Online Abuse.

 

 

*Self-harm trigger warning, very strong language and political discussion*

 

A few days ago I went through something I’m still trying to recover from, both psychologically and physically. I expressed my views on Boris and the burka business on Twitter, went out and when I came back I had 34 notifications – I didn’t know what for … I’d forgotten I’d even said anything at that point. As I scrolled through them I saw it was an endless stream of people disagreeing with what I said… saying I was talking nonsense, and attacking Boris. That doesn’t bother me. It initially made me feel bad for what I said, as I was being shown up for ‘being wrong’, and being ‘stupid’…. but eventually I got over that and thought, people are allowed to disagree, it doesn’t mean I’m wrong. Those people didn’t bother me. The ones who did were the ones who attacked ME. This post is about them.

 

I went into adrenaline mode, tweeted that I’d obviously triggered a lot of people with my opinions, and I’d better not read all the notifications or else I’d be cleaning up the mess for a long time – it triggered me. Surprisingly I managed to read them all without harming myself. My heart-rate went up a few times, as notifications came in and as I responded to a couple and got replies back, but I managed to calm myself down and not spin into a full-blown episode.

 

Unfortunately there was one person who affected me so badly I started shutting my account down, and another person who affected me even worse who made me self-harm on an epic scale. I have never punched a wall as violently as I did that day… only ever in my dreams. And I have several scars on my body to go with it. I’m still finding it hard to type or write with my right hand because of the pain. I still have flashbacks to that evening, and the roar of pain and desperation as I hit the wall and slashed at my skin. Thankfully nobody was in at the time, but I dread to think what the neighbours would’ve heard. I remember wanting to do to my right arm what I did to my leg, and had I done so I would’ve ended up in hospital. It also would’ve been the first time I’d harmed my right arm, and that would’ve been it for me… totally out of control. So I actually did a lot less damage to myself than I could have done and felt the need to do. I had to take two diazepam in the end as I was shaking so much, I was panicky, and I wanted to do more damage to myself. It saved me from doing something worse.

 

It’s a balance between me realising I do put myself in harm’s way by sharing my opinions online, so I have to protect my mental health from trolls and bullies. But also people need to stop being shitheads. They need to realise when they’re attacking people for different views, they’re not attacking ‘bots’ and ‘trolls’, they are attacking real human beings, with emotions. They’re not just attacking ideas and politics, they are attacking character, personality and a soul. They are attacking people who have various struggles in life. They do it to feel wonderful about themselves, to feel powerful and put others down, but some of us have a mental illness. This does not mean we’re not allowed an opinion. People should learn tolerance and respect, and how to talk to people without making them question whether they should continue living in this world. The next person they pick on may go a step further and end their life, and that would be on them. Could they live with that? I’d guess yes, because I don’t think these people have a conscience or morals. I don’t think they care about other people. They’d probably take joy in the fact I self-harmed… that the blood is on their hands. That’s the sort of sickos we have in this world right now. No compassion. Seeing everything as a competition… a game.

 

This is what happened….

 

 

This was one response I had – it didn’t bother me that much, but it is one thing that pisses me off about the left – if you post something that they disagree with, they write you off as a ‘troll’ or a ‘bot’…. they dehumanise you… which is ironic really, as they are outraged that Boris’ comments ‘dehumanise’ Muslim women. They have no issue in doing the same to ordinary decent people, who just happen to have a different opinion to them. This person isn’t the only one to do it – it is becoming the go-to response of the left. It’s also ironic because they revealed the troll in themselves.

 

Wikipedia says: “In internet slang, a troll is a person who starts quarrels or upsets people on the internet to distract and sow discord by posting inflammatory and digressive, extraneous or off-topic messages in an online community with the intent of provoking readers into displaying responses and normalizing tangential discussion whether for the troll’s amusement or a specific gain.”

 

My comment was on my own account. For me to be considered a ‘troll’ I would have to have gone onto a tweet by this person, and responded with what I said with the intention of starting an argument. But I didn’t. All I did was express my own opinion on my own feed. People coming in and arguing with me, and trying to get a rise out of ME are the ‘trolls’. I had many people come in and talk about general ‘racism’… about Boris’ other gaffes… about Conservative Islamophobia… about all sorts – that’s going off on a tangent, i.e. a form of ‘trolling’… I simply stated that I think the shit-storm is a diversion tactic in order to discredit Boris, and prevent a leadership challenge. I was saying there’s more to this than ‘islamophobia’… How is that ‘trolling’?? It’s my tweet! I can’t troll myself!!

I felt I had to say something and challenge this ridiculous belief that a normal person cannot make a different point… that they must get a kick out of ‘being controversial’ or must be paid to do it. I wasn’t being controversial either, just stating an alternative point of view! But they had to go on and belittle me, implying I’m stupid or gullible. Says more about them than me. Vile little idiot.

 

 

This is Ivan. Ivan is a rude little man. He was obviously never taught as a child that ‘if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all’. Of course there will be people who disagree with what I said – I don’t actually care about that. I had loads of people express that to me. But they did so by saying they didn’t agree and then had a rant about Boris. They made it about him and the topic at hand. MOST of them didn’t make it about ME, and so eventually I got to a point I didn’t mind them arguing … I wasn’t responding to them anyway, so they were really only arguing with themselves!

Ivan however chose to say my tweet was ‘stupid’. That is to say that the person who wrote it was stupid. It’s offensive. And I have a right to stand up for myself against offensive old men. He talks of the irony of me criticising others for being rude whilst defending the rudest man in British politics – but that’s ironic too… because he’s only ‘the rudest man in British politics’ in HIS OPINION. What these people on the left fail to grasp is that their views are only opinions, and are no better than the opinions of those on the right. They believe everything they think and say is a FACT. I do not believe that Boris is the rudest man in British politics, therefore standing up to the fact that Ivan was rude to ME holds no irony whatsoever.

 

Two people chipped in to this conversation, to defend their ‘comrade’:

 

This was one of them. He(??) didn’t like that I was defending myself and teaching a rude man about respect, and he couldn’t find anything particularly offensive that I had said, so he created an offence by picking out a set of words – ‘people like you’ – and being offended by it. Two things come to mind when I think of this… firstly, he’s trying to ‘put me in my place’ – bring me down to their level… to try and paint me as disrespectful also, despite the fact I was simply standing up for myself. Secondly though he showed that his side of the argument are a bunch of sissies. I had the same from that American Democrat a few months back… she was offended by the words ‘the likes of you’. Snowflake alert! Both ‘the likes of you’ and ‘people like you’ are concepts … I know the left struggle with concepts. It’s a term to denote a group of people… it says ‘you and others who share similar beliefs as you’. I’m always saying ‘people like me / the likes of me’ and I don’t get upset about it, because it’s not an insult. It’s a way of saying ‘not only me but people similar to me’. It’s not offensive and by claiming to find it offensive, with the intention of making me sound like a ‘meanie’, they have only shown themselves to be cry-babies. This is why the average person cannot take the far-left whiners seriously anymore. They are afraid of every word in the English language…. Oh God, I said ‘English’… how ‘racist’ of me…..

 

 

This was another. This is ‘Mouse’. I shall be coming on to ‘Mouse’ in great depth soon…..

 

Anyway, back to Ivan…. oh yes…. I told him I had opinions of him too, but decided I’d model respectful behaviour and not tell him what they were. What I actually think of him is he’s a nasty, vindictive, hypocritical prick. But I instead said we’d leave it there and wished him a good day. His response was to block me.

A bit later he unblocked me. I found this suspicious so blocked him. I was worried he was coming back for round two. That he wanted to abuse me further. And I was right. Luckily I blocked him just in time. He wanted to stick the knife in further….

 

He posted this on his timeline for his 13 thousand followers to see. Oh, and then he blocked me again, as I discovered upon unblocking him to report him. So what a fucking coward. But don’t worry, I can see everything these cowards say about me by logging out. Can’t get away with anything sunshine, and I did report him anyway. I now realise you can report people even when they’re blocked, which is good.

This ‘man’ was the final nail in the coffin for me and made me start closing down my account. I possibly will still close it. But I’m looking at all options first, for how to keep safe. I feel he put me in danger because the left are unhinged. They are also uninhibited. They see no issue with targeting people, harassing people, demonising them, hounding them, defaming them, and with the paranoia I already feel with my mental illness at the moment, I could do without feeling unsafe on Twitter.

A part of me wants to stay and stand up against bullies like him. I want to challenge what he has said…. I will start by doing that here…. He said ‘she thinks she can swear’ – where exactly did I swear at this man? Point it out to me. I did not swear at him. I would never swear at someone in a conversation with them. If he is referring to ‘FFS’ then get a fucking grip man! It’s abbreviated and an expression of exasperation! He clearly is 70 years old then, as indicated by the number in his handle, and he’s trying to write me off as a ‘disrespectful young person’ – well fuck him. I have more respect for old people than all of his lot put together. His lot wish old people would die so they get the result they want. I actually prefer older people.  I identify more with their way of thinking than the young people of today. But if an old person is disrespectful, offensive or rude to me, they do not deserve my respect. I did not swear at him. Okay after seeing everyone having a pop at me I wrote a separate tweet on my own feed, saying I should keep my fucking mouth shut then, and I did say ‘fucking dicks’ (please excuse my language here) – I was in an ‘episode’. I was feeling every emotion under the sun and felt silenced. I felt attacked by these evil lefties, and I hated them for being unable to keep their mouths shut when they disagree with something! It wasn’t an attack on him. And he’s painting it wrongly.

He also says about me saying people ‘have a screw loose’ – oh, shock horror, how dreadful of me to say – I could have said you’re a bunch of narcissistic ‘C’ words…. but oh my God I said they have ‘a screw loose’…. damn it…. they think all their screws are tightly fixed in place… bless them and their perfect self-image. But take a look at this:

 

 

He takes no issue in repeating it back at me…. saying that ‘if anyone has a screw loose it’s those people who think he should be allowed anywhere near the levers of power’. So he blasts me for saying that, but he also said it. Yes, off the back of what I said. But he still insisted that people on my side of the argument are the ones with the screw loose. He just doesn’t like the implication that people on his side of the debate are less than perfect.

He also said ‘you mustn’t dare call her tweets out for being “stupid”, even though some of them plainly are’…. twat face. He might think some of my tweets are plainly stupid. I think he himself is plainly stupid. But gosh, I wouldn’t be allowed to say that would I, as I’m not a raging lefty! So anything I say to the left is ‘offensive’. ‘FFS’…. hehe.

 

He called me a hypocrite. Now I’m going to demonstrate why HE is a hypocrite…… take a look at these tweets later on:

 

 

In the first one he talks about ‘smears’…. yet he happily smeared me to his followers. In both tweets you can see his own offensive manner, about ‘shoving things up your arse’, and calling TM thick. But most importantly in the second tweet he says that kicking Boris out of the Tory party would diffuse the row over islamophobia… ‘but it would also prevent him from mounting a leadership challenge against her’…… What a fucking hypocrite…. he attacked my tweet as ‘stupid’ when it was expressing exactly that sentiment. It may not have been worded that way, but it was saying that people are getting all up in arms about Boris, and Theresa May is in on it, to discredit Boris and stop him challenging her as leader. That’s what I was saying. And he said it himself. He attacked me as stupid for thinking the same stupid thing as him! What a fucking hypocritical moron. And with that, I’m done with him.

 

 

And then came ‘Mouse’. I don’t know what Mouse is, so will refer to them as ‘it’ or ‘them’. Too cowardly to be themselves, they hide behind a fake name and image. Having endured enough shit from people, I blocked them after they joined in my conversation with someone else… this is what they said….

