* Contains bad language towards the end, and suicidal feelings*
I have struggled lately. I’ve felt overwhelmed and severely isolated. I was totally on my own for a date that was particularly hard for me. I reached out, I admitted I was struggling, and as usual nobody was there. I lie – one person was and has consistently been there in the last couple of weeks. Other than that, nothing. I blogged about my invisibility issue, and silence there too. Nobody else has spoken to me, neither light-hearted chit-chat, nor support. I feel dead to the world.
I messaged the one person who has been there, to tell them why I was doing what I was doing, and then closed my Facebook account. At least now there’s a reason they don’t talk to me, because they can’t. I know people are just living their lives, not ignoring me to hurt me, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t have an impact on me. It does. It makes me feel like a ghost. It makes me feel worthless and lonely, and like I could drop dead and none of them would even notice, let alone care.
I decided as soon as I got back from my break, if nobody was talking to me that was it, I was closing my account, isolating myself and focusing on me. I might as well be as alone as I feel. I no longer need to stay in contact with family through it now I’m back, so no point being on there. I’ve had enough.
Of course as soon as I do something like that I hear from people, saying they were about to send me a message. Sorry, but where were the messages when I needed people? Where were the messages when I needed to not feel alone? I’m not saying that people don’t have their reasons for not talking to me. I know full well they do – they have a lot going on. So many of my friends are going through major changes, problems, their own mental health struggles. I’m more aware of it than they give me credit for! That isn’t what I’m annoyed about. I’m annoyed that I keep feeling this way. I’m sick of the (not so) merry-go-round. I’m sick of the battle in my mind. I’ve given up and I’m going with the hijacker. There’s only so many times you can fight your own thoughts, and tell yourself it’s paranoia, whilst people do nothing to prove otherwise. Eventually the evidence stacks up that it’s not paranoia. If nobody will help me see another version of the truth then I’ll listen to the hijacker in my mind. I’ll let him drive me away from everyone. Better to be with him than to be sitting around watching shadows of old friendships, whilst chasing after crumbs. I’ve been through all that with ‘Joe’. I deserve more. Or I need more. The lack of care and support I’ve experienced in my life tells me I don’t deserve it…
Nobody seems to get how desperately lonely and broken I feel. Each time I feel this way I try and explain it, in the hope people won’t leave me in this state again, but they always do. So what else am I supposed to do? I’m so sorry, but I give up on people. It shouldn’t take me having a breakdown, disappearing offline, or harming myself before people take notice and show their care. I’m done. I can’t keep going through this.
I hate who I’ve become, but it’s this illness. It’s the last year or two, on top of an already painful past. I’m spiritually done. I can no longer care for the niceties and pretending everything’s okay. It’s not. I want all the pain to go away. I want to be happy. I want to be who I used to be, and have what I used to have. But it was all taken from me. That destroyed me. My experiences last year have changed me forever. This year has been so isolating… so excruciatingly lonely. People I care about and who brought me joy, I’ve not seen in 6 months. I feel everything and everyone slipping away. I can’t take that pain. I’ve already lost so much, I can’t take any more loss. People I talked to, suggesting meeting up, they never got back to me and we never met up. What more can I do? I’m sick of the silent rejection, it’s a killer. Just tell me you don’t want to know me! Stop speaking to me in silence. Stop expecting me to get the message. Stop delivering the message through other people, it’s not fair.
I see people living their lives, having no time for me anymore, and it’s crushed me, because I’m always met with the same ‘I’ve had a lot to think about… I’m busy….’ routine. I know that. I can see that. Please stop implying I’m being selfish in wanting to maintain a friendship through it all. It hurts. I’m sorry I want to matter to friends. I’m sorry I have an awful mental illness that makes me need more from you than you’re able to give – I didn’t choose this. I’m sorry I’m really sad at how much our lives have changed – well yours has… mine has stayed the same or got worse even…. and now we hardly see each other. I’m sorry that I feel I’m losing you and that I no longer matter… that I’m being forgotten. I’m crying as I write this, because that’s how upset I am when I think about the friendships I used to have, and now everyone’s grown up… they have different priorities… and I’m not one of them. It’s hard. People would say it’s a part of life, but they don’t understand I have nothing in life. I need friends. I rely on them because I have nobody else.
I’m really ill at the moment. It’s emotional torture. Perpetual hell. I’m trapped. The past and the present hurt me so much. I’m afraid of the near future – the things I have to get through soon. Feeling invisible to people who are meant to care is just too much on top of that. So I can’t deal with that right now.
