Poem: Him.

Him

 

Him

 

The intimate eyes I’ll never see,
The hand I’ll never hold,
The lips that never will meet with my own,
The love I’ll never be told.

The smile that doesn’t belong to me,
The arms that will not hold me close,
The heart that does not beat for me,
The soul I crave the most.

The secrets I will never know,
The life I cannot share –
Any other time or place
Life may not be this unfair.

A candle in my darkest depths,
A light to guide my way,
A reason to keep holding on
To stay and fight another day.

Inspiration to create,
To open up and to give,
A hope there’s purpose in the pain,
Encouragement to live.

A longing for requited love,
Sorrow when we part,
The rules are keeping me at bay,
And another owns your heart.

Tragically only mine to lose,
A tear falls from my eye…
You only came into my life
For another sad goodbye.

 

Liv

RIP Lovely Liv

 

 

There are some things in life we so desperately don’t want to be true, and yet they are. On Wednesday night I learnt that a good friend of mine, Liv, had lost her fight with her inner demons, and had taken her own life. I will be writing about my feelings and grief separately, probably on my other blog about grief. I want to dedicate this post to Liv and the wonderful woman she was and will always be remembered as.

 

Lovely Liv,

 

My heart is completely broken. I can’t process the fact you’re gone and I’ll never see you again. I’ll never hear from you again. You were one of the best friends I’ve ever had. We only ever had the chance to meet once in this lifetime, in 2012, at the last Westlife concert we both went to. But I knew you for over twelve years… I forget exactly how long, but I knew you as long, if not longer than I knew my best friend. We were on a forum together – I adopted you as my ‘Little Sister’. Kiran was my ‘Purple Pot Plant’ and Lanny was my ‘Sparkly Donkey’. Oh such silly times! We bonded over our shared love of Westlife. We started a thread about them, and always defended them against those who said it wasn’t ‘cool’ to like Westlife.

You were always so supportive of me. I forget whether I was ever as helpful to you as you were to me. I don’t know if it’s normal to remember the love you received from someone, and to think you never did enough for them in return… We’d always chat about things, if not giving support then talking about Westlife – it was our shared hobby!

One day we decided to add each other on Facebook, and suddenly we could put a face to a name. You became a real person to me, and I to you. I remember you saying ‘You are very beautiful x’…. I just wish you could have seen your own beauty and what an incredible person you were inside and out. You called me ‘Lovely Lily’… to me you were and always will be ‘Lovely Liv’. I’m so sad I have to live the rest of my life without you here.

You always gave such brilliant advice if I needed someone objective to talk to, and you never once made me feel like a burden. You had such a giving, kind and generous spirit, that you’ll be remembered for… I just wish life had been kinder to you. You deserved the very best in life. It always rains hardest on those who deserve the sun.

You are the only person who was ever consistently there for me through everything. The only person who never once gave up on me. You always saw the good in me, even when I couldn’t see it in myself. You understood my illness and never thought badly of me for it. Thank you.

On the first anniversary of my first loss, you were the only person who said anything to me, to let me know I wasn’t alone. I spoke for too long about ‘nobody being there for me’, and because I closed my account at the time, I forgot that you were… I didn’t put enough emphasis on the fact that you were the only one there for me. I’ll never forget the part you played in my life and how you never let me down.

You were the one person who never made me feel invisible. You frequently said you read all my blogs and watched the videos I made. You kept encouraging me to write about my feelings – that my blog was my space to be myself and write my truth, and that others can choose to read it or not. Whenever I felt discouraged you would always know what to say to get me to open up again. I will keep writing, for you… I just wish you were still here to read my posts and talk to me.

I feel so alone now. After losing my best friend from my life, you were the one I was closest to. The one who talked to me and commented on things I posted. I feel empty without you. It feels pointless being online, as nobody talks to me… nobody will care as much as you did. I feel so lonely and broken, and I don’t have you to turn to anymore.

You were the one who helped me through my grief. You used your experience to tell me what to watch for, how to treat myself and to reach for help if I needed it. You were full of so much compassion and empathy, something I wish you could’ve shown to yourself more. I wish you were here now. I need your guidance and words to help me deal with the loss of you. I have nobody else to guide me through this. It’s new territory for me too. I’ve never lost anyone to suicide. It’s throwing out new emotions for me. It’s scary. I don’t know how to get through it, not without you.

