Tuesday Journal: 28/04/20

Will be blogging about the hell of the last week, but thought I ought to get the journal thing out of the way first…

 

 

Things I’m grateful for:

  • Being able to get the wool to continue crocheting my blankets! Managed to order my purple wool at about 3am the other day. Crochet is life right now.
  • Chocolate.
  • Diazepam.
  • Painkillers & other pain-relievers.
  • Music.
  • Playing the old Animal Crossing game on the Wii. Wish I could get the new console & game though…..

 

What I struggled with:

  • Being upset by ‘X’, talking about it to my key worker & ending up even more misunderstood and invalidated. Will be blogging about this separately, but basically ended up with me feeling too frustrated to know how to externalise it healthily. Feel none of them ever listen to me. They fob me off with excuses and ‘reasons’ for doing things, whilst ignoring the fact I know the whole story – I know the facts and I know my feelings and both are being overlooked here. What they’re saying doesn’t make sense, so that means the truth isn’t involved. They’re just covering each other’s arses, whilst sending my mental health spiralling.

What I learnt from it:

  • Not to bother talking to the Wellbeing Centre about anything. Not whilst in isolation – they only make me worse.
  • People are dumb. They don’t read properly…. no matter how clearly I spell things out for them they’ll still misinterpret it and leave me banging my head against a brick wall. It’s not my problem – it’s theirs.  But I deserve better than this.
  • Don’t care about X…. or anyone really. Need to learn how to not care about others.
  • I should never have told the Centre about my feelings for X. It’s only with hindsight I can see it was a mistake… but I really thought they’d be more help than the IAPT service were a couple of years ago.
  • I’m going to have to work through this on my own, as other people only make it worse.
  • I’m more angry with X now than I am worried about him. Maybe that’ll do me some good.

 

What I achieved:

  • Made another NHS frontline ‘bear’ – except it’s not a bear… it’s a pig! It’s rubbish, so won’t be sharing a pig-ture.
  • Have so far crocheted nine squares for my new blanket…
  • A couple more walks. Hope to finish my miles tomorrow.
  • Guess you could call emailing my key worker an achievement, even though it led to a mental health crisis for me last night….. I’ve been told I’m brave for tackling issues like I do. Not sure about that. Starting to think it’s stupidity not bravery. And I definitely went too far last night. Embarrassed by that. Will write about it later.
  •  Not doing so well at achieving things at the moment to be honest. Just surviving is the achievement. It’s been a terrible week for me.

Open Letter to ‘X’.

*Rant – very bad language*

 

 

To X,

 

I’m sorry for caring. I’m sorry for giving a damn. I’m sorry for worrying what the hell happens to you. I’m sorry for speaking my truth. I’m sorry I’ve yet again done the wrong thing. Now I have to pick up the pieces on my own.

 

You’ve taught me it’s wrong to care. So you know what, I don’t now. I don’t give a fuck what happens to you. I don’t want to speak to you ever again. I was going to talk to someone about all this, but now I’m not. Now there’s nothing to talk about. I fucking hate you right now.

 

You just don’t get it do you…. you’re akin to my ‘FP’…. how you interact with me has such an impact on my mental health and recovery. That last message minimised what I’m experiencing. It also told me it was wrong to say anything to you at all. So I never will again. I won’t even acknowledge you. For all you know I’ll be dead. I fucking well want to be right now.

 

At every turn you make me feel like shit for feeling how I do. I guess maybe you thought this distance from you would cure me of my feelings towards you….. it doesn’t work like that. But right at this minute I don’t feel feelings for you anymore. Not positive ones anyway.

