“I’m Not Sorry I Hurt You”.

*Contains very strong language & honesty – don’t read if you’ll be offended*

I’m spiralling again. I’m sorry to be selfish, but I feel so alone in my experiences in life, and need to feel connected to others who may know what I’m talking about….

Is anyone else SICK of people doing them wrong and hurting them, and not only denying any wrongdoing, justifying it, withholding apologies, but sometimes acting like the victim, and giving you the silent treatment, i.e. going ‘ghost’ on you? Is it just me??

This is a constant pattern in my life. I’m experiencing this with a couple of people at the moment, and because I’m not in a great state, it triggers every memory of others who did this. And there’s a lot of them. It makes me feel utterly shit because if everyone treated me like that, I must not mean much to people. I must be an awful person.

 

I’ll paint the picture…

• A guy called Rob led me on. He knew what he was doing. He didn’t apologise. He pointedly said to me, ‘Do you think I’ve been fannying you about?!’ He seemed offended that I liked him and was led to believe he felt the same. He was a player, and was seeing someone. Apparently this was what he did – he’d try it on with everyone. He could see I was upset and instead of being a man and apologising, he tried to shift the blame, and made me feel embarrassed for thinking he could like someone like me.
• Male friend Adam, he supported me through the Rob stuff. And then put me through the same thing. Except he had actually told me he DID like me first and we’d kissed. He disappeared from my life as though we were never friends. To this day I’ve never received an apology for his wimpish behaviour. We no longer talk.
• Friend called Lucy, a pathological liar, told the most awful lies to me… took me for a fool and played my emotions. Didn’t repay me my money. Stole my intellectual property, and wouldn’t remove my photos from her page even after asking her nicely. I cut her out of my life – obviously I’d get no apology, as she was so caught up in her fantasy world she wouldn’t have thought she owed one. A mutual friend wondered why we weren’t talking anymore and pried into my business. I wasn’t about to explain it, as I’d seem like a bitch. That tends to happen when someone hurts you – you talk about it, and YOU sound like the one with the problem.
• Guy called Nick, I started to get to know him. My friends stirred, messed things up. One told me he’d said he liked me, the other said he’d claimed he didn’t. I didn’t know who to believe. One friend was being kind and caring to me, the other was starting drama and sniping at me. Nick wasn’t telling me anything. He didn’t have the balls to talk to me himself. Yet he expected me to know who was lying and who was telling the truth… despite the fact that one of my friends, the one being kind, I hadn’t known long enough to know she was a pathological liar! He said some really unpleasant things to me, that have scarred me for life. I never got an apology. I think one of my friends got a half-arsed apology from him for being a dick to me. But that’s not good enough. I deserved an apology. I know people would see it differently but I was the victim in that situation. I know they all thought it was entirely my fault – for not being clairvoyant!! I know I didn’t handle things great. But I was getting attacked from all sides – the only side I wasn’t being attacked from was the pathological liar’s, but that in itself is an attack, as it attacks the mind and ultimately caused a lot of harm. I was innocent. I was just a girl who liked a guy but couldn’t tell him, and then my friends got involved and fucked it up. I was then made out to be the bad guy. The crazy one. I had a good friend tell me I wasn’t getting enough mental health help, and that she thought I might kill myself. And she talked about restraining orders. All of this was totally out of proportion, and came from a drama-queen. But that lot had me questioning my own sanity. Ultimately I did feel like killing myself after it all blew up, and he said ‘How you think messaging me all the time is going to make me like you I don’t know’. I didn’t get a hint of an apology from any of them.
• Guy called Evan, we dated, not for long. First ‘relationship’. He broke up with me when a family member died, and he was joining the navy. I tried to remain his friend, as I cared about him and wanted to support him through his loss. He also kept saying ‘You never know what the future holds…’ – leading me on. But he treated me like shit in the coming months… making plans, letting me down. Snapping at me. At one point came to see me to talk about getting back together but just put me through the break-up again instead, and told me everything that was wrong with me. Dick. Later found out he’d cheated on me in the two weeks before breaking up with me. The next year after healing I accepted being his friend again. He apologised for his behaviour and how he made me feel. So woohoo for that. About the only person who really apologised for hurting me! Then he went on to try and turn our friendship into something else. And then when I needed his support for something, he suddenly said he couldn’t give me what I wanted. I told him I didn’t like him like that now… I lied. Two days later found out he was in a relationship. We parted ways. And they got married. I was ditched. Last year he got in touch with me out of the blue, after six years, and we met up and chatted. He’d changed. He’s so serious and miserable now compared to when I knew him. I told him I had fallen for his best mate, and when I found out he was seeing someone I got upset, and he said the guy wasn’t right for me, as he’s not reliable like I need. A few days later Evan took me off Facebook without a word. He ditched me again, making him just as bad as before. And no explanation or apology. It could be his wife found out and made him delete me, but I deserved a fucking message. Because for all I know I did something wrong. I said something wrong. People like me fill in the gaps and fear the worst.