I saw you in 2012 at Westlife, and I was set to see you on the 14th June to see them again, together this time… we would’ve been in the front row for the first time ever… we were so excited to be going together. You said you couldn’t think of anyone you’d rather be going with. I felt the same. Now I don’t know if I can go… not without you. You should be there. I have nobody else to go with now. It was hard enough to have to go and see them, as I used to go with my best friend… this would’ve been the first time not going with her. But I was okay, because I was going with you, another super-fan! Now I have to go alone or not at all. My life is very small… it’s been getting smaller for the last couple of years. I’m heartbroken you won’t be there with me if I go.

 

 

Liv (1)

 

I can’t believe how excited we were…. we were planning to meet before the concert to have something to eat or look around. The original plan was to find somewhere halfway between where we both live and catch up a few weeks before, but that changed to being on the day. I wish we’d met up now. I never got to see you a second time. And you’ll never see Westlife again. I know some would say I have to see them for you. That you would want me to go and to enjoy it… I just don’t feel that way yet. My world is in chaos without you now. I feel lost, confused and too broken and numb to look forward to something like that now. Just seeing about their tour makes me start crying again.

I’m so sorry that you were in that much pain to do something like that. I wish I had known. I should have known. But I was too wrapped up in my own despair – that I wasn’t really talking about either. My mental health had really slipped in the previous couple of weeks. I’m sure there must have been signs you were not okay. I feel so guilty for missing them.

I was in shock when I found out… I thought you were so happy. You were the happiest I’d seen you in a long time. You had your new job that you were so proud to have. You’d moved house. You had your partner and your doggy who you loved to pieces. It wasn’t fair that this had happened at the best time of your life. I couldn’t understand it. But that’s the thing with mental illness… we often can’t see what’s going on underneath it all. I have no doubt that you were happy. That was real. You’d found love, a purpose, a place in the world. Maybe your demons told you that you didn’t deserve any of it. Who knows? That’s the worst part about it. I’ll never know the reasons. Suicide leaves people with so many unanswered questions. It’s a different sort of grief. Nothing can prepare you for that.

Lovely Liv… you had such an impact on this world in your short life. I hope you know that. You can see it through the outpouring of grief and love online… on Facebook, on Twitter – you trended on Twitter on Wednesday… that’s how loved and valued you were. You touched so many lives and your passing has brought together so many people, with a shared appreciation of everything you are and everything you’ve done. All our hearts are broken as one. Your memory will live on forever. You were a great advocate for mental health and did so much work with the police, talking about your experiences of being detained, and your suicide attempts in the past. You only have to see the tributes from the police force and all those in the mental health community, to see how valuable you were to them, and they will make sure they use what you taught them, to make improvements in the future for others… that will be your legacy.

I wish this hadn’t happened. I wish you were still here. I’d do anything to have you back. A part of me is missing. You can’t ever be replaced in my heart. There will never be anyone like you. You had a fantastic sense of humour, you were a clever, beautiful, special and inspirational woman. I was lucky to have met you, and so proud to call you my friend. You gave me hope and kept me going. You were my rock. And I don’t know if I ever told you the words ‘I love you’… but I did, I do and I always will xx

You couldn’t find peace and love yourself in life. I hope in Heaven, with your mum by your side you find that peace, and know only love. I’ll miss you forever, and though it hurts too much right now, I’ll try and live for you, knowing you’ll be by my side and always in my heart. Rest in peace Lovely Liv. Sleep tight my wonderful friend, until we meet again.

Lily xxxx

 

 

 

All I Wanted Was…

All I wanted was my best friend back.
That’s all I wanted.
To know she cared about me, worried about me, and appreciated me.
To have her reassurance…
To feel safe in our friendship….
To know she wasn’t going anywhere…
I needed that stability and safety…. my world had collapsed after my first loss.
I needed to know she wouldn’t abandon me when my mental health deteriorated.
I needed to know I could count on her.
I wanted her to love me at my worst, because that’s when I needed her most.

 
I wanted my best friend to research my illness.
I wanted her to try her best to understand BPD….
And the concepts of paranoia, splitting and trauma.
To do this much for me, as I would for her.
To learn how to better support me and preserve our friendship.
To not hold my illness against me.
To understand why I am the way I am.
And why I do the things I do.

 

I wanted to see my Godchildren – the reason for me living.
I wanted my friend to help me find that lost part of me again.
I had lost faith in myself and thought I wasn’t good enough for them.
I needed my friend to help me see this wasn’t true.

 

I wanted to be a part of their lives… to watch them grow up.
I felt so proud watching them learn new things.
It’s been 15 months… so much has changed. They will not remember me.
I wanted to continue being there for them for the rest of my life.
I pictured the future with them. Now that future is gone.
And I will never see them again.
It’s not like a divorce where both parents see the kids.
I have no rights.
No way of seeing them.
I’ve lost them forever.
I’m heartbroken.

