Tuesday Journal: 31/03/20

Things I’m grateful for:

  • Wii games to keep my mind occupied and have fun in lockdown.
  • The photo challenges set on Twitter – gives me something to look forward to and to think about.
  •  The things people come up with to keep others entertained online – that sense of humour, fun and kindness people are showing each other.
  • Crochet. Obsessive about it again at the moment.

 

What I struggled with:

  • Feeling alone. Feeling invisible. Ignored. Nobody talks to me. I struggle to talk to others when they offer. I’m trapped. Wanted to talk to someone in my life about everything I’ve been going through. It was put off and now I feel unable to ask to talk to them again. So feel totally alone with how I’m feeling.

What I learnt from it:

  • Sorry, but nothing. I’ve learnt what I already knew. I’m nothing. I’m irrelevant. Nobody cares. I AM invisible. And I’m so messed up too, as other people offer to be there, and I just can’t talk to them. I can’t reach out. I can’t keep communication going. I’ve shut down again. I don’t know the way out of this. Going to the Wellbeing Centre helped me. I might not go there for another six months now. How the hell am I going to get through this on my own, in my own head, unable to communicate or be noticed? I can’t do this.

 

What I achieved:

  • Set up Skype to keep in touch with family.
  • Finally phoned my friend who lives alone & is in her 70s.
  • Faced my anxiety and did the shopping. Was scary. Don’t want to do it often.
  • Finished my 25 miles walking for March and signed up for April, even though it’s only 5 miles to start with – will increase it depending on how much we’re allowed out etc.
  • Managed to get through the last two weeks without doing anything to myself. Urges are there, and I’m sure it’ll happen at some point. But two weeks is good for me… considering everything.

Tuesday Journal – 24/03/20

As I said, I will write every Tuesday to keep a record of each week, like I would be doing at the Wellbeing Centre if I was still able to go. So this will be today’s but first of all what I would’ve written last week if it wasn’t cancelled.

 

Tuesday 17/03/20

 

Things I am grateful for:

  • My favourite season – Spring. Used to go for my walks in the evening as it’s lighter now and not too cold or too hot.
  • Westlife – keeps that connection for me with Liv. Anytime I listen to their music or watch their DVDs like the one that came out on Friday, I feel she’s here with me.
  • Blogging. A way of coping with my feelings. Expressing my thoughts. Enjoying working on the poetry blog.
  • Memory loss! A perk to memory loss is coming across old poems I wrote, having no memory of writing them or what they were in response to, and thinking ‘that’s pretty good… wonder who wrote that….’ – nice surprise when I realise it was me!

 

What I struggled with: 

  • Everything….. carrying on…. ‘adulting’ – I’ve gone backwards after talking last week. Thought I’d turned a corner but it was a dead end. Stopped doing everything again. Feel like a weak, wounded, vulnerable, broken little girl on her knees after pleading for help and being dismissed.

What I learnt from it:

  • Not much. That I have to just look after myself. That it’s my lot in life to beg to have my needs met, and to be rejected at every turn. This is all I’m worth. And all I’ll ever get. Nothing positive this week really.

 

Things I achieved:

  • Forced myself out for a 6 mile walk on Thursday.
  • Joined in on BPDChat on Twitter.
  • Survived.

 

 


 

Tuesday 24/03/20

 

Things I am grateful for:

  • That I attended the Wellbeing Centre when I did, so I found inspiration to set goals, think more positively and have more hobbies to keep me busy during lockdown.
  •  The ability to switch my mind off from the news etc. … some aren’t lucky enough to be able to do that.
  • Family.

 

What I struggled with:

  • A fair few things. Obviously my emotions in response to the groups being cancelled. But got through the initial devastation of that. So I’d probably say comfort eating and letting go of the walking, due to the Coronavirus stuff and feeling under the weather myself. Put on weight. Really craving chocolate at the moment, but got three weeks still until I can eat it. So trying to fill the void of that chocolate comfort I’m craving…. nothing seems to satisfy it though.

