The Urge To ‘Fix’.

I’ve always had this issue whereby if I have a falling out with someone, or feel in a bad place with them, I feel the need to ‘fix’ it, or resolve it as soon as possible. I guess this is to avoid the uncomfortable negative emotions associated with it.

I’m having to tell myself to leave it be for now. We need some distance. Nothing has changed for me – my circumstances are the same as a week ago, and nothing will have changed on their end, so for now I have to just accept things the way they are, and I have to try and tolerate the emotions and not overthink things. Easier said than done.

To feel a sense of peace, rather than the anxiety I feel right now, I have to see it as an ending at this point. We’re done. Yes, hopefully we’ll speak again at some point, but right now we’re obviously not good for each other’s wellbeing. We can’t be there for each other, and maybe the time apart will be a good thing. I have to try and believe that.

Yes I am hurt, upset and a little angry. There’s a lot I want to say. But that can come in time. Right now I need to get back to accepting reality as it is, and using it to push forward. I need to take this time to focus on getting better and not let it eat me up. Very hard not to obsess over it, especially late at night. Not been able to go to sleep until the early hours of the morning lately. My mind’s too active. It takes me to dark places. But I can’t let this destroy me. Must put it to the back of my mind and focus on what I have, rather than what I’ve lost. That’s my aim.

 

Things I Wish You Said.

These are things I wish people had said to me when it mattered…. this can be from friends past and present, family, bullies, men, or anyone who ever crossed my path and left a mark in my life. The impact of these few words would be tremendous for someone like me. So it’s sad that I’ve rarely heard such sentiments. The fact these things most often have gone unsaid has broken me. A series of imperfect people in this imperfect world, neglecting to be kind or help at all with a sense of closure, have left open wounds all over my body and soul. I know life doesn’t always allow us closure…. but from guys disappearing from my life, to friends betraying and hurting me with no remorse, to nobody saying I mattered to them, to leaving it too late to say ‘I love you’ and never being able to hear it back, to being ripped away from someone I was attached to in therapy… it’s all too much. All I’ve ever wanted was ONE person to prove that there can be a good ending in life. After too much of it I put my final faith in therapy, thinking they’d help me do this. They did not. It was a missed opportunity. So I struggle on with life, awaiting the next hurt, the next betrayal, the next loss, knowing I will never hear a single one of the things I need to hear in order to heal….

 

  • I’ll never forget you. I’ll always remember you.
  • Your friendship means / meant a lot to me.
  • I’m glad to have known you.
  • I miss you / I’ll miss you.
  • I’m sorry. What I did was wrong. Please forgive me.
  • I love you.
  • I care about you / worry about you.
  • I value you.
  • You’re special.
  • You’re beautiful.
  • I couldn’t live without you.
  • You’ve give me such lovely memories.
  • I’m flattered you feel that way for me.
  • You deserve better than me.
  • Is there anything you want to say or to ask me?
  • I lied to you. I lied about you. I’m sorry.
  • I was selfish. I’m sorry.
  • I let you down. I’m sorry.
  • You have every right to hate me.
  • I trust you.
  • I admire you.
  • You matter to me.
  • You’re not a burden, and I’ll kick the ass of anyone who makes you think that!
  • Thank you for everything you do and for being you.
  • I believe in you. I have faith in you.
  • I’m proud of you.
  • I have your back.
  • I don’t want to lose you.
  • I’m not going to leave you.
  • Nothing changes how I feel about you.
  • You’re a good person.
  • You mean the world to me.
  • I’m so lucky to have you.
  • I will help you through this. You’ve got me on your side, we’ll do this together.
  • Your feelings matter most to me.
  • I had feelings for you too.
  • I made a mistake.
  • I never wanted to hurt you.
  • Losing you was painful for me.
  • I wish I could undo what I did.
  • You didn’t deserve that.
  • I wish we could have had our chance.
  • I wish I’d met you sooner.
  • You make me happy.
  • I want you to be happy.
  • You deserve to experience love. I hope you’ll find it soon.
  • I understand you.
  • I want to understand you.
  • I want to learn everything about you.
  • Tell me how you’re feeling…
  • It’s okay that you feel that way.
  • You’re not alone.
  • I wish you well.
  • Goodbye.

