I’ve not blogged for some time now…. that’s because life felt a little better for a while. Now it feels like everything is collapsing around me.
I had an MRI on Thursday, where afterwards I was told to not wait until my appointment in January to discuss the results… to chase them up. This told me that they might have seen something on my scan, that I should be concerned about… more than what I already know is there. So, I spent all day Thursday, convinced I have cancer and that I’m going to die.
I already started treatment with medication for my pituitary tumour last week… the side-effects are challenging. I get headaches, tiredness and it’s affecting my mood. I take half a pill once a week. So, I’ll have it say on Monday, have the headaches and tiredness but otherwise be fine with my mood…. but by the end of the week, the levels drop and my mood crashes…. it just so happens that the end of the last two weeks, have left me with things to be upset about… so I spend the weekends feeling suicidal and crying… thinking nobody cares and I have nothing left to live for. I’m hoping it will even out eventually… but right now it’s an emotional rollercoaster and I need support and stability in my life. I don’t feel I have that…. which admittedly could be the low mood talking. But the consistency and safety I need at the end of the week, never seems to be there…. it’s like my support system mimics the emotional rollercoaster. The depression I feel, tells me to push everyone away… stop talking to them, as they don’t care about me. And then they do care about me, and things feel better…. and then the mood crashes again, and the support wains… and the world is ending again, and I have nothing good left in my life. I’m sick of it.
I should have made sure I had a stable support system around me, before I started the treatment… but I had no idea it would affect my mood this badly. Now I just have to muddle through it and hope I can survive it on my own. I just wish I wasn’t on my own. This is a huge deal for me… having to go through all the tests and treatment again…. plus, the anxiety of ‘what is it they’ve seen, that’s so urgent I should chase them up for the result?’… I’m scared. I’m overwhelmed.
And I feel I’m in the process of losing everything and everyone, just when I need them most. The mental health team are looking to discharge me soon. And connections I’ve made, I feel are slipping away. It’s all too much. I just want to feel safe and protected again. I want to be happy. I want to go back three months. Where I am right now is unbearable. It’s too hard to face. But I will face it alone, as I’m on too much of a rollercoaster as it is… I can’t afford to throw ‘uncertainty’ and ‘loss’ into the mix, on top of everything else. If nobody will be there for me, I must be there for myself, purely for myself, by myself. I have to prioritise my health. I have to give myself what others won’t. I know full well I’m holding people at a distance now, and saying ‘I don’t need anyone’… I’m doing that to protect myself from the fact I do need someone but can’t face the rejection that comes with unmet needs. But it is what it is. I feel myself shutting down, unable to communicate with people anymore. I hate this feeling…. this is what ended my 13-year friendship in the past… hopefully these feelings will improve. If not, I’ll be right back where I started after my breakdown two years ago.
It felt so bad on Thursday night that I wished for it to be cancer, and that I’d die, so I didn’t have to endure this life anymore. That’s how alone I feel. That’s how hurt I feel. It’s how hopeless and depressed I feel. If it ends up being the case, I won’t tell anyone outside of my family… because nobody cares anyway. They may care when I’m gone… but unlikely.
I’m sorry this is so negative, but this is the reality of my mood in relation to the treatment for my tumour… this is what I’m having to endure at the end of each week. And as I have nobody to really talk to about it, I need to let it out somewhere. I did talk about all of this at the group I went to today… it helped a little, to have some amount of support, even if it is distant care and support. It’s better than nothing.
I guess time will tell if there’s something wrong…. and hopefully the treatment will help, and the mood changes will ease. I just have to hold on for dear life in the meantime.
Since I no longer want to open my mouth and speak to anyone ever again, I want to express myself in this way… I’m an idiot… ‘a dick’… stupid… useless. The last two days have proven that.
Unfortunately, either due to my mental health or my autism, my memory sucks and I can’t focus or retain information like I used to. I’m also stumbling over my words or going blank in conversation. It started in the Post Office yesterday, when I didn’t catch what the person said to me, then I realised and ended up almost quickly barking a response to her, simply because I felt stupid for not hearing. To be fair, they do still hide behind plastic screens, which do make it harder to hear. But I couldn’t get out of there quick enough.
Then I had a difficult wellbeing group. I left in a slightly delicate state, due to the masking and how exhausting it is… plus anxiety of speaking out… plus the subject… plus sensory overload the whole time due to someone in the group…plus someone mentioning they want to kill themselves, just at the end of the session, which is rather triggering for others…. and then I was in a rush to get the bus….
