Tried But Failed.

*Self-harm & suicidal references, as well as bad language*

 

 

I’m trying my best to get to the end of this month without self-harming…. it’ll mean I only had one incident this month. But it’s so hard.

 

Last night I was researching my options for leaving this world. Today I see all the political news, plus our side of the argument is turning on itself. People are posting the same thing as me and getting likes and comments of support, whilst I have silence… nothing. Someone asked me if I was going to go back into my place of voluntary work, and when I said not at the moment their look and ‘Oh’ was like a stab in the heart. It was like a sign I’m a failure and a disappointment… like I’m just being lazy or a coward for not going in. The reality is the last time I went in, before the holiday, I had someone’s bad mood taken out on me. I felt unappreciated. I felt I was in the way and doing everything wrong. I self-harmed. So I don’t exactly feel up to facing all that shit again right now. I can’t pretend to be okay. I know this person doesn’t know how not okay I am – nobody does, that’s the problem. The only people who know how bad things are for me are people who read this blog. But I’m not okay.

 

I want to not be here anymore. Admittedly my emotions are likely up the wall at the moment for reasons probably only women would understand… but I feel I need to hibernate this week…. I need to stay off social media, avoid the news, avoid work, avoid everyone and everything…. but that one look of disapproval this morning makes me feel trapped. I feel I’m not allowed to keep myself safe. I’m expected to carry on and push myself. I now feel guilt for not going in to work, and for not caring if they’re okay with it. But I’m struggling so much and can’t do it. I could go in, to appease the disapprover, to stop my guilt, but I’ll be coming home with new scars probably… In fact I was just asked why I’m not going in…. in order for them to know so as not to put their foot in it….. bit late for that. It should be obvious the reason I’m not going is my mental health. If they can’t see that, then WTF!? They just keep digging the hole. As someone else said it’s none of their business. They should just accept I’m not going, as any questions about it will only make me feel bad for not going. I’m sick of all this shit.

 

I’m not ready to get on that merry-go-round of work. The never-ending stress machine where I embarrass myself and then can’t go in, then come back and struggle to cope and feel shit about myself. Where things are expected of me, people talk to me in tones I can’t handle because I’m right on the edge of ending my life, where one nudge and that’s it. I can’t do it. But then I feel I’m not allowed to not do it, because not going in makes me a disappointment, a failure and a burden to my loved ones. They don’t understand how bad I am right now, so they don’t understand why going in to work right now would kill me.

 

And I just feel the pressure building – from work, from home, from the job people imminently going to talk to me…. from myself, from time. I just want the world to stop so I can grieve. So I can recover. So I can want to live life again. Then I’ll continue and not miss more years of what should be ‘life’, to this mental illness. I’m just sick of existing and having to go through the motions just to keep others happy. And I’m sick of having to feel like a fucking failure for being unable to go through the motions. And I’m sick of not being able to TALK to anyone about the fact I can’t do this life anymore.

 

And then there’s my ex-friend. She doesn’t know what it’s like to always be the one who is abandoned…. left…. she made the choice to turn her back on me. She didn’t even give me the option. I tried to work things out with her. I put in effort. I told her the next steps. She just didn’t want to take them.

 

So now she’s free of me. Her life is probably improving without me in it. It’s allowing HER to heal. It’s allowing HER to move on. It’s allowing HER to distance herself from the hurt and the guilt, so that MAYBE one day we can be friends again as she’ll be in a better place. Utter bullshit, as I won’t be. Her leaving me without even talking to me has destroyed me and any chance of us ever being friends again. Whilst she’s out there healing and improving her life without me, I am paralysed. I cannot do the same because I have nothing left. She may be able to switch off from my existence and move on with her life and let go of the hurt, but I never will. Her way of ‘coping’ is a way of killing me.

 

 

^ ^ ^

Wrote the above this morning. Unfortunately something bad happened this afternoon and I’ve now failed to make it to the end of the month without hurting myself. My choice was either to do that or to throw myself out of a moving vehicle. This is the second time in two months I’ve found myself in this situation, and if it continues then I’ll opt for the latter. Almost had a crash earlier caused by some idiot on the road, which was terrifying enough, but it’s what happened afterwards that was the problem. I don’t think certain people get how awful it is for someone with BPD to be TRAPPED inside a vehicle, with no control, with raised voices and not being allowed to voice their feelings or fears. It’s NOT okay. I WILL fucking jump out next time. This has to stop or my life will stop. Simple as that.

 

So yeah, very shit day. Was shit before that, but there we go. I was going to continue on from earlier by saying I feel so completely isolated that I’ve considered getting in touch with people from my past… friends who hurt me in the past…. simply because I have nobody now. That’s how bad it is.

 

Oh and now we have another extension and no sign of a General Election anytime soon….. Parliament might as well hold the blade that kills me. They might as well push me off that ledge. They’ve pissed on my vote for the last time. I hope they all fucking rot in hell for the traitors they are. I’m as invisible to them as I am to supposed ‘friends’ and family. I’m irrelevant to everyone. I’m nothing. My voice means nothing. My voice should be ignored. I really am at a point of saying ‘FUCK THE WORLD AND ALL THE PEOPLE IN IT!!’ – I hate being that person, but I’ve put up with so much more than anyone should ever have to put up with. I hate everything and everyone, and I’m just done.

