A Life Saved… For Now.

a life saved...

 

 

*Suicide theme*

 

 

The other night I was left with no other choice but to phone the Samaritans, for the third time in my life. It was past 1am again, I was at breaking point… the emotions were too strong I actually felt I would explode – obviously I wouldn’t have, but that’s the point where things are most dangerous for people like me…. that’s often why we engage in destructive coping mechanisms, to try and bring the emotions down, for fear of what will happen if we don’t.

 

I don’t know what would have happened if I didn’t call them. All I know is I sat with the phone number in my phone for about twenty minutes, hesitating… talking myself out of it and then back into it by letting my feelings in. All the other possible coping strategies were whizzing around my mind and I realised none of them would work. It was basically phone the Samaritans or end it somehow.

 

As usual I didn’t know what to say at first, but I told them how alone I feel. I told them about losing my best friend because of my illness. I told them about losing my only other friend to suicide. And then I broke down.

 

She said how sorry she was about that. She then very quickly asked if I had contemplated suicide myself. And it’s the first time I’ve been completely honest about my feelings and intentions. I straight away said yes. I was still in tears, so I don’t remember everything said, but I told her how suicidal I felt before losing my friend six months ago and that now it’s all I think about. She asked if I had a plan. I said not a plan as such, but that I’m looking at ways to do it…. that I’m closer to having a plan than I’ve ever been before.

 

At one point she asked something about in three years time can I see it being better…. I was honest and told her I can’t see me being here by then. I don’t think I’ll be here in a year. I didn’t tell her I can’t even see me having another Christmas, but that might just be my immediate feelings anyway. I am struggling with the thought of Christmas this year.

 

When I talked about my grief, she pointed me in the direction of help for that. She also said that people who lose someone to suicide are at a higher risk of taking their own lives too. I was already aware of this – that’s why I’ve needed people to support me in the aftermath, as I was already suicidal and my mental illness puts me at a higher risk of suicide anyway, without adding the effects of losing someone to it.  She also said that the grief associated with a suicide is totally different to ‘normal’ grief, in that it’s more complex. Again I knew that. But it was helpful to hear it said by someone else…. it was validating of what I was experiencing. I wish the people in my life were aware of all this and could do more to help me. Maybe I wouldn’t have got to the point I had to choose between this phone call and death.

 

At one point I was talking about the anger I felt at my friend. I said it wasn’t hateful anger…. just anger at the situation I guess. She then said something very insightful and true…. she asked if perhaps I envied my friend. And I said yes. I said I wish I could’ve gone with her.

 

I have never been that honest about suicidal feelings… for fear of what would happen as a result. But these people are very respectful. She even said to me that they want me to stay alive, but it’s my decision what to do with my life, and they’ll have my back whatever I decide. Even at the lowest point if I should reach that moment, I can still have them on the end of the phone. That made everything feel very real…. like there really is the possibility I will end it in the not too distant future. It scared me. But I liked how they weren’t forcing me to stay…. there was no judgement whatsoever. She said she was pleased I made the call.

 

I have never been that honest about suicidal feelings... for fear of what would happen as a result. But these people are very respectful. She even said to me that they want me to stay alive, but it

 

 

We talked about how my family would feel if I ended it. I explained they’re the only reason I’m still here. But I told her I almost resent them for it, and I feel trapped…. because I have to stay alive in order to not hurt them…. but it means me living in pain and a world I just can’t survive in. She said I need more reasons to live than that… otherwise it would cause me to resent the only people I have left and could make things worse in the end….

 

I talked about my Godchildren and how they used to be a reason for me to live. She wondered if I could be enough of a reason myself …  I said no. I told her how much I hate myself… and how losing my best friend, along with everything else that’s happened, has completely dragged my self-worth through the floor. I don’t currently see myself as worth continuing to live for.

 

She asked if I hadn’t lost these people from my life would I be considering ending my life right now… I said probably not as much, no. I said if my best friend hadn’t abandoned me, she could have supported me through the suicide of my other friend, and I could’ve survived it. And if that friend had not taken her life, I would have a friend now…. everything would be different…. I wouldn’t be this alone. The reality is it’s these two major losses in the space of a couple of months…. my two longest friendships of 13+ years…. gone… leaving me with nothing and nobody. That’s what has ruined me and brought me to this point of suicidality. Everything would be different, and I’d be able to live if both or even just one of these things hadn’t happened. That’s why after my friend’s death I reached out to my former best friend, as I wanted that resolved… I wanted her support and friendship…. I couldn’t cope with both things – even hours after hearing the news I had to not have both losses. She texted me a couple of times with support, but then disappeared and I’ve not heard from her in six months. That was it. I had to face both losses, even though I couldn’t. I didn’t have a choice. She didn’t want our friendship back. A traumatic loss and me being left alone to cope with it, feeling suicidal myself, was not enough reason for her to care and fix things with me. It’s how little she cared, that she could wash her hands of me so coldly. That’s what damaged me. It’s taken an already complex kind of grief and complicated it even further. My friend’s suicide gave me that feeling of how stupid it is to not be friends with my former best friend – that life is too short to hold grudges…. I honestly felt we should and could sort it out at that point. I wanted to let it all go, as some things mattered more. Now I feel more rejected than ever…. it was at least the third time I’d tried to open the door again, and had it slammed in my face. I’m a glutton for punishment. I get the message she’s done with me now, for good. She’s too busy being friends with the person who hurt me before and came between us three years ago…. Anyway….