 

 

It’s funny really how one person replying to one other person constitutes a ‘racist little echo chamber’… mate it’s called a fucking conversation, and you weren’t invited. This person, or rather this mouse, is your typical far-left Labour supporter – momentum, ‘anti-fascist’ type. And they are deranged. They see everything as racism. They will make a packet of crisps be about racism. They’re fucked in the head. Anyway, ‘it’ said that if it’s about an item of clothing then ‘what right do you have to tell someone what they can or cannot wear. Grow a brain’ … I think the one lacking anything resembling a brain is this little mouse. You see, at no point whatsoever have I said what people should or should not wear. Funnily enough neither did Boris! They’d know that if they’d fucking read the article. They’d know that he doesn’t support banning it. That women should be free to CHOOSE to wear it… as long as they are actually choosing of their own accord. I never mentioned that they shouldn’t wear it. I just said in response to people saying what Boris said is racist, that it wasn’t about the people – it was about the clothes, and if you can’t even make an observation or criticise clothes, then this world is fucked. Are we regressing? Are we heading to a place where we cannot use the English language anymore for fear of offending people? These ‘people’ do my head in. They need help.

So I have something to say to that second tweet that Mouse wrote…. it is directed at the Muslim community, because that is what was discussed. I think that Mouse has actually shown more racism in that tweet than I ever have – because what they are saying is that Muslim’s are of a certain race. That Jews and Christians are ‘white’, and that’s why they are not being criticised. This is utter bullshit. There are people of all races who follow the religions of Judaism and Christianity, the same with Islam. Mouse is stereotyping, and saying that white people are Christians and Jews, and ‘the brown people’ are Muslims. This is wrong, and in effect is a form of racism. It’s funny that they call me a racist with no evidence of that whatsoever. Yet they display their own views on race and religion and show they are less than pure in their views. Islam is not a race. It is a religion. Any religion should be allowed to be questioned. Mouse just wants to shut down discussion, and create villains out of people, so labels them ‘racist’. This feeds its ego. That’s all this is about.

 

Anyway I decided I didn’t have the spiritual energy to put up with all this nonsense, so I blocked it. Now, at the time I was not aware of the barrage of tweets I received from it. I only saw them later when I had invisible comments on replies to people, so I figured it was a blocked account, so logged out, searched for my posts and saw Mouse had tweeted loads of abuse. I believed at the time it was done after blocking them, but I now admit I was wrong. It all occurred before the block, in a 20 minute window or so. It was still a lot to take… being mistaken about the block doesn’t take away the distress I experienced just from what they were saying, regardless of when they said it. So I will start by sharing things that were said before the block, which Twitter didn’t make me aware of – despite all the numerous notifications I kept getting….

 

 

Just because you disagree with it, doesn’t make it ‘wrong’. Something you could all do with learning.

 

 

Actually I don’t have much to say about this one…. speaks for itself.

 

 

So Mouse went a step further than Ivan and called ME stupid. They clearly demonstrated exactly what their lot are like. When challenged on bad behaviour they don’t apologise or back down, they behave even worse. Pack behaviour. And the whole ‘if you don’t want to be accused of posting stupid stuff, then don’t be stupid’… missing the point entirely that it is only stupid in the opinion of weirdos like you. I got more likes for my tweets than I got negative comments. So there you go. Just your opinion and a fucking lousy one at that… but that’s just my opinion of course.

 

 

Okay, this makes no sense at all. How does this tweet mean that I am also a racist? I fail to see the link. All I said in my tweet is that those who replied to me have proven that they dislike Boris for reasons other than his comments on the burka. And that anything he does is wrong in their eyes…. because he’s a Conservative…. because he’s not afraid to be honest…. because the left hate the right. Saying that it’s not just about a burka, and that people have proven that, has no link at all to racism – this person is obsessed with racism and needs to be locked in a safe place, until they recover from this obsession… until they break the addiction to the word, and to the hatred behind their words.

They just became obsessed with my tweets and probably enraged that I didn’t bite, and talk to them on any of them. They hounded me until I blocked them (which in my own mind was after only two tweets, as Twitter didn’t alert me to the string of other ones at the time! But what I noticed afterwards, looking at this little mouse’s profile… they like picking argument after argument with people… and they like making people block them, and sharing screenshots of the block whilst mocking the person – I’m not the first, and I won’t be the last. It’s just an ego wank. Sad, pathetic, lonely little narcissist with nothing better to do with their time than harass people and use them as a means to bolster their own image as the stronger/better person. Dude, you commented on tweets at least eight times, and I didn’t respond to any of them… because you’re not worth the time to talk to. I could see you for what you were straight away – you’re an unreasonable person and it would be a waste of time saying anything to you, as you already cast me in the ‘racist’ role probably long before I posted my tweets…. you woke up in the morning and thought, ‘I wonder who will be my ‘racist of the day’ today’. And I was the lucky person you selected. It takes more strength to stay quiet when someone is trying to provoke you, than to bite back and give them more ammunition. Some bullies are best to be ignored, and eventually they’ll get bored and walk away. Not all, but ones like this aren’t worth lowering yourself for.

 

 

This one didn’t bother me, as it’s a fair question. But my fair answer would be that actually there are people on both sides of the argument – including Muslims. As much as some say it IS islamophobia there ARE others who say it is not. So would you ignore them?? I know that your side of the debate don’t listen to reason…. you’d fly off the handle at this suggestion, but it’s a fact. Not everyone thinks the same as you. And that’s okay. I get it. You think you’re fighting the good fight…. but there are some who would be grateful Boris said what he did, and wish he’d go further and suggest the banning of the burka. I don’t care if that happens or not. I’m just being objective about the situation. It’s not one-sided. There are women in other countries taking them off in protest, not wanting to wear it – they do not want you defending it… they would want people to help them in their bid to be free of it. Don’t say it’s a lie, just because you know some are offended. I’m simply stating the truth that people feel differently about it, and that is okay.

 

 

What a troll. This demented little turd obviously has so much rage inside that anything I tweeted enraged them, making them tell me to delete my account. When I read ‘delete your account’, in my head my response to it was ‘delete your life’. What gives this jumped up little piece of shit the right to tell me what to do? This is what they want. They want to silence an opposing voice. They want to shut me down. They want to shut us all down, one by one, until the only voice that remains is theirs, and then they can live out their little dictatorship fantasy…. their cult fantasy, where we all think the same. No chance mate. You may bully us into silence, bully us off of Twitter, but you will NEVER be the majority voice. But you enjoy your sad little lefty echo chamber once you’ve bullied all the decent people off social media.

 

 

 

And then I blocked them. And they did this. They told their followers that I’m a racist, with my photo next to it, making me feel like a target in the outside world as well as online. Cheers bastard. I’m still waiting for you to take it down. I reported both you and Ivan, and Ivan was found to be guilty of abusive behaviour and removed all his tweets about me, at least earning some respect from me, and you have been found guilty of hateful conduct. So I’d remove this post if I were you, as it’s the one that puts you at risk of further action from me if you don’t. You are defaming me.

You say ‘Some advice Lily, if you’re being called racist, perhaps it’s because you are’ – this is seriously bent logic. YOU were the one who radically decided I was a racist, despite me posting no racist material at all. If I was being called a racist by lots of different people then your comment, whilst still not true, would at least make a little sense. But you call me a racist, and then say if I’m being called it then perhaps it’s because I am one… that’s like saying ‘my opinion of you is fact’. You’re delusional and seriously sick – seek help. Let’s follow that logic…. I could equally say to someone like yourself that you’re a paedophile… with no evidence that you are…. you would question that, and my answer would be ‘Some advice, if you’re being called a paedophile, perhaps it’s because you are one’….. do you see the issue with this? Just because I’d think it so, does not make it true. So surely you must accept that just because you labelled me as racist, it does not mean I am. If we can all go around deciding who is what, and the logic is that you are that, ‘because I say so’, then what an ugly world we’d live in. You’re contributing to that ugliness.

But if I had applied the ‘paedophile’ logic to you, you would sue me for defamation, particularly if I had put a picture of your real face next to my accusation. This is no less damaging. So remove it, or have it removed and face action. Your choice.

 

Mouse is a wannabe… they follow all things Labour, socialist, ‘anti-fascist’ and Momentum. This thing needs no more summing up than that. That tells us all we need to know. That’s why they don’t bother me that much… I’m happy to let them continue down their sad little path of destruction, but leave my face out of it, you nasty piece of work. These sorts of people cannot be helped. They’re lost souls.

 

Moral of the story is I know who I am. I know what I am and what I am not. I know that these people have a sickness that makes them see ‘racism’ where it doesn’t exist. Calling people ‘racist’ seems to be a cathartic experience for them. It makes them feel better about themselves. I think being deemed a racist by one of THEM is a sign I’m doing okay in life. As much as it’s caused me distress and I don’t want it to happen, I have to remember that I am on the right side of history.

 

Many people like me have been branded as racists, and blocked by far-left people. It means nothing. After the abuse I got, and the viciousness of people disagreeing with my opinion, and returning to my ‘echo chamber’ of like-minded people (just like the left do), I felt at home. I felt safe and centred. I felt sane. If I have to be wrongly given the racist title, a fascist title or whatever else they concoct to try to appear to be better people, then so be it. I would rather be called a racist and yet be among a group of good people, polite, peaceful, tolerant, quiet, respectful people, than to mingle with those on the opposite side, who are everything bad about the world – they are intolerant, violent, rude, nasty, narcissistic, sociopathic bullies who have no respect for other people, for their opinions and for freedom of speech. They also have no respect for the truth. They make up reality. No wonder they’re in such turmoil all the time, and have to lash out at people, because they are suffering with delusions, and not seeing things as they truly are. I have to pity them. I know I’m on the right side, talking to people on the right (not FAR-right as indicated by people like Owen Jones – to whom everybody who isn’t far-left like him, is far-right) – we seem more rooted in reality, more peaceful, open-minded and tolerant of different views. I see nothing wrong with not being on the left. There is nothing wrong with being on the right. The only people who paint a picture of the right being dangerous, violent racist thugs, are those on the far-left who are dangerous violent fascist thugs. So if you’re moderate right-wing be proud. Don’t let the bullies silence you. Know who you are and what you believe in, and maintain the high-ground. When compared to those like Mouse and the far-left, we are the better people. That is why they have to fling insults and accusations at us, and smear us…. because they know we’re better people. Bullies always pick on the good ones, and those they deem to be ‘weak’. But we are not weak. We are the strongest fuckers on the planet. We’ve had to put up with their shit for the last three years at least. And we’ve generally maintained our dignity through it all. Silent persistence and ignoring their histrionics is the way forward.

The Lonely Night.

I feel painfully alone tonight. It’s a combination of things – politics is really getting me down at the moment. This Brexit deal – it’s divided people even more… even people I was united with in my views, this latest twist has made me feel completely out on my own with my views… in terms of ‘friends’ anyway. I feel so lost and confused about it all. I’m not happy with how it’s going, and I hear from some people it’s a disaster, a betrayal and then from others that it’s good. The trouble is my trust in the party I’ve supported all my life, is shaken. It’s hard to believe anything they say anymore. I’m really upset by the rhetoric in the media and in Parliament. They talk about it all as though we’re not PEOPLE who voted to leave… as though we’re mindless drones who were led up the garden path by Russian-backed propaganda. I’m sorry but that is fucking offensive. They say the division on this plan means we should have another referendum. They say the apparent ‘cheating’ by the Leave campaign means we should have another referendum. They say the stalemate in Parliament means we should have another referendum. NO!! Just stop disrespecting me. I’m sick of it. I’m so sick of it I’m actually crying as I write this. Stop ignoring my voice. I’ve been ignored all my fucking life. I’ve never got anything I wanted. And for once in my whole fucking life something went my way – we won the referendum, and now the people who always have it all, want to fucking rip it away from me. Well fuck you all.

 

This is what I mean – before the referendum we were bullied. It still happens now. People think we should just be ignored. It makes me feel violent rage and it scares me. I’m so fuming that this country is trying to ram it down my throat every single day that I am WORTHLESS. That my voice, my vote means nothing. That I’m wrong… a bad person… a xenophobic, stupid, uneducated, gullible, racist bigot. That I didn’t know what I was voting for. That I was brainwashed. That I was influenced by the Russians. That I believed the ‘lie’ on the side of a bus. That I’m a ‘self-harmer’ (well duh, but don’t bring mental health into politics). That I’m taking everyone with me off the edge of a cliff. Sorry, I’ll just throw myself off it, alone. An actual cliff though, not a mythical one.