 

I’ve had my diazepam today. Not sure how much it’s helping at this point. I’m really annoyed I haven’t earnt my star on my calendar today. I’ve worked so hard to resist the urges to self-harm. I didn’t have another choice in this situation, and I’m SO angry with the person responsible for doing that. I’ll never forgive them for what they do to me with their anger. Never. They will be the death of me.

 

I really wish I could hibernate. I wish people would leave me alone, not give me any responsibilities or make me feel any guilt for just hiding away. I want to do that. I need to do that to keep safe. Why can’t I just be left to do what I want for a couple of weeks, alone? Why? I’m just so fed up with life right now. And people are an endless source of misery, pain and stress. I need peace. I need a break from life…. please.

 

 

 

 

No Recovery.

*All the usual warnings*

 

 

 

Today was a tough one…. saw my doctor. Talked about how everything is at the moment… how detached I’m feeling from everything I do. That I’m putting on a front to hide how I’m really feeling. I have nobody to talk to about anything now. I talked about how pointless everything feels. That I’m just going through the motions and doing things that people expect of me, but with no attachment to it.

 

After talking about the losses I’ve had this year she asked who I’d say is my closest friend now. Can you imagine how painful that question is? How depressing it is to shrug, shake your head and say ‘the people I work with’…  I don’t have friends now. I told her how all last year that was the problem, I FELT as though I didn’t have friends – that clearly pushed away any I DID have. Now I genuinely do not have friends. I mean close friends. I have acquaintance-type friends. I told her how after what my best friend was like with me, I’ll never be close to anyone again. I’ll never trust anyone again. I said that no matter if I formed a ‘friendship’ with someone new, it will never compare to the ones I’ve lost this year. I said I’m focusing too much on what I’ve lost. I do understand that. It’s hard not to, when you feel you’re losing everything around you.

 

I almost cried a couple of times. I talked about the pressure I feel… how it feels so much heavier than usual. That I feel people’s expectations of me are too high, even if they’re not. I feel too much pressure to do things, and to be a certain way. I feel so misunderstood and alone.

 

She thinks I feel detached as a form of protection. I don’t know. All I know is it’s scary and upsetting, as it feels like the prelude to doing something permanent. It feels like not caring. It feels like distancing myself from attachment, in preparation for letting go of everyone and everything. I feel everything is pointless because I’m ultimately going to follow the path of my friend who ended her life.

 

My head feels chaotic. I popped in to see my colleagues afterwards. I told them how overwhelmed I am by everything. That my mind can’t catch up with itself and that’s why I forget things, make mistakes, I’m clumsy and can’t cope with the tiniest of things. I admitted I’m worried about being the only one in next month, as a couple of them are off. It means working with someone I don’t particularly get on with. Someone who doesn’t know about my struggles. I feel pressure to be in, as nobody else will be. What if I can’t cope and have a meltdown? There’s too much pressure and expectation on me. I’m hoping after a couple of weeks off myself I might feel better about this, but I doubt it.

 

Life is seriously like… my body forcing me to do things…. physically being there and going through the motions, and my heart and my mind are inside, screaming, pulling at me and begging me to stop. That’s how it feels. My heart doesn’t want to go on. My mind wants everything to stop. But my damn body, the outside… the mask I show everyone, doesn’t want to disappoint / worry / burden anyone, and thinks nobody will understand if I don’t soldier on. So it forces me through hoops to appear normal. To appear strong. But inside, my soul is crying and desperate for a break… for peace… for the end. That’s why I can’t connect to everything around me. My heart’s not in it. My mind’s not in it. I’m physically there, but mentally and emotionally I’m in a ball in the corner, wishing not to exist. Wishing none of this was real.

 

This is all so difficult. And having nobody to talk to about it all makes it so much worse. I’m trying to do positive things. I contacted the Wellbeing Centre, I’ve started my charity walk, I’ve even taken up knitting again…. but none of these things are going to make me better. Nothing can. I can never get better, because I have lost the two longest friendships I had this year, in two very different yet very traumatic ways. Nothing can fix or change that. Nothing can fix me. Nothing can take away the anger I feel at my former best friend for ditching me and treating me so poorly. Nothing can bring my other friend back to life. Nothing will give me answers as to why these two things happened. Nothing can change the pattern of my life – that people abandon me and I never understand why. Nothing can erase the past. Nothing can reconnect me to this world again. I don’t believe I can ever recover. There really is no hope. People will tell me there is, but I don’t feel it. I don’t see it. I don’t believe it. This world is just too much for someone like me. I can’t face it alone, but that seems to be my destiny.

 

I’m just so tired of being here. I’m sick of feeling. I’ve had enough of everything. I want to forget everything. I can’t go on without forgetting everything that’s been and gone. Once upon a time there was help for people like me. Now I have nowhere to turn. What do you do… who do you turn to when you no longer feel a part of this world, can’t go on in it, and can’t see recovery? There’s nobody. All these services out there are ‘recovery-based’. You have to want to get better. I am beyond that now. I can’t see a future. I can’t see recovery. If I can’t see it how can I believe in it, and work towards it? I need better help than that. I just want someone to listen and understand how broken I am. I don’t want them to tell me it gets better. I don’t want them saying it’s normal and we all feel that way. I don’t want them saying I have to put the work in if I want to recover. I know that. For so many years I put so much work in, but it’s the world around me that pissed all over my efforts. It’s this world and this life that undid everything I worked for. It’s the people in it who broke me to my core. Tell me how I’m expected to put in any more work to help myself, when this fucking world is trying to destroy me…?! What is the point??