I got on the bus… same bus driver I didn’t like the previous week, as he drives very fast and is rather arrogant/cocky in my opinion. Whether it was because I thought he remembered me, or because my mind was absent and thinking I was catching the other bus, where the fare is capped at £2 – and if you say you want a single, they’ll cut you off and say £2 before you even finish saying where to… I asked for a single. So of course, he asked a single to where, as if I was stupid… I managed to bumble something about ‘oh yeah you’re not part of the scheme are you…’, in the meantime he’s obviously getting impatient with my stupidity.
So, I say the name of the road I want to go to… apparently that’s not enough for him…. he needs to know whereabouts it is, so he knows the zone…. mate, if you don’t know the roads you’re driving along, maybe you shouldn’t be driving a bus. Unfortunately, my mind went blank at that moment because he was so short and sharp, that it shocked me, but at the same time it felt he was rushing me.
The trouble is, I look like a fully capable person… because I mask. He wouldn’t know I had a hidden disability. To be honest he’s the sort, that even if he knew, it wouldn’t make him any nicer or more patient. I’ve seen enough to know that about him. But I appear neurotypical, so I’m simply viewed as an idiot. Oh and he called me ‘love’, despite probably being younger than me… that also wound me up.
He pulled away very quickly, leaving me flopping into my seat. I was very upset. I nearly had a full meltdown in front of people. I wanted to punch the seats in front of me, or the window. I wanted to find something in my bag or use my nails and harm myself. The urge was overwhelming. I used some of the wellness tools I’ve discovered, to try and calm down. I was virtually crying. I wrote out how I felt. It was only a short bus ride really…. and in crisis mode I decided to leave a note behind, to tell the driver that people like him are the reason I couldn’t leave the house and catch a bus for months on end…. that I’m autistic and the anxiety of getting on the bus is something he couldn’t imagine. I don’t really remember what I said totally, but I said I’d use the other bus company from now on, as even they’re less abrupt than he was.
I feel really shit having left that, but it was that, have a meltdown, or confront the driver (which I wouldn’t have the balls to do). He’ll probably never have seen it anyway. It was so distressing for me… firstly because I hate that my mind is failing me at the moment and there’s nothing I can do about it…. but also because I had come so far to be able to get on buses again on my own… now because of him, I don’t want to catch them anymore…. I’m scared to get on those buses again…. he’s undone so much hard work.
I went home and harmed myself. Probably been at least a couple of months since I hurt myself. Things had been deteriorating for me for a couple of weeks… with the gerbil dying, and a family member now seeming to have unfriended me on Facebook, plus thinking about my friend who killed herself. My CCO’s been off ill, so just had to muddle through for the last month. It was inevitable I would relapse. I didn’t want to start again, because when I do, I can’t stop. Also, once I’ve relapsed it affects my mood even more and makes me more secretive and fragile…. so people don’t know how I’m feeling and why, so often end up upsetting me and not understanding why. Like just now.
Someone told me something, and within five minutes I had forgotten it and made myself look like a total idiot, yet again… they laughed, called me a dick and said, ‘you haven’t forgotten already have you!?’… I hid under a blanket and asked them to not call me a dick… and quietly cried, as it triggered off how stupid I felt yesterday, and the self-harm urges again. I don’t think they realised anything was wrong, as I don’t want to talk about yesterday.
And now I’ve fallen out with someone else, because I don’t want to talk about it all tonight…. so bugger it all. I’m done talking…. I should just go mute. Less trouble that way, and people might be able to see I have a problem, rather than thinking I’m ‘normal’, therefore should be performing better than I’m capable of right now. I feel I should wear the sunflower lanyard, with a note on it saying, ‘I’m autistic and currently a stupid idiot as a result. Sorry’. I do feel I need to warn people that I’m thick, have a shit memory and can’t process things as fast anymore. But really all I want is to be alone. To not go out. Not talk to people. At all. Just isolate myself forever, as I’m clearly too stupid for this fast-paced ‘perfect’ world. And to top it all off, I have to perform for family tomorrow. Fat chance of that being possible right now. Had to take a pill last night. Probably have to do the same tonight too.
Anyway, I’ll shut up now, as I feel stupid even talking on here.