 

Politics is mirroring my life. Bullying. Disrespect. Being ignored. People projecting onto me. The feeling of isolation and invisibility is sickening. I have a few people on Twitter who I can talk to about these things because they feel exactly as I do. But most of my friends don’t feel as I do about things. In fact they probably secretly despise me for being one of those ‘xenophobic, stupid Brexiters’. I feel like I’m the only one fighting the good fight, with everyone against me, thinking they’re fighting the good fight. It’s lonely being on this side… on the side of the silent majority… it makes you feel like you’re alone when you hear people on the other side make such noise between them, at your expense – trying to alienate you from the rest of the ‘decent, tolerant ones’. It’s emotional abuse. Trying to keep a barrier up to such abuse and not let it get to me, it’s so draining. I don’t think people realise that us voters have emotions and mental illnesses in some cases… they claim to be the kind ones, but when they’re pushing people towards suicide I don’t think they can rightly claim that kindness.

 

I’ve gone into one of my episodes of feeling disconnected from everyone. I obsess about people not interacting with me online. I’ll see so many things I share go unnoticed… which is no big deal – I don’t expect people to respond to everything. But I start thinking nobody’s acknowledged me for such a long time… then I’ll scroll through and see the last time someone ‘liked’ something was two or three days ago, and I feel stupid for thinking it was longer, and feel like such an attention-seeker. But then I’ll check to see how long it’s been since someone even commented on something I posted – 10 days… and I’ll start thinking that my friends aren’t bothered about talking to me. Is it something I’ve said or done? Then I’ll check my messages – there aren’t any. There’s one, that I haven’t replied to yet, and until I do, my inbox will be empty for all eternity.

 

Then I feel I’m alone with my mental illness. The most isolating, misunderstood, painful illness.

 

Then the physical loneliness of actually being away from people at the moment.

 

And then the thoughts of my granddad come in.

 

I tried a few things to stop myself from resorting to the usual… I immediately picked up my knitting and went and sat with the gerbils. I had a shower. I made myself an ice cream in a cone and started watching a film… couldn’t focus on it, so started writing this… was getting upset so messaged someone…. but I feel so ill now I just want to finish writing this and go to sleep.

 

The fact I’m alone is glaringly obvious tonight. The silence is gut-wrenching. The scream in my chest is overpowering. The hopelessness is drowning me. But all I can do is pray for a better day tomorrow.

Stigma: All’s Fair In Love & War… And Politics Apparently.

 

 

*Bad language & self-harm*

 

 

To the woman (I assume) who attacked my personality the other night…

 

This was going to be a post about people like yourself, who have a habit of diagnosing those you don’t agree with, with mental illnesses. I had collected evidence from the last few months of just that, where people said President Trump has Borderline Personality Disorder. I wanted to tackle the stigma that people like you are spreading with your uneducated opinions. But after the way you spoke to me the other night, I’m addressing you as an individual.

 

I never challenge things online. For reasons such as you. It took a lot for me to pluck up the courage to speak up. But I couldn’t see such lies about BPD being spread. You were saying that BPD is a ‘personality defect’ and ‘not curable’. You are wrong on both counts. I felt I had a duty to say something. I naively thought you looked like a decent person, and might be welcoming of new ideas. I thought you might be a reasonable person…. boy was I wrong! I’ve encountered some nasty people in my life – it’s why I am the way I am…. but you are by far the worst of all the people I’ve had the displeasure of conversing with.

 

 

Your responses to me were full of sarcasm, attitude, anger and false accusations. You are a spiteful bully and a narcissist. You talked to me of ‘projection’ – projecting your own projection onto me … which is ironic, as that’s a part of being a narcissist – the same thing you actually mean when you talk about Trump. The thing you’re confusing with BPD. I was trying to educate you on the difference. It’s not my fault you’re a closed-minded bigot. You actually were trying to ‘gas-light’ me as well, by saying ‘you WERE absolutely asking me to have compassion for Trump supporters’ – that’s another narcissistic tactic, to try and create doubt in my mind about what I said and what I meant… to change the narrative to make yourself look better…. it’s either gas-lighting or you’re just dumb and didn’t read what I said at all. Maybe your understanding of the English language is below par.

 

I most certainly was NOT asking you to have compassion for Trump supporters, I was saying people should have more compassion for those with a mental illness, and since Trump supporters do not have this mental illness of BPD, I was NOT asking you to feel compassionate towards THEM. I was asking you to have more respect for those with the mental illness. They don’t have it. Trump doesn’t have it. You just hate him. I could easily claim that YOU and your lot have a mental illness…. I’d probably be closer to the truth with that too, as you seem totally deranged in your fanatical hatred of Republicans. But the truth is your lot also don’t have a mental illness…. you just have different opinions to Republicans… and those of you who seem crazy and show all your bad qualities are not mentally ill, you are just unpleasant people!!! You see? People have different opinions. Just because they don’t fit with yours, and you can’t accept that Trump is the President, it doesn’t mean that he and those who put him in power, have a mental illness… but I would seriously consider whether you have one….

 

 

The way you went on the attack, and were so unreasonable causes me concern. It’s not normal to behave that way. Yes I was challenging something you said, but I did so respectfully, with goodwill. I was not rude to you, I didn’t swear, I wasn’t provocative, so I don’t know what your problem is. I think you are so livid with the result of your election, and hate Republicans and Trump that much that you swipe at anyone who isn’t as livid about it as you. You’d probably take a swipe at a Democrat who has even one ounce of reason or acceptance of things. You need something to control your rage. You are behaving worse than you are accusing others of being! You try and give off this sense that Democrats (just like Remain voters) are better people than those who won the vote…. but you show from the way you speak of them, and your violent, aggressive, hateful and divisive nature that you are in fact MUCH worse as people.

 

 

I wasn’t trying to ‘shame’ you by saying ‘the likes of you’ – that’s a wild interpretation of a set of words…. those words simply meant ‘people like yourself’ i.e. you and others who feel the same as you…. but Twitter has a character limit, so ‘the likes of you’ fitted in better! Deary me if you’re offended by that… ! It was actually a way of not singling you out – not being so confrontational as saying ‘something that YOU are fortunate to not understand’ – for fuck’s sake, if my trying to not be confrontational made you angry then you need help! I honestly don’t see the offence in my words. However calling me an ‘arrogant know-it-all’ IS bloody offensive and I reported you for it and all your subsequent tweets.

 

 

You also said that you’ll rush out and get a psych degree so you don’t insult ‘people who have no compassion or interest in other humans’….. First of all it doesn’t take having a psych degree to know how to be kind to people. I don’t have one, and I manage just fine. Most people I know don’t have such a degree yet know how to be a decent person. It’s not hard… though you obviously think otherwise!  Second of all you talk about these people who have no compassion or interest in other humans, yet you prove that you have no interest in how other people feel, no interest in changing your behaviour and wording so as not to hurt other people, and you have no compassion for mentally ill human beings…. I think this sentence tells everyone all they need to know about you.

 

You said to ‘whine at someone who cares’… you made it perfectly clear you are not a caring sort of person. You made yourself sound like a teenager having a strop. I’m shocked to discover you’re actually in your late sixties! Your behaviour does not reflect this in the slightest. I’d have thought you would know better how to be respectful of others. Clearly not. You said I was just ‘pretending to be on the high road’, simply because you recognised I was on the high road, and you wanted to drag me down from it.

 

You are a little bit delusional and dramatic if you think your country is crumbling around you… your own little world where you get your own way may be crumbling around you, but I don’t think things are all that bad. They’d be a damn slight better if you started accepting things the way they are. You’d find more peace. But you clearly enjoy conflict above all else. The ‘assholes causing it’ are probably those unwilling to accept the result two years on, as it is here. I respect you don’t like Trump, you don’t agree with the result, but calling his supporters ‘assholes’ won’t change anything. It won’t get you anywhere, and will only breed anger and division. You should calm down.

 

 

You say I jumped into what was an obvious political discussion – yes, I did, because you were incorporating MENTAL ILLNESS in that political discussion, and my whole point was that was uncalled for. If it was solely political that’s different – when you bring mental illness into a political discussion it suddenly changes from a political discussion, to a political and mental health discussion. You don’t dictate what is allowed to be discussed henceforth. It’s indecent of you to label someone as ‘borderline’ simply because you don’t like them. Only I was saying it in a nicer way. But I’ll be straight now, and say – it’s a bitchy thing to do, and makes you a very nasty and uneducated person. You are adding to stigma and should be ashamed of yourself. There. Said it. I’ll speak your language, rather than trying to be polite about things… being polite and thinking through my responses still ended up with me being spat at anyway. At one point in our discussion I actually typed in the words ‘To use language you understand – fuck you!’… but deleted it, because I’m not that person. But actually after what you were like, and what it did to me… yeah… fuck you.

 

I wasn’t ‘lecturing you’, I was hoping it might guide you, inform you, enlighten you, and I was making sure people newly diagnosed with BPD know there is hope and that it doesn’t mean their personality is flawed. But you’re a closed-minded moron, so nothing will get through your thick skull. As for ‘think what you like’ – I realised I was talking to the thickest of walls, so your opinion is your opinion, feel free to think it…. but it doesn’t mean you’re right. Still makes you a bitch. Still makes you nasty and a bit of a sociopath to be honest, but keep doing it, whatever works for you….. Again, character limit.

 

But do you know what I noticed? I noticed that you picked apart every innocent word I said, and turned it into either an ‘insult’ or me being ‘above you’ i.e. ‘arrogant’. You read into words that mean nothing. You are either highly paranoid and need help with it. Or you recognised that actually I was right, and you felt bad, so had to attack me to feel better about yourself…. but since I was not offensive to you, you had to try and find some fault in the wording I used, to make it look like an attack on YOU – that is fucked up mate.

 

 

I’ll tell you how you were being offensive – calling me an arrogant know-it-all. You called me arrogant twice. You don’t fucking know me mate. Anyone who knows me would tell you how polar opposite I am to that. You’re the arrogant one. There’s some projection going on with you I think ‘deary’. Patronising bitch. Fuck you. You only WISH you were on a high horse. You were on the ground, and losing ground, so you were wildly, viciously clawing at me, to make sure I was no better than you. You were trying to get a rise out of me. I managed to stay calm through most of it. My heart was all over the place. But I waited for it to calm down before responding. I wish I hadn’t given you as much as I did, because you will use that as ‘evidence about people with BPD being a certain way’. You’re wrong. Anyone would have reacted how I did when provoked. Of course your side of the story would be that I provoked YOU. That I baited you and then played the victim. But if you can’t take a little questioning of your spreading of misinformation on something quite important actually, and your ego is too big to be ‘challenged’, then I’m glad I did it. Because people like you need taking down a peg or two. You think too much of yourself. You think you’re right, and anything else is wrong. That much is evident from things you said to me, but also on your timeline. I simply made a comment in defence of those with BPD – that was not baiting you. It may be what you read into it, but it didn’t require a response, especially in the manner you responded. And you continued it even after I explained and tried to defuse your aggression.

 

The fact is you knew I had BPD, and yet continued to lash out at me and hurt me. This either shows the FACT that you don’t know anything about BPD, and that therefore you should not cause such hurt to someone… though given your opinions about Republicans I’m wondering why you would think anything other than ‘I shouldn’t cause hurt to anyone whoever they are’ – as you think you’re so noble and morally superior….. Or it shows that you’re a psychopath and a narcissist and you take joy in making people like me cut themselves. Because that’s what I did. Repeatedly. Violently.