 

We talked about grief and mental illness and how people struggle to empathise if they’ve not been there… and how they can be afraid of saying the wrong thing, so they leave it alone and say nothing at all. I told her I wish they’d just say something, like ‘I hope you’re okay’…. ‘How are you?’ … ‘Thinking of you’…. something to make me feel I’m not invisible.

 

We talked about my mental health – how long I’ve been struggling. I said 18 years…. I went on to explain the reasons it went downhill in the last couple of years. I said I’m the worst I’ve ever been. When I was a teenager things were bad, but I didn’t have real problems – I said I don’t know what my problem was back then…. she said something like ‘teenager’s prerogative’ – she gave me a couple of moments of humour to pick me up a bit.

 

We talked for 48 minutes… the longest call to them I’ve ever had. It didn’t feel like 48 minutes. Time goes quicker in the middle of the night though! I told her that although it didn’t fix everything – it doesn’t change how things are – it made me feel less alone in that moment.

 

I got through that night without hurting myself or worse. I also didn’t have to use my emergency medication. I just made the right choices for once in my life. I’m still struggling. The night times are the worst. Hopefully if it happens again I’ll make that call again. Things really aren’t okay at all right now. The feelings that led to me needing to make the call, they are still there right now…. I have to contain them as much as I can. But it’s very difficult. One person could do something to end all this pain and trauma for me. But they don’t care. They never did and never will. They’ve moved on. They are responsible for where I am now and what happens to me. They broke my spirit. And the only people I have left to try and save my life are the Samaritans.

 

I don’t even know the name of the woman I spoke to that night. But I truly thank her for giving her time to just listen and support. Two things other people just wouldn’t give me. This total stranger answered the phone in the middle of the night and talked to me, about all the things I’ve needed to talk about for the last six or so months. Whatever happens in the future she helped me so much that night, and I can’t repay her for what she did. The Samaritans are like angels – we just have to call out to them when we need them.

 

 

The Samaritans are like angels - we just have to call out to them when we need them.

Poem: Is This Hell?

 

Am I dead?
Have I departed this life already?
And rather than a ghost that haunts,
I myself am haunted…
Haunted by all I’ve lost, who I was, all who left.
Have I died, or is that yet to come
In some swift act of self-inflicted violence…?
Is this how I die… alone, unloved and in silence?
Can you see me, or see right through me?
Do these words even exist?
If I am dead, then I know for certain I am not missed.
Nobody noticed I wasn’t there.
Nobody cares.
They never would.
Can a ghost feel pain in their chest,
And a never-ending sense of unrest?
Is this Hell, or purgatory?
Am I yet to discover my destination?
Where do broken souls go?
The ones who never found peace in life
And chose death in its place….
Do we linger like this in time and space?
Nowhere to go and can’t move on…
Am I really dead and gone?
Is this all a dream?
Some altered state of reality from which I cannot awaken…
How else could so much have been taken
From my life?
Savagely cut from me with the bluntest of knives.
The Faceless People watching by as my world burns to dust.
Broken heart, broken trust.
They came to watch the show,
Lining up to see me go –
No goodbyes,
Only quiet disdain
For the girl who went insane
From too much trauma and pain…
Their backs were the last thing these haunted eyes would see.
If I am dead, then why can’t I be free?
Free to journey through the stars;
Reunited with loved ones, wherever they are…
This isn’t where I’m meant to be –
Bound to a world where no-one sees me.
If this indeed is purgatory, then Lord let me rise
To the sky and be by their side.
If that’s a place I do not belong,
Then have mercy on me, cast me into Hell… let me drop,
And let this ‘life’ be over….. please make it stop.

 

 

 

Ripped Away.

*Suicide trigger*

 

 

 

This is one of the lowest points of my life. There have been many ups and downs, which so far I’ve managed to negotiate and struggle through. It’s different this time.

 

I’ve pulled myself out of dark places in the past… but I always had a reason to. I always had someone to help me… I’m talking about people outside of the family. When people hurt me or ditched me in the past, I always had someone who really seemed to have my back.  But now I don’t. I’ve had two major losses this year. Losing my best friend for God knows what reason – as far as I can tell, it’s because of my mental illness. And the other rock of mine, taking her life. I knew them both a couple of years off half my life. Now there’s nothing. I’m invisible. I don’t exist. I’ve lost those who I thought cared about me. I’ve lost my Godchildren. I’ve lost who I was.

 

I have no purpose. I have no reason to live. I have nothing to pull me through. When I lost my group of ‘friends’ in 2012, I still had my best friend. Now I’ve lost her, and I don’t understand why…. and I have nobody to help me with that. Liv’s gone.

 

I’m finding that hard to deal with today. The reality that she’s gone. And I should’ve done something to help her. I didn’t know things were that bad. I didn’t see her calling out for help. I was too wrapped up in my own hell. I should’ve been there for her. I let her down. Now I’ll never get the chance to make up for that. Because she’s not coming back. I have to live with the guilt of this forever. I have to live with the fact that I never got to see her again.

 

I’ve come out of darker times, to slightly less dark times before – I’m not sure I’ve ever fully seen the light again. But I’ve made progress. But this time I have to face it alone. And I’m having to pull myself out of places so dark I can’t even describe them. There are no words anymore. Nothing does the pain justice. Even the word ‘pain’ is inadequate. ‘Broken’ is inadequate. Any word to describe my emotions right now can’t come close to the level of what I feel. I feel, yet I don’t feel at the same time. I don’t feel real.

 

I’m praying for my heart to actually stop beating. To fully break and never work again. I want to wake up from this nightmare. The reason I can’t recover from this now is because I’ve seen too much of hell in the last two or three years…. I can’t un-see that. I live in a different world now. I don’t know anything anymore. And I have no anchor. I have no friends. I don’t have my rocks anymore. I am beyond lost. I am floating, and feel sick from the motion. I want my mind to break. I need to hit rock bottom now. I need to stop functioning. I need to stop thinking and feeling and hurting. I need it all to stop.

