Poem: Him.

Him

 

Him

 

The intimate eyes I’ll never see,
The hand I’ll never hold,
The lips that never will meet with my own,
The love I’ll never be told.

The smile that doesn’t belong to me,
The arms that will not hold me close,
The heart that does not beat for me,
The soul I crave the most.

The secrets I will never know,
The life I cannot share –
Any other time or place
Life may not be this unfair.

A candle in my darkest depths,
A light to guide my way,
A reason to keep holding on
To stay and fight another day.

Inspiration to create,
To open up and to give,
A hope there’s purpose in the pain,
Encouragement to live.

A longing for requited love,
Sorrow when we part,
The rules are keeping me at bay,
And another owns your heart.

Tragically only mine to lose,
A tear falls from my eye…
You only came into my life
For another sad goodbye.

 

Haunted Love.

Sod it. I feel like I’m choking on my heart. I have poetry screaming inside me, that I am too scared to put to paper… I’m afraid to open that door and let the words out, because a whole heap of crap will come out with them. I have too much pain and love and grief coursing through my veins right now, that I have to let it out. I have to be the most honest I’ve ever been about something. I have to risk the embarrassment, the shame, being vulnerable, because this is gnawing away at me more each day.

I love you. I don’t give a shit what anyone thinks anymore. It means nothing. It’s irrelevant how I feel. I know that. But these are my feelings, and I do myself no favours in denying them. I shut them away for a long time. I stopped talking about you. I never stopped thinking about you. Not for a second. But I pretended it was no longer an issue. I still don’t talk about you, and I won’t. Because the second I do, I’ll be judged. I’ll be told to move on. I’ll be told it’s not real.

If it’s not real, then why the fuck does it hurt so much? I miss you so much. Afterwards, people said it must feel like a break-up (even knowing it was nothing like it!)… they recognised the feelings I was going through…. and I recall saying at the time it’s more than that. It was like you died. Because I knew I would never see you again in my lifetime. I knew your life would go on, so it felt like grieving for someone who was still alive. But in terms of my life, you did die.

Your memory speaks to me in my dreams. Your ghost even appeared to me the other day. And just as painfully that ghost disappeared, and I was reminded of your passing. Your ghost reminded me I haven’t grieved you. But I don’t want to grieve you. I don’t want to accept you’re gone forever. I don’t want life to be this way. I escape into my mind sometimes, where we can be together. And I’d much rather live there. You come to me in dreams, and I never want to wake up from them, yet a part of me forces myself awake, at the pain of realisation it’s only a dream. You’re gone. And I’m in pain because of it. What’s so wrong in admitting this? Why do I have to pretend it’s ‘not real’ in order to escape the embarrassment of actually experiencing such feelings? I was attracted to you in every single way possible. The first therapist to talk to me about it asked if I ‘fancied’ you. And whilst yes, I very much was attracted to you in that way, it was unbelievably so much more, and she cheapened it. From then on I felt stupid for how I felt about you. She compounded the problem.

I just got upset a moment ago, thinking about the way everything went…. wondering how different my life would be now if I had just kept it all to myself, pretending I felt nothing. What if I’d just dropped out of the group instead? My life hurtled out of control because of a stupid choice I made, and I couldn’t put the toothpaste back in the tube after that…. I had to just go with it. But it’s left me with such immense regret for my decisions. Opening up about all of this has been one of the hardest, shameful experiences of my life. I’ve felt pathetic. I’ve felt not ‘good enough’ to feel this way for you. I’ve felt hideous. Deluded. Ashamed. I feel embarrassed to talk about my feelings for you. My personal life is personal, and I’ve had to be very open about my lack of experience with such things. I don’t want people knowing the ways in which I think of you. I don’t want them pitying me. I don’t want them thinking I’m just fantasising or that I’m immature in my approach to feelings, and in my views of ‘love’.

