‘apologised’, I had explained. She went into victim mode, and attacked me, properly this time. She deliberately chose to do that. If by some miracle she’s the same as me, and doesn’t have control of her reactions when emotional, then should she really be working with people who experience trauma? Honestly?

 

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This may seem like I am now attacking her. But I am furious that a so-called ‘mental health professional’ would treat me so badly that I harmed myself as much as I did yesterday. I had a breakdown. Thankfully my mum was with me, otherwise I probably would’ve done something permanent. But I wanted to die. I wanted to hurt other people (never actually would, but the thoughts scared me). I wanted to check out of reality. I wanted to be sectioned. I felt it would be the only way to keep me safe. I’ve never felt like that before. I didn’t know what I was saying. I didn’t know what I was going to do. And it was terrifying. Anyone with BPD will know what I’m talking about. They will know how scary it is experiencing one of these episodes. And nobody should be pushed to that point – not by a professional. This post would also be deemed ‘uncalled for’ by her, but I assure you it would not have happened, had she not crossed a major boundary and deliberately triggered me that second time. My initial response may have been blown out of all proportion – that’s trauma for you. But I feel totally justified in discussing this issue on my own blog, after actions intended to upset me, and which caused me a lot of injuries.

 

As she had the knowledge it would upset me and I’m a self-harmer, it was the equivalent of me standing on the edge of a cliff, wanting to jump, and instead of talking me down and pulling me back, she gave me a little nudge and boasted to her friends as I plummeted to my death. That’s how it feels.

 

A mental health professional should know where to draw the line. The fact is, I deleted my tweets…. so nobody would have known I was referring to her. Nobody would have known. I didn’t specify in my explanation who it was… it was a general comment. Hers was targeted. I feel like it was an abuse of ‘power’. In that she is a professional and I am a ‘patient’ (though thankfully not hers). And she didn’t like that I wasn’t ‘in my place’ -below her. So she wanted to make herself feel more powerful by tweeting about me and hurting me. Again, that’s how it feels. It’s the ‘I know better than you’ manner…. but if she did know better than me, which she should as a professional, she wouldn’t have deliberately triggered me again. She would have understood that I’m experiencing trauma and a perceived ‘threat’. And she would have respected my feelings and my wishes. 

 

After a traumatic experience, the human system of self-preservation seems to go onto permanent alert, as i

 

 

Some people think of trauma as sexual abuse, rape, war, crime, natural disaster etc. But trauma can come from a range of different experiences. I was publicly humiliated routinely at school. I was bullied in front of the whole class with nobody intervening. I had a teacher grab my arm after I accidentally burnt my hand, shouting that I was a stupid girl, upsetting me instead of letting me treat it. I had friends a few years ago who hurt me badly by dragging other friends into disagreements. I’ve had trouble with this trigger last year, and also this year… a week ago. And so many more examples, which I talked about on a post recently, explaining the trauma I went through that left me with this mental illness, BPD. Every time I experience the same feeling of public humiliation, I relive ALL of these experiences. That my friend is what TRAUMA is. It’s flashbacks. It’s a build-up of experiences that mirror each other. That’s why it seems like an ‘overreaction’ because it’s not just about that one incident, it’s all of them. Any well-trained trauma therapist should know this. And if they don’t they should not be in the job – they are damaging to already ‘damaged’ people.  Sorry, I’m very angry about this. Mental health professionals should want to help people to get better…. they should not be allowed to make people feel worse. She has only added to my pile of traumatic experiences, and to the number of my scars, and now someone else will have to fix what she’s broken in me.

 

She might not think that I really have a mental illness – try telling that to my mum who sat with me through it all yesterday. She was validating me and telling me it was right that I was cross about it, and upset. That the things I shouted when I was breaking down were okay. She knew I didn’t mean them. She knows all about the shit I’ve been surviving through in the last couple of months, alone. She was telling me it’s not right, the way people are treating me. She kept me safe. After my second bout of self-harming she encouraged me to use my fidget cube and spinner, and tried to make things better for me. And whilst Tara may think my response was an overreaction, and silly… and ‘wrong’, my family know exactly why HER reaction was wrong, and the damage she’d just inflicted on me. They understand about triggers, and why it wasn’t a kind thing to do to deliberately trigger me. I think they understand better than this ‘professional’. Or perhaps it’s more that they understand me, and my illness, and my past. This girl didn’t – which I think is all the more reason to be kind to people and try not to hurt them. I guess I have to forgive her, as she doesn’t know the shit I’ve been through in my life and how close to ending it all I am currently. All I can hope is when I report this she’ll learn from the experience and not traumatise vulnerable people anymore.

 

Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life, and I’m in a lot of pain today. But I feel calmer. I feel safer, as I’ve protected my tweets now, so only my followers can see them… not that it would’ve helped in this case as she was one of my followers! But if anyone ever makes me feel that way again they’ll get an instant block. I only want people who respect my right to be heard, my wishes, my feelings and understand mental illness and wouldn’t wish to hurt me.

 

The good thing about yesterday were the people on Twitter who supported me, and understood that I was upset. I’m grateful to those people more than they could know. They gave me a glimmer of hope, and a determination to not give up on life entirely, not yet. I won’t give unkind people the power to destroy me completely. It’s going to take a long time to recover, but I will rise from this and use it to educate mental health professionals about mental illness, and things they should bear in mind when speaking to people who experienced trauma, and who self-harm. This was just one of life’s cruel lessons, but so far I have survived it, and I will put it to good use and won’t allow this person to ruin my life. She’s not worth it.

 

Even writing this blog I feel hyper-alert to potential threat. I feel I’m going to be criticised for this. I’m scared she’s going to search me out and attack me. I can’t afford to lose control and harm myself again. I’m worried other people will have a go at me for speaking out about this. But this was a highly upsetting encounter for me, and having no safe place to express myself, I choose to listen to followers of this blog, who say this is my space and I’m free to voice my feelings. I am terrified to do so though. Everything I’ve done lately seems to have been ‘wrong’. But I’d like to see how anyone else would handle what I’m going through right now. I’m not doing it to be a bitch. I’m doing it in order to discuss the concept of trauma and triggers – and highlighting the understanding that it seems even mental health professionals lack, around the behaviours of those with a painful past. I hope people will have the compassion and understanding I need. I’m not coping at all with life right now, and I don’t want to do it. And incidents like this, especially coming from people who should be compassionate and understanding, don’t exactly inspire me to stay alive. But I’ll try for now. If things get any worse I’ll have to re-evaluate.

 

My next blog will hopefully be about validation and the necessity for it with BPD – this person was incredibly invalidating, but I received much-needed validation from other sources, and that’s what brought the intensity of the crisis down. I want to start blogging about helpful things again, but sometimes life gets too much and I need to vent. I hope people will be forgiving.

 

Thank you to all those who continue to support me, and defend my voice. It means a lot. And I owe a lot to my family. They gave me a beautiful plant and chocolate today, to cheer me up, and I feel so much love for them. I wouldn’t still be here without them.

 

xxxx