• His best mate Joe. God I liked that man a lot. He has no fucking clue. Don’t feel it now, and time has allowed me to see it wasn’t ‘love’, but I’d not felt that way for someone before. He hurt me so much. And I didn’t deserve it. I was in a vulnerable place when I first knew him. I’d just broken up with Evan. Joe was there for me and made me feel better. I wasn’t a confident person anyway, but he gave me confidence. He made me feel like I was attractive. I thought we shared a powerful connection. It was undeniable to me. But it was all bullshit. He was a player. It was his game. I was naïve and innocent. He took that innocence and turned me into a cynical, bitter, man-hating mess. He did the whole ‘blowing hot and cold’ thing, the ‘drip-feeding attention’…. only pulling me closer when I went to leave. He fucked my mind up forever. I trust nobody now. He’d keep going silent on me for weeks and then months at a time, and then press reset. He would cancel on me very last minute. He would accuse me of ‘overreacting’ to him cancelling, when it wasn’t an overreaction to me, it was very understandable. The problem wasn’t my reaction – it was his bloody behaviour!! One time he stood me up and when I turned up to meet him as planned he turned me away, in front of someone else, with a pathetic ‘sorry’, but nothing else – no rearranging, not even a five minute chat! I was mortified. And I’d had enough. I considered killing myself that night. I went to the top of the Itchen bridge and thought about jumping. He thought it was all just a game, but it was my fucking life he was playing with. That was about it for me. That’s the last time I saw him, so my last real memory of him. So screw him. Total jerk. I’ve never received an apology for his behaviour – not a proper apology. He said sorry occasionally…. to keep me hooked, to make me feel sorry for him so that I’d stick around. But the longer I stuck around the more sparse the apologies became…. because he didn’t respect me anymore, and he didn’t care if I stuck around or not. He knew I’d always come running back, and because I did that it made him think his behaviour was acceptable. It wasn’t though. He just took advantage of a vulnerable, mentally ill, trusting girl who ‘loved’ and had faith in him. His loss ultimately, but he did ruin me more than I could ever explain, and a part of me will always hate him for it. The rest of me pities him. I wanted an explanation and genuine apology. But guess that’s asking too much. Where are all the men with balls?!
• A friend Hannah, kept throwing hissy fits at me for simply trying to help arrange lifts, to meet as a group. She became friends with another of my friends Gill, and that made things difficult, as she obviously bitched about me with her, as she accused me of doing the same at the end, which I didn’t – so was obviously a guilty conscience talking. She had this jealousy issue about my friendship with Lucy at one point. But she was being a bitch to me at the time. She was very blunt and rude. She’d upset me and then not allow me a say. She’d say she’d forgotten all about it. She expected things to be swept under the rug. Which I mainly did, for the sake of my other friends. But one day she went too far and tried to show me up in a group message. She provoked me, and when I got upset with her she made herself look like the victim. She removed herself from the group message and started one excluding me, ‘for obvious reasons’. In other words I’d done HER wrong. I stepped back from the group, not wanting to make them choose. So they met with her, and hardly checked on me. None of them were sorry for that, minus one maybe. She kept telling them things couldn’t be resolved, and she’d be ‘civil’ to me. In reality I hadn’t given up on our friendship. I was merely waiting for her to apologise and be nice to me, which she wasn’t prepared to do. Eventually after a few months she got in touch to apologise. We met, and within a few weeks, more of the same. She wasn’t prepared to put in the work to rebuild my trust, and obviously had some resentments. She threw a hissy fit and told me what was wrong with me. A year later I’d get in touch to make amends with her. She smeared me to my best friend and didn’t talk directly to me. Nobody has fucking balls in this world – bunch of fucking cowards all of them! I deserve a fucking face to face apology and explanation. Can you see already this build-up of people treating me with the same disrespect and the resentment it causes in me? All I’ve ever wanted is someone to be different. Someone to give a damn. Someone to show me I’m worth fighting for! But clearly I’m not. She got in touch with my friend last year, and that caused a heap of trouble. And what became clear was that regardless of if she intended any harm, she caused it, AND she had ‘forgotten all about it’ again, and didn’t think she owed me an apology now. That’s what my friend gauged from her. So she wasn’t sorry for all the pain and chaos she caused me. I hate her now.