 

Mental health professionals are supposed to help you. They used to. Now they expect you to help yourself. That’s the core message they send out. So I’m a lost cause then? If I’m at a point I can’t help myself because I am in total darkness… what then?  I just want someone to …. I don’t even know the end of that sentence. Because the truth is I could say I want someone to make me want to live again. But with the trauma of everything I can’t live. I cannot see any scenario where I would feel happy again. Where I’d feel loved. Where I’d feel safe again. Anything I had and believed in has been violently ripped away from me. No therapy and no pill could help me now. That’s how bad I feel. I wish there was some treatment that would save me, but there isn’t. Because no matter what, I have to live with this mind, these memories, this pain and this loneliness forever. The scars I have inside are so much deeper, so much worse than the ones on my arm. Nothing can heal those. I’d say ‘prove me wrong’, but I think without my belief, nothing will work… and the trouble is I believe in nothing anymore. So it’s hopeless.

 

Feels dark today. Just trying to get through each moment. Having to tolerate a lot of unbearable thoughts and feelings lately. I wish they’d all stop. I just want to be me again.

 

 

 

Rant: Near Breaking Point.

I’m so sick of living in a world where people don’t self-reflect! Where they don’t apologise. Where they don’t take responsibility. Where they project onto innocent people or blame them for being upset. I’m sick of selfish people making me out to be selfish. Shitty friends making me out to be the shitty friend. People judging a life and illness they have no clue about. People not realising their words and actions have consequences, and taking offence when those consequences come to be seen, thinking they’re the victims. I’m sick of being hurt by people yet me being the one who has to apologise. I’m sick of people saying the wrong thing the whole bleeding time. I’m sick of being invalidated, dismissed and misunderstood, or being made to feel like a failure. I’m just sick of it all. I’m sick of everything and everyone – is it any wonder I don’t want to participate in life when surrounded by people like that??

 

I feel close to breaking point today. After a couple of days with no bandage on I feel close to having to put one back on. I cannot cope with my thoughts. I cannot cope with people being offensive and then not understanding when people are hurt as a result. They’re everywhere. There’s no decency left in people. And no matter how much work I might do on myself, if others won’t look at their own behaviour they will continue to hurt me and be a barrier to my recovery. I’m sick of being the one requesting therapy, when I need it as a result of people who should be having therapy themselves. Sick of it. Sick of putting in efforts where others refuse to. So angry about this.

 

I’m feeling really low today. Partly after writing a blog last night which delved into some stuff… partly because of things various people keep saying that throw my head into turmoil and hopelessness…. partly because I feel so alone and misunderstood. And then there’s paranoid thoughts. Reminders of these people I described above. Snowballing thoughts. Until I’m left with the massive, confusing ball of emotions that usually ends up with a bandage of some sort somewhere on my body. Will try and not let that happen. But I’m really struggling today. Sometimes I think it’s better I just keep to myself. Yes it would be lonely. But life is so painful when other people are thrown into the mix. I just can’t take any of it at the moment.

Can’t Do This.

2 months since asking the doctor to refer me to CMHT. Heard nothing.

Nearly 1 year since self-harming at therapy. Still traumatised. Still not over Matt.

Difficult date coming up regarding my granddad. People tend not to support me through those.

Starting to slip back to thinking nobody cares again. Silence = indifference.

Hard to fight paranoia. New to me.

Haunted by past. Life was ruined six years ago.

People alien to me. World unreal. Detached. Disconnected. Hermit.

Friendship in tatters. Don’t know how to mend it. Can’t face it at the moment.

Deliberately triggered, knowing my insecurities. Low.

Abandoned at the worst time.

So much physical pain.

Isolation. Isolation. Isolation.

Brother going to leave me alone in life one day, or make me speak French & rejoin the EU!

Family is small and getting smaller. Life is brother, nan, parents. All will leave me one day.

No relationship. No children. No house. No job. No car. Nothing.

Mental illness worst it’s ever been. Nobody understands. Nobody helps.

So much emotional pain. So much loss. So many memories. Want it all to stop. Want it to go away.

Life is all wrong.

Want to scream.

Want to harm.

Want to die.

Just Not Working Anymore…

Working is so difficult at the moment. Doesn’t matter how little it is I do, it’s too much. It’s all too much. Life is too much. I’m only doing two afternoons a week, but hadn’t been in for two weeks because of the bank holiday, and the fact I was ill for a week.

