Poem: Deluge.

 

Deluge

And just like that, the lights went out…
Extinguished once more by those too afraid to let me shine.
It’s for my own good they claim;
“We’re on your side” they cry from the bank of the river
As they watch me flail around,
Dragged under by the current;
“We can’t give you the in-depth help you require” –
When all I asked of them was to throw me a line
And I’ll save myself from drowning just fine.
One word.
One simple line,
And my lungs would not be filled with silent screams
And bitter salty tears,
Stained red from the wounds they inflict
With each jab and kick,
At my absolute lowest.
None of this need be
If they would only help me…
Help me to help myself;
Prioritise my mental health.
Be human for a moment and see the person before them
Pleading, as she has her whole life,
To matter, to hear it and have her needs met;
Begging for once to get, that which she asks for.
For she’s only ever known rejection, deflection,
Disconnection,
Detachment and denial of what could heal her heart.
Things given freely to others are withheld when she asks;
She’s learnt her needs come last.
I matter not to these folk…
Their idea of ‘help’ is an utter joke –
Help by denial of the one thing which would be of use,
For pitiful reasons they simply refuse,
Using any excuse
And leaving me to drown in a torrent of paranoia,
A deluge of pain,
A flood of anger and resentment as I circle the drain.
Nobody reaches a hand to pull me from these cold, lonely,
Devastating depths…
It’s too much trouble;
I’m not worth the bother.
So here I’ll drown… before their very eyes;
I’ll bid them all goodbye
And spare them the hassle of me being me.
I’ll set them all free,
Take one last desperate gasp of air
And give up the fight at last.

 

 

Poem: My Prison Soul.

 

 

My Prison Soul

 

I almost tasted freedom from this prison of emotion;
The closeness of you, my key…
You came so close to saving me.
I peered through the lock, awaiting your arrival,
Beholding the light of you,
And a world free from these shackles of darkness.
Your radiance shone through the keyhole,
Straight through to the cold, murky walls of my prison soul;
That ray of hope kept my fighting spirit alive.
I waited for the sound… the turning of that key;
Through the lock I watched a shadowy figure approach –
The silhouette of a woman blocking you from view,
Ushering you away, and there was nothing I could do
But wail after you –
“Come back! Don’t leave me in here! I need you! I need your light!”…
Helplessly I watched you fade out of sight;
The woman jangling the bars of my cell
As she forbade me farewell,
And doomed me to this relentless hell;
Withholding my liberty,
My chance to escape…
She bound my hands
And sealed my mouth with tape.
Left here to rot in silent solitude
And to never complain
Or ever again
Ask to be released.
She will not be satisfied until I am deceased.
It won’t be long my dear –
My heart beats its final beats
As the will to endure perishes.
Nothing can live forever in the dark…
‘The prison guard’ ripped my light away,
Now I’ll never see the dawn of day.
My only companion is the voice in my head –
The one saying I’d be better off dead…
Is this what you wanted?
For me to die?
Left to fight to the death – my demons and I?
I shall not win, for my wounds run deep;
If abandonment you sow
Only death will you reap.
My mind and body are weak;
I have not the strength left to even speak.
The pleas for help die in my mouth –
They’re swallowed by my heart;
My insides ripped apart…
These bones break on the walls of frustration;
My blood runs cold on the floors of isolation.
My recovery shot,
My name they forgot.
If willing was enough, then my heart would stop this minute –
For what is life with no light in it?
She trapped me and gagged me, and threw away the key…
Now, without your help I will never again be free.

 

 

 

Poem: Drowning Through Life.

