Coronavirus & My Mental Health.

It’s a concerning time for everyone right now, with Coronavirus (COVID-19) spreading across the world. Many countries are going into lockdown and confining people to their homes. In the UK people are panic-buying toilet roll, hand gel and paracetamol, and leaving the shelves bare of many other things too.

 

Many events are being cancelled. Social distancing means appointments are being cancelled as well as groups. People are working from home. Social gatherings are being banned. Restaurants are closing their seating areas and becoming takeaways. Schools are closing until further notice. Pubs, clubs, theatres, zoos are closing. We are now effectively in lockdown and can only leave our homes for essential shopping, medical reasons, work or exercise. Groups will be dispersed. People may be fined for ignoring these rules. Initially this is three weeks, but will be much longer no doubt. It’s worrying times.

 

I want to tell you about my own personal worries and how this is impacting my mental health. I really feel for everyone out there right now, who has a mental health condition and is facing the prospect of months of isolation, with no support. I’m with you.

 

Last Tuesday my peer support group got cancelled for the foreseeable future. It hit me really hard for so many reasons. I don’t have friends anymore. That group was the only support I had… socially. They were my only contact with actual human beings outside of my house.

 

In the year or two prior to attending the Wellbeing Centre, I had isolated myself. I didn’t leave the house. I didn’t talk to anyone, besides family. I didn’t have hobbies. I didn’t have goals. Things were incredibly bleak and black. I was on the verge of ending my life. I obsessed about it daily. I felt certain it would happen in the next six months or so. So attending the Centre has helped me tremendously….

 

I felt human again, after being out of contact with other humans for so long. The journals we keep in the sessions helped me to look at things more positively. I found more gratitude. I recognised my achievements. I started wanting to achieve more. This year I’ve signed up each month to walk 25 miles… trying to collect medals for my efforts. I’ve also got back into hobbies such as drawing and poetry. I’ve taken up new ones, like crochet – that’s helped me so much. I love learning all about it. I looked forward to seeing everyone and being able to talk about things with someone. So losing all of that now, it’s really upsetting.

 

It’s made worse by the feelings and I guess a form of attachment I have to one of those taking the group. I’ve battled so hard with that this year, secretly (other than writing about it on here). I’ve talked to the Centre about it. Unfortunately things weren’t left on a great note, as after the last session I had a conversation that sent me backwards in my recovery. I also think I upset the person I have the attachment to, and so didn’t get a chance to apologise for it. (This has changed since writing this – he’s reassured me he wasn’t offended and I’d just misinterpreted his comment…. so that’s okay, even though I wasn’t basing my belief on what he said but rather his body language… so I don’t believe him, but at least that’s ‘resolved’).

 

But now I don’t know if / when I might see him again. I already dreaded losing him one day down the line. But I knew it wouldn’t be just yet. I wanted to focus on the time I had with him rather than thinking about the inevitable loss… but with everything closing down for God knows how long, I’m forced into a ‘loss’ situation with him. I have a sense of grief for being without him. And worse than that I fear for him… I worry something might happen to him. And I worry I won’t get to see him again. I feel silly for caring about him. He’s not mine to worry about. But I do. And I can’t keep him safe. I have no control over if he’ll be okay or not. I won’t even know if he’s not okay. And I miss him already. The thought of weeks or months without him feels unbearable. I wasn’t ready for this. It feels like a darkness that will never end. It takes me to a place I’m scared of.

 

He brought the light back into my life. Even a three week break was too much for me. The light faded. It’s gone again. I fear it won’t ever return. At least I knew after three weeks I’d see him again… now I don’t know when it’ll be. This will be longer than three weeks, I’m sure of it. Without seeing him, having contact with others, or having any friends to talk to during isolation… I don’t see how to survive it. I won’t be the same person at the other end. I know that for sure.

 

I had just started making progress, which unfortunately got ruined a bit last time, but this is going to take me back to square one. It’s the not knowing when it’ll end or what life will be like afterwards… who’ll still be standing. It’s terrifying.

 

Not only that but the three year anniversary of losing my granddad was this weekend just gone, and I needed that support from the group. I needed to go last week and this week. Because nobody supports me online. I’m invisible to everyone online. And I have no friends. So that’s all I had. Also in a couple of months it’ll be the first anniversary of my friend’s suicide. Again, I have no support with that. Nobody talks to me. I needed to know I had the group to hear me. I’ll be all alone with these difficult dates. I’m highly aware of all the loss I’ve faced in the last few years…. and now there’s more loss, of the group and the person I care for.

 

It’s highly likely that every event I had booked up last year, to keep me alive this year will also be cancelled. I’ve got the theatre next month…. was going to see Queen in June and Westlife in July and August – was going to actually see them on my birthday this year – it would’ve been the best birthday ever….. but as usual it was too good to be true… just like last year getting front row seats – that was too good to be true, so my friend who was going with me took her own life five weeks before… turned a dream come true into something to just get through and grieve. I can never have a good experience. It’s true. Something always, ALWAYS ruins it. Every single time. So this takes me to a depressing place where I just think ‘what’s the point?’… Life was hard enough without all this.

 

Add to that the anxiety I feel. Before, my anxiety symptoms tended to happen outside the house – my blinking tic, my palpitations were associated with leaving the house. Now I’m having them at home. The fear of the unknown, the sheer scale of this and all the drama of it, it’s too much to cope with. To someone with anxiety it feels like the apocalypse… for real. I actually said the other day, this is pretty much like an asteroid situation isn’t it….. to which I was told it isn’t – because in an asteroid situation you’d just have to accept that’s it and you wouldn’t survive, whereas with this at least there’s hope and we will survive it. But it still feels ‘end of the world’ sort of stuff. Maybe because of my depression and that it is kind of the end of my world right now.

