I never recovered from Adam disappearing on me.
I never recovered from the things Nick said.
I never recovered from the things Joe did.
I never recovered from Gill’s betrayal, and losing her and Sam.
I never recovered from how Hannah treated me.
I never recovered from losing Grampa.
I never recovered from therapy and my attachment to Matt.
I never recovered from being neglected on the first anniversary of my loss.
I never recovered from all the abuse online last year.
I never recovered from the way you treated me.
I never recovered from you ghosting me, like everyone else did.
I never recovered from you blocking me.
I never recovered from Liv taking her own life.
I never recovered from your absence in the wake of that.
I never recovered from losing Chloe and Logan from my life.
I never recovered from losing you.
I never recovered.
Not from any of it.
Do you get it now?
Do you understand why I changed?
Do you understand why I’m desperate to end my own life?
I never recovered from any of it. The experiences I had, built up and became too much.
I wasn’t just battling one thing at a time. I was being hit by all of these things over and over again, each time a new loss, a new traumatic event or anything remotely painful occurred.
I can’t recover from any of it. I never will.
And you turning your back on me when you did, that was the terminal moment of my life.
That was the moment I knew I’m destined to take my own life sooner or later.
When I had you I had at least the hope of recovery. I had something worth recovering for. I had the kids. I had someone I thought cared. I had someone who never gave up on me.
But you did.
You gave up on me too.
Now there’s nothing left.
To fight against that mountain of loss and trauma is hard enough.
To have to do it without your best friend by your side is impossible.
To have your best friend jump up and down on top of that mountain, increasing the load, is unbearable.
The worst part is that you never were to understand the layers of trauma and pain I felt.
You could never sympathise, as you didn’t know the mountain of memories and emotions on my shoulders.
You didn’t know the burden I had to carry.
I carried it alone.
I didn’t want to burden you or anyone else.
And somehow I still did.
Even keeping my distance from you, I was still ‘too much’.
You walked away.
In my mind and heart I feel you never thought of me again.
You were happier.
You were free.
You forgot all about me.
You were friends with Sam, with Gill, with Hannah – you replaced me with her.
What a win for them all… to know we’re not friends anymore… that you cut me out.
Eight months… eight months since you blocked me… the first time.
You blocked every way of me connecting with you again.
You moved house, and told me nothing of it.
Can you not see the pain that would cause?
What did I do to deserve all this?
I can’t recover.
I won’t recover.
This is too much.
I have no life to return to if I do recover.
Everything is gone.
Liv is gone. You’re gone. The kids are gone.
Everything has changed.
All the people who were once my friends have grown up and created lives for themselves. You would know – they’re your friends now.
And I’m stuck here. Powerless. Paralysed. Unable to change. Unable to survive. Because you all destroyed me. You all took my trust and my care and crapped all over it. You left me a broken mess on the cold floor. You left me too traumatised to even move anymore.
With you in my life I could see a little light.
Now there’s pitch black.
There’s only the desperate urge to end this life.
No friends. No connections. Nothing.
Just emptiness and anticipation of death.
You did this to me.
I wish you could’ve understood the weight I carried in my heart and my mind, from all that’s scarred me forever.
I wish you would’ve helped bear the load.
I wish you hadn’t added to the pile.
I remember at therapy, with my attachment to Matt, saying that I knew I was facing another loss, which would add to the pile of loss and pain… the unresolved trauma. I was right. That’s what happened.
A lot has happened since then, to add to that ‘pile’.
So much more.
What makes it the worst is I didn’t want any of this.
I didn’t want to lose you.
I mentioned stepping back for my mental health and our friendship.
I never would have blocked you.
You made it permanent.
Why do you hate me so much?
Do you not understand what you’ve done to me?
Do you honestly want me to kill myself?
Is that it?
Because if not then you’ve gone about everything so utterly wrong.
Do you know that I’ve written you a note for when that time comes…. and something I wanted the kids to know too….God knows how I’ll get it to you, now I don’t know where in the world you live.
But do you really want me to leave this world thinking you mean me harm and hate me? Do you want to have to live with that on your conscience for the rest of your life? That you could’ve sorted things out with me and not pushed me towards this certainty with your cruel abandonment, when I was already breaking under the weight of everything else in the last ten years…
How will you live, knowing you could have done something to prevent this?
I deserved more.
I deserved enough respect to talk to me, and not just abandon me so casually.
Did thirteen years really mean so little to you?
Did I mean so little?
In the last three years a lot has happened…
I had to learn to live in a world with grief in my heart. Real grief. My first loss.
My world changed. I never recovered from that.
I had a breakdown at therapy and went down a slippery slope with my self-harm. I never recovered from that.
I was neglected by everyone… I was isolated whilst experiencing this new grief, and the breakdown of my mental health. I never recovered from that.
I felt you pulling away from me… a long abandonment over about a year. I was right to fear losing you. That fear affected me in ways I never expected. I will never recover from losing you and the kids.
I lost Liv…. five weeks before I was finally set to see her again in person. It would never happen. I’ll never get to talk to her again. I’ll never get over that….. now I want to be with her. I don’t want to exist in this hell of a world, where nothing is right, and nothing is left, and I’m buried under that mountain of hurt and loss. That mountain you stuck your flag in, to claim a victory over me, as you blocked me… taking all the power for yourself to decide when I may talk to you again.
You defeated me.
You were in control.
All the good it’ll do you when I’m gone.
But I feel you don’t care an inch about that.
But let me tell you, from experience…. losing a friend to suicide is one of the most traumatic things you could ever experience…. all the words you never got to say to them…. the questions unanswered…. feeling you could’ve said or done something to stop it happening. It’s a brief moment and they’re gone. You can’t change it. You can’t get them back. You have to live with the burden for the rest of your life. It’s a burden I can’t carry…. not on my own…. not now I’ve lost you too.
But you’ll be alright. You have lots of other friends to help you carry ‘the burden’ of losing me, should you feel anything about it when it happens.
You’ll never have to feel what I feel now.
You’ll never know how alone I’ve felt.
You’ll never know the weight I carried in total isolation.
You’ll quickly recover.
You don’t have my illness.
You weren’t screwed over by everyone you ever trusted.
You don’t have my memories.
You survived losing me as your friend. You chose it. You’ll survive losing me forever. As far as I know this is it for us forever anyway…. that’s how it feels. So you’ve already adjusted to my absence. It won’t make much difference my being gone.
And you’d better not cry, or come to the funeral – not that I’d have one… nobody would be there.
You could’ve done something… all you had to do was care. All you had to do was put our friendship ahead of your pride. All you had to do was talk to me.
You just had to not walk away from me at the lowest point of my life and treat me like I was nothing.
But then I guess I really am nothing.
If I was anything to you then you would’ve stayed and fought for me, like I tried to do for you.
You wouldn’t have given up.
You wouldn’t have run away.
Everyone runs away.
It’s the biggest sign they never cared.
Nobody ever cared.
I was just a game to them all.
A game of ‘power’.
I’m done being a pawn in a game of ‘control’…. simply used to boost the ego or get something.
I may not deserve more.
I will never have more.
But I’m done.
I won’t be used anymore.
I won’t be ignored anymore.
I won’t be mistreated anymore.
I won’t BE anymore.