Who is to say what ‘love’ really is.. what it means? Love is what you make of it at the time. Love is love. Sure I might meet somebody and fall in love with them, and realise that whenever I thought I was in love before, I was wrong… that this is real love. But something even stronger could come along after that….. it doesn’t mean I didn’t love before. Love changes. There isn’t one mould for love…. love isn’t something you achieve – it’s not something where you go ‘Aha! This is what love feels like! This is love, and anything before this was not love’. I used to believe that, but after meeting you I see love in a different way. There are also different kinds of love. Obviously this is unrequited love. This is ‘I love you even though I’m nothing to you’. Of course if I meet someone one day who loves me like I love them, that is what I will call real love.  But it’s a different love. It doesn’t mean the love I feel today didn’t exist. Love is an emotion. That is why I have to accept that I feel it towards you, because you can’t help how you feel. Obviously I’m not daft – the love I feel for you is different to the love your wife feels for you. I’m not totally insane, saying that ‘I love you more than anyone else ever could!’ – I have more sense than that. I try not to be too logical about how I’m feeling…. that would indicate that I think I stood a chance. I’m a dreamer – but I am a realist. I know the reality. I don’t need to get into the complexities of reality. But with the knowledge that my feelings of love are miniscule in the great scheme of things, I have to be true to how I personally feel, and accept that this is how I feel… as embarrassing as it may be. I’m working on it. I know I have to let go. I have to move on. But even though this was not any form of ‘relationship’ in the slightest, I have to allow myself to heal as though it was something. It takes me quite a time to recover from my feelings for men – I have such feelings so rarely – I become quite devoted in my affections and desires. I have to treat myself with the care I would in trying to overcome a break-up.

In some ways this is worse than a break-up, because a break-up would indicate you were together in the first place. You had your time. You had memories together. You had your shot, and in theory you could have that conversation to get some sort of closure. But with you and me, there was no ‘you and me’. There was no relationship. There was no time together, no memories. We didn’t ‘have our shot’. We didn’t have a conversation and closure, because the situation did not call for it, being a purely professional one.

This was nothing. I know that. I was reminded of that… that there’s no need for closure as nothing existed. I’m not stupid. I know I don’t deserve closure. I’ve had bad experiences in my past where I wasn’t given closure, and although this wasn’t a situation that warranted ‘closure’, it just would have been nice to be given a chance to heal those wounds from the past. To actually feel like things can be different, people can be wished well and given a chance to heal…. rather than everything always being left unfinished – wounds gaping open, and the world hurting.

I just feel so upset right now at the way things were handled. The scars I’m left with because of this, both physical and mental. And I feel doomed to experience the same pains over and over in my life, because not even fucking therapists want to help give me hope. Not even fucking therapists could see an opportunity to fix the broken bits of me… the bits that believe I’m not worth a conversation…. that people come and they just leave – leave my heart gashed open…. that I’m a burden. I feel so upset right now. I can’t stop crying, and all I want is for you to hold me and make it go away. But that never was, never will be, and I feel sick with myself for even wanting that. I feel like a bad person. But I just want you here.

 

I wish I’d never met you. Because living without you, having discovered you exist, it’s too much. If I close my eyes in the daytime, if I don’t think of you, all I see is destruction. It’s like everything else has died. Everything is dead. The only time I see light, is when I think of you. But that doesn’t last long… it turns to tears when I realise it’s all make-believe. Even you are dead in this world I’m living in, in reality.

 

I often try to think how to describe the pain I feel about all this…. it’s not easy. It’s like a pent-up scream…. like roaring in pain and sadness, but on the inside. If you externalised it, it would be just that – a noise. A very loud noise. But because it cannot be released vocally it sends painful waves throughout my body – you know that pulling in your chest when you hear something that breaks your heart? It’s like that, but through my whole body. It’s a heaviness. A depression. It travels straight to my eyes – sometimes I can cry, sometimes all I can do is stare blankly at the floor, feeling like I’ll explode from the grief. There is anger there, and I want to punch walls because of it. But it’s a lesser emotion. Sadness, grief, despair, hopelessness, heartache…. these are my emotions. And I’m not so good at coping with those emotions. They’re less reactive emotions, and more ruminative. I find it harder to pull myself out of these emotions… they paralyse me. It sometimes feels like someone is reaching into my chest and squeezing my heart and won’t let go – it feels like my heart stops beating, like it’s giving up… and I can’t breathe. I don’t even want to anymore. It’s in those moments I think ‘How am I ever going to carry on living with this pain, and you gone forever?’ That grasping of my heart, the despair of loss… it’s enough to make me not want to live anymore. In those moments I just want the world to end. If I can’t know you, and I can’t forget you, I can’t exist with the memory of you. It’s too much. It’s just too much.