 

Drowning Through Life

 

That place between life and death,
That void…
That’s where you’ll find me;
Swimming around in an ocean of emotions
Too immense for the human soul to witness,
Or the human body to contain.
No breaths of relief can be taken here.
I choke on the fluidity of people’s inclination to care,
To stay there,
To see my worth;
I drown in the words unspoken,
Unheard,
The lack of sentiment, the lack of words.
I gulp down indifference
And gargle blame,
Lost in this sea where nobody recalls my name.
Even the sharks that usually circle at the scent of blood
Care little to devour me –
Nowhere to be seen;
Though I bleed profusely from my wounds,
I bleed not red but emerald green…
The colour of envy –
Envious of those who get to live on solid ground
And know not the horror of drowning through life;
Jealousy of those who matter to someone,
Whose cries can be heard and are satisfied
By a love, an interest, a connection,
The warmth of affection –
Not left to the ravaging currents of these ice-cold depths,
Forever alone…
My blood is water,
Water, my blood –
My broken heart feeding salt to the sea
Which then in turn reminds me of how those tears came to be.
Can anyone see me here, sinking under the waves?
Am I worthy of being saved?
You’ll see my face in a crowd
But I am not there –
My mind is elsewhere,
In that far-off land – unable to live, not ready to die,
With no-one to help me or to bid me goodbye.
Look for me in between these worlds,
Find my soul;
Please see me
And return me to myself,
Or else
I fear
These days will be my last.

 

 

 

Poem: You Were My Sunrise.

 

You Were My Sunrise

 

A blindingly stunning sunrise, after a relentless night…
That’s what you were to me as soon as you stepped into sight.
And try as I might,
I cannot forget those first moments in the warmth of the day,
The second you turned vibrant colour from desolate grey.
You made the chaos go away,
Silenced the traffic of my mind,
Settled my heart and made it whole again.
You woke me from my deepest, darkest slumber;
Roused me from the nightmare of living;
Breathed life into my spirit and showed me hope once more.
You emitted a light like I’ve never seen before.
You guided me towards you,
Lifting me from the depths of Hell,
Coaxing me out of my self-imposed shell.
You were the first gasp of air after two years of drowning;
The gentle fall of rain after an intense heatwave.
You encouraged me to be brave.
You were a powerful breeze, clearing the clouds of doubt and burden
From the night sky,
And revealing a star-filled canvas for you and I
To share,
Under the same Heavens, even if I never have you there
Or know the comfort of your care.
You took my hand and raised me upon your shoulders.
You gave me strength long-buried…
Buried by the weight of the world and all upon it,
Who slashed me with goodbye of some kind;
You gave me courage to leave them all behind.
You gave me all this by simply being you –
You probably have no clue
About the ways your sunshine saw me through.
And as the sun sets yet again
And the world returns to darkest night,
I’ll remember you fondly and thank you
For blessing me with your radiant light.
For just a moment I stepped from Hell,
Into the land of the living…
I had faith;
I felt connected –
To you, to life, to me…
You came along and set me free.
My mind was a prison and you were the key.
The others swooped in, locked me up and threw you away…
Never again to see the light of day.
The colours have faded back to grey.
Without you I wither, I wilt,
As ruins become of the inspiration you built.
A chance wasted, opportunity lost;
Alone in this prison cell I will slowly rot,
With treasured memories of you – they’re all that I’ve got.
Thank you for my brief moment in the sun with you…
I’d forgotten the healing touch of Summer’s rays;
And as I fall back into coldest Winter,
You’ll be in my heart,
Always.

Poem: Him.

 

Him

 

The intimate eyes I’ll never see,
The hand I’ll never hold,
The lips that never will meet with my own,
The love I’ll never be told.

The smile that doesn’t belong to me,
The arms that will not hold me close,
The heart that does not beat for me,
The soul I crave the most.

The secrets I will never know,
The life I cannot share –
Any other time or place
Life may not be this unfair.

A candle in my darkest depths,
A light to guide my way,
A reason to keep holding on
To stay and fight another day.

Inspiration to create,
To open up and to give,
A hope there’s purpose in the pain,
Encouragement to live.

A longing for requited love,
Sorrow when we part,
The rules are keeping me at bay,
And another owns your heart.

Tragically only mine to lose,
A tear falls from my eye…
You only came into my life
For another sad goodbye.

 

Poem: Is This Hell?

