Coronavirus & My Mental Health.

It’s a concerning time for everyone right now, with Coronavirus (COVID-19) spreading across the world. Many countries are going into lockdown and confining people to their homes. In the UK people are panic-buying toilet roll, hand gel and paracetamol, and leaving the shelves bare of many other things too.

 

Many events are being cancelled. Social distancing means appointments are being cancelled as well as groups. People are working from home. Social gatherings are being banned. Restaurants are closing their seating areas and becoming takeaways. Schools are closing until further notice. Pubs, clubs, theatres, zoos are closing. We are now effectively in lockdown and can only leave our homes for essential shopping, medical reasons, work or exercise. Groups will be dispersed. People may be fined for ignoring these rules. Initially this is three weeks, but will be much longer no doubt. It’s worrying times.

 

I want to tell you about my own personal worries and how this is impacting my mental health. I really feel for everyone out there right now, who has a mental health condition and is facing the prospect of months of isolation, with no support. I’m with you.

 

Last Tuesday my peer support group got cancelled for the foreseeable future. It hit me really hard for so many reasons. I don’t have friends anymore. That group was the only support I had… socially. They were my only contact with actual human beings outside of my house.

 

In the year or two prior to attending the Wellbeing Centre, I had isolated myself. I didn’t leave the house. I didn’t talk to anyone, besides family. I didn’t have hobbies. I didn’t have goals. Things were incredibly bleak and black. I was on the verge of ending my life. I obsessed about it daily. I felt certain it would happen in the next six months or so. So attending the Centre has helped me tremendously….

 

I felt human again, after being out of contact with other humans for so long. The journals we keep in the sessions helped me to look at things more positively. I found more gratitude. I recognised my achievements. I started wanting to achieve more. This year I’ve signed up each month to walk 25 miles… trying to collect medals for my efforts. I’ve also got back into hobbies such as drawing and poetry. I’ve taken up new ones, like crochet – that’s helped me so much. I love learning all about it. I looked forward to seeing everyone and being able to talk about things with someone. So losing all of that now, it’s really upsetting.

 

It’s made worse by the feelings and I guess a form of attachment I have to one of those taking the group. I’ve battled so hard with that this year, secretly (other than writing about it on here). I’ve talked to the Centre about it. Unfortunately things weren’t left on a great note, as after the last session I had a conversation that sent me backwards in my recovery. I also think I upset the person I have the attachment to, and so didn’t get a chance to apologise for it. (This has changed since writing this – he’s reassured me he wasn’t offended and I’d just misinterpreted his comment…. so that’s okay, even though I wasn’t basing my belief on what he said but rather his body language… so I don’t believe him, but at least that’s ‘resolved’).

 

But now I don’t know if / when I might see him again. I already dreaded losing him one day down the line. But I knew it wouldn’t be just yet. I wanted to focus on the time I had with him rather than thinking about the inevitable loss… but with everything closing down for God knows how long, I’m forced into a ‘loss’ situation with him. I have a sense of grief for being without him. And worse than that I fear for him… I worry something might happen to him. And I worry I won’t get to see him again. I feel silly for caring about him. He’s not mine to worry about. But I do. And I can’t keep him safe. I have no control over if he’ll be okay or not. I won’t even know if he’s not okay. And I miss him already. The thought of weeks or months without him feels unbearable. I wasn’t ready for this. It feels like a darkness that will never end. It takes me to a place I’m scared of.

 

He brought the light back into my life. Even a three week break was too much for me. The light faded. It’s gone again. I fear it won’t ever return. At least I knew after three weeks I’d see him again… now I don’t know when it’ll be. This will be longer than three weeks, I’m sure of it. Without seeing him, having contact with others, or having any friends to talk to during isolation… I don’t see how to survive it. I won’t be the same person at the other end. I know that for sure.

 

I had just started making progress, which unfortunately got ruined a bit last time, but this is going to take me back to square one. It’s the not knowing when it’ll end or what life will be like afterwards… who’ll still be standing. It’s terrifying.

 

Not only that but the three year anniversary of losing my granddad was this weekend just gone, and I needed that support from the group. I needed to go last week and this week. Because nobody supports me online. I’m invisible to everyone online. And I have no friends. So that’s all I had. Also in a couple of months it’ll be the first anniversary of my friend’s suicide. Again, I have no support with that. Nobody talks to me. I needed to know I had the group to hear me. I’ll be all alone with these difficult dates. I’m highly aware of all the loss I’ve faced in the last few years…. and now there’s more loss, of the group and the person I care for.

 

It’s highly likely that every event I had booked up last year, to keep me alive this year will also be cancelled. I’ve got the theatre next month…. was going to see Queen in June and Westlife in July and August – was going to actually see them on my birthday this year – it would’ve been the best birthday ever….. but as usual it was too good to be true… just like last year getting front row seats – that was too good to be true, so my friend who was going with me took her own life five weeks before… turned a dream come true into something to just get through and grieve. I can never have a good experience. It’s true. Something always, ALWAYS ruins it. Every single time. So this takes me to a depressing place where I just think ‘what’s the point?’… Life was hard enough without all this.

 

Add to that the anxiety I feel. Before, my anxiety symptoms tended to happen outside the house – my blinking tic, my palpitations were associated with leaving the house. Now I’m having them at home. The fear of the unknown, the sheer scale of this and all the drama of it, it’s too much to cope with. To someone with anxiety it feels like the apocalypse… for real. I actually said the other day, this is pretty much like an asteroid situation isn’t it….. to which I was told it isn’t – because in an asteroid situation you’d just have to accept that’s it and you wouldn’t survive, whereas with this at least there’s hope and we will survive it. But it still feels ‘end of the world’ sort of stuff. Maybe because of my depression and that it is kind of the end of my world right now.

 

I’m also seriously concerned for loved ones. All of my family would fall into at least one of the vulnerable categories. I seem to be the only one who doesn’t. I’d say at least that’s something. But the thing is I’m not concerned about me getting it. I hate life at the moment. If something happens to me so be it. But losing someone I care about to it? That I can’t do. I can’t lose anything else. I have a very small family. I can’t lose any of them. I would gladly sacrifice myself, catch it and die if it could spare them all. Some of those family members I won’t get to see now. All I can do is worry about them from afar… again not knowing if / when I’ll see them next. What if something happens to them and I never got to see them again? I hope to speak on the phone to the people I care about. I have an older colleague / friend who lives alone. I really feel for her being isolated. I know she will hate it. So I will try and stay in touch with her too. I wish I could do more for them all, but I can’t risk carrying and passing anything on to them. So I have to keep my distance and not go out.

 

I’m used to isolation. Before I went to the Wellbeing Centre I’d stay in my room most of the time, with the curtains closed. I’m not one who typically gets bored. The only reason I’m struggling with the idea is the lack of support and social interaction with real human beings, beyond these four walls. It’s the fact that I had stopped totally isolating myself for about four months…. and now I have to go back to isolating again. It’s demoralising. It makes me wonder if I’ll ever be able to break back out of my shell again one day. I’m not sure I will. It took a lot of effort to get where I did. If I hadn’t been shown the light for a few weeks then I wouldn’t miss it. I would find isolation an absolute breeze, as it was my reality for at least two years! It’s being given something and having it taken away that I struggle to cope with. But I will do my best to cope nonetheless.

 

I’ve decided to make a list of things I can do with my time. I plan to avoid the news, forget the reason why this is happening, and just treat it as an enforced holiday. I will do things I enjoy. I will look after myself and see it as a period of recuperation. Here are some of my ideas:

 

  •  Catching up on sleep!! Anxiety is affecting my sleep cycle at the moment, so I’ll try and get extra sleep and find a routine.
  •  Binge-watching boxsets…. from things like LOST, to Vampire Diaries, Pretty Little Liars, even Dawson’s Creek – many episodes of old shows to watch.
  •  Exercise – if a time comes when I can’t even go out for walks, I can still do exercise – either DVDs or online workouts, or the exercise bike.
  •  Trying to improve my drawing skills.
  • Get back into painting again.
  • Keep learning more about crochet and creating lovely designs. I bought another batch of colours the other day to keep me busy.
  • Playing guitar.
  • Listening to music.
  • Playing old Wii games.
  • Playing online games – on Facebook, Royal Games, Sporcle, or doing all the Escape The Room Games online. There’s lots to be played!
  •  Tidying and cleaning. Necessary stuff.
  • Playing board games with family. If none of us are going out then we can’t pass anything on to each other.
  •  As long as I’m able to leave the house and go to the postbox down the road, I’ll write to those I care about, living alone, and keep them in the loop. Otherwise I’ll just phone them.
  • Writing poetry.
  •  Blogging – on this blog and on my poetry blog. I can find old poems I’ve written and design the banners for each of them, which is fun.
  • Keeping a journal about all of this so that one day when we look back, I can talk about how we got through it.
  •  Learning new skills. I taught myself crochet by watching YouTube videos. I could learn other things too.
  • Brushing up on shorthand now I’ve found my shorthand dictionary.
  •  Losing weight. So that by the time I next see other people I’ll be a whole different person. They won’t even recognise me!
  •  Jigsaw puzzles.
  • Puzzle books.
  • Reading.

 

There’s SO much I can do with my time. I certainly won’t get bored of that. I might just feel a bit lonely. I’ll miss people. I’ll worry for people. But I can keep myself busy. Or not. I can equally just rest and do guided meditations to relax. We do what we must to get through this. And then hope that life can continue afterwards as it was before.

 

Staying at home is no problem for me. That was my life last year and most of the year before. I only went out for appointments or to volunteer. I didn’t see anyone socially. I didn’t go to the shops. I hardly left the house. So in a way it’s no different for me. The way I’m struggling, already, is the thought I might not see people from the Wellbeing Centre for months on end. The light at the end of the tunnel has been snuffed out. Also while I was going out to the Centre and meeting with people, I placed less focus on people online. Now I have no contact and have no friends to chat to, I find myself noticing how invisible I am again. I post and nobody notices. Nobody talks to me. I liked not caring about that for a while. Now I feel very isolated again. It has turned my mind back to things I’d pushed out of my mind – the friend who abandoned me, and the friend who took her own life. Wishing I had both, or either of them right now. I feel very lonely already. It’s forcing me to face all that again when I really don’t want to. I had started moving on.

 

Having experienced a change to the isolation I knew, I now feel it more to have to return to such isolation. It’s like being shown love, to have it cruelly ripped away moments later. With mental illness I find that hope can be dangerous… despair is my life. If all you know is despair then it doesn’t feel as bad as things improving and then getting worse again…. the despair then feels so much worse and like something you can’t survive. It makes you think it’s better to stay down in that pit and never see the sunlight for a moment. You start to fear happiness or hope. The darkness feels even darker after the light.

 

Anytime I’ve looked forward to something, something has ruined it. And just as I started to try and turn my life around this year, this has happened. What’s the point? By the time this is over, most if not all of that work will have been undone.

 

Nothing can replace what I feel I’ve lost at this moment in time. I  fear losing more. But I’ve decided that every Tuesday I will blog about the things I’d normally write in my recovery journal at the Centre. I will list three things or so that I’m grateful for, one thing I struggled with in the week, what I learnt from it, and three things I’ve achieved. It won’t be the same. But it’ll keep my mindset on recovery, gratitude and achievements.

 

It’s taken a while to get this post done. I’ve felt a bit under the weather the last few days. Was worried I had this Coronavirus thing, as I’ve felt breathless and been coughing ust a little bit. But probably just anxiety. I feel better today.

 

Anyway I hope everyone stays safe, follows the advice and rules and you can all find your way through this difficult time. We’ll come through this together. But I fully understand how hard it is for people like us. Stay strong and take care.

 

xxxx

 

 

I’m A Ghost, Waiting For Death.

*Swearing*

 

 

Hello? Is anybody there? Am I even here? That’s how I feel now. I’ve always felt a deep sense of loneliness… it comes with the territory of having an illness most people could never understand. It comes with growing up without friends – socially isolated… bullied. It comes from never being loved or having someone to love. It comes with being abandoned by everyone you ever trusted.

But the loneliness I feel now is extreme. I want to scream because of how isolated and invisible I feel. I want to end my life because I don’t exist to anyone else anyway so what’s the difference? I feel frustrated and powerless. I can’t get anyone to notice me…. to care…. to talk to me. Nobody will put in effort for me, and there’s nothing I can do to get them to do that.

I started thinking about all these times I’ve done charity walks etc. and asked for sponsorship…. only two of my friends have ever sponsored me for anything. One was my friend who abandoned me this year. The other was my friend who took her life. So there’s nobody now. So why the hell I decided to do these events when I’m not going to raise any money for charity I really don’t know. And now I’ve signed up for the damn Race For Life next year too, in memory of two of my colleagues who passed away a couple of weeks ago to cancer. Who’s going to sponsor me?? Exactly. Nobody. I’ll have to sponsor myself! That or pull out. I’m doing a walk for Samaritans at the moment in memory of my friend who ended her life. I really thought people might sponsor me, as they knew and loved Liv. I thought they’d do it for her if not for me. I thought she mattered to people. I know I don’t. But I thought she did. I’ve not had a single sponsorship. And it’s impossible for me to get any. I keep asking, but nobody even talks to me anymore, let alone would sponsor me. I’m over halfway through this challenge, and I’m thinking what is the bloody point? Why the hell am I doing this? I’ve raised no money. It’s not making me feel better in terms of my own mental health – it’s making me feel worse because I feel utterly invisible. Which makes me feel so upset that Liv isn’t here, as she was the only one who ever made me feel like I wasn’t invisible. Feeling invisible is the one thing that makes me feel suicidal the most. I’m not an attention-seeker. I don’t crave the limelight. Not at all. But do you know how it feels to go through life ignored, avoided, as though you don’t exist? Nobody should have to feel that way.