Haunted Love.

Sod it. I feel like I’m choking on my heart. I have poetry screaming inside me, that I am too scared to put to paper… I’m afraid to open that door and let the words out, because a whole heap of crap will come out with them. I have too much pain and love and grief coursing through my veins right now, that I have to let it out. I have to be the most honest I’ve ever been about something. I have to risk the embarrassment, the shame, being vulnerable, because this is gnawing away at me more each day.

I love you. I don’t give a shit what anyone thinks anymore. It means nothing. It’s irrelevant how I feel. I know that. But these are my feelings, and I do myself no favours in denying them. I shut them away for a long time. I stopped talking about you. I never stopped thinking about you. Not for a second. But I pretended it was no longer an issue. I still don’t talk about you, and I won’t. Because the second I do, I’ll be judged. I’ll be told to move on. I’ll be told it’s not real.

If it’s not real, then why the fuck does it hurt so much? I miss you so much. Afterwards, people said it must feel like a break-up (even knowing it was nothing like it!)… they recognised the feelings I was going through…. and I recall saying at the time it’s more than that. It was like you died. Because I knew I would never see you again in my lifetime. I knew your life would go on, so it felt like grieving for someone who was still alive. But in terms of my life, you did die.

Your memory speaks to me in my dreams. Your ghost even appeared to me the other day. And just as painfully that ghost disappeared, and I was reminded of your passing. Your ghost reminded me I haven’t grieved you. But I don’t want to grieve you. I don’t want to accept you’re gone forever. I don’t want life to be this way. I escape into my mind sometimes, where we can be together. And I’d much rather live there. You come to me in dreams, and I never want to wake up from them, yet a part of me forces myself awake, at the pain of realisation it’s only a dream. You’re gone. And I’m in pain because of it. What’s so wrong in admitting this? Why do I have to pretend it’s ‘not real’ in order to escape the embarrassment of actually experiencing such feelings? I was attracted to you in every single way possible. The first therapist to talk to me about it asked if I ‘fancied’ you. And whilst yes, I very much was attracted to you in that way, it was unbelievably so much more, and she cheapened it. From then on I felt stupid for how I felt about you. She compounded the problem.

I just got upset a moment ago, thinking about the way everything went…. wondering how different my life would be now if I had just kept it all to myself, pretending I felt nothing. What if I’d just dropped out of the group instead? My life hurtled out of control because of a stupid choice I made, and I couldn’t put the toothpaste back in the tube after that…. I had to just go with it. But it’s left me with such immense regret for my decisions. Opening up about all of this has been one of the hardest, shameful experiences of my life. I’ve felt pathetic. I’ve felt not ‘good enough’ to feel this way for you. I’ve felt hideous. Deluded. Ashamed. I feel embarrassed to talk about my feelings for you. My personal life is personal, and I’ve had to be very open about my lack of experience with such things. I don’t want people knowing the ways in which I think of you. I don’t want them pitying me. I don’t want them thinking I’m just fantasising or that I’m immature in my approach to feelings, and in my views of ‘love’.

Who is to say what ‘love’ really is.. what it means? Love is what you make of it at the time. Love is love. Sure I might meet somebody and fall in love with them, and realise that whenever I thought I was in love before, I was wrong… that this is real love. But something even stronger could come along after that….. it doesn’t mean I didn’t love before. Love changes. There isn’t one mould for love…. love isn’t something you achieve – it’s not something where you go ‘Aha! This is what love feels like! This is love, and anything before this was not love’. I used to believe that, but after meeting you I see love in a different way. There are also different kinds of love. Obviously this is unrequited love. This is ‘I love you even though I’m nothing to you’. Of course if I meet someone one day who loves me like I love them, that is what I will call real love.  But it’s a different love. It doesn’t mean the love I feel today didn’t exist. Love is an emotion. That is why I have to accept that I feel it towards you, because you can’t help how you feel. Obviously I’m not daft – the love I feel for you is different to the love your wife feels for you. I’m not totally insane, saying that ‘I love you more than anyone else ever could!’ – I have more sense than that. I try not to be too logical about how I’m feeling…. that would indicate that I think I stood a chance. I’m a dreamer – but I am a realist. I know the reality. I don’t need to get into the complexities of reality. But with the knowledge that my feelings of love are miniscule in the great scheme of things, I have to be true to how I personally feel, and accept that this is how I feel… as embarrassing as it may be. I’m working on it. I know I have to let go. I have to move on. But even though this was not any form of ‘relationship’ in the slightest, I have to allow myself to heal as though it was something. It takes me quite a time to recover from my feelings for men – I have such feelings so rarely – I become quite devoted in my affections and desires. I have to treat myself with the care I would in trying to overcome a break-up.

