Tried But Failed.

*Self-harm & suicidal references, as well as bad language*

 

 

I’m trying my best to get to the end of this month without self-harming…. it’ll mean I only had one incident this month. But it’s so hard.

 

Last night I was researching my options for leaving this world. Today I see all the political news, plus our side of the argument is turning on itself. People are posting the same thing as me and getting likes and comments of support, whilst I have silence… nothing. Someone asked me if I was going to go back into my place of voluntary work, and when I said not at the moment their look and ‘Oh’ was like a stab in the heart. It was like a sign I’m a failure and a disappointment… like I’m just being lazy or a coward for not going in. The reality is the last time I went in, before the holiday, I had someone’s bad mood taken out on me. I felt unappreciated. I felt I was in the way and doing everything wrong. I self-harmed. So I don’t exactly feel up to facing all that shit again right now. I can’t pretend to be okay. I know this person doesn’t know how not okay I am – nobody does, that’s the problem. The only people who know how bad things are for me are people who read this blog. But I’m not okay.

 

I want to not be here anymore. Admittedly my emotions are likely up the wall at the moment for reasons probably only women would understand… but I feel I need to hibernate this week…. I need to stay off social media, avoid the news, avoid work, avoid everyone and everything…. but that one look of disapproval this morning makes me feel trapped. I feel I’m not allowed to keep myself safe. I’m expected to carry on and push myself. I now feel guilt for not going in to work, and for not caring if they’re okay with it. But I’m struggling so much and can’t do it. I could go in, to appease the disapprover, to stop my guilt, but I’ll be coming home with new scars probably… In fact I was just asked why I’m not going in…. in order for them to know so as not to put their foot in it….. bit late for that. It should be obvious the reason I’m not going is my mental health. If they can’t see that, then WTF!? They just keep digging the hole. As someone else said it’s none of their business. They should just accept I’m not going, as any questions about it will only make me feel bad for not going. I’m sick of all this shit.

 

I’m not ready to get on that merry-go-round of work. The never-ending stress machine where I embarrass myself and then can’t go in, then come back and struggle to cope and feel shit about myself. Where things are expected of me, people talk to me in tones I can’t handle because I’m right on the edge of ending my life, where one nudge and that’s it. I can’t do it. But then I feel I’m not allowed to not do it, because not going in makes me a disappointment, a failure and a burden to my loved ones. They don’t understand how bad I am right now, so they don’t understand why going in to work right now would kill me.

 

And I just feel the pressure building – from work, from home, from the job people imminently going to talk to me…. from myself, from time. I just want the world to stop so I can grieve. So I can recover. So I can want to live life again. Then I’ll continue and not miss more years of what should be ‘life’, to this mental illness. I’m just sick of existing and having to go through the motions just to keep others happy. And I’m sick of having to feel like a fucking failure for being unable to go through the motions. And I’m sick of not being able to TALK to anyone about the fact I can’t do this life anymore.

 

And then there’s my ex-friend. She doesn’t know what it’s like to always be the one who is abandoned…. left…. she made the choice to turn her back on me. She didn’t even give me the option. I tried to work things out with her. I put in effort. I told her the next steps. She just didn’t want to take them.

 

So now she’s free of me. Her life is probably improving without me in it. It’s allowing HER to heal. It’s allowing HER to move on. It’s allowing HER to distance herself from the hurt and the guilt, so that MAYBE one day we can be friends again as she’ll be in a better place. Utter bullshit, as I won’t be. Her leaving me without even talking to me has destroyed me and any chance of us ever being friends again. Whilst she’s out there healing and improving her life without me, I am paralysed. I cannot do the same because I have nothing left. She may be able to switch off from my existence and move on with her life and let go of the hurt, but I never will. Her way of ‘coping’ is a way of killing me.

 

 

^ ^ ^

Wrote the above this morning. Unfortunately something bad happened this afternoon and I’ve now failed to make it to the end of the month without hurting myself. My choice was either to do that or to throw myself out of a moving vehicle. This is the second time in two months I’ve found myself in this situation, and if it continues then I’ll opt for the latter. Almost had a crash earlier caused by some idiot on the road, which was terrifying enough, but it’s what happened afterwards that was the problem. I don’t think certain people get how awful it is for someone with BPD to be TRAPPED inside a vehicle, with no control, with raised voices and not being allowed to voice their feelings or fears. It’s NOT okay. I WILL fucking jump out next time. This has to stop or my life will stop. Simple as that.

 

So yeah, very shit day. Was shit before that, but there we go. I was going to continue on from earlier by saying I feel so completely isolated that I’ve considered getting in touch with people from my past… friends who hurt me in the past…. simply because I have nobody now. That’s how bad it is.

 

Oh and now we have another extension and no sign of a General Election anytime soon….. Parliament might as well hold the blade that kills me. They might as well push me off that ledge. They’ve pissed on my vote for the last time. I hope they all fucking rot in hell for the traitors they are. I’m as invisible to them as I am to supposed ‘friends’ and family. I’m irrelevant to everyone. I’m nothing. My voice means nothing. My voice should be ignored. I really am at a point of saying ‘FUCK THE WORLD AND ALL THE PEOPLE IN IT!!’ – I hate being that person, but I’ve put up with so much more than anyone should ever have to put up with. I hate everything and everyone, and I’m just done.

 

I’ve had my diazepam today. Not sure how much it’s helping at this point. I’m really annoyed I haven’t earnt my star on my calendar today. I’ve worked so hard to resist the urges to self-harm. I didn’t have another choice in this situation, and I’m SO angry with the person responsible for doing that. I’ll never forgive them for what they do to me with their anger. Never. They will be the death of me.

 

I really wish I could hibernate. I wish people would leave me alone, not give me any responsibilities or make me feel any guilt for just hiding away. I want to do that. I need to do that to keep safe. Why can’t I just be left to do what I want for a couple of weeks, alone? Why? I’m just so fed up with life right now. And people are an endless source of misery, pain and stress. I need peace. I need a break from life…. please.

 

 

 

 

Forget ’13’… My Endless Reasons Why.

All Truths Revealed

Personal rant, will definitely involve much effing and jeffing. And dark and potentially triggering material.

 

 

I am so invisible it really wouldn’t even matter what I write anymore. I am literally SCREAMING at people to help me, to notice me, to care, to be my friend, to save me as I don’t want to exist anymore… I am constantly screaming my feelings out in writing about how invisible I feel, and nobody notices and says anything….. because I’m invisible. So fuck it. No holding back now. Might as well throw all my feelings out there uncensored, as nobody will fucking read them anyway. And if they do none of them plan to talk to me ever again anyway. They’re happy to leave me feeling like a ghost until the point I choose to become one. So FUCK. IT.

 

Life has been unkind to me. I was lonely growing up. I was bullied. Fuck the bullies. Anyone who ever made me feel like I was an alien for being quiet. Anyone who picked on me because I was an ‘easy target’. Fuck you. I hope life dealt you a few blows as you grew up. To the guy who teased me about my hairy arms… fuck you. I shaved them for years after that. But now I’ve grown it back in the last six months or so, so you can go fuck yourself. To those who called me ‘spot’ and made fun of my hairiness at school and for not shaving – I was a fucking child, not a slut – you may have been grooming yourselves to sleep with boys, but I was never that way inclined. Plus it might please you to know there’s a term for what was ‘wrong’ with me at school – PCOS. Look it up. Educate your children not to fucking pick on someone for things like that…. don’t want them turning out to be bitches like you. For the girl who bullied me in front of a class every week – fuck you. You messed my life up forever. I hope karma hits you hard. For that class, and teacher, for allowing it to happen without defending me. Fuck you. You started a pattern in my life and made me feel I was completely worthless and invisible to everyone.

 

To the teacher who called me a stupid girl for burning my fingers in cookery class. Fuck you. You showed me up in front of a class in my first year of secondary school – no wonder one of my biggest triggers now is public humiliation!! To the teacher who told me off for going to my parents & head of year about her behaviour instead of her directly – fuck you! You should never have been a teacher, vile little troll. To the guitar teacher who was appalling at it, taught inappropriate songs, inappropriately flirted with one of the older students, and when reported, LIED, vindictively smeared me and my family – FUCK YOU!! I haven’t forgotten. You will pay for it one day when the truth is revealed.

 

To those at college who gave me ‘the look’…. that look that says ‘Oh God not her…. stay away from me’…. ‘weirdo…. I want nothing to do with you’ – fuck you all. You may not have liked me but that was the beginning of my mental health problems. I had just started self-harming. Would you have been less judgemental if you’d known what I was going through?

 

To the person who ran the art club I volunteered at, who often made me feel like shit… like I wasn’t doing good enough…. who used me… didn’t appreciate me… and made me feel like an utter freak for making a fucking mistake with the drinks – fuck you forever. That has never left me. You taught me I can’t make mistakes without needing to punish myself for it. I did. I cut myself in the corner of the hall, where kids could have seen me doing it. That’s on you bitch.

 

Fuck you to the bus driver who pretended to kidnap me, when I was the only one getting on that bus, at night time, alone. Lucky I dented my wall, and not your bus or your face.