I need to get the thoughts out of my head, as everything’s become too much, and I can’t stop crying. I don’t know how to express what I’m feeling. I want to do it creatively, like write a poem or draw something… but I can’t think of any way to show what’s going on inside me right now…. other than painting a giant black void in front of me… with people around the edge, saying ‘just do this….’, ‘try this instead…’, ‘you have to accept it and move on…’
Everything feels such a mess. Six months ago, I had a therapist and my CCO, who both seemed to understand me as a person, but also what my needs were in regard to the Wellbeing Centre. I had that support around me. I felt they were on my side. We approached them to ask for a meeting. It then took them four months to respond, with a negative response. My CCO and I had chased them up separately, and they replied to my CCO, but not me. December was a busy month for a meeting, so it was left to the new year. My old CCO said they need to get on with it soon after though, for my sake.
I’ve lost my CCO now, as well as my therapist. My exposure work with my support worker has finished, so all I have now is a wellness and recovery group I started a couple of weeks ago…. which doesn’t give much room for talking. I have someone else who I guess is kind of my CCO, but they’re a student and going to leave in about a month. So there’s no stability or consistency there. I don’t feel this person knows enough or understands me. They even said everyone’s somewhere on the autism spectrum… if that was the case, people would understand me, and life would be much easier for those with autism… which according to them, would be all of us.
I’m racing through DBT skills…. basically, having appointments where I’m given worksheets, and reading through them there and then. We’re trying to cram all that in, before they leave next month. I’m going to meet the next CCO next week, but it all feels so uncertain and unstable. I don’t feel safe anymore. I don’t feel understood. I don’t feel supported with the Wellbeing Centre. The one I’m with at the moment suggested leaving it until the end of January as it might be a busy month for the Centre… but that’s ANOTHER three weeks. I’ve waited three f***ing years already. I’ve lived almost two years since my suicidal episode – trying to claw my way back up from hell. I don’t think people realise that from the moment I wake up until I go to sleep, this issue is there constantly… taking up so much space in my head… and I’m in so much pain. It’s not fair to kick the can down the road over and over… this isn’t affecting ANY of them. I’m the one suffering. I shouldn’t have to keep suffering every day because they don’t want to deal with it.
I was already fighting to be understood by the Wellbeing Centre… to be heard… to have my needs met… I now feel my fight is with the CMHT too. Without my old CCO, I feel so alone with this. I can’t talk to my current ‘CCO’, because it’s basically telling them I don’t feel they’re doing a good enough job… I’m certain they don’t want to be dealing with this and me. Of course, I want to feel like an equal with my CCO, but I don’t feel there’s any authority there. I don’t feel supported.
Today we discussed radical acceptance… and nobody gets it – I cannot radically accept a negative ending with the Centre. If I cannot get the positive ending I need and have asked for, then there is absolutely nothing anyone can do to keep me here anymore. There are two options open to me. Resolution of this. Or death. How many times and ways do I have to explain this? Every time I do explain this, I feel ashamed… I get upset… because people will automatically assume I am emotionally blackmailing them… giving an ‘ultimatum’… being dramatic, stubborn, or just trying to get my own way. It’s deeply traumatic for me to have to keep telling people, if I cannot get closure with this, I cannot live anymore…. because every time I have to tell people that… repeating it over and over, because they don’t understand my predicament, I have to face the very real threat that I will be gone soon. I don’t want to be gone. I want this issue to be gone. I just want the Centre… or rather the one person at the Centre, who can resolve this simply… to help me let go of this, so that I can start picking up the pieces and rebuilding a life. Without it, I have no life.
I wish it was different. I wish I was ‘normal’. The only way I could keep on living with things the way they are now… is to have a total memory wipe… factory reset – new personality… and make sure I’m neurotypical next time. That’s the only way. Otherwise, I have to carry this with me for the rest of my life. And given that THIS is the very reason I even opened my stupid mouth, and shared my issue with the Wellbeing Centre in the first place – that I feared such a sudden, negative ending with ‘X’… I honestly cannot carry this much longer than I already have. Certainly not forever.
As my current CCO said the other day ‘I don’t know why they won’t just do the meeting’. Neither do I. It would be so simple. Okay, not as simple as what I originally asked them for three years ago, which they also rejected. But actions andinactions have consequences… it would never have escalated to this point if they’d accepted the massive compromise I offered back then. Or the slightly smaller compromises I offered over the last three years. They forced it to a complaint situation. They forced it to a suicide attempt. They forced it to me leaving the service for good, as I can no longer look them in the eye or trust them. Now it’s about goodbye. Now it’s about moving on. I already made the hardest decision of my life by choosing to never go back… meaning I never see ‘X’ again. They won. They got rid of me. All I’m asking is they meet with me and give me the positive ending I deserve and need now.