In some ways this is worse than a break-up, because a break-up would indicate you were together in the first place. You had your time. You had memories together. You had your shot, and in theory you could have that conversation to get some sort of closure. But with you and me, there was no ‘you and me’. There was no relationship. There was no time together, no memories. We didn’t ‘have our shot’. We didn’t have a conversation and closure, because the situation did not call for it, being a purely professional one.

This was nothing. I know that. I was reminded of that… that there’s no need for closure as nothing existed. I’m not stupid. I know I don’t deserve closure. I’ve had bad experiences in my past where I wasn’t given closure, and although this wasn’t a situation that warranted ‘closure’, it just would have been nice to be given a chance to heal those wounds from the past. To actually feel like things can be different, people can be wished well and given a chance to heal…. rather than everything always being left unfinished – wounds gaping open, and the world hurting.

I just feel so upset right now at the way things were handled. The scars I’m left with because of this, both physical and mental. And I feel doomed to experience the same pains over and over in my life, because not even fucking therapists want to help give me hope. Not even fucking therapists could see an opportunity to fix the broken bits of me… the bits that believe I’m not worth a conversation…. that people come and they just leave – leave my heart gashed open…. that I’m a burden. I feel so upset right now. I can’t stop crying, and all I want is for you to hold me and make it go away. But that never was, never will be, and I feel sick with myself for even wanting that. I feel like a bad person. But I just want you here.

 

I wish I’d never met you. Because living without you, having discovered you exist, it’s too much. If I close my eyes in the daytime, if I don’t think of you, all I see is destruction. It’s like everything else has died. Everything is dead. The only time I see light, is when I think of you. But that doesn’t last long… it turns to tears when I realise it’s all make-believe. Even you are dead in this world I’m living in, in reality.

 

I often try to think how to describe the pain I feel about all this…. it’s not easy. It’s like a pent-up scream…. like roaring in pain and sadness, but on the inside. If you externalised it, it would be just that – a noise. A very loud noise. But because it cannot be released vocally it sends painful waves throughout my body – you know that pulling in your chest when you hear something that breaks your heart? It’s like that, but through my whole body. It’s a heaviness. A depression. It travels straight to my eyes – sometimes I can cry, sometimes all I can do is stare blankly at the floor, feeling like I’ll explode from the grief. There is anger there, and I want to punch walls because of it. But it’s a lesser emotion. Sadness, grief, despair, hopelessness, heartache…. these are my emotions. And I’m not so good at coping with those emotions. They’re less reactive emotions, and more ruminative. I find it harder to pull myself out of these emotions… they paralyse me. It sometimes feels like someone is reaching into my chest and squeezing my heart and won’t let go – it feels like my heart stops beating, like it’s giving up… and I can’t breathe. I don’t even want to anymore. It’s in those moments I think ‘How am I ever going to carry on living with this pain, and you gone forever?’ That grasping of my heart, the despair of loss… it’s enough to make me not want to live anymore. In those moments I just want the world to end. If I can’t know you, and I can’t forget you, I can’t exist with the memory of you. It’s too much. It’s just too much.

 

Love & Loss: An Open Letter.

*Contains swearing, suicidal thoughts etc*

 

Dear Matthew,

All I wanted when I sought your advice, was to know how to let you go…. to know how to stop the pain. I just want it to stop. Why wouldn’t you help me…?