• Gill, was a good friend. But she betrayed me, and got together with a guy who was perfect for me. She knew I liked him, she knew she liked him, but I didn’t know she liked him. She was in a relationship so no threat when I left the country. While I was away that changed and she admitted her feelings to the guy, Sam. They’re married now. No longer in my life. The pain Gill caused me is among the worst I’ve felt. I didn’t expect it from her. It showed me I can’t even trust my closest friends. She did apologise for hurting me. Not for doing it… of course she gained a heck of a lot from it! So she’s not remorseful for her actions, just that those actions hurt me and cost her my friendship. But tough shit bitch. I was the one stabbed in the back… think I came off a damn slight worse. I hate her too. The Hannah thing is different – I can put her in the ‘irrelevant’ pile with Lucy. But Gill, I can’t get over this… what she did. What it cost me. And how she’s happily getting on with her life, her future, with someone who was meant to be with me. I wanted to settle down with him. She’s not really sorry.
• Sam. We were two awkward losers. Two nerds. Two quiet people. We had shared interests. We had a lovely friendship, and there were no awkward silences. I was comfortable with him. He never made me feel uncomfortable like some guys have, with unwanted sexual humour and flirting. He put my friendship and feelings ahead of anything. I missed the signs that he liked me too. I honestly didn’t believe he would. I had low self-esteem…. I thought I didn’t deserve him. Now I know he didn’t deserve me. Throughout the Hannah thing he didn’t have my back. He didn’t care. And when it came to Gill, who he had been friends with as long as he had dated her, he chose that over our two or three years of friendship. When I told him why I’d disappeared, he didn’t sympathise at all. He didn’t indicate I ever mattered to him, or that he’d miss me. He raved about Gill and how the sun shines out her arse, which it clearly doesn’t if she’d do that to me. But he wasn’t betrayed by her, I was. He benefited from that betrayal so he didn’t have the first fucking clue how devastating it was. He probably still doesn’t. He’s probably living happily in Lala Land with his wife who he shared a ‘strong friendship’ with after just a handful of weeks. Fuck the fact we had a strong friendship for a couple of years…. don’t mention that bit. Make it all about Gill won’t you! Clearly my friendship meant nothing to him. Everything he said was doubly painful, because on the one hand he was listing all these wonderful qualities he saw in Gill, that I know are not true because I actually knew her for years. I knew what she did, and that she wasn’t this angel he was painting her as. But then on the other hand everything he said felt tinged with an implication of ‘unlike you’. He made it seem like I saw him as a compromise nice guy… like a back-up option. He was talking out of his arse there. Nobody thought better of him than I used to. Now I think very poorly of him. I am incredibly upset and sad about how things ended between us. Despite having to see them at a wedding three years ago, in my mind that was the way we parted, and I can’t recover from it. I wanted and I needed, and I FUCKING DESERVED ONE FUCKING CONVERSATION! Especially from him. I thought he was a decent guy. He harped on about being a ‘nice guy’, but does a nice guy kick you when you’re down, and you’ve just lost EVERYTHING, and then let you walk away thinking he hates you?? He is not a nice guy. He was until he started dating Gill. Then he changed. I would give anything to go back to the old days where he was single and we were friends. I miss that friendship. And I miss thinking he was a nice guy that I would want to settle down with. But I can’t have him in my life now. It’s over. It was over the second I got the phone call from Gill. She had put an end to not only my friendship with her, but also a most special friendship I had with Sam. But I still wish he’d get in touch, meet with me and apologise for hurting me so badly, and for not fighting for our friendship. And for not thinking of my feelings. I was bloody hurt. I was in pieces. I’d just lost everything. And he was fucking happy because someone fucking loved him at last. I cannot believe that he was on top of the world at the time, and I was six feet under. And yet he CHOSE to kick me even further down. He is utter scum for doing that to me. Interestingly my anger with him is actually because I am really upset still. I can’t even talk to anyone about this because I’ll start crying. I’m trying not to right now. Nothing hurts me more than this emptiness that’s left in my heart because of losing him, and knowing he’s happy now with the person who betrayed me in the worst way possible. I feel nobody understands this. It’s very isolating. He was my friend. He should’ve wanted to apologise. He shouldn’t have wanted to hurt me. And the fact he did, and showed no remorse, makes me think he’s a robot. I never knew him.
• Somebody at work, when I first started there, accused me of doing something I 100% didn’t do. It was something trivial, but they tried to show me up in front of everyone else by ‘telling me off’ for it. I’m a relatively ‘young woman’ in comparison to her… she’s probably 40 or 50 years older than me. And in my experience old women get a kick out of speaking down to those younger than them. I maintained that I didn’t do it, but she kept on about it, saying ‘I saw you’… ‘you must have done it without thinking’…. no Betty, you must have hallucinated it, or not taken your medication. I was upset and angry and about to flip out. But given that I was trying to get back into work, and had only just started there, I simply went upstairs, cried, scratched at my arm, and phoned someone to talk about it, before calming down and going back downstairs once the woman had left. No apology from her for upsetting me. Never. I didn’t tell anyone about it until recently. I didn’t tell the manager – she still doesn’t know. Anytime I saw her after that, she hardly spoke to me at all, or looked at me. So either guilt, or just a dislike for me. But certainly no apology. And remorse without an apology is no good.