The mental health team want me to be prepared that they might still say no. I can’t prepare for that. There is no preparation needed because there is no outcome where I make it out alive, if that’s the case. If they say no, I walk out of there a dead woman. And they will know that. So they will be happily signing my death warrant. I’m not trying to manipulate them into doing what I want… I’m trying to explain to them how vital this is and why… because it’s what I need and there is no other option for me.
But I feel no matter who I say it to, or how I say it… nobody will understand. Nobody truly knows what it’s like in my head, and how black and white this issue is now. There are no other alternatives. Neurotypicals may think there are. But there aren’t. It’s a fact people need to ‘radically accept’. It’s not on me to change and pretend to be neurotypical so that others don’t have to do things they’d rather not do…. I shouldn’t have to change to fit into a neurotypical world, and act in neurotypical ways, if I am not neurotypical. The neurotypicals of this world can and should change to accommodate my needs. They can be flexible. They can find alternatives for themselves… ways to make it happen. I literally cannot live with things the way they are. It’s impossible. There is a wall of black in my mind, when I try to picture a negative outcome from this. There is nothing there.
If they do end up giving me the closure I need, and I survive this… I will make it my life’s goal to try to find a way to make ‘normal’ people understand neurodivergent / autistic minds, and to fight for our rights, our needs to be met, and for us to be accepted for who we are, rather than people trying to change US to fit into ‘THEIR’ world. Society needs to change. Attitudes need to change. Mental f***ing health services and charities need to change.
I feel a slight blessing that I know I’m autistic now… as I understand myself more and feel more self-compassion. But at the same time, I feel more frustrated, as I recognise my needs more now. I understand my own mind better, but I still feel trapped inside it. I can’t communicate to those around me, who I am and why I need what I need. I want to advocate for myself more but feel I’m talking like an alien to most people. They don’t get it.
I don’t know what to do about the mental health team stuff… I want to talk to someone about it. I can’t talk to the person I’m seeing at the moment. I don’t even know what the next one looks like or how supportive she might be. WRAP starts tomorrow at the group. There’s not really any time to talk to the only person I do trust in the team at the moment. In the meantime, I have to approach the Centre myself to arrange a meeting with a couple of them… not knowing who I would even take to support me. I don’t feel anyone has my back like my CCO did. It’s all such a mess. I’ve been trying to power through everything but reached breaking point today. Nothing feels okay right now. I don’t feel safe.
I just had to let it out somewhere. I don’t have someone to talk to about this anymore.
Happy Christmas and New Year. It would have been nice to be able to see you before Christmas, to wish you that. It would have been nice to have just one Christmas and New Year, that I could enjoy and not feel was going to be my last. It would’ve been nice to go into a new year without taking you into it.
I’d hoped we could have had the meeting my CCO requested. I don’t yet understand the reasons you said no. I hope to discover that when I meet with your colleagues in the new year. I still probably won’t understand. Having no reason given, has left me considering ALL possibilities. I have an answer to each one. If it’s because you hate me – I hate myself. If it’s because you liked me too… get over it. I’ve had to. If it’s because of your own anxieties / reservations / fears – we need to discuss them so I can reassure you and find ways to accommodate your own needs whilst you consider mine. If it’s because of your health or personal life, then okay, but if you’re working there and doing the job you did before, then you’re capable of sitting in on this meeting. If it’s because you just don’t want to… that’s just not good enough.
I need to be free. I need peace. I need closure. I never wanted to say goodbye to you. That was the problem. I feared the loss of you. That’s all it ever was. Last year I made the choice to not come back to the centre. I took on that loss that I didn’t want. So, I’ve already got what I didn’t want. Please let me get a little bit of what I DO want…. a positive ending with you. A goodbye from you. That’s not too much to ask. If you think it is, then you must realise we are only at this point because you said no when I compromised massively. When I asked for 5% of what I needed. You said no then. It has escalated to this point because of that.
I don’t mean to disrespect your personal boundaries. You have a right to say no without an explanation. But you need to realise my stance too. I’m not being manipulative. I’m not being awkward. I’m not being stubborn. I’m not being dramatic. I’m not CHOOSING this. I’m neurodivergent. I see only two options that I can stomach. One is dependent on you saying yes to this meeting and giving me a positive ending. The other is for me to not exist anymore. I don’t want that to be the outcome. I wish there was a third option. To neurotypicals there would be multiple options… compromises. But I compromised enough already and was met with unreasonable responses. It’s time you all compromise with me. We’re at that stage now – you never have to see me again after this. That breaks me, but for you it will be a relief.