 

Everything is black. There is no hope. There is no point to anything. Any efforts I’ve been making to keep going are fucked. I don’t give a damn about recovery now. I don’t give a damn about the help you’ve devised. I don’t give a damn about you. I’ve gone from caring and worrying so damn much, that I was in tears for how much I missed you and feared for your safety and wellbeing, to now being unable to breathe through my nose, or stop hurting myself, for simply the words ‘….to someone else in the future’. You made me feel shit for being a fucking human. Fine, you don’t want to know how I feel, then fine, you never will again. You’ll never see me or hear from me ever again. I didn’t think I’d fucking survive this anyway. You clearly don’t want me to. It’s clear you’re sick of me, even with all this distance I’m too much. So fine. I’m done. I give up on recovery. I give up on caring. I give up on worrying about you. I give up on everything.

 

I shouldn’t have said what I did. I realised after I said it. But thanks so much for handling it so kindly. This was a hard enough situation before the lockdown, when it just intensified, as this fucking Coronavirus shit is also a hard enough situation itself, and now both are even worse thanks to you. I hate you. You and your lot have no idea how this separation would feel for someone in my position. Mental health ‘experts’ have no fucking clue about this sort of thing. Someone should’ve known what this would do to me. But you’re all just glad I’m out of your hair for a bit aren’t you….. probably hope I die, then I’ll never bother any of you again. This is how you make me feel.

 

I didn’t need you to care about or worry about me too. I was just expressing what I’m struggling with, and wishing you well. But I’m obviously a fucking awful person for doing that. I won’t fucking talk to anyone ever again. Anything I do is always wrong. I’m so sick of being me. Hideous, disgusting, pathetic me.

 

Goodbye X. I’m sorry I was such a nuisance to you. You’re free of me now.

 

‘Kind regards’

 

Lily

Tuesday Journal: 21/04/20

Things I’m grateful for:

  • The garden – taken to lying down in the evening as the sun’s setting, to just feel the sun on my face, without it being too hot. I’m thankful I have that space to do that. Some aren’t as fortunate.
  • Creativity + Hobbycraft delivering! Means I can keep busy with arty stuff. It’s been so important to me recently. Will explain what I’ve done, in the achievement bit…
  • The stars, and how they put things in perspective. And even if we’re feeling alone, we’re all under the same sky, so we’re never as apart as we may feel.

 

 

What I struggled with:

  •  Self-esteem.  Hating myself for being so demanding & negative, and for not being good at responding to people.

What I learnt from it:

  • I’m not perfect. I don’t have to be. I’m doing the best I can. I’m sure others are struggling to respond to people too. It’s a trying time. I’m doing what I can to survive right now. I’ll get round to responding to people as and when I can. The right people will still be there to talk to once I’m out of survival mode. If they give up on me then so be it. I can’t always be what people want me to be. But I also have to understand that others may be struggling too, and maybe that’s why I feel ‘ignored’ by them a lot of the time. It’s not wrong of me to speak out though and admit I feel neglected by everyone. They don’t know my story.

 

What I achieved:

  • Made a frontline NHS bear (crochet).
  • Took up another hobby – pointillism – takes a lot of concentration and patience, but it’s oddly therapeutic. Doing a minion at the moment. Using grey and black fine point art pens.
  • Reached out to ask the Centre if there’s been any progress on plans… heard today that there has been.
  • Increased my miles for this month from 5 to 15… less than 6 miles to go now.
  • The shopping – that’s always a huge achievement for me.
  • Finally started writing the letter for my nan. Taken me so long to start it… didn’t know what to say. Usually good with words, but struggling with it at the moment.

 

 

‘Tuesday’ Journal: 14/04/20 (16/04/20)

*Advanced trigger warning – see below*

 

 

I forgot to write my journal on Tuesday this week. So I’ll try and do it now. Before I start I just want to apologise for not being good at responding to comments on here. I do see them and I appreciate them so much – more than you could know. I’m just not coping too well. It’s annoying because I feel so alone right now, so talking to people who take the time to talk to me would be a wonderful idea… it annoys me that I struggle to do it. It’s counterintuitive. But a big part of my mental health struggle right now. I’m a mess. And I hate seeming so rude to everyone. I’m sorry.

 

My ‘Tuesday journal’ will include up to today as well, as I can barely remember what day it is, let alone what happened when!!

 

..