 

Within minutes of going back in I regretted it. It was a little build-up of things. First was nobody listening to me, and talking over me with drivel… it was drivel. It was larking around, whereas what I had to say was relevant and important – I tried at least three times to repeat it… and they acted as if I didn’t say a word – this made me feel INVISIBLE… which is how I feel in my life with friends right now. Then I was constantly in the way. That’s because there’s too many bloody people working there now!! I’ve become irrelevant. I no longer feel appreciated or useful. It’s so hectic having so many of us in such a small space. And relationships aren’t as close as before. I feel I’m losing my place there. It was ever since I had to take a few weeks off for my mental health. When I came back we had the two extra people. I feel I was effectively replaced. I feel like a spare part now. Anyway, then someone came in and wanted help carrying stuff – I looked over to everyone else, thinking they’d be in a better position to do it than me, as I was busy. But no…. I had to do it. I have a bloody bad back, and I’m still not 100% over being poorly… which they don’t know about, as they never ask anything anymore. Knackered me, and my back, and got no thanks for it.

 

It just felt like I’m invisible, irrelevant, unappreciated and then used. I wouldn’t normally feel that way. Normally I’d feel more helpful and hardworking. But I feel like shit, physically and mentally at the moment, and nobody really cared about that.

 

I can’t cope with people right now. Every little thing is like a punch in the gut. With being so close to the edge already and wanting to give up on life, I can’t be dealing with feeling like this at work. Two days ago I was considering ways to end my life. Yesterday I considered quitting work – luckily it’s only voluntary so no problems there. I won’t quit yet. But my days there are numbered. And I’ll probably take a few weeks off now, because I just can’t cope with it.

 

I try so hard to pretend to be okay, and to function like the rest of them and fit in, but I cannot do it at the moment. I feel like I’m screaming for help inside. I’m broken down like a child, but I can’t show it. I have to just keep going, and pushing myself forward. Everyone wants me to make progress… in terms of work, health, self-care etc… I can’t make that progress. I don’t want to live. The things they want me to care about, to tick their boxes and make them happy, I honestly can’t care about right now. Nobody gets that. Because to anyone looking I probably look like a functional adult. They can’t see the hell I’m in. They likely don’t believe it’s as bad as I claim it is. Truth is it’s much worse than I could ever explain to anyone. I’m sick of it.

 

Many people would say you just have to keep going, and pushing yourself through the tough times…. keep going into work….. but I’ve tried that for months. All it does is push me closer to the edge. If I keep going, against what my heart is telling me I need to do, I will snap and do something I can’t recover from.

 

I desperately need help now. It’s been two months since I asked to be referred to mental health services, and I’ve not heard a thing. I’m not sure if they can help me, or if they’re willing to. But at the moment they’re my only hope. And until then I have to keep myself safe and protected from the world. I’m sorry, but if that means shutting myself away, staying offline, keeping to myself and focusing on self-care then so be it. Nobody understands how dangerous life feels for me right now. They don’t know the extent of my self-harm problems, my suicidal thoughts, my disturbing thoughts and paranoia, and how unreal life feels most of the time now.

 

I have people say things to me that they obviously think are helpful, and whilst I’m grateful to them for trying, they’re not reaching me. They’re giving me advice based on a milder version of what’s wrong with me. They think about what helped them, as if they felt exactly the same as me. But they misunderstand. Because I appear ‘normal’ and can communicate to some degree, they think I’m better than I am. When people are advising me, they think they’re talking to someone  who’s having a bit of a down day. They’re not. They are talking to someone standing on the edge of a cliff, staring over the edge, picturing the fall… deciding when to jump… convinced that it’s the only way things are going to end. Their comments just don’t reach me anymore. They’re things I could’ve tried long ago, but I’m beyond that now. Nobody seems to comprehend how bleak things are, and how close to done I am. Nobody.

 

I had a meltdown last night, seemingly over something stupid. But nobody really knew about that, as I hid away and when asked what I was upset about, I just said I’m finding things hard at the moment. I’m really just fed up with everything hurting so much. I feel I’m always doing the wrong thing. Even when I reach out for support now, I’m hurt by the words people say, and the words they don’t say. I’m hurt by who doesn’t respond. I’m hurt by the lines and everything I read in between them. I’m hurt by tone of voice. I’m hurt by looks. I’m hurt by silence. I’m hurt by everything, and I’m tired of not being able to cope with life like a normal person. I’m sick of being me, and I’m sick of being mentally ill.

 

I really feel that life is a rollercoaster ride that I never agreed to go on. I don’t like rides. But I feel I’m being forced to continue with it. I don’t want to. I want to get off. I want to stop. I want life to stop for a bit, let me recover and when I’m good and ready I’ll join in. Sadly this isn’t an option. But I can have time off work for my mental health. I don’t care if anyone disagrees with this method. I don’t care if people who want me to make progress with work stuff have a problem with it. If they really want me to keep going until I kill myself then screw them… that’s what will happen if I don’t stop. So I’m going to give myself the gift of a break… for as long as I need, to be able to face the world again. Right now life is a risk I can’t afford to face.

 

 

Resignation.

*Contains all the usual*

 

I’ve lived the last couple of days in resignation. I’ve accepted nobody cares… not the people who I want to care. I’ve accepted life is insanely hard and painful and I just have to tolerate it. I’ve accepted I have to just put up with a lonely life and have no joy in any day. I’ve accepted I am here merely for others to use whenever necessary. I’ve accepted I’m a terrible person. I’ve accepted I’ll probably end my life at some point in the not too distant future.