 

This can’t be my life. It isn’t fair.  I was someone who only wanted someone to love and to love me in return…. I got played, to the point I don’t believe in love anymore. I wanted friends, having grown up without any. They all destroyed me. I just wanted to not lose my best friend… I thought she deserved better than me, and was happier without me… I thought I was being replaced…. I didn’t want to burden her with my illness…..  I lost her…. she obviously agreed….. she is happier without me…. I was replaced…. and I clearly did burden her. I just wanted the love and support of my friends to help me through my grief and breakdown…. I got neglected and abandoned instead. The one person keeping me alive after all of that, ended her own life…. when I was feeling suicidal myself. And nobody is there for me through it. I’m constantly crying out for help. I don’t exist to anyone. I’m dead. And I’m just a burden to others.

 

All I’ve ever wanted was people to care and to love me… and to let me care about and love them. I’ve wanted people to not give up on me and leave me. And that’s all they’ve done. I wanted to matter, and I don’t. I wanted to be a priority for once. I never will be.

 

All I know is pain. Sadness. Loneliness. Abandonment. Betrayal. There is no happiness. No peace. No hope. I have nothing now. The world is so quiet, yet it goes on around me as though I’m not here.  But I feel distant. I feel dazed and in my own world, where all that exist are my thoughts and the hollowness in my chest, and the sick feeling in my stomach, and the tightening of my throat, and the tears in my eyes. And I sit here and pray for life to stop. Why can’t I just ‘give up’ on living and my heart just stops by me just willing it to? That’s what I want. I have no fight left in me.

 

I can see no recovery, because everything I thought was going to be in my future, has been ripped away from me this year. In the past I’ve at least been left with something… but I really have nothing.

 

There is nothing good about my life. I’ve achieved the grand total of nothing. I have no legacy to leave behind…. not like Liv. She did so much good, and she was so loved. I’m nothing and nobody.

 

I’ve started rationalising doing what Liv did. I’ve started telling myself I know it would hurt my family…. but a part of that would be for the future that is lost with me….. for all I could’ve been and done and had…. but that’s never going to happen anyway. I’m never going to have the life I wanted. I’m never going to find someone to love me, and have children with. I’m never going to be successful and make anyone proud. There’s no big loss…… in fact it would just ease the burden on everyone, to not have to worry about and care for me.

 

I’ve really never felt this low, and I’m completely isolated through it. I’ve been left in the dark. And that’s all there is. And all there ever will be now. ‘Who cares if one more light goes out?’ … this one wouldn’t be missed.

 

My mind has given up. My body is giving up. I feel paralysed, like I’m sprawled out on the floor, shattered, and can’t move, with the weight of everything bearing down on me. But time keeps ticking and my damn heart keeps beating. I can and often do stop the clock from ticking by taking the batteries out…. if only I could do the same with my heart. Either way, life goes on. And that’s the cruellest thing about life, for the grieving and the mentally ill…. life goes on, around us…. we’re left alone, living in pain for a lifetime, because nobody is really with us through everything. Nobody can understand how we feel.

 

The only thing that could’ve helped me was to have people step up and throw everything into helping me … caring…. worrying…. helping me see a glimmer of light again…. but there’s nobody to do that now. It’s silence. It’s black. It’s dead. I’m floating in the vacuum of space. And nobody can hear my screams.

 

 

I’m A Ghost, Waiting For Death.

*Swearing*

 

 

Hello? Is anybody there? Am I even here? That’s how I feel now. I’ve always felt a deep sense of loneliness… it comes with the territory of having an illness most people could never understand. It comes with growing up without friends – socially isolated… bullied. It comes from never being loved or having someone to love. It comes with being abandoned by everyone you ever trusted.

But the loneliness I feel now is extreme. I want to scream because of how isolated and invisible I feel. I want to end my life because I don’t exist to anyone else anyway so what’s the difference? I feel frustrated and powerless. I can’t get anyone to notice me…. to care…. to talk to me. Nobody will put in effort for me, and there’s nothing I can do to get them to do that.

I started thinking about all these times I’ve done charity walks etc. and asked for sponsorship…. only two of my friends have ever sponsored me for anything. One was my friend who abandoned me this year. The other was my friend who took her life. So there’s nobody now. So why the hell I decided to do these events when I’m not going to raise any money for charity I really don’t know. And now I’ve signed up for the damn Race For Life next year too, in memory of two of my colleagues who passed away a couple of weeks ago to cancer. Who’s going to sponsor me?? Exactly. Nobody. I’ll have to sponsor myself! That or pull out. I’m doing a walk for Samaritans at the moment in memory of my friend who ended her life. I really thought people might sponsor me, as they knew and loved Liv. I thought they’d do it for her if not for me. I thought she mattered to people. I know I don’t. But I thought she did. I’ve not had a single sponsorship. And it’s impossible for me to get any. I keep asking, but nobody even talks to me anymore, let alone would sponsor me. I’m over halfway through this challenge, and I’m thinking what is the bloody point? Why the hell am I doing this? I’ve raised no money. It’s not making me feel better in terms of my own mental health – it’s making me feel worse because I feel utterly invisible. Which makes me feel so upset that Liv isn’t here, as she was the only one who ever made me feel like I wasn’t invisible. Feeling invisible is the one thing that makes me feel suicidal the most. I’m not an attention-seeker. I don’t crave the limelight. Not at all. But do you know how it feels to go through life ignored, avoided, as though you don’t exist? Nobody should have to feel that way.

