*Mentions self-harm / suicide & contains bad language*
So this happened at the weekend….
I couldn’t believe what I was reading – where had this come from? A ‘friend’ and I were discussing politics and all of a sudden she was personally attacking me, saying it’s good I don’t have any children. What kind of person says something so unpleasant? She was nasty.
I saw red, and responded as I did. I couldn’t believe the cold, callous, apparent narcissism I was witnessing. She had just been raving about how amazing she and other young people are, and how important they are, and then said something horrendous like that to me, and when asked how she would like it, she implied it wouldn’t bother her as she doesn’t want kids. I couldn’t believe it. I had to actually drag some level of remorse out of her!
My heart was pounding faster and harder than I’ve ever known in my life, and my heart was erratic – I had palpitations. I had the buzzing in my head. After typing my responses, and blocking her on Facebook, I started hyper-ventilating. I furiously searched around for my self-harm stuff, and quickly slashed at my arm, before bursting into tears. After patching myself up I went to see my parents, and they could tell immediately that something was wrong. I burst into tears again, and started hyper-ventilating… so much so that I felt I was going to pass out, so I sat down and told them what happened. My mum was furious and wanted to use my account to give her a telling off. I said I needed to calm down first and foremost, so she never did do it. I took my blood pressure and it had soared to the highest it’s ever been, and my heart rate was over 110 beats per minute… this was having calmed down a little!
During my anxiety attack I took a screenshot of the tweets and posted it on my Facebook, needing support and people to validate my feelings. To make me feel better. One of my friends did so, by saying how awful it was, and hoping I’d blocked that ‘vile person’ – she doesn’t know her. And another friend commented on her comment, and said ‘She isn’t vile x’ … Now, fair enough, ‘good people do bad things, it doesn’t make them bad people’…. but there’s a time and place for that – this wasn’t it! It had literally JUST happened, and I was in severe distress. That kind of sentiment is good to have… when you’ve reached a place of forgiveness…. like I could say it was just a mistake. But for Heaven’s sake I had only just been publicly attacked by a friend!! It’s going to take a lot of time to reach any place of forgiveness towards her, if ever! So until then I am allowed to believe she’s not a nice person. I’m allowed to believe she’s a bully. I’m allowed to hate her if I want to. I am allowed to believe she is a vile person – because how could any sort of ‘lovely’ person say something so cruel and vile?
I know the comment was aimed at my friend for labelling her as vile, not knowing her. But what it actually demonstrated to me was a lack of sympathy, caring and loyalty. She was more concerned about defending my attacker against the word ‘vile’ than about the long-term scarring that girl had just left me with – mentally and physically! My heart started racing again, and I went red. This felt like a second attack from another friend. It felt like they were taking her side against me. This has happened to me in the past with the last ‘friend’ who bullied me. That’s why I won’t tolerate disloyalty anymore.
I don’t expect my friends to take sides in this. Perhaps the ones who don’t know this girl, yes, but not mutual friends. She only hurt me, so I can understand the others won’t have a problem with her. And that’s fair enough. But that doesn’t mean they can’t sympathise with me and say what she said was wrong. It doesn’t mean they can’t speak out and stand up for me. The friends who keep out of it is one thing. But if a friend defends my attacker, and doesn’t offer up any form of care for me, and doesn’t condemn what was said, then to me it is CLEAR they have chosen a side. They chose the side of someone who is an unpleasant person and chose to hurt me, out of nowhere.
I never asked them to take my side. I never wanted them to have to pick a side. But they did. And that was demonstrated by their comment. ‘She isn’t vile x’ – I think that should be left up to me to decide don’t you? As I was the one who was hurt by her. What you have to realise is with BPD you can go from liking someone to hating them at the drop of a hat. They can be a decent person, and then boom, they’re a vile person for what they did. And I am allowed, for now, to think she is a vile person. Eventually in time I may come to think she made a mistake and spoke out of turn, and it doesn’t change that she’s a ‘lovely’ person. But I do not feel that way right now, and that’s okay. And if it’s not okay, and me having this opinion is offending you more than the way she’s treated me, then you are part of the problem, and you don’t have my back. So don’t be surprised if I distance myself from you. I will not be ganged up on by friends. I have been shitted on by so-called friends for long enough now, I don’t deserve it, and I will not put up with it.