 

Poem: Tiny Fingers.

 

 

Tiny fingers grip your own;

Mine grasp the pen I last held in your presence.

Your heart is full of pride, and love unimaginable;

Mine full of torture and despair.

You hold a fragile life in your arms and kiss it goodnight;

I hold a thousand hopeless wishes, and kiss my arm with the knife.

Tears of joy you shed…

The tears I cry are crimson red –

The colour of love, and that of pain.

If I could bleed you out and cleanse my veins

Of the stench of you I would;

I would drain you from my memory if I could,

But I can’t, my soul is latched;

My heart is irrevocably attached.

You’ve a future before you, a life-long adventure;

I’ve no wish for a future in which you do not feature.

I’m a hazy memory now – distant, vague;

You’re my ghost every waking minute, distressingly vivid.

Please take my life, I do not want it, I cannot live like this –

Knowing I’m forgotten by the one soul I miss.

Comfort and soothe me, then lay me down to sleep,

And then warn your child to avoid my path and don’t fall in love so deep.

Protect them from this sorrow,

From it I could not be saved.

Oh to be that child, your world, your everything,

With a whole life safely within your heart.

I’d never lose you, until the day of parting came,

And then I’d meet you in Heaven.

But that shall never be…

We are strangers, drifting further each day,

Not even Heaven will save you for me.

I stagger on without you, broken for all eternity.

I hold this pen, these words I write,

As you tuck your little one in at night…

Those tiny fingers grip your own.

I cling to love… and I love alone.

How Do I Move On?

Let Go

 

I’m wondering if any of you have trouble letting go of people? If you feel love or attachment to someone, but cannot keep them in your life, how do you let them go?

I’ve been thinking about this for a while, and I don’t think I’ve ever really learnt how to healthily do it. My experience has been – losing someone from my life / cutting them out of my life… hating them…. pretending they’re dead and don’t exist to me anymore. It’s the only way I know to free myself of past attachments. I have to hate the person, and pretend they’re no longer here.

I could do this quite easily with past friends who hurt me, as I’m angry with them and they didn’t deserve me as a friend. It was easy for me to hate them. Okay, some of that hate came from hurt and disappointment that they could cause me such pain. But hate empowered me to block them out of existence and ‘move on’.

The last man I had strong feelings for, it took me a long, long time to get over… but hatred allowed me to do this. It was easy to hate him. There were many reasons he deserved my anger. He did NOT treat me well. He hurt me more times than anyone else ever has. All I had to do was think about the way he made me feel, how easily he vanished on me, how low he dragged my self-esteem, and I could find hate in my heart for him. This hate and disgust has allowed me to move on from him. I can see a picture of him now and feel absolutely nothing... except disgust at his behaviour. I haven’t recovered from how he made me feel about myself and ideas he gave me about men, sex and love. Those scars and beliefs will be hard to lose, but at least I don’t cry at the thought of him anymore. I don’t feel the need to chase after crumbs from him. I’m quite happy to be on my own until I find someone worth my time and my love.

The trouble I’m having is I feel attached to a man who I have no reason to hate. If you follow my blog you’ll know I’m talking about my transference issue with a therapist. So it’s like going through a break-up with someone you never had, so don’t have any memories to hold on to… no option of saying ‘Well we had our chance‘ – we didn’t and never will! But it’s also like he’s died. The feelings I’m having are similar to those of grief… only he’s not dead…. he’s very much alive and happily living his life, forgetting I even exist. Yet I’m stuck here, feeling like I’m in love with him, and wishing I could forget I ever met him.