 

To those in the office who made jokes about self-harm, ultimately making me feel uncomfortable to work with you anymore. Fuck you.

 

To Robbie, for leading me on, whilst secretly shagging Rachel, who kept giving me the evil eyes, yet is now married to a woman, and you then saying you weren’t ‘fannying me around’ during a difficult conversation, leading to me leaving FB and my life crashing into nothingness. Fuck you. And fuck her. You were supposed to be people who helped people like me. You set in motion things that would destroy me. I could’ve gone on to do great things if I hadn’t felt forced out by you two.

 

To Adam, for admitting you liked me, kissing me and then fucking off up north without so much as a goodbye. Ghosting me and giving up on our friendship. Treating me like I meant absolutely nothing to you. Fuck you!! Yeah, you were my first damn fucking kiss. You were my first experience with men, and that set me on a path of bad experiences with men, so that I now will never trust one ever again. I deserved better treatment than that, especially from someone I considered at the time to be one of my best friends.

 

To Evan for shagging that Hana girl in the two weeks before breaking up with me. For telling me not to make you feel guilty about that – fuck you. For breaking up with me instead of letting me be there for you. For stringing me along, hurting me, using me, telling me you couldn’t give me what I wanted and two days later being in a relationship with your now wife – fuck you. For getting back in touch with me three years ago, then suddenly unfriending me and never talking to me again, leaving me wondering what I’d done wrong – fuck you! But at least you once apologised to me for the hurt you caused me. It’s more than anyone else ever did.

 

To Joe, for completely obliterating my self-esteem, my faith in men and my ability to love. For using me. For playing with my feelings like it was a game, when I genuinely had feelings for you for some reason. For wasting my time and stopping me from seeing the one damn person right in front of me who could’ve been mine, had I not been caught in your web. FUCK YOU TO HELL! You broke me. I never want a relationship now because of you. I don’t trust men. I don’t believe a man could ever see anything in me now, other than an ego stroke and a sex object. But then I feel too fat and ugly now to even be seen as that thanks to you – you lost interest in me as I gained weight, and tried to palm me off onto one of your friends, obviously telling him how to try and get something out of me – ruining our friendship, as I most certainly don’t want anyone who ever reminds me of you and what you did to me. Fuck you. You stood me up so many times. You ran away. You ghosted me. You accused me of ‘overreacting’ to you cancelling – when you did it all the time and I have BPD you arsehole! So repeatedly rejecting / abandoning me would cause a reaction which is extremely normal. An overreaction would be keying your car or kicking you in the balls. I sent emotional messages. Get over yourself darling. You got off light. You made me feel cheap and worthless. You treated me like a whore, when I should be treated like a damn queen! Thank God you never had me and never will.

 

But fuck all you ‘men’ for making me feel there is nothing to value in me other than someone to stroke your egos, or something else. Why the fuck do men see women as objects rather than people with emotions and something to offer. Maybe it’s just me they do that with. I was a kind, loving, giving, down-to-earth, loyal woman. I had so much to offer. I was good ‘girlfriend’ if not ‘wife’ material once upon a time. And you all completely trashed that, so that I now don’t believe I’m good enough for a good man. Why did you not see and value the love I could give…. the kindness in me…. and treat me with respect?? Why did you treat me as though I was some cheap slut who you could play mind-games with?! WHY!? You treated me so badly that it brought out elements in me that you went on to demonise. You did that to me. You changed me in to something you didn’t like and then used it as a reason to ditch me, and ultimately I didn’t like what I became either. I’ve never learnt to like myself again since. So fuck you all.

 

Fuck you Lucy for being a pathological liar. You lied about everything, from having cancer, being raped, jobs in Italy, how Nick felt about me, and even your mum dying. I know she didn’t. I researched and found her online, alive and well. You’re a liar. You also never paid me back for a Westlife ticket. You’re a user and a thief. You took my intellectual property and uploaded it as your own. You didn’t take it down when asked. I should’ve taken action against you for that.

 

Fuck you Nick for being a dick. You took it out on me, when it was Hannah and Lucy stirring things … I was being told different things by different people. I just wanted you to talk to me yourself. I only heard through those two, and Hannah was being unpleasant at the time, so I thought Lucy had my back. She was a liar. I didn’t know that. She was a new friend! So to take it out on me like you did was shit. I made a mistake and you destroyed me for it. You ended that message by saying ‘How you think messaging me all the time is going to make me like you, I really don’t know’. To someone with BPD that is murder. I will never forgive you for that.

 

Fuck you Cheryl, for warning me off your ‘husband’ even though you two had separated and you were actually with another man yourself by then. How dare you do that to me? You scared the shit out of me, because I am not ‘the other woman’ and never would be! You made me feel like I was a bad person but I was simply having conversations with Joe  – you two were finished. You were doing it to try and ruin Joe’s life – I don’t blame you after what he did to you, but fuck you for taking that out on me, someone totally innocent, who would never hurt anyone.

 

Fuck you Jessica, for always picking fights with me about politics, just because you couldn’t accept a different opinion to yours. You made it personal too by saying it’s good I don’t have any children – FUCK YOU TO HELL! You have no idea how that felt. My granddad had just died, and I was so upset that I was the only one of his grandchildren to have not got married…. I wished so much he could’ve met my future babies… it hurts me that it will never happen, and he won’t even be at my wedding let alone meet them. Within two months of losing him you were saying that. I also may struggle to conceive. I also likely won’t ever find anyone to have those children with. It was a very raw nerve. It was low of you to strike it like that. You were a child. I hope you’ve grown up since, though I highly doubt it. That was the shittiest thing a ‘friend’ did to me publicly online.

 

Fuck the ‘trauma therapist’ who traumatised me by publicly shaming me on Twitter because I was triggered due to past trauma. Fuck ‘Mouse’ and all those other pricks on Twitter last year, who attacked me for defending Boris… calling me a racist and stupid, and a troll even though I was posting on my own feed.. a troll posts on others’ posts to pick a fight. If anything they were the trolls. Intolerant lefty remoaner bastards. Fuck remoaners to hell and beyond. Fuck lefties. Fuck people. Fuck ‘democrats’ in America – they have Trump Derangement Syndrome, just as we have people suffering Brexit Derangement Syndrome here. That stupid woman (??) patronising and shaming me, calling me an arrogant know-it-all etc. for standing up against mental health stigma. Fuck her forever. Showed the vile nature of their side of the debate. Made me hate Americans after that. At least they’re not all deranged like her. But she fucking almost killed me. Screw the intolerant bastards who talk about tolerance, peace, inclusivity etc. and claim to be the decent people, when they treat others like that for having a different view to theirs – one day all lefties will realise they are on the wrong side of history and have behaved appallingly. Fuck them all.

 

Fuck you Gill. You never told me you liked Sam. I confided in you alone that I liked him. You waited until I was most definitely out of the country, you broke up with your partner, moved home and within a couple of days you were having your first date with Sam. You didn’t tell me for two weeks – after I’d seen you both together twice. The second time I was a third wheel and didn’t even know it! You knew it would hurt me. You knew what you would do, but gave me no opportunity to do anything about it. If you were any kind of friend you would’ve been encouraging me to tell him how I felt about him, not plotting to steal him when I was powerless and out of the country. I fucking hate you for this. You do not deserve my forgiveness. You’ve been married about three years (??) now…. I still don’t wish you well. You destroyed everything I had in my life. You took away my group of friends and kept them for yourself. You made me have to start again, only I haven’t been able to. I’ve never been able to rebuild my life or trust friends ever again because of you! You took away my trust, my hope, any future I might’ve had. You totally destroyed my beautiful friendship I was forming with Sam. You didn’t have to be with him. You didn’t have to latch on to the nearest single guy. You could’ve been alone for five minutes. I was happy for you that you broke up with your guy. You could’ve let someone else experience not being alone for a fucking minute, but no…. selfish. AND you clearly discussed my interest in Sam with Hannah, as she kept hinting to me that she didn’t like any guys she knew at the time, and it always coincided with times I talked to you about him. So when you claimed to her that you didn’t know I liked him, you lied. You knew, as you talked to her about it. You broke my trust in every way possible. Yes I miss you, but you didn’t fucking deserve my friendship.