What I learnt from it:

  • I’m obviously wanting to comfort eat for a reason. I need to reflect on the deeper reason and try and meet the need in a way that doesn’t involve binge-eating. Find comfort in something else – like exercise, crochet or writing.
  • Not to beat myself up too much for it. It’s a stressful and upsetting time.
  • I may have put weight on and stopped walking, but I can start again from here.

 

Things I achieved:

  • Another 6 mile walk yesterday.
  • Made a crochet flower for my nan.
  • Phoned an elderly friend who’s isolating.

 

 

 

“Happy” “New” Year…

First of all I want to wish everyone a Happy New Year. I hope 2020 is a wonderful year for you all. Thank you so much to everyone who follows my blog, reads it, comments etc. – it all means a lot to me, especially the supportive comments I’ve had in the last year or so… I apologise for not responding to many of them… I’ve kind of closed down when it comes to conversation and offers of help. I’m not used to it, so I don’t know what to say anymore. But please know how much I value the continued support – it really does help.

 

I haven’t blogged in a while. I’ve been trying to quietly survive this horrible thing that is life. I’m unsure which way things will go for me now, but I’m trying my best to endure all the pain and loneliness, however uncomfortable I feel with it all. I figure that’s what life has to be for me from now on…. sitting with uncomfortable emotions constantly… tolerating each moment until the inevitable end.

 

Sorry, I’m not very jolly at the moment. I got through Christmas but the truth is I find the New Year harder. Always have. And with the state of things now it’s even worse. My friend Liv lost her battle with her mental health in 2019…. I should be glad to see the end of this year… but I feel differently about it. It’s like another loss… she lived in this year…. she won’t next year. 2020 will be a year that she never touched. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I’m struggling with my grief right now.

 

It’s all ‘Happy New Year!’ and fresh starts etc…. there is no fresh start for me. I don’t want one. All I want is the life I used to have before I lost everyone. All there is, is a continuation of how I am now. All I have is ‘life goes on’… indeed it does … that’s the worst part for me. Life going on without Liv. Life has done that for nearly eight months now, and I still can’t accept I’ll never talk to her again. She was a very quiet person, but the world feels so much quieter without her. Or maybe I am. I think it’s silenced me. It’s paralysed me mentally. Anything I feel inside no longer shows on the outside. Nobody knows how I feel. They don’t know how close to the edge I am.

Everything is happening in a blur around me. Everything is dark, dull, heavy, lifeless, unreal yet at the same time it’s too vivid, too sharp, too real. Me and life are two separate entities. I’m an outsider looking in… seeing life happen, in a warm, inclusive, jolly … unity – something I can never be a part of again. After all, who would welcome in someone as broken as this? I was a virtual outcast before Liv took her life. I had been abandoned by pretty much anyone I considered a friend. Liv was the only one I had left. I had people I saw more than I saw Liv. We didn’t live that close to each other. But I knew her at least thirteen years. She was a true friend. The best friend I ever had. There was not a single bad thing I could say about her. We never fell out. She always had my back. She never left me feeling invisible. She believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself. She was always there. I will never find anyone as wonderful as she was. And now she’s gone. Forever.

 

Now it’s the middle of winter, and I’m on the outside of a warm get-together, full of laughter, friendship, love. I’m out in the snow, peering through the window, being forgotten… wondering how everyone else can carry on… I watch them… envious of those who ‘belong’ in this world… those who have friends and can find even a shred of happiness at this time… I hold my face close to the window and watch life happening… but my breath fogs up the glass and it all becomes hazy. Still the sound of ‘life’ can be heard from within. I reflect on the days I felt I belonged here. The days I could live in this world. It didn’t last long…

 

Funnily enough most of my good days happened in this decade we’re about to leave. But so did my worst. Which brings me to a round-up of the last ten years…. the highlights, and of course I must honour the low points too… they’ve brought me to this moment.