 

The feeling of sickness faded away for a short time. Now it’s stirring again and I don’t know why. It’s like something inside me is fighting to exist… fighting to be heard… fighting to get what I want. And I hate that part of me, because it always leads me to feel physically ill and to be disappointed. I want to lose that part of me. Life was better when I realised I’m alone, I’m nothing, I’m a nasty, ugly failure who pushes everyone away. And that I’m going to be ashes sooner rather than later. Life was better then. I wasn’t fighting. I wasn’t chasing after people, longing for them to talk to me.

 

I hate where I got to last week…. begging for attention on my blog because nobody would talk to me. I wanted somebody, anybody to empathise with me and validate my feelings. I needed someone to be there. I tried on Facebook, Twitter and on here, and I was met with almost total silence. Do you know how it feels to have such intense and extensive rejection like that? To stomp all over your own dignity, reaching out, pleading for help and to not get any? Do you? Because I know that disgusting feeling too well. It was my life at school. There was no dignity. I may not have been begging for help, but I was begging for friends. I was begging to tag along with people at lunchtime, just so I wouldn’t have to endure my usual – standing by the wall all on my own, watching everyone else have fun. Ironic that this is what my life has come to…. me, standing alone having been rejected by everyone…. watching them all have fun and live their lives… me on the outskirts. Why can nobody understand how soul-destroying and agonising this is for me? It damaged my self-esteem at school and it’s doing it now. That’s why I’m done.

 

I’m thoroughly done with begging… chasing… it’s unfair that nobody gives me what I need willingly. And I hate everyone for it. I hate that people ditch the idea of meeting up with me and don’t speak to me again. I hate that I have to ask for support and care, and that the only time anyone notices enough to care, is when it’s too late and I’ve walked away. I hate that I live my life on my knees, in the dirt, just longing to fit in and be accepted and loved, and they all treat me as if I’m a fucking ghost. They treat me as though I’m already dead. Tells you how much I’ll be missed when I really am.

 

I’m fed up with normality. I’m fed up with my volunteering. I struggle with it. I put on a face… it’s getting harder to do. People irritate me. People ask about my bandage and what I’ve done to my arm – nothing mate, get used to it, it will be there long-term. If you’d rather see an arm covered in scars then fine, but I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable, and actually it makes me feel uncomfortable too. I get the conversations about mental health – my mental health – BPD… I even got that I don’t look the sort to have BPD can you believe it? That right there is stigma, assuming you look a certain way to have BPD. Will be writing about this later. I’m tired of the never-ending monotony of work – rest – work – rest – work – rest – work – rest … it’s boring. There’s nothing to break it up and make it joyful… only ‘duties’…

 

Having to lift other people up… family members… putting their mental health ahead of my own. It’s not appreciated. It makes me feel worse, that I put myself out for people, whilst feeling like utter shit myself and it feels it’s all for nothing. I get in touch, which is hard enough for me at the moment, and say to message me in response… they don’t message me… which means I have to do the running and chasing, which I can’t do anymore. So now I’m just in a state of ‘you know what, I give up… if you won’t meet me halfway then tough’. I’ve had ENOUGH.

 

I want people to realise I’m not well at the moment. I need them to meet me halfway or even go the whole distance for me. I’m sorry it’s this way. I feel shit about it. But it’s how it is. I can’t express all this to anyone. I’m alone with it. This blog is the only place I have to air this stuff. I know nobody cares what I have to say on here anymore. So really I only have myself. But at least I can say it somewhere. Nobody in my life knows the burden on me right now. I can’t take it anymore.

 

I feel assaulted by life. I feel like I’m laying there powerless… unable to move…. and things are being done to me and I just have to lay there and take it. I have to distance myself from it all in my mind and I see it as though not through my eyes. That’s my life right now. Everything I do is as though it’s done from a distance… as though I’m a glove puppet being made to perform in a show… only there’s no audience. There is no point to this. There is no point in struggling through the pain and burden of life, when I’m all alone and there’s no goodness in life. Why am I here? Why the hell am I enduring all this shit and mental torture? There’s no point to any of it. I’m told to be strong and keep going – why?? There’s nothing to be gained in my life. All I’ve known is loss. And the things that once kept me going have now gone too. I’ve been forgotten. I’m being neglected. And these people who are meant to care about me, know it’s hurting me. They know the silence is killing me. They ask if I’m okay, and when I say I’m not… silence. They’re done with me. And so I’m done with them.

 

I feel so rotten about myself, that feeling guilty for their frustration with me only makes me feel worse. And I can’t keep feeling this way. I just want to turn all my feelings off. I just need a break from emotions.

 

I can’t take any more of it. I want all the flashbacks to stop. I want to forget everyone from my past. I want to forget everything bad that ever happened. I want to feel nothing.

Can’t Escape My Mind.

I’m in a bad place mentally. Even now, when I should be feeling good, I’m not. I’m ‘on holiday’, not an actual holiday, but having a break from my ordinary life. I should be having fun, forgetting real life. I usually do when I have these breaks. But for some reason this time I just can’t  switch my mind off. I can’t block out reality. I can’t lift my spirit.