The funny thing is, they were defending her against the word ‘vile’, and she was blocked on my page, so it was all for nothing. It was virtue signalling, wanting to appear like the loyal friend who had her back – well why the fuck didn’t she have my back? Why the fuck didn’t she post / tweet to this girl that she was out of order to say what she did? Why is it always the case that when it comes to me, nobody has any fucking loyalty?! They all support bullies. They all support disgusting, vile behaviour and condemn me for reacting to it! Well no fucking more. If anyone else does this to me, they’re out of my life immediately.
I’m very lucky that at least four of my friends have stuck up for me, by validating my feelings, saying it was wrong of her, and supporting me. These are the people who matter to me. Not ones who sweep it under the rug, as done and dusted. Not ones who say they don’t comment on political stuff now, when the attack was certainly not political – it was personal. Not ones who have the back of someone just because they’re 19, with mental health problems – never mind the fact I also have severe mental health problems… but of course I’m older, so can look after myself. Wrong. And the more false friends I have supporting my attackers, the worse my life becomes.
I can’t tell you how awful my life felt on Saturday. I seriously contemplated taking an overdose… or slashing my arms to high Heaven. I didn’t want to be here anymore. This was too much, given the personal tragedies I’ve faced this year. I’m still grieving the loss of someone so close to me, and this episode only brought that to the front of my mind again. I wished so much that he was here, to comfort me and tell me everything would be okay. It made me think how a ‘friend’ could say something so horrific to me whilst I’m grieving. But then I remember that this ‘friend’ unfollowed me on Facebook so didn’t look at my page probably – so wouldn’t have known anything about my life since February. If only she hadn’t been so immature as to do that in response to a request I made, she may have been more thoughtful about her words towards me – but maybe she wouldn’t. Maybe she’s one of those people who just says whatever the hell they want, with no shame.
The reason this comment upset me is partly because I have nobody special in my life, and because of my BPD I feel I never will…. which means I’ll never be able to have the children I so desperately want. Even if I do find someone, I have health issues which may make it harder to get pregnant. So might not get to have the children I want. I feel I’d be a great mum, if I was given the chance, as I have a lot of love to give, and have good morals I could pass on to my children. But I’m also devastated that my granddad passed away, having never seen me happy. He won’t be at my wedding. He won’t be there if I have children. And the fact I haven’t had any children yet, so that he could meet them, and so that my nan can too – and my parents, before they’re too old or no longer here…. upsets me so intensely – more than anyone else could imagine, as most people I know are married and have children. None of them realise how deeply her comment cut me, because they don’t understand my situation. This was one of the worst comments anyone could ever say to me, especially at the moment, when I’m grieving the fact my granddad didn’t get to meet my children, that I may never have. The guilt from that is immense, so when someone says it’s good I don’t have children, it’s like an attack on me as a woman – it made me feel like a failure for not having any yet, and like an attack on what sort of mother I’d be – what, simply because of my political views, and opinions on the nastier young people in society today? Of which she illustrated a perfect example!! I’d make a fucking great mother thank you. I’d at least teach my children to not behave as disgustingly as you did. Mine would have manners, morals, a conscience and respect for other people. Mine would respect a difference of opinion and would be sensitive to the feelings of others. Mine would be taught to make it up to someone when they hurt them, not ‘block’ them and run away from the responsibility. Mine would be taught to be humble and live quietly, not boast about everything. Mine would put the feelings of others ahead of ‘winning an argument’.
I think she resorted to a personal insult because she knew she was losing the argument. It wasn’t an argument anyway, it was a conversation. I was being very respectful towards her. The only time I got a little narked was when she implied young people matter more than those over 65 – does she include her own relatives in that?? I said that’s the attitude of young people that I don’t like, as older people have wiped the backsides of the young, and paid taxes to give them the lives they enjoy today, only to be told their opinion doesn’t matter as much as teenagers!! That’s when she took that swipe at me. She knew I knew more about politics, and in her mind I was obviously beginning to make her look bad, so she went for the jugular, to bring me down, or end the conversation as she’d had enough.