 

I’m also seriously concerned for loved ones. All of my family would fall into at least one of the vulnerable categories. I seem to be the only one who doesn’t. I’d say at least that’s something. But the thing is I’m not concerned about me getting it. I hate life at the moment. If something happens to me so be it. But losing someone I care about to it? That I can’t do. I can’t lose anything else. I have a very small family. I can’t lose any of them. I would gladly sacrifice myself, catch it and die if it could spare them all. Some of those family members I won’t get to see now. All I can do is worry about them from afar… again not knowing if / when I’ll see them next. What if something happens to them and I never got to see them again? I hope to speak on the phone to the people I care about. I have an older colleague / friend who lives alone. I really feel for her being isolated. I know she will hate it. So I will try and stay in touch with her too. I wish I could do more for them all, but I can’t risk carrying and passing anything on to them. So I have to keep my distance and not go out.

 

I’m used to isolation. Before I went to the Wellbeing Centre I’d stay in my room most of the time, with the curtains closed. I’m not one who typically gets bored. The only reason I’m struggling with the idea is the lack of support and social interaction with real human beings, beyond these four walls. It’s the fact that I had stopped totally isolating myself for about four months…. and now I have to go back to isolating again. It’s demoralising. It makes me wonder if I’ll ever be able to break back out of my shell again one day. I’m not sure I will. It took a lot of effort to get where I did. If I hadn’t been shown the light for a few weeks then I wouldn’t miss it. I would find isolation an absolute breeze, as it was my reality for at least two years! It’s being given something and having it taken away that I struggle to cope with. But I will do my best to cope nonetheless.

 

I’ve decided to make a list of things I can do with my time. I plan to avoid the news, forget the reason why this is happening, and just treat it as an enforced holiday. I will do things I enjoy. I will look after myself and see it as a period of recuperation. Here are some of my ideas:

 

  •  Catching up on sleep!! Anxiety is affecting my sleep cycle at the moment, so I’ll try and get extra sleep and find a routine.
  •  Binge-watching boxsets…. from things like LOST, to Vampire Diaries, Pretty Little Liars, even Dawson’s Creek – many episodes of old shows to watch.
  •  Exercise – if a time comes when I can’t even go out for walks, I can still do exercise – either DVDs or online workouts, or the exercise bike.
  •  Trying to improve my drawing skills.
  • Get back into painting again.
  • Keep learning more about crochet and creating lovely designs. I bought another batch of colours the other day to keep me busy.
  • Playing guitar.
  • Listening to music.
  • Playing old Wii games.
  • Playing online games – on Facebook, Royal Games, Sporcle, or doing all the Escape The Room Games online. There’s lots to be played!
  •  Tidying and cleaning. Necessary stuff.
  • Playing board games with family. If none of us are going out then we can’t pass anything on to each other.
  •  As long as I’m able to leave the house and go to the postbox down the road, I’ll write to those I care about, living alone, and keep them in the loop. Otherwise I’ll just phone them.
  • Writing poetry.
  •  Blogging – on this blog and on my poetry blog. I can find old poems I’ve written and design the banners for each of them, which is fun.
  • Keeping a journal about all of this so that one day when we look back, I can talk about how we got through it.
  •  Learning new skills. I taught myself crochet by watching YouTube videos. I could learn other things too.
  • Brushing up on shorthand now I’ve found my shorthand dictionary.
  •  Losing weight. So that by the time I next see other people I’ll be a whole different person. They won’t even recognise me!
  •  Jigsaw puzzles.
  • Puzzle books.
  • Reading.

 

There’s SO much I can do with my time. I certainly won’t get bored of that. I might just feel a bit lonely. I’ll miss people. I’ll worry for people. But I can keep myself busy. Or not. I can equally just rest and do guided meditations to relax. We do what we must to get through this. And then hope that life can continue afterwards as it was before.

 

Staying at home is no problem for me. That was my life last year and most of the year before. I only went out for appointments or to volunteer. I didn’t see anyone socially. I didn’t go to the shops. I hardly left the house. So in a way it’s no different for me. The way I’m struggling, already, is the thought I might not see people from the Wellbeing Centre for months on end. The light at the end of the tunnel has been snuffed out. Also while I was going out to the Centre and meeting with people, I placed less focus on people online. Now I have no contact and have no friends to chat to, I find myself noticing how invisible I am again. I post and nobody notices. Nobody talks to me. I liked not caring about that for a while. Now I feel very isolated again. It has turned my mind back to things I’d pushed out of my mind – the friend who abandoned me, and the friend who took her own life. Wishing I had both, or either of them right now. I feel very lonely already. It’s forcing me to face all that again when I really don’t want to. I had started moving on.

 

Having experienced a change to the isolation I knew, I now feel it more to have to return to such isolation. It’s like being shown love, to have it cruelly ripped away moments later. With mental illness I find that hope can be dangerous… despair is my life. If all you know is despair then it doesn’t feel as bad as things improving and then getting worse again…. the despair then feels so much worse and like something you can’t survive. It makes you think it’s better to stay down in that pit and never see the sunlight for a moment. You start to fear happiness or hope. The darkness feels even darker after the light.

 

Anytime I’ve looked forward to something, something has ruined it. And just as I started to try and turn my life around this year, this has happened. What’s the point? By the time this is over, most if not all of that work will have been undone.

 

Nothing can replace what I feel I’ve lost at this moment in time. I  fear losing more. But I’ve decided that every Tuesday I will blog about the things I’d normally write in my recovery journal at the Centre. I will list three things or so that I’m grateful for, one thing I struggled with in the week, what I learnt from it, and three things I’ve achieved. It won’t be the same. But it’ll keep my mindset on recovery, gratitude and achievements.

 

It’s taken a while to get this post done. I’ve felt a bit under the weather the last few days. Was worried I had this Coronavirus thing, as I’ve felt breathless and been coughing ust a little bit. But probably just anxiety. I feel better today.

 

Anyway I hope everyone stays safe, follows the advice and rules and you can all find your way through this difficult time. We’ll come through this together. But I fully understand how hard it is for people like us. Stay strong and take care.

 

xxxx

 

 

Poem: Drowning Through Life.