 

2010-2019

 

  1. I had a group of friends for the first couple of years of the decade. Those were the times I felt I belonged somewhere. We had some really good times together. My confidence grew as a result. I was ‘pool champion’. We spent a lot of time together.  I even tried karaoke! (Never again!!).
  2. I really got into my fossil hunting holidays and had some great finds.
  3. I met Westlife on their ‘last’ London show in 2012.
  4. I’ve since seen them reunite and was in the front row for their London show this year. The first time in the front row!
  5.  I went to France – saw Notre Dame, the Arc de Triomphe, Sacre Coeur, the Eiffel Tower etc.
  6. My brother got married.
  7.  I got to see my best friend get married & was her bridesmaid.
  8.  Also went through the experience of motherhood with her. Became Godmother to her two beautiful children and watched them grow … at least up until the ages of two and four. I was so proud of them. They were everything to me.
  9.  I tried out rollerskating, and discovered it’s not for me – I prefer to keep my feet on the ground. Still have an injury that flares up from falling over.
  10.  Saw the filming of Broadchurch whilst on a daytrip to West Bay.
  11. Saw Take That in my hometown this year, for the first time.
  12. Saw Boyzone a couple of times too – their last tour this year.
  13. Saw Little Mix near where I live.
  14. Shane Filan tours.
  15. Ben Montague gigs – especially fun having the studio gig with a group of us.
  16. The Band musical. Sound of Music. The Nutcracker / Swan Lake On Ice.
  17. Comedy shows – Michael McIntyre and Ross Noble being the best.
  18.  Did the Race For Life a couple of times.
  19.  A few charity events including DeChox for the British Heart Foundation, walking 50 miles in 50 days for Parkinson’s, and other events for this – where with the help of my dad’s colleagues one time, I managed to raise over £300 for Parkinson’s. Also did the Samarathon this year in memory of Liv, to try and raise money for Samaritans, but nobody sponsored me, so that’s a bad point really, but at least I thought to do it, and it motivated me to walk and to keep going in life… for a while.
  20.  Reduced my medication this year. Not a lot, but it’s a step forward.
  21. Went to the Harry Potter studio tour as a Christmas present. Great day.
  22.  My little boys – the gerbils… bonded with them and looked after them several times. Happy to handle animals more now.
  23. Started a blog!!
  24.  Got into politics! Even just this year alone, I went to the Leave Means Leave rally in Parliament Square – great day out – brilliant atmosphere – not at all how it was reported by biased media and lying Remainers. Oh yes, and I managed to not get hit by the moped undertaking traffic near the London Eye – that would’ve been a bad start to that day. I voted Brexit Party for the European elections… chose the Conservative leader and voted for them. Survived all the bullying and hate from the left and stuck by my beliefs. Good will win in the end. We’re on our way to all the wrongs being righted.
  25.  This year I taught myself to solve a Rubik’s Cube – and got my time down from over 15 minutes, to around 3 minutes.
  26. I learnt to make marmalade with my nan this year.
  27. I learnt to knit and got into cross-stitch.
  28.  I gave up chocolate for Lent a few years in a row.
  29.  Got over my fear of dogs, by befriending a Rottweiler!
  30.  Stepped out of my comfort zone, joining online dating site, met someone from there – wasn’t a match. Kissed a stranger at the new year one year… see it as a bad thing actually – it wasn’t a good thing – he was not my type, but just went with the atmosphere and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable with new situations. Regardless of these things I stuck to my morals and beliefs, and am happy with my relationship status going into 2020. Love will wait.
  31. I finally got over a guy who didn’t treat me right. Took too many years, but I got there!
  32.  Took part in poetry competitions and had my poems in some books. Was a rip-off so stopped eventually, but felt like an achievement at the time.
  33. Had a couple of wisdom teeth out under General Anaesthetic and got through the trauma of it.
  34. Phoned the Samaritans three times in the last two years. Was difficult to do.
  35. Asked for help and went to the hospital after self-harming at therapy. Sounds like a negative, but took a lot of courage to do it.
  36.  I finally got round to meeting Liv in person. ❤
  37.  The next time I did so, was of course tragic, but it held with it an achievement – I went all the way to Brighton on my own to the funeral… somewhere I’d never been, and I found my way to the crematorium just in time.
  38. Started volunteering in a charity shop – found a place to ‘belong’… may have lost that a bit in the last couple of years, and probably time to move on, but picked up some skills from doing it. Made me feel human.
  39. Sought help for my mental health – had CMHT assessment, was rejected and sent to Wellbeing Centre, but happy to jump through those hoops for now. Might be the only thing to save me.
  40.  I’ve booked up my tickets to see Westlife near where I live next year, and also at Wembley Stadium on my birthday too. Plus going to see Riverdance next year, and also Queen & Adam Lambert, which I’m looking forward to, as I’ve never seen them before.