 

Fuck you Sam… for just taking Gill up on her offer instead of waiting for me. Obviously you two are happy now, so you clearly had no interest in someone like me… despite being interested in my best friend who I thought was similar to me. I kept hearing that you did like me I just refused to see it. I see it now in the things you used to say to me. But I couldn’t see it at the time. I was new to men. I was low in confidence. I needed and deserved a guy to man up and ask me out. So fuck you for staying quiet. Fuck you also for the way you responded when I poured my heart out to you. You raved about your now wife and told me there was no betrayal, when you wouldn’t fucking know, because you benefitted from that betrayal. You don’t understand shit like that. She broke the code. She DID betray me. You had no right to invalidate me and say it wasn’t a betrayal. I had just lost EVERYTHING because of Gill. I was heartbroken. I had lost you. I found the courage to admit the truth to you, even knowing there was no hope as you were taken. I told you what your friendship meant to me… how much I’d miss you. I wished you well Sam. You said absolutely NOTHING of the sort to me. You ranted at me about how you thought you’d always be the awkward loser, a back-up nice guy, a boring stable man, blah blah blah… you didn’t have to be Sam! I was right there, another awkward fucking loser! Now I’ll be alone forever. If nice guys don’t even want me then there must be something seriously fucked up about me. I give up. You didn’t say you’d miss me, or that you wished me well, or anything to indicate you ever valued me as a friend. You talked about Gill being a ‘good strong friend’ – 1. Was I not?? And 2. Yes she was… until she stabbed me in the back. You only knew her for two months, I’d been friends with her over three years. So I think I knew her a bit better than you did, and your description of her didn’t match her. It matched me. And then when I first saw you at Lou and Scott’s wedding, before the wedding I said hello, and you blanked me. You hardly spoke to me. It was plain fucking rude and hurtful, and I had to text my mum about it as I was so upset! I thought you were a good guy, but the way you spoke to me when I was falling apart, having just lost everything, having expressed sadness at losing you, and the fact you even chose someone like Gill tells me you never deserved me. You were not as nice as you seemed. Your fucking loss, but nobody else’s gain. All men have seen to that.

 

And bloody hell fuck you Hannah. The Queen Bitch. The one who destroyed everything I had left in my life. You started it in fact. You always threw hissy fits when I tried to help with travel arrangements for the group. You always brought our disagreements to the attention of the rest of the group. You wrote statuses about ‘people being immature for writing statuses rather than talking directly to someone’, and then whenever I tried to talk directly to you about things, you said ‘I’m not discussing this anymore’, ‘It’s only an issue for you’, ‘You’re making an issue out of nothing’. How fucking dare you? Do you know that invalidating someone with BPD is about the worst fucking thing you can do to them?! I know you didn’t know I had it. But you should’ve done. And you would’ve done had I  felt able to trust you in regards to my mental health. But I remember a time you said the help I was getting wasn’t enough… that I needed more help. That you were worried my posts were a cry for help and I’d try and kill myself. You were blunt. You were something that rhymes with that too. I reserve that word only for the worst of people I’ve met. You upset me, then invalidated and shut me down. You removed yourself from the group message and started another one, excluding me, where you then talked about me… I know, Lou showed me your messages. I somehow ended up getting the blame, with Gill saying we needed to sort it out so they wouldn’t have to see you one time, then me, then you… when YOU were the one telling them that we couldn’t sort things out – which happened to be because you refused to listen to me and be nice. You didn’t tell them that did you?? You said to me that I needed to move on, stop making an issue out of things and making things awkward for our friends. I LET YOU HAVE MY FUCKING FRIENDS!! I knew I couldn’t compete with you, so I backed away, missed out on a lot and let you have my friends. That’s right Hannah – MY friends. Lou was my friend. Gill was my friend. You only fucking met them because of me! And what a fucking mistake that was. Look at the trouble it caused me introducing you to my two best friends. I had a right to talk to my best friends about what was upsetting me. They were my only friends, so I couldn’t go to uninvolved friends like you could. You had no right to restrict who I spoke to about your abuse of me. As it turned out nobody stood up for me or told you to fucking apologise to me, did they? No… I got the blame. I always get the blame. Oh until YOU blamed Gill for stirring between us and being a bad influence on you. Then you apologised to me, ditched Gill and became my friend… for a few weeks, before having a pop at me for nothing, blocking me… and when I showed sadness that it seemed like only one of us wanted our friendship (me), you launched into an attack about all the things I had apparently done… accusing you of going after Nick, then Sam, you said I make life difficult for myself by letting things get to me, you said I always seem to have a lot going on (on a day I was going for my first MRI of my brain), and the truth is everyone does, it’s just how you deal with it – that I’m very different to you…. then you accused ME of bitching about you to Gill, when it 100% never happened. There was no evidence it had. Besides I didn’t bitch, not in those days. You brought out the bitch after all that drama. Gill was the one to say things about you, so I figured you must’ve been right about her stirring…. so a year later I reached out to you to make amends and clear the story up. You refused to listen or speak to me. You messaged Lou, involving her just before her wedding, telling me through her that you didn’t want to hear from me again, and all the blocking you again and again, the negativity, not having any trust and criticising you as a friend, it’s not the sort of friend you ‘wont’ in your life. That wasn’t on that you bitched to my only friend about me. So I messaged you directly… I had to – Lou refused to defend and help me. She just replied ‘okay’… Should’ve been a red flag that she liked you and didn’t have my back. I asked you not to involve Lou, but you ignored that and carried on, telling her the reason you were so distant with her, was that I still wouldn’t ‘leave you alone’ and you were trying to make it so I couldn’t contact you. You were a drama queen Hannah… I sent you three messages in total. You were unreasonable, immature, disrespectful in the manner you dealt with it, and I had a right to defend myself given what you did. I was never going to get in touch again. I made that perfectly clear. You should’ve drawn a line under my last message to you. But you just had to have the last say didn’t you….. and well done…. it all ended up making Lou mad with ME! I had started ‘stressing her out’ before the wedding, even though I was the fucking one defending HER and asking you to leave her out of it…. nice that.

 

You two became friends again in 2016… given the shit you put me through and the trauma I experienced back then, it rightly upset and unnerved me. It drove a wedge between Lou and I. That’s not your fault. That’s Lou’s fault for how she handled it. I’ll come to that. But you blocked her when she oh so selflessly picked me and totally didn’t make me feel guilty about it!! And as soon as I was no longer Lou’s friend, there you were, or rather there SHE was on YOUR friend list. I’d wish her luck with you but sadly I no longer care… she clearly thinks the sun shines out your arse, just like everyone else believed while you were bullying me. Butter wouldn’t melt kind of smile. They never saw the bitch I was subjected to on many occasions. She’s chosen you over me. She’s welcome to you, as you are to her.

 

Wow, that was a long one. Well you did kind of ruin the last friendship I had, by putting doubts in it. Which leads me on to Lou. God I wish I was never having to write shit about you. I never thought you’d be this person you’ve become. The way you handled the Hannah thing in 2016 absolutely sucked. It was the start of my mental health deteriorating. My mum had been ill in the run-up to it all, and our falling out was in the lead-up to my granddad getting sick. It was not a good time. Anyway, Hannah reappeared. I was in distress. I wanted to end my suffering – I was feeling suicidal as a result, anxious, sick, crying all the time. I felt betrayed by you. I didn’t give you a fucking ‘ultimatum’. In fact I very clearly said I’m not going to tell you what to do. I just wanted you to show some ounce of caring, emotion and sympathy for how I was feeling. But it was like you couldn’t compute why I felt how I did. It was as though you thought I was making it up in order to try and ‘control’ you.  You said yourself that you didn’t think things were that bad between me and Hannah. That says it all. You didn’t BELIEVE me! How do you think that felt?? You were also invalidating my experience, like Hannah did… can you understand how that felt, given we were talking about Hannah! The problem with you was that it felt like you were putting your desire to not be told what to do, ahead of my wellbeing and our friendship of over a decade…. I couldn’t understand why MY friend from school who you hardly knew, was that important to you that you would jeopardise our friendship. It took you way too long to do the ‘right thing’, and even when you did that you made me feel guilty that you ‘did that for me’. You said you never wanted to talk about Hannah again as you couldn’t cope with it. Fuck you! How do you think I felt?! Why did it upset you so much?? Was it because I had made you do something you didn’t want to do, because of my reaction to emotional trauma? Or was it because you felt bad? Was it because you really loved Hannah as a friend? Even though she had blocked you for no reason, for two whole years…. I still cannot understand your devotion to Hannah. Friends are loyal. And they don’t make you feel guilty when they do something for you. The way you handled all of that really put question marks on our friendship. I think you held it against me ever since. It’s evident because you added her as a friend as soon as you dumped me.

 

I felt I couldn’t confront issues with you. Just like I couldn’t with Hannah. You might not have done what Hannah did – saying it was only my issue, move on, etc. but you gave me silence, and you stored up resentment and got ‘wound up’ when I expressed hurt. You turned it round to make it seem like I had hurt you by expressing that I was hurt! I couldn’t talk to you. Friends should be able to discuss issues without fearing losing the other.

 

So many of our problems came from my feelings of inferiority – feeling I wasn’t good enough to call you my friend. Being scared of losing your friendship or being replaced. I was ill last year… having a breakdown. I was grieving. You abandoned me at the lowest point in my life until this year. You misinterpreted a blog I wrote and attacked me for it, making me cut myself worse than ever, and having me calling the Samaritans at 1am. You pinned all blame on me, absolved yourself of any wrongdoing and said things would never be the same again…. what, because of your misunderstanding and my mental health symptoms?? You didn’t like me anymore after seeing what mental illness can do to a person? Yeah? Well then I fucking did deserve better than you. You were so concerned with what others would think of you after that blog, that you didn’t even stop to question if any of it was true, or how I felt. You didn’t give a shit about me. Just appearances.