 

You were fucking offensive and aggressive, and you tried to excuse that by insisting that I don’t know you and called you ‘the likes of you’…. in what world is that even offensive? If you want offensive then read this bloody letter. I’d agree it’s offensive. I’d also say it’s true though from what I’ve witnessed with you and how you made me feel. I’m rightly angry about your bullying nature – this is the reaction to that. Your response was totally uncalled for, and out of proportion with what I was even saying. That’s because you’re so caught up in your hate-filled bubble about Trump, that you perceive everything as an ‘attack’…. you see everyone as ‘the enemy’ unless they agree with you 100%. What I said was not in the slightest bit offensive. And you people wonder why you get called ‘snowflakes’! Seriously. I don’t call people that, but being offended by a general term of ‘the likes of you’ – meaning ‘you and others similar to yourself’ is very snowflake-ish. How anything can be inferred about your character from those words I don’t know. But calling me arrogant is an offence against my character. There’s no mistaking what you meant by your words. So that’s how you were offensive. I notice you deleted that tweet soon after… did it reflect badly on you?

 

 

I don’t think I’ve ever had a conversation with anyone so vile as you. There was one who I used to know who was offensive and resorted to personal insults, when they couldn’t bring me down any other way. But actually even she pales into insignificance next to you. You do your side of the political debate no favours. I don’t actually give a fuck about American politics. I don’t give a fuck whether I SHOULD give a fuck about American politics. I believe in democracy, acceptance and just bloody well getting on with it. But you have shown Democrats to be vile, deranged bullies. I’m quite upset that I also at the moment think badly of Americans. I know I will get over that, because there are lots of lovely American people, but you do them no favours by behaving in the way that you have.

 

 

I’ve seen too much evidence of Americans attacking Trump and sometimes his supporters, saying they all have BPD. This is unacceptable. Nobody can diagnose someone from their armchair. Even medical professionals who say they think he’s got it, cannot and should not do that. You cannot diagnose someone unless you are qualified to do so, and have met them in person and evaluated their mental health. You cannot decide who has what mental illness. If you want to call him a narcissist that’s different, because you’re not referring to the illness of NPD, you’re just talking about his nature, if that’s how you perceive it. People can be narcissistic without having the personality disorder. But I don’t get why you can’t just state the fact you hate the guy, hate everything he says, everything he does, everything he stands for, and will never accept him as President, full-stop. Why bring mental illness into it?

 

Does it make you feel powerful or something? That would be my guess from reading such posts. It gives off an air of ‘I’m better than you – I’m more sane than you…. you’re a crazy person…. you have a mental illness…. your “crazy” is showing’. It seems like you’re all doing it to make you feel better about yourselves. Can you not see what is wrong with that mentality? To put people with mental illness down, to make you feel better…. to use a mental illness as a way of insulting someone you don’t like….. to imply that someone is incapable of doing a job because of a supposed mental illness…. you are stigmatising and discriminating against those with mental health problems. And when you attack one, you attack all. Even though in your mind you’re possibly thinking ‘Depression and anxiety are “good” mental illnesses…. BPD is one of the “bad” ones’. You are still discriminating against those with mental illness. Would you do the same with those physically disabled? Would you use their personal circumstances to make you feel better?

 

 

——–

I would hope that most of those throwing ‘BPD’ at Trump would in reality have compassion for those with such a mental illness. I’d like to believe that people still have their humanity. That if faced with a loved one with such an illness, they would be caring, compassionate and understanding, and defend their loved ones against harmful words like this. Either I’m wrong, and they honestly think those with BPD or mental illnesses are the scum of the Earth, in which case may they live long enough to experience such a mental illness themselves and face such stigma. OR I’m right and they do care about people with mental illness, and are just being foolish in posting such shit online. Maybe they don’t comprehend the damage they’re doing….

 

Trump is a controversial character. People love him or hate him. The hate is toxic. WRONGLY diagnosing him with BPD, and listing incorrect symptoms of BPD to back-up that false diagnosis, will cause trouble for those of us with BPD. When people hear about our BPD they will think of Trump, if these opinions are allowed to circulate unchallenged. Trump does not have BPD… not the recognisable diagnosable version of it. I realise I am equally unqualified to say he doesn’t have it, as I’m not his therapist – but the point is he would have to be assessed by a professional to be given a diagnosis, and I feel I know a fair bit about my own illness, to know what the symptoms are, and what they are not. People say he meets all the criteria. This cannot be assumed. How does anyone know how he feels about himself? About abandonment? Does he self-harm? Is he suicidal? Does he feel empty? How would anyone but a personal psychiatrist / therapist know any of that?

 

People seem to be basing this apparent ‘diagnosis’ on possible anger outbursts – which EVERYONE is capable of… doesn’t mean they all have a personality disorder; on ‘impulsive’ decisions he’s made; on ‘narcissism’ which they believe is a symptom of BPD; apparently ‘pathological lying’ which they claim is a symptom of BPD too – news to me! They talk about his BPD and how he’s self-absorbed, thinks he’s always right. They claim projection and triangulation (playing people off against each other), and gas-lighting are symptoms of BPD… these are all symptoms of NPD, and the two should not be confused! I feel convinced that knowledge of the different personality disorders varies in America from in the UK. I’ve often witnessed people lumping all ‘Cluster B’ personality disorders in together, as though they’re all the same. They’re not. There may be a little overlap between the disorders, but they are different. People have claimed that those with BPD lack empathy, therefore Trump has BPD. What bullshit is this?! Anyone who’s reading this and has BPD knows what a lie this is – we have an abundance of empathy… so much that it actually hurts when others are hurting… we are able to read the emotions of others. We wouldn’t hurt or reject other people because we know too well how it feels, to be hurt and rejected by others.

 

 

 

Everything they say about BPD is wrong. Some even refer to it as a ‘narcissistic borderline personality disorder‘ – there’s no such thing… it’s one or the other. I shouldn’t be too bothered, as they’re only showing their ignorance… but it’s sad that so many speak of something they know nothing about, and those words they speak are damaging and dangerous for people who already suffer a great deal. These people all paint a picture of people with BPD being ‘monsters’. If they only knew the reality they’d feel ashamed of vilifying us. People with BPD are some of the loveliest, kindest, most caring, loyal, funny, creative, generous, loving, understanding people – a damn slight nicer than those who insult them! Whilst people are painting the image of us as people who abuse others, we are in fact more likely to be the VICTIMS of abuse ourselves.

 

This woman who attacked me said that BPD is a ‘sad personality defect’. She is so wrong. Ignorance and the unwillingness to learn from your mistakes, and attack people instead is a ‘sad personality defect’. A stubbornness and arrogance. That’s what I would refer to as a ‘defect’. BPD is not a flawed personality, as we all know. We know about the movement to change the name, as it doesn’t reflect the meaning. It’s not about our personality at all. It is about our emotions, our difficulty regulating them, and how we relate to the world. It’s about how we cope with our emotions. People labelling Trump and followers with it are implying it’s who we are, there’s no cure, we don’t even accept there’s a problem (NPD), and that negative character traits = personality disorder. It doesn’t. Everyone has less than desirable traits – it doesn’t mean they all have a personality disorder. People like this woman for instance… she demonstrated many undesirable qualities in just a few short tweets…. do I therefore diagnose her with a personality disorder? Whilst the temptation may be ‘yes!’ because I’m angry with her, and appalled at her behaviour, there is no reason for me to diagnose her with any mental illness, including a personality disorder. She’s just an arsehole.

 

People can hate Trump. I have no issue with that. I don’t think people should be so offensive towards those who support him and voted for him…. I think these people need to become familiar with ‘live and let live‘… accept a difference of opinion and move on. But let’s just say for a moment that I don’t even care if people hate Trump voters too….. People can say what they like about Trump, the situation, the voters…. they can say they hate him, he’s a prick, his supporters are idiots, they detest their country now, their lives are ruined forever… whatever…. but mental illness? Come on! They’re ‘free’ to say what they like about that too, as we have freedom of speech still, for now, but I want those people to realise it makes them look like not very decent people. A lot of people in the world are trying to be more open about their mental health struggles, and battle the stigma, and such ignorance and hatred – trying to get people to hate those they deem to have a mental illness, is just so backward-thinking. So they can’t use mental illness as an insult, and then claim they have the moral high-ground politically.

 

 

 

My question to those people would be – Would you speak about BPD in this manner if you weren’t associating it with Trump? Forget Trump is President… rewind a few years…. would you spread such vile opinions about a mental illness like BPD? Or are you just doing it to have a go at Trump and make yourselves feel better because you lost? If you would still do it then shame on you…. there’s no hope for you ever changing probably… though it would be nice if you could properly educate yourself about mental illness (note: this does not require going to university and getting a ‘psych degree’ – read a book…. read blogs…. listen to people who have BPD!). If you’re only doing it because it’s Trump then think. Be better than this. Don’t let your hatred of Trump and Republicans turn you into ill-informed, ignorant, insensitive arseholes.

 

I know nobody likes to admit they’re wrong about something. A part of me would be concerned that I honestly upset and embarrassed this woman the other day, and that she was just refusing to admit a mistake. But to be frank I think she’s just a bitter, angry woman, who loves hurting people and putting them down to make herself feel more powerful. I’ve met one or two of them in my life.

 

I hate people trying to paint me as some sort of villain when I’m trying to do something good in the world. I’m not a nasty person (I know you might think so from this post, but this is the releasing of emotions stirred up by a bully)… I don’t like confrontation. I hate conflict. I think the scars on my arms would tell you as much. I’m a peaceful person. I’m quiet and reserved by nature. And my only aim in what I said was to help people who have BPD… to defend them against such vicious lies. To stand up for what’s right. To stand up for those of us with this illness, who feel we have no voice a lot of the time. To try and educate people to stop the stigma. This woman has a fixed idea in her head what BPD is all about. She has demonised us and will never change her stance. Upon hearing that I am one of those with this illness, she obviously decided what sort of person I was and treated me in relation to her beliefs about people like us. This is her problem not mine. She got me all wrong. She misunderstood me as a person… she misunderstood my intentions, my illness, my words. She invented insults out of what I said. She interpreted what I said and tried to tell me what I said / meant, when only I know what was meant… she thought she knew my mind better than I do. She doesn’t know anything but her own mind. I think she lives in her little bubble of hatred… she’s blind to all else. The trouble is though, once someone like this makes up their mind about you, there’s no persuading them otherwise. She’d decided I was a villain, just like Trump and his supporters – I didn’t even have to be a Trump supporter myself to incur her wrath. Once I’d been put in that category there was no coming out of it. I could’ve been the sweetest person on Earth to her, and she would insist I was doing it to wind her up, and to pretend I was better than her.

 

This is what’s known as a ‘superiority complex’. It’s something that’s fascinated me in our politics too, where Labour voters perceive Conservatives to be ‘above them’… ‘looking down on them’…. ‘posh, rich snobs with no idea of real problems’. These attitudes are in themselves ‘snobbish’. Labour voters sneer at Conservatives and call them ‘Tory scum’, to put them down and make themselves feel superior. They claim to be morally superior to hide the fact they  FEEL inferior. The important thing to note is that they’re not actually inferior. And Conservatives DON’T think they’re better than them. This is why it’s called ‘a complex’. They feel inferior, so try to appear superior. Conservatives don’t look down their noses on Labour voters… certainly not for the reasons they think. More recently I’m sure a great many do, but simply because of the behaviour of Labour voters – the same sort of behaviour I witnessed from this woman. When people act like that, you do start to feel like you’re ‘better than them’, and ‘above such behaviour’. You do start to feel morally superior…. and in that way what people with a superiority complex do, is cause the very behaviour they’re afraid of… It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

As someone with BPD I take on the negative things people think and say about me, as though they’re true. This comes from not feeling certain of who I am – I often split on myself, and go from thinking I’m a good person, to thinking I’m a terrible person. And words like ‘arrogant know-it-all’ scar me. They go into my negativity memory bank, for a rainy day when I’m hating myself. They will replay now forever. In a rational, more positive mind though, I know how wrong she is about that. I know I have the qualities of my granddad, and he was gentle, reserved, quiet and a good person who worried and cared about other people.