 

 

This decade has certainly challenged me. It’s tested me in ways I could never have imagined. It was “character-building”.

There have been far too many negatives, but I’ll just name a few of them… I want the positives to take centre-stage.

 

  1. Had my life turned upside down by a compulsive liar.
  2.  Had my emotions messed about by a guy who was only interested in his ego.
  3.  Lost all of my friends – one betrayed me and took the guy I liked, one turned into a bully, one gave up on me when I was ill and grieving… though I’m starting to understand that situation more now.
  4.  Liv took her own life, five weeks before I was supposed to finally see her again.
  5. My granddad got ill and eventually passed away.
  6. Other family / family health issues that I won’t go into.
  7. A couple of pretty bad breakdowns – one in therapy, one in France, one this year.
  8.  My own health issues (but got treated for it successfully).
  9.  Another of my friends passed away in 2012, and two colleagues passed away this year from cancer.
  10.  I lost my Godchildren from my life.

 

 

These are just some of the worst aspects of the last decade. ‘Life’ really did happen to me  in these years. Most of the bad things and the lessons learnt from them happened in the last three years.

 

This year has been challenging. I am feeling pretty hopeless, despondent and broken at the moment. Today isn’t a good day. It never is for me. The thought of having my discussion group at the Wellbeing Centre this morning was all that got me through Christmas and made me think I could survive the New Year too. But they never responded or confirmed it was on today, so I didn’t go. The one day I really needed that branch of support and everyone else probably went to it, but nobody told me about it. So I now have to get through tonight, get through a whole other week before I can talk about how awful things are right now.

 

I’m triggered and reminded of my IAPT experiences, because they never responded to me either. They never did the things they said they would. So this year is ending on a negative note. A very negative one. I already have trust issues with mental health services. They’ve blown it already. Splitting on them now. I really needed their support today, and I just got forgotten instead. What a time for that to happen…

 

There’s nothing ‘new’ about the New Year. Things will never change for me. I’m always invisible. I’m always left out of the loop. My mind assumes why that is and that people don’t want me around. That I wasn’t told about the group today because they didn’t want me there. Mental health workers should be given better work phones as they don’t ever seem to work when I contact them. It’s ridiculous and they have no idea how much this has triggered me. My mind is too sick to recover, because even mental health services mess it up and feed into my paranoia and self-worth issues. I can’t win. So happy Tuesday people. Wednesday will be just the same as today. Please can this all be over now? I’m not strong enough for any of this.

 

Sorry, this ended up differently to where it started. Wrote the first part yesterday, but today has seriously messed me up. Going to take my emergency meds today / tonight and try to just survive it. Then I’ll either have it out with them or consider whether I want to put myself through all this heartache again.

 

If you can enjoy the New Year then do, but if you can’t then stay safe, and hopefully talk to you on the other side. A new decade. I hope yours will be better than mine looks to be. All the best xxxx

A Birthday Reflection.

As my birthday’s here I thought I’d take a minute to reflect on this last year of my life…. there have been some great moments in it, which I will talk about in a minute… but all those things are overshadowed by the negatives. This has without a doubt been one of the worst years of my life. I don’t want a birthday. It certainly won’t be a ‘happy’ one, let’s put it that way. I’d love to think that starting a new year of my life, I could begin again and have a better year going forward… sadly I don’t expect this to be the case.

I’m so isolated. I’ve lost my best friend, my Godchildren, my only other friend is dead, and so is my granddad. And looking back at who I used to be I feel nothing but disgust and shame, and longing to be a child again. I hate who I’ve become. Everything feels wildly out of control and unstable.