 

I only wanted to matter to my best friend.
For her to want to talk to me, to see me, to fight for me.
For her to not turn her back when I needed her most.
For her to ease my fear that I was being replaced.
I wanted her to understand how worthless I felt…
That I didn’t feel I deserved her.
That I was scared of losing her.
I wanted her to ease my pain, not add to it.
All I wanted was for my best friend to not be like the rest of them.
To apologise and make amends.
To not blame it all on me.
To use the difficulties to make us stronger.
To prove to me that bumps in the road don’t mean the end.
To make me feel safe to be honest with her if I felt hurt.
To not just give up on me at the first hurdle.
To not ‘ghost’ me and walk away making me think she hates me.

 
All I wanted was my best friend to show me empathy and compassion.
Even if she couldn’t understand my illness.
I wanted her to tell me words I needed to hear –
“I care about you”
“You’re my best friend and always will be”
“I miss you”
“I love you”
“I’m so thankful to have you in my life”
“I’m not going to leave you”
Is it too much to ask for caring words whilst suffering?

 

All I wanted was my best friend to make effort for me.
To send me a note that she’s thinking of me.
To ask how I am.
To give me a photo of us, to remind me of our bond.
To send some flowers.
To invite me for a coffee.
Anything to let me know I existed and mattered to her.
To match my efforts.
All I wanted was for my best friend to notice how hard I was trying…
To cope with my illness. Alone.
To cope with my first major loss. Alone.
To sort things out with her, despite my illness, even though she had given up on me.
All I wanted was to feature on my best friend’s list of priorities.
I knew I was nowhere near the top anymore.
But I wanted to feel I mattered on some level.
I wanted to not feel like a burden to her.
I honestly believed I was.
I wanted her to treat me otherwise.

 

All I wanted was to put my mental health first.
For my friend to put my mental health first.
For my friend to agree it was important.
For her to understand why I had to make the decision to step back.
For her to realise if she couldn’t make a choice then I had to.
That it wasn’t fair to string me along.
That it didn’t mean we couldn’t talk.
That she overreacted by blocking me.
All I wanted was my friend not to hurt me.
Not to block me.
Not to remove herself from my group after finding out it would hurt me.
Not to reconnect with the one person who came between our friendship before.
To stop doing these things she knows would hurt me.
To stop doing these things TO hurt me.
To want to ease my pain, not cause it.

 

All I wanted was my friend to put thought into how to make it up to me.
How to resolve things with me.
To focus on that, and not do anything further to jeopardise it.

 
I just wanted to be fought for.
To matter enough to my best friend to not let me go without a fight.
To matter enough to just one person, to not simply give up on me.
As though I’m worthless.
Nothing.

 

I wanted to be able to live life.
I wanted my friend to wish the best for me in life.
I wanted my best friend to care whether I live or die.
For her to stop doing things that push me closer to the edge.
I felt she actually wanted me to kill myself.
I wanted this to not be true.
I wanted her to do anything to have me as her friend.
I wanted to believe I meant as much to her as she did to me.

 

Most of all I want this all to be a nightmare.
To wake up and have my best friend back.
And for none of this to have happened.
I want to be okay again.
I want to not be alone.
I want trust.
And hope.
I want peace.
And I want the pain to stop.

 

 

 

Poem: Footprints In My Dreams.

Footprints In My Dreams

 

No sight can be seen, so bittersweet
As your footprints in my dreams.
The soothing sound of your footsteps
Walking the labyrinth of my mind all night,
Searching for my weak spots –
Sweet memories, unresolved feelings, desire.
You sing your lullaby straight to my heart
And I fall all over again.
You whisper my name so beautifully,
Caressing my soul with your shy, loveable smile.
You speak of love … with love,
And we both know it’s forbidden
But the truth cannot remain hidden …
I know it,
You know it.
Your affections cannot walk the daily plane of existence;
It can never be in this life,
I have my illness; you have your wife.
But somewhere inside you dwells a seed of a feeling,
An intrigue,
A wish.
For things to have worked out different to this.
You cannot sleep at night
So you stray into the realm of dreams,
Wandering through my mind,
Hoping to find some hope or chance
To share with me, one kiss, one romantic dance,
One single moment to be alone
And make it known
You miss me too.
Dreams of you bring pain,
But only in the waking world –
It’s why I’d sleep forever if I could,
For when I am with you, life is good.
A part of you is with me always,
You’re a treasure locked within my heart.
And as nobody is aware, they can never rip us apart.
Only I can choose to let you go …
I never will.
I adored you once and I love you still.
Come meet me in my dreams,
Each night if you may,
And tell me all the words we never got to say.
As fate has sent us our separate ways,
We now must love in dreams.