 

Am I dead?
Have I departed this life already?
And rather than a ghost that haunts,
I myself am haunted…
Haunted by all I’ve lost, who I was, all who left.
Have I died, or is that yet to come
In some swift act of self-inflicted violence…?
Is this how I die… alone, unloved and in silence?
Can you see me, or see right through me?
Do these words even exist?
If I am dead, then I know for certain I am not missed.
Nobody noticed I wasn’t there.
Nobody cares.
They never would.
Can a ghost feel pain in their chest,
And a never-ending sense of unrest?
Is this Hell, or purgatory?
Am I yet to discover my destination?
Where do broken souls go?
The ones who never found peace in life
And chose death in its place….
Do we linger like this in time and space?
Nowhere to go and can’t move on…
Am I really dead and gone?
Is this all a dream?
Some altered state of reality from which I cannot awaken…
How else could so much have been taken
From my life?
Savagely cut from me with the bluntest of knives.
The Faceless People watching by as my world burns to dust.
Broken heart, broken trust.
They came to watch the show,
Lining up to see me go –
No goodbyes,
Only quiet disdain
For the girl who went insane
From too much trauma and pain…
Their backs were the last thing these haunted eyes would see.
If I am dead, then why can’t I be free?
Free to journey through the stars;
Reunited with loved ones, wherever they are…
This isn’t where I’m meant to be –
Bound to a world where no-one sees me.
If this indeed is purgatory, then Lord let me rise
To the sky and be by their side.
If that’s a place I do not belong,
Then have mercy on me, cast me into Hell… let me drop,
And let this ‘life’ be over….. please make it stop.

 

 

 

Poem: Hell On Earth.

*Sorry about the length / quality of this poem…. been many, many months since I wrote any poetry, so rather rusty and had a lot to get out*
*Rare for me, but the use of a swear word in this one, and also violent imagery, mention of self-harm / suicidal feelings etc…. i.e. not a happy poem!!*

 
Hell On Earth

I’m trapped within a blind scream,
Starved of oxygen,
A sense of direction,
A place of safety.
The knives in my back twisting with every tumble
Through the unknown.
I try to pull them out, but they’re lodged right down to the bone.
Frightened, alone,
I pray to hit the ground and know peace…
The peace of Heaven.
This world is beyond my darkest nightmares,
A Hell on Earth.
A walk so uncertain and so full of pain;
For years I have soldiered on… now it feels it was all in vain.
Anyone I once called ‘my rock’, is dead or gone –
Giving up on me, or giving up on themselves
And taking the step into darkness,
In the quest to find the light once more.
Some left this Earth, others still walk it,
In blissful ignorance of the damage they caused.
Burning violence courses through my veins… but stays contained within.
The only time it ever shows is when I slice into my own skin.
Pain is the one thing I can control, in this fiery Hell.
I can’t make them love me.
I can’t make them stay.
I can’t make them treat me well and not walk away.
People are uncertainty, pain, danger.
Any moment they can let you go, leave you for dead,
Scarring you with their words and those left unsaid.
There’s nobody left…
Nothing….
I’m merely an empty shell,
A crazy girl in a prison cell,
A crippled mute down a deep, abandoned well.
No-one can hear my screams,
They never hit the air.
I cannot escape… I need help but there’s nobody there.
All I needed was someone to care,
To venture out on a limb,
Wear their heart on their sleeve and show me a little light,
But they turned their backs, strode away,
Gifting me the pitch-blackness of night.
The inner scream is torment… deafening.
I rip my own face in two to set it free
And destroy the universe with its power.
Every ‘rock’ from my past who walked away,
Threw me to the gutter, spat at me,
And stomped on my heart,
You belong in this Hell I’m living.
Fuck you, and all those who say I should be forgiving.
You are the ones deserving of suffering.
Yet here I lie, flattened against the wall,
Melting into oblivion,
My words of affection splattered next to me, rejected,
A stain of a memory of who I used to be,
You fractured my spirit until I no longer resemble me.
You made your choice,
You stole my voice,
Bound my hands,
Stabbed my heart,
Slit my wrists,
Made it intensely unbearable to exist,
Left me to die a bloody death all alone.
I wish I had a heart made of stone,
Just like you all, then maybe I could live,
Cope with the torture of breathing, in a world such as this.
Hard, raw, vivid, painful, terrifying in its reality.
Nothing is safe.
Everyone’s dying,
And nobody will care when I do.
They’ll celebrate my demise,
If they even notice at all, having severed all ties.
Neglected by the living,
Abandoned by the dead,
In order to survive I’ve cried, I’ve screamed, I’ve bled.
My knuckles bruised, my skin scarred and red,
Living is too hard.
The instability of life,
The accumulation of knives in my spine,
The loneliness, the trauma, the loss…
I’ve nothing left,
You killed me.
Leaving me, with no goodbye,
Now take your seat and watch me die.