Nobody knows this burden I carry. Yes they now know about it, but it’s not spoken about anymore, and even if it was discussed, nobody can ever comprehend what I’m feeling. Can you understand it? What it’s like… to be wholly enamoured with someone… someone you know you can never have… to be heartbroken with this realisation…. but on top of that to never see or speak to them ever again…

I can’t do it Matt. I can’t do it. I thought I could. Look, I’ve already made it through three weeks without you. I survived Christmas. But it’s having to survive however many years I’m given to live. I know this makes no sense to you, to my friends and family, to anyone, but I cannot do this. I don’t understand why I feel how I do, but this is how I feel. And it’s unbearable.

I wish I never met you… just so I didn’t have to lose you. I don’t know how to recover from this loss. I don’t know how to stop ‘loving’ you. I don’t know how to stop wanting you, missing you and hurting for you.

I dreamt of you last night. It was a nice dream. But I awoke having thoughts of ending my life. I can’t see any other way to stop this bomb of emotions ticking away inside me. I need to scream into a valley and let the pain echo over the land. I need to cry and collapse in a puddle of tears. I need to be held and protected from myself.

I haven’t harmed since that night I lost you. But the scary thing is, I feel I’m beyond that now. Harming myself won’t stop the pain. The only thing that will stop this grief is to see you again. And that will never happen. So do you see the predicament I’m in? There is no other way out of this mess… this torture. And that’s why my mind turns to that dark place.

I’ve started having visions again, of me standing on the bridge. I call your number, just to hear your voice one more time, on the answerphone. But you answer instead. I tell you goodbye. And after that, I don’t know what happens. I don’t know if I jump or if I’m saved. But if I’m saved I want the pain to stop. I want to forget you.

Knowing you has scarred me forever. Not only physically but emotionally. You are my living ghost, haunting me day and night now… I can’t even escape you in my dreams. I just want to forget you. How do I forget you?

Why didn’t you help me? Why did you have to be so cold and distant? Forget the job, haven’t you a heart? I saw it in the penultimate week… when you spoke to me and seemed to understand more – why couldn’t you have shown me that compassion earlier? And why couldn’t you have allowed me closure? Don’t I deserve just one fucking ounce of closure, just once in my life?! You’ve added to the pile of crap I already had to live with. You’ve taught me all people, particularly men, are the same. And I am not worth a conversation. I know, I know… I’m too demanding. I don’t have rights to ask for these things in this situation… you have to do things ‘by the book’. Screw the book – I’m a human being, you’re a human being, couldn’t you just burn the book for a moment and treat me like a person in need of a little human understanding and warmth? I guess that really is too much to ask, of anyone… But do you see how being made to feel that way is adding to my shit sense of self-worth? This is what I mean about being failed by you lot…. I have come away worse off… thinking I’m a burden, a nuisance, an attention-seeker, demanding, needy, stupid, pathetic, immature, completely fucked up in the head and beyond help. I believe you and everyone else there are pleased I’m gone, and no longer an issue for you. I believe none of you gave a fig about me as a person. You all detested me.

And that fills me with such intense rage, I want to throw my computer out of the window, and punch the wall next to me, until I break my own hand, or there’s a hole in the wall – whichever comes first. I want to trash the whole room. I want to harm myself. It’s not your fault I was stuck with a shit therapist, who didn’t take any interest in my struggles, made me feel like an idiot for how I felt about you, and ditched me immediately after the course…. but the fact that happened makes me hate, not only her, but also you. Because you didn’t help me. You robbed me of that option, and made it so I would have to discuss the problem with my therapist at the end, and did she help me? NO. You dodged the issue yourself, made me think I would have support afterwards, and I didn’t. So it feels like you lied to me. You avoided helping me, you lied about the support I’d get. And now none of you have to care what the fuck happens to me. I could throw myself off a roof tomorrow and none of you would be any the wiser. And if you knew, you wouldn’t care!

Do you know how painful that fact is?! That you don’t even give half a shit about me, and I feel 100% emotionally invested in you! I know you can’t help how I feel about you. And my God I wish I didn’t feel it. If it was a physical part of me ‘loving’ you, I would cut it out this instant…. but this feeling for you permeates through every single cell in me. It exists in every bone, every muscle. It’s in my blood and the air I breathe. It’s in my heart and my mind – I can’t cut this out of me… no matter how many times I’ve tried. You’re a part of me now, and I can’t get rid of you. A part of me doesn’t want to be rid of you. I want you in my life, in some capacity. But then I just sound pathetic… for needing someone in my life so much, and feeling like I can’t live without them, and you probably don’t even remember my name by now. This fucking sucks.