 

*Strong language and suicidal feelings*

 

 

What I am grateful for:

  • Chocolate!! At last!! Reunited with my comfort. My body will regret it, but my mouth & mind are very happy!!
  •  Being able to order yarn online – though I still can’t get the colour I need to continue my blanket…
  • Sleep.
  • Beauty of nature – going for walks and seeing the flowers, the sunsets, the light through the trees etc.
  • Music.

 

What I struggled with:

  • Being invisible still. People not supporting me during my hard time with grief. Hard enough being ignored whilst grieving – had that for a couple of years now… but whilst in isolation and not having my support group, it’s harder. I hate people right now. People suck. They talk about reaching out…. they talk about checking in with friends…. they talk about ‘we’re all in this together’… seems some of us are more in it together than others, i.e. me. When I reach out I’m left talking to myself. And nobody checks in with me. I give up. I’m a nothing to everyone.  I’m done with people. I’m done with myself. I’m done with life.
    Putting myself out there, trying to be positive to make connections with people who used to talk to me = silence. Share my grief and pain = silence. Talk about my mental health = silence. Apparently the problem is me, and my mental health, rather than how other people treat me. Bollocks to that. The solution is people acknowledging my existence. The answer is people bloody well caring for a change. The solution is people being my friend. But fuck the lot of them. All my ‘friends’ hurt and abandoned me, or are dead. So fuck it all. Fuck. It. All. I don’t want to be alive right now….

What I learnt from it:

  • I’m an awful person.
  • Nobody cares.
  • I can’t do this life thing.
  • I want to be dead.
  • It hurts too much.

 

What I achieved:

  • Shopping.
  • Writing poems.
  • Walking.
  • Surviving. So far.

 

 

..

 

And with that, I’m done. I’m done opening up. I’m done complaining about people making me feel alone. I just have to let them make me feel that way and just feel it. Had this with my former ‘best friend’ – mental health suffering because of their actions / inactions…?? STFU about it. Accept it. Otherwise they’ll ditch you. Fuck people. I’m not okay. But nobody gives a shit about that. So from now on if I ever talk again nobody will know how close to the edge I am. One day they’ll know. And they’ll wish they’d treated me better when I was alive. They’ll wish they’d acknowledged me when they could’ve saved me. But until then I will not burden anyone, or complain about anyone anymore. Because people have a knack of turning it round to make me feel like shit for them not being there for me. Fuck them. Fuck all of them. I really am alone. I hate every ‘friend’ who ever hurt me, and turned their back on me, and I hate Liv right now, for leaving me on my own. I can’t do this anymore.

I Grieve Alone.

*Suicide theme*
*Swearing – rant*

 

 

So yesterday was the first birthday of the most wonderful friend I ever had, since she ended her life last year. It was a very difficult time for me. I stupidly reached out online, to tell the world I was struggling with it. Can you guess what happened? The same as what always happens for me….. silence. I was ignored. I was invisible. My pain went unnoticed.

 

At a time when I’m feeling trapped in isolation, I needed people to give a damn for once. But they seriously don’t and never will. When I had my group at the Wellbeing Centre, I cared less about these neglectful online people. But now with this lockdown crap I have no other support. I needed the online support. I’m more aware of how utterly alone I am and how little I am valued by people who should care, and the wider population in general.

 

I can understand all my usual bumph being ignored like it is. But grief?? Seriously?? Everyone knows how it feels to lose someone. How hard is it to send a thoughtful, kind and supportive message to say you’re thinking of someone?

 

I get that there’s the possibility that seeing someone’s grief might tap into your own, and bring you pain… so you would want to avoid that. But I’m not asking for someone to lean on. I’m not asking for someone to talk to. I just needed a damn bit of compassion. To have my grief noticed. To hear ‘I’m thinking of you today’. That’s all. For fuck’s sake… if that’s asking too much then I obviously really don’t deserve to live in this fucking world.