 

That was all I was doing by my tweet… worrying how those with BPD would feel. Standing up for them. Challenging stigma. If that makes me ‘arrogant’ in someone’s view, then so be it. I think it’s better to defend and explain a mental illness than to demonise it. I just chose the wrong sort of person to do that with. She wants to remain ignorant. I will continue to fight stigma where I can, but I will stay far away from anti-Trump fanatics from now on. They’re not reasonable people. And I’m not strong enough to cope with them.

 

Said by the husband of who that woman would
have supported in the elections. How ironic.

 

 

 

Silence My Voice.

*Self-harm & bad language*

 

4th June 2018

 

It’s official. This is my only space where I have freedom of speech. If it upsets people fine, don’t read. But I’m tired of being picked on. I’ve just been on my self-harm support forum, and got a message from a moderator telling me they’ve deleted some of my posts, for ‘excessive political discussion’ – this was a targeted, politically motivated attack on me. I didn’t ‘discuss’ politics – it was in a rant thread which gets no replies. It was not aimed at anyone on the forum. It was letting out my emotions while I watched a TV programme – I chose there, as I get attacked anywhere else. I thought it was safe. I was very brief and succinct… it was aimed at people on the panel. What is this world coming to, that I’m not even allowed to criticise a politician that others obviously like…? This is what I received, and I’m going to explain why it’s wrong….

 

 

---

 

 

 

Dear ********

We have removed the following sections of your recent ranting posts, as we felt that they tipped into excessive political discussion, which is only really suitable within a new/debate thread, and even then would be considered ‘flaming’ of people whose opinion differs from yours,

Quote:

Utter bullshit Umuna. Tosser. Like your tosser party. Bunch of twats the lot of them.

Quote:

Oh here’s another dick, repeating the same line – ‘it wasn’t on the ballot paper’ – do they not fucking watch the programme…. they keep repeating the same bullshit, like lemmings. You all sound like utter idiots when you say those words.

Quote:

Aw fucking lefty twats on the panel and the audience. Why the hell did I watch this. Disrespectful pillocks.

Please be mindful that this is not a politically based forum or a place where it is appropriate to be insulting towards people of a particular political affiliation (in this instance, pro-remain voters) and try to be more respectful of people whose view differ from yours.

*****
On behalf of the Forum Moderators

 

 

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A moderators decision is final, and must not be questioned on the forum. It can be discussed privately with them, but given that confrontation triggers me, that’s not a possibility for me. This sent me into one of my episodes last night. Rage, self-loathing, hatred of the human race, suicidal feelings, self-harm.

 

I am going to talk about it here, because this is my space and nobody has the right to shut down my voice on here – it’s the one place I will not let them touch. I’ve been shut down everywhere else, and as the rules state I can’t discuss it on the forum, I’ll take it outside the forum instead, if that’s the way they want it.

 

This theory that it’s ‘flaming’ people with a different opinion to me… I feel like testing that theory on the forum, and posting my opinions on other topics…. I could equally say that meat eaters are murderers (I don’t think this by the way – I just wonder if I’d be discriminated against for being a vegetarian). I could talk about my thoughts on abortion (not that I would, as it doesn’t affect my emotions that much that I need to let it out!!), and would they accuse me of ‘flaming’ those who don’t agree with me? I could say that watching porn is disgusting and perverted, and I’d be accused of ‘flaming’ those who like watching it! Or would I…….? Is it just because they’re discriminating against me based on my political stance?

 

My point is that it seems they’re policing my thoughts and feelings. My comments were aimed at a politician, the people in the audience and on the panel. If I had said that all Labour voters are dicks… or that you’re an idiot if you voted Remain, then fair enough – that would be out of order, and even I can see that! But I was commenting on the people they keep having on that programme. If people want to take what I say about a TV programme and make it about themselves then fine, but that’s a bit egotistical to be frank. These people are being offensive every single day in what they say in the media and online… they’re being disrespectful of those who won a democratic vote, and their attempts to overturn the results offend me – but fuck my feelings, they don’t matter do they? Only the precious little whiners’ feelings matter…. I’m not allowed to say how pissed off I am about their relentless bullshit, as I suddenly become ‘offensive’, well screw you all. That’s like someone being bullied for years, and the moment they stand up to the bully they’re accused of being nasty. It’s not on, and I will not stand for it… not after the many years of bullying I’ve endured in my life. Shutting down my right to express my views and my emotions is having a hand in my death.

 

The forum is a mental health support forum, not a political one, this is true. But am I only allowed to say the words – ‘mental illness’, ‘mental health’, ‘self-harm’, ‘depression’, ‘anxiety’, ‘suicidal’, ‘cut myself’, ‘I want to die’…..? Am I being policed that much that I can’t even mention other words in passing…..? That I can’t express the reasons I feel upset, angry and potentially like ducking out of this life??? Okay, from now on I’ll spam the forum with ‘I want to kill myself!’…. ‘I want to cut myself’….. ‘I’m depressed’. If we’re only allowed to mention mental health on the forum!

 

I was bloody careful about masking what I meant. I didn’t mention ‘Labour’ I said Umuna and his party (i.e. the politicians – not the voters!!!!), and I said about ‘the ballot paper’ – so I didn’t mention the EU or referendum – so that it wouldn’t offend people and they couldn’t have a go at me for it!!! Okay I said ‘lefty’ but if you’re offended by the word lefty, then should I get you a new dummy?? It was brief and masked, and anybody who would bother to go into the thread of someone who is an utter outsider on that site, doesn’t know anyone, and they are then offended by that, should really get a fucking life.

 

What this was, was the moderator in question, IS a ‘lefty’….. IS a ‘Remainer’…. and has a personal grudge against me for having a view different to her. It’s clear. I once had a discussion with her about politics – she’s the opposite to me, and was very argumentative and even had to apologise to me for it, whereas I wasn’t… I simply explained things to her politely. She is one of those in this country who wants to shut down free speech for people like me. And she’s succeeded…. she deleted my posts. Well fuck her, and fuck that stupid website. It should be taken down. Hardly anyone uses it nowadays.

 

What pisses me off the most though, is “try to be more respectful of people whose views differ from yours.” ………. fuck you. I am extremely tolerant of different views… I am respectful. I don’t have any respect for you now. But I never said that people who have different views to mine, are bad people… I never disrespected them. I was rightfully pissed off at people on the television….. I have grown intolerant of their intolerance!! I am allowed to say whatever the hell I like about people on the fucking television!! So if someone commented about Boris Johnson on this forum after seeing him on TV, saying what a moron he is, should I be offended because I like Boris???? How does this double standard forum work? The world is full of different opinions. It’s no reason to get rid of those opinions!

 

I’ve just composed my complaint, and will be sending it today. I harmed myself because of them – not that I’m allowed to tell them that, as I’d get ‘infraction points’…. they’ve got so many rules that you’re not even allowed to breathe anymore. I’m going to find a better site that actually respects the feelings and needs of the people using it.

 

---

 

5th June 2018

 

I wrote most of this post yesterday. I have since sent in my response to the moderator, and I have copied my complaint to the webmaster so that he can see the discrimination of his moderators.

 

 

 

In my opinion this forum has shown itself to be left-wing. They removed my posts for daring to criticise left-leaning people on the television, but took no issue with the countless posts about us ‘xenophobes, racists, oldies and bigots’ who voted for Brexit. I reported such posts – never minding that they’re a couple of years old now – it still demonstrates the double standards they have, and how intolerant they are of any more right-wing views whatsoever.

 

It feels like discrimination based on my opinions. In every sector of my life I feel like an outsider. I feel like a minority in terms of my views. I’m always shouted down by the opposition and I’ve had e-fucking-nough of it. The bitch is going to come out and play. You want to argue with me, or try to silence me, I’m going to shout it from the rooftops what a bigot you are. Try to show me up… I’ll show you up more. I’ve been a doormat for too many years, and it ends now. You’re going to get what you give and you’re going to get what you deserve. Don’t push me anymore. 

 

These posts will show you the emotional turmoil I went through as a result:

 

 

This site was a support forum for self-harm and mental health. This moderator and the actions of this site resulted in me cutting myself and punching the hell out of myself. I also went into self-neglect mode, where I don’t take my meds, eat, drink, sleep or anything else. I stay up late, thinking about everything. I’m still utterly exhausted two days later – this is my quiet day this week, and I haven’t enjoyed it. I don’t feel rested, because I feel stressed, on edge and unsettled. Somehow I have to get through the rest of the week, and the next, and every one after that. I feel shattered and really don’t want to exist right now. I want a month’s sleep. The anger I feel scares me. I have to bottle it up really. These people keep shutting my voice down. And every time they do that it builds the monster inside me….. I feel like a volcano about to explode, and I’m scared of who’ll get hurt in the blast. I feel a rage in me every single time people stop me from speaking…. I feel it bubbling violently, and I want to smash things… I want to scream. I want to punch the crap out of everything in sight. I feel such burning anger at other people, and I’m afraid of my thoughts…. I would never hurt another soul… I know that…. but the rage scares me. So I hit myself. I would rather beat myself black and blue than to lose control of my anger. But I resent all those people who stopped me being able to speak out about my feelings or my views. I have a right to freedom of speech – be it about politics or mental health, or my feelings or life. I have a right, and I should be allowed the space to do so, without being attacked for it. I am so angry that people think they can silence me, just because they don’t like what I have to say. 

 

My opinions may differ from yours…. my truth may upset you…. but demanding that I keep my thoughts to myself leaves the blood on your hands. You are asking me to bottle things up. You are saying that your opinions are all that matters, and you don’t want another idea out there to challenge yours. You are judging me as a person for not thinking the same as you. You are saying you don’t care about the consequences for me, even if that means me harming myself. You are silencing me, isolating me and pushing me towards the edge of the cliff. 

 

The last few times I have self-harmed have all been for the same reasons – that people tried to shut down my voice. They argued, they attacked, they accused, they played the victim and they made me feel like total shit. They made me feel I don’t have the right to a say… that I shouldn’t use my voice. That I have to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself and hurt myself, just to keep them happy. I cannot and will not take any more of this. From Twitter, to Facebook, to my blog, to this forum, I feel I can’t say anything without someone objecting. I’m sick of it. I’m sick of feeling like this is some team effort to get me to kill myself. It has all happened in the last couple of months and feels like a systematic shutdown of my voice. It feels like it’s been orchestrated so that I have to close up on every platform and be more isolated. This makes it feel like the whole world is against me. It makes me angry at everyone. It pushes my views even further and makes me hate the opposition more and more. If they could all just shut the hell up, and let people like me have our views without question, then life would be fine. It’s this dogmatic hunger of theirs to win arguments and score political points, at any cost… they’re making the situation in this country worse. Live and let bloody live. Do they not teach this nowadays? 

 

I’ve been a member of that forum for ten years, but no more. They say it’s not a political forum, yet they’ve shown their political bias in this targeting of me. I will seek out a better site, with a more relaxed attitude. The infraction points system is a joke – you talk about politics, religion, self-harm (in the ‘wrong way’), complain about actions by moderators, let people know their actions made you self-harm…. you so much as BREATHE and you get points which add up towards a ban. I’d be far too paranoid to use the site now. I would always be questioning ‘Can I say that?’… they’re clearly watching me and picking on me. You need to be able to speak your mind, especially in a rant/vent thread, otherwise what’s the point? If you have to edit your angry thoughts how will that work? It’s about getting it out so that you don’t hurt yourself. I feel they’re encouraging bottling up emotions instead. This is not healthy for a self-harm support site. I’m being kind in not naming it, though I really want to. I’m sure there are some good ones out there… this unfortunately is not it …. not any longer. I want to belong to a more open and tolerant forum, where different ideas are welcome and encouraged… and where I won’t be accused of disrespect and intolerance, by a disrespectful and intolerant person. She could not tolerate my views so got them removed, and had the audacity to lecture me on being respectful. It’s infuriating! And demonstrates the battle we non-left-leaning people face daily!!