I remember after 2016 when members of my family were struck by various illnesses and my granddad was in hospital for six weeks, and almost died… at the New Year, thinking ‘This next year will be better… it has to be’… but I knew it wouldn’t be. I knew it would be the year my granddad would pass away. We’d watched him deteriorate for months. So there was the knowledge it would happen. In that way it could never be a ‘better year’. I thought 2018 could be a better one, but my granddad was still gone…. and people forgot. My friends neglected and abandoned me. I was abused online by left-wingers on three separate occasions. Had my voice shut down on every platform effectively. Fell out with my best friend. Was suicidal all year. Surely 2019 had to be better – I had so many fun things planned for this year…. no. The final betrayal and abandonment by my former best friend. And my other friend died by suicide. My mental health has smashed on the floor. My meltdowns are more public. I can’t control the demons inside anymore. I’m hanging on by a thread, living from event to event, wishing it all away… trying to get to the next goal and the next…. as though I’m trying to reach somewhere or something… only I don’t know what it is. An end??

So no… I don’t think this next year of my life will be better. If anything it will be purely about survival and recovery. It will be hard and lonely. No matter what good things may possibly be in store for me, nothing will change the fact my friend is dead and how broken and upset I am about that. Nothing will change the fact I’ve lost my best friend and my Godchildren. Nothing will change the fact my granddad isn’t here anymore. And nothing can change the past or make people care about me.

 

But anyway… in terms of what’s happened in the last year of my life…. it’s been the first year of my life where I haven’t seen the person I viewed as my best friend. This next one looks to be the first without even talking to them. But the events that have happened are:

  •  I had my last MRI & was discharged, & had my neurology appointment.
  • Was referred to CMHT, who initially rejected the referral, but saw me in January – directing me elsewhere first.
  • Westlife reunited and announced their tour!
  • Saw Dara O’Briain – wasn’t a great night due to my mental health & Brexit jokes.
  • Looked after the gerbils at least three times.
  • Went to the closing night of Take That musical ‘The Band’.
  •  Went and saw Boyzone on their farewell tour.
  • Went to the Leave Means Leave rally in London – great atmosphere.
  •  Walked 50 miles in 50 days for Parkinson’s UK.
  •  Went on my own to a new place – Brighton… for a heart-wrenching reason though.
  •  Went to see Take That for the first time – outdoor gig, close to B stage.
  •  Went and saw Westlife in the front row for the first time ever. Was amazing!
  •  Two of my colleagues lost their fight against that bastard, cancer.
  •  Samarathon  – 26.2 miles throughout July for Samaritans.

 

So a lot has happened…. good / bad. It’s interesting to look back at it like this… but it’s hard to feel anything about the good stuff. Like I said, it’s overshadowed by losing my two oldest friendships of 13+ years in the last few months, and the resulting grief. Being left with nothing is excruciating. I’m struggling to hold on. I’m so detached from life now and every minute that isn’t numbness, is pain. But I’m trying so hard.

I’m keeping to myself a lot more now, in the last couple of weeks. I’m hoping to set myself the goal of walking a marathon a month, to keep me active and better my mental health – I’ll be doing it purely for health reasons and that feeling of achievement, and not doing it for charity, as I failed to raise any money the last time, which negatively impacted on my mental health. It’ll just be for me. I’ll be focusing on getting the help I need, and looking into bereavement counselling. I’m also working on a new blog which will be more informative and helpful to others hopefully – less negative and personal. It’ll still be about my experience of mental illness, but hopefully more constructive than destructive.

My aim in the next year is to lose weight, to get well and to stay alive. Anything else is a plus. I hope to expect less of people and to accept I’m on my own, and to be able to cope with that reality better.

I’m looking forward to a holiday at some point, doing what I love most.

I may be turning a year older now, but I’m really only a day older. I’m still the same person. There are no miracles. I’m still dealing with the same stuff today that I was yesterday. Age is just a number, especially when you’re living from minute to minute, trying to hang on. Same sh*t different day and all that… the years spill over into each other. I have a lot to work on with myself… I need to find myself again and learn to like myself again. I have to do this alone. I know that now. And I’m going to try my best.