 

Yes I’m here, away from the world, but soon I’ll be back to normality and be expected to carry on like usual. I don’t want to do it. I can’t. I want out of this life. Nothing is right. Everything’s too hard. And I’m expected to leap when I can barely even crawl right now.
And I’ve just found out I’ve got something very difficult to deal with when I’m back, and they’re going to ask me to leap. Everything’s going to change for the worse. I already can’t cope with how I’m feeling about life. It’s not about to get any better.

 

Things just feel so dark at the moment. I feel so detached, from everything and everyone. My heart hurts for all the loss. My mind is filled with thoughts about harming myself, but I didn’t bring anything with me to do so. I was meant to be feeling better for these couple of weeks. I was meant to forget ‘real life’ and relax. It isn’t working. If anything I’m feeling more stressed and anxious, and totally alone with it.

 

I can’t win. If I keep busy I get overwhelmed and can’t cope. If I stop and relax, I think and can’t cope. Sometimes it feels death is my only answer. I can’t cope with life whichever way I live it. At least in death there’d be no struggle. Don’t worry, I’m not about to do something – I’m just expressing how trapped in life I feel right now. That there’s no way it can get better.

 

I’m so terrified of this appointment I have to deal with when I get back. I’m terrified of everything. I’m even terrified about my appointment with the doctor next week. Going to appointments is a real struggle for me again, like it used to be. I’m also going to ask to be referred to the CMHT. This is scary, because I don’t know what happens from there… I’ll lose control. I don’t know the process. They might turn me down. What if they can’t help me? What if nobody can help me? What if I have just reached the end of the line?

 

Finding out about this appointment/interview – which happens to be a phone one… not so great for someone with social anxiety centred around using the phone – it’s really messed me up…. the timing of it. Just when I’m trying to forget about the stresses of life and find enjoyment again…. and then this. One of the things that actually dragged me backwards last time I encountered them. I can’t afford to go any further backwards. I’ve been trying my best to pull myself forwards. I just really want to pack it all in right now. Give up. I feel life is trying to break me. This time I think I might let it.

A Hard Day.

Today has been a tough day. I’ve just been to the garden of remembrance with family to leave some flowers for my granddad. Today would’ve been my grandparents’ 69th wedding anniversary… they reached just shy of 68 years of marriage before he passed away – something I could never achieve…. unless I live to be 100 years old… and that would mean meeting and marrying the guy like right now!!

It was okay. I didn’t get upset like I often do when I go there. I’d already had a bit of a day, and didn’t want to get too emotionally involved in it all. I was just there to comfort my nan. It was a nice sunny afternoon, and the bushes and trees are green now, which they weren’t the last time I went. The birds were singing, and as we left the place where we left the flowers, we heard a seagull flying overhead. My granddad loved the sea, so we took it as a sign that he was with us. It was a lovely moment.

Earlier in the day I had bumped into the therapist I had transference issues with several months ago. He didn’t appear to notice me. I don’t know if that was deliberate. But it stirred many conflicting emotions up. I had never forgotten him. In fact only this morning I’d realised it’s six months ago today since I last saw him, thinking I’d never see him again. I probably never will again, but it was nice to know he still exists. I wish I could have said hello.

I had just had my therapy session, which is what I want to write about here at the moment. I need to get it out and clear my mind. I wasn’t happy about the session. I spent a lot of it just wanting to get out of the room. I didn’t want to be there. I felt it was a waste of everyone’s time. I’d made no progress, and the therapist didn’t seem to really understand the difficulties I have.

Many years ago when I was mentally unwell I was under CMHT, and although they’d occasionally make me feel like a burden, generally they were there to help me. Nowadays the services that exist seem to be a factory. They want to get people in and out as quickly as possible. They say they provide a toolbox, but otherwise it’s up to you to help yourself. That’s fine, if you’re in a place where you are capable of helping yourself. Unfortunately I am not. And this is something I can’t seem to get through to anyone. I might not be quite as erratic as I was when I was younger… but I promise you I am the worst I can ever remember being. I may not look it, but it’s the reality.

I wish I could help myself – I feel like such a disappointment to these services when I have to tell them why I feel physically unable to do anything about my life! I feel like I’m wasting their time, and they see me as a lost cause. I’m not being lazy. I’m not being stubborn. But if you heard the ‘motivation’ they try to give me, you’d be forgiven for thinking they believe that! I’m constantly told I can’t wait until I feel a certain way to take action… I have to do things even when I don’t want to…. do you want to step into my body for a minute and experience everything I’m feeling and all I’ve been through and then try and achieve these goals you set me, on a bad day? I’m sorry I’m a failure. I’m sorry I’m useless. I’m sorry I can’t click my fingers and magically recover. I’m sorry I’m not perfect. I’m sorry that I’m busy trying to stay alive, and that I have very little left over after that to put to good use.

I didn’t even admit to everything that’s been going on for me, as the conversation got swept elsewhere before I could finish sentences. I didn’t admit to the punching issues. I didn’t admit to the hair-pulling.