My Prison Soul (1)

 

Drowning Through Life

 

That place between life and death,
That void…
That’s where you’ll find me;
Swimming around in an ocean of emotions
Too immense for the human soul to witness,
Or the human body to contain.
No breaths of relief can be taken here.
I choke on the fluidity of people’s inclination to care,
To stay there,
To see my worth;
I drown in the words unspoken,
Unheard,
The lack of sentiment, the lack of words.
I gulp down indifference
And gargle blame,
Lost in this sea where nobody recalls my name.
Even the sharks that usually circle at the scent of blood
Care little to devour me –
Nowhere to be seen;
Though I bleed profusely from my wounds,
I bleed not red but emerald green…
The colour of envy –
Envious of those who get to live on solid ground
And know not the horror of drowning through life;
Jealousy of those who matter to someone,
Whose cries can be heard and are satisfied
By a love, an interest, a connection,
The warmth of affection –
Not left to the ravaging currents of these ice-cold depths,
Forever a
lone…
My blood is water,
Water, my blood –
My broken heart feeding salt to the sea
Which then in turn reminds me of how those tears came to be.
Can anyone see me here, sinking under the waves?
Am I worthy of being saved?
You’ll see my face in a crowd
But I am not there –
My mind is elsewhere,
In that far-off land – unable to live, not ready to die,
With no-one to help me or to bid me goodbye.
Look for me in between these worlds,
Find my soul;
Please see me
And return me to myself,
Or else
I fear
These days will be my last.

 

 

 

“Happy” “New” Year…

First of all I want to wish everyone a Happy New Year. I hope 2020 is a wonderful year for you all. Thank you so much to everyone who follows my blog, reads it, comments etc. – it all means a lot to me, especially the supportive comments I’ve had in the last year or so… I apologise for not responding to many of them… I’ve kind of closed down when it comes to conversation and offers of help. I’m not used to it, so I don’t know what to say anymore. But please know how much I value the continued support – it really does help.

 

I haven’t blogged in a while. I’ve been trying to quietly survive this horrible thing that is life. I’m unsure which way things will go for me now, but I’m trying my best to endure all the pain and loneliness, however uncomfortable I feel with it all. I figure that’s what life has to be for me from now on…. sitting with uncomfortable emotions constantly… tolerating each moment until the inevitable end.

 

Sorry, I’m not very jolly at the moment. I got through Christmas but the truth is I find the New Year harder. Always have. And with the state of things now it’s even worse. My friend Liv lost her battle with her mental health in 2019…. I should be glad to see the end of this year… but I feel differently about it. It’s like another loss… she lived in this year…. she won’t next year. 2020 will be a year that she never touched. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I’m struggling with my grief right now.

 

It’s all ‘Happy New Year!’ and fresh starts etc…. there is no fresh start for me. I don’t want one. All I want is the life I used to have before I lost everyone. All there is, is a continuation of how I am now. All I have is ‘life goes on’… indeed it does … that’s the worst part for me. Life going on without Liv. Life has done that for nearly eight months now, and I still can’t accept I’ll never talk to her again. She was a very quiet person, but the world feels so much quieter without her. Or maybe I am. I think it’s silenced me. It’s paralysed me mentally. Anything I feel inside no longer shows on the outside. Nobody knows how I feel. They don’t know how close to the edge I am.

Everything is happening in a blur around me. Everything is dark, dull, heavy, lifeless, unreal yet at the same time it’s too vivid, too sharp, too real. Me and life are two separate entities. I’m an outsider looking in… seeing life happen, in a warm, inclusive, jolly … unity – something I can never be a part of again. After all, who would welcome in someone as broken as this? I was a virtual outcast before Liv took her life. I had been abandoned by pretty much anyone I considered a friend. Liv was the only one I had left. I had people I saw more than I saw Liv. We didn’t live that close to each other. But I knew her at least thirteen years. She was a true friend. The best friend I ever had. There was not a single bad thing I could say about her. We never fell out. She always had my back. She never left me feeling invisible. She believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself. She was always there. I will never find anyone as wonderful as she was. And now she’s gone. Forever.

 

Now it’s the middle of winter, and I’m on the outside of a warm get-together, full of laughter, friendship, love. I’m out in the snow, peering through the window, being forgotten… wondering how everyone else can carry on… I watch them… envious of those who ‘belong’ in this world… those who have friends and can find even a shred of happiness at this time… I hold my face close to the window and watch life happening… but my breath fogs up the glass and it all becomes hazy. Still the sound of ‘life’ can be heard from within. I reflect on the days I felt I belonged here. The days I could live in this world. It didn’t last long…

 

Funnily enough most of my good days happened in this decade we’re about to leave. But so did my worst. Which brings me to a round-up of the last ten years…. the highlights, and of course I must honour the low points too… they’ve brought me to this moment.

 

2010-2019

 