You’ve had three years away from me almost. Away from this issue, apart from when it’s popped up to annoy you. You’ve had peace in regard to this. Every single waking moment of my life in the last three years has been about this. The pain of this – of losing you… that was hard enough without thinking you hate me. The fact you keep saying no, when my only other option genuinely is suicide, tells me you hate me that much that you want me to be dead.
When I’ve only ever cared about you and wished the best for you, I just find that incredibly upsetting. I just wanted you to hear me out. To come along and hear what I have to say. The frustrating thing is that if you heard what I had to say, you’d agree to the meeting, but until you hear what I have to say you don’t want to attend it. There’s really no way around this though, other than agreeing to the meeting. I can’t give you what I was going to read out to you, because WRITING is the problem – it’s led to so many misunderstandings from all of you. I have to say it to your face, for you to understand me and not misinterpret my intentions. I cannot do that until you meet with me. And you won’t do that because you are obviously misunderstanding me.
Maybe you’re holding onto things I said or did in the past. That’s unfair. I was having a breakdown the last time I sent an email your way. I believed I would be gone from this world within weeks. I’m ashamed of the past. I’m not in the past. I’ve had therapy since. I’ve been with CMHT for about 18 months. They helped patch me up and get me back on my feet. Unfortunately waiting four months for a reply from the centre, and then hearing it’s a no from you, has knocked me back pretty much to the start. So unfortunately, what I wanted to share with you is now no longer the case. But if you had met with me / us, you would have discovered that I was doing better. You can’t hold me to the past. That’s not right.
The meeting was not about attacking you, as a person or as a service. Yes, I may have mentioned the complaint situation, purely from a point of explaining my triggers of being misunderstood / rejected / unheard etc… things that you have now also triggered. But what I had to say was not about you, it was about me. It was to explain… to feel heard and understood as a person. It was to tell you the positive (but appropriate) things I felt towards you. It was to wish you well. It was to tell you the impact a positive ending would have on me, and why I needed that. To show you what I’ve learnt in therapy, to explain what happened. It was in the hope you could say kind words to me, like my therapist and now my CCO did when I lost them. To give me the sort of ending I need and have never had with people that mattered to me… people who I may have had some form of ‘conflict’ with. I needed that repair. That healing. And being wished well regardless. I needed to hear goodbye. So that I can start to grieve you. Positively. If you refuse this, you’re no better than anyone who I knew personally from my past, who hurt me and then ghosted me. That leaves me with the only option of hating you. Putting you in the ‘dead to me’ pile. Believe me, I don’t want to do that.
This isn’t like a personal situation. It shouldn’t feel like one. You’re effectively a ‘professional’. This should feel like a professional situation. You would’ve had support. I would’ve had support – something I didn’t have in the past when you used to have a chaperone. I didn’t have somebody in MY corner, regardless of what you as a service said. You were not on my side. I know that, now I’ve experienced having somebody on my side. I have a right to be heard. I would like that to be in that meeting. It’s better than posting it online. What you’re doing at the moment is damaging me further. If I could’ve explained to you my CAT map, you’d understand this. I can’t do that unless I see you.
The meeting was going to be positive. It had to be. Originally it may have allowed me to use the service in the future if I needed to. But the experiences I’ve had with you all, have scarred me badly. I can’t see that I could ever trust you as a service ever again. So it’s unlikely I would come back. Choosing to leave and never see you again, was the hardest decision I ever made in my life. I didn’t have a choice. I had just nearly ended my life a couple of weeks earlier. You will never fully understand what the last two / three years have done to me. That’s a burden only I will carry and know throughout my life.
That life won’t be very long though at this rate. I honestly cannot live with things in the state they still are in. I never could. I have to be able to live with the outcome of this. There is only ONE outcome now that I can live with, given that I’ve already lost you. I wish I was being manipulative or dramatic. That would mean I had other options that I could live with. But I don’t. Those who suggest alternatives don’t have to live with this inside them, forever. And I honestly cannot live with the outcome we currently have. So I need it to change.
What I had to say was for the benefit of everyone. It would have made everyone feel better. That’s what annoys me. It wasn’t a whinge-fest. It wasn’t negative. It wasn’t a threat to anyone. But you won’t hear me out. So it makes me more negative sounding. It’s annoying. Because you’ve turned it from a positive, healing thing, to that desperate, suicidal thing again. But that’s not who I am and it’s not the purpose of the meeting. That’s just the result of me being unheard, overlooked, misunderstood and rejected, when my intentions were pure and positive. It’s so frustrating.