I tried to explain the rage, but I really don’t think it got through. I was told to use my anger positively and ‘let go of the negative stuff’…. that’s fine with rising anger. But I’m talking about full-on BPD ‘flick of a switch’, ‘seeing red’ RAGE. It comes from nowhere, and there’s no way I can use that anger positively. I can’t direct it into getting a job, or joining a club, or fighting for a cause. In those moments I am not in control of my body. In those moments the only thing I feel is the need to punch the living daylights of everything, particularly myself. Or I self-harm in other ways. They say ‘use mindfulness’ – but bollocks to that! ‘Mindfulness’ when you’ve been triggered and the rage is suddenly happening, will do bugger all. Once you’re triggered, and you react, there’s no space for mindfulness. There’s not even the awareness that it’s something that could be used. It is as they say – seeing red. Everything else vanishes, and very often the only way to bring it down and make it manageable, despite what therapists say, is to punch…. that brings me back into my body and more under control. I know they can’t understand this, and that’s the biggest problem I have with these people, is they really don’t seem to understand the challenges of BPD. I feel very misunderstood by them.

They also make things sound so simple. Like, ‘get out and make new friends’….. yeah… do you even know me? I have severe trust issues because of friends I’ve had. I hate myself so much that I don’t believe anyone new will like me – I even doubt the ones who do know me like me!

She talks about the fact that online connections aren’t real, and I need to have real friends in real life – again, this shows how little she understands. I had to explain that when you feel isolated from your friends and CAN’T have real life friends, then it’s better than nothing. It’s better to feel connected online than to be completely disconnected from civilisation.

When I talked about the fact I sing while I play the guitar, my therapist asked if I could go to an open mic night! I said no. I do not have that sort of confidence. I already said I’m not good at singing / playing. She said if I have musical friends I could get them involved….. I had already said my friendships are limited right now.

When I said about wanting to do office work but not wanting to have to use a phone, the typical therapist answer came – that I should challenge my fears… that  I don’t want it to be a life-long thing. Why not? What is this CBT obsession of having to face every fear, and to not avoid?? Sometimes it pays to avoid! I had to explain to my therapist that doing a job where I answer the phone, and the idea of an open mic night, are throwing me in at the deep end!

The trouble is if I had a therapist for more than four sessions, they would get to know me, and would know the things that are ridiculous to suggest to me. Where it’s part of this factory procedure there’s no time to really get to know me, and to understand me. It’s not helpful to someone like me at all. I need more consistent and long-term support. Anything else is damaging or a waste. I hate to sound ungrateful… I just don’t think their methods work for someone like me.

I wanted to get out of there so much. I feel relieved I’m done with the service now. I feel reluctant to seek help anywhere else now though, as I feel they’re all going to be the same. They’re going to give me the same crappy solutions, and if I don’t or can’t do them, they’ll wash their hands of me. I feel I’ll be wasting everyone’s time.

I can’t help that I feel as bad as I do right now. Believe me, I wish my life was better. Nobody knows how dire it is in my mind at the moment. Nobody knows the carnage I see when I close my eyes… the tatters of my life. Nobody hears the cracking of my heart. Nobody hears the deafening scream in my chest. Nobody feels the force preparing to erupt in me, or the other force pushing me down… paralysing me. Nobody knows. More than anything right now, I want someone to give me their time…. listen to my depressing feelings, validate them…. show compassion and empathy…. tell me they hear me and how sorry they are that my life is so shit, and that they can understand why I feel so broken and just done with life. I don’t want advice right now. I don’t want solutions until I truly feel someone gets my reality. I want to be understood. Until I feel understood, no amount of suggestions will help… they will all be met with a feeling that nobody gets how hard this is for me.

Today was exhausting, upsetting and I’m glad it’s finished with. The rest of the week is busy, but at least I get to sleep soon. A short respite from reality and emotions. I almost live for sleep at the moment. Goodnight everyone.

xxxx

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Working Isn’t Working.

*Self-harm & swearing*

 

I couldn’t even manage two hours at work today. I left early. I feel such a failure. I just felt useless and like nothing I was doing was right. It was a slow build-up of things, until a certain point and my switch was flipped. After that I was in destructive mode. I was using my environment to try and hurt myself. I wasn’t fully present. I could no longer put on a front for customers. I couldn’t talk to colleagues. I had shut down.

 

I knew I didn’t want to go in this morning. I wasn’t up to it. But I put on my happy face and forced myself out the door, thinking it might make me feel better. It didn’t. I didn’t feel good at all today… and they would’ve know that if they’d waited for my answer, after asking how I was. But I seemed invisible today. I wouldn’t have been missed. I wasn’t particularly contributing a lot anyway. I did a certain job, to try and keep me occupied and out of trouble, and then was made to feel it was wrong to do it. That’s when I phoned someone and went home. I thought what’s the point in being there, if what little efforts I make are not appreciated?

 

One of them won’t be in next week as she needs a break from the stress. Well my plan to do the same is out the window then. I’m not coping and work is triggering me this week, so I want a break. I’m already going to have to go in throughout April as my colleague won’t be there. It’s too much pressure. I’m not okay right now, but that doesn’t seem to matter to them. So I’ll slave on. But there will be repeats of today I’m sure. I felt close to having a complete meltdown.

 

At one point I hid behind the scenes, doing a job, I let one of them in on how I felt, and their answer? Pull yourself together…. be positive. Fuck you. These people don’t understand a thing. I’m going to do a post on things NOT to say to someone with a mental illness. Trouble is the people who NEED to read it, never will. I went away thinking I was hated and judged for how I was today. Not feeling good at all.