• Just like an apology without actions to back it up is no good. I had a friend who hurt me, and they apologised, but didn’t do anything to change what was hurting me. It’s like saying ‘I’m sorry I’m causing you pain….. but I’m going to continue doing it’ – there’s no point apologising if you’re going to continue doing it. Ultimately this friend did do what was needed, and things were resolved. But when you hurt someone it should be like this: Remorse. Sincere apology. Taking on the blame. Expressing caring for the person. How can I make it up to you? Taking action to stop the hurting. Putting in effort to rebuild trust and friendship. Most people in my life have fallen at the first hurdle. They’ve not had remorse. If they have they’ve not expressed it through an apology. I had one instance where they were sorry, and did what was needed but made me feel guilty about it. That’s not how apologies work. That’s not how friendships work. Nobody has ever seen the whole process through with me. People don’t want to put in extra effort when they’ve fucked up. It’s too much hard work, and I’m obviously not worth it. Nothing I can do about that!
• I met up with my cousin after her first child was born. We chatted about things. I confided in her about something, after expressing very strongly that I didn’t want ANYONE to know about it, as we know what our family grapevine is like. The first thing she does is run to her mummy and tells her a distorted version of what I said. Her mummy then phoned mine and reported to her. And then she came and talked to me about it, to let me know my cousin had gossiped. I told my mum that I explicitly said nobody was to hear about it. I was angry, so was my mum. I took my family off of social media from that point on. I didn’t talk to my cousin or see her again, apart from at family gatherings. I don’t think she even realises why. She probably thinks I’m a bitch for not giving a toss about her life or her kids now. But she broke my trust. I would never be able to discuss anything with her again. If I did, I might as well get my aunty and my mum in and tell them all at once!! She wronged me. No apology or remorse.
• Lots of other examples throughout my life. People saying hurtful things, and not getting any apology at all. I don’t want to go into all of them, because some of these people mean a lot to me, and when they mean a lot, you forgive them. But forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting. You remember not receiving apologies for the damage done, and it all adds up.
• A friend (A) is on the other end of the spectrum from me in terms of politics. I was commenting online about debates I was watching, and talking about a politician. She jumped on my posts and argued. It felt like she was trying to show me up in front of my friends, like everyone else has done in my life. And she was doing this on both Twitter and Facebook at the same time. She took a post I made about a particular politician, and made it about her. I felt attacked. It felt like she was implying I was ‘narrow-minded’, and that I wasn’t listening to her. She said she didn’t want to talk about it anymore as she wasn’t being heard, so what was the point… And that made me feel like utter shit! She was taking out a political grudge on me. I wasn’t even talking about her, I was making a point about a politician. She didn’t have to jump in and make it about her. All I did was clarify my point for her, and she went off on one because I didn’t cater to her opinions on a totally different concept!! She also commented on my Facebook post, patronising me – odd, given I’m 12 years older than her! Talking about me being passionate about politics, and how listening to others’ opinions is important; everyone has different opinions and some are not going to be the same as mine. As if I didn’t know that already! She made her point about her political stance and how important it is that she’s listened to, and the likes of me can’t be the only ones listened to. But yet again my post had nothing to do with her. All I was talking about was the vote for triggering Article 50, and what it would mean if politicians voted against it. Nothing whatsoever to do with her. But she had to make it about her. She had to use it as a way of airing her views and trying to trump mine. I wasn’t even expressing my personal views in that post – just facts!! Anyway, again, after clarifying my point she shut the conversation down…. she said everyone else she knows has given up talking about it as nothing’s certain. That felt like a hint to shut up about it. Any time I’ve mentioned politics she’s made comments like she’s fed up of hearing about the topic. Well don’t read it then. I’d had enough of her arguing with me. We’re not going to see eye to eye, why couldn’t she just accept that? I didn’t like things she posted, and yet I refrained from commenting on her posts, trying to argue with her and show her up in front of her friends! What made this worse was a mutual friend (B), within ten minutes of our conversations on social media, posted on Twitter something to do with, differences of opinion being good, but don’t ram your opinions down my throat as fact! Now… this could have been aimed at anyone. But knowing that she’s on the same side of the spectrum as A politically, and the timing of it, it felt like an attack. It felt like they were ganging up on me. Regardless of whether that was true, that is how it felt. I closed my accounts for a few days. I spoke to someone at work, and decided to rejoin Facebook, but explain my hurt. So I wrote a long post about how I was feeling. I explained that I was close to cutting everyone out of my life – that’s how bad I felt. I explained my political stance but that I do not judge people for theirs. I do