It’s like when people didn’t sponsor me for a couple of events that were in memory of my granddad…. I took that personally… it felt like they didn’t recognise his worth… that they didn’t care how I felt, and about my grief – add to that nobody being there for the anniversary date. It felt like they didn’t acknowledge what he meant to me, and this tribute to him. It felt like a snub to him …  like they were saying he was nothing. That really hurt me. So I’m feeling the same now. I’m feeling like people have forgotten Liv, the friendship I had with her, the grief I feel, and they’re not supporting me or acknowledging her worth or my tribute to her. I’m going to have to sponsor myself!

It’s making me feel so painfully alone and despondent. I just want to give up. Not just on these stupid charity events I do (which I only do as a sign of my love for those I’ve lost, and to help me with my grief – but it doesn’t help when nobody cares enough to sponsor you!)… but also giving up on life… on people… on everything.

I am NEVER going to matter to anyone. I am going to be this alone forever. I have nobody now. And I don’t care if acquaintances take offence at that anymore. I don’t have close friends, it’s a fact. I have the odd person who will occasionally ‘like’ or comment on something on Facebook. Other than that I don’t exist in their worlds. I can give care and concern to others, even whilst in deep shit myself, and that goes ignored too – it’s as if I said nothing…. I can reach out and say I’m not feeling good…. it’s ignored….. I’m ignored all the time. All the times suggestions were made to meet up… didn’t materialise. Even the person I met at a gig, we said we’d look for each other online… never happened. Obviously didn’t want to know me. I’m irrelevant. I’m nothing. And the one person who would read that and tell me I’m not nothing, is gone. And nobody gives a damn that she’s gone and that I’m alone now, and can’t cope with this pain.

I feel alone. I feel friendless…. because I have nobody stepping up to be my friend. This is how I felt all last year, and instead of understanding that I felt I didn’t have friends because of how they were treating me, my best friend interpreted it as me saying I didn’t want her as a friend anymore. THIS IS HOW FUCKED UP MY WORLD IS!

I’m not coping with the fact she abandoned me based on choices she made as a result of that misinterpretation. I was alone. I was grieving. I was having a breakdown. She interpreted things wrongly and neglected me as a result. Then when I reached out from my bubble of isolation, to explain how I felt, she took it as an attack and took a swipe back at me, hurting me at a time I just needed her love, support and friendship. I then put in effort to make amends with her when it should’ve been the other way round all fucking year… and she snubbed me. She then couldn’t decide if she wanted to sort things out with me or not, so I had to take a step back for my mental health until she could decide. She didn’t seem to like this, blocked me, removed herself from my group, added the ‘friend’ who bullied me and drove a wedge in our friendship three years ago, unblocked me to show support when I lost Liv, but re-blocked me when I showed doubt – because I was scared she would hurt me again, at a time I couldn’t deal with it. But her blocking me a day after I found out about Liv, caused me a lot of hurt. So I had to deal with it anyway!

And now I’m struggling to live in this reality. Because it feels so surreal. The one person who inspired me to keep on fighting, writing, and to not end my life, ended her life. That can’t be undone. I’m left to grieve her totally alone with so many unanswered questions, as to how, why, could I have done something? Did she suffer? Did she regret it? Did she really want to die? The person I need to talk to about all this is Liv. I can’t. I never will again. This is reality.

My best friend is now a stranger. She blocked me so I can’t contact her. She’s moved house… I don’t know where to. I can’t write to her. It’s like she’s cutting me off slowly. I can’t believe this is where we are. I’ve not seen her in over a year. I’ve not seen my Godchildren in 18 months. This is reality.

Life has changed so much. In some ways I have too, but not really…. I’ve had to because I have nobody left to care… I have nobody to remind me of who I am. I’m hardening up…. closing off. But I’m still me, and I desperately need friends. But I need friends who actively want me in their lives. It may seem like I don’t put in effort for other people, but that’s because there was a time I did nothing but put in effort for other people, and I never saw an ounce of it back. I was taken for granted. I was used. I was unappreciated. There were unbalanced and unequal friendships / relationships, my trust was broken, I was let down too many times… it has an effect. Eventually you stop trying for other people and you need them to try for you. The last couple of years have been like that for me. Except everyone’s refused to step up and put that effort in for me. So I have to accept loneliness, because I’m clearly worthless. I’m unable to put in the effort myself at the moment, for a couple of reasons – one is what I just said, that I am sick of being taken for granted, putting in effort and being the only one to care… but also because of all the loss I’ve had lately. The grief. Isolating and depression are part of grief. You need others to reach out to you and suggest a coffee, a walk, active help. But the trouble is I don’t have any friends who like me enough to do that. If I do they don’t live anywhere near me. But even just talking to me, asking after me, making me feel visible…. they could do this, but rarely do. I think I might as well come offline. I go on so that I don’t feel as alone as I am… and end up feeling even worse. It feels like all my attempts to connect to others and feel less alone… they always backfire and I end up feeling I’m not even real.

It’s just this thing that I think if I was anyone else people would bend over backwards to support me, to care, to spend time with me. But it’s me. And I don’t matter. I’m an awful person, so nobody wants to talk to me. I’ve felt this way for so long now, that if anyone talks to me now, I think ‘What’s wrong with you?’, ‘Why are you talking to me?’ ‘What are your ulterior motives?’… It’s like on the first anniversary of my first loss. The only person who said anything to me was Liv. Everyone else ignored my posts about it. Nobody reached out saying ‘thinking of you today x’ or anything like it… not even my best friend! Whereas when other people post about their losses / anniversary dates they get the support… loads of it. I guess it’s my fault for not having hundreds of ‘friends’… I choose the ones who I would think of as actual friends… the people I could trust.  The ones I care about. The ones I hope would care about me and not judge me. So I don’t have a wide range of people to talk to. So that would reduce the amount of support I could get. But how hard is it to make someone feel visible every now and then? Really…?

That’s why it has to be me. It has to be something fundamentally wrong with me as a person. People don’t like me. They might not hate me – they’d have to have once cared about me in order to have enough energy to hate me. I’m just nothing.

Adam ghosted me like I was nothing.
Evan strung me along like I was nothing.
Joe treated me like I was less than nothing.
Sam let me go like I was nothing.
Hannah treated me like I was a ‘negative’ blob of nothing.
Gill stabbed me in the back like our friendship, and I was nothing.
Lou turned her back on me like I was nothing.

Everyone else stays silent in the face of my pain, my grief, my loneliness, my loss… they ignore my desperate pleas for help…. as if I’m nothing. 

I have been conditioned over the last ten years to believe I am nothing. Now the one person who ever challenged that thought for me abandoned me when she left this world. And I have nobody to talk to about that loss. My best fucking friend isn’t here to support me through the worst thing that’s ever happened. Because she decided to hurt and abandon me in the lead-up to it happening. Just like she did in 2016 before my granddad got sick… and 2017 when he passed away. Her actions are so tied up in my feelings of grief, I find it hard to grieve either of my losses without feeling angry at her. She should be here, being my friend. She should’ve apologised and at least tried to make things better between us, not just given up…. as though I’m nothing.

Why world? Why are you all so intent on breaking me? Why do you keep trying to make me feel like I’m nothing and the world wouldn’t even notice if I wasn’t here anymore? I’ve got that message, okay… I got that message years ago…..you don’t have to keep on.

I just wish people in my life would understand that this is how I feel… I feel I don’t exist, I shouldn’t exist, nobody cares, I’m worthless, I’m nothing…. this is what is behind every thought, word and action in my life. I wish they’d stop being offended by me saying how lonely I feel and how I don’t have friends. If people want me to stop saying that then maybe they could start acting like friends, and stop treating me as though I’m invisible. One day I will be, and they’ll wish they’d done more to show me I wasn’t as worthless as they all made me believe I was.

I’m not in a good place at all mentally anymore. I can’t even see ‘recovery’ anymore. There’s no chance of that whilst feeling so isolated and having so much pain and loss to contend with. The world has destroyed me and I’m finding it hard to want to live in it anymore. Every reason I had to live is being taken from me one by one…. I’d hoped doing these charity walks would give me some reason to keep going…. now they’re just highlighting how alone and unimportant I am. I am a ghost, drifting around in hell. This is reality. And nothing can change my reality. Not anymore.

 

 

 

 

Life Of Loneliness.

*Suicidal feelings discussed*

 

 

I feel gut-wrenchingly alone. I’m caught between just accepting this is my lot in life, and total despair and suicidal feelings as a result.

 

I have had a lonely life. When I was a child I didn’t have friends as such. I had a lot of difficulties with friendships growing up. My friends either left and went to another school or they just didn’t last. I also had an issue that whenever I felt people were getting too close I’d apparently push them away and the friendship would fade away… I say ‘apparently’ because I do not remember my childhood. I remember snapshots – usually the bad things that happened in my life. I remember standing alone at lunchtimes, at the side of the playground, watching everyone else having fun because nobody wanted to be my friend. Nobody wanted me around. I was the good girl who worked hard… I was shy and quiet and didn’t smile very often… so I was ‘different’ to all the other kids. I remember having to practically beg to tag along with people – this was at the age of 10 or 11… no child should have to do that…. no child should feel that isolated and desperate. I was socially excluded by my peers. I feel sickeningly sad about that to this day. I had friends abandon me and replace me – when I was about 8 or 9 this happened with my best friend – she replaced me with the girl who bullied me.

 

Throughout the rest of school and college I hardly had any real friends. I talked to people, but I still felt that sense I wasn’t accepted… I still felt nobody wanted to be seen with me. I faced more bullying… at one point it was in front of a whole class, including people I considered ‘friends’ and nobody did anything to stop it…. nobody stood up for me or checked if I was okay.

 

I had one good friend who I would’ve called my ‘best friend’ at secondary school – a Chinese girl who used to do piano duets with me …. that just came to an end when we went our separate ways for college. I do feel sad about that as she was lovely. It didn’t come without its issues though… a girl we shared classes with became very possessive over her, and kept trying to stop her seeing me at lunchtimes and getting her to hang around with her instead, and to sit next to her in classes. From what I understand those two are still friends even to this day.

 

I often spent my lunchtimes at the school library, where I started volunteering as a librarian. It kept me busy and I felt less lonely – less like the loner I was at primary school. Other times I went to the music block rehearsal rooms and just played piano.

 

They were difficult times… feeling unwanted…. feeling ashamed … judged. I doubt there are many people who could understand how that felt… especially not many that went to school with me. They probably never even realised what I went through. People bullied me and picked on me… again because I was quiet and shy… an easy target. I didn’t stand up for myself. They picked on me because of my looks as well. I was a relatively hairy child and had spots… probably all part of my PCOS. Not exactly something I could help having. And believe it or not I was a child, not a woman, so I didn’t need to shave all my hair off to be sexually attractive – I wasn’t a child-slut like other girls in my year must’ve been. I was picked on so much I ended up shaving my arms and I’ve only just in the last six months finally managed to break past the mental barrier, to grow the hair back… so many times the memories of such judgements tempted me to shave it all off again, but I pushed through, and now I accept them… although I have my moments of disgust. Your young years do scar you for a lifetime….

 

They picked on me for not shaving my legs…. but I was an innocent child. I didn’t know little girls were supposed to shave their legs. A boy once jokingly asked if I was a virgin…. I had never heard of the word (this was at primary school mind you), and I thought he meant Virgo, so I said no…… people liked to laugh at my innocence. Just like the time my tutor group tricked me into saying ‘maths-a-pation’ and thought it was hilarious that they’d made me say ‘masturbation’, even though I hadn’t…. I didn’t even know what that word meant at that point. There were some boys who obviously knew my name, but they were in the year above, and they called me Lily Savage (the drag-act), because of my hairiness. The girl who bullied me most of all at secondary school called me ‘spot’, because of my spots. These fucking awful children made me hate myself for the rest of my life, and I really do hate them all for it. Because they’ve carried on with their lives, no problem. They’ve all settled down, got married, had children and have no idea about the impact they had on my whole life.

 

I spent the later part of school and my college years not knowing who I was… I tried so hard to change, to be accepted by others… I tried to be ‘louder’ and more fun. I tried to be who they wanted me to be, because I learnt early on that I would never be accepted how I was.  People used to ask my mum (because she was the librarian at primary school), why I was so quiet.  She used to say it’s who I am, and that it was like asking why they are so noisy. She tried to help me out but kids are evil. If you’re one of the quiet ones you don’t stand a chance.