 

I do apologise to those who would rather my posts not be political – that’s what I’ve wanted to avoid too, but since freedom of speech doesn’t seem to exist for me, unless I want to cut myself as a result, this is my only space left. I don’t intend to make it political, only to express my emotions and the difficulties I’m having in my life, that make my mental health worse. I respect different opinions. I promise you I have no issue if any of my followers have different political views. Any rants I ever have are based on people I’ve encountered and the general attitudes I’ve seen from certain groups of people. If you support a particular group I am ranting about and you are not one of the people I describe I apologise, and I don’t mean you – I only ever mean the unpleasant ones among your lot. Unpleasant people exist in every area of society, but my rants will tend to only be aimed in one direction as they are the opposite view to me, so are the ones most likely to personally give me trouble!

But respect and appreciation to you all. Thank you for always allowing me the freedom to speak freely on my own blog. It means a lot.

Hope you’re all well,

xxxx

 

Same Old, Same Old.

So here’s the thing… I’ve tried to stay positive for the past month. I went back on Facebook, and talked about various things, trying to relax about whether people acknowledged my existence or not. I explained through a post on my blog, and a video, where I’m at and what I need from my friends. I received a lovely message from one person in response. Various other people have responded to things I’ve posted, which helps. But unfortunately they’re not the people I’m concerned with, and I’m focusing more on the people who haven’t changed.

 

I’m giving power to these people and forgetting those who are actually there. I’m aware of this, but it doesn’t mean I can just stop feeling how I feel. I am paranoid. Out of a group of people, only one of them talks to me. I’m invisible to the others. The only other one who talks to me, only talks to me when I post an opinion they disagree with. I had this happen before, a year ago. Last year I had to make it clear that I sometimes post my political opinions on my Facebook page, because it’s a safer environment than Twitter. I don’t want to be attacked and challenged by strangers. The feeling of public humiliation is my biggest trigger. So I said I would occasionally post my thoughts on Facebook. I had a ‘friend’ who was polar opposite to me politically, and was very vocal about it. She would always pounce on my posts, making her own points, trying to show me up as wrong, and make herself appear morally superior. She’d try and shut down my voice. It’s not even been a year since she did this and then resorted to personal insults, telling me it’s good I don’t have children. Now, given that this is a very sore point for me, it was really cruel. We fell out, and before I could mute her on Twitter as advised by a friend, she blocked me. Instead of apologising she doubly hurt me. I cut her out of my life for good.

 

She had no respect for a difference of opinion. I know she was only a teenager, but seriously… The amount of times she’d jump on my Facebook posts in order to vent… I had to make it clear to my friends that when I post my feelings about politics on my page, it’s me venting or expressing my frustrations and concerns, and trying to connect with those who also feel the same as me. I stated that I don’t post to be controversial. I DO NOT post to debate / argue / or have someone try to change my view. I believe in freedom of thought and freedom of speech, and whilst some would argue (as they like to do!) that freedom of speech includes the freedom of people to disagree with my views, I have made it clear that I do not wish this to occur on my Facebook page. My nerves cannot handle debate anymore, ever since the referendum. I’ve had discussions and done enough research myself for many years, to reach the political decisions I have. I don’t need to change my views, and I don’t need to defend and explain my views. My opinions are right. That doesn’t mean others’ are wrong. In their own minds their opinions are also right. But what I’ve realised over the last two years, is that there are many people in the world, particularly left-leaning, who think their opinions are right, and anything else is wrong… i.e. MY opinions are wrong. Well they’re not. Time will tell.

 

Anyway, this experience not even a year ago has left me fragile. It has left me sensitive to this perceived threat from my friends on Facebook. So if I even get a hint that someone’s doing the same, it blows out of proportion.

 

I’ve experienced this twice this year from one friend… again polar opposite to me politically, jumping on my political posts. The first time was when I was expressing my fears and frustrations about the far left, and the second time was when I was venting my frustration about the local elections, and how for as long as I can remember we’ve always had an overwhelming if not total majority of one party. I’m allowed to do that. I’m allowed to say that I’m annoyed to live here, because there’s hardly any space left to build on in this once lovely village. They’ve turned it into a town, with too many people. I’m allowed to be annoyed about that. I’m allowed to say I’d rather live in a place run by a different party. I understand that the person in question possibly thought I was attacking a mutual friend who happens to belong to that party and lives in this area, but it had nothing to do with him. You know, it is possible to be supportive of a person in their role, but to hate a political party they happen to belong to. I don’t have to like a party just because I know someone affiliated with them! The reason I came to the conclusion that it involved him, was that seven minutes after jumping on my post to show me up, the person congratulated him on retaining his seat (though I don’t think he was even a candidate here)… I know I may have read more into this, but the previous time I also had the same feeling, that I was argued with, and then something was said to the group, that made me feel it was aimed at me. I don’t like this feeling, because I’ve had it throughout my life – I had a ‘friend’ who went behind my back and talked to my group of friends about me, and who also went to my best friend and listed all the reasons why I’m not the sort of friend she wanted in her life. Also whenever anyone’s upset me in the past, almost everyone rallied around the person who hurt me, rather than supporting me. I do know some of this latest stuff may be made up in my head – that’s the paranoia. And it comes from the fact that the person in question only talks to me when arguing my political posts – like the girl last year. They don’t speak any other time, even when I’ve needed support before – yet they readily give that to other people I know. This tells me they’re holding my political views against me as a person, and they deem me unworthy of care and support because of those views.

 

I know some would say that people are going to have opinions and express them – fine… express your own opinions on your own wall. This is MY page, not my friends’ page. I don’t know how many times I have to say I don’t want people debating with me on my page. It creates a feeling of ‘public humiliation’ for me – my biggest trigger, so please don’t do it!

 

I allow my friends to say whatever the hell they want on their own pages. Most of the time I don’t agree with it, and occasionally I might question the sanity of some of them for their opinions. But I keep it inside my head, or I write it out somewhere private. I don’t jump on their posts and argue their beliefs. Because I believe in free speech, and I believe in people being allowed to think whatever they want. If I was openly looking for debate that’s different, but I’m not. I’m expressing my views, to release my anxieties and anger. I’m doing it for my mental health. And as I’ve also said before, I’m also doing it to avoid other things in my life. You know that when I start getting obsessed with politics, that I’m deeply troubled by something else in my life, and I’m trying to avoid dealing with it. So when I then feel ‘attacked’ for my views, I feel I have to stop talking politics, and I’m left with no other way to cope with the shit in my life.

 

Let me spell it out for you… my life is a steaming pile of dung at the moment – I feel like I’ve lost my closest friend. And it is killing me inside. For weeks I’ve been a ball of anxiety, feeling sick, depressed and totally broken. I’m now coming to accept it as reality. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. But I have to just move on and try to keep surviving without any close friends, just the love and support of my family.

 

I was abandoned at the worst point in my life. I understand I’m hard to handle when my mental illness is this bad. But to be abandoned by those closest to you, when you’re facing the toughest challenges… it’s gut-wrenching. I used to be able to forgive these sorts of things, but I honestly don’t know anymore. This is not okay.

 

In February I babysat. As much as I adore the children, and I would do anything to help my friend, I did find it too overwhelming, given the state of my mental health. The next time I saw my friend was in March for a show. I haven’t seen her since. In fact I’ve hardly heard from her. I was sent a message before the anniversary date of my granddad’s death, about something else, and given that I had that date to deal with and was seriously unwell the next day, I didn’t reply until eight days later. But I never had a response to that message. I was upset that nobody offered comfort or support for the anniversary date, this friend included. And nobody seemed to acknowledge my existence on Facebook. I felt nobody cared. And seeing people getting on with their lives whilst ‘ignoring’ me really hurt. So I closed my account. Nobody got in touch to see if I was okay. Not even my closest friend. I take it she read a blog post and told me she was there if I wanted to talk, but given the state of mind I was in at the time, I read into the tone of the message, so I didn’t feel encouraged to open up. That was three and a half weeks ago.

 

I know I haven’t responded to it, so she might think I don’t want to talk to her, and that the ball is in my court, but that’s not how it works with depression. I know from recent experience with other people who are depressed. We don’t reach out. We need the extra effort made for us. And the fact my friend won’t make that effort, communicates to me that she doesn’t care about me. That I don’t matter. That our friendship is over. Again… I may be reading too much into things, but I wish my friends would understand how the mind of someone like me works, and make necessary changes to make sure we keep our friendship.

 

In a rational mind I know that friendship is a two-way street. But it’s not as black and white as that. It’s not ‘My message – your message – my message – your message’. We don’t take turns, and if the other doesn’t take their turn we never talk again! If you want me as your friend, and you don’t want to lose me, and you CARE about me, then message me a second time – it won’t hurt! Seriously, I feel so shit about myself and life at the moment that I am NOT going to reach out. So either show that you care and you’re not hostile towards me… make me feel safe, comfortable and loved, or keep letting me go. I’m almost gone anyway.

 

If I exclude that message that didn’t feel like genuine care, I’ve not heard from them in nearly seven weeks. If I’m wrong and there was genuine care there, then I’m sorry. But the state of my mental health right now tells me it wasn’t. And it also tells me that if it WAS genuine care, it would have been followed up with more. The fact that on having no reply, knowing that their friend is ill and deeply suffering, they say nothing more for another month only tells me that they’ve given up on me. And I don’t blame them to be honest, that’s the messed up bit about it! When you’re mentally ill you feel you’re worthless, and you’re too messed up to deserve friendship, happiness and love. So when people DO abandon you, you can’t blame them. But at the same time it does still hurt that those you thought really cared about you appear not to. And it knocks your self-esteem down even further.

 

Something I’ve not really considered before now is that my closest friend is likely my ‘favourite person’… (FP). This is a term often used when talking about BPD. This means that whenever I think I’ve lost her, it affects my feeling of self-worth so badly that I feel everyone hates me, I don’t deserve friends, they’re an awful person, I’m an awful person, the world is an awful place and I have no reason to live. When I have my best friend by my side, I can overcome anything. But when I feel them slipping away it all falls apart. In the past I would scrabble to hold on to people I didn’t want to lose, but I’ve become so used to being abandoned, that I no longer fight. It doesn’t mean I’m happy to lose the person, but I just accept they’re all going to leave me in the end… and I haven’t been wrong so far.

 

A few years ago I expressed fears of losing my friend. I thought I would become irrelevant to her once she had a family. This didn’t happen. But gradually over time we’d go longer and longer between speaking and seeing each other. I know I’m lower on the priority list now. I don’t expect to be any higher. I wouldn’t want to be. Family is everything, and I love that little family. It doesn’t mean I don’t feel upset though. It doesn’t mean I don’t face extreme fears of abandonment, and feel forgotten by her. It doesn’t stop the part of me saying ‘See, you knew this would happen – she doesn’t have time for you anymore’. It proves my worry right. This adds to the feeling of depression I already have.

 

Life has changed so much in the last few years. Not for me, but for all those around me. Everyone’s getting married, having children, getting pets, and I’m still me, with the same mental illness and nothing good in my life. It’s lonely. And I always thought that friends are meant to be that thing that make you feel less lonely. But when I look around at my friends I do feel lonely. I feel more lonely. Particularly when they appear to have forgotten I even exist. I know I’m low on the priority list of everyone. And when I’m as difficult as I am right now it doesn’t inspire them to make time for me. I’m not going to push them to do so. I’m going to just keep to myself. If they care about me they’ll show it. If they miss me they’ll tell me. If they want to see me they’ll make an effort to.

 

I am paralysed by this feeling of abandonment from my FP. I cannot reach out to them, no matter how much I wish I could. I can’t really reach out to anyone because of it. I actually spoke to my family about my friendship problems yesterday – it’s the first they know about it. I’ve just suffered in silence the last few months. I said to them that I know I should probably reach out to them if I want them to talk to me… and they said ‘Yeah like it’s really that easy when you’re depressed!’ – see they get it. They understand that when you’re depressed you retreat into your shell, and need someone to gently come and knock, asking if you’re okay… and to keep trying with you. To not give up on you. Nothing else will coax you out of your shell. If people leave me in this state, thinking that time will heal me, and eventually I will talk to them when I’m ready, they’re gravely mistaken. More time alone with my thoughts, feeling like nobody cares, only compounds the problem, and makes it less likely I’ll ever talk to them again.