not care which way anyone voted. I don’t post to be controversial or start debates. I post to talk to those who feel the same way as me. I said a lot of things. But the one thing I said was if you don’t like something I post, please don’t jump on it, criticise it publicly on my page, or attack me for my views. Just skip past it. Big fucking mistake that was! Since that day, neither A nor B have spoken to me. They either don’t look at my Facebook page or Tweets, or they do but deliberately choose to not engage. And I don’t just mean about politics. I mean EVERYTHING. They don’t join in when I talk about the interests we shared. My mental health has deteriorated this year, and they don’t give a crap. I have suffered my first major loss in March, and no condolences or anything. They have decided to make a point, that if I don’t want them commenting on my political posts, they won’t comment / like / read ANY of them. This is childish and very hurtful. And not something I need in my life after all the shit people have put me through. The fact that I felt ganged up on by them, and then when I have been suffering because of the loss of my grandfather, and they have said NOTHING …. I can’t get over that. That is the most hurtful thing to experience. I feel so angry. And so upset. I feel bullied. I have to see these people soon, and either they don’t realise they hurt me, or more likely they feel they were wronged by me. A I think is spitefully choosing to ignore me and pretend I don’t exist, and given that her outbursts at me were selfish, and out of the blue since I wasn’t involving her at all, this upsets me…. I don’t think it’s on that she’s behaving this way towards me. She should’ve apologised to me. She should have said SOMETHING after my explanation when I returned to Facebook. She could’ve messaged me and made sure everything was alright. Admittedly I could’ve privately messaged these people, but I don’t like confrontation. I was in a delicate place, I felt overwhelmingly upset, I was harming myself, and I actually felt she was volatile at the time. That was my perception back then.. right or wrong. I didn’t handle it right probably, but I did the best I could back then. I was cutting ALL of my friends out, even the ones who agreed with me… all because of these people. I chose to write a post to all of my friends about this, without mentioning names, because it involved more than one of them, in my eyes. I also needed the validation I got from others. People liking my post told me they didn’t ALL hate me, like my mentally ill mind was telling me at the time. You’ve got to bear in mind I had distanced myself from my best friend at that time too. I didn’t have a friend to turn to, so I was in a bad place. A close family member had recently had a heart attack. My grandfather was dying. I’m not making excuses, but there’s a lot more to the story than people would think. Yet they judge you on one snapshot moment. One post. Having one friend say that if people don’t like what I have to say, they can skim past it, helped me to feel better about myself, and the situation. They were saying what I was thinking, and what I wished these others could grasp. B might not know anything about this. It might not have been aimed at me. BUT after my post she’s said nothing to me. That to me says that she took offence at what I wrote. And that would mean a guilty conscience, meaning my perception was right – I was being ganged up on. If this is the case I feel sick thinking about the two of them. Choosing to snipe at me like that… ever so subtle but obvious by the timing. I wasn’t trying to ram my opinions down anyone’s throats and that’s what pisses me off the most. People accuse me of things and make me out to be something I’m not, and judge me for it. I fucking hate it. When people misinterpret things I say and come up with a character trait – I’ve had someone imply I’m ‘controlling/manipulative’ for asking them to stop hurting me. I’ve had someone imply I’m ‘negative’ and ‘criticised them as a friend’ because I dared to speak up against their shitty behaviour and how it made me feel. I’ve even had someone imply I’m ‘conceited’ just because I said I’d catch-up on a Mariokart level, as I was busy taking a tablet! I know that is silly, but if someone says I’m conceited because of it, or that it sounds conceited, that fucking sticks in my mind. You could go on to tell me all the wonderful things about me, and I will always only remember the one bad thing you said. So yeah, to have B imply I shove my opinions down others’ throats fucks me off. I was stating facts of what was actually possible. But never mind. I said I wouldn’t talk about politics as much but that I’d hope they could accept the occasional post, in being my friends. But since neither of them have given a fuck about being my friend since, I decided I’ll say whatever the hell I want. I’m not censoring myself for people who aren’t bothered about being my friends. I feel sickeningly upset about this, and terrified about having to see them sometime soon. Might cancel, which would be a shame, but probably best for all. I don’t know how else to handle this. I’ve read their posts, and did comment and like things to begin with, but they don’t bother, so I’ve stopped bothering. I feel victimised, and because of the state of mind I’m in this year, I can’t challenge that. If they think I was at fault, and they’re the victims, then fine, they can think that. I haven’t the energy to make them see my point of view. If they can’t see my point of view and realise I am hurt, then we’ll never talk again. I’m not reaching out. They hurt me. If they’d apologised then all would be fine and dandy, now I’m not sure it can be fixed. Oh well. Main thing is I know who my real friends are.