 

I didn’t have ‘friends’ as such at college. I tended to hang around either with my brother or with a couple of guys – one who I knew from school, but who nobody else liked, so it alienated me from everyone else, and two guys from music. I liked their company. We used to sit under the stairs at lunchtimes. Guys were much easier to hang around with. No bitchiness, less drama. They seemed to accept me. I remember sitting with a group of girls in the corridor once, and after a bit they all just got up and left, without telling me where they were going. They abandoned me. This has been my life.

 

And then I left college. By that time my mental health was awful. I had started self-harming whilst at college and told my family towards the end of it. From then on it was taking a break from the stress of college, and working on getting well – seeing doctors, going on medication, therapy etc., voluntary work… I didn’t have friends then. It was difficult. But in a way, looking back it was probably actually an easier time.

 

Then I met someone through volunteering who happened to like the same band as me. We bonded over that, went to see them together, and a friendship was born… the best and longest friendship I ever had – 14 years. The first real friend I had.

 

I heard from someone I knew at school, we met up, became friends… sometimes all three of us would meet up – I introduced them to each other… big mistake. Through all the friendship dramas I’ve endured in the last few years I have realised never to introduce friends to other friends. You should always keep your friends for yourself.

 

I then did my therapy course of DBT – over ten year ago now…. towards the end I became friends with a woman on the course, and she became a good friend, who also understood my illness, because she had it too. In fact she was the one who drew my attention to the term Borderline Personality Disorder, and that that’s what I was being treated for. I hadn’t been told that.

 

I suddenly had three friends! After all my years of loneliness I had three people in my life I counted as good friends. We all met as a group sometimes too. And other people sometimes joined, who knew the others. But mainly it was us four girls. Then my best friend introduced a guy friend of hers into the group, and also her boyfriend at the time joined in too. I’ll be honest, it changed the dynamics of the group having guys there too.

 

The guy wanted to date my best friend – she wasn’t interested…. I secretly liked the guy…. the school friend always seemed flirty with him, and the therapy friend kept it well hidden that she liked him too, so one day when I was out of the country for my brother’s wedding, she broke up with her fiancé, moved back home and got together with him instead. She knew I liked him, as I confided in her. It broke my heart and she broke my trust. I couldn’t be in their circle anymore, so I lost my group of friends. I had already lost the girl from school because she started playing mind games with me and bitched about me to the group. She was a narcissist. So I felt excluded from the group anyway, plus just like at school nobody defended me against her backstabbing and treatment of me. At the same time there was another guy I was interested in, in a different way, who I had found out was using me and playing games with me… only finding this out just before I left the country…. so it really all happened within the space of a month.

 

My whole world fell apart. I lost the friend from school, the one from therapy (which made me resent therapy and recovery too), the guy I liked who played games, the guy I had become friends with and wanted to settle down with… it all happened at once. From having no friends and feeling excluded all my life, and then I had a group of friends. I remember eight years ago now, sitting in the local pub at a table, with all of them around me, and I never felt happier to be surrounded by friends. And then suddenly in 2012, less than a year later, it all came crashing down at once. Excuse me if that year completely fucked me up and traumatised the hell out of me. I hate the lot of them for what they did to me.

 

Out of it all I managed to keep one friendship at least – my best friend… the original one. She never gave up on me. She had a baby the next year, and that saved me from destruction. I loved that little girl so much. She gave me a purpose. She gave my life a new meaning and taught me a lot about myself. I became a different person – a person I liked. A couple of years later, another little baby joined the party. I loved him just as much. Those two kids became my Godchildren and I will always love them. Nothing can change that.

 

I may have lost most of my ‘friends’, but with my Godchildren I never felt lonely. They looked forward to seeing me. I felt wanted. I felt appreciated. I felt proud of them and proud of who I was becoming. There were times, quite often, when I felt I didn’t deserve them. I sometimes voiced this to my friend. I didn’t feel good enough. I felt I was letting them down, particularly when I was going through hard times mentally. Sometimes I wouldn’t be up to seeing them… I knew I couldn’t put on an act. And I didn’t want to make them feel rejected or like a nuisance, and I didn’t want them to be worried or upset. I babysat them in February last year. I found it overwhelming. I was seriously unwell mentally at the time. I don’t think my friend even knows how much I struggled that day. I was good at hiding how I felt. I didn’t want her to feel like she’d imposed by asking me to watch the kids. I wanted to help. I wanted to feel helpful. But it was difficult with two of them at that time. That was the last time I saw them….

 

Soon after that was the first anniversary of my first loss, and when nobody was there for me, including my best friend, I isolated myself because I was splitting on everyone. I thought nobody cared. I thought they all hated me. I thought they all wanted me dead. I withdrew from everyone. I felt so detached from reality… so paranoid… and disconnected from life and other people. I would turn up to work and smile and nod, but feel emotionally dead inside, and like I wasn’t really there. I’d sit on the bus, looking out the window at people walking around, and I’d feel like it was the last time I’d see the world. I was that suicidal that it felt certain to happen, and soon.

 

Being isolated is hard…. once you get into that rut it is very difficult to get out of it. You need people to make the effort for you. I often wrote about that, or made videos as my way of communicating from the prison inside myself. I talked about ‘the hijacker’… that I didn’t feel in control anymore… that I was being led away from my friends, and I needed them to rescue me. They didn’t. They let ‘him’ drive away with me and then blamed me for not sticking around. I needed them to put in the effort for me, where I couldn’t. I was calling out for help and nobody answered.

 

I didn’t see my best friend. I saw her in March once, and then after a couple of months of not talking, we met for a coffee in June and saw a film a day or two later, and that was it. I’ve not seen her for 10 months. I’ve not seen ANYONE socially for 10 months. I’m afraid to now. As I didn’t see my friend, I couldn’t see her children. I was losing that part of my identity. As such, I didn’t know how to be ‘fun Lily’ for the kids anymore, and I was worried I wasn’t good enough to be around them. My self-esteem was low. That was the problem. But my friend didn’t understand it that way. She thought I didn’t want to see the kids. I NEEDED to see the kids. And I couldn’t do that without seeing her. But she’d go weeks without even talking to me.

 

I understand communication works two ways. And she had got it into her head that I didn’t want her friendship anymore. But that’s not the case at all. And if she had read my blogs or listened to my videos, or read my statuses then she’d know that. I was unable to reach out to people, and I made that clear in blogs. I needed her to reach out to me. She knew that. If she felt the same then fine, but I didn’t know that. She never communicated anything like it. As far as I could see she was simply ignoring my cries for help. I was calling out and begging for people to show me friendship. I may have said I felt like I didn’t have any friends, but that was because people were not treating me like I was their friend. I felt lonely and neglected. It didn’t mean I didn’t WANT them as friends, it meant I NEEDED them as friends but they were failing to be friends. She seemed to misinterpret so much that I said last year, and the damage that did is now not fixable, because I don’t think she understands that it’s her misunderstandings of me and of what happened, that have driven us to this point and broken our friendship.

 

Our friendship died last year. My last friendship… gone. The moment it died was when she reacted to a blog of mine… one that was trying to break the deadlock and save a friendship – we would never have spoken again otherwise… most of what she said did damage to our relationship, but the killing line was ‘I did miss you. Do miss you. But nothing will ever be the same now’. She had just villainised me for trying to rescue our friendship. I may not have gone about it the best way. I was in a painfully desperate state… a lot of the trauma of 2012 was going through my head at the same time. All the loss, the mistreatment…. I did what I thought was best at the time. And she had concluded that we would never be the same from that moment on. The actual PROBLEM last year was her neglecting me when I needed a friend… it was her seeming to replace me, and pretending I didn’t exist, yet somehow I ended up with the blame. And I don’t think she’s let go of that one incident ever since. That’s why we’re not friends now.

 

She blames the demise of our friendship on me. On what I did – blogging…. forgetting the fact that I had nobody else there for me. I was having a breakdown. I was trapped within my own mind. I was suicidal and self-harming most days. What did she expect me to do? Did she want us to never speak again? Perhaps. And maybe it would’ve been better. What’s happened since has destroyed me. I’ve faced so much more rejection from trying to save the friendship. It’s heartbreaking.

 

I removed the blog. I apologised. I extended the olive branch at Christmas. It was snubbed. I was snubbed. The kids weren’t even given their presents for Christmas. I didn’t get a thank you, a card, a text, or any acknowledgement. I had to chase my friend up at the beginning of this year, to ask her if she even wanted to sort things out. This made me feel how I felt back at school, begging people to tolerate me at lunchtime. I’ve always had to chase attention, affection, love and care. I’m rarely shown it willingly and freely. This is sickening. It makes me feel worthless and pathetic. This will never change until people start to be consistent in their friendship and are emotionally available.

 

My friend couldn’t decide whether I was worth fighting for. She needed more time. In the meantime I was expected to sit with my insecurities and paranoia about being replaced by her other friends, who she often wrote about having a great time with them. I felt rejected and forgotten.

 

So I had to do what was right for my mental health. I had to step back. I had to unfriend her until she was ready to sort things out with me. I had to allow myself to get well. Her husband seemed to understand this and said it was important to look after myself. I don’t feel she was as reasonable. Her behaviour definitely didn’t communicate it anyway. Having said I felt upset about the Christmas presents, saying that I felt continuously rejected by her, and saying I needed to look after my mental health by removing her, she said nothing to me… she just blocked me.

 

Not exactly the actions of a friend. I know I was going to remove her, but I explained the reason why – I respected her enough to not just ditch her like others had ditched me throughout my life. In all these years I’ve just wanted someone to respect and care about me enough to allow me some closure… to finish on a decent note. The pattern is that they just get tired of me or hurt me, before ghosting me. It’s hurtful for anyone, but damaging for someone with BPD. By saying absolutely nothing to me and just blocking me it communicated that she didn’t accept my decision, and therefore didn’t care about my mental health. It was passive-aggressive. All it did was make it so I couldn’t get in touch with her. It stated that she doesn’t want to hear from me again. It was a punishment with the intention to gain power and control of the situation. It was unnecessary.

 

My last memories of my oldest and best friend, are her blocking me (on two accounts), and removing herself from my Facebook group, after hearing from her husband that I was paranoid she’d done that to hurt me, just like others did to punish me when leaving my life. She made conscious choices to do things she knew would hurt me. I’m finding it hard to come to terms with the REALITY that she’s either become this person who wants to hurt me, or she’s always been that person and I never realised. I’m now thinking that my paranoid thoughts were not ‘paranoia’ but rather ‘gut feelings’ based on reality. I don’t know what to believe anymore.

 

What matters is that I am now left friendless. A year ago I felt like I didn’t have any friends… because of the lack of friendship I was shown. This year I actually don’t have any friends. Last year my friend wasn’t there for me on the first anniversary of my loss. This year she wasn’t there because she had blocked me. I thought things couldn’t get worse than last year. Maybe I was wrong.

 

Yes I have people I occasionally talk to. Acquaintances. Or even ‘friends’ in the looser sense of the term. I mean no offence to these people – but I think they’d agree I’m not one of their closer friends. There’s nothing wrong with that. I can still care about people and like them without us being close friends. It’s just the reality of things. We’re not that close, and probably never will be. So I feel justified in saying I have no friends. She was the last one. My one and only friendship left after muddying the waters by bringing all my former friends together…. how different life might be now had I kept them all separate. It sickens me to think about that…

 

I felt isolated last year. This year I feel lonely….. alone. Being totally honest there are people I’ve prompted several times about meeting up, and nothing has materialised. I know people are busy and forget. I’m guilty of it at times. And I’m sure some people have felt the same way towards me as I do towards others right now… but you just get to a point where you think I’m not going to suggest meeting again…. there’s only so much ‘rejection’ someone with BPD can face. Although it’s not a rejection as such – it’s a loose agreement to meet, so in a way it’s acceptance, it’s like broken promises… it’s a disappointment… it feels like rejection. And I can’t keep putting myself out there and being rejected. It’s dragging my self-worth even further down. So I’m starting to isolate in my mind again.

 

I feel so painfully lonely. I have nobody close to me anymore. Nobody to confide in. Nobody to share the good or the bad with. I feel nobody cares about me. I feel I’m nothing to everyone in my life. This is partly due to my former best friend making me feel I meant nothing to her, but also just the voice of my illness.

 

My illness is bad again at the moment. I’m wanting to do bad things. I want to do something self-destructive. I’ll write about that separately.

 

I just feel so empty, flat and invisible. I always have to ask for people to notice me and care, and it makes me feel worthless and demanding and like an attention-seeker. I can’t keep doing it. Not only do I feel irrelevant to those I know, but I now don’t have a best friend. I live in world where my best friend hurt me and abandoned me so coldly.

 

It’s hard to accept the journey I’ve been on – from a childhood of loneliness and isolation, to a group of friends, to one friend but the Godchildren too, to nobody and nothing…. I’ve gone full-circle. It’s really upsetting.

 

I know I’m not the only person with BPD who feels life is easier not having friends or relationships. Experiences like this make me want to live my life without anyone else…. people just bring complications… especially if those people don’t try to learn about and understand our illness and how to help the relationship flourish. It feels easier somehow to avoid people. You feel that way you won’t get hurt. But at the same time it’s incredibly lonely not having anyone in your life.