I used to have a ‘poetry fanclub’ where I’d share my poems with friends in a group on Facebook. I eventually stopped posting in there as I realised nobody really looked at them. I felt invisible then. I felt nobody cared what I had to say. I felt what’s the point? It’s like an endless experience of rejection… that’s what my life feels like. Being ignored or not noticed is a form of rejection and abandonment… the very things that destroy someone like me. That’s why I’m withdrawing. People may not mean to hurt me by their neglect, but that doesn’t mean they’re not hurting me. And I hurt double because I know it’s not deliberate, so I blame myself for expecting too much of people, and for reacting how I do. But I’m sick of it all.
I needed people to be there when it mattered. They always wait until it’s too late. I can’t cope with it anymore. Either care while I’m there or let me go. I shouldn’t have to keep going through this. It’s destroying my self-worth and self-esteem. It’s making me hate myself. It’s making me close off from everyone. It’s making me give up on life. It would be different if it was one person not being there for me, but it always happens the same… I’m invisible to almost everyone at the same time. It’s like they all suddenly decide I don’t exist for a few weeks at a time… there’ll be just the odd one who actually steps up and recognises how I’m feeling and the care I need. I’m so grateful to those who do this. They tend to be single people most often, who understand mental illness, in particular this one I’m battling. Others just don’t get it. And how can they if they’ve never been there? If they’ve never felt the agonising loneliness, the crippling fear of abandonment, the feeling of not belonging to the world, not existing, being scarred both physically and mentally, and wanting to die nearly every day, and that feeling of every emotion being felt so much more intensely than they could ever comprehend, then how could they ever get me? How could they ever understand what hell this is, and what I need from them? I feel so misunderstood, but I have no energy left to explain it to people incapable of understanding it… people unwilling to understand it.
So I’m done being polite. I’m done with friendships of convenience. I’m done with being repeatedly rejected by society. I’m done with uncertainty. I’m done with being a ghost. I’m done with it all. if it makes me selfish so be it. I seem destined to be cast in the role of ‘the selfish one’ whatever I do – want people’s time, I’m selfish. Want to be alone, I’m selfish. Fuck it. All my life I’ve had selfish people accuse me of being selfish. If giving a fuck about myself and only myself, because nobody else gives up the time to give a fuck about me, then so be it. I’m fucking selfish. I have to protect myself from being treated this way. It’s not okay that they all make me feel like I don’t exist. It’s not okay that they make me relive my past. It’s not okay that the blame is put on me. It’s not okay that I’m left until it’s too late before anyone ‘cares’. And it’s not okay that they come back, make me think things will be different from now on, and then make me feel the same way. I can’t trust anyone anymore because of this unreliability and the sickeningly predictable unpredictability.
I hate that it seems like I’m asking too much of people. But things used to be okay. I never had this problem with friends. Not to this degree. And now I’m at one of the worst points in my life, the most ill I’ve been… I no longer know if this is just my illness seeing this and telling me nobody cares, or if in fact people genuinely do not give a shit about me anymore….. I feel if they did give a shit they’d communicate with me more. But then am I being too demanding? Am I asking for too much attention? Then I hate myself, and isolate myself more for being a bad person. Then I hate them all for making me feel like I’m a bad person for wanting to be loved and cared for. It just never STOPS. And I need it to stop. I feel sick. I don’t know how to make it stop, other than to pull away from everyone and be as alone as I feel. There is no other way for me.
Life is insanely hard at the moment. I don’t want to be here. I actually reached a place of calm earlier, thinking about the peace I would feel in death. I no longer cared about the things holding me back from doing anything. I just wanted all the noise and pain to stop. And I envied those who have gone from this world and don’t have to experience any of that anymore. I’m sorry, I know that’s bad to say. But I have very little to hold on to as reasons to live right now. My little family is about it. Everything else is bleak. It’s blackness and resentment. There’s no joy. No purpose. No hope. I have to keep telling myself to hold on another day. Things will feel better in the morning. Just get through it and keep going. But to what end? Everything is in tatters. I have no hope of finding love. I have nothing to aim for. I have no connection with friends. I have no role to fulfil. I have nothing to add meaning to life. What is the point in me limping on through life, hating every minute of it? What, just so that I don’t upset others by killing myself? I’m guilt-tripping myself into living in permanent pain. Nobody gets what that feels like. And I have to do it alone, because nobody talks to me. Not when I need someone. They’re never there. It just adds to the hell I feel.
I’m just so beyond done.