It’s like when people didn’t sponsor me for a couple of events that were in memory of my granddad…. I took that personally… it felt like they didn’t recognise his worth… that they didn’t care how I felt, and about my grief – add to that nobody being there for the anniversary date. It felt like they didn’t acknowledge what he meant to me, and this tribute to him. It felt like a snub to him …  like they were saying he was nothing. That really hurt me. So I’m feeling the same now. I’m feeling like people have forgotten Liv, the friendship I had with her, the grief I feel, and they’re not supporting me or acknowledging her worth or my tribute to her. I’m going to have to sponsor myself!

It’s making me feel so painfully alone and despondent. I just want to give up. Not just on these stupid charity events I do (which I only do as a sign of my love for those I’ve lost, and to help me with my grief – but it doesn’t help when nobody cares enough to sponsor you!)… but also giving up on life… on people… on everything.

I am NEVER going to matter to anyone. I am going to be this alone forever. I have nobody now. And I don’t care if acquaintances take offence at that anymore. I don’t have close friends, it’s a fact. I have the odd person who will occasionally ‘like’ or comment on something on Facebook. Other than that I don’t exist in their worlds. I can give care and concern to others, even whilst in deep shit myself, and that goes ignored too – it’s as if I said nothing…. I can reach out and say I’m not feeling good…. it’s ignored….. I’m ignored all the time. All the times suggestions were made to meet up… didn’t materialise. Even the person I met at a gig, we said we’d look for each other online… never happened. Obviously didn’t want to know me. I’m irrelevant. I’m nothing. And the one person who would read that and tell me I’m not nothing, is gone. And nobody gives a damn that she’s gone and that I’m alone now, and can’t cope with this pain.

I feel alone. I feel friendless…. because I have nobody stepping up to be my friend. This is how I felt all last year, and instead of understanding that I felt I didn’t have friends because of how they were treating me, my best friend interpreted it as me saying I didn’t want her as a friend anymore. THIS IS HOW FUCKED UP MY WORLD IS!

I’m not coping with the fact she abandoned me based on choices she made as a result of that misinterpretation. I was alone. I was grieving. I was having a breakdown. She interpreted things wrongly and neglected me as a result. Then when I reached out from my bubble of isolation, to explain how I felt, she took it as an attack and took a swipe back at me, hurting me at a time I just needed her love, support and friendship. I then put in effort to make amends with her when it should’ve been the other way round all fucking year… and she snubbed me. She then couldn’t decide if she wanted to sort things out with me or not, so I had to take a step back for my mental health until she could decide. She didn’t seem to like this, blocked me, removed herself from my group, added the ‘friend’ who bullied me and drove a wedge in our friendship three years ago, unblocked me to show support when I lost Liv, but re-blocked me when I showed doubt – because I was scared she would hurt me again, at a time I couldn’t deal with it. But her blocking me a day after I found out about Liv, caused me a lot of hurt. So I had to deal with it anyway!

And now I’m struggling to live in this reality. Because it feels so surreal. The one person who inspired me to keep on fighting, writing, and to not end my life, ended her life. That can’t be undone. I’m left to grieve her totally alone with so many unanswered questions, as to how, why, could I have done something? Did she suffer? Did she regret it? Did she really want to die? The person I need to talk to about all this is Liv. I can’t. I never will again. This is reality.

My best friend is now a stranger. She blocked me so I can’t contact her. She’s moved house… I don’t know where to. I can’t write to her. It’s like she’s cutting me off slowly. I can’t believe this is where we are. I’ve not seen her in over a year. I’ve not seen my Godchildren in 18 months. This is reality.

Life has changed so much. In some ways I have too, but not really…. I’ve had to because I have nobody left to care… I have nobody to remind me of who I am. I’m hardening up…. closing off. But I’m still me, and I desperately need friends. But I need friends who actively want me in their lives. It may seem like I don’t put in effort for other people, but that’s because there was a time I did nothing but put in effort for other people, and I never saw an ounce of it back. I was taken for granted. I was used. I was unappreciated. There were unbalanced and unequal friendships / relationships, my trust was broken, I was let down too many times… it has an effect. Eventually you stop trying for other people and you need them to try for you. The last couple of years have been like that for me. Except everyone’s refused to step up and put that effort in for me. So I have to accept loneliness, because I’m clearly worthless. I’m unable to put in the effort myself at the moment, for a couple of reasons – one is what I just said, that I am sick of being taken for granted, putting in effort and being the only one to care… but also because of all the loss I’ve had lately. The grief. Isolating and depression are part of grief. You need others to reach out to you and suggest a coffee, a walk, active help. But the trouble is I don’t have any friends who like me enough to do that. If I do they don’t live anywhere near me. But even just talking to me, asking after me, making me feel visible…. they could do this, but rarely do. I think I might as well come offline. I go on so that I don’t feel as alone as I am… and end up feeling even worse. It feels like all my attempts to connect to others and feel less alone… they always backfire and I end up feeling I’m not even real.

It’s just this thing that I think if I was anyone else people would bend over backwards to support me, to care, to spend time with me. But it’s me. And I don’t matter. I’m an awful person, so nobody wants to talk to me. I’ve felt this way for so long now, that if anyone talks to me now, I think ‘What’s wrong with you?’, ‘Why are you talking to me?’ ‘What are your ulterior motives?’… It’s like on the first anniversary of my first loss. The only person who said anything to me was Liv. Everyone else ignored my posts about it. Nobody reached out saying ‘thinking of you today x’ or anything like it… not even my best friend! Whereas when other people post about their losses / anniversary dates they get the support… loads of it. I guess it’s my fault for not having hundreds of ‘friends’… I choose the ones who I would think of as actual friends… the people I could trust.  The ones I care about. The ones I hope would care about me and not judge me. So I don’t have a wide range of people to talk to. So that would reduce the amount of support I could get. But how hard is it to make someone feel visible every now and then? Really…?