 

This is how I feel right now. I feel trapped. I feel either way I end up hurting and wanting to die. Relationship tensions and abandonment hurt me to the point I don’t want to be here anymore. And feeling so alone and invisible makes me think I might as well not be here. I’m feeling suicidal at the moment.  Everything about my life is hurting…. from my childhood, to 2012, to the last couple of years, to the present. I’d say the future, but right now I don’t see one. I hate how people have treated me in the last few years, after the things I went through as a child. It mirrors what I went through. It all hurts so much. And I feel like that little girl, standing by the wall by herself… nobody wanting to play with her… just watching others enjoy their lives whilst questioning her own existence and asking ‘why?’. Life just hurts and I hate everyone who abandoned me, betrayed me and made me feel this worthless. They’ve made me not want to live any longer.

 

 

It’s All Come Back.

*Self-harm / suicide*

 

I need to be honest. I’m not okay at the moment. I’ve been hit by a tsunami of pain and sadness. From the outside you probably wouldn’t tell. I’m a master of disguise. But inside, my heart is sinking…. it feels scarred by so much loss… some more recent than others…. there are a couple of people-shaped holes in it from particular people I lost from my life, and those holes are filled up with sadness and despair. A helplessness. A hopelessness.

 

I imagine harming myself badly. I crave it. But more worrying than this, I have started having my suicidal thoughts again. Some are more active than others. There’s a constant hum of ‘I don’t want to be here anymore’… ‘I can’t do this anymore’…. ‘I want it all to stop’. And then there’s considering ways to do it.

 

I feel world-weary. The concept of time is something I can’t handled. I’m thinking about the fact we’re heading towards summer… once that’s over it’s back to fireworks, Halloween, and then Christmas again…. and another new year…. and it starts all over again… It’s another year where I’m stuck in hell on this planet we call home. Another year without certain people. Another year alone. Another year wanting to die. Another year wasted.

 

I feel like a failure. All the things I haven’t achieved… I feel I never will. And if I can’t then all I am is a burden and a disappointment.

 

Yesterday I came across a note I had written during my suicidal times – I don’t recall when I wrote it or what triggered it, but it was within the last year. It was a ‘suicide note’. I don’t think I was attempting to end my life… I just went through a period of self-harm where I really didn’t care what happened to me. I was in a very dark and desperate place.

 

The things I’m finding most painful right now, other than just having to exist in this world, disconnected from life, feeling alone with no close friendships… are two things – the old ‘transference’ stuff, and losing my best friend.

 

Although it’s been well over a year since I saw the therapist I had feelings for, and I thought I had come to terms with it, I’m finding myself missing him so much right now. I just want to see him and talk to him. I can’t, obviously – but that fills me with despair and powerlessness in itself. I’m wanting to go back to the days of that course. I keep reliving it. Which brings with it all the memories of my breakdown and self-harming there. I also get all the thoughts about never seeing him again and it makes me not want to live this life…. as pathetic as that sounds. It’s like it’s all come back. There was a time I’ll admit that I saw his presence online, and it brought me some weird kind of comfort to know he was alive and well out there…. he stopped doing that a long time ago. So as ridiculous as this sounds, it’s more like a death now than before. I have nothing to grasp onto to comfort me. It’s just emptiness and utter loss.

 

I mean life wasn’t that great before I met him… but it’s been so much worse since I have. I had never felt so suicidal as I did after the course ended and I never saw him again. That lasted all of last year… until the point losing somebody else took over…. now I’m grieving them both. And I don’t want to be. I either want to have them in my life, or to not have a life.

 

I’m sick of emotional pain. I’m sick of feeling trapped. Of not being able to let go. Of feeling so alone.

 

I’ve been having urges recently to do things out of character. I feel ashamed about it. But I have to keep telling myself it’s because I’m ill. It’s part of my illness. I shouldn’t blame myself for it. It’s desperation, sadness, loneliness and feelings that I can’t help having.  And so far I’ve not acted on any of them. That’s the main thing.

 

But I feel so heartbroken, sad and lost. Nothing will fix this. And everyone thinks I’m over it. So nobody knows how I feel. That’s why I’m saying it here. So at least somebody knows the pain I’m in right now.

 

Losing my best friend is another thing that’s hard to cope with at the moment. To begin with I was driven forward by anger, and the fact I had a charity event to take part in, so I was walking every day – I had an aim. I had things to focus on and lift me up. But now that’s all over. I’ve not been too well lately, physically… and I’m feeling sad and upset at being abandoned by her. I’m writing a separate post about that later, I won’t go into all the details here… but I’m feeling the need to fix it. To sort things out, so that I don’t have to feel this way. But I tried that and kept getting hurt more. She very much seems to be a person now who hears what hurts me and does it more. She blocked me twice, and removed herself from my Facebook group, after I’d said to her husband about it. She probably thinks I didn’t notice that. Or more likely she was hoping I would. That’s what I mean, I’m struggling to come to terms with who she has become…. or who she always was, right under my nose. These are not the actions of someone with good intentions, no matter what she may tell her husband, friends and family. I’ve seen more spite from her than anyone else who ever hurt me.

 

I’m struggling to accept reality here. I feel like there’s been an endless string of knocks… loss after loss… first it was my granddad…. then the therapist…. then my best friend and my Godchildren. In life terms I have nothing left to lose. Obviously I have people I can and will lose to death. This terrifies me, especially now I have no support in the form of friendships. But in terms of things in my life, I have nothing left. Which brings on the suicidal thoughts. The only thing I feel I have to live for right now is a concert I’m going to in June. Best seats for my favourite band. Other than that I don’t know what the hell I’m doing here.

 

I feel like without social relationships there is no point to life. But I find them so traumatic. And the reality is I’ll likely never have them again. After the last man destroyed my self-esteem, confidence and belief in men, I no longer want anything to do with them now…. apart from the therapist obviously! And now after my best friend has warped into someone I don’t even know, and has abandoned me, I will never trust anyone again to let them that close to me. I will never want close friends again thanks to her.

 

I feel desperately sad to not have anyone close to me anymore. Sure I have people on Facebook I can talk to. Most don’t live anywhere near me. And let’s face it… we’re not ‘close’ and probably never will be. It takes a long time to grow an old friend. Nothing can compare with the sort of friendship I thought I had with my best friend. I’ll never be able to be that close to someone again, and I’m not able to find a partner either. I just feel so completely alone and lonely. This is how I felt last year. That was the whole problem last year. I isolated myself and nobody noticed. Nobody cared. Not even my best friend. She never DID put in the effort for me. I ended up being the one running after her, being the friend to her that I needed her to be to me. And she never got that I just felt so alone and needed a friend.

 

I’m trying not to cry right now. I feel like screaming. I feel like I’ve been screaming for two years and nobody heard me. Anything I’ve needed from others has been ignored and denied. I’m still so angry about how the therapy was handled. I’m viciously angry about that. I blame them. And now with my friend too… I’m so angry with her. I don’t understand what the hell happened or what the hell I did to deserve it. She’s broken me.  Her husband said that ‘Hopefully one day you can both put this behind you and talk again.’… but how can I put this behind me when I don’t even know what the hell ‘this’ is…?? I do not understand what’s happened and why she’s treated me the way she has. She’s been so passive-aggressive and closed up about it all, and I’ve poured my heart out more than once. I’ve tried being open and making effort to fix it, and she hasn’t met me halfway. She’s avoided resolving things and left me feeling blamed for it all. I don’t know if this was intentional because she does blame me, or if it’s just how her behaviour has come across. But it’s left me confused as to why she gave up on me. She can’t expect us to go our separate ways and then one day it’ll all be forgotten and we can talk as friends again. I don’t work like that. I work on respect and apologies where apologies are due. Not avoiding someone to avoid the blame and responsibility. No. Take responsibility for what you’ve done, own up to hurting me, commit to putting it right and follow through. Nothing less will do. I don’t think it’s asking a lot. It’s common f*cking decency. It’s being a good person. It’s putting your relationship ahead of your own ego.

 

I’ve been crying out for help for two years… I remember a year ago writing a post about this, and the fact I was drowning and everyone was just standing by and watching me go under. Now they’re not even watching. They’re not even noticing. And I’m ashamed to say I’ve reached that point again where I want to make them notice. I want to end up in hospital. I want to show everyone how desperate I feel right now. I want them to hear me. If that means doing something drastic just so they can finally understand how I feel then so be it. Nobody will know how devastating it is to be screaming into a void for two years… to not have your emotional needs met…. to lose everything…. to not have support…. to not have people take you seriously with your mental health. I want to actually rip my own skin apart with my bare hands. That’s how frustrated I feel and how much pain I’m in.

 

This might have come out of nowhere… or it could be I’ve been distracted for the last couple of months. I don’t particularly care either way. Because this is how I feel right now… and it’s such a bleak feeling. People might say that I’ll feel better tomorrow… but they don’t know that. And even if I do, this isn’t going away. This isn’t just feeling a bit down. These are major things I have to come to terms with… losses I don’t want to be reality. Losses that have already happened. I had a lot of losses around 2012, but I had my friend and the Godchildren to help me through it… I hadn’t lost my granddad…  I hadn’t met Matt. Everything’s different now. My emotions are more volatile, I’ve had an actual loss, and now I’ve also lost everything. Part of my identity is gone. More than a part actually…. three parts… who I was before my granddad died… who I was with my best friend… and who I was with the kids. I have nobody to keep me going this time. It’s just me, doing things alone to try and survive. And when my mental health was bad already and I was coming to terms with grief and loss, it’s not fair that I should be forced to face that on my own. It feels unjust. It feels like my life is one big abandonment after another. And I hate my friend for her timing.

 

It just all feels so tragic, because a lot of how I’ve acted in the last year has come from a place of love….. she’ll never know that I was just sad that I couldn’t share in experiences with her, like motherhood…. she’ll never know that I pictured the future, with the kids growing up and me still being there for them…. she’ll never know that I didn’t want to lose her and I was afraid of being replaced….. she’ll never know that I wanted to be able to be there for her and support her, but she rarely opened up to me to let me be the friend I could be. Nobody ever does that… they never let me in…. this means I never get to demonstrate the caring  sides of me, and friendships end up seeming unbalanced, whereby I talk about my problems but they never do. It ends up seeming like I take more than I give, but the reality is nobody allows me the opportunity to give.

 

All I wanted was to feel loved, appreciated and secure in our friendship. I needed to feel safe again, after so much loss. She’ll never know how much it broke my heart that she gave up on me. And she did. No matter what tale she may spin… even if she claims I was the one who took a break from our friendship, like she claimed before, it was she who made that decision. She made the decision by failing to make the decision. That in itself is a decision. If she had known she didn’t want to lose me then she wouldn’t have had to think twice about it. Her doubt gave away her true answer. But I think she just didn’t want to be the one to say it. I think I gave her what she wanted – permission to leave my life. I ultimately was the one to mention a step back. Now she can blame it on me… or at least in her mind her conscience is clear, as she didn’t have to reject me outright. But her flip-flopping and refusal to care about me, brought me to the decision to care about myself. I deserved better. That’s how I felt at the time. Now I’m in a state of questioning what I deserve.

 

I’m feeling really low today. Everything from the last few years is hitting me all at once. And it’s pushing me to a bad place. Matt once said to me about transference and he used the word ‘solace’. That’s what I want right now. I want to run to him. I want him to comfort me. But don’t worry, I know how unbelievably impossible this is. It’s just a dream. And I do dream of him. I just want to feel safe. I don’t feel safe. And just like I wanted to feel safe with my friend, she abandoned me and left me even less safe and secure. There’s no stability to life. And I can’t cope with that. I’m not coping.

 

Everything feels black at the moment, and my mind goes to the images I had to face every day last year. I feel out of control and so upset.

 

I’m sorry I’ve not blogged for a while, and it’s not been useful for a long time. This blog’s become the only thing I can confide in… and my friend destroyed my confidence in writing – I find it hard to finish posts and share them now. I feel it’s wrong of me to do so. But as I’ve been robbed of other options and been abandoned now, I don’t want to let her dictate how I deal with the mess she left me in. It’s hard to fight through that barrier but I have to try and find my voice again, and not be afraid to use it.

 

 

Floating Away.

It’s been a while since I posted on here. In all honesty I’ve been keeping to myself more, plus I was away last week, watching my brother’s place and pets. It was meant to be a chance for me to get my head together…. to gather my thoughts and figure out what I wanted to do about things… it was meant to be a holiday. It was anything but. It was hectic and stressful. I hardly had any time to myself, and any time I had I was too tired to write or figure things out. So yesterday was the first day I’ve had time to reflect and get back to reality…

 

The truth is I don’t know how I feel about anything. I don’t feel too different to how I did before I went away. I feel as detached from others as I did then. A great chunk of my life I’ve been isolated and life has gone on for others. For me it’s as stagnant and miserable as ever. The amount of things I’ve gone through in the past weeks, and had nobody to share it with…. the amount others have been through, and they didn’t share with me…. I feel so disconnected from the world. It makes it feel like I’m not real or necessary.

 

I honestly feel so closed off from people, that it makes me isolate myself further. It makes me shut down. The more you distance yourself from others, the harder it is to come back from it.

 

In reality I know things are different. People have spoken to me here and there. But I still feel like I’m in that episode of X Files, where Scully is in a coma, and we see her sitting in a rowing boat attached by a rope and she’s just staring back at those on the shore… expressionless, silent… I feel like life is happening on the shore and I’m just sat drifting in the water, with no motivation to reach land anymore. It’s like I’ve forgotten what it’s like to stand on solid ground.