 

I understand you had your own shit going on, but that was no excuse for the way you treated me… neglecting me all year, making me feel like a burden, rejecting me, blaming me and taking it all out on me just because you couldn’t cope with anything else…. that wasn’t my fault that you were having issues I knew nothing about, because you cut me out of your life! Just like if you and I were having issues you shouldn’t take it out on your husband, family, or other friends, if you were having problems with other people you shouldn’t have taken it out on me. Not at a time I was suicidal and isolated. That was unfair of you. I got the blame for issues you had with certain other people, but it was your fault for not dealing with things better – don’t blame me for causing arguments just because you can’t communicate maturely with people in your life. I did not cause you and this person to argue more. I have been blamed for that twice now. I will not accept that blame. It’s not my fault. The fault lies with you and your inability to deal with things properly and communicate between you.

 

I reached out to you, despite how shit you made me feel. I wrote at Christmas and sent the kids and you presents. You didn’t open them. You didn’t give your kids the presents I had taken the time and effort to make and choose for them. Who the fuck does that?  Involving the kids in an argument?! You don’t take it out on the fucking kids. You were saying you’d feel guilty keeping it all if we were to end things here – this tells me two things…. firstly you may have felt guilty for not giving me anything, and you have an issue with the feeling of guilt – that’s why you blame me and others, so you don’t have to feel guilty… hm… but that’s your issue… you need to learn to tolerate guilt and stop making others feel it instead… and secondly that you had it in your mind at that point that we were done. You had already given up on me. It was rude that you never acknowledged receiving them. You never thanked me for them, other than in your final message to me, saying that you received the parcels thanks, but… I take it you never did open them and just threw them away…. that or you thought they were shit, as I never once got a thank you for any of it, from anyone. That was awful of you. You totally snubbed me over Christmas – no card, no text, nothing. Fuck you for making me feel invisible. I’ve not been able to make myself be seen again ever since. I don’t exist anymore thanks to you. I felt invisible all last year – that was the problem. You were an absent friend…. as was everyone else…. I needed my friends, instead you neglected and abandoned me. So how dare you go out of your way to make me feel the most invisible I ever have?! I won’t forgive you now.

 

Because after Christmas I did the fucking running and chased you up, as I wanted to be able to move on. You started talking to me, but kept saying things like you weren’t sure what was best; you didn’t know if we could survive this etc. You seemed to think we’d sort it out better in the future (at least I think that’s what I translated from your message), as we’re both too stressed now. I wasn’t stressed. I was falling apart because of you. Because you were abandoning me. I was losing you and my Godchildren… the only good things left in my life. That wasn’t stress. It should translate as ‘I’m too stressed to deal with you – and always will be’. Yes I was ill and I was grieving. And you thought it’s best to leave me until a time I’m not under the pressures of those things?? Leave me alone to deal with it?? You abandoned me when I was grieving, and having a breakdown… who does that?? You’re wrong that we can sort it out in the future. You can’t just end things on that note with me, run away because you’re too stressed to deal with it, and then approach me (or more likely with you, wait for me to approach YOU – won’t happen) in a few months / years and pick up where we left off…. no… you left me feeling hated. You ABANDONED me, because of my mental illness. I can’t just forget that. I can’t forget the things you’ve done out of spite. And you’ve destroyed my bond with the kids. I can’t forgive that. I’ve missed eighteen months already…. and what, you want to leave this another year or two or whatever, and then sort it out?? I will never forgive you for taking them out of my life, giving me something else to grieve on top of my granddad, losing Liv and losing you. Nothing can buy back the time I’ve lost with them.  C used to look forward to seeing me. Now she won’t even know who I am! Do you not understand how utterly crushing that is?? I saw me being in their lives forever. I saw you being there forever. I was a forever sort of friend. And you pissed it all away as though I meant nothing to you.

 

You showed so much hesitation about sorting things out with me. But the problem was whilst you were doing that, you were posting about your wonderful times with everyone else but me. You increased the amount you did this, after I blogged about my paranoia and insecurity about just that sort of thing. So I think you did that vindictively. I couldn’t afford to see any more of that. So I suggested unfriending you, so you could be free to post about them and I wouldn’t get hurt. So that I could focus on my mental health and paranoia. But you could get in touch when ready. I wanted you to agree with my idea. You blocked me without a word. Fuck you. You knew that would hurt me. What the hell were you playing at?!

 

You then removed yourself from my Facebook group, after hearing from Scott that it would hurt me. That was done with malice and immaturity. There is no other good explanation for doing that.

 

And you’re friends with Hannah again now – is that why you blocked me, so I wouldn’t see?? Had you stayed friends throughout and been lying to me? Or did she unblock you, see we weren’t friends and ask about it and you two became bosom buddies again? You’re welcome to each other. You’re the same person now. You’re no longer like me. You’re like her. Just more covert. Either Hannah really was that important to you, or you wanted to send a ‘fuck you’ message to me now you were free to do what you wanted. It hurt. It was lousy. You should’ve been focusing on how to resolve things with me, not doing everything in the book to make things worse between us.

 

Then when Liv took her own life I reached out to you, as if that had happened to you I would still want you to know I cared and would be there. Well, I would have. I talked to Scott. You unblocked me. But the next day I had doubts as I couldn’t face being hurt by you anymore. And knowing you and Hannah were friends again complicated things and would’ve been a stumbling block. I couldn’t afford to deal with that as well as the grief. As soon as you found out about my uncertainty you re-blocked me… hurting me – just what I couldn’t afford to feel. Who blocks someone like that a day after they’ve lost someone to suicide? You apparently. Or the you you’ve become. We did talk by text a couple of times, where you asked if there was anything you could do – hard to answer when you were no longer willing to be my friend. It felt empty and distant. So that was that. You never checked up on me after that. We’re finished.

 

Oh and you moved house without telling me a thing about it. Bye by the way. Kind of like what Adam did to me – except you might not have moved up north… I have no clue where you are or what you’re doing anymore.  I can’t write to you now. I can’t message you online. Old phone’s dead. I guess you really are free of me finally. That’s what you always wanted. You just wanted me to be the one to make the call so you didn’t look bad. Fuck you.

 

Anytime I’ve tried to set the story straight and make amends with people they have refused to listen, and stuck to their misconceptions. I tried to make things better with Hannah, she went to Lou and said she didn’t want to hear from me again. I tried to make things better with Lou, she got ‘wound up’ and didn’t think our friendship would work anymore. Nobody has allowed me closure. Nobody has had the decency to give me a conversation before walking out of my life. They’ve all either ghosted me or slapped me with a ton of harsh words and false accusations, before slamming the door in my face.

 

You have all killed me. I’ve had to bear all of this, whilst working through health problems – physical and mental. I’ve had family illnesses, where my parents both ended up in hospital within 10 months of each other. My granddad also got ill in between that and eventually passed away 8 months later. The family fell apart after that, because of someone who still hasn’t apologised over two years later…. we never spoke again and never will at this rate. I had a breakdown at my group therapy two years ago almost, and have gone downhill since then – I experienced ‘transference’ with one of the therapists, so it destroyed me when the course ended and I lost him. I haven’t recovered. I just stuff it down, and it comes out in my dreams instead. Now my only friend I had left took her own life almost three months ago, which I cannot cope with. But have to cope with alone, as everyone’s pretending I don’t exist. I’m doing a charity walk this month, which I just finished on Saturday – having done over 26.2 miles, ‘raising money’ for the Samaritans… haven’t raised a penny. Nobody gives a fuck about me, my feelings, my grief, how alone I feel, about Liv… I just don’t exist. And nobody valued her enough to sponsor me. It wasn’t about me. It was about her. But it’s made me feel so isolated and invisible now, so what was the point?? I will be donating the whole amount of my target by myself now. That or writing to them to apologise that nobody cares enough to acknowledge me or help me. The only people who might’ve done it were Liv and Lou…. Lou abandoned me. Liv is dead. Both happened this year. So I have nothing left. I knew them both at least 13 years… my two longest friendships…. gone…. that’s two extremely traumatic losses. I don’t think anyone gets that. Nobody seems to have acknowledged or validated what I’m having to deal with right now. And I’m trying my hardest… I’ve even tried offering words of support to others, and been completely blanked by them, as if I’m invisible. I wish people could understand how hard it is to just breathe right now…. to go on living. I wish they’d show some appreciation that I’m trying, or acknowledge my existence. I feel I’m dead myself now. Anyway I had to travel on my own to a place I’d never been, to go and say goodbye to Liv…. not knowing if it was even okay for me to go…. but I had to be there. I was meant to see her five weeks later. I never got to see her again. I had to see her and say goodbye. But that was hard. I am so alone.

 

It’s unfair that she died when she did. She seemed happy at last. I was going to see her a month later, at last, for something we were both excited for. She couldn’t hold on that long. I never got to see her again. I never got to hug her. I wasn’t given the opportunity to save her. She abandoned me. Just like everyone else has.  It’s unfair that my ‘best friend’ abandoned me and didn’t even care enough to make things right after that happened. All these people wouldn’t even blink if I followed in Liv’s footsteps. That’s how little I matter in the world. This isn’t just my illness telling me nobody cares…. not anymore….. this is reality. Nobody cares. Or they’ll care too late.