 

So for now at least I’m home and safe. Going to try and use my crisis box now, and not harm like I did after work on Monday. Don’t want it becoming a pattern of coping. How I’m feeling right this minute I am NOT going in next week, or the one after… or for a little while now. But will decide on Monday. Going to try and erase the memory of today. A total flop, and not a good feeling Friday like I usually have. Oh well. Can’t win them all.

“Toughen Up”.

*Very bad language & suicidal thoughts*

I have days like today where my emotional skin is next to nothing. Everything from the tone of someone’s voice, to the look on their face, to the words they say, to being ignored…. everything hurts me. It feels like a kick in the heart, a buzz in the head and a need to rip myself apart.

On days like this I feel there’s no place for me in this world. I will never fit in, because I’m too fragile for such a harsh world as this.

I help in a charity shop at the moment, and we were overloaded with donations today, so we had to turn down further donations… we actually had a sign on the door telling people, but nobody ever looks at the door as they come in… I hate having to say no to people. Some people are okay about it, and then there’s others who don’t think of the impact of their attitude. It was brave of me to decline a donation today, as it fills me with pure fear. And the person didn’t say a word, did a sort of ‘eye roll’ and turned away. I’m sorry – it’s not my fault! I’ve been told to not accept donations, and if I had, then I would’ve been made to feel shit by colleagues, so I can’t bloody win whatever! I kept calm and composed, but inside I’d been emotionally stabbed, and when I started to talk to a colleague about it, they said I need to ‘toughen up’.

This was the point I had to go silent and breathe, and focus on a task, because I was about to burst into tears in the shop. Not so much because of what was said, as I know it was well-intended considering who it came from, but the fact I felt they were right. I have to toughen up. I cannot and will not be able to exist in this world if people’s bad attitudes have such an effect on me.

But this annoys me. Why should I have to ‘toughen up’…. why can’t people just learn to be nicer people?? It’s a lot easier for people to have manners, humbly accept things as they are, and not make someone feel like shit, than it is for people like me to grow some magical emotional skin, out of nowhere. Why do nice, quiet, sensitive people have to change just to fit in?! Why the fuck can’t nasty, insensitive, loud arseholes be the ones to change for once?

Fine, you want me to change, I will… but you will not like the person I become. If the world asks me to toughen up and change, then fuck you world, you’ll see a change. I will be a heartless bitch. I will tell people exactly what I think of them. I will tell them next time – ‘It says it on the door, can’t you READ?!’ If that’s what you all fucking want, for me to not be my authentic self, then fine. If nobody can accept me for who I am…. if nobody appreciates a quiet, kind, friendly, polite woman, then fuck you all. I will be the fucking bitch you want me to be, just so that I can fit in with the rest of you!!!!!

I am so sick of my ‘niceness’ being abused. I’m sick of being trodden on. I’m sick of people telling me I’m too sensitive. Do you know what it’s like to be this sensitive, and to be told it’s wrong…. but you know no other way. This is who I was born as. You’re asking me to change my SOUL. I cannot do that. So if my sensitivity is so wrong, and I cannot fit into this world of rude people, then I’ll just end my life shall I?! Is that better?! It’s easier to kill myself than to grow emotional skin and change my soul that I was born with, I’ll tell you that much.

It is incredibly hard to live in this world how I am. I do not need people telling me that I need to change. NO. People need to learn how to treat other human beings with respect and courtesy. THAT is what needs changing. I am so sick of limping through life right now. I didn’t want to go into work today. I don’t want to do life at all right now. I have to fake being better than I am. But I cannot cope with incidents like today. I cannot cope with working. Not in that environment. I’m thinking of leaving. Because people have no idea how a charity shop works. We don’t have endless space to store things. Also a lot of decisions have to be made – I cannot do that at the moment. I have no confidence in myself. And my colleagues’ answer would be ‘be positive’. Well no. That’s not going to work any longer. I’m sick of being misunderstood. I’m sick of pretending to be okay when all I want to do is put myself in hospital, or worse.

I just don’t want to live right now. I want to rewind five months. There was at least a little light back then. Therapy ruined it. Now I can’t see anything. I give up.

Poem: Drowning.

Drowning

 

Inadequacy bouncing around in my skull…

Unintelligent babble of a loon who knows nothing.

Attempts at help always slap me in the face.

The snowball begins –

The isolation, the grief, the despair

All whirling round and down, and down, deeper and deeper,

Dragging me down by the ankles.

I can’t breathe,

I can’t see.

Tears and thoughts of the letting of my own blood, flood my eyes,

A hollowness in the centre of my chest,

A sickness in my stomach.

I try and ride this wave of emotions…

But this is no mere wave,

This is a devastating tsunami,

A vicious whirlpool,

A violent riptide,

All at once, pulling me in every direction;

I can’t find the ground… there is none…

I’m drowning, and my God I just want to let go

And submit to the waves,

Let them take me.

Only then might this pain end.

Only then may the world be free of me,

And my incessant rambling,

My pathetic neediness,

My intolerable being.

I disgust myself,

Pitiful human

Not deserving of love,

Happiness

Nor acceptance.

Revolting inside and out,

I belong in the ground –

Only there will peace be found.

So come on waves, take me now,

Pull me under and end this torment,

For us all.