That’s why it has to be me. It has to be something fundamentally wrong with me as a person. People don’t like me. They might not hate me – they’d have to have once cared about me in order to have enough energy to hate me. I’m just nothing.

Adam ghosted me like I was nothing.
Evan strung me along like I was nothing.
Joe treated me like I was less than nothing.
Sam let me go like I was nothing.
Hannah treated me like I was a ‘negative’ blob of nothing.
Gill stabbed me in the back like our friendship, and I was nothing.
Lou turned her back on me like I was nothing.

Everyone else stays silent in the face of my pain, my grief, my loneliness, my loss… they ignore my desperate pleas for help…. as if I’m nothing. 

I have been conditioned over the last ten years to believe I am nothing. Now the one person who ever challenged that thought for me abandoned me when she left this world. And I have nobody to talk to about that loss. My best fucking friend isn’t here to support me through the worst thing that’s ever happened. Because she decided to hurt and abandon me in the lead-up to it happening. Just like she did in 2016 before my granddad got sick… and 2017 when he passed away. Her actions are so tied up in my feelings of grief, I find it hard to grieve either of my losses without feeling angry at her. She should be here, being my friend. She should’ve apologised and at least tried to make things better between us, not just given up…. as though I’m nothing.

Why world? Why are you all so intent on breaking me? Why do you keep trying to make me feel like I’m nothing and the world wouldn’t even notice if I wasn’t here anymore? I’ve got that message, okay… I got that message years ago…..you don’t have to keep on.

I just wish people in my life would understand that this is how I feel… I feel I don’t exist, I shouldn’t exist, nobody cares, I’m worthless, I’m nothing…. this is what is behind every thought, word and action in my life. I wish they’d stop being offended by me saying how lonely I feel and how I don’t have friends. If people want me to stop saying that then maybe they could start acting like friends, and stop treating me as though I’m invisible. One day I will be, and they’ll wish they’d done more to show me I wasn’t as worthless as they all made me believe I was.

I’m not in a good place at all mentally anymore. I can’t even see ‘recovery’ anymore. There’s no chance of that whilst feeling so isolated and having so much pain and loss to contend with. The world has destroyed me and I’m finding it hard to want to live in it anymore. Every reason I had to live is being taken from me one by one…. I’d hoped doing these charity walks would give me some reason to keep going…. now they’re just highlighting how alone and unimportant I am. I am a ghost, drifting around in hell. This is reality. And nothing can change my reality. Not anymore.

 

 

 

 

Poem: Hell On Earth.

Hell On Earth

*Sorry about the length / quality of this poem…. been many, many months since I wrote any poetry, so rather rusty and had a lot to get out*
*Rare for me, but the use of a swear word in this one, and also violent imagery, mention of self-harm / suicidal feelings etc…. i.e. not a happy poem!!*

 
Hell On Earth

I’m trapped within a blind scream,
Starved of oxygen,
A sense of direction,
A place of safety.
The knives in my back twisting with every tumble
Through the unknown.
I try to pull them out, but they’re lodged right down to the bone.
Frightened, alone,
I pray to hit the ground and know peace…
The peace of Heaven.
This world is beyond my darkest nightmares,
A Hell on Earth.
A walk so uncertain and so full of pain;
For years I have soldiered on… now it feels it was all in vain.
Anyone I once called ‘my rock’, is dead or gone –
Giving up on me, or giving up on themselves
And taking the step into darkness,
In the quest to find the light once more.
Some left this Earth, others still walk it,
In blissful ignorance of the damage they caused.
Burning violence courses through my veins… but stays contained within.
The only time it ever shows is when I slice into my own skin.
Pain is the one thing I can control, in this fiery Hell.
I can’t make them love me.
I can’t make them stay.
I can’t make them treat me well and not walk away.
People are uncertainty, pain, danger.
Any moment they can let you go, leave you for dead,
Scarring you with their words and those left unsaid.
There’s nobody left…
Nothing….
I’m merely an empty shell,
A crazy girl in a prison cell,
A crippled mute down a deep, abandoned well.
No-one can hear my screams,
They never hit the air.
I cannot escape… I need help but there’s nobody there.
All I needed was someone to care,
To venture out on a limb,
Wear their heart on their sleeve and show me a little light,
But they turned their backs, strode away,
Gifting me the pitch-blackness of night.
The inner scream is torment… deafening.
I rip my own face in two to set it free
And destroy the universe with its power.
Every ‘rock’ from my past who walked away,
Threw me to the gutter, spat at me,
And stomped on my heart,
You belong in this Hell I’m living.
Fuck you, and all those who say I should be forgiving.
You are the ones deserving of suffering.
Yet here I lie, flattened against the wall,
Melting into oblivion,
My words of affection splattered next to me, rejected,
A stain of a memory of who I used to be,
You fractured my spirit until I no longer resemble me.
You made your choice,
You stole my voice,
Bound my hands,
Stabbed my heart,
Slit my wrists,
Made it intensely unbearable to exist,
Left me to die a bloody death all alone.
I wish I had a heart made of stone,
Just like you all, then maybe I could live,
Cope with the torture of breathing, in a world such as this.
Hard, raw, vivid, painful, terrifying in its reality.
Nothing is safe.
Everyone’s dying,
And nobody will care when I do.
They’ll celebrate my demise,
If they even notice at all, having severed all ties.
Neglected by the living,
Abandoned by the dead,
In order to survive I’ve cried, I’ve screamed, I’ve bled.
My knuckles bruised, my skin scarred and red,
Living is too hard.
The instability of life,
The accumulation of knives in my spine,
The loneliness, the trauma, the loss…
I’ve nothing left,
You killed me.
Leaving me, with no goodbye,
Now take your seat and watch me die.