 

This is nothing new to me. Anytime there’s an anniversary date, or a birthday, I write in the hope someone will hear me and validate my pain and respect the person in question by reaching back to me, to show they see the importance of that person to me…. every time I’m left on my damn own… the silence showing me how little I mean to everyone and how unimportant the person I lost was. It’s fucking rude and disrespectful.

 

Other people get support at times like this. I even give support to people. Even if I can’t say anything more than ‘Thinking of you’, I still do it, because it matters more than you’d think. To witness someone’s grief and stay silent, leaving them totally alone and unsupported is about the worst fucking thing you can do… especially to someone with serious mental illness… and especially at a time when isolation is putting a strain on people.

 

Do you know, the only person who ever really supported me in my previous grief, was the person who is no longer here and who I was grieving yesterday……. she would send her thoughts to me…. she’d tell me to be gentle with myself… she’d recognise how painful certain times can be. She guided me through my first case of grief. Now there’s nobody there to guide me through this traumatic loss of her.

 

I don’t have friends. She took her life. The other one abandoned me. After that there was nobody else. People don’t seem to understand how much I relied on little words of support from them…. I relied on the ‘acquaintances’ because I had nobody else. Their kindness would have made such a difference. Their silence was and always is destructive.

 

Things to say to someone who is grieving, without having to take on their feelings:

  •  I’m thinking of you.
  •  I’m sorry you’re in so much pain.
  •  I can see this is painful for you. I wish I could take the hurt away.
  •  I can see how much they mattered to you.
  •  They’d be so proud of you for carrying on.
  •  You’re not on your own. I’m here for you.
  •  I care about you.
  •  Be gentle with yourself.
  •  Sending you love today.
  • They’ll never be forgotten.
  •  They were a special person.
  • Wishing you the best today.

 

I could go on…. but you get the idea….. words. Actual words make a difference. They say ‘I see you…. I understand…. you’re not alone and worthless… this person mattered…. so do you’. Other people get it from each other. As usual I’m left on the floor begging for things like this and still being denied them. Doesn’t matter if it’s people who know me (Facebook), or people who don’t (Twitter)…. it doesn’t matter how privately (Facebook) or publicly (Twitter) I share my feelings of grief and sadness, the result is the same….. nothing. The most anyone will ever do for me now is ‘like’ my posts. And that’s a miracle if they do that!

 

The only time I communicate with others is when I pretend everything’s fine. When I focus on things like photography on Twitter. So that’s what I’m going to do from now on. Pretend I’m not grieving. Pretend I don’t have a mental illness. Pretend I don’t want to kill myself again now. Pretend, pretend, pretend. Fake smile. Fake positivity. Clam up and never talk about my feelings again. Nothing is worse than opening up about your most inner feelings and hearing only silence in response. Nothing.

 

So I am on my own with the pain, the sadness, the loss, and everything that comes with all of that. I’ll be one of those statistics…. where ‘nobody saw it coming’… because I put on an act. I pretend I’m fine, because nobody cares when I’m not. So I will focus on the good. I’ll pretend nothing is wrong. They’ll never see it coming. One day I’ll just disappear from the world and if they even notice, they’ll wonder why I never said anything or reached out for help. They won’t realise the amount of times I did, and was met with frosty silence. They’ll never understand it was their doing.

 

No it’s not imminent, but yes I’m back to believing I will die by my own hand, eventually. It feels certain again. During this lockdown people are probably fearing the virus and thinking that will kill a lot of people. It won’t be the virus that kills people like me, it will be our mental health. It will be the isolation and the hurtful lack of care from others during this time. It’ll be our own minds. I’ve gone a long way backwards since losing my group. I can’t see myself getting back to where I was. It’s all so hopeless right now.

 

Yesterday was Liv’s birthday. Next month will be the first anniversary of her death. People will support each other in the mental health community. Nobody will support me. I’m a nobody. I dread next month. I will probably opt for staying offline… that way I won’t see everyone supporting each other and mentioning it. And I won’t have to face the pain of reaching out and not being noticed. It’s better to keep it all to myself.