This is just a snapshot of my life. Some would say I’m a ‘perpetual victim’. I always ‘play the victim’. I wish I was ‘playing’, but you know what, I’ve had people shit on me for years. You try bouncing back from that. I have serious mental health problems. On top of that I’ve had people continuously hurt me, and express no remorse. They’ve all dodged responsibility. If I’d had a few decent people in my life, do the right thing and say ‘I’m sorry’, then I might feel less victimised.

I’m hoping that some of you might understand what it’s like to have BPD and feel this way – although I hope you don’t feel this way… it’s not nice. When everyone you meet eventually treats you badly, and doesn’t make up for it, it can make you feel hopeless about life. It makes you hate yourself. And it makes you ‘split’ with other people. The lack of a genuine apology from a friend after they hurt me, and their avoidance of even talking to me, is more than enough to make me go from thinking they’re wonderful, to hating them. And if they only acknowledged the pain they’ve caused me, and expressed an ounce of friendship to me now, it would be enough to make me like them again.

I don’t like feeling the way I feel. I hate feeling so reactive to the actions of others. It depresses me. Why can’t I be normal? But no matter how much I hate it, it is a part of who I am. I need those in my life to understand BPD and my triggers. I need them to understand my needs. And respect them. Otherwise they’ll only be in my life for a moment. How do I get them to understand though? I’m a very fair and forgiving person, but only if the wrongdoing is acknowledged. Does this make me unreasonable? I’m sorry that I don’t just forgive everything regardless. But life has taught me to have this boundary. People have to earn my friendship, and that means apologising when they’re in the wrong. But if they can’t do that, then they’ll just have to forever think I’m a bitch. Doesn’t mean I am though, that’s what I’m having to tell myself. I know what happened and how it made me feel. I know the truth of myself. If they want to misunderstand me and push me away then it’s their loss. There’s nothing I can do to change their minds about me. We won’t move forward if they can’t self-reflect and act like adults. My long post I made wasn’t an attack on anyone. It was an explanation in a bid to save friendships. It clearly didn’t work how I’d intended. And whilst a part of me thinks I should apologise, I also think ‘WHY?!’ … I was the one who was upset to the point I came off social media, and had to write that post in the first place… and did I see an apology? No. And if nobody ever shows me apologies, why should I always do the apologising? I’m honestly one of those people who will willingly apologise when I’ve done wrong, and sometimes when I haven’t done wrong. It’s how I was raised, to not want to hurt others, and to take responsibility. It seems nobody else was taught this as a child. I think what it comes down to is pride and ego. People think saying ‘I’m sorry’ is admitting they’re flawed, and terrible people – but what makes them flawed and terrible people is the inability to say sorry and fix things. It takes humility and someone actually valuing a friendship more than their own ego. I’m just done with people. If they want to be in my life they will be. If they want to talk to me they will. I only have my friends on Facebook, and if I get the sense people don’t actually want me as a friend I will remove them. I’ve got to protect myself from this emotional abuse. That is the feeling I get from it. It’s emotionally stripping me and punching me, when I think about this year, and their lack of caring. And when I think about not knowing how to resolve it. I shouldn’t be the one resolving it. It should be them. So I give up. A few months ago things were ‘good’ – or as good as they could be with my grandfather dying. I had friends who supported me and shared common interests. They even did something nice for me for Christmas. But now……. At my lowest ebb where are they? I have so much resentment towards people now. The longer they appear to ignore my existence the deeper the resentment and anger, and the closer I get to cutting them from my life. I deserve better than this.

Do you often feel like a victim? Do you feel like nobody takes responsibility for the pain they cause you? Does it make you want to give up on everyone? How do you recover from this pattern of neglect and disrespect? I’d love to know.

 

Friendships are hard for me. I never used to have them. And once I did, I was exposed to interpersonal difficulties…. that people with BPD experience. And as much as I want friends, it feels like a minefield, and too much heartache. Because nobody understands me, I sometimes think it would be easier to be alone. Perhaps it’s what I truly deserve. I hate myself for the resentment and bitterness, and for making this all up in my head if it’s not really what’s happening. But I can’t tackle it with anyone, so until they speak to me all I can do is assume. And I hate it. I get so tired of my mind. I wish it had an off switch.