The comment about older people was replied to on a different thread, one which involved a couple of other people and a newspaper, but I spotted this before responding about the attitudes of the young, because I knew she was trying to bait me. She wanted me to rage at her, to show me up and make me a target for other people, as more people would see it if others were tagged in it. So I refused to play her little game. I replied to a tweet that was just between the two of us. Didn’t stop her sniping at me though.
I see she’s removed the disgusting tweet now. Now, some would say she’s done it for my sake, I say bullshit. She’s done it because I called her out on it, and she realises it makes her look like a nasty person. She thinks if she erases evidence of her past, that people will believe her to be nice. Well the thing is, I am never going to be able to forget this. I will have a permanent scar on my arm now because of her. I have the words etched in the front of my mind… they have been added to all the other nasty words people have ever said to me. I can never forget. It’s nice she has the luxury of deleting it and forgetting it ever happened. I cannot do that. So I’ve tweeted a screenshot of it, which I did before she deleted it. It was put on Twitter, it will live forever in my mind and on my heart, and on my arm… so it should live forever on Twitter also – the place that started it. She doesn’t deserve to forget. She doesn’t deserve to get away with erasing it, when I cannot. She has to face up to the disgusting way she behaves. It’s the only way she’ll learn. I’m sorry if people don’t agree with my thinking here, but people do this too often with Twitter – say something awful and then delete it. But Twitter is so public and instant. Even when deleted, hundreds of people may have potentially seen it. And people have to be held to account for the atrocious words they say. If she hadn’t deleted it I would have reported it. But she chickened out and removed it. Lucky I have the evidence.
What bothers me the most is this person apparently knows all about mental health – they’re a mental health activist. They’re training to become a counsellor. And as a colleague of mine said, she’d likely push people towards suicide rather than save them from it, if this is her manner / attitude. I would have thought she’d be a lot more understanding, and know not to hurt someone like me. She knows all about my self-harm and mental illness. She once messaged me and told me she’d just self-harmed, and I was annoyed at this, because one of the rules when in therapy is to not do that sort of thing – because you might trigger other people, which it did. It made me want to harm. This is partly why I eventually withdrew my support for her with her struggles, as I couldn’t cope with them on top of my own. I just find it hard to understand how someone could understand self-harm themselves, know that I’m at risk of it, and choose to say something hurtful which could lead me to self-harm. I don’t understand that mentality. I don’t understand why anyone could hurt other people, but when they know you have mental health problems and are prone to cutting yourself, why would they decide to say and do the things they do? She’s got eight years to train to be a counsellor, let’s hope in that time she learns compassion and respect for the feelings of other human beings, and gives up this need to be ‘right’ no matter the cost. She lost this argument by turning to nastiness and insults. And she lost a friend. I haven’t, because she hasn’t been there for me or made any effort for over four months, and all she brought me in the end was aggro. So I don’t feel a huge loss right now. Only in the sense that it impacts my friendships with others, and stops me attending things as a group… which hurts because it brings up my experience in the past. But my life might feel a bit calmer now, and that’s what I need right now, to work through my grief and get well again.
This upset has allowed me to take a step back and focus on self-care. I’m avoiding politics, the news and the outside world, when I don’t have to deal with it. I’m looking after myself, and focusing on the people who matter to me – my family, my Godchildren, and my real friends. I’m hoping to get back to blogging properly about mental health now – won’t be very regular, but want to start being more informative and helpful to others… get back to basics. I almost needed this breakdown to start again from the ground up. Just wish I could have got through it without harming myself. The key though is I’m not going to give myself too hard a time over it – have a hard enough time from others without beating myself up!
I hope everyone’s well. And if you’re not then take the time to look after yourself, and listen to what your soul needs to recover. Speak to you all soon xxxx