 

 

Completely Alone.

*Language / suicide / honesty*

 

The stark reality is this….. NOBODY CARES.

 

I could fall off the face of the planet and nobody would notice, let alone be sad about it. Heck, I could speak out online about how suicidal I feel… I could tell the world I’m about to end it, and all I’ll be met with is silence.

 

People say to reach out to someone when you need help. That’s okay… if you’re not me. But if you’re me then nobody cares enough to say anything in response. Nobody values me or my life. Nobody would miss me. I am invisible to the world… even the ‘mental health community’ who rally round each other – I’m the outsider as I always have been everywhere I go. I don’t know what it is about me but people just do not give a shit. Whenever I’ve reached out and been honest about my mental health or the grief I’m feeling about Liv, and how utterly alone I feel….. silence. That’s all there is. I don’t exist.

 

When I first experienced grief two years ago, people were there in the short-term. But when my full grief kicked in, after the effects of medication wore off…. nobody there. My best friend abandoned me at the worst time of my life. And now I need her more than I ever have needed anyone, and she doesn’t give a shit. She texted me which is nice, but that’s all. Now without her and without Liv, I genuinely have nobody who cares whether I live or die, other than family. I have a great big gaping hole in my heart, and my life, and nobody to support me through that.

 

I am alone in grief. I am alone in life. I’ll be alone in death. I have to deal with my grief alone. While others are talking to each other and grieving together, I don’t exist. People ignore my existence. It’s like she never mattered to me or I never mattered to her. I’m left to fend for myself. I don’t even know if I’ve missed the funeral. I’m so out of the loop. And having to deal with this sort of grief – suicide – on my own, whilst being invisible to everyone… and having no close friends. I don’t want to do it. I don’t want to be here either. I want to join Liv. I might as well. There is no point in me existing anymore. There is NOTHING good left. I can’t even say, like I had all year, well I’ve got Westlife to look forward to….. I was going with Liv. Now she’s not here. I was meant to finally see her again two weeks tomorrow. I never got to give her a long overdue hug. We were so excited to be front row. Now I’m going to have to leave an empty seat, as I’ve practically gone round everyone begging them to have a free front row seat, and nobody said yes – even an offer like that people don’t want to be around me. It MUST be something wrong with me. I know the likelihood is people just couldn’t make it as they had other plans. But the last couple of weeks have been so humiliating and triggering for me. I’ve had to relive my childhood – desperately chasing for someone to be my friend and go with me. And I’ve had to face so much rejection over and over again. It’s left me feeling really quite shit about myself. And yes, I’ll be brutally honest, I’m a little angry at Liv for this… because this is what her decision left me with. The one thing that was keeping me alive, the one thing I was looking forward to with her, is now a ‘problem’ for me to solve. It’s a harsh reminder of how unbelievably isolated I am. And I know that makes me sound selfish. But since nobody else gives a fuck about me, I don’t think it really matters if I sound selfish.

 

This HAS affected me, badly… and there’s nobody there to talk to about it. There’s nobody who understands. There’s nobody supportive, loving, caring and committed to helping me through this traumatic loss. I can feel immense sympathy for Liv. I can be so upset that she’s gone. I can love her and miss her, and say I could never hate her. But I can still be angry about what’s happened and how it has impacted on my own mental health. Because my own mental health was already on a ledge. That’s why I was too wrapped up in my own self-pity to notice just how bad things must’ve been for Liv. Because I was struggling. And somebody taking their own life does pass it down the chain. It stops their pain, but it passes it on to someone else. It’s true.

 

I even had a colleague say to me not to do anything myself because of it, and I was honest with her and said it is something that has crossed my mind as a result, but that I wouldn’t put my family through that.

 

Liv was all I had left besides them. Everyone else pretty much leaves me feeling alone… like I don’t matter… like I don’t exist…. like I’m a nuisance and a burden. She was the only one who noticed, cared and believed in me. She’s the only one who never let me down. She was my rock. And now she’s gone.

 

Life is rapidly taking away my rocks. Losing family members, losing my best friend, losing Liv.

 

When I think about how I feel I have an image in my head. I don’t picture ending my life. It’s already ended. I see me lying there paralysed…. broken… no willpower to move… with destruction all around me…. like I’ve just thrown myself off a cliff or out of a window and there’s debris everywhere. I’m not moving. And the most notable thing about this image…… there’s nobody to be seen. People are walking past as though I’m not there. As though nothing happened. I’m lying there, dead for all anyone knows, and I’m still invisible. This is how I feel on the inside. I feel I’m already dead. And nobody gives a shit. Life goes on. I don’t want it to.

 

Two weeks tomorrow was meant to be the happiest day of my life so far… a dream come true…. it’s anything but now. I am living in a nightmare that only keeps getting worse. If losing my granddad wasn’t bad enough and real and painful enough…. then having my breakdown at therapy…. then withdrawing last year, feeling suicidal every day, and ultimately being hurt and abandoned by the person I trusted most…. and now Liv is gone. All the old friends I used to have are carrying on happily without me, and I’m left broken by them all. And I hear the words ‘we wouldn’t want anything like that to happen to you’…. it’s just words. It means nothing when it’s coming from the very people who put me on that ledge in the first place. The people who neglected me and abandoned me and hurt me so much, that I didn’t want to live anymore…. this was BEFORE Liv took her own life. I wanted to die before she DID. And people can say all they want that Liv wouldn’t want me to follow her…. but she went. She set the example. So I don’t want people telling me what Liv would and wouldn’t want for me, when she made that choice for herself. I’m not saying I’m about to do something, but I seriously am feeling why the hell shouldn’t I….?! I have every reason to not be here anymore. I have nothing to live for… other than to not hurt my family.