 

Fuck anyone who used to like me before I became this ill, and who is now wary of me… fuck you. All I needed was your love and support….. to be made to feel I wasn’t an awful person…. that you understood me and weren’t going to leave me….. to feel I mattered and was visible. I understand mental illness isn’t attractive…. my outbursts, my words, everything… it’s not pretty and can be scary… but I didn’t choose this. This is illness mixed with a shit load of awful people who did awful things to me in the last ten years and in my childhood. Being left alone because of all that, it’s gut-wrenching. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. If you used to like me, but now don’t then fuck you. You could’ve helped me. But you all sat back and watched me self-destruct. You did this to me. You can’t blame me for what I’ve become as a result of you not giving a fuck about my existence.

 

Fuck anyone who has an issue with me writing this post. You are a part of the problem. Cause and effect…. you are the cause, this is the effect. You have no idea how much I’ve held in, for your sakes… how much I’m still holding back. If you didn’t want me to write this then perhaps you should have treated me better and thought more about our relationship than your own damn ego. All of you combined have created this monster of truth that you’ll all hate for speaking out. But honestly, how much did you really think I could take of people shitting on me, ditching me, silencing me, before I’d explode..? You can’t expect me to deal with all this totally alone. The alternative to this was quietly going off to die. I know some of you would prefer I did that, as you care more about how you look to others, than the devastating damage you have caused me.

 

Fuck anyone who ever made me beg for anything! I had to beg throughout school to hang around with people…. I had to beg to go in a limo at the prom, and was rejected on the grounds of being ‘boring’. I had to beg guys to talk to me when they were ghosting me. I’ve had to beg people to tell me they care about me, miss me, to show me friendship. I’ve had one person mentioned in here want me to be someone who begs for things. They want that sort of control over someone. NEVER. That was the point I realised I will never do that or be that person. I will never let anyone, particularly a man ‘tell me what to do’. I will never be in an unequal relationship – we’ll be partners, give and take, and I will never have to beg a guy for anything – he’ll shower me with love, care, affection, respect and support. If I cannot have this then I’ll settle for having nothing, as I have the last few years. I will not be controlled by anyone. I will not be made to feel less deserving and as worthless as that person made me feel. I will not have to ask for these very basic needs to be fulfilled. Either there is someone out there only too willing to give these things to me freely, without ulterior motives, or all men are sex-addicted pricks and will never deserve me. And I will die alone, having never experienced the love of a man.

 

I’m now starting to realise I have no friends. I’m done begging. I’m going to go silent now. I’ll write on here, but nobody acknowledges me anymore… at a time I really need a friend, due to everything that’s happened this year. Nobody’s stepped up. So I’m done begging for friends. I’ll probably cry about the fact I’m alone, and I’ll whinge about how nobody cares etc. But I’m no longer asking them to be friends to me when all I get back is radio silence. It’s so painful to be on the end of that, when others get support when they cry out for help….. it’s so painful it makes me want to rip my own heart out and put my hand through a brick wall.

 

When you grow up lonely, have to beg for friendship, you’re bullied, you make friends who all go on to hurt and betray and abandon you, guys reject and abandon you, everyone ‘ghosts’ you, everyone starts dying around you, you’re stuck in a bubble of isolation and mental illness, tackling the battlefield of grief alone, you lose someone to suicide whilst trying not to kill yourself already because of everything else, and then you reach out for support, from anyone, and all there is, is silence….. that bubble of isolation violently bursts and you fall to the ground, every bone in your body breaking at once. You can’t get up or move. You’re powerless. You can’t breathe. You will your heart to stop beating. This is how it feels to be me now. I don’t want to live.

 

Nobody sponsored me. Nobody talks to me on Facebook, Twitter, here. I don’t have offline friends now. My world is closing in. I’m right back to where I was when I first got mentally ill after school. I’m alone. But it’s so much worse than that… because of everything I’ve been through since then. I thought it was the end back then. But nothing had really happened in my life. I hadn’t had my heart trampled on over and over again. I hadn’t had guys toy with my emotions and destroy my self-worth. I didn’t have friends who I trusted who betrayed and abandoned me. I hadn’t lost anyone. I was young and thin and had a whole life ahead of me. Now…. who knows. I feel like my life is over.

 

I’ve just had a two week ‘break’… but didn’t really have time to stop and sit and process stuff. The one day I did, I spent all day writing about my feelings, forgot to take my medication and ended up harming myself. So I have come to realise that it’s better to not stop. Not stopping may lead to overloading my mind and having a full nervous breakdown, like I was on the verge of two weeks ago…. but the other option is I have to sit and feel everything that’s happened… and I have nobody to help me with that now. I’m alone. I can’t afford to let it in, as it’s too monstrous… it would consume me. Either way I’m doomed.

 

And I’m not allowed to talk about it. I’m not allowed to write on my blog as it hurts others’ feelings…. fuck that and fuck them. What the fuck about MY feelings for a change?? Ever thought about those?? No. Exactly. So fuck you. If I talk about stuff then people get mad about it and use it as a reason to not know me anymore. If I don’t talk about it, it gets bottled up and explodes later in a worse way, plus I never have real relationships with people, as they’ve made it so I can’t approach them directly! So everything is fake…. all friendships have issues…. you use them to make you stronger, not make you drift apart. But if you can’t be honest with each other then it’s not a real friendship.

 

I’m just done with life. I’m done being me. I’m done with reality. All last year I was floating in a bubble of dissociation. Nothing felt real. I felt disconnected from everything and everyone. I felt invisible and isolated. Unless you’ve experienced dissociation you cannot know what that’s like, and for the reaction to reaching out of the bubble, to be that of anger, blame and shaming me for blogging… fuck, that hurts. Now if I’m in a bubble (which I know I said burst – but it’s like two realities at once – one I’m broken on the floor, the other I’m still floating around), I’m in a bubble within a bubble within a bubble. I cannot be reached. I definitely cannot be seen….. HELLO BITCHES!! … see, nobody would see I’ve written that. If anyone sees I’ve posted a blog, they won’t read it. If they do they’d have given up by now…. just like they all give up on me.

 

On the off-chance anyone is still reading, thank you so much for seeing me, and for tolerating such atrocious language and anger. I’m sorry. This has been a long time coming. I’ve held back a lot for a long time. And the pain I’m feeling right now is out of this world. It’s strange…. it’s like feeling overwhelming pain yet feeling numb at the same time. Again, like two things exist at once. I think the reality is that it all hurts too much that I shield myself from it, and feel numb as a consequence. But I’m numb because I feel too much…. not because I feel nothing. I wish I felt nothing. I wish I remembered nothing. I already don’t remember my childhood. I don’t have any happy memories of being a kid. Not because I didn’t have any. From what I can see in photos I had a wonderful upbringing. I don’t know why I can’t remember any of it. I can’t connect to the photos I see of me. It’s like they’re someone else. I guess maybe that would explain not really knowing who I am. How can you, when you rely on stories told by others about you. I have snapshots of things – but they’re always the bad things that happened…. like being picked on at school… but I don’t know my reaction to it… all I have to go on is what my mum tells me. I don’t remember much at all. I think there’s something wrong with my mind. All I remember are traumatic moments. The rest just vanishes. Even the Westlife concert I went to a few weeks ago… I barely remember it now. It’s fading away. It’s why I take as many photos of things as I can. To remember. But even then I can’t remember being there or how I felt. But these damn bad memories just play over and over again, relentlessly. And the pain I feel as a result, that’s not something I’ll forget anytime soon. Why can’t I forget the bad and remember the good? I have no good stories to tell people. I can’t remember them. All I feel is hurt and pain. Loss. Mental illness. Trauma. I wish I could forget all these awful people and the things they did to me. I wish I could be me, and know who that is. I’ve completely lost it somewhere along the line – changing to make others like me, after years of not being accepted at school. And then all those experiences mentioned above, have further changed me. I don’t know who I am anymore. It’s scary right now. Nothing feels real. I don’t feel real. I don’t want to be real. I don’t know who I am. I cannot trust anyone. I have nobody to talk to. No support. I don’t feel grounded. I have no reason to live anymore. I’m grieving the loss of someone who didn’t want to live anymore. Nobody knows how I really feel. Nobody would even care. Everyone leaves. I’m not meant for this world. What has been the point of all this pain…?

 

 

 

 

Silence My Voice.

my voice

*Self-harm & bad language*

 

4th June 2018

 

It’s official. This is my only space where I have freedom of speech. If it upsets people fine, don’t read. But I’m tired of being picked on. I’ve just been on my self-harm support forum, and got a message from a moderator telling me they’ve deleted some of my posts, for ‘excessive political discussion’ – this was a targeted, politically motivated attack on me. I didn’t ‘discuss’ politics – it was in a rant thread which gets no replies. It was not aimed at anyone on the forum. It was letting out my emotions while I watched a TV programme – I chose there, as I get attacked anywhere else. I thought it was safe. I was very brief and succinct… it was aimed at people on the panel. What is this world coming to, that I’m not even allowed to criticise a politician that others obviously like…? This is what I received, and I’m going to explain why it’s wrong….