 

There are things I should be doing, people I should be contacting, but I feel so lost for how to approach these things now. I had intended to do it during my break, but there was hardly time to think about myself let alone anyone else! So now it’s been put off, and I’ve not thought about things, I feel more distant again. I feel the block there. I should have done things straight away, but the days before I went away were extremely busy. This was the first day in ages I’ve had time to stop and think, and it’s not a nice feeling.

 

The trouble is I should be showing concern for other people. I should be there for them. I should be trying to fix broken relationships. I should be feeling bad for not being there… maybe in a few days I might get to where I need to be, when I actually allow myself to think about these things. But right now I feel as lost and broken as I did before. There are reasons, good reasons why people weren’t there for me. And being the person I am I should be responding to those reasons with compassion, understanding and caring… but knowing why I was neglected doesn’t mean I’m suddenly feeling better about it… it doesn’t change the fact I was left alone for so long… too long… that now I can’t claw my way back from this. I understand the reasons people weren’t there… I always knew that people have their own lives and problems… I knew that was a strong possibility… but it doesn’t change how I feel. It doesn’t change the predicament I’m in now. And that bitterness I feel is stopping me from expressing what I should be expressing to the people I care about. I didn’t know what was happening for my friends. I do now. And my natural reaction is to care, to forgive and understand. But I can’t shake the fact that I never hid what was going on for me, and their reaction was not to care, forgive or understand. This prevents the care coming from my mouth. I do care. I care too damn much, but I’ve also been alone so long now I had to learn to care about myself too. This means feeling annoyed and let down by others. I then have to feel guilty for not readily accepting the explanations of those who weren’t there. I should be forgiving. I should be understanding and compassionate. I should let go of my own ego and patch things up with people. But I feel too damaged.

 

Explanations rarely make me feel better… they sound more like a way of dodging responsibility for how I feel, and trying to turn it round so that I’M the one who feels bad. That never makes me feel better. I’m feeling better than I was… because there are reasons for it now. But those reasons don’t take away the suffering I experienced in the last few months. It doesn’t make it all better. And I have to decide on my own which path I’m going to take going forward. I have no sounding board. So it’s taking a long time to do anything, and in the meantime I’m pulling away. Some people care. The majority don’t. But whether they do or don’t care no longer matters to me. I’m as detached from those who care as I am from those who don’t. And I don’t know how to put it back to how it was.

 

I’ve never experienced this before. When my friends hurt me in the past I hated them for a while, and then they got filed under ‘I no longer care about you / you’re dead to me’.  But I always had someone else to keep me open. This is new… this is a whole other level. This is ‘no longer caring’ about anyone…. even if I do care, it’s not enough. It’s not that they’re dead to me. It’s that I’m dead to them. I’m dead to myself. And as much as people may have tried messaging me and keeping me open, it’s not enough. I’m closed. I was already closed by the time they tried to help. They waited too long. I’m closed to hope. I’m closed to friendship. I’m closed to life. I’ve never felt so far away from the things I want in life. I’ve never given up to this degree.

 

There’s no happiness. No joy. No belief in love for me. No children in my future. No ambitions. No hope. No excitement. No light at the end of the tunnel. No recovery. I’m being consumed by darkness... it’s all I see when I think of the future…. it’s within me, encasing my heart in a bitterly cold tomb… it’s changing me into someone nobody likes, not even myself. It’s all I see when I look within now. I can’t possibly tell you the good things about me right now… all I see is darkness and every excuse under the sun to turn and run away from me. Everything I touch dies. Everyone I love leaves. And every second of this existence hurts me.

 

I’m sorry for this negative post. I should have left that door closed.

Same Old, Same Old.

So here’s the thing… I’ve tried to stay positive for the past month. I went back on Facebook, and talked about various things, trying to relax about whether people acknowledged my existence or not. I explained through a post on my blog, and a video, where I’m at and what I need from my friends. I received a lovely message from one person in response. Various other people have responded to things I’ve posted, which helps. But unfortunately they’re not the people I’m concerned with, and I’m focusing more on the people who haven’t changed.

 

I’m giving power to these people and forgetting those who are actually there. I’m aware of this, but it doesn’t mean I can just stop feeling how I feel. I am paranoid. Out of a group of people, only one of them talks to me. I’m invisible to the others. The only other one who talks to me, only talks to me when I post an opinion they disagree with. I had this happen before, a year ago. Last year I had to make it clear that I sometimes post my political opinions on my Facebook page, because it’s a safer environment than Twitter. I don’t want to be attacked and challenged by strangers. The feeling of public humiliation is my biggest trigger. So I said I would occasionally post my thoughts on Facebook. I had a ‘friend’ who was polar opposite to me politically, and was very vocal about it. She would always pounce on my posts, making her own points, trying to show me up as wrong, and make herself appear morally superior. She’d try and shut down my voice. It’s not even been a year since she did this and then resorted to personal insults, telling me it’s good I don’t have children. Now, given that this is a very sore point for me, it was really cruel. We fell out, and before I could mute her on Twitter as advised by a friend, she blocked me. Instead of apologising she doubly hurt me. I cut her out of my life for good.

 

She had no respect for a difference of opinion. I know she was only a teenager, but seriously… The amount of times she’d jump on my Facebook posts in order to vent… I had to make it clear to my friends that when I post my feelings about politics on my page, it’s me venting or expressing my frustrations and concerns, and trying to connect with those who also feel the same as me. I stated that I don’t post to be controversial. I DO NOT post to debate / argue / or have someone try to change my view. I believe in freedom of thought and freedom of speech, and whilst some would argue (as they like to do!) that freedom of speech includes the freedom of people to disagree with my views, I have made it clear that I do not wish this to occur on my Facebook page. My nerves cannot handle debate anymore, ever since the referendum. I’ve had discussions and done enough research myself for many years, to reach the political decisions I have. I don’t need to change my views, and I don’t need to defend and explain my views. My opinions are right. That doesn’t mean others’ are wrong. In their own minds their opinions are also right. But what I’ve realised over the last two years, is that there are many people in the world, particularly left-leaning, who think their opinions are right, and anything else is wrong… i.e. MY opinions are wrong. Well they’re not. Time will tell.

 

Anyway, this experience not even a year ago has left me fragile. It has left me sensitive to this perceived threat from my friends on Facebook. So if I even get a hint that someone’s doing the same, it blows out of proportion.

 

I’ve experienced this twice this year from one friend… again polar opposite to me politically, jumping on my political posts. The first time was when I was expressing my fears and frustrations about the far left, and the second time was when I was venting my frustration about the local elections, and how for as long as I can remember we’ve always had an overwhelming if not total majority of one party. I’m allowed to do that. I’m allowed to say that I’m annoyed to live here, because there’s hardly any space left to build on in this once lovely village. They’ve turned it into a town, with too many people. I’m allowed to be annoyed about that. I’m allowed to say I’d rather live in a place run by a different party. I understand that the person in question possibly thought I was attacking a mutual friend who happens to belong to that party and lives in this area, but it had nothing to do with him. You know, it is possible to be supportive of a person in their role, but to hate a political party they happen to belong to. I don’t have to like a party just because I know someone affiliated with them! The reason I came to the conclusion that it involved him, was that seven minutes after jumping on my post to show me up, the person congratulated him on retaining his seat (though I don’t think he was even a candidate here)… I know I may have read more into this, but the previous time I also had the same feeling, that I was argued with, and then something was said to the group, that made me feel it was aimed at me. I don’t like this feeling, because I’ve had it throughout my life – I had a ‘friend’ who went behind my back and talked to my group of friends about me, and who also went to my best friend and listed all the reasons why I’m not the sort of friend she wanted in her life. Also whenever anyone’s upset me in the past, almost everyone rallied around the person who hurt me, rather than supporting me. I do know some of this latest stuff may be made up in my head – that’s the paranoia. And it comes from the fact that the person in question only talks to me when arguing my political posts – like the girl last year. They don’t speak any other time, even when I’ve needed support before – yet they readily give that to other people I know. This tells me they’re holding my political views against me as a person, and they deem me unworthy of care and support because of those views.

 

I know some would say that people are going to have opinions and express them – fine… express your own opinions on your own wall. This is MY page, not my friends’ page. I don’t know how many times I have to say I don’t want people debating with me on my page. It creates a feeling of ‘public humiliation’ for me – my biggest trigger, so please don’t do it!

 

I allow my friends to say whatever the hell they want on their own pages. Most of the time I don’t agree with it, and occasionally I might question the sanity of some of them for their opinions. But I keep it inside my head, or I write it out somewhere private. I don’t jump on their posts and argue their beliefs. Because I believe in free speech, and I believe in people being allowed to think whatever they want. If I was openly looking for debate that’s different, but I’m not. I’m expressing my views, to release my anxieties and anger. I’m doing it for my mental health. And as I’ve also said before, I’m also doing it to avoid other things in my life. You know that when I start getting obsessed with politics, that I’m deeply troubled by something else in my life, and I’m trying to avoid dealing with it. So when I then feel ‘attacked’ for my views, I feel I have to stop talking politics, and I’m left with no other way to cope with the shit in my life.

 

Let me spell it out for you… my life is a steaming pile of dung at the moment – I feel like I’ve lost my closest friend. And it is killing me inside. For weeks I’ve been a ball of anxiety, feeling sick, depressed and totally broken. I’m now coming to accept it as reality. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. But I have to just move on and try to keep surviving without any close friends, just the love and support of my family.

 

I was abandoned at the worst point in my life. I understand I’m hard to handle when my mental illness is this bad. But to be abandoned by those closest to you, when you’re facing the toughest challenges… it’s gut-wrenching. I used to be able to forgive these sorts of things, but I honestly don’t know anymore. This is not okay.

 

In February I babysat. As much as I adore the children, and I would do anything to help my friend, I did find it too overwhelming, given the state of my mental health. The next time I saw my friend was in March for a show. I haven’t seen her since. In fact I’ve hardly heard from her. I was sent a message before the anniversary date of my granddad’s death, about something else, and given that I had that date to deal with and was seriously unwell the next day, I didn’t reply until eight days later. But I never had a response to that message. I was upset that nobody offered comfort or support for the anniversary date, this friend included. And nobody seemed to acknowledge my existence on Facebook. I felt nobody cared. And seeing people getting on with their lives whilst ‘ignoring’ me really hurt. So I closed my account. Nobody got in touch to see if I was okay. Not even my closest friend. I take it she read a blog post and told me she was there if I wanted to talk, but given the state of mind I was in at the time, I read into the tone of the message, so I didn’t feel encouraged to open up. That was three and a half weeks ago.

 

I know I haven’t responded to it, so she might think I don’t want to talk to her, and that the ball is in my court, but that’s not how it works with depression. I know from recent experience with other people who are depressed. We don’t reach out. We need the extra effort made for us. And the fact my friend won’t make that effort, communicates to me that she doesn’t care about me. That I don’t matter. That our friendship is over. Again… I may be reading too much into things, but I wish my friends would understand how the mind of someone like me works, and make necessary changes to make sure we keep our friendship.

 

In a rational mind I know that friendship is a two-way street. But it’s not as black and white as that. It’s not ‘My message – your message – my message – your message’. We don’t take turns, and if the other doesn’t take their turn we never talk again! If you want me as your friend, and you don’t want to lose me, and you CARE about me, then message me a second time – it won’t hurt! Seriously, I feel so shit about myself and life at the moment that I am NOT going to reach out. So either show that you care and you’re not hostile towards me… make me feel safe, comfortable and loved, or keep letting me go. I’m almost gone anyway.

 

If I exclude that message that didn’t feel like genuine care, I’ve not heard from them in nearly seven weeks. If I’m wrong and there was genuine care there, then I’m sorry. But the state of my mental health right now tells me it wasn’t. And it also tells me that if it WAS genuine care, it would have been followed up with more. The fact that on having no reply, knowing that their friend is ill and deeply suffering, they say nothing more for another month only tells me that they’ve given up on me. And I don’t blame them to be honest, that’s the messed up bit about it! When you’re mentally ill you feel you’re worthless, and you’re too messed up to deserve friendship, happiness and love. So when people DO abandon you, you can’t blame them. But at the same time it does still hurt that those you thought really cared about you appear not to. And it knocks your self-esteem down even further.

 

Something I’ve not really considered before now is that my closest friend is likely my ‘favourite person’… (FP). This is a term often used when talking about BPD. This means that whenever I think I’ve lost her, it affects my feeling of self-worth so badly that I feel everyone hates me, I don’t deserve friends, they’re an awful person, I’m an awful person, the world is an awful place and I have no reason to live. When I have my best friend by my side, I can overcome anything. But when I feel them slipping away it all falls apart. In the past I would scrabble to hold on to people I didn’t want to lose, but I’ve become so used to being abandoned, that I no longer fight. It doesn’t mean I’m happy to lose the person, but I just accept they’re all going to leave me in the end… and I haven’t been wrong so far.