How do I move on from someone I never had? How do I move on from someone who didn’t really hurt me, and I have no reason to hate?

Hatred is the only way I know to get over someone. I know no other way. He doesn’t deserve my hatred though. He’s a lovely man. I don’t want to pretend he’s dead to me. But how else do I ever forget him?

Do I need to create reasons to hate him? Do I need to take things that were said, or not said to me… ways he let me down… focus on these things and feel angry towards him? Is hating him my only option? How do you let go of someone, with love? I’ve never had to let go of someone living, who I only feel loving feelings for, and no anger. How do people do it?

I want to be free of the pain that comes from thinking of him. I don’t want to burst into tears whenever I remember I’ll never see him again. I don’t want the sick feeling anytime I hear his name – which seems to have increased since losing him – everyone seems to share his name! I want the suicidal feelings to go away and to be able to think of a future, even if it will never involve him again. I want to be able to hold on to happy memories and the things I like about him, without it hurting to not have him, and without it making me feel inferior.

Obviously what I want most is to not have lost him from my life forever. But as that’s exactly what’s happened, the second best thing would be to not be paralysed by this loss….. to remember him with affection…. hold on to what I liked about him…. and to know how to release the hurt of loss and unrequited love.

I wanted their help with how to let go… but I never received it. Now I’m left to clean up this mess alone. Nobody will ever know how hard this is for me. I miss him and I’m in a lot of pain, that nobody really knows about now. I have no support and have to figure it all out myself. But I’ve never been able to peacefully let go of people I care about, unless they’ve given me a reason to hate them. So now I’m stuck for how to move forward. I wish there was an answer, but I fear there’s not…. not for someone like me.

Have you managed to let go of someone you loved, without resorting to hating them and pretending they’re dead? How did you do this? And how long did it take to be able to look back without pain? Let me know your experiences.

All the best.

xxxx

Love & Loss: An Open Letter.

*Contains swearing, suicidal thoughts etc*

 

Dear Matthew,

All I wanted when I sought your advice, was to know how to let you go…. to know how to stop the pain. I just want it to stop. Why wouldn’t you help me…?

Nobody knows this burden I carry. Yes they now know about it, but it’s not spoken about anymore, and even if it was discussed, nobody can ever comprehend what I’m feeling. Can you understand it? What it’s like… to be wholly enamoured with someone… someone you know you can never have… to be heartbroken with this realisation…. but on top of that to never see or speak to them ever again…

I can’t do it Matt. I can’t do it. I thought I could. Look, I’ve already made it through three weeks without you. I survived Christmas. But it’s having to survive however many years I’m given to live. I know this makes no sense to you, to my friends and family, to anyone, but I cannot do this. I don’t understand why I feel how I do, but this is how I feel. And it’s unbearable.

I wish I never met you… just so I didn’t have to lose you. I don’t know how to recover from this loss. I don’t know how to stop ‘loving’ you. I don’t know how to stop wanting you, missing you and hurting for you.

I dreamt of you last night. It was a nice dream. But I awoke having thoughts of ending my life. I can’t see any other way to stop this bomb of emotions ticking away inside me. I need to scream into a valley and let the pain echo over the land. I need to cry and collapse in a puddle of tears. I need to be held and protected from myself.

I haven’t harmed since that night I lost you. But the scary thing is, I feel I’m beyond that now. Harming myself won’t stop the pain. The only thing that will stop this grief is to see you again. And that will never happen. So do you see the predicament I’m in? There is no other way out of this mess… this torture. And that’s why my mind turns to that dark place.

I’ve started having visions again, of me standing on the bridge. I call your number, just to hear your voice one more time, on the answerphone. But you answer instead. I tell you goodbye. And after that, I don’t know what happens. I don’t know if I jump or if I’m saved. But if I’m saved I want the pain to stop. I want to forget you.

Knowing you has scarred me forever. Not only physically but emotionally. You are my living ghost, haunting me day and night now… I can’t even escape you in my dreams. I just want to forget you. How do I forget you?