 

 


 

 

 

Dear ********

We have removed the following sections of your recent ranting posts, as we felt that they tipped into excessive political discussion, which is only really suitable within a new/debate thread, and even then would be considered ‘flaming’ of people whose opinion differs from yours,

Quote:
Utter bullshit Umuna. Tosser. Like your tosser party. Bunch of twats the lot of them.
Quote:
Oh here’s another dick, repeating the same line – ‘it wasn’t on the ballot paper’ – do they not fucking watch the programme…. they keep repeating the same bullshit, like lemmings. You all sound like utter idiots when you say those words.
Quote:
Aw fucking lefty twats on the panel and the audience. Why the hell did I watch this. Disrespectful pillocks.

Please be mindful that this is not a politically based forum or a place where it is appropriate to be insulting towards people of a particular political affiliation (in this instance, pro-remain voters) and try to be more respectful of people whose view differ from yours.

*****
On behalf of the Forum Moderators

 

 


 

 

A moderators decision is final, and must not be questioned on the forum. It can be discussed privately with them, but given that confrontation triggers me, that’s not a possibility for me. This sent me into one of my episodes last night. Rage, self-loathing, hatred of the human race, suicidal feelings, self-harm.

 

I am going to talk about it here, because this is my space and nobody has the right to shut down my voice on here – it’s the one place I will not let them touch. I’ve been shut down everywhere else, and as the rules state I can’t discuss it on the forum, I’ll take it outside the forum instead, if that’s the way they want it.

 

This theory that it’s ‘flaming’ people with a different opinion to me… I feel like testing that theory on the forum, and posting my opinions on other topics…. I could equally say that meat eaters are murderers (I don’t think this by the way – I just wonder if I’d be discriminated against for being a vegetarian). I could talk about my thoughts on abortion (not that I would, as it doesn’t affect my emotions that much that I need to let it out!!), and would they accuse me of ‘flaming’ those who don’t agree with me? I could say that watching porn is disgusting and perverted, and I’d be accused of ‘flaming’ those who like watching it! Or would I…….? Is it just because they’re discriminating against me based on my political stance?

 

My point is that it seems they’re policing my thoughts and feelings. My comments were aimed at a politician, the people in the audience and on the panel. If I had said that all Labour voters are dicks… or that you’re an idiot if you voted Remain, then fair enough – that would be out of order, and even I can see that! But I was commenting on the people they keep having on that programme. If people want to take what I say about a TV programme and make it about themselves then fine, but that’s a bit egotistical to be frank. These people are being offensive every single day in what they say in the media and online… they’re being disrespectful of those who won a democratic vote, and their attempts to overturn the results offend me – but fuck my feelings, they don’t matter do they? Only the precious little whiners’ feelings matter…. I’m not allowed to say how pissed off I am about their relentless bullshit, as I suddenly become ‘offensive’, well screw you all. That’s like someone being bullied for years, and the moment they stand up to the bully they’re accused of being nasty. It’s not on, and I will not stand for it… not after the many years of bullying I’ve endured in my life. Shutting down my right to express my views and my emotions is having a hand in my death.

 

The forum is a mental health support forum, not a political one, this is true. But am I only allowed to say the words – ‘mental illness’, ‘mental health’, ‘self-harm’, ‘depression’, ‘anxiety’, ‘suicidal’, ‘cut myself’, ‘I want to die’…..? Am I being policed that much that I can’t even mention other words in passing…..? That I can’t express the reasons I feel upset, angry and potentially like ducking out of this life??? Okay, from now on I’ll spam the forum with ‘I want to kill myself!’…. ‘I want to cut myself’….. ‘I’m depressed’. If we’re only allowed to mention mental health on the forum!

 

I was bloody careful about masking what I meant. I didn’t mention ‘Labour’ I said Umuna and his party (i.e. the politicians – not the voters!!!!), and I said about ‘the ballot paper’ – so I didn’t mention the EU or referendum – so that it wouldn’t offend people and they couldn’t have a go at me for it!!! Okay I said ‘lefty’ but if you’re offended by the word lefty, then should I get you a new dummy?? It was brief and masked, and anybody who would bother to go into the thread of someone who is an utter outsider on that site, doesn’t know anyone, and they are then offended by that, should really get a fucking life.

 

What this was, was the moderator in question, IS a ‘lefty’….. IS a ‘Remainer’…. and has a personal grudge against me for having a view different to her. It’s clear. I once had a discussion with her about politics – she’s the opposite to me, and was very argumentative and even had to apologise to me for it, whereas I wasn’t… I simply explained things to her politely. She is one of those in this country who wants to shut down free speech for people like me. And she’s succeeded…. she deleted my posts. Well fuck her, and fuck that stupid website. It should be taken down. Hardly anyone uses it nowadays.

 

What pisses me off the most though, is “try to be more respectful of people whose views differ from yours.” ………. fuck you. I am extremely tolerant of different views… I am respectful. I don’t have any respect for you now. But I never said that people who have different views to mine, are bad people… I never disrespected them. I was rightfully pissed off at people on the television….. I have grown intolerant of their intolerance!! I am allowed to say whatever the hell I like about people on the fucking television!! So if someone commented about Boris Johnson on this forum after seeing him on TV, saying what a moron he is, should I be offended because I like Boris???? How does this double standard forum work? The world is full of different opinions. It’s no reason to get rid of those opinions!

 

I’ve just composed my complaint, and will be sending it today. I harmed myself because of them – not that I’m allowed to tell them that, as I’d get ‘infraction points’…. they’ve got so many rules that you’re not even allowed to breathe anymore. I’m going to find a better site that actually respects the feelings and needs of the people using it.

 


 

5th June 2018

 

I wrote most of this post yesterday. I have since sent in my response to the moderator, and I have copied my complaint to the webmaster so that he can see the discrimination of his moderators.

 

complaint1 (2)

complaint2 (2)

 

 

In my opinion this forum has shown itself to be left-wing. They removed my posts for daring to criticise left-leaning people on the television, but took no issue with the countless posts about us ‘xenophobes, racists, oldies and bigots’ who voted for Brexit. I reported such posts – never minding that they’re a couple of years old now – it still demonstrates the double standards they have, and how intolerant they are of any more right-wing views whatsoever.

 

It feels like discrimination based on my opinions. In every sector of my life I feel like an outsider. I feel like a minority in terms of my views. I’m always shouted down by the opposition and I’ve had e-fucking-nough of it. The bitch is going to come out and play. You want to argue with me, or try to silence me, I’m going to shout it from the rooftops what a bigot you are. Try to show me up… I’ll show you up more. I’ve been a doormat for too many years, and it ends now. You’re going to get what you give and you’re going to get what you deserve. Don’t push me anymore. 

 

These posts will show you the emotional turmoil I went through as a result:

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This site was a support forum for self-harm and mental health. This moderator and the actions of this site resulted in me cutting myself and punching the hell out of myself. I also went into self-neglect mode, where I don’t take my meds, eat, drink, sleep or anything else. I stay up late, thinking about everything. I’m still utterly exhausted two days later – this is my quiet day this week, and I haven’t enjoyed it. I don’t feel rested, because I feel stressed, on edge and unsettled. Somehow I have to get through the rest of the week, and the next, and every one after that. I feel shattered and really don’t want to exist right now. I want a month’s sleep. The anger I feel scares me. I have to bottle it up really. These people keep shutting my voice down. And every time they do that it builds the monster inside me….. I feel like a volcano about to explode, and I’m scared of who’ll get hurt in the blast. I feel a rage in me every single time people stop me from speaking…. I feel it bubbling violently, and I want to smash things… I want to scream. I want to punch the crap out of everything in sight. I feel such burning anger at other people, and I’m afraid of my thoughts…. I would never hurt another soul… I know that…. but the rage scares me. So I hit myself. I would rather beat myself black and blue than to lose control of my anger. But I resent all those people who stopped me being able to speak out about my feelings or my views. I have a right to freedom of speech – be it about politics or mental health, or my feelings or life. I have a right, and I should be allowed the space to do so, without being attacked for it. I am so angry that people think they can silence me, just because they don’t like what I have to say. 

 

My opinions may differ from yours…. my truth may upset you…. but demanding that I keep my thoughts to myself leaves the blood on your hands. You are asking me to bottle things up. You are saying that your opinions are all that matters, and you don’t want another idea out there to challenge yours. You are judging me as a person for not thinking the same as you. You are saying you don’t care about the consequences for me, even if that means me harming myself. You are silencing me, isolating me and pushing me towards the edge of the cliff. 

 

The last few times I have self-harmed have all been for the same reasons – that people tried to shut down my voice. They argued, they attacked, they accused, they played the victim and they made me feel like total shit. They made me feel I don’t have the right to a say… that I shouldn’t use my voice. That I have to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself and hurt myself, just to keep them happy. I cannot and will not take any more of this. From Twitter, to Facebook, to my blog, to this forum, I feel I can’t say anything without someone objecting. I’m sick of it. I’m sick of feeling like this is some team effort to get me to kill myself. It has all happened in the last couple of months and feels like a systematic shutdown of my voice. It feels like it’s been orchestrated so that I have to close up on every platform and be more isolated. This makes it feel like the whole world is against me. It makes me angry at everyone. It pushes my views even further and makes me hate the opposition more and more. If they could all just shut the hell up, and let people like me have our views without question, then life would be fine. It’s this dogmatic hunger of theirs to win arguments and score political points, at any cost… they’re making the situation in this country worse. Live and let bloody live. Do they not teach this nowadays? 