 

A few years ago I expressed fears of losing my friend. I thought I would become irrelevant to her once she had a family. This didn’t happen. But gradually over time we’d go longer and longer between speaking and seeing each other. I know I’m lower on the priority list now. I don’t expect to be any higher. I wouldn’t want to be. Family is everything, and I love that little family. It doesn’t mean I don’t feel upset though. It doesn’t mean I don’t face extreme fears of abandonment, and feel forgotten by her. It doesn’t stop the part of me saying ‘See, you knew this would happen – she doesn’t have time for you anymore’. It proves my worry right. This adds to the feeling of depression I already have.

 

Life has changed so much in the last few years. Not for me, but for all those around me. Everyone’s getting married, having children, getting pets, and I’m still me, with the same mental illness and nothing good in my life. It’s lonely. And I always thought that friends are meant to be that thing that make you feel less lonely. But when I look around at my friends I do feel lonely. I feel more lonely. Particularly when they appear to have forgotten I even exist. I know I’m low on the priority list of everyone. And when I’m as difficult as I am right now it doesn’t inspire them to make time for me. I’m not going to push them to do so. I’m going to just keep to myself. If they care about me they’ll show it. If they miss me they’ll tell me. If they want to see me they’ll make an effort to.

 

I am paralysed by this feeling of abandonment from my FP. I cannot reach out to them, no matter how much I wish I could. I can’t really reach out to anyone because of it. I actually spoke to my family about my friendship problems yesterday – it’s the first they know about it. I’ve just suffered in silence the last few months. I said to them that I know I should probably reach out to them if I want them to talk to me… and they said ‘Yeah like it’s really that easy when you’re depressed!’ – see they get it. They understand that when you’re depressed you retreat into your shell, and need someone to gently come and knock, asking if you’re okay… and to keep trying with you. To not give up on you. Nothing else will coax you out of your shell. If people leave me in this state, thinking that time will heal me, and eventually I will talk to them when I’m ready, they’re gravely mistaken. More time alone with my thoughts, feeling like nobody cares, only compounds the problem, and makes it less likely I’ll ever talk to them again.

 

Even when the person who betrayed me most in my life hurt me, every couple of weeks she’d send me a text saying ‘I hope you’re okay lovely lady’. I didn’t want to hear from her. It pissed me off. I thought ‘Of course I’m not okay! You saw to that!’… but the point is she cared about how I was, and didn’t give up on trying to be a friend to me. I chose not to have her as a friend, as I couldn’t be around her anymore. Had she not done what she did I wish she was still my friend, as at least until the point she did what she did, she actually cared about me.

 

Just because I’m aware of my behaviour it doesn’t mean I can change it. Just because I’m writing here about the fact someone isn’t talking to me, and that I know I could talk to them, it doesn’t mean I CAN talk to them. Like I said, I feel paralysed. When you honestly believe that someone doesn’t care about you, how the hell are you supposed to approach them? Especially when you have crippling depression.

 

Just like with the group of people I know – I feel excluded. As I said before, only one talks to me, and another only argues with me. The others I don’t even feel notice me. Some might think this is my fault… that I’m excluding myself…. that I could join in with discussions in our group, but it’s not as simple as that. I’ve been living the last few months thinking they all hate me. Because I thought that the one person had gone into that group and was having a snipe at me, and they all rallied round in support of her (even if this was a misconception!), pair that with the fact they don’t speak to me but speak to each other, I am going to think I’m being excluded. I will feel singled-out. I will feel like they don’t like me. And that’s how I feel. If I feel like they all hate me then how the hell am I to be expected to join in conversations? Can you understand that?

 

If you feel people hate you or don’t care about you, you shut down. You don’t put yourself out there, at risk of rejection, abandonment and feeling worse than you already do. I feel terrible. I hate myself. I don’t want to do life. I feel worthless and hopelessly depressed. I can’t risk feeling worse. So I can’t reach out to people who I believe hate me and don’t care about me. Please try and understand this bind I’m in. I cannot break out of it myself. It requires real care and effort. Other than that I don’t know what it requires. I shouldn’t have to come up with all the answers. All I know is I wouldn’t leave a friend feeling isolated and uncared for, if I knew they were suffering as much as I am, and had no support from others. That is why I feel I don’t matter to any of my friends… except one or two people who have shown their support in the last few weeks.

 

I believe if people care about me they’ll let me know. If they don’t then they don’t care. Nearly two months of thinking my closest friend doesn’t care, and each day pushes me further past the point of no return. I can’t forget that I was abandoned at a time I needed my friends. If other friends care about me they’ll get in touch and support me in my difficult times. If they don’t, they don’t care. If the one person, polar opposite to me politically cares about me, they’ll show their care and support when I need it, and stop pouncing on my political posts.

 

I need to have a space I can vent my feelings. Twitter isn’t safe. Facebook apparently now isn’t safe. So don’t anybody criticise me for writing on my blog. I’m constantly forced to shut down my voice on my own Facebook page, so this is all I have left. Given that I have no friends to talk to, I’m going to talk to my blog. It’s become my best friend. My one and only friend. And I am free to speak on it. If people don’t like that, then they should look at themselves and consider the part they played in me having nowhere else to air my feelings. I’m done apologising for my mental illness, for feeling lonely and forgotten, for being abandoned and for needing my feelings to be heard. Sometimes the truth hurts. It doesn’t mean I shouldn’t speak it. As I have stated the above things were my perceptions. I admit they may be distorted. But it’s how I feel. And if you don’t want me to hold such beliefs then the ball is in your court. The actions of people or lack thereof over the past few months have led me to here. And the continuation of them isn’t going to improve things. If people keep attacking my views, and people keep waiting for me to reach out to them, I won’t be around much longer. It’s not up to me to fix this. It never was…

A Wasted Life.

wasted life

 

It’s been a difficult day. I spent the afternoon crying, even while writing most of this post. I feel I made the right choices in the end – stepping away, telling family I felt upset, and playing board games with them whilst treating myself to a hot chocolate. Could’ve played out differently. Really tired now, feeling emotionally drained. Here’s what I wrote earlier:

 

 

I carry a heavy burden every day of my life. This is something separate from all the other difficulties in my life. It’s something that dwells inside me, alongside grief, mental illness, interpersonal issues, everyday life. It’s something that not many people could understand. And it’s something I can’t get away from.

 

I’m in my thirties, and I don’t have children. I don’t have a relationship. I live with my family. I love my family… so much it hurts. It hurts me the most, that I can’t give my parents grandchildren. It’s unlikely I’ll be an aunty, so the burden falls on me to be the bearer of grandchildren. But that would require being stable enough and feeling good enough about myself, to get out there and meet people, to find someone suitable to settle down with – even then, they’d have to return my feelings, which has never happened…. I can’t see anyone ever loving me. And if by some miracle I find a perfect guy for me, who loves me, marries me, wants a family with me… how many years will all that take? I’ll be in my forties before then. And what if I can’t have children?

 

Sorry, I’m really upset at the moment. I was in the middle of eating a piece of chocolate before writing this post, and randomly burst into tears while reading something totally unconnected on Twitter … I have no idea what my subconscious was doing, but I reached this place, and I’m in tears as I write this now. I find the topic extremely upsetting.

 

My family have never ever put any pressure on me, or expectations for anything like that. They’ve always made it clear that the only thing they want is for me to be happy. Which in itself is an issue, because I’m not happy. I’m deeply unhappy. And a part of my happiness will only come from making other people happy… knowing that the people I love are happy. The reality is I want nothing more than to have a soulmate, a companion… to not be lonely anymore. To have a best friend for a husband, and to have children of our own. I want that so much. And the realisation that this will never happen for me, is what makes me so unhappy. It doesn’t matter how many people tell me ‘It’ll happen’, ‘There’s someone special out there for you, you’ll find him’, ‘People are having babies in their forties a lot more nowadays’, ‘You’re a lovely person, you deserve love and happiness’…. it honestly doesn’t matter how many people say these words…. they’re empty. They mean nothing in my life. These are things usually said by people who have the very things I lack. Some women are lucky in life. They have their looks on their side. They have confidence. They aren’t as intense, and don’t have BPD. They have great jobs. They have lots of friends. They live alone. They have experience. I have nothing. I have no experience. I have a lot of experience of mental illness. I have low self-esteem, I feel I’m ugly. I feel I’m a mess inside and out. And nobody has shown a genuine interest in my many years of availability. Not a proper interest. They were either jerks or the one guy who was a friend, but didn’t spell it out clearly enough for me at the time that he liked me, so I missed it, I missed him, and my ex-best friend came and swept up the pieces for herself when I was out of the country. Now she’s happy at the expense of my life. I lost everything the moment she went behind my back. Nothing’s been the same since.

 

Even if I hadn’t ended up with the guy, my life could’ve been so different now if she hadn’t done what she did. I’d have still had my group of friends. I would’ve got out more and met more people, built my confidence and have felt less isolated. I would still have trust for people. I’d have hope. So she honestly took so much from me. If it hadn’t happened, six years ago now… I could well have been married by now. But what happened traumatised me, as it sent a shockwave through my whole life – everything changed overnight. And I’ll admit I still hate her for it and can’t forgive her. Not yet. It damaged me and I’ve not met a single person yet, dedicated enough, to help me fix myself.

 

passing time

 

 

I’ve shut off from getting close to anyone. I have closed off to men. I did meet one recently who couldn’t be more off-limits, but I’d love to use him as a template for who would be right for me. I think my taste in men has improved, and I’m on the right track. The trouble is finding one who is single and that even slightly resembles what I need… at my age most of the good ones are spoken for. And I don’t want to settle for someone who settles for me, if that makes sense…? I don’t want to have to accept someone, because they have no other options left. I guess a part of me feels if anybody wants me they must be desperate. And I don’t want desperate. I want to know I stand out above every other woman for him. I want to be chosen. I want my own love story.

 

I’m just constantly aware of the passing of time. I know they make jokes about a woman’s biological clock… it’s no laughing matter. But that’s not actually what this is. This is more the feeling that I’m going to be alone forever. And that I will never give my parents grandchildren. And they deserve to be grandparents. They’d be amazing grandparents. And I wish I could give them that gift. That opportunity. It hurts me so much that I can’t do that right now…

 

I’m upset again. Because I think about the fact we’re all getting older. We never know what’s around the corner. We never know how long we have in this life. It’s all tied in with not wanting to lose them too. But to think I might lose them having never given them grandchildren… I can hear my heart breaking… And if by some miracle I do get to be a mother one day, but not for another ten / fifteen years… what if my parents aren’t here anymore, for advice, support, and to build memories with?

 

There’s just this permeating loneliness in my life. There’s the reality that if things continue as they are… I have one grandparent left. After that I have my parents. If they go, I have my brother… but he might not live in this country by then. If I don’t meet someone, I will be alone in this world. Nobody could ever understand facing that prospect. And that’s why feeling supported and cared about by my friends matters to me, and when I feel isolated and alone, it cuts me to pieces. Because this fear of being alone is a very strong possibility for me. I don’t have a fear of being alone, as in spending time on my own – I welcome it, I need it otherwise I get overwhelmed. But I do have a fear of ending up alone, and of being isolated and lonely. To me that’s a very rational fear. For me it’s this fear that my life is pointless. What is the point of my existence if I don’t bring children into this world? I know some people can’t or choose not to have children, and I don’t think that of them! But for myself I do, because what else have I achieved in my life? I feel all I’ve been is a burden. I have nothing for anyone to be proud of. I’ve not known happiness ever in my life. I don’t want our line to die out. I want to experience everything others get to.

 

all be gone

 

 

I’ve already had to accept that my granddad never got to see me be happy. He never saw me with anyone. He never saw me succeed. He’ll never be at a wedding of mine. He’ll never meet any children I could have. And that shattered my heart back then. I also have to accept that my nan won’t see it either. It won’t happen quickly enough to allow for that. So I’m just sat watching the people I love age, and die, and I’m still in the same place – worse actually as my mental health has gone downhill… it’s like I’m so desperate to be happy and loved, and to be a mother and have them all meet my potential children, but I’m trapped in circumstances beyond my control… and all the while I’m watching them all slip away. I feel by the time it might happen for me, they’ll all be gone.

 

So when people say it’ll happen for me, I want them to realise it’s already happened for them. They don’t know it’s going to happen for me. And if it does happen for me it’s going to hurt so much if it happens too late to share it with the people I love. I want them to see me happy and loved. I don’t want them all to die, knowing I’m so deeply depressed, hate myself, I’m lonely and not heading anywhere good. I want them to know I’ll be okay. But I’m not happy. I’m not loved. I’m not okay. And I have to live with the guilt of that every day.

 

I’m always told not to put this sort of pressure on myself. But try being me. Try being my age, with my mental illness, with my relationship history or lack thereof, my looks, my achievements or lack thereof, my small but wonderful family and tell me you wouldn’t feel bad for this predicament…

 

I feel like a failure. And I feel it’s beyond my control, because nobody will ever want to settle down with me. So I feel powerless to do what I want to do in my life – to be a mother one day. I do feel I’ve given up before I’ve even tried. But I’m tired. I’m tired of all the hurt. I’m tired of trusting people who end up hurting me. I’m tired of all the games. I’m tired of waiting and hoping. I’m tired of believing it exists for me. I’m tired of wanting people I can’t have. I’m tired of getting attached and abandoned. I’m just done with it all. My past has broken me. Once upon a time I was a good prospect. I was young, thin, full of hope and not so cynical. Then shit happened. And you can see on my face, in my hair, in my body, on my arm, the way I walk, talk and distance myself from people, that shit happened. I can see it in photos, behind my eyes, that shit happened. And I wish we could go back to before shit happened…. before I decided I don’t want to do life anymore. But we can’t.