Six Months Ago To The Day, I See You Again.

 

Six months ago to the day, I said goodbye to you. I walked out that room knowing your life would go on but I’d never see you again. It crushed me. I finally let the other members of the group know what had been eating me up for all those weeks. It was good to unburden myself. Keeping it a secret for so long was so painful and lonely. Yes I was embarrassed, but you can’t help who you have feelings for.

That night was a terrible one. I wanted to die. It was the first time I called and spoke to the Samaritans. I guess the theory was that if I could get through that night then things would gradually get better… that with time I’d forget you existed. I haven’t. I’ve never forgotten. I think of you every day. I tend to be in denial that I’ll never see you again. I escape in my mind sometimes, to a fantasy land where I have you in my life. I even dream of you. Time will never heal the way I feel about you or about this loss.

I was thankful that my therapist didn’t ask me about you today. I didn’t want her to know that I haven’t dealt with or overcome my feelings for you. I didn’t want to have to talk about you, as I knew I’d likely get upset. I don’t talk about you anymore. I’ve locked you up inside. Nobody can get to you there…. nobody can rip you from my heart. It’s enough that you were ripped from my life, but I have to know there’s a place inside me where I can keep my feelings for you. I won’t be told it’s not real. I won’t be told to get over it and move on. This is my heart. These are my feelings, and nobody can take you from my mind. I won’t let them.

After my session I went into the shops… got to the end of an aisle, and as I came out of that aisle, you came into it… a foot to the right and I would literally have bumped into you. I looked at your eyes, then looked away, only to do a double-take as I realised it was you…. but when I looked back towards you, you stared straight ahead. I don’t know if you saw me and chose to avoid me, whether it’s policy to not acknowledge past ‘clients’ out in the world, or whether you just didn’t see or remember me.

It kicked off so many emotions in me. It shocked me. It brought a sense of happiness to me, that I’d seen your face again. Sadness that you hadn’t said hello. Pain, in remembering I’ll never speak to you again. Excitement in wanting to spot you again. Fear and anxiety that I might spot you again. I quickly got what I needed and got out of there. You probably did the same once you saw me. I didn’t see you again.

I’d say it churned up my feelings seeing you again, but they never went away. All it did was make me question if I really did see you, or if it was my mind playing tricks on me, showing me what I wanted to see. I wish I could have at least said hello to you. But the fear of ‘rejection’ got the better of me. I realised I’m a nobody to you. I can’t expect you to remember who I am or how I felt. And perhaps you were relieved six months ago, to never have to see me again. Perhaps seeing me today filled you with dread. It certainly wasn’t expected.

I was going to meet someone and get the train, and I couldn’t wait to get there. It felt too overwhelming, the appointment I’d just had, and then seeing you. I still feel churned up. I did this visualisation thing when I got home, where I ‘unscrew my mind’ and I poured my thoughts, memories and feelings into a jar, took the jar outside and released them in the garden. But who am I kidding? You’re still in there. You never leave. I might be able to forget the unhelpful things said to me in my therapy session, and how they made me feel, but I cannot forget you. Part of me wishes I could get over it as easily as you therapists seem to think people recover… I wish there was a pill I could take to forget I ever met you. But the rest of me doesn’t want to forget you. That part of me wants to remember you, and to be able to slip away into a make-believe land when I choose to, to be with you there. It’s better than the reality of never seeing you again. At least in my imagination I have something to live for.

I still remember that dream of you the other day, where you said if we’d met a few years earlier, then maybe… You kept lurking, talking to people near me. My friend told me you liked me. Funnily enough this dream took place in Sainsbury’s  – I saw you in Sainsbury’s today! Odd coincidence… I had to wake myself up from that dream, even though it was a good dream… I had to groan my way out of it, as though it were a nightmare, because it was heart-breaking that it was only a dream. I became aware it was just a dream and didn’t want it to continue if it wasn’t true….. I was quite upset upon waking up. I wrote it down so I could remember.

I know it’ll make me sound weird, and nobody understands it, but I need to say it… for my own peace of mind….. and to acknowledge how I truly feel…… I miss you. There’s so much more I could say, but let’s leave it at that. I miss you, and it hurts.

 

Always in my heart…
Lily x

Poem: Tiny Fingers.

 

 

Tiny fingers grip your own;

Mine grasp the pen I last held in your presence.

Your heart is full of pride, and love unimaginable;

Mine full of torture and despair.

You hold a fragile life in your arms and kiss it goodnight;

I hold a thousand hopeless wishes, and kiss my arm with the knife.

Tears of joy you shed…

The tears I cry are crimson red –

The colour of love, and that of pain.