It may not be a ‘happy birthday’ but it’s just a day like any other. I think sometimes we can ruin ourselves by building these days up to be something they’re not, and thinking we have to act happy. I plan to tolerate it and carry on the fight on the other side. That fight is more important than just a day and a new age.

 

Hope people enjoy the long weekend coming up. Speak to you soon.

 

xxxx

 

 

 

 

Letter: I Did It For You.

Dear Liv,

 

So I did it. I went to see Westlife, without you here. A month ago I couldn’t have imagined going, not after losing you. I was fortunate to have a wonderful person and good friend step up and agree to come with me in your place. She was just the right person to go with. She turned something tragic and heartbreaking into something fun and uplifting.

 

Yes of course I was sad. I had my moments where my chest ached because you weren’t there watching them with me. But I really tried to make the most of it and enjoy it… for you. I hoped you’d be proud of me for going and enjoying it. I have never been as absorbed in anything before…. I was so into it that I almost completely forgot there was anyone else behind us. It was like our own private show. If I annoyed anyone behind me, or if anyone was judging me, I just didn’t care.

 

I sang, I ‘woo’-ed, I laughed until my cheeks hurt. I took way too many photos – I wish you could see them, you’d love them! Nicky was looking at me and I waved at him – he gave me a nod and smile – and I have someone to back me up on that this time! Nicky is my favourite – it’s decided… he’s the only one who’s ever acknowledged me out of the four of them. They all looked and sounded so great – even better than the last time we saw them.

The O2 has changed a lot…. there’s a shopping centre upstairs! The place we met before was no longer there. They have a dedicated merchandise zone. It’s all different. The checks were more formal.

 

We were stuck in a lot of traffic so we were running late. We were in the toilet queue with 15 minutes until Westlife came on – we missed the support acts… I don’t mind. I hate having to sit through things like that and pretend to appreciate it! We only just made it really. It was unbelievable being in the front row…. being that close to the stage. Knowing that in just a few minutes they’d be in front of us. I think turning up late was good in a way…. it stopped me having too long to really think about the fact you weren’t there. We kind of just went straight into the excitement and enjoying it.

 

I won’t say much about the show – I hope you were there with me, watching from wherever you are now… so I hope I don’t need to tell you. The medley was brilliant wasn’t it? The boys really seemed to enjoy it a lot more than in the past. I got utterly covered in confetti… as did my drink – couldn’t drink it as it got filled with little squares of paper! Money wasted! And the flames – so hot!! Did you see the Westlife babies…. the kids…. sat in front of us near the end, playing with the confetti? We think it might’ve been Nicole sat in front of me.

 

It was a special night. A bit of a blur – sometimes it didn’t feel real. There were moments I couldn’t take it all in. Times I let go and had fun. Times I held on to the locket and remembered you, saying I wish you were here. It all went too fast.

 

I had such an amazing night. I didn’t cry. I didn’t get home until 3am…. and didn’t get to sleep until 5am. I could hear birds singing outside… through the ringing in my ears. By this time the thoughts of you were creeping in, and the sadness. Looking at photos and videos… thinking you were meant to be there too. I had to go to sleep at that point, to stop this great night becoming something upsetting.

 

I miss you Liv. I wish you were still here. I miss having you to talk to about the show. If I share any photos etc. you aren’t here to comment on them or chat about it. That’s just the immediate impact of you being gone. When the hype about it all dies down, there are much bigger reasons I’m devastated you’re not here. You weren’t just about Westlife for me. You were my friend for over twelve years. You were my biggest cheerleader and my rock. That’s a much bigger loss than just not having someone to go to a concert with.

 

But I guess right now the main thing was getting through last night. I didn’t think I’d be able to. The last few weeks have been nothing but stress, on top of the crushing grief, of having to find someone to go with.

 

It turned out alright in the end. I went with someone I wanted to go with. Through the grief, the trauma, and also in the face of losing my best friend from my life, I went to see our boys, and I had the most fun I’ve ever had at a gig.