 

I’ve been a member of that forum for ten years, but no more. They say it’s not a political forum, yet they’ve shown their political bias in this targeting of me. I will seek out a better site, with a more relaxed attitude. The infraction points system is a joke – you talk about politics, religion, self-harm (in the ‘wrong way’), complain about actions by moderators, let people know their actions made you self-harm…. you so much as BREATHE and you get points which add up towards a ban. I’d be far too paranoid to use the site now. I would always be questioning ‘Can I say that?’… they’re clearly watching me and picking on me. You need to be able to speak your mind, especially in a rant/vent thread, otherwise what’s the point? If you have to edit your angry thoughts how will that work? It’s about getting it out so that you don’t hurt yourself. I feel they’re encouraging bottling up emotions instead. This is not healthy for a self-harm support site. I’m being kind in not naming it, though I really want to. I’m sure there are some good ones out there… this unfortunately is not it …. not any longer. I want to belong to a more open and tolerant forum, where different ideas are welcome and encouraged… and where I won’t be accused of disrespect and intolerance, by a disrespectful and intolerant person. She could not tolerate my views so got them removed, and had the audacity to lecture me on being respectful. It’s infuriating! And demonstrates the battle we non-left-leaning people face daily!!

 

I do apologise to those who would rather my posts not be political – that’s what I’ve wanted to avoid too, but since freedom of speech doesn’t seem to exist for me, unless I want to cut myself as a result, this is my only space left. I don’t intend to make it political, only to express my emotions and the difficulties I’m having in my life, that make my mental health worse. I respect different opinions. I promise you I have no issue if any of my followers have different political views. Any rants I ever have are based on people I’ve encountered and the general attitudes I’ve seen from certain groups of people. If you support a particular group I am ranting about and you are not one of the people I describe I apologise, and I don’t mean you – I only ever mean the unpleasant ones among your lot. Unpleasant people exist in every area of society, but my rants will tend to only be aimed in one direction as they are the opposite view to me, so are the ones most likely to personally give me trouble!

But respect and appreciation to you all. Thank you for always allowing me the freedom to speak freely on my own blog. It means a lot.

Hope you’re all well,

xxxx

 

“Toughen Up”.

*Very bad language & suicidal thoughts*

I have days like today where my emotional skin is next to nothing. Everything from the tone of someone’s voice, to the look on their face, to the words they say, to being ignored…. everything hurts me. It feels like a kick in the heart, a buzz in the head and a need to rip myself apart.

On days like this I feel there’s no place for me in this world. I will never fit in, because I’m too fragile for such a harsh world as this.

I help in a charity shop at the moment, and we were overloaded with donations today, so we had to turn down further donations… we actually had a sign on the door telling people, but nobody ever looks at the door as they come in… I hate having to say no to people. Some people are okay about it, and then there’s others who don’t think of the impact of their attitude. It was brave of me to decline a donation today, as it fills me with pure fear. And the person didn’t say a word, did a sort of ‘eye roll’ and turned away. I’m sorry – it’s not my fault! I’ve been told to not accept donations, and if I had, then I would’ve been made to feel shit by colleagues, so I can’t bloody win whatever! I kept calm and composed, but inside I’d been emotionally stabbed, and when I started to talk to a colleague about it, they said I need to ‘toughen up’.

This was the point I had to go silent and breathe, and focus on a task, because I was about to burst into tears in the shop. Not so much because of what was said, as I know it was well-intended considering who it came from, but the fact I felt they were right. I have to toughen up. I cannot and will not be able to exist in this world if people’s bad attitudes have such an effect on me.

But this annoys me. Why should I have to ‘toughen up’…. why can’t people just learn to be nicer people?? It’s a lot easier for people to have manners, humbly accept things as they are, and not make someone feel like shit, than it is for people like me to grow some magical emotional skin, out of nowhere. Why do nice, quiet, sensitive people have to change just to fit in?! Why the fuck can’t nasty, insensitive, loud arseholes be the ones to change for once?

Fine, you want me to change, I will… but you will not like the person I become. If the world asks me to toughen up and change, then fuck you world, you’ll see a change. I will be a heartless bitch. I will tell people exactly what I think of them. I will tell them next time – ‘It says it on the door, can’t you READ?!’ If that’s what you all fucking want, for me to not be my authentic self, then fine. If nobody can accept me for who I am…. if nobody appreciates a quiet, kind, friendly, polite woman, then fuck you all. I will be the fucking bitch you want me to be, just so that I can fit in with the rest of you!!!!!

I am so sick of my ‘niceness’ being abused. I’m sick of being trodden on. I’m sick of people telling me I’m too sensitive. Do you know what it’s like to be this sensitive, and to be told it’s wrong…. but you know no other way. This is who I was born as. You’re asking me to change my SOUL. I cannot do that. So if my sensitivity is so wrong, and I cannot fit into this world of rude people, then I’ll just end my life shall I?! Is that better?! It’s easier to kill myself than to grow emotional skin and change my soul that I was born with, I’ll tell you that much.

It is incredibly hard to live in this world how I am. I do not need people telling me that I need to change. NO. People need to learn how to treat other human beings with respect and courtesy. THAT is what needs changing. I am so sick of limping through life right now. I didn’t want to go into work today. I don’t want to do life at all right now. I have to fake being better than I am. But I cannot cope with incidents like today. I cannot cope with working. Not in that environment. I’m thinking of leaving. Because people have no idea how a charity shop works. We don’t have endless space to store things. Also a lot of decisions have to be made – I cannot do that at the moment. I have no confidence in myself. And my colleagues’ answer would be ‘be positive’. Well no. That’s not going to work any longer. I’m sick of being misunderstood. I’m sick of pretending to be okay when all I want to do is put myself in hospital, or worse.

I just don’t want to live right now. I want to rewind five months. There was at least a little light back then. Therapy ruined it. Now I can’t see anything. I give up.

When Therapy Does More Harm Than Good.

* Self-harm and a lot of very bad language, I’m sorry *

 

 

I find myself being a ball of thoughts and emotions today. Last night fucked me up royally.

I found myself at the MIU at the hospital again after my CBT group. I had gone home and harmed myself badly. The nurse who treated me was appalled that this was the second time I had come away from therapy, harming myself. But she said it’s not the first time she’s heard of it doing that to people. I explained to her that the course is opening up a lot for me, and I’m not getting the support with it. I told her I’m unlikely to finish the course now. I can’t keep coming away worse than when I went. In the couple of months I’ve been there I have ended up at the hospital twice (two of only three times in my life). But I have harmed myself more times at home and not sought treatment. This isn’t right.

Yesterday I asked one of the therapists if I would receive any help with my transference issue at all, as I was concerned that this can of worms had been opened, and I would be left to deal with it on my own. I can’t recall everything that was said, only what I took from what was said… the message I received was that I have to be my own therapist, use mindfulness, and pretty much get over it. It either magically sorts itself out, or I have to stop working with the therapist I’m transferring on. So no mention of help working through it. Fuck that. So I come to therapy to try and help me recover, I have this massively distressing thing come up, and I’m expected to shrug it off or be forced to face a traumatic loss that I’m already dreading. “If you can’t get over it by yourself I’ll abandon you”… that’s how it feels to me. That is so fucking awful to convey to someone like me. I feel utterly powerless and alone. That’s why I harm myself nowadays… I have no control over anything. And things like last night’s conversation DO NOT help.

I wasn’t being listened to, understood or heard. I give up trying to get them to understand me. What’s the point? I wish I’d never even mentioned this issue to them in the first place. The way they’ve handled it, or rather NOT handled it, has set me back years. I am so fucking angry with them as a service. I’ve lost all trust and faith in them. My interaction with the one yesterday made me realise they don’t give a fuck about me, and I really am as alone as I have always felt… they’ve stirred up this shit-storm for me and don’t care what it does to me. The other therapist didn’t help me when I specifically asked for their help, abandoning me when I needed them…. ‘for my own good’, to get me to push myself – I don’t trust their motives now. Both of them have ruined my problem-solving attempts, by rejecting what I had decided to do. They’re fucking useless.

And I feel so upset to have to say that, because only a few weeks ago I was so grateful to them, and desperately sad about losing them. But this set-up isn’t working for me. They’re leaving me in distress and without support.

I told the therapist last night that I didn’t feel safe. They asked if I had the means on me to harm myself, and I said no, and inside my head I was screaming ‘I WISH I DID!!!’ … they asked about how I could keep myself safe tonight… I honestly didn’t know. They just don’t seem to understand my pain and suffering right now. I am getting worse. And they still don’t want to know.

They don’t even seem to recognise how fucking hard I’ve been working every single fucking week to be there, and do the homework and make progress, despite this agonising feeling. The therapist said about it being a block to therapy… which is what I had said originally… I then changed that and said the block is denying it, pushing it away and seeing it as something other than an aspect of therapy. Now here he was saying it’s a block! NO. The BLOCK is the way it’s being handled, i.e. it’s NOT. Why can’t it be acknowledged?! Why can’t my feelings and pain be validated?! Why can’t I NOT be made to feel like a fucking burden / nuisance / unlovable / disgusting / awful freak, for having feelings I don’t want to have.