My only thought for what I could do, is to take each encounter and write myself the apology I should have received. Pretend it’s from them and say what I needed to hear. I will certainly give it a go. Until people learn to take responsibility it’s the only option I’ve got.

xxxx

Chaos.

*Very strong theme of suicide so take care in reading*

 

 

 

Sorry for the lack of posts lately. My grandfather passed away a few weeks ago, so I’ve been dealing with that. It had been coming for months, but nothing prepares you for the reality of it. This was my first major loss in my 30+ years. I don’t know how you’re meant to cope with it. I don’t know if I’m doing it right or not. I’m not thinking about it too much now. Whenever I start to think about the loss I push it away. I’m finding it hard to cope with the fact he’s not here anymore, and never will be again.

That aside, I’m feeling better than I was a few months ago. At the start of this year I was isolating myself, I was seriously depressed and had to have my medication increased. I’m glad I did, as I think it cushioned the blow of my loss and numbed me a bit more. Unfortunate of course that at the time I found out about it, I hadn’t yet had my meds that day! So the shock left me shaking and hyperventilating. I got through it though. I don’t want to think about that day. It was the most unreal day, and yet was the most real experience of my life. That’s why I push the thoughts away when they come. Back at the start of this year I was feeling haunted by the past, and the people who had hurt me. I shut off from all my friends, and decided to go it alone. And then when my grandfather passed, some of my friends were really kind and supportive. My mind got turned to more important issues. I’m not thinking so intensely about the past now. In fact I’ve got several exciting things to look forward to in the coming months, with my friends. So my heightened emotions are more levelled; I have things to look forward to; I’m no longer isolating myself as much; and I’ve suffered the loss I had been anticipating for the best part of a year. The anxiety of that imminent loss isn’t there now. Just the depressing reality. But things are ‘better’ than before. I’m… okay…. and yet I’m anything but okay inside.

I am calmly disturbed. And the fact I’m calm and rational about it makes it even more disturbing. I’m plagued by distressing thoughts and images… and urges. But the most disturbing thing is I don’t want to fight them. I want to kill the part of me that’s holding me back from acting on these urges.

I’m afraid to talk about this, because I don’t want to have to stop thinking about it. I don’t want to have the option taken away from me. I don’t want anyone to take action to stop me, when I’m not even actively doing anything about it. I don’t want people to think I’m crazy or dangerous. On the outside you wouldn’t think such a thing of me. I’m a very sensible person. I have a conscience, morals and a lot of love for those in my life. I’d never put them through anything. I want to make people proud, and to have people like me. I wouldn’t do anything to jeopardise that. I’m very much a person who analyses everything… overthinks…. thinks of the possible consequences. So in my right mind I would never do something stupid.

So I’m now wishing to not be in my right mind. I’m wishing to have a breakdown, so that I can do what I want to, without the guilt holding me back. I want to be free to do this thing that would be so out of character for me. I don’t want help. I want to not care. I want to not be strong, responsible, or held back by my conscience.

Just over two years ago, after the final straw with someone I cared about, I went and sat on a bench below the Itchen bridge and I contemplated throwing myself off of it. The urge got so much that I walked myself up the steps of it, crying as I went, and walked to the highest point of it, looking over the edge, thinking about it. The thing that stopped me, besides losing my dignity was my family and my best friend. They’re like the emotional guilt-trip for me each time I consider ending my life. They aren’t even aware of it, but my own mind beats me up for considering putting them through it. And the sensible, rational, compassionate me would not do that to them. That’s why I need to be ‘out of my mind’, so that I can truly consider it without the guilt and shame.

I am preoccupied with… no… I’m obsessed with suicide, and have been for the last two or three weeks. In particular jumping. I’ve looked up stories about it, pictures, videos. I’ve contemplated what tall structures there are around here. I’ve planned what I would do as a back-up if someone tried to stop me. I’d harm myself in some other way if they came near me. I’ve pictured the scene. I’ve seen the view, I’ve felt the fall and the landing, most distressingly. I’ve gone through the ‘talking me down’ scenario. Anytime I hear a siren or see a police car / ambulance, I imagine they’re rushing to the scene to try and stop me, and save me. And one of the things I’m most ashamed of right now, is I want that. I’m not the sort of person to make a scene or seek attention, far from it. And I’d never want to be ‘yet another attention-seeker on the bridge’ who inconvenienced drivers, stopping people from living their lives. I’d not want to take up the time of emergency services. I’d not want the fallout – feeling too ashamed to look at my friends and family again. So I’ve held back for so long from these types of thoughts. But now I want that bit of me to piss off. I want to not give a damn… to not think of the consequences… to be bloody selfish for once.