Why didn’t you help me? Why did you have to be so cold and distant? Forget the job, haven’t you a heart? I saw it in the penultimate week… when you spoke to me and seemed to understand more – why couldn’t you have shown me that compassion earlier? And why couldn’t you have allowed me closure? Don’t I deserve just one fucking ounce of closure, just once in my life?! You’ve added to the pile of crap I already had to live with. You’ve taught me all people, particularly men, are the same. And I am not worth a conversation. I know, I know… I’m too demanding. I don’t have rights to ask for these things in this situation… you have to do things ‘by the book’. Screw the book – I’m a human being, you’re a human being, couldn’t you just burn the book for a moment and treat me like a person in need of a little human understanding and warmth? I guess that really is too much to ask, of anyone… But do you see how being made to feel that way is adding to my shit sense of self-worth? This is what I mean about being failed by you lot…. I have come away worse off… thinking I’m a burden, a nuisance, an attention-seeker, demanding, needy, stupid, pathetic, immature, completely fucked up in the head and beyond help. I believe you and everyone else there are pleased I’m gone, and no longer an issue for you. I believe none of you gave a fig about me as a person. You all detested me.

And that fills me with such intense rage, I want to throw my computer out of the window, and punch the wall next to me, until I break my own hand, or there’s a hole in the wall – whichever comes first. I want to trash the whole room. I want to harm myself. It’s not your fault I was stuck with a shit therapist, who didn’t take any interest in my struggles, made me feel like an idiot for how I felt about you, and ditched me immediately after the course…. but the fact that happened makes me hate, not only her, but also you. Because you didn’t help me. You robbed me of that option, and made it so I would have to discuss the problem with my therapist at the end, and did she help me? NO. You dodged the issue yourself, made me think I would have support afterwards, and I didn’t. So it feels like you lied to me. You avoided helping me, you lied about the support I’d get. And now none of you have to care what the fuck happens to me. I could throw myself off a roof tomorrow and none of you would be any the wiser. And if you knew, you wouldn’t care!

Do you know how painful that fact is?! That you don’t even give half a shit about me, and I feel 100% emotionally invested in you! I know you can’t help how I feel about you. And my God I wish I didn’t feel it. If it was a physical part of me ‘loving’ you, I would cut it out this instant…. but this feeling for you permeates through every single cell in me. It exists in every bone, every muscle. It’s in my blood and the air I breathe. It’s in my heart and my mind – I can’t cut this out of me… no matter how many times I’ve tried. You’re a part of me now, and I can’t get rid of you. A part of me doesn’t want to be rid of you. I want you in my life, in some capacity. But then I just sound pathetic… for needing someone in my life so much, and feeling like I can’t live without them, and you probably don’t even remember my name by now. This fucking sucks.

I asked you weeks before I lost you, how to detach from you. You never gave me an answer. I wish you had. I needed to prepare for losing you. All you said was about remembering my values. How does that help me? What, remember the fact I’m a ‘good person’ and would never be ‘the other woman’ – this isn’t even the issue – it was never that kind of issue. It was never something I’d have to consult my values about. I know full well that I am a decent woman. I would never in a trillion years go after a married man. I knew this was hopeless and unrequited from the start, I made that clear. My values don’t even enter here. Remembering I’m a good woman doesn’t help me to not have feelings for you. It’s quite possible to have strong feelings for a married man and yet not act on them! I wanted to know how to let you go. And thinking ‘Well, he’s married’, wasn’t and isn’t enough to do that. This doesn’t change the fact that I know it’s one-sided and that you’re married and happy and about to have a child. I know that even in a perfect world where these things didn’t exist, you would never choose me. I know that. This isn’t about whether I can have you or not, and whether I’m a person who would cheat with someone or not….. this is about intense feelings of love, and immense grief and sadness that I’ve lost you, forever. It doesn’t make sense, but it doesn’t have to make sense. I feel these strong feelings for you whether I can have you or not…. whether you’re in my life or not…. this is how I feel. And I can’t just stop feeling this way. I wish more than anything I could. If I could fall asleep, wake up in the morning and have no memory of ever meeting you, my life would be that much better… I’m sorry to say. You’re a lovely guy, but to have known you and lost you, is worse than to have never known you existed. I wish you and other people could understand this concept.