 

What happens after last night I don’t know. Today hasn’t been a good day. I won’t go into that here. I feel quite flat and down. Emotional. Delicate. Rejected. And like people don’t realise how big a deal yesterday was to me. The biggest thing of this year is over. The reason I had to keep going is over. It will be hard to continue on with life now. But I hope the good memories from last night will help a little on the difficult journey forwards. I hope you were with us. I hope you saw the show. I hope you saw me fight to be happy. And I hope I made you proud.

 

I hope you’re at peace now, wherever you are, my lovely friend. I miss you xxxx

The Good In The Worst Year.

2017 (1)

 

2017 has been the worst year of my life. If you’ve read my blog you’ll know some of the challenges I’ve faced, the heartaches, the trauma. It’s been a massive struggle to get through it all, and at times I’m surprised I’m still here. What with the loss of a loved one, family health scares, big family fallout, friendship issues, therapy / transference issues and abandonment, my own worsening mental health which landed me at the MIU a couple of times in the last few weeks or so.

It’s been a battle… one I haven’t won yet. In fact I’m close to surrendering, waving the white flag and giving up on life. But so far I’m still fighting. And I thought I’d list the positives from the year… either things I enjoyed, achieved or got through. I suggest you come up with a list like this too, to show that even in the darkest nights there’s a little light to be seen.
I’m sure there’s more, but here’s what I came up with:

Good Things About 2017

  • I’ve spoken out about mental health more, which helps me and hopefully others too.
  • Did a 5k raising over £300 for Parkinson’s UK in memory of my granddad.
  • Gave up Chocolate for Lent / March “Dechox” raised £80 for the British Heart Foundation.
  • Ben Montague studio gig – Ben is a great musician and lovely guy, you should check him out…. was a great gig – and met two of my Facebook friends finally!
  • Seeing The Band musical. A really great show!
  • Looking after my brother’s place while he was away – gave me a much needed break – and got to catch up with a friend who lived nearby.
  • Built more confidence serving customers at work. Long way to go, but progress!
  • Went to Charmouth for the day.
  • Went to the doctor about several issues I had put off for months / years. And had tests done. Very daunting, but got through it.
  • Reached out for help from mental health services (even if it didn’t go well, reaching out was a big step).
  • Phoned Samaritans for the first time, when in despair. A big deal for me with a fear of using the phone.
  • Managed to sell a ticket I didn’t want anymore – figured it out by myself.
  • Cancelled a booking and got a refund on the phone – nerve-wracking!
  • Couple of gigs.
  • Went to fireworks with my Goddaughter for her first fireworks display.
  • Successfully babysat both of the kids at the same time, for the first time!
  • Harry Potter Studio Tour!!
  • Went to the zoo with my Godson.
  • Came off Cabergoline (so far so good!)
  • Finally got over someone who was no good for me.
  • Created a crisis box.
  • Made new friends from therapy.
  • Persevered with my therapy group, determined to see it through to the end. Despite major issues and times I wanted to quit, I didn’t.
  • Got back into writing poetry.
  • Tweeting about BPD connected me to many people on Twitter, who I’ve had interesting conversations with, and hope to continue next year.
  • Had over a thousand views on my blog – over 800 viewers this year. Reaching UK, USA, Germany, India, Australia, Canada, South Africa, Ireland, Russia, Ukraine, Brazil, Austria, Bermuda, Vietnam, Israel, Hong Kong SAR China, Bangladesh, Singapore, Serbia, Paraguay, Turkey, Argentina, United Arab Emirates, Indonesia, Malaysia, Philippines, Denmark, Belgium, Trinidad & Tobago, Japan, New Zealand, Sweden, Romania, Nepal, Slovakia, Switzerland, Pakistan, Iraq, Georgia, Mozambique, South Korea, Hungary, Cambodia, Iceland, and any other who may have appeared since writing this……. Hello to all of you from all around the world – thank you for taking the time to read my posts. I really am a blog nerd, and love seeing where you’re all from!
  • And last but by no means least…. the most important achievement this year….

I survived!