It’s not as straightforward as wanting attention. What I want is the opportunity to genuinely contemplate the importance of my life, and to be allowed the choice to jump or not to jump. And yeah, a part of me wants someone to try and talk me down. I want someone to see me in that moment and to show me my life matters. I want them to fight for my life. Nobody’s ever fought for me, and it’s left me a little lost in the world, as to where I fit in, and if I really matter. A part of BPD is pushing people away, to see if they care enough to pull you back. This feels like an extension of that. I want to try and end my life, to see if it’s worth saving. Because my belief is it probably isn’t. I don’t have a lot going for me. So yeah, okay, I probably DO want the attention, but not from an immature, selfish perspective. I want to feel like I matter. Words aren’t enough.

I want the freedom to choose if I want to live my life or not. I don’t want to be held back by responsibilities and feelings. And I want to find a way to silence that part of me…. the part that’s intent on keeping me here, and keeping me sane. Because the battle in my head is slowly driving me insane. There’s a part of me worried that the thoughts are getting so intrusive and loud, that eventually I’ll want them to stop. They only stop when I’m asleep. So I’d have to sedate myself or be unconscious in some form… the thoughts alone could lead me to do it, and to actually succeed. And then I will have hurt my family. But the battle starts when the intrusive part of my mind tells the rest of my mind to shut up, and to just let things unfold… stop overthinking it, and stop letting guilt and other feelings dictate my actions. It tells me to shut up about this, suffer in silence, and then I can finally get to that point where I lose my mind and I’m free to choose the end if I want to. So I don’t know why I’m writing about this. Maybe I want help? But I don’t. I don’t want to be stopped in my tracks. But the constant thoughts about this are so tiring for me. Living inside my head right now is exhausting… and nobody would know everything that’s going on in there. That’s the scary thing I guess… that we never really know what’s going on in someone’s head, unless they say something.

I know people think with suicide, if you really want to do it you’ll do it somewhere private, where you won’t be found. And believe me I’ve considered all the options… vividly. Perhaps my preferred method right now is because I haven’t quite reached the point of actively wanting to die. If I was triggered and in that moment wanted to go, I’m sure I’d choose the closest possible way to do it. Maybe being in a situation where I could be ‘talked down’, shows I’m not committed to actually ending things, but just want to consider it. I don’t know. I don’t understand what’s happening in my mind at the moment. It doesn’t make sense to me. I don’t even know why I’m so preoccupied with suicide when I have no substantial reason to feel that way. That’s what’s scaring me the most at the moment. It makes me feel like a fraud. And whilst the kind, loving, sensible part of me says I should stop thinking about this now, there’s an equally strong, if not more so, part of me determined to continue contemplating it, no matter what happens, or what anyone might say when they find out.

It’s like I’m fighting in my head. I’m not hearing voices. I’m not actively hearing someone arguing with me. But it feels like a split in my mind, where there’s two sides to me, both fighting to be heard. And I can’t please either side because of the person I am, and what I wouldn’t do to my family etc… but the other side can’t win either because I don’t want to stop thinking about death. I am messed up.

But I put my best face on for everyone. Unless anyone reads this they’ll never know. If people ask how I am I shall say ‘I’m okay thanks’. Even if someone happened to read this I’d still say I’m fine. I don’t see the point in talking to anyone about this. Nobody can fix it. I try and keep myself distracted by throwing myself into politics at the moment. But I know a couple of friends have stopped talking to me after an incident involving my opinions… they didn’t even express any sadness or caring when my grandfather died. That’s upsetting me a lot at the moment too. That I went through that, and have my mental health problems now, and they don’t seem to want to break their silence towards me. Makes me feel worse. Especially as I was the one who felt attacked by both of them before. I’m sick of being crapped on by friends. I tried to restrain myself in regards to politics after feeling ganged up on due to my views, but now I’ll say whatever the hell I want. They’re not talking to me anyway, and don’t read my posts so what does it matter!?! If I’m not thinking / talking / writing about politics, I’m mainly thinking about jumping, so it depends how sick I get of suicidal thoughts. My head is chaos… it’s a mixture of grief, political stress and suicidal urges, mixed in with having to act like a normal person. And each of these things take their turn, and I also try to resist them all, most of the time too. I’m aware I need help. Unfortunately there is none out there for me. I discovered that at the doctors. Just got to try and keep afloat by myself. I don’t so much want to die, as I want a break from the world. Life feels too hard sometimes, and right now I’m simply existing.

Sorry for such a negative post. Don’t worry about me, I’m just trying to let the thoughts out. Keep safe all.
xxxx