Meeting you has further ruined my life. Because I’m sat here in pain, trying to cope with essentially the ‘death’ of a man who I never had, and who never knew how I felt about him – yet he’s still living life happily, and blissfully unaware of the mess I’ve been left in.

I’ve been left with a whopping great gaping wound on my heart, that nobody can help mend but you. And since you’re gone from my life forever, I have to hope I don’t bleed to death before I find a way to heal it alone.

xxxx

Poem: My Angels.

My Angels

 

This Christmas I shall not own my heart…

Divided into two parts – one half for my angel in Heaven,

The other my angel on Earth,

Both missing from my life, never to be seen again;

Two shining examples of extraordinary men.

One, with a soul I wish to commemorate and build upon,

The other, a soul I admire and will model as The One.

One I shall meet in Heaven,

The other, destined to be parted forever;

One just beyond the veil,

The other protected by a ten foot wall –

I’ll never know of his life, and he’ll know nothing of mine;

But my angel in Heaven watches me from beyond the sky.

This Christmas my heart shall be broken,

By grief, which is merely love that cannot be spoken…

It has nowhere to go… no resting place;

It echoes on through time and space.

Grief is love eternal.

And my angels shall be loved for the rest of my days;

The one in Heaven shall walk beside me, always,

My Earthly angel has gone,

Vanished from my life, but his memory will live on.

He opened my heart without even knowing,

And no Heavenly force could stop my feelings showing.

This Christmas my heart will be full of love,

For two men I shall never forget,

Even long after their final sunset.

One has forgotten me and taken his own path,

Blissfully unaware I’ve been torn in half;

My Heavenly angel loves me, but is eternally at rest.

To have known them both I’ve been truly blessed.

This Christmas I’m hurting, but we’ll never be apart,

For when they both left me, they took with them a piece of my heart.

 

 

Poem: Twice More And Then Goodbye.

 

Twice More And Then Goodbye

 

 

Twice more and then goodbye,

I dare not dwell on it, lest I cry.

But the ache in my chest, knows no rest;

It calls your name throughout the day

And weeps for you at night,

Breaking daily, at the thought of forever

Without that face, that voice, the light of your spirit;

My heart cries an echo of love in your direction,

But you’ll never hear it.

My feelings, formed thoughts, formed words, formed rhyme –

I wrote once of love, but now of loss and the swiftness of time.

I wish you’d stay for evermore,

The wounds of abandonment burn tender and raw.

I’ve sliced and written line after line, of my affection,

The perceived connection,

About your perfection,

And the harshness of reality – your eternal rejection.

The forbidden fruit which grows upon my tree,

Ripened for you,

Offered by me.

But there are some things that simply cannot be,

For my life is a tragedy…

Life brought me to you, only too late,

It always does, life is cruelty and bitterest pain.

There is no sunshine in my sky, it went away,

It hides behind clouds of darkest grey;

I know only blustering winds and torrential rain,

Each day drenching me just the same.

They say ‘Look for rainbows!’

Yet sunlight is needed to light up the sky in radiant colour,

Since there’s no such thing for me,

My life is darker and duller.

Maybe in a different time, a universe far from here,

You could have been my sunshine…

The one whom I’d hold dear.

You’d take my hand and walk with me, to a future of our own;

You’d kiss away the scars of life,

And show me happiness like I’ve never known;

You’d make me feel beautiful, and as though I am your world,

You’d pick the apple from my tree, and make my toes curl.

You’d love me unconditionally

And stay with me for all our lives;

I’d be your best friend, confidant and eventually your wife.

We’d live in bliss for all our days,

The clouds of my life departing, from our love’s rays…

I wistfully dream that maybe, someday, somewhere,

If not in this life, then perhaps once we depart –

In a new life, with a brand new start,

I’ll be given the chance to capture your heart.

And there will be no more hurt,

And no more farewells,

Because ‘Twice more and then goodbye’…

And goodbye is hell.