I asked you weeks before I lost you, how to detach from you. You never gave me an answer. I wish you had. I needed to prepare for losing you. All you said was about remembering my values. How does that help me? What, remember the fact I’m a ‘good person’ and would never be ‘the other woman’ – this isn’t even the issue – it was never that kind of issue. It was never something I’d have to consult my values about. I know full well that I am a decent woman. I would never in a trillion years go after a married man. I knew this was hopeless and unrequited from the start, I made that clear. My values don’t even enter here. Remembering I’m a good woman doesn’t help me to not have feelings for you. It’s quite possible to have strong feelings for a married man and yet not act on them! I wanted to know how to let you go. And thinking ‘Well, he’s married’, wasn’t and isn’t enough to do that. This doesn’t change the fact that I know it’s one-sided and that you’re married and happy and about to have a child. I know that even in a perfect world where these things didn’t exist, you would never choose me. I know that. This isn’t about whether I can have you or not, and whether I’m a person who would cheat with someone or not….. this is about intense feelings of love, and immense grief and sadness that I’ve lost you, forever. It doesn’t make sense, but it doesn’t have to make sense. I feel these strong feelings for you whether I can have you or not…. whether you’re in my life or not…. this is how I feel. And I can’t just stop feeling this way. I wish more than anything I could. If I could fall asleep, wake up in the morning and have no memory of ever meeting you, my life would be that much better… I’m sorry to say. You’re a lovely guy, but to have known you and lost you, is worse than to have never known you existed. I wish you and other people could understand this concept.

Meeting you has further ruined my life. Because I’m sat here in pain, trying to cope with essentially the ‘death’ of a man who I never had, and who never knew how I felt about him – yet he’s still living life happily, and blissfully unaware of the mess I’ve been left in.

I’ve been left with a whopping great gaping wound on my heart, that nobody can help mend but you. And since you’re gone from my life forever, I have to hope I don’t bleed to death before I find a way to heal it alone.

xxxx

Open Letter: Why Didn’t You Help Me?

*Bad language*

 

Dear *James,

Yet another night I’m sat in tears over you. I guess I should want to sleep, as that’s the only way I will ever see you again. I’m heartbroken that I didn’t even really get to say goodbye to you. I wasn’t mentally present. I don’t know if you wished us well, said goodbye or what. I didn’t even say thank you.

I wish so much that I could’ve been given the opportunity to sit down with you, once the course was finished, and just be allowed to talk about the elephant in the room…. to finally express how I felt, and perhaps find some level of healing. In a perfect world I would’ve been allowed that closure. I would’ve been able to say anything I needed to, and I would’ve had validation, that it’s okay to feel how I do, it’s a positive, and you might say that you hope I’ll find someone to share these feelings with… that I don’t need to be ashamed… and that there is hope… there are good men out there.

This could’ve been your opportunity to fix all the broken parts of me, all the fucked up beliefs I have… you could’ve played a huge part in my healing, but now it feels like you’re a part of the damage. I wasn’t given the space to express myself. I wasn’t given closure. I could’ve done with you checking that I’d be okay after the last session…. that I’d be safe… you had the knowledge that I felt unsafe about losing you… you knew that. So why didn’t you care what might happen to me when I walked out the door?

I know throughout the course you couldn’t help me, it wasn’t your job. That’s why I held onto it all, to speak to my therapist about it at the end. But she did fuck all to help me. I feel you’ve all abandoned me with it. This massive horrible, heart-wrenching experience and it’s like none of you want to know.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I came along and delivered a problem to your door – something none of you were prepared for. I’m sorry I’m that person. That one who fucks everything up. I’m sorry I ever said anything. I wish I hadn’t. This has only reaffirmed the belief that I just should not open my mouth ever. I should suffer in silence. None of you have made me feel it’s a good thing I opened up about it, so I can only assume it wasn’t.