 

So please don’t say to me that I will meet someone, have children, be happy…. you don’t know that, and it means nothing. Please, instead say ‘I hope you find the happiness I know you deserve’. Hope is at least something. It’s something I have nothing of right now, but saying that it will happen one day, is actually very dismissive of how I  feel at the moment. I’ve got nothing against friends wishing happiness for me, and wishing I had someone to love. That would be a beautiful thing to feel… that it’s wished for me. But don’t invalidate my pain by saying it won’t always be this way. Because in my reality it will. You don’t know me well enough to say that… nobody does.

 

shit happened 2

 

 

I know I struggle with my mental illness, but all that aside, I know I would be a wonderful mum. I know I have the mothering instincts. I know how to communicate with children. I know how to teach them. I know how to have fun. I’m protective and nurturing. I would give my children the world. I’d make sure they lived as well as my family have. I’d model their upbringing on the great upbringing I had. I wish I could have that opportunity to be a mother.

 

It’s something I long to do. And I wish life had panned out differently. I was given life, and in that moment I was born, surely there must have been hopes for my future. There must have been dreams of what I’d be when I grew up, and who I’d meet, and the children I’d have – the family holidays we’d all go on… the Christmases spent together… them watching their grandchildren grow up. Somewhere inside, even if they deny it, there must have been hopes. And I hate that my life has turned out this way. That I’ve let them down. Not only have I not given them grandchildren. I’m still a burden on them. They never make me think this in the slightest, but I feel like I’ve ruined their lives. They should be enjoying their lives now, without me, and I’m still here, like a parasite. I feel I’m holding them back. I feel I’m robbing them of their lives. If I was them I would regret bringing me into this world. And that kills me, because there was a time they’d have been so happy about having me, and I just think if they’d known then, how much of a strain life would be for me, and subsequently for them… would they have bothered being so happy to bring me into this world?

 

I’m sorry, I’m so upset. I can’t stop crying this afternoon. I just hate myself and my existence so much right now. I’m not coping with anything. I don’t know the way forward. It seems impossible. I wish I was a child again. I wish I could get back all those years after I left school, and do things differently. I have so much regret. But things have got too  bad now to be able to use that regret to power me towards what I do want. I’m just paralysed by it. I’ve missed too much, and now there’s nothing left. I don’t know what to do.

Open Letter: Thank You.

To everyone I know,

Thank you for caring. Thank you for checking up on me. Thank you for answering my pleas for help. Thank you for noticing I was drowning, and for choosing to reach out your hands and save me. Thank you for valuing my life when I couldn’t value it myself. Thank you for noticing I’m gone, and for worrying about me. Thank you for being my friends. Thank you for including me. Thank you for talking to me, and inviting me to meet up. Thank you for telling me you care. Thank you for reassuring me you’re not going anywhere, and that I’m not an awful person. Thank you for letting me know you miss me.

Thank you all for passing on your wishes and letting me know you were thinking of me, on the first anniversary of the death of my granddad, my first loss, it meant a lot to know I wasn’t alone in my grief. Thank you for letting me know that people are there for me in hard times. Thank you for the sympathy when I was so ill I was scared I wouldn’t be able to breathe. Thank you for showing concern about my worsening mental health. Thank you for not taking my behaviour personally, and for seeing it as me needing your support. Thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for forgiving me and helping me improve my life. Thank you for your great communication and advice. Thank you for not hating me.

Thank you for understanding my mental illness, or at least taking the time to learn about it if you didn’t understand it. Thank you for listening to me. Thank you for validating my feelings, my experiences and my way of thinking. Thank you for not acting like you know my own illness better than I do. Thank you for making me feel safe to open up to you.

Thank you for not taking sides against me. Thank you for giving me the benefit of the doubt. Thank you for being so compassionate. Thank you for your patience and tolerance of the difficulties I face because of BPD. Thank you for understanding my fear of abandonment and for not putting me through that fear, by leaving me for weeks and weeks at a time, isolated, thinking you all hate me. Thank you so much for easing my fear. Thank you for putting my mind at rest. Thank you for rallying round me at the shittest point in my life. Thank you for remembering who I am outside of this mental illness. Thank you for wanting me to stay alive, and caring about my desire to end my life.

Thank you for sharing with me. Thank you for opening up to me, and letting me BE a friend to you. Thank you for being close to me and for giving me a hug when I so desperately need it. Thank you for seeing that I’m in need of that kind of contact, having nobody for myself I don’t have an emotional connection, so it means a lot. Thank you for putting me as a person before my political beliefs. Thank you for seeing my worth. Thank you for making sure I see my OWN worth. Thank you for wishing the best for me. Thank you for hoping I find my own happiness with someone one day. Thank you for understanding the loneliness I feel, and making allowances, and making a tiny bit of time for me, to make me feel less alone. Thank you for actively doing things to make me feel better, rather than just saying you wish there was something you could do. Thank you for taking the initiative and doing something nice for me. Thank you for appreciating the things I did for you. Thank you for understanding why I can’t be there for you right now. Thank you for telling me you’re not going to leave me. Thank you for seeing my good qualities and reminding me of them when I’m being hard on myself. Thank you for giving me hope. Thank you for encouraging me. Thank you for your silent presence when I don’t want to talk, but don’t want to be alone. Thank you for making me feel good about myself. Thank you for not seeing me as a lost cause.

Thank you for all the effort you put into caring about me, and for not being indifferent towards me. Thank you for making me feel you can’t live without me. Thank you for leaving me in no doubt that you’re my friend. Thank you for your consistency, your loyalty and your empathy. Thank you for standing by my side through everything and never forgetting I’m your friend.

Thank you.

Thank you for thinking everything I’ve just said is true, when it’s the furthest from the truth it could ever be.

xxxx

Christmas… (With A Mental Illness).

Christmas

 

Christmas. Need I say more? Do we really have to do Christmas this year?

This time of year can be difficult for those of us with a mental illness. There’s so much joy and excitement in the air, and people being ‘merry’, going to parties, ‘getting in the spirit’, talking about their plans.

 

Those with a mental illness can find it a stressful time… an upsetting time… a lonely time. I know it’s hard for some to comprehend but some of us find Christmas and the New Year…. sad. For some of us it’s a time of reflection… thinking of people we’ve lost… things we haven’t achieved… how lonely we feel. I hate the New Year and in actual fact the last few years I’ve slept through it, as I hate that moment when midnight strikes, and I think about all the people I wish I had in my life, all out there at that same moment, celebrating a new year, getting on with their lives whilst I’m still stuck where I’ve always been. I only stayed up for the New Year last year, to be with my family, as it was going to be the last one before my granddad passed away… I wanted to be supportive of my family… we’d had such a rubbish year last year and all wanted to kick that year out the door, and welcome a new one in. We knew it wouldn’t be a ‘better year’, as we knew we’d be facing that loss at some point, but it was good to start a different year.

 

This time of year can be difficult for those of us with a mental illness.

 

I used to love Christmas, but now I hate the bugger. I feel I should get one of those ‘Bah humbug’ hats. For the last six, seven years or so Christmas has felt worse and worse. This is because I am chronically alone. I never have a special someone to share it with, and I’d love that more than anything. I know I have my family, and I love them more than life itself – they’re the reason I hold on to my life! We have a lovely Christmas together. I just wish for once I could be happy with someone, and he could be a part of my Christmas too. It sucks always being the single, lonely one… every single year. And feeling that because of my mental illness I will never find someone who could love me, and stick with me. Christmas reminds me of what I don’t have. I’m able to fool myself for the rest of the year, that I like being on my own, but when Christmas comes around the loneliness glares at me.

 

Glares

 

This year is worse. This year is the first Christmas since my first loss. My granddad isn’t here anymore. He was ill last Christmas. He had been in hospital for six weeks, where we almost lost him, and after that he was at home in bed, for three months before Christmas. He had changed in his mind after going into hospital. He had times he wasn’t really there. He wouldn’t always know who we were or where he was. I decorated a small Christmas tree for his room last year, so that he could still feel a part of Christmas. We knew it would likely be the last one. We didn’t know at the time, but in less than three months he would be gone.

The day before the funeral was a big fallout, that still hasn’t been resolved, and until those at fault apologise to us, it never will be. They’ve always been a problem, and this time they crossed the line. But we should have been pulling together as a family after my granddad went, and he would be so upset that his death split the family up. We should’ve been helping each other through it. I’ve not been coping with his loss at all. Along with other issues it’s led to me harming myself a lot more, not wanting to be here… my family should be a source of support. But they probably aren’t even aware how badly I’ve been coping with it. They don’t talk to my parents, so they don’t talk to me either (not that I want them to now anyway – they’re in my bad books until they acknowledge what they did and make up for it!). I even felt it at the funeral… being the youngest of the family I would’ve liked my cousins etc to be protective of me and make sure I was okay. They said hello and goodbye to me. That’s all. This lack of caring and support from ‘family’ only adds to my sense of loneliness, isolation and grief. So there’s bad blood in the family this year to contend with too.

There’s the fact he’s no longer here. The fact my nan is alone. We don’t feel like celebrating. When people think about ‘What do you want for Christmas??’ – I want him to be here again. I want to have him back and well. I want happiness. I want good health for myself and those I love. I want someone to love and who loves me. I want inner peace and to like myself. I don’t want anything that can be bought. I want the impossible.

And then there’s recent events for me – my therapy and worsening mental health. My attachment to one of the facilitators of the group. The hopeless feeling of love towards him, which I thought would get better after finishing the group, but it’s only feeling worse right now. I will never see him again. It feels like another bereavement, and just before Christmas too… makes it even harder. It’s like I’ve had my heart broken, and gone through a break-up with someone I never even had. It’s hard to recover from that, because if it was a real break-up there’d at least be some happy memories in there… I could say ‘We had our chance’… I can’t do that here. And I’m grieving for him, but he’s still living… It’s very hard to know how to process a love that isn’t real, a break-up that didn’t happen, and the death of a person still living. I don’t know how to cope with love when it is real! Or a break-up when it does happen. Or a death when they’re truly gone forever – all of these ideas are new to me!! So to have it all not be ‘real’… it’s messed my head up, and the worst bit is I’ve now been left to deal with it pretty much alone.

Therapy has ended. They didn’t really help that much. I’ve been offered two sessions with someone to work on transference, but otherwise that’s it… I’ve just been left to pick up the jagged pieces that continue to cut me, every time I think about him.

I’m going to be in pain this Christmas anyway, but with the loss of him, and missing him, it’s going to be even tougher. I would’ve loved just one Christmas where I wasn’t missing a guy, pining over a guy, crying over a guy. This was set to be the first Christmas in years that I could say that, and then I had to start this group in September and boom… ruined. So yeah…. not feeling too festive this year….

You hear all the songs in the shops, and I don’t know what’s worse for someone grieving, someone who’s depressed, lonely and hates themselves…

  • “So this is Christmas, and what have you done? Another year over, a new one just begun”…. What have I done? Bugger all, thanks. Survived maybe. Oh another year is over, and I’m still in the same place I was last year… or even worse – I’ve gone backwards.
  • “So here it is Merry Christmas, everybody’s having fun…. Look to the future now it’s only just begun” … Everyone’s having fun are they? Well I’m not. Thanks for rubbing that in. Look to the future?? What if you see no future for yourself? What if the idea of the future fills you with pure dread?
  • “It’ll be lonely this Christmas without you to hold; it’ll be lonely this Christmas, lonely and cold” … You don’t say…. two things in this one thank you…. loneliness and the fact I’ve lost someone I love. I’m avoiding this song at all costs at the moment.
  • “I just want you for my own, more than you could ever know; make my wish come true – all I want for Christmas is you” … Kicks me in the heart right now, as there’s someone I wish I could have, who I cannot have… and as usual, every Christmas there is someone I do want who can’t be mine. This was going to be the first year without that problem, but now that’s ruined.
  • “It’s Christmastime there’s no need to be afraid… at Christmastime we let in light and we banish shade” … For some it is a time to be afraid… afraid of our own minds and if we’ll make it out alive. I fear how I will get through Christmas and the New Year. And if you’re depressed it’s a dark place…. just having something called ‘Christmas’ doesn’t suddenly make it any lighter.
  • “Time for parties and celebrations, people dancing all night long; time for presents and exchanging kisses, time for singing Christmas songs” … I don’t get invited to parties. Even if I did I likely wouldn’t go, as I don’t like them. It’s all joy, material gifts and people snogging each other. No joy here. I want things that can’t be wrapped up. And kisses… yeah, right.
  • “It’s the most wonderful time of the year” … No, it’s not. If you’re happy, loved, and have hope then perhaps. If you’re mentally ill then it’s probably one of the worst.

I think ‘Fairytale of New York’ is the safest bet for a Christmas song….. Who knows what the heck they’re even singing about anyway!?