 

I had hoped to reach out for bereavement counselling before these two dates, but this damn Coronavirus thing cocked that right up didn’t it. It’s too late now. I needed the support before, to be able to cope with it on my own. But never mind. Just got to try and survive it now, in silence. Nobody wants to hear my grief. That’s what I’ve come to realise. People don’t care. They don’t want to know. It’s probably a case of ‘we all experience it…. suck it up buttercup’. But if we all experience it, then why not show a bit of human warmth and compassion when someone speaks out about their suffering? That’s the bit I don’t understand. If I knew how upsetting something can be, and I saw someone else experiencing it, I would reach out to them to let them know they’re not alone. Why won’t anyone do that for me? The answer always comes back to…. because it’s me. Because I’m worthless. Because they all want to neglect me to my death. It has to be. The way people treat me, or rather don’t treat me…. consistently…. as a larger society…. the only thing they all ever communicate to me is my irrelevance and their desire to see me dead. Otherwise they’d speak to me. They’d make an effort. They’d care.

 

I know everyone has a lot to think about right now with this pandemic, but it would be nice if they could not entirely forget those who need them. You see all these posts about reaching out for help…. or checking in with your friends etc. – I reach out = silence. I have no friends to check in on me. Nobody else will check in on me. I’m a casualty in all this. I’m the forgotten one. And nothing I do will change this fact. It doesn’t matter how loudly I scream… it doesn’t matter how many times I tell people what I need from them…. it doesn’t matter what I do – I could post a video of me with a knife to my own throat – these people will never care, never support and never reach out to me. I will die alone without any one of them giving a damn. This is not depression speaking. This is not my mental illness tricking me into thinking nobody cares. This is consistent evidence that they don’t. And I’m powerless to do anything about it. You can’t make people care. Not without being controlling and manipulative. And I am neither of those things. So I just have to accept I will never matter to anyone. My grief will never matter to anyone. My illness will never matter to anyone. I could literally have a terminal physical illness and these people still wouldn’t talk to me. That’s how worthless I am in this world. Why the fuck am I here? I give up.

 

I miss you Liv. I wish you were still here. You’re the only one who ever cared about me. Now nobody does. To be honest right now I don’t even want anyone else – I just want you back. Without you nothing else matters anymore. But I’ll see you again, in time. It’s just a question of when. Until then I live this nightmare I’d started to escape before the pandemic. I speak into the void, talk to myself and matter to no-one. I’m done with this world and the people in it. Life just isn’t for everyone. You’re always in my heart Liv… until we meet again xx

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tuesday Journal: 07/04/20

*Self-harm*

 

Things I am grateful for: 

  • Family.
  •  Photo challenges to keep my mind busy and keep me looking forward to ‘tomorrow’.
  •  Quiet time with no expectations / responsibilities (except doing the shopping once a week).
  •  Willpower.
  • Diazepam. Had relentless headaches this week, because no matter what I did I couldn’t relax. So took a couple one night, had a really long sleep and felt better for it.

 

What I struggled with:

  • Self-harm…. in response to how I perceived comments from others online & real life.

What I learnt from it: 

  • It’s okay if it happens. It’s a stressful time. I’m doing the best I can. It doesn’t erase all the days I didn’t do it… there are far more days I don’t self-harm. It’s a blip.
  • Maybe I should avoid people and social media around certain times when my emotions might be more fragile.
  • Don’t share opinions online. People love to argue. Acceptance is rare.
  • I need to look after myself when I’m struggling.

 

What I achieved:

  • Spoke to family about what I’ve been struggling with this year – the Wellbeing Centre stuff. The secret was weighing too heavily on me.
  •  A lot of tidying / cleaning. A lot of chores I’d been putting off.
  •  Did the daily photo challenges – only missed yesterday as was too busy.
  • Started making a blanket (crochet).
  •  Did 2 of my initial 5 miles for April (hope to increase from 5 miles but depends on lockdown rules etc.).