  1. I had a group of friends for the first couple of years of the decade. Those were the times I felt I belonged somewhere. We had some really good times together. My confidence grew as a result. I was ‘pool champion’. We spent a lot of time together.  I even tried karaoke! (Never again!!).
  2. I really got into my fossil hunting holidays and had some great finds.
  3. I met Westlife on their ‘last’ London show in 2012.
  4. I’ve since seen them reunite and was in the front row for their London show this year. The first time in the front row!
  5.  I went to France – saw Notre Dame, the Arc de Triomphe, Sacre Coeur, the Eiffel Tower etc.
  6. My brother got married.
  7.  I got to see my best friend get married & was her bridesmaid.
  8.  Also went through the experience of motherhood with her. Became Godmother to her two beautiful children and watched them grow … at least up until the ages of two and four. I was so proud of them. They were everything to me.
  9.  I tried out rollerskating, and discovered it’s not for me – I prefer to keep my feet on the ground. Still have an injury that flares up from falling over.
  10.  Saw the filming of Broadchurch whilst on a daytrip to West Bay.
  11. Saw Take That in my hometown this year, for the first time.
  12. Saw Boyzone a couple of times too – their last tour this year.
  13. Saw Little Mix near where I live.
  14. Shane Filan tours.
  15. Ben Montague gigs – especially fun having the studio gig with a group of us.
  16. The Band musical. Sound of Music. The Nutcracker / Swan Lake On Ice.
  17. Comedy shows – Michael McIntyre and Ross Noble being the best.
  18.  Did the Race For Life a couple of times.
  19.  A few charity events including DeChox for the British Heart Foundation, walking 50 miles in 50 days for Parkinson’s, and other events for this – where with the help of my dad’s colleagues one time, I managed to raise over £300 for Parkinson’s. Also did the Samarathon this year in memory of Liv, to try and raise money for Samaritans, but nobody sponsored me, so that’s a bad point really, but at least I thought to do it, and it motivated me to walk and to keep going in life… for a while.
  20.  Reduced my medication this year. Not a lot, but it’s a step forward.
  21. Went to the Harry Potter studio tour as a Christmas present. Great day.
  22.  My little boys – the gerbils… bonded with them and looked after them several times. Happy to handle animals more now.
  23. Started a blog!!
  24.  Got into politics! Even just this year alone, I went to the Leave Means Leave rally in Parliament Square – great day out – brilliant atmosphere – not at all how it was reported by biased media and lying Remainers. Oh yes, and I managed to not get hit by the moped undertaking traffic near the London Eye – that would’ve been a bad start to that day. I voted Brexit Party for the European elections… chose the Conservative leader and voted for them. Survived all the bullying and hate from the left and stuck by my beliefs. Good will win in the end. We’re on our way to all the wrongs being righted.
  25.  This year I taught myself to solve a Rubik’s Cube – and got my time down from over 15 minutes, to around 3 minutes.
  26. I learnt to make marmalade with my nan this year.
  27. I learnt to knit and got into cross-stitch.
  28.  I gave up chocolate for Lent a few years in a row.
  29.  Got over my fear of dogs, by befriending a Rottweiler!
  30.  Stepped out of my comfort zone, joining online dating site, met someone from there – wasn’t a match. Kissed a stranger at the new year one year… see it as a bad thing actually – it wasn’t a good thing – he was not my type, but just went with the atmosphere and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable with new situations. Regardless of these things I stuck to my morals and beliefs, and am happy with my relationship status going into 2020. Love will wait.
  31. I finally got over a guy who didn’t treat me right. Took too many years, but I got there!
  32.  Took part in poetry competitions and had my poems in some books. Was a rip-off so stopped eventually, but felt like an achievement at the time.
  33. Had a couple of wisdom teeth out under General Anaesthetic and got through the trauma of it.
  34. Phoned the Samaritans three times in the last two years. Was difficult to do.
  35. Asked for help and went to the hospital after self-harming at therapy. Sounds like a negative, but took a lot of courage to do it.
  36.  I finally got round to meeting Liv in person. ❤
  37.  The next time I did so, was of course tragic, but it held with it an achievement – I went all the way to Brighton on my own to the funeral… somewhere I’d never been, and I found my way to the crematorium just in time.
  38. Started volunteering in a charity shop – found a place to ‘belong’… may have lost that a bit in the last couple of years, and probably time to move on, but picked up some skills from doing it. Made me feel human.
  39. Sought help for my mental health – had CMHT assessment, was rejected and sent to Wellbeing Centre, but happy to jump through those hoops for now. Might be the only thing to save me.
  40.  I’ve booked up my tickets to see Westlife near where I live next year, and also at Wembley Stadium on my birthday too. Plus going to see Riverdance next year, and also Queen & Adam Lambert, which I’m looking forward to, as I’ve never seen them before.

 

 

This decade has certainly challenged me. It’s tested me in ways I could never have imagined. It was “character-building”.

There have been far too many negatives, but I’ll just name a few of them… I want the positives to take centre-stage.

 

  1. Had my life turned upside down by a compulsive liar.
  2.  Had my emotions messed about by a guy who was only interested in his ego.
  3.  Lost all of my friends – one betrayed me and took the guy I liked, one turned into a bully, one gave up on me when I was ill and grieving… though I’m starting to understand that situation more now.
  4.  Liv took her own life, five weeks before I was supposed to finally see her again.
  5. My granddad got ill and eventually passed away.
  6. Other family / family health issues that I won’t go into.
  7. A couple of pretty bad breakdowns – one in therapy, one in France, one this year.
  8.  My own health issues (but got treated for it successfully).
  9.  Another of my friends passed away in 2012, and two colleagues passed away this year from cancer.
  10.  I lost my Godchildren from my life.

 

 

These are just some of the worst aspects of the last decade. ‘Life’ really did happen to me  in these years. Most of the bad things and the lessons learnt from them happened in the last three years.

 

This year has been challenging. I am feeling pretty hopeless, despondent and broken at the moment. Today isn’t a good day. It never is for me. The thought of having my discussion group at the Wellbeing Centre this morning was all that got me through Christmas and made me think I could survive the New Year too. But they never responded or confirmed it was on today, so I didn’t go. The one day I really needed that branch of support and everyone else probably went to it, but nobody told me about it. So I now have to get through tonight, get through a whole other week before I can talk about how awful things are right now.

 

I’m triggered and reminded of my IAPT experiences, because they never responded to me either. They never did the things they said they would. So this year is ending on a negative note. A very negative one. I already have trust issues with mental health services. They’ve blown it already. Splitting on them now. I really needed their support today, and I just got forgotten instead. What a time for that to happen…

 

There’s nothing ‘new’ about the New Year. Things will never change for me. I’m always invisible. I’m always left out of the loop. My mind assumes why that is and that people don’t want me around. That I wasn’t told about the group today because they didn’t want me there. Mental health workers should be given better work phones as they don’t ever seem to work when I contact them. It’s ridiculous and they have no idea how much this has triggered me. My mind is too sick to recover, because even mental health services mess it up and feed into my paranoia and self-worth issues. I can’t win. So happy Tuesday people. Wednesday will be just the same as today. Please can this all be over now? I’m not strong enough for any of this.