You probably think I saw my therapist and she helped me and I’m okay now. You’re probably not concerned about how I am. But you lot failed me. And now I’ve been sent out into the world to cope with it on my own. You all washed your hands of me. You’re free. But I’m suffering, because of the way you handled this.

And to be honest, those feelings paired with the feelings I have for you, and the loss of you, are making me consider the bridge again. I’m so sick and so tired of feeling how I do tonight… and I feel it most days at the moment. I feel such an overpowering sense of love towards you, that I know isn’t ‘real’ but it fucking feels like it right now. I feel sick to my stomach at the thought of forever without you. I don’t want to do ‘forever’ if that’s the case. I just feel if I could’ve had one conversation with you afterwards, it might have cleared things in my head, and allowed me to move on. But just like with everyone else from my past, you didn’t allow me that closure. So now I’m stuck in a place of love, loss, and abandonment.

You know, here I am thinking about jumping off a bridge, and here you guys are leaving me with this huge problem to solve on my own – which effectively feels like you’re throwing me off the bridge, or at least giving me a push. Therapy is supposed to help you, and make you feel safe. I’m more of a danger to myself now than before therapy.

I just want you to know you could’ve done more to help me. I would’ve really appreciated it. You might’ve freed me from my past, but now I’m firmly rooted in it. Now my heart is violently ripped open and won’t stop bleeding, and I don’t know what to do. I just want the pain to stop. I want to not love you. I want to not miss you. I want to not lose you. But I do, I do, and I have. And nothing can change that. I just wish you had helped me when you had the chance.

xxxx

 

*Name changed

Open Letter To The Therapists.

weddingthemes.com

 

*Names changed*

 

Dear James and Sarah,

As my attempt to communicate something to you failed, I choose to tell you in this way. These are the things I wanted to say, but had very little time to do so. Whenever I have written about, talked about, or even just thought about the words I’m about to say to you, I have broken down in tears. I feel so emotional about this, but being in the spotlight in the group, trying to convey how I felt in a short space of time, I couldn’t express the emotion properly. Unfortunately the written word does little to show emotional depth and pain, but I will do my best.

First of all I want to thank you both so much for the help and support you have given me in the last couple of months. My journey on this course has been incredibly tough, as you know. The difficulty I had in the third week was traumatic, and I wouldn’t have blame you if you’d given up on me there and then. So the fact you didn’t, and you gave me another chance to try again, means a lot. I know at times you both might question if you’re helping me… you might think I’m going downhill, and whilst yes, I am finding things a lot tougher right now, the things you tell us each week are slowly sinking in. You’re giving me other options… other ways of thinking. Even something as simple as mindfulness of my body and my breathing is making a difference to my life. I also accept now that my emotions are valid, and whilst they might not require action, they need to be acknowledged, accepted and respected… and allowed to just be, without judgement. I didn’t have this belief before. I don’t think I even had this belief when I did two courses of DBT. So thank you for giving me that help. And for continuing to believe in me after I felt I let myself and you both down.

The second part of what I wanted to say is how attached I have become to you. Sarah I obviously feel attached because of the practical help and treatment you gave me, and continued support. And James, you know I’m transferring on you. I’m not about to lie and say that this is ALL a past problem, it’s not. I am attracted to you, and like you as a person in your own right. This is a present problem as well as a past one. The present problem is being intensified by the links to my past.

When I think about this course ending I’m in tears, because I’m hurtling towards another loss that I don’t want. A goodbye I don’t want to say. I don’t want to lose you James. Whether it makes sense to anyone else; whether people think I’m mad for feeling that way for someone I’ve only known a few weeks, I don’t care. This is the reality of how I’m feeling. And I wish you could help me deal with that feeling. I don’t trust anyone else to do it. I don’t trust them enough to talk to them about this. I need you. I need your help.

This feels like it’s going to be another loss to add to the pile. I’ve had a lot of losses in my life, in the last few years. People I cared about, meant a lot to me, and those I didn’t want to lose from my life. They either hurt me before leaving, or they just vanished on me. Disappeared without a word. They never allowed me to have closure. They never gave me a conversation… a chance to say what I needed to say… and to hear what I needed to hear. When people left my life, I expressed my sadness to them – I told them what I needed to say, and those were the things I needed to hear back. But I never heard anything back. I’d either hear something really unhelpful and uncaring back, or radio silence. Both told me that I didn’t matter…. that my feelings didn’t matter…. that I was worthless and these people never cared about me.