 

Even when the person who betrayed me most in my life hurt me, every couple of weeks she’d send me a text saying ‘I hope you’re okay lovely lady’. I didn’t want to hear from her. It pissed me off. I thought ‘Of course I’m not okay! You saw to that!’… but the point is she cared about how I was, and didn’t give up on trying to be a friend to me. I chose not to have her as a friend, as I couldn’t be around her anymore. Had she not done what she did I wish she was still my friend, as at least until the point she did what she did, she actually cared about me.

 

Just because I’m aware of my behaviour it doesn’t mean I can change it. Just because I’m writing here about the fact someone isn’t talking to me, and that I know I could talk to them, it doesn’t mean I CAN talk to them. Like I said, I feel paralysed. When you honestly believe that someone doesn’t care about you, how the hell are you supposed to approach them? Especially when you have crippling depression.

 

Just like with the group of people I know – I feel excluded. As I said before, only one talks to me, and another only argues with me. The others I don’t even feel notice me. Some might think this is my fault… that I’m excluding myself…. that I could join in with discussions in our group, but it’s not as simple as that. I’ve been living the last few months thinking they all hate me. Because I thought that the one person had gone into that group and was having a snipe at me, and they all rallied round in support of her (even if this was a misconception!), pair that with the fact they don’t speak to me but speak to each other, I am going to think I’m being excluded. I will feel singled-out. I will feel like they don’t like me. And that’s how I feel. If I feel like they all hate me then how the hell am I to be expected to join in conversations? Can you understand that?

 

If you feel people hate you or don’t care about you, you shut down. You don’t put yourself out there, at risk of rejection, abandonment and feeling worse than you already do. I feel terrible. I hate myself. I don’t want to do life. I feel worthless and hopelessly depressed. I can’t risk feeling worse. So I can’t reach out to people who I believe hate me and don’t care about me. Please try and understand this bind I’m in. I cannot break out of it myself. It requires real care and effort. Other than that I don’t know what it requires. I shouldn’t have to come up with all the answers. All I know is I wouldn’t leave a friend feeling isolated and uncared for, if I knew they were suffering as much as I am, and had no support from others. That is why I feel I don’t matter to any of my friends… except one or two people who have shown their support in the last few weeks.

 

I believe if people care about me they’ll let me know. If they don’t then they don’t care. Nearly two months of thinking my closest friend doesn’t care, and each day pushes me further past the point of no return. I can’t forget that I was abandoned at a time I needed my friends. If other friends care about me they’ll get in touch and support me in my difficult times. If they don’t, they don’t care. If the one person, polar opposite to me politically cares about me, they’ll show their care and support when I need it, and stop pouncing on my political posts.

 

I need to have a space I can vent my feelings. Twitter isn’t safe. Facebook apparently now isn’t safe. So don’t anybody criticise me for writing on my blog. I’m constantly forced to shut down my voice on my own Facebook page, so this is all I have left. Given that I have no friends to talk to, I’m going to talk to my blog. It’s become my best friend. My one and only friend. And I am free to speak on it. If people don’t like that, then they should look at themselves and consider the part they played in me having nowhere else to air my feelings. I’m done apologising for my mental illness, for feeling lonely and forgotten, for being abandoned and for needing my feelings to be heard. Sometimes the truth hurts. It doesn’t mean I shouldn’t speak it. As I have stated the above things were my perceptions. I admit they may be distorted. But it’s how I feel. And if you don’t want me to hold such beliefs then the ball is in your court. The actions of people or lack thereof over the past few months have led me to here. And the continuation of them isn’t going to improve things. If people keep attacking my views, and people keep waiting for me to reach out to them, I won’t be around much longer. It’s not up to me to fix this. It never was…

Born In The Wrong Era: A Grumpy Old Woman!

*This may contain swearing, self-harm and suicide references, among other issues… and may offend everyone at some point – not intended… just an expression of the turmoil I’m in at the moment. Warning I do sound like a grumpy old woman. Some people feel they were born in the wrong skin… the wrong gender… I feel I was born in the wrong era! Read at your own peril*

 

I’ve not been feeling too great lately. My depression is the worst it’s been. I keep thinking of reasons for why this is… but the reality is likely to be that it just is. It’s an illness and it’s worsened at the moment. I know that grief is playing its part. I know that my experiences with mental health services last year and a subsequent loss is playing another great part in it.

The rest of it lies with the state of the world and the people in it. I’m going to try and do this in the calmest way I can, as the other day I wrote a rant using the most colourful language imaginable. I was extremely angry. But that anger comes from a place of powerlessness. I feel like I can work on grief. I can work on my past and the emotions attached to it. I can recover from loss. But one thing I can’t do is change the mess the world is in. I can’t change the people in it. I can’t make people be nicer human beings. And the powerlessness and inability to make people see how harmful their attitudes are, is dragging me down deeper into my depression.

In a nutshell, the issues I’ve identified are:

• Politics…. apparently if you’re not a Labour voter, or a Remain voter you’re a piece of shit who should kill themselves. You’re stupid, worthless and your voice should be ignored, as the votes were so close, and it apparently wasn’t a binding referendum anyway (Hint: It WOULD have been deemed one, had Remain won as narrowly!!). Basically we’re scum and people can’t wait for us to drop dead. That is what a section of society and a lot of politicians / celebrities seem to imply. They don’t think of the impact of this on people like me. I’ve been bullied and socially excluded all my life. I’ve felt worthless and tell myself I’m stupid all the time. I’m ignored a lot. And it’s given me the mental health issues I have now. People would have sympathy for me, but if I disclose my political persuasion then suddenly that trumps everything. I can drop dead for all they care. Even mental health goes out the window when you don’t agree with the more vocal Labour supporters and Remainers. They claim to be the majority, but if they were then they would have won. The trouble is they shout down and abuse those with a different opinion so we’re all bullied into silence. So this creates the illusion that we’re a minority. I don’t want to make this blog have anything to do with politics. But everything feels so political right now, and people like me have been made to feel like shit since long before the referendum. It’s a fact. We’ve been called names for months and months… endured a lot of abuse, and it still hasn’t stopped. And I’m speaking out about this now, because if you yourself are one of those people calling people like me stupid, racist, fascist, uneducated, gullible, saying we were lied to, and saying our voices should be ignored, then PLEASE, stop and think. How would you like it? I know you have your political opinion, but think about mental health. That is so much more important, and if your behaviour, your attitude and your words are making someone feel like shit, and like they want to kill themselves, then it’s time to stop what you’re doing. The trouble with politics is people feel so strongly about it that they forget the human being behind the views. They forget that I have a mental illness, that I’ve been through a lot of painful experiences in my life. They forget that I am a person with emotions, memories, passions, fears, hopes and dreams – they just see me as whatever label they choose for the day for ‘scum like me’. This country is savagely divided, and until a certain side of the argument learns to accept defeat graciously, and stops disrespecting our equal voices, those rifts are NEVER going to mend. It’s not our duty to heal the rifts. That will not come through pandering to the wishes of the losing side, as that’s not possible, and would not have happened had it been the other way around! It will only come from ACCEPTANCE. Fighting reality only causes stress and suffering, for all. It’s time to get on. Having people constantly fighting against a decision we made and were allowed to make, and did so for a good reason, is draining, demoralising and makes me want to give up on more than just voting.

 

• I hate that I live in a world where you’re attacked for having a different opinion. This relates to politics but also to religion, race, sexuality… everything. If someone is uncomfortable about homosexuality for instance, they are made out to be a monster. They have sexuality forced in their faces everyday and are told they have to be tolerant and accept it. Well I say no. I personally have no problem with anyone of any race, religion, sexuality. But I do have a problem with people forcing their opinions and way of life on other people. Some older people grew up in a time when things were different, and homosexuality was illegal. Some people are religious and their religion tells them that it’s a sin. Whatever someone’s reasons for their personal beliefs, it’s nobody’s business, and they’re entitled to hold those beliefs. There’s a lot of people out there who hold these ‘intolerant’ beliefs but you’d never know, because they’re not shitty people like they’re painted to be. They may feel uncomfortable, but they treat everyone as a person, and with respect and kindness – that’s what being human is about. Treating people the same, but not being forced to think the same. As long as your beliefs don’t hurt someone – as long as you’re not going out attacking people for their colour, their religion, their sexuality etc, and you’re not openly abusing people, then you’re allowed to think and feel however you want to about such things. Freedom of thought cannot and will not be shut down. It shouldn’t be. The moment it is, there is no point in human beings – we’ll all be drones. We’re having the notion of ‘tolerance’ being forced down our throats by the most intolerant of people. If people want certain religions, races and sexuality to be accepted by everyone, then there’s got to be the willingness to accept those who cannot accept those things – without judging them as ‘bad / ignorant’ people or talking them down. We’re humans, we are allowed to be different to each other. Those trying to force tolerance on others should practise some themselves, and tolerate a difference of opinion, without thinking they’re right and others are wrong. It’s just different. They should stop seeking acceptance from the world, and learn to just accept themselves, and work on their immediate surroundings. As long as they are happy in themselves and the people around them can accept them, then who cares what some woman down the street THINKS about them?

 

• We also live in a world where people aren’t held to account for what they say online. People feel empowered to say anything they like, however rude, disrespectful and harmful it is. Just the other day a load of people with experience of mental illness and possibly suicidal thoughts, were celebrating the suicide of an actor. He had done something terrible, being in possession of child pornography, so I can understand the anger surrounding this. But the lack of compassion and respect, not for him, but for his FAMILY was shocking and actually quite sickening. I feel ashamed to share this world and this species with people with that mentality, that they would wish death on someone, and celebrate them ending their life. I’ll tell you, even when Gaddafi died, I felt very uncomfortable with the celebrations. I can understand the sense of relief for some people when someone who hurt them passes away, but to openly express joy about it online?? There’s something very inhuman about that. It’s concerning. Where are the consciences of these people? Have they never lost a family member? That’s all I can assume, because if they knew what grief felt like, then they’d know that having people spit on their dead relative and cheer their death, is not going to help the grieving process. I’m not saying don’t be angry at him. I’m not saying don’t be pleased he’s dead. I’m just saying where has the decency in this world gone? Some thoughts ought to remain inside thoughts, for the sake of other people, i.e. the family. They didn’t ask for a son who would do that. And they’ll be in a lot of pain right now. The respectful thing to do, if you can’t pass on condolences is just to remain quiet… what has happened to this value, this idea? The internet has a lot to answer for. This extends beyond this case – and even merges with politics again, as some people think it’s acceptable to post death threats on Twitter and urge people to kill themselves. I will have you know that I report such vile people and their tweets. It’s nice when I get reports back that they were in violation of the rules. People have to be responsible for what they say online. They have to relearn how to behave as decent human beings. Blurting out whatever is in your head every minute of the day, is not normal or acceptable. Particularly if it is offensive to someone else. It’s called ‘self-control’ / ‘self-discipline’. You learn to hold your thoughts inside your head, not needing everyone to hear all of them. If you don’t like someone or their opinion, just scroll past… it has a better effect, giving the person less exposure, and also reflects better on you as a person. These people celebrating his death feel they’re right to do so… that’s fine, if they want to do that then that’s great… but as long as they are aware they sound like sociopaths, and they are arseholes in regards to his family. Free to say what you like, but it does paint an image of who you are. That’s all. Something I wrote in my rant yesterday which I will share is this: “If the mentally ill mock someone who killed themselves then they have no right to campaign against stigma surrounding suicide. It’s hypocritical.”