 

Sorry, this ended up differently to where it started. Wrote the first part yesterday, but today has seriously messed me up. Going to take my emergency meds today / tonight and try to just survive it. Then I’ll either have it out with them or consider whether I want to put myself through all this heartache again.

 

If you can enjoy the New Year then do, but if you can’t then stay safe, and hopefully talk to you on the other side. A new decade. I hope yours will be better than mine looks to be. All the best xxxx

Forgotten & Fading.

So this week has consisted of me feeling extremely depressed, suicidal and isolated… reaching out about how I feel and getting zero back…. contacting my doctor because the chemist said there was a shortage of my medication, only for the surgery to then tell me the chemist have my owing medication in (nice of them to inform me!)…. talking to someone on Twitter about politics, only for them to come  back saying ‘Sorry don’t know you (etc.)’ as if to say ‘I don’t know you so your opinion is irrelevant to me’… ‘Who are you and why the hell are you talking to me?’… oh and then today expecting a call from the Job Centre – they never called.

 

So to sum it up – I feel entirely invisible. Whilst waiting for my phone call I started wondering if I am in fact real…. or if I’m dead… I even started thinking maybe I’m actually a figment of someone else’s imagination.

 

Facebook ‘friends’ didn’t notice my pain or me needing them.
The chemist didn’t see fit to tell me my medication was in.
First person I try and converse with in ages is like ‘Don’t know you’.
And the Job Centre forgot our appointment.

Oh yes, and it feels like the Wellbeing Centre have also forgotten I exist… that or they think I’m too messed up for them to help. I was told it’d be a 3 or 4 week wait until I hear from them…. it’s been 6 and a half weeks so far.

 

With my best friend abandoning me this year too, it just feels every single person on this planet has given up on me. They’re all rejecting me, forgetting me, blanking me. It’s almost impossible to not take that personally when you’re as ill as I am. I feel I don’t exist… and when I don’t want to exist, it only pushes me closer to that reality.

 

But hey, in good news… yesterday I finally left the house…. I may have plotted my demise on my long walk home. But at least I got out.

 

The loneliness, the grief, the powerlessness, the silence… it’s all hurting too much. I’m really not okay… and nobody even asks me how I am anymore. Nobody knows how bad things are for me, because they don’t talk to me. They don’t want to know.

 

I’m spending most days not looking after myself – eating or drinking enough. I have headaches every day at the moment. I often can’t sleep – I’ll be wide awake at 2/3am, unable to turn my mind off… unable to even move because of the mental paralysis caused by my emotions and memories. And then I can’t wake up in the morning… it’ll go 10am before I wake up. I can’t work. I hardly ever go out. I’m just trying to tolerate every hour of every day and just survive. I’m always inches from the edge. I had a breakdown yesterday, because I have so much pain and loneliness inside. I have to keep it all to myself. I hate myself. I hate life. I feel so disconnected. I can’t cope. I try and hold it all inside and then it bursts out when I’m alone.

 

I’m in limbo at the moment. And I’m invisible too while I’m there. And in agony. I’m slipping through the fingers of faith. There’s no hope for me, only blind faith that something or someone will help me at some point…. and I just have to hold on until that point…. I’m losing my grasp every day. It’s almost too late. I can feel it. And I don’t care anymore. I just want the peace of feeling nothing… thinking nothing… remembering nothing. This isn’t the life I was born into. I don’t know how to live it. But for now ‘survival’ is the best I can do. I just hope at some point one person in my life will stop ignoring my pleas for help, and will notice me, save me and give me a reason to live again. I really don’t want to right now.

 

 

 

A Black Day.

*Depressing post, mentions suicide. Bad language also*

 

 

Today’s a black day. A sickeningly lonely day. A day of remembering. A day I’m paralysed by life. A day I can barely move for the bleakness in my mind. Although I’ve been pretty motionless today, it intensely contrasts the state of my mind today. It’s a very loud kind of day…. too much to think / feel and no way of releasing it…

 

So here I am yet again, speaking into the void of the internet… feeling as flat as a pancake. Sitting in the dark, having barely moved all day…. not seen anyone all day. Here I am writing stuff that could never save my life, as it’s all so disconnected from the people in my life who I need to care. Nothing can change the way things are.

 

I cannot have my best friend back. I will never understand what the hell I did to deserve to be ditched in such a callous way. I will never forgive it. I will never recover from it. I will never get through what I’m now going through, because of it.

 

I will never get over losing Liv. Not being able to talk to her ever again in my life. Knowing that she’s gone for good. That I should’ve known and done something. I never got to see her again. I’ll never be able to say all the words I should’ve said, and I’ll never understand what happened and why.

 

I have nothing left.

 

The loss I feel is too intense. Over ten years ago I was starting to come out of my shell. I went from having no friends or connections, to feeling accepted by people. I was doing DBT, I had three individual friends, then a group of people…. I was finding confidence… I even did karaoke during one strange phase of my twenties…. wine was needed though. But I belonged. I felt normal. Men were occasionally attracted to me. They were pretty much all jerks who only wanted one thing from every girl, but this also made me feel better about myself to start with.

 

2012 all of that changed overnight….. I went from having a social life to virtually nothing…. most of my friends hurt me. The guy I liked hurt me. I lost everyone but my best friend.

 

Life changed. No more social life. No more getting out meeting people or building confidence. My life became about my best friend and her impending child… the blessing… the one thing that kept me alive through that awful time of betrayal and loss. Life then became about her and her family… I became Godmother to her two lovely children. They were everything to me. Life was different though… it took a lot of adjusting to.