 

 

Poem: When The Darkness Takes You.

When The Darkness Takes You

 

When the darkness takes you, and you’re floating in eternal space,
The tunnel is no longer a tunnel, no eventual light,
Darkness came and robbed you of hopeful sight,
And everything is tinged with the blackness of a starless night…
When the darkness holds you, and you crumble in its embrace,
You cannot breathe, for the thick, poisonous, smog-like air,
The arms of darkness grip you and you’re a prisoner in its lair,
The loneliness strips you of hope, love and the capacity to care….
When the darkness pushes you to the most sinister place,
You speak often of destruction, of death and inflicting pain –
To others, as a whole world against you turns you insane;
To yourself, as you contemplate stepping in front of a train…
When the darkness stabs you and disappears without a trace,
A stealthy offender that the darkest shadows conceal,
A deep gaping wound which can’t be seen, but you certainly feel,
No witness to vouch that the pain you feel is real….
When the darkness swallows you, and it shows not on your face,
It consumes all hope you can recover, to see a better day,
In the hollow of its belly there’s not one flicker or a ray,
The last remaining specks of you have all been blown away…
When the darkness kills you, your soul it slowly will erase,
The light in your eyes will be snuffed out by gloom,
Your conscience turns off as you welcome your doom,
You bleed to death in your cold, desperate and lonely tomb.

Poem: Footprints In My Dreams.

 

No sight can be seen, so bittersweet
As your footprints in my dreams.
The soothing sound of your footsteps
Walking the labyrinth of my mind all night,
Searching for my weak spots –
Sweet memories, unresolved feelings, desire.
You sing your lullaby straight to my heart
And I fall all over again.
You whisper my name so beautifully,
Caressing my soul with your shy, loveable smile.
You speak of love … with love,
And we both know it’s forbidden
But the truth cannot remain hidden …
I know it,
You know it.
Your affections cannot walk the daily plane of existence;
It can never be in this life,
I have my illness; you have your wife.
But somewhere inside you dwells a seed of a feeling,
An intrigue,
A wish.
For things to have worked out different to this.
You cannot sleep at night
So you stray into the realm of dreams,
Wandering through my mind,
Hoping to find some hope or chance
To share with me, one kiss, one romantic dance,
One single moment to be alone
And make it known
You miss me too.
Dreams of you bring pain,
But only in the waking world –
It’s why I’d sleep forever if I could,
For when I am with you, life is good.
A part of you is with me always,
You’re a treasure locked within my heart.
And as nobody is aware, they can never rip us apart.
Only I can choose to let you go …
I never will.
I adored you once and I love you still.
Come meet me in my dreams,
Each night if you may,
And tell me all the words we never got to say.
As fate has sent us our separate ways,
We now must love in dreams.

Poem: Razorblades.

*Self-harm & suicide theme, read with care*

 

Razorblades

 

Skin… how can something as thin, hold such immense spiritual existence within?

Skin… the broken mask I wear in this life.

Skin… you found your way under mine…

I’ve razorblades for fingers;

When I think of you I touch myself,

And the blood runs rivers over my withered bones.

My decaying waste of flesh awaits a higher purpose,

Free of this hideous cage, this mortal coil, this abandoned life.

Lord, won’t you take me home?

Too timid for this world, too broken to journey on;

None can hold my hand, lest they cut themselves.