I should never have said anything and I’m so angry with myself for having done so. I SHOULD have done what I’ve always done and stuffed my feelings down, and suffered in silence. These therapists are teaching me that’s the best way to live. All this therapy is demonstrating to me at this point is that every belief I have about myself and other people / life, is correct. I’m a worthless piece of shit who should kill herself, then they won’t have to deal with me anymore. I hate myself, I hate them, I hate life, and I give up on all of it.

I didn’t open my mouth at all in the session last night. I disappeared during the break. And I left the session quickly, without saying goodbye. Nobody noticed me at all. The therapists, particularly the one I spoke to before the session, didn’t even look at me once. I might as well have not been there. I was invisible. Body language towards me was different. I felt rejected and isolated. During a role-play, discussing ways you could say no to someone, they joked about different answers, and said ‘My granddad died – my other granddad’… and I found that insensitive since that’s exactly what I’m struggling with right now. So I took that personally.

I battled graphic images of what I wanted to do to myself when I got home. In the break I sat in the toilets and decided I would do it. I felt calmer in the second half as I knew I had self-harm to turn to when I got home. I couldn’t get out of there quick enough.

I don’t know if they realise they’re destroying me. And if they realise, I’m not sure they actually care. I have three more sessions. I wanted to spend those sessions making the most of their company, and joining in with the group. But I’ve never felt more alienated in my life. I feel so stupid for ever mentioning transference. I feel ashamed I’m getting worse and harming more. I wanted to be on good terms with them, but now I don’t feel I am, especially since I was totally ignored and blocked out of vision last night. I feel I’ve pissed them off, they’ve had enough of me, they hate me, I disgust them, they’ve given up on me. Which is fine. I’ve given up on myself.

The only good thing is I’m seeing the doctor before the next session, so I can speak to her and decide what’s best for me. I’ll tell her everything and she might say there’s a better service for me. These people are only compounding my problems and leaving me to deal with them alone. This should not be allowed in someone with BPD. It’s dangerous. But I get the sense they don’t give a fuck about that. ‘All lives matter‘, apart from mine apparently. Whatever.

Baby Steps Through Anger.

Baby Steps Through Anger

 

Nobody knows the truth of the last week for me. So I’m going to write it here, to unburden myself.

I struggled at the CBT group session last week. I was anxious, I’d taken a diazepam, I gave a note to one of the therapists asking for them to help me speak out at the start, and she didn’t. I left with suicidal thoughts. A member of the group appeared to snub me on the way out. I went home and self-harmed, couldn’t sleep, considered phoning the Samaritans, but don’t like using the phone, and couldn’t risk no answer. So the next morning texted the other therapist as I had his number, and it wouldn’t require speaking on a phone. I got no answer. This sparked off reminders of the past for me, and many different emotions. Nobody in my life knows how much I’ve been struggling in the last couple of weeks or why.

In total honesty, I went to my session last night, prepared to harm myself or much worse. I felt really angry at the therapists and group… seethingly so. When we started with a grounding mindfulness, this just pissed me off. I couldn’t take part in it properly, as I was fuming. So in the feedback I told them that. I told them that I went away the last week, in a bad state of mind, and although we were told we could talk to them if we didn’t feel safe, I felt unable to, because of the point they kept making about time restrictions. I told them it made me feel like a burden, therefore unable to open up to them anymore. I also said about the text I sent and not getting a response, and how that triggered the memories of the past. I was so upset and angry as I spoke I had to stop and breathe, so I didn’t burst into tears. My voice shook, but these things needed saying, or else I would’ve walked right out of there and not come back. I told them I had thought of quitting the group.

I was commended for being brave enough to say anything, and for being honest. But not much else came from it at that point. I didn’t receive an apology for being ignored. I didn’t feel a resolution on the other issue, so my anger didn’t subside. It bubbled underneath for almost the whole first half of the session.

One good thing was the member of the group who appeared to snub me the previous week, publicly apologised to me for it… which felt awkward and embarrassing for me, as I’m sure it did for them too, but was nice that they had recognised what they said, and what effect it might have had on me.

But the anger towards the therapists kept simmering underneath. At times I felt I wasn’t listening to other members of the group. I wanted so many times, to excuse myself and go outside for a break, as I couldn’t stand looking at the therapists, particularly the one who ‘ignored’ my text. Their voices were pissing me off, and I wanted to get out of there and harm myself. But I sat with the anger, and eventually it did come down, like a wave. I kept telling myself ‘Just make it to the break’… and I did. But just before the break, my feelings were dredged up again by one of the therapists, and I became desperate to get out of there.

As soon as the break started, I headed for the toilets, and sat in a cubicle, trying to calm down by breathing. It wasn’t working. It didn’t feel enough. So I admit, I harmed myself… not quite as badly as before, but enough to need to treat it again. I kept listening out, hoping nobody was going to come into the toilets. And just as I was finishing up, I heard someone coming in and thought ‘Oh shit, not again’. It was the therapist. I told her I was okay and just needed some time away from everyone. I chatted with her through the cubicle door, not giving away what I’d done, all the while trying to bandage my arm back up as quickly as possible, so that she wouldn’t suspect anything.

By the time I came out of the cubicle, someone else came into the toilets, which likely distracted her, so I quickly washed the blood off my hands. She then said either we could have a quick chat and miss the first five minutes of the second half, or she could phone me today to chat, rather than me feeling rushed at the end. I went for the quick chat, as I thought I wouldn’t be able to carry on otherwise.

When we came out of the toilets, the other therapist was lurking, probably concerned I’d harmed myself again, and he wanted to apologise for not responding to the text. He said he didn’t receive one. However he was aware of a ‘multimedia message’, which he thought might’ve been spam. His work phone is an old sort of phone, so probably didn’t even share my number, I assume, otherwise I’d wonder why he wouldn’t open it. He said he wouldn’t ignore me if I was in distress. It was just because obviously my message was too long, and didn’t come through like it would on a more modern phone. Unfortunate. And going to be hard to get over, as it kicked up a lot of shit for me.

I went for my chat with the female therapist, and told her the week I’d had. She recognised that I had faced three situations, effectively in the space of a day, whereby I felt rejected or abandoned, and how that would’ve felt. She confirmed what I had thought about her lack of support the previous week, in speaking out, and said it was because she knew I could do it myself, and wanted me to push myself to do it. This still pisses me off actually, as that’s not helpful to me right now. I needed the support. And now I don’t know if I can trust their motives. It makes me feel more alone.

I went back in the room and felt less angry, but aware of the pain in my arm. But they’ll never know about that. I’ve become good at hiding my pain and pretending nothing is wrong. I even put on a brave and happy front at home. Nobody will know. I guess in a way this shows I’ve gone backwards even more, as my self-harming always used to be very secretive like that.

But last night I decided enough is enough. I put self-care ahead of anything else. That’s why I didn’t stay up and write this blog last night. I put self-soothing and sleep ahead of it. I’m also going to create a ‘Crisis box’… a nicely decorated box, with things in it that can help me in a crisis – colouring book, chocolate, a favourite film, photographs of my Godchildren, and anything else I can think of – with reminders in it of why I don’t want to cut too. I need to stop self-harming. If for no other reason than I’m running out of space! I realise it’s spiralling out of control, and I don’t want to be that person again. I’m ashamed of who I am at the moment, but I need to be self-compassionate in my approach to stopping.

Obviously I can’t carry the box with me when I’m out, but I’m going to try the rubber band technique when I’m outside the house if I get an urge, and dig into the crisis box when I get home if needs be.

I need to look after myself. Nobody else will. Nobody knows I have self-harmed three times in a week – that’s the worst it’s been in many, many years. It’s my secret… though you now know it too…. so I alone have to face the consequences and pick myself back up. Nobody else can do it for me. They don’t know my suffering. I have to be my own therapist, my own best friend and my own carer. It’s either that or give up entirely and self-destruct. But I’m choosing to TRY and get better.

I hope to start sharing more positive news with you soon. But the positive parts I can take from last night, are that I was brave enough to speak out and tell them what I thought, and how I felt. I got apologies and explanations in the end – unfortunate that it was AFTER I had self-harmed. Things could have played out much worse – they could have discovered my self-harm and kicked me off the course… or I could have done it, run out and killed myself, as it played out in my head. So to just harm myself to the level I did, is a small ‘victory’… I’m still here to tell the tale and learn from the experience. I witnessed that anger can subside on its own, which I’ve not really experienced before – I’ve usually reacted and harmed myself to get rid of it, rather than just feeling it. I have come away more determined to stop harming. And I will never take something to harm myself with again, no matter how awful I might feel, and how big a confrontation I sense coming. I will deal with it in a different way from now on.

I want to make the most of the last sessions I have with the therapists. In four weeks I’ll have said goodbye to them forever. This breaks my heart. I don’t want to spend that time being bitter towards them. I want to try my best and take some steps forward. I have to, else this has all been for nothing.

xxxx