 

One of my old friends reared her ugly head in 2016, driving a wedge and thread of doubt between me and my best friend. And then my granddad got ill and passed away eight months later. I almost lost another family member to a heart attack in that time. Life became so real seemingly overnight. Until then I never believed I’d lose anyone in that way. Suddenly life was a waiting room… waiting for the next person to die. It was a scary, dangerous and uncertain world….. I needed certainty and stability around me in the form of friendship. I didn’t have this.

 

Last year my friend was so absent from my life. I could literally feel the abandonment in every cell of my body. I was right to feel that way. Voicing my fears only sped up the process… that’s the most sickening part. Due to grief and mental illness I made mistakes. I wasn’t in control of my thoughts or actions. It was terrifying. She held it against me. We fell out. I  extended an olive branch at Christmas but was totally snubbed.

 

This year she wouldn’t make up her mind if she wanted to try and save our friendship or not…. I deserved better than that. In the end I had to make a decision for the sake of my mental health and paranoia. I had to take a step back by unfriending her on Facebook – that way she was free to write what she wanted and it wouldn’t affect our friendship or my mental health. I never got to unfriend her. I told her my intention and the reasons and she immediately blocked me. She blocked any way of me ever reconnecting with her. She made it so I couldn’t message her or re-add her when I feel better (which I never will now). She made it permanent. She made it perfectly clear that she wants nothing more to do with me and never wants to hear from me again. She moved house without telling me a thing about it. I found out through someone else on Facebook.

 

My bond with my Godchildren is broken now, forever…. you can’t get back two years, not at that age. They won’t remember me. But I have to live in this world for the rest of my life having lost them. And I fucking hate my ‘friend’ for doing that to me, at a time I’m grieving my first loss and also the loss of my only other friend to suicide. It’s unforgivable. I cannot live life now because of this. It’s too much loss. I have nothing left.

 

The pain I feel in my heart, thinking about the early days with my God-daughter…. holding her for the first time at a few days old…. seeing her smile at me for the first time…. her learning to walk…. her trying to say my name…. to having actual conversations with her. The bond we had…. it’s gone, forever…. all I have now are photos and videos – and they just break my heart now. My friend would never appreciate this, but losing them was the closest thing to losing my own children. I may never have kids… especially if I’m right that I won’t even be alive in a year… but I loved them like they were family. So to have them ripped away from me, because of some unknown issue between their mother and me – something I don’t even fucking understand myself, it’s not fair. It’s not right. And I violently hate that woman right now. She has destroyed any remnants of my life.

 

I have had identity issues throughout my life, as part of my illness… I’ve gone from being a loner, to having a social life, to not having a social life but having the responsibility of my best friend’s kids, to losing them all – at a time I’m experiencing the most traumatic loss and grief I’ve ever known. I’m left with no friends or support. I don’t know who I am anymore. I’m nobody. I’m nothing.

 

I had this last year… I expressed to my friend that I had lost ‘fun Lily’… I didn’t know how to be ‘fun Lily’ for the kids anymore – because I hadn’t seen them for six months at that point. I felt I wasn’t good enough to be around them if I couldn’t pretend to be okay, which I seriously wasn’t okay…. The remedy would’ve been my friend saying they’d love me whatever, and helping me to find that part of my identity again. She didn’t. She did the opposite. She took it as me not wanting to see them anymore. And she didn’t see me either. So I ended up misunderstood and isolated. Forgotten. Neglected. Abandoned. I kept losing more and more of my identity as a result. Now everything I had is gone I feel there’s nothing left of me. I have nobody to remind me of who I am either.

 

Living with BPD without a support network is fucking impossible. I can’t do it. I want to scream right now. I close my eyes and see violence. I see myself raging inside – smashing things up… tearing my skin off and that of others…. deafening the world with the pain I feel…. I want to make the whole world know how far from okay I am. I contain it most of the time. I wish I didn’t. It’s hell.

 

Nobody talks to me. Nobody replies to me. I don’t exist. Life is awful. I feel too much pain. I don’t want to carry on. Nothing changes. Yet everything has changed. I’ve lost everything. And no amount of talking about it will change that or make anyone else pay attention or care about me. They just don’t and never will.

 

I’m hanging on now, just waiting to see if the Wellbeing Centre will be able to help me. That’s all I’m living for right now.

 

I even give up on ‘Brexit’ now. I hoped I would get to see how it turns out… that I’d still be alive to see us leave the EU. I don’t think I can hold on that many years. If it’s overturned I’ll be going anyway, as it’ll show just how irrelevant I am. But even focusing on Brexit doesn’t help anymore. I’ve got to the point I feel none of it matters…. nothing matters, as I won’t be around much longer. I’m just weary of everything. Nothing feels right.  I want everything to stop.

 

Even when I was on holiday I thought about walking out to sea…. I didn’t want to come home to the reality of life. I’m hanging on but I have nothing to hang on for. My life is empty. The way my ‘best friend’ treated me has left me hating myself, hating her, feeling powerless and frustrated. I have no way to let that out other than to blog or self-harm. This is my existence now. I’ve been using stars on a calendar to mark days I don’t self-harm. I’m good in that there’s only been one day this month, so far, where I haven’t earnt a star. The trouble is I struggle so much with the level of despair and sadness I feel today – that’s harder to cope with than just anger….. it’s an incapacitating emotion and usually leads to me feeling suicidal. Anger can be released and let go of…. this state of mind can’t.

 

Days like today I wish ‘happy pills’ existed…. nothing else would lift my mood right now. In the past with friends I’ve lost, my ‘revenge’ would be me moving on and forgetting them – but I always had other friends to move on with and was able to forget and find happiness. This was my best friend…. my only real friend and she turned her back on me, for reasons I don’t understand at all…. Liv is gone… I have no other friends. It’s impossible to put on a front and get my revenge by moving on. I can’t move on. I have nothing to move on to… nowhere to turn and nothing to survive for. I’m too ill to move on. I want revenge. I hate that I want revenge. I’m not a nasty person. But I’m fucking hurt, and I don’t understand why this all happened. It’s not okay and I have no way of moving on or communicating with her or anything. I’m fucking stuck, and she knows that. That’s why it’s so vindictive of her to cut me out like that. She knows what it would do to me. And she didn’t give a fuck. So I no longer give a fuck about her. I want to move on and be happy and for her to regret losing me but that can never happen. So I have to go for hating her at this point. My only other options for myself when I close my eyes are extremely graphic and disturbingly violent ones.