 

• Another issue is this sexualised world we live in. What happened to good old-fashioned courting, wooing, romancing a lady? What happened to chivalry? What happened to respect for a woman, rather than asking her ‘what she’s into sexually’?? I have very little in the way of experience with men, I’ll be honest about that. But what little experience I have had has tainted my view of men and society as a whole. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll laugh at an innocent innuendo. I have got a slight dirty mind. But the point is it’s private. And I don’t expect men to be openly suggestive to me like that. I’ve had experiences of men being forward and crude, and at the time I was naïve and vulnerable, so I may have played along, which led me down the wrong path. So that now I believe all men are only interested in one thing. They have no respect for me as a person. I feel none of them understand who I am and what I expect. I am not a distraction. I am not a friend with benefits. I am not a casual hook-up type of person. I am not the other woman. I am not second choice. If that means being alone forever, because no man can match my standards and expectations then so be it. I will never again let a man make me feel cheap and worthless. I want consistency, respect, honesty, loyalty, kindness, companionship, love and friendship. I want a gentleman. Don’t make sexual jokes. Don’t message me at 11pm asking what I’m up to. Don’t think that just because I used to exchange texts with one guy in the past that that’s the type of girl I am – I’m not… that was a mistake, pure and simple. If a man wants to be with me, he will have to either be old-fashioned like me, and woo me, or be my friend, but with no expectations that he will ever become more. I’ve been badly hurt by men I’ve encountered in life – even the ‘nice’ ones! I want to believe someone exists out there, with the same values as me… with respect for women… someone who would treat me like a lady, and value companionship, marriage and a family above ‘sex’. Why does everything have to be about sex nowadays? Why are people so openly crude about things that should be private? Why are people so openly into weird things? I feel like the world is harsh and graphic, rather than loving and gentle… it seems to be more about a ‘connection’ that gets you into bed, rather than truly connecting on a spiritual level. It makes me think real love doesn’t exist. I shy away from the world of men because of being hurt before, but also because I don’t think what I need exists out there. I don’t want to be seen as a sex object. I don’t want someone who wants me based on what I can offer them in the bedroom…. I want someone who wants me because they love my soul and can’t imagine a lifetime without me. I want someone to feel for me, the way I’ve felt for others… the way I feel for someone out there right now. Surely such a thing must be possible…. but my faith in men is zero right now. I don’t know how to change that and learn to trust. Damn those bastards who hurt me. They have no clue how much they ruined my life.

 

• Young people…. they seem to be getting more gobby and more ‘entitled’ every year. In the past children were seen and not heard. They had respect for their elders. When I was sixteen and there were elections, I accepted I wasn’t 18 so didn’t have a say. That’s life. We all went through it. Yet young people nowadays seem to feel they are more important than older people so should be allowed the vote, or that their votes should count twice as much as an old person, since the old person will be dead soon anyway. This disrespect and self-righteous attitude from youth these days is troubling. It’s disgusting in fact – I’m appalled that they find it okay to talk about people like my parents / grandparents in the manner they do…. let alone their own elderly relatives!! I had a discussion with a friend / acquaintance about this last year… they were a teenager themselves and were giving me all that about how important young people are, as they’re ‘the future’, and the old people who voted for Brexit won’t have to live with the consequences very long. I said that’s the very attitude I don’t like – the ‘young people are more important than old people’ opinion…. they’re not. Old people have lived in this world a lot longer, have experienced first-hand for instance, being outside of the EU and within it… they have life experience. They’ve wiped the backsides of young people and look at the thanks they get for it! They’ve contributed a lot to society, and to then have some snotty nosed kid straight out of school / college, telling them their opinion should be ignored as ‘we’re the future!’ – well so are babies…. do you want 6 month old babies to vote too?? It’ll affect them the most after all. Newsflash 17 year olds – there is no guarantee that you will live to 80 or 90….. just as there is no guarantee that 70 year olds won’t live until 110. So stick that in your pipe and smoke it. Older people might live with it just as long! Plus the young will be thanking the old one day… they can’t see it now, but they will. Anyway, my ‘friend’ turned on me personally and said it’s good I don’t have children…. which given that I’m uncertain if I’ll be able to have children, was a vicious thing to say to a friend so publicly, especially as she is a mental health campaigner. She made me have a panic attack and harm myself. We’re not friends now. But this is the level of nastiness that came from young people after the vote. They don’t think of the consequences of their actions. And they think they are right and everyone else is wrong. This proved my point perfectly. Everyone’s opinion is important. Everyone over the age of 18 should be able to cast their vote equally….. and when dealing with a vote, the majority wins… you don’t count people who didn’t vote. You don’t say they wanted the status quo. If that’s the case then they should have voted for it. You only count votes that were cast on the day. That is how democracy works. After the referendum, the young people took to Twitter and spilled bile, which proved WHY young people should not be allowed a vote. They are sore losers. They haven’t learnt to graciously lose a vote. It’s a skill that takes time to learn in life, that you don’t always get what you want. But this entitled culture has led children to believe they can have anything they want…. BE anything they want… do anything they want…. and when the realisation hits them that this isn’t true, and sometimes you have to admit defeat, they come thumping back down to Earth…. I believe this is why so many young people have mental health problems… they were set up, expecting life to be a certain way, and the reality is very different, as many of us ‘old people’ over 30 learnt quite early.

 

• Another point on children, is why can’t they just remain children? You’re a child until you are 18. Children should not be having sex. They shouldn’t be drinking / smoking. They shouldn’t be wearing make-up and acting like adults. I’m not judging people who do these things, I’m just having a go at society, the internet and magazines. Please… childhood should be cherished – life gets tough after that. Please let children remain children as long as they can. It’s the one thing I wish I could get back…

 

• People flit from relationship to relationship. Some even have two on the go at once. Some stab their so-called friends in the back and swoop on their love interest when they’re out of the country. Where are the morals? Why are people so afraid to be on their own? Why do they always need to be in a relationship? Why do they rebound? Why can’t they take the time to recover from the previous relationship, and discover themselves again before launching themselves onto someone else? Yes I’m a little bitter as my friends have never lacked a potential new partner… and I never get a look in for one in the first place! I just think when people leave someone for someone else, it pisses me off, because I could have made the previous person happy. I could’ve been with the next person. It’s like some women hog all the men. No wonder I can’t find one for myself when they’re all either recovering from a break-up, or they’re lining themselves up to be a rebound!! Helloooo??! I’m right here – not tangled up with someone else…. not rebounding…. no? Okay….. I know I’m messed up in the head… I’m jaded because of men in my past….. I hate myself…. not wonderful qualities. But if a man treated me well, I would have so much to give him. I wish someone could see past all my bullshit and see my heart, and stop wasting time on people who might change their mind. I wish the nice guys would stop being rebounds. And I wish they’d step up to the plate and be the white knight for someone who is actually single and hurting, rather than someone already in a relationship they’re not happy in. Sorry, this is a personal issue for me that I haven’t recovered from yet… as I’ve just discovered.

 

• You get conflicting views on body image – you’re told to love yourself warts and all, and that someone will find you attractive whatever you’re like. And then you have people telling you nobody likes a ‘chubster’. Don’t you think I hate myself enough already? Is it your aim to make sure I don’t stop hating myself for a second? Don’t you think I feel helpless with the health issues I have that make it hard for me to lose weight? Don’t you think I feel unlovable as it is? Don’t you think I’m paralysed with depression? Don’t you think I feel ugly? But what, am I supposed to hate myself forever unless I lose weight to attract a man? Am I less deserving of love because I put on weight? Ten years ago I was underweight / borderline anorexic… apparently that’s more attractive to men, from my experience. Does my size really indicate my level of worth? Do I not deserve to experience love, for once in my life?

 

• People let you down. Friends stop talking to you. You feel all alone in the world. Someone with BPD needs stability and certainty. Half the time I feel I don’t really have friends… just one. I’ve tried to reach out to people, but it led nowhere. I can’t keep putting myself out there. And since they don’t make the effort with me, what’s the point?

 

• People say I’m too sensitive and need thicker skin – how do you grow skin then? Because I’m painfully aware I won’t survive in this world as I am, with the level of INSENSITIVITY displayed by others. Why do I have to change my gentle soul just because some pricks don’t know how to be nice? Learn to treat others with more kindness. That is easier…. but no, of course I would have to be the one to change – I’m always flawed… you’re always perfect… nothing wrong with you…. it’s not your actions and words, it’s my ‘sensitivity’. You don’t want to change – that takes effort, and stopping to consider the impact of your behaviour…. it’s easier for you if I’M the one to change. Screw you. It’s a way of dodging responsibility again, for what people say and do. We need more people who hold themselves responsible for their behaviour, and think about others for a change.

 

• Narcissists. People who wrong you and fool the world and more worryingly themselves, that you were the one in the wrong, and they’re the victim. They will crap on you at the worst time of your life, hurt you, and rather than doing the decent thing, like apologising and making amends for the sake of everyone else, they use special occasions to ‘make a point’ they’re displeased with you, and don’t speak to you for almost a year. We’ll never speak again. We’re done.

 

So it’s hard to want to live in this world when people pigeon-hole you, and judge you for your political opinion, and isolate you for it; there is no tolerance of independent thought; people can say the most atrocious things and get away with it; everything is about sex and how physically attractive you are; children are no longer children, and the respect for elders is gone – they think they’re better than older people; people have no morals or loyalty; I don’t deserve love because of how I look; people let you down; nobody takes responsibility for their actions and words – I’m expected to grow thicker skin; and those who do wrong don’t apologise, they make you out to be the villain instead. These are just some of the things making me feel hopeless about the future.

 

 

Another thing that has recently come to my attention, is that there have been calls to put a safety barrier on a particular bridge after a woman ‘fell’ from it. I have mixed feelings…. in the past I might have said yes… in order to save people’s lives. But the simple fact is if someone wants to die, they will find a way. The thing that troubles me the most is that I feel angry – that I would have my option taken away from me. I have often thought of ‘falling’ from that bridge too, and to have people decide I’m not allowed to make that choice, and I’m FORCED to continue life, when they have no idea what it’s like to be me right now, it pisses me off.

 

They shouldn’t prevent people from ending their lives UNLESS they’re also going to give people the mental health support they need. It’s wrong to ask people to stay alive if you’re not going to help them battle the demons that make them want to leave. So no… don’t spend money putting up a barrier – use that bloody money to provide help for people like me!! That is more important.

And that is what also fills me with hopelessness at the moment. Someone I know has been in hospital, and has said that when they’re discharged there won’t be much in the way of help for them, on the NHS at least… if there’s no hope for them, then what hope is there for me? What’s the point of trying for CMHT? Are they going to turn me down? If I see them is it going to be minimal help then? If I lose the plot entirely and try to take my life, does that mean I won’t get the help? Is it only if you’re inpatient you get the help? This is wrong. I feel there’s no hope for me. I’m trapped. I want help before I get to utter crisis point. Am I to understand that help doesn’t exist for me? Should I just give up now? And that’s what I mean about the bridge – you can’t take away that option for someone if you don’t replace it with real support. It’s not fair.

All those troubles in the world and in the country…. all those people with questionable morals …. honestly feeling I’ve been born in the wrong era … the world being different since my loss … feeling irreparably broken after therapy and losing yet another person I wasn’t ready to lose … and the lack of help, yet feeling trapped and forced to live regardless of lack of support … How do I live like this? What kind of life is this? These are the feelings I battle daily at the moment. I’m not inspired to get better, because of all this. I honestly need someone to come along, wave a magic wand and make my life better… make the world better. But I know it’s useless hoping for that. It’ll never happen. So I have to either choose to live regardless, or choose the alternative. That’s where my head’s at right now.

 

Apologies for the rants. Keeping all this inside has driven me to dangerous lows in the last few weeks. I just don’t know how to have hope for the future, with so many unpleasant people and things in this world. It would be bad enough if I was happy and had someone who loved me… positive things in my life. But with an empty, pointless life I’m just in the worst place I’ve ever been. Neither the past, the present nor the future fill me with anything other than pain and misery. I’m sorry if that makes me ‘too negative’ for others. It’s my reality right now.