This year has been hard, with the loss of my granddad, the health of another close family member, the family fallout, friend issues, my own worsening mental health, the ‘transference’ issue – which has left me feeling like someone I love has been ripped away from me against my will; losing support of the mental health services at this time of year, whilst in the most challenging period of my life….. and now I’m supposed to do ‘Christmas’ too?? No thanks.

 

sui thoughts

 

For me, like many others with mental health problems, this is a time of year to simply survive and get through… and then we start a new year, and have nothing to look forward to, as it’s just going to be more of the same – depression, anxiety, loss, heartbreak and suicidal thoughts.

So if you’re out there being jolly and loving Christmas, spare a thought not just for the poor and the homeless this Christmas, but also for those who cannot find a smile on even the most ordinary of days, who have to force themselves through the festivities whilst battling their own demons. Think of those who won’t make it through this time of year, and those who only just scrape by…. Don’t call us Scrooge. Don’t call us The Grinch. We’re not ‘party poopers’ … we’re fighters, and we fight our mental illness every single day, including Christmas Day… Mental illness doesn’t give us the day off. Please remember that.

 

Scrooge

 

And if you’re feeling low, scared and lonely this Christmas, just know you’re not alone. There’s a whole army of survivors out there, feeling just the same, just aiming to get through this time of painful reminders. We’re all in it together, and will still be here to support each other on the other side. Let’s remember each other this Christmas.

Xxxx

Poem: Life Or Death.

*This poem is about suicide / suicidal thoughts, so please take care*

 

Life Or Death

 

The tragedy of our time…

So many heavily burdened souls,

Stepping off that ledge,

Pressing down on that wrist,

Swallowing those pills,

Wishing it didn’t have to be like this…

So many suffering spirits, tired of this life,

Yet not wanting to die.

Not wishing to say goodbye.

Purely longing for a change in fortune,

A silence in their minds

For people to be more kind.

For the pain and torment to cease,

Simply seeking a moment’s peace

In a messed up world.

To feel a sense of purpose,

Belonging,

To no longer feel alone.

To believe they matter to someone out there,

To receive the right level of help and care.

We don’t want to die.

We just don’t want to live,

Not the way life is…

And these dark thoughts fool us to think,

We’re a burden, a strain, a nuisance, a pain.

We’d be doing all a favour to rid the world of us.

In the bleakness of despair we think not

Of the grief, the aftermath, the fuss.

All there is, is a choice…

Life or death.

But with the life laid before us,

There seems no choice at all.

Life is too overpowering and leaves us feeling small,

Irrelevant,

Dispensable

Forgettable.

We write that note,

Do that deed,

And if indeed we do succeed,

They will never know

We never truly wanted to go.

We longed to be saved,

And so many efforts were tirelessly made

To hold on just one more day,

To seem ‘okay’,

And believe that one person in this world needed us to stay.

But the truth is too painful to say.

We’re alone in life,

Alone in death,

Our pain, only visible once we take that last breath.

Invisible, we go unseen,

Not a soul could notice something’s wrong.

They’ll only discover it when we’re gone.

I’ve been gone a while now,

If not in body, then in spirit.

I’ve been crying out for love and help

But nobody cares to hear it.

I fear where this path will take me,

But what more can I do?

I sent a message out loud and clear,

It’s just not getting through.

I matter not,

To him,

To her,

To anyone…

But I’m sure I will, only too late,

Once the deed is done.

 

Life Is Hard.

hardness

 

*Contains strong language and mentions self-harm*

 

I sometimes have days where I ask myself, ‘Why can’t I just be normal?’ ‘Why can’t I cope with things?’ ‘Why am I so sensitive?’ ‘Why do I let things affect me so much?’… Today was one of those days.

I went into work and I felt preoccupied, as I was expecting a phone call from the doctor. I hate phone calls, appointments, anything that involves waiting, and particularly using the phone. The anxiety is too much for me and I can’t focus on anything else. I didn’t realise it was such a burden to me until I’d finished the call, and it felt like a weight had been lifted, and I began to talk to people more.

I also reacted to what a colleague said, or rather the manner she said it in, quite loudly in front of people. When I say ‘reacted’, I mean I walked away to calm down. So I’m definitely doing better than I always feared I’d do at work. I’m prone to outbursts, of either tears or anger. But so far I’ve managed to keep a lid on it, and only walked off and harmed myself a couple of times, without anyone knowing. I usually walk off, go outside or just out of sight of anyone, and breathe, or talk to someone objective if I feel able to. Most of the time I don’t want to, as I want to remain strong, and not cry. So I’ll just take a couple of minutes, compose myself and then walk back out as if nothing happened. This is a way I’ve found that works for me.

But I just found I was judging myself today, for having to walk off in the first place. For having a reaction. For taking something so personally. I just thought ‘Why the hell can’t you be like everyone else and just not let it get to you??’ … I felt like my colleague knew she’d upset me, but she hadn’t meant anything against me, and I was just being too sensitive. I felt bad, as if she’ll feel like she can’t say anything to me now, in case it upsets me, and makes me harm myself (now that she knows that’s an issue for me).

I just want to be able to cope, and behave and think like a normal human being.

I’m aware that after my breakdown a month ago I’ve been a lot more anxious and depressed, and my confidence has taken a nosedive. I jumped back into ‘normality’ too quickly. I even had to talk to the manager about this today, and she said ‘Just keep positive’….?! Don’t think it really works like that! I know she’s worried I’ll try something again, but all I was saying is I haven’t recovered from what happened. I’m not strong at the moment. I need patience and understanding. It was my way of saying ‘Look, I’m not okay still… I’m finding it hard to be here’.

Every single time I go into work, I’m bluffing my way through it, so that I can go home and be myself and protect myself again. I’m having to recover from working. If I had it my way I would stop for now – it is voluntary after all. But I’m aware that this might be counterproductive when thinking of my self-esteem and confidence. But I feel trapped because of that thought. I feel I have to keep going there. But each time I go is traumatic. I have to just hold it together. I’m not coping with stress as well as before. I feel delicate, and like at any moment I could go. And this makes me hate myself. And it makes me think others will get fed up with me being how I am… now I’ve ‘changed’ after my breakdown.

I can’t win. I either keep working, to try and maintain my ‘confidence and self-esteem’, but can’t cope with being there, and potential problems, don’t handle it well and this knocks my confidence and self-esteem. Or I have a break, but if I do have a break to look after myself, it’s still going to be hard when I restart. These are the times I feel the urge to give up on life. Because no matter what I do I’m going to hurt. I’m going to suffer. It’s going to be too much.

At times like this I feel I can never fit in this world. I’m too sensitive. I’m too emotional. I’m too fragile. I’m trying to tell myself it’s just the bad patch I’m in right now, convincing me of that. I’m just struggling to fit in and carry on at the moment. But I honestly question how someone with BPD is supposed to function in life, like a normal human being, and survive it, and achieve anything.

I feel I’ve had too many major knocks, and not enough happiness, that now even the smallest knocks feel like steamrollers. There isn’t a balance in my life. There’s too much negative. But I can’t do anything about that. I can’t magically create the positive. I can’t make people treat me well. I can’t conjure up someone who could fall in love with me, warts and all. I can’t just BE happy. Most of my good memories are tainted by something bad. I know lots of people think there’s an easy answer to depression and mental illness, and it’s about holding on to the positives. But when your life has been lacking in positives, and you’ve just had people shit on you for years, it’s impossible to feel remotely good about life.

When you’ve never had a relationship… when the only guys who’ve wanted you, have only wanted you for one thing and failed to see your worth…. when three of your friends hurt and betrayed you all at the same time, and you lost them all…. when you’ve wasted years of your life not achieving anything because of your mental illness…. when you’ve NEVER got what you want…. it’s hard to view life in a wonderful way.

Some people get all the luck. Sure we all have our problems. But most people who have tried to advise me over the years, have had a lot more on the positive side of the scale, to balance it out. They haven’t got a clue what it’s like to be so weighed down by the negatives, because of a lack of positives (not by choice), plus having mental health problems too. One friend gave up on me because of my ‘negativity’ apparently. Well fuck her. She hasn’t got the first clue what it’s like to be me. To have fought against my own mind for sixteen years…. to have been mistreated by ‘men’…. alone my whole life…. hurt by shitty friends like her…. to name just a few things. It’s called a mental illness. I’m sorry if that makes me seem ‘negative’. But I promise you if you had this mental illness and had all that crap happen to you, you’d seem a bit ‘negative’ too.

I need life to give me a fucking break! I need life to hand me a little bit of happiness. I need to meet people who will treat me right, without me having to ask for it. People who see my worth, and value me as a person, not a piece of meat. I need people I can trust. I need people who only want to make me happy, and to keep me in their lives. People who want to create memories with me and experience life with me. I need people who won’t leave. I need opportunities for happiness. But it’s mainly down to other people. I need people to treat me better. And because they don’t I assume there’s something wrong with me. So the problem is not fixed by me changing, it is an external change that is needed – I need life to treat me kinder. To balance out my scale with some pure positivity. Until that happens I am out of balance. I am negative. I am thinking of giving up on life, because what is the bloody point? What is the point in life if I’m just here to suffer, for the sake of everyone else’s happiness? That is how I feel right now. I’m sorry.

Life is hard for me right now. And I wish I had someone to call my own, someone who loved me unconditionally, and wanted to protect me and comfort me. But I face this battle alone. No matter if I see my friends, or go to my therapy group, at the end of the day I am alone. I’m alone in my head. I’m alone in this world. I have to force myself out of bed. I have to pull myself through work. I have to slap on a face for the outside world. I have to pretend I’m not about to fall apart and do ‘something stupid’. I have to keep on living, when all I want to do is tear my arm open and put myself into a psych ward, just to get away from the pressures and responsibilities of life out here. It is so hard. I’m crying as I write this, as that’s how hard it is to just be right now. I don’t think anyone gets that…

Life’s Love Lost.

Lifelost.jpg

 

Life is hard to get through at the moment. I feel I’m living day by day, just trying to survive each day, towards what goal I really don’t know. Maybe towards enjoying life again. I’m finding it really hard to feel genuinely interested in life right now. I feel very depressed. I want to do therapy, but I don’t want to do life… but I suppose there’s no point in doing therapy if you’re not going to do life. It’s just difficult at the moment.

After I had my incident last week, the focus was on that and recovering from it, so it gave me a focus. I have my occasional good thing to look forward to. But otherwise I just feel flat. I feel empty and like everything’s pointless. There’s no spark in me at the moment. I feel emotionally overwhelmed, but mainly negative emotions. I can’t concentrate on one thing. My mind is racing. I’m being attacked by sadness, guilt, shame, anger, fear, embarrassment, loneliness, despair, self-loathing, anxiety, grief, the past, the present, and flashbacks. But it’s all happening quietly inside my head, so nobody would know the chaos. Harming myself last week stopped the chaos. But now it’s back. And I don’t know what to do.

I feel exhausted. I want a break from life. I want some happiness. I want what I can’t have.

I can’t cope with life. I don’t feel strong right now. The outside world is overwhelming. Noises, people’s tempers and manners, light, smells, it’s all too much. I feel tense and anxious outside now. And I feel like crying most of the time at home. I feel like life is happening around me, and I’m in a bubble, just fumbling through life… floating around pretending to be a fully-functional adult human being. I feel on the edge again. I feel close to snapping point. I don’t feel I’ve recovered from the ordeal of last week yet, and I’ve started trying to be normal again too soon. And I feel my ‘trigger point’ is much lower than it was before.

Life just sucks right now. I’m trying my hardest to battle on, uphill, but there’s so many emotions working against me, trying to break me down again. Nothing feels good now. Life feels so empty and distant. I’m not a participant. I’m a spectator. I feel I’m stuck in a boggy marshland, and can’t get myself out of it, and the only logical thing to do is to let go and let it swallow me up. I’m wishing days away, but I don’t know what it is I’m aiming for. I usually have something I’m looking forward to, but I don’t have that right now. Nothing big enough to give me reason to really live. I live from therapy session to therapy session. Or from seeing my friend, to seeing my friend again. And the rest of the days are just to ‘get through’ so I can crawl into bed and be one step closer to the next thing. And that time in between goes too slowly, and I don’t like it. I am so depressed right now, that I’m BORED. And I never get bored. I’ll always find something to do to occupy my time. In fact I often have so much I want to do, and not enough time to do it all. But right now the motivation is lacking, and nothing holds my interest enough. Everything I do feels like an escape from something. It feels like I’m running away from a monster, but the monster is inside me. It’s my emotions. It’s my past. It’s my feelings and self-esteem. And nothing I do makes a difference. I can’t outrun the monster inside of me.

My life is one big mess right now, and the one person I want to fix it, can’t. I want to be saved. I want to be protected. I want to be loved. I want a reason to live. There just isn’t one. Recovery is hard. And I feel incredibly alone with it right now. Because nobody truly knows what went on in my head last week, and nobody knows what I’m having to deal with in the aftermath. It’s very lonely. And that just compounds the problem that led to the self-harm last week. I said I’d never do that again, not like I did. But I’m so desperate to right now. And that urge is disturbing me. It was my ‘escape life’ pass, and I jumped back into life too quickly, that now I want out again. I want out. I just want to not feel like this…. I don’t even know what I’m feeling anymore.