 

I just wish I could take a pill and forget everything and everyone I’ve known and lost. A pill that makes me happy, and makes me able to trust people therefore form new friendships. I wish I had friends. I cannot survive without any. I used to be in this state, but having had years of friendships and support, and a sense of belonging, I cannot go back to this level of isolation…. too much has happened in my life for me to be able to survive without friends. But any friends I had either hurt me, ghosted me or died. I can’t take anymore pain or loss. I can’t trust anyone. I don’t believe I’m even likeable anymore let alone lovable. And life is loss… therefore life is pain. I can’t face that pain alone. So how am I meant to live in this world?

 

 

 

 

I’m Sorry.

*Strong suicide theme – don’t read if feeling unsafe yourself, please*

 

I keep hearing Liv say to keep writing, and that my blog was good for her as my friend, to help understand how I’m feeling. That I should use it however I want to… it’s my space etc. – but I’m seeing other bloggers and I’m thinking how positively they write. I feel ashamed of my blog. I feel it’s so negative. I wish so much I could be positive and helpful to others.

I’m just struggling so much with life myself. And the reality is I have absolutely nobody I can talk to about that. So I write on my blog. I know those in my life won’t read it. The only one who ever did was Liv. She said she always read my posts. I miss her so much right now. Again, I have nobody to talk to about that. My doctor is the only person I can be honest with about everything, and I can only see her once a month.

I just feel the walls closing in around me at the moment. Even having told the doctor things nobody else knows about how dark things are for me, they’ve only become much darker since my last appointment a week ago. I’m scared where this is going to end. I’ve never felt more alone or scared in my whole life. Everything is a complete mess. There is nothing good left in life. There is no ‘life’. It’s just pain and grief… so much loss…. and just pure despair.

The only people I want and need to talk to, are the same people who are either gone from this world or abandoned me for being ill. My heart is so broken by it all. I wish it would stop beating. The only people who even notice my existence are my closest family. To be born into a world where only they would notice me not being here, is to never have really existed. It’s such a waste. To have made no difference to anyone’s life…. not a positive one anyway. I hate myself so much. I hate other people. I hate everyone who just threw me away like I was nothing. How can I ever recover from what they all did to me?

When Liv took her life, it was too much to bear. I got in touch with my former best friend who abandoned me, as I just couldn’t take having lost them both. It made no difference. I even got told by her husband it doesn’t mean things going back to normal….. just like she had painfully said to me that nothing would ever be the same now. I don’t understand why not – all I did was be mentally unwell last year…. how does that warrant treating me differently from now on? It’s not my fault. Why am I being blamed and persecuted for being unwell?? It doesn’t matter how much pain I’m in, how ill I am or if I didn’t even exist anymore. She’s decided I’m the villain in all of this and I deserve to be punished by her withholding friendship from me. She’s killed me.

And Liv’s gone. Nothing can change that. Nothing can make that alright. I have to carry that with me forever. I feel angry, because things were hard enough for me without this. But then I’m also angry that even with this added to the mix, nobody cares, not even my former best friend. Nobody can see how close to the edge I am… it’s almost as if they don’t want to acknowledge that suicide can get passed down the chain. Even people without mental illness can feel suicidal after losing someone to it. I was suicidal before losing her. Enough things had broken me and made me want to give on living. But I’ve talked about my suicidal feelings too much and done nothing about it, so people don’t believe me anymore. That’s why I’m not talking to people anymore. What’s the point? Nobody takes me seriously anymore. Nobody understands or cares. I know the occasional person on my blog might, and I’m so grateful to those people for noticing me. But I need people in my life to see me and save me. I’ve given up on it though. They’d have to read my blog to hear anything more from me. Any they don’t care enough to do that. And if they did then they don’t care enough to reach out to me and ask if I’m okay. If my former friend didn’t want me to end my life then she should’ve thought about that before abandoning me at a time like this.

I feel so alone. So lost. So entirely destroyed. I can’t be fixed anymore. I mean it. Nothing can make this okay ever again. I feel sick all the time, and numb from the pain. Not numb enough. Things were extremely dark before Liv died but I could still imagine light at the end of the tunnel one day…. the tiniest bit of light. Even if I couldn’t see how to reach it.  But now…… I’m sealed in a dark tomb. I can’t get out. I see nothing. I’m struggling to breathe under the weight of darkness and nothingness and utter pain, and nobody will reach out a hand and help me out. Nobody will show me the way towards the light again. I wouldn’t believe it existed or that I could ever find it again, even if they did, but nobody’s even tried. They’re all just leaving me to rot in that tomb, all alone. I just want the darkness to kill me now. I’m as good as dead and buried already and everyone treats me as though I’m a ghost. So why can’t it all just end? I’ve had enough.

 

And that’s what I mean about feeling ashamed of this blog. Because instead of breaking stigma, helping others and showing my journey to recovery, I’m basically documenting my downfall into nothingness. I’m laying bare my breakdown. And what’s killing me right now is that Liv isn’t here to guide me. I just need her so much right now, and she’s not here and never will be again. And I don’t even have anyone else to fill that void. I have nothing and nobody. It hurts too much. She’s the only person I need to talk to right now. I don’t know what to do.

I’m sorry. I’ll stop writing here. I can’t see anymore, having cried writing the whole damn thing. I don’t know the purpose of this. I just had to let a little of my pain out somehow. And no, I don’t feel better for it. But I’ll do what I can to solve that for tonight. Don’t want anyone to worry about me imminently… not that I believe they would. I’m sorry, I hope I haven’t triggered anyone. I was going to switch to a new blog – a positive one.  A fresh start. But I can’t be positive at the moment. Maybe I should truly suffer in silence… total silence… I don’t want to upset others with my feelings.