 

Liv left me all alone. Again I might sound selfish, but someone choosing to end their life is effectively an abandonment, and when you have what I have, it’s the one thing you find it hard to cope with. And I’ve had a fuck-load of it in the last few years. Seeing Westlife wasn’t enough for her to stick around. Seeing me wasn’t enough for her to stick around. All the other good things going on for her were not enough to stick around. I understand the demons won.  But it’s hard not to take it personally and feel like you’ve been rejected…. to not feel worthless… to not feel like she didn’t care enough about you not to leave you with nothing and nobody.

 

I’m not happy that I’m having to write these things. I’m devastated that there’s a need in the first place. People ask me what I want to do about the concert – do I want to sell the ticket, give it to someone who knew her, leave an empty seat…. blah blah blah…. no. What I WANT is for Liv to still be alive. What I WANT is to have not lost my best friend from my life too. What I WANT is for none of this to be real. But I can’t have that can I? This is reality. A reality I do not want. I have nothing left to pull me through this.

 

When my group of friends betrayed and abandoned me in 2012, I had my best friend and then my Godchildren to keep me going. When I lost my best friend & Godchildren, Liv was one of the only ones there…. now I’ve lost Liv and there’s nobody and nothing left. Not anyone who can reach me on a deeper level. Everyone else is a more recent friend / acquaintance. I don’t really register on their radars. The two people I’ve lost this year are my two oldest friends – I don’t know who I knew the longest, but I knew them both for over 12 years of my life. Everyone else I pretty much only met in the last couple of years.

 

So yeah, I’ve had three major losses in two years. And I have nobody to help me through it. I don’t have online support… professional support… honestly nobody cares how I feel or what happens to me.

 

I know Liv wouldn’t have wanted me to feel this isolated. She wouldn’t have wanted me to feel out of the loop and forgotten like this. But I am. I don’t matter to anyone. I never did. I never will. And the only person who ever made me feel that these facts weren’t true, was Liv. Liv who is no more. I really do give up on life. I feel dead to it now.

 

I spent most of last year feeling detached from reality and disconnected from everyone and everything. I didn’t want to be here. In the last handful of months I tried my best to push through it all and open up to people again. I tried to reconnect to life. But now Liv has ended her life I don’t have a life left. I’ve never felt more disconnected. And I don’t feel I can come back from it this time. Life will never feel the same again. I am honestly dead inside. There is no light left.  Sometimes we need others to be that light for us – people that really know us and really care about us… people we can trust…. I don’t have that with anyone. I have nobody offering me their light. Not people I know. I feel desperately alone, painfully ill in my mind, and completely hopeless. I feel paralysed with pain and depression. Nobody can know how it feels to be me right now. My life has become one big tragedy. And even if it’s not right now, I know how my story ends…

 

 

 

Why I Died.

This is a difficult month for me, because of reminders of the past. I know people would just say not to think about it. But it’s not as simple as that. Life traumatises me. Things that happened six years ago still haunt me. I’ve never been given the opportunity to work through these issues with therapy or the like. The last therapy course I did made a point that they don’t look at the past, they look at the now… CBT and mindfulness don’t cater for those who have unresolved pain and trauma. I don’t know what help there is out there, and if any of it could help me at this point. I feel like a lost cause now anyway.

 

It would just be nice to have my pain recognised, understood, validated and to be told how I can let it out. I don’t want to be told to just ‘move on’, ‘let it go’ and ‘forget it’. To be told those things is to misunderstand me and misunderstand my mental illness.

 

Six years ago I lost everything. My life has never been the same since. I was betrayed by one of my closest friends, hurt by another, hurt by a man I had feelings for, a friend passed away, I had a bit of a breakdown whilst I was abroad, lost another close friend – all of this happened in the space of a couple of months. I lost my group of friends. My social life became zero. My confidence and self-esteem plummeted. I could no longer trust anyone. I had no hope. I was destroyed.

 

Then the next year life changed. My goddaughter was born. Wonderful. It allowed me to be a loving, fun version of me. But life changed so dramatically from how it was only a year before. It was a good change, but whilst everyone was busy moving on with their lives – my friends were all getting married, having children, growing up…. I hadn’t attained the sort of life they did. I stayed stuck in the year 2012, and everyone else’s lives happened around me. I was suddenly the only single one left. And I was not left in a good place. I don’t think they realise that yes, their lives have also changed… but they have their lives. They have their partners, they have their families. All I had was them. Their friendship with me. I was stripped of everything else in 2012. They were all I had left. My godchildren became my focus. But at the end of the day they’re not my life. They’re my friend’s life. Her life has changed, but she has a life.

 

When left alone I have no life. Nobody understands this. My life changed so drastically overnight. From a sense of belonging with friends, and support, care-free fun and socialising…. to losing it all….. to seeing everyone else settling down…. to being my fun self with the kids….. to seeing less and less of them, and of my friend … to having nothing left.