If I could bleed you out and cleanse my veins

Of the stench of you I would;

I would drain you from my memory if I could,

But I can’t, my soul is latched;

My heart is irrevocably attached.

You’ve a future before you, a life-long adventure;

I’ve no wish for a future in which you do not feature.

I’m a hazy memory now – distant, vague;

You’re my ghost every waking minute, distressingly vivid.

Please take my life, I do not want it, I cannot live like this –

Knowing I’m forgotten by the one soul I miss.

Comfort and soothe me, then lay me down to sleep,

And then warn your child to avoid my path and don’t fall in love so deep.

Protect them from this sorrow,

From it I could not be saved.

Oh to be that child, your world, your everything,

With a whole life safely within your heart.

I’d never lose you, until the day of parting came,

And then I’d meet you in Heaven.

But that shall never be…

We are strangers, drifting further each day,

Not even Heaven will save you for me.

I stagger on without you, broken for all eternity.

I hold this pen, these words I write,

As you tuck your little one in at night…

Those tiny fingers grip your own.

I cling to love… and I love alone.

World-weary.

 

 

*Depressing post, mentions suicidal thoughts*

 

 

I will be totally honest… I don’t feel safe. I am world-weary. I have had enough of life. It has become too much to bear. Too real. Too painful. Too bleak. There’s no purpose to my existence. No joy. No excitement. Even the things I ‘look forward to’ are flatter than they used to be.

Life changed when my granddad died. Nothing has felt the same. It’s all felt pointless. Mundane. It feels like now I’m just living, waiting for the next person I love to die. I find no real enjoyment in life.

I see people all around me, smiling and laughing, holding hands, kissing, travelling, socialising, getting married, having children, living life…. and then there’s me. Stuck. Paralysed by depression, grief and heartbreak. Everything is dull. I seriously haven’t ever seen so much darkness. I can’t see a future for me. I feel I’m going to be alone forever. I feel like a failure. I don’t want to do anything anymore. I don’t want to work. I don’t want to socialise. I don’t want to exist right now. I’m tired of the same old same old, every single day – wake up, resist getting up, eat food, do nothing/work, think about everything, watch TV, eat food, overthink, cry, sleep, repeat. Okay, it’s not quite like that, but you get the idea. There is nothing bringing me joy in my life. I don’t have a partner, a companion in life. I don’t have children. I don’t have a social life.

Right now I’m not even sure I want those things. But without them I don’t want to live anymore. I wish that the therapist I was transferring on could’ve said to me “You will find someone, you won’t be alone forever”... or something to try and fix me. Now having a broken heart about him, feeling I will never find anyone like him, it depresses me. I think ‘what’s the point?’… If I’m always going to feel this hollow and alone, what is the point in life? Even my hobbies I don’t enjoy at the moment. The only thing I can bring myself to do is writing. And that’s just to purge the negative thoughts and feelings so I don’t act on them. But I feel really close to acting on them.

I can’t explain this feeling. I’m holding on for the sake of my family right now. That’s all. If I didn’t have that emotional tie I would go. There’s nothing for me to hold on to anymore. I feel I’ve lost everything. I know I haven’t, but right now it feels like I have. I don’t feel my life will get any better. I don’t feel I will ever meet someone I can call my own. I feel like I’m always going to be depressed and in pain. I’m never going to receive the help I need to pull myself out of this hole and recover. I was given all the ‘help’ I could be given and it wasn’t enough, it made me worse. I am alone with this now. And it hurts too much. I want it all to stop.

Everything feels out of control. I feel powerless. I feel I’m just going through the motions, doing what is expected of me. This is the first point in my life I’m blindingly aware of my depression and really struggling with it… because in the past when I felt like this I had support. I had professional help. Now I have nothing. I had a crappy IAPT service who made me go backwards in my recovery, and told me to phone the Samaritans. Where is the actual support, for people who don’t want to do life anymore? How could they leave me and let me get to the point I don’t want to live anymore?

I don’t know how to pull myself out of this darkness. I can’t do it. I’m not even sure I want to do it anymore. I’m tired of fighting and surviving. I want a reason to enjoy life again. I want to be saved. I want to mean something to someone out there – not because they’re related to me, but because they couldn’t imagine their life without me in it. I want hope. I want to not hate myself. I want kindness, compassion, understanding, commitment and sustained effort. I want the sunshine. I want a reason to smile. I want a reason to stay alive. But right now…. I can’t see any of that happening.

Life is so different now. The world is changing. I’m losing people I don’t want to live without. My mental health is only getting worse. I don’t know how much longer I can deal with feeling this way.