Hope everyone’s okay. Keep safe. I’ll try my best to as well. It’s just becoming harder every day to do, especially feeling so alone.

xxxx

 

 

 

Ripped Away.

*Suicide trigger*

 

 

 

This is one of the lowest points of my life. There have been many ups and downs, which so far I’ve managed to negotiate and struggle through. It’s different this time.

 

I’ve pulled myself out of dark places in the past… but I always had a reason to. I always had someone to help me… I’m talking about people outside of the family. When people hurt me or ditched me in the past, I always had someone who really seemed to have my back.  But now I don’t. I’ve had two major losses this year. Losing my best friend for God knows what reason – as far as I can tell, it’s because of my mental illness. And the other rock of mine, taking her life. I knew them both a couple of years off half my life. Now there’s nothing. I’m invisible. I don’t exist. I’ve lost those who I thought cared about me. I’ve lost my Godchildren. I’ve lost who I was.

 

I have no purpose. I have no reason to live. I have nothing to pull me through. When I lost my group of ‘friends’ in 2012, I still had my best friend. Now I’ve lost her, and I don’t understand why…. and I have nobody to help me with that. Liv’s gone.

 

I’m finding that hard to deal with today. The reality that she’s gone. And I should’ve done something to help her. I didn’t know things were that bad. I didn’t see her calling out for help. I was too wrapped up in my own hell. I should’ve been there for her. I let her down. Now I’ll never get the chance to make up for that. Because she’s not coming back. I have to live with the guilt of this forever. I have to live with the fact that I never got to see her again.

 

I’ve come out of darker times, to slightly less dark times before – I’m not sure I’ve ever fully seen the light again. But I’ve made progress. But this time I have to face it alone. And I’m having to pull myself out of places so dark I can’t even describe them. There are no words anymore. Nothing does the pain justice. Even the word ‘pain’ is inadequate. ‘Broken’ is inadequate. Any word to describe my emotions right now can’t come close to the level of what I feel. I feel, yet I don’t feel at the same time. I don’t feel real.

 

I’m praying for my heart to actually stop beating. To fully break and never work again. I want to wake up from this nightmare. The reason I can’t recover from this now is because I’ve seen too much of hell in the last two or three years…. I can’t un-see that. I live in a different world now. I don’t know anything anymore. And I have no anchor. I have no friends. I don’t have my rocks anymore. I am beyond lost. I am floating, and feel sick from the motion. I want my mind to break. I need to hit rock bottom now. I need to stop functioning. I need to stop thinking and feeling and hurting. I need it all to stop.

 

This can’t be my life. It isn’t fair.  I was someone who only wanted someone to love and to love me in return…. I got played, to the point I don’t believe in love anymore. I wanted friends, having grown up without any. They all destroyed me. I just wanted to not lose my best friend… I thought she deserved better than me, and was happier without me… I thought I was being replaced…. I didn’t want to burden her with my illness…..  I lost her…. she obviously agreed….. she is happier without me…. I was replaced…. and I clearly did burden her. I just wanted the love and support of my friends to help me through my grief and breakdown…. I got neglected and abandoned instead. The one person keeping me alive after all of that, ended her own life…. when I was feeling suicidal myself. And nobody is there for me through it. I’m constantly crying out for help. I don’t exist to anyone. I’m dead. And I’m just a burden to others.

 

All I’ve ever wanted was people to care and to love me… and to let me care about and love them. I’ve wanted people to not give up on me and leave me. And that’s all they’ve done. I wanted to matter, and I don’t. I wanted to be a priority for once. I never will be.

 

All I know is pain. Sadness. Loneliness. Abandonment. Betrayal. There is no happiness. No peace. No hope. I have nothing now. The world is so quiet, yet it goes on around me as though I’m not here.  But I feel distant. I feel dazed and in my own world, where all that exist are my thoughts and the hollowness in my chest, and the sick feeling in my stomach, and the tightening of my throat, and the tears in my eyes. And I sit here and pray for life to stop. Why can’t I just ‘give up’ on living and my heart just stops by me just willing it to? That’s what I want. I have no fight left in me.

 

I can see no recovery, because everything I thought was going to be in my future, has been ripped away from me this year. In the past I’ve at least been left with something… but I really have nothing.

 

There is nothing good about my life. I’ve achieved the grand total of nothing. I have no legacy to leave behind…. not like Liv. She did so much good, and she was so loved. I’m nothing and nobody.

 

I’ve started rationalising doing what Liv did. I’ve started telling myself I know it would hurt my family…. but a part of that would be for the future that is lost with me….. for all I could’ve been and done and had…. but that’s never going to happen anyway. I’m never going to have the life I wanted. I’m never going to find someone to love me, and have children with. I’m never going to be successful and make anyone proud. There’s no big loss…… in fact it would just ease the burden on everyone, to not have to worry about and care for me.

 

I’ve really never felt this low, and I’m completely isolated through it. I’ve been left in the dark. And that’s all there is. And all there ever will be now. ‘Who cares if one more light goes out?’ … this one wouldn’t be missed.

 

My mind has given up. My body is giving up. I feel paralysed, like I’m sprawled out on the floor, shattered, and can’t move, with the weight of everything bearing down on me. But time keeps ticking and my damn heart keeps beating. I can and often do stop the clock from ticking by taking the batteries out…. if only I could do the same with my heart. Either way, life goes on. And that’s the cruellest thing about life, for the grieving and the mentally ill…. life goes on, around us…. we’re left alone, living in pain for a lifetime, because nobody is really with us through everything. Nobody can understand how we feel.

 

The only thing that could’ve helped me was to have people step up and throw everything into helping me … caring…. worrying…. helping me see a glimmer of light again…. but there’s nobody to do that now. It’s silence. It’s black. It’s dead. I’m floating in the vacuum of space. And nobody can hear my screams.