 

I’ve accepted it’s over. I’ve accepted I’ve been abandoned. I don’t even blame anyone anymore. I saw it coming years ago. I knew eventually I’d be left on my own. I’d lose relevance. I’d drop down the priority list. What do I have to offer anymore? I’m single, childless and severely depressed and broken. Who would want anything to do with me? It’s okay. I’ve made my peace with being totally alone. I’ve been feeling increasingly alone for the last couple of years. Yeah I’m upset, but best not to let it in too much. Dwelling on it would kill me. And as that’s starting to appear on the horizon now I shouldn’t really hasten it.

 

All this change in my life… and loss… losing my friend who passed away – we weren’t the closest of friends, but she was a positive influence in my life… I still miss her. Losing the guy I had feelings for – he was a jerk as it turned out and had been playing me, but it still hurt. Losing two of my best girl friends because they hurt and betrayed me. Losing another guy – a friend of mine who I thought I’d settle down with & the way he left things between us. Losing the young care-free social life and replacing it with babies (which was good – but was ‘growing up’ … only problem is I wasn’t ready & lost a social life that could help me find my own happiness). Losing my mental health and physical health. Losing my granddad… my first loss… so also losing that sense of security and safety, and that belief I’d never lose anyone. Losing my extended family because they attacked my family the day before the funeral. Losing my confidence to speak out about things, as I kept getting attacked for my views, or nobody really cared what I had to say. Losing most of my friends – not knowing why. Losing my best friend. Losing the support group from therapy, and the therapist I had feelings for. Losing the ability to talk to people anymore. Losing everything. Losing the will to live.

 

Life is loss.

 

I have lost so much over the last six years, and nobody gets that. Nobody understands how that feels, to lose things, lose people and be abandoned by everyone. To have your life changed so much. From finally having friends and building your confidence up…. to utter despair and isolation…. but having your family in tact. Having your godchildren and one friend at least. To a broken family, real grief, deteriorating mental health and nobody there for you at all through it, and losing the godchildren and friend… watching it fade away. I now have nothing left besides the closest members of my family. The world is also different from a few years ago. It’s all going to hell.

 

A part of me is quite chilled out about it though. The world is going loopy just at the right time, when I’ve lost everything. Not much left to stick around for.

 

I book to go and see things by myself again now, like I used to do before I had friends. I’m going to a show next year alone, and the cinema this week. No I don’t like going on my own particularly, but I don’t have a choice. I have two events I’m going to in the next six months where I booked two tickets – I now have nobody to ask to tag along. So will be either going with family, on my own or selling the tickets and not going.

 

Nobody understands this level of isolation I feel. I don’t have anyone to talk to about anything. That’s why I make videos and write blogs. This month is hard for many reasons – some are as far away as six years ago… some are more recent, a year ago and therapy. I can’t talk to anyone about it anymore. They all want me to just move on already and I’m sick of it. Don’t you think if I could move on I would’ve done by now. I’m not choosing this!! I tried opening up to the only person I have left who I could talk to, about how I’m struggling at the moment, and they had the same response – ‘Are you still thinking about that? How can you move on?’ … I clammed straight up and resolved never to open up about my feelings to anyone again. And I haven’t since.

 

So I truly do suffer in silence now. Yes I write. But writing doesn’t let out the internal scream in me. I can’t vocalise my feelings. That’s why I made so many video journals lately, to talk my feelings through. But I can’t have human interaction and compassion from anyone, because nobody gets it. Nobody gives me the time and care I need. Nobody asks how I am, actually wanting to know the answer and help me.

 

So yes, I am really struggling at the moment with flashbacks, distressing emotions, so much pain and turmoil, and deep loneliness and sadness. But I will never breathe a word of it to anyone in my life. I’ve closed up now. I feel everyone is sick of me still being caught up in my past and not being happy. It pushes me closer to the edge. I wonder why I bother going on if I’m such a failure that I get on everyone’s nerves. If they’ve all given up on me and think I need to ‘just let things go’ what hope is there? It’s one of the most distressing things to hear when you’re in pain because of the past…. to just let things go and to live in the here and now. Believe me I want to do that. Unfortunately for me though the here and now fucking sucks. Unless you’ve been through what I have keep your mouth shut.

 

Some people I know really don’t know how lucky they are. I wish I could hand them my pain, my memories and my mental illness, just so they could understand how impossible it feels to live my life how it is right now… alone. Abandoned. They wouldn’t last a week. Probably not even a day. And it’s what I have to endure every day of my life. And I know some of them would compare their problems with mine. They’d tell me their life isn’t that great, blah blah blah… stop trying to relate to me. You don’t understand isolation and having NOTHING. You have a partner. You have children. You have a social life. You have a job. You have a home. You have purpose. You have mental health! You cannot understand how I feel. You can’t understand how it felt to be starting to live your life finally, and to just as quickly lose everything. To have it change you as a person. And to lose even more because of that change, and because of your mental health. To lose everything you had left. Nobody could understand that. Nobody DOES understand it, clearly, as they’d be here for me if they did.

 

I’m just so sick of existing in a world where people don’t want to know me, because of my mental illness. I’m trapped. I can’t end my life because of my family. So I have to exist. But my depression and negativity offends other people and pushes them all away. So I have to exist in constant emotional pain and isolation. It’s enough to make you want to end your life. But like I said, I can’t, because of my family. I AM TRAPPED. And this is hell. And I don’t know what to do anymore.

 

I’m not who I once was. And there’s no way I can ever get that back. With every loss, a part of me dies. The best part of me died six years ago this month. But so much more … anything I had left died in the last year.

 

I need help.

 

I need someone to help me. PLEASE. I don’t know what to do anymore. Life is so dark right now. Even with support I wouldn’t know how to get through this. But I am alone. I don’t think I can do it.