The same will be true of you. I could spout out words until the cows come home, about how much I admire you, like you, care about you, worry about you, think about you, will miss you, will be utterly heartbroken to never see you again…. it’s irrelevant to you. I’m just a number. You will never say anything in response. You will never miss me. In fact you’ll likely be glad to see the back of me! As soon as I’m gone you’ll forget I ever existed. And that is just a mirror of my life. That’s why it hurts so much.

When I care about someone I care to the nth degree. When I fall, I fall hard. When I’m thankful for your existence in my life, I feel like you are a part of me, and the loss of you will rip that part of me out. I can’t help it. I don’t love by halves. I don’t care by thirds. I don’t value by quarters. I’m in 100% or not at all. And with you James I’m 100% attached. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m that messed up in the head and the heart that I feel something for you that I shouldn’t.

Any pain I feel is amplified too, by the level I care about you. If I even detect or perceive rejection from you, it’s like you’ve just kicked me in the heart and it stops beating. If I think about losing you forever, I don’t want to face forever. If I feel ignored by you, I’m a terrible person, nobody cares about me, and I shouldn’t be allowed to speak to people.

Even if you were not married and not a therapist, and even in the most unlikely situation that you even liked me back, there is STILL no way that you could ever feel for me, as strongly as I feel for you. That’s the loneliness of BPD. So to feel that way for you, and have all those obstacles, meaning you feel nothing for me…. it’s so lonely, and so desperate. I feel trapped. Helpless. Hopeless.

I guess my hope was that as a therapist you could help with the transference and GIVE me the closure that nobody ever has. Let me say what I need to. And if needs be just bloody fake saying what I need to hear, in order to heal from the past. But that won’t happen. I sense that. I sense I’m out of my depth… or you guys are with me.

I feel too complex for you. I feel like a burden and like you probably wish you’d never taken me on now. And since I’ve found myself in this tricky situation I kind of feel the same. As I don’t believe you are prepared to help me with this issue, it’s like I’ve come for help and been left with more problems… and I’ll be sent off into the world with it unresolved… feeling worse…. with nobody to help me.

The thought of losing you forever is too much to handle. The group thought I meant them, or the routine of coming to the group. But I meant you James… losing you is agony. It doesn’t have to make sense for it to be valid and true. I don’t cope well with ‘forever’ and ‘never again’. Just a few months ago I lost someone forever…. where it truly is forever. My first major loss. So now any sense of loss I feel is multiplied by that. I was ‘fortunate’ enough to know when the end was coming. He had been deteriorating for eight months before he died. And we knew when the end was near. So not even 48 hours before he passed away, I got the opportunity to sit beside him, stroking his head and telling him everything I needed to – like how proud I was of him, and how thankful I am to be his granddaughter…. that I’d be okay, and if he wanted to go to sleep he could… I told him how much I loved him, and I said goodbye……. But by that time he was unconscious. He couldn’t speak. He couldn’t say anything back. All those years of his life when I could have told him I loved him, and heard him say it back, and I didn’t, because I struggle with those words… because I never hear anything back. I chose his deathbed to tell him. And he couldn’t say anything back to me. I don’t even know if he heard me. So although I got closure in the form of saying what I needed to, I have still never had closure in the form of hearing from the people I’m losing. I’ve never had that. I need that. And I wish so much that you could help me get that. Just once in my life.

But I’m now in the mindset, where I think I’ll just shut up for the rest of the course. Get through it, knowing I’m not understood and can’t be helped. I’ll face the crisis at the end, and after that I’ll do whatever I have to do… you won’t care what happens to me anyway. I don’t matter to you like you do to me.

This burden is too hard to bear on my own. But it seems that’s the way it’s got to be. I wish I’d never got into this mess. As much as I appreciate your support, I know it’s not enough for someone like me. I’m scared all it’s doing is waking up my demons, before throwing me out there again to cope with them on my own. That’s more dangerous than leaving them sleeping. I don’t feel safe right now. I don’t feel supported. And I don’t know what to do.

xxxx