Alone I battle,

Memories of you staining my skin, green, red, black and blue,

Green, the colour of envy for those who keep you…

Red, the colour of love, and that of passion, of anger and of pain…

Blackest black, the colour of a starless night; no hope in sight…

Blue, the colour of sorrow and the tears in which I wallow.

Stroking my arm, to comfort myself –

The cold steel opens a vein

And my heart falls out, a fraction at a time,

And with it pours a little of my mind.

I’m finished with reality,

There’s nothing left in life for me.

The war is lost…

I’ll soon be your ghost,

Loving you from afar, willing you to succeed,

Being your angel in your time of need.

At least in Heaven I can love you.

At least there I can see you, though you cannot see me.

And from this zombie corpse I shall be free.

My brain rots inside of me, I feel it every waking moment.

There is no hope,

No rest long enough to save me,

No joy strong enough to keep me.

I’m a scrap of crumpled paper, tossed in the dustbin,

Awaiting recycle…

God grant me a better life in the next, this mountain was too high.

I am strong, but I can’t work the impossible, no matter how I’ve tried…

No more parting, no more loss, no more with goodbye;

I grasp my lonely wrist tonight,

And step on through towards the light.

 

 

 

*Just a note to say not to worry about me – this is just my way of expressing thoughts creatively and having something productive at the end. Though I do feel incredibly depressed right now, I’m not an imminent danger to myself.

Poem: Tiny Fingers.

 

 

Tiny fingers grip your own;

Mine grasp the pen I last held in your presence.

Your heart is full of pride, and love unimaginable;

Mine full of torture and despair.

You hold a fragile life in your arms and kiss it goodnight;

I hold a thousand hopeless wishes, and kiss my arm with the knife.

Tears of joy you shed…

The tears I cry are crimson red –

The colour of love, and that of pain.

If I could bleed you out and cleanse my veins

Of the stench of you I would;

I would drain you from my memory if I could,

But I can’t, my soul is latched;

My heart is irrevocably attached.

You’ve a future before you, a life-long adventure;

I’ve no wish for a future in which you do not feature.

I’m a hazy memory now – distant, vague;

You’re my ghost every waking minute, distressingly vivid.

Please take my life, I do not want it, I cannot live like this –

Knowing I’m forgotten by the one soul I miss.

Comfort and soothe me, then lay me down to sleep,

And then warn your child to avoid my path and don’t fall in love so deep.

Protect them from this sorrow,

From it I could not be saved.

Oh to be that child, your world, your everything,

With a whole life safely within your heart.

I’d never lose you, until the day of parting came,

And then I’d meet you in Heaven.

But that shall never be…

We are strangers, drifting further each day,

Not even Heaven will save you for me.

I stagger on without you, broken for all eternity.

I hold this pen, these words I write,

As you tuck your little one in at night…

Those tiny fingers grip your own.

I cling to love… and I love alone.

Poem: A Part Of Me.

A Part Of Me

 

I tried to slice you out of me, releasing you from my veins,

But no matter how many times I try, the ghost of you still remains.

I tried crying you out, draining your image from my eyes;

I’d tell you I’ve forgotten your face, but that would only be lies.

I’ve written pages of letters, poems, heartfelt words,

But so many thoughts and emotions still linger, unheard.

I’ve blasted music in my ears, to try and drown out your voice,

But in the silence I’m haunted by it, and have no choice.

I’ve tried breathing you out of my lungs, expelling the air,

But on the next inhalation I find you’re still there.

I tried sleeping you away, but you appear now in my dreams,

So the following day I’m filled with silent yet deafening screams.

Even if I awoke one morning, deaf, dumb and blind,

I’d still be tormented by you, for you’re tattooed on my mind;

You’re etched within my heart, until it ceases to beat,

For my heart is alive with memories – not just a scarred lump of meat.

You’re forever in my mind, my heart and even my gut –

Nothing can change this, no amount of words or cuts.

It’s hopeless, I’m powerless, I feel my hands are tied,

My body, my heart, my mind won’t escape you, until the day I’ve died.