Why can’t you just meet with us and let me say goodbye to you? Why can’t you allow me to let you go? Don’t you want me to let you go? Don’t you want this to finally be over? I can only assume not. I can only assume you want me to suffer or to die, or you don’t want to let ME go. That seems unlikely and makes no sense to me, but I have to consider it as an option given the lack of information we’ve had. Please reconsider. Please. It’s my life on the line here.
I have to hide all of this over Christmas. I’ve hidden it all year. I’ve hidden that we’ve tried to get this meeting. I’ve hidden how long it took to get a response. I’ve hidden the response. I’ve hidden that I’ve set a new date for me to leave this world as a result of that response. I’ve had to pretend to be better than I am. It’s such a burden, and to have to carry this over this time of year… AGAIN… it sickens me. Why can’t you free me and let me go? Why can’t you just level with me here? This will be the most important thing you’ll ever do in your career…. saving a life. Why is it such a big deal to see me and wish me well and say goodbye? I know it’s asking a lot to request that you say nice things to me. I always used to have to drag kind sentiments out of friends in the past. So I know that I’m not somebody that people actually care about / miss / value. If people felt it, they wouldn’t need me to ask them to say it. So I know I’m not a likeable person. But this isn’t personal. This is professional. You could’ve pretended to give a damn. You could’ve pretended that I matter as a person and that you wish me well. But you don’t want to do that. Just like my friends in the past didn’t want to do that. You have no idea how worthless this has made me feel.
Anyway, I hope you have a wonderful Christmas with the people you do care about… those who are allowed to care about you. You have no clue what it’s like to be rejected for caring about somebody you can never have in your life….and for fearing losing them. To need a goodbye and be denied it.
But you have a good Christmas, I’ll have my last. And I hope 2023 is a good year for you and the ones you love. I only ever thought the best of you. I’m sorry you didn’t want that.
I miss you so much at the moment Liv. I miss you every day and carry you with me in my heart in everything I do. But particularly at the moment I wish you were here. I miss my Westlife buddy. We would always talk about them – their songs, albums, tours. We were meant to see them together.
I saw them at the start of this month. I was front row centre. I imagined you standing in the aisle next to me, or sat on the step the other side of the barrier. I experienced it for you. I know I’m never alone. I know you’re still with me and all around me. But I did miss talking to you about it afterwards. I don’t really have anyone to share it with anymore. I told family, but they don’t really care about all that. You can’t make yourself show interest in things you’re not interested in. I know that too well, in regards to football!
I shared some photos online and was going to share videos. But without you here to comment on them and discuss it, it feels pointless. I always miss you when Westlife things happen.
I also miss you because it’s almost Christmas. I know how much you loved Christmas. So it brings you to the front of my mind each year. This is the fourth Christmas without you here. I try to enjoy it for you but it’s been hard. For other reasons Christmas just isn’t enjoyable for me. I put on a front for others… to get through it. My heart’s not in it anymore though.
I just miss my lovely friend and I can’t wait until the day I see you again. I hope wherever you are there are loads of puppies… and that you’re happy and love yourself more than you did in life. I love you Liv. There’s a hole in the world where you used to be. I wish you knew how important you were. Happy Christmas lovely Liv xxxx
*Talks about my breakdown in 2021, and my suicidal intentions*
On May 7th, 2019, my one remaining friend, who I’d known for thirteen years, ended her own life. She was a wonderful person with a beautiful soul. She was my biggest cheerleader, and the only one who never once hurt me or let me down. She was the epitome of what a friend should be. She was lovely… she just couldn’t see it and couldn’t outlive her demons. I remember finding out and what it did to me. So many emotions followed – one was anger. Anger feels like a taboo response to suicide, as so many activists shout about suicide not being selfish… so it makes people think it’s wrong to be angry with their loved one for ending their own pain whilst passing it on to others. Even saying this, I fear people would attack me for saying such words. But the reality is people do feel angry when someone ends their life, and there’s nothing wrong with that. People say those left behind won’t experience as much pain and suffering as the suicidal person did, to make them end their life. But they don’t know that. Suicide is often one of those things that leaves loved ones contemplating the same fate.
Ever since she left, I have wanted to join her. I have envied her. My mental health deteriorated massively after she died. It was already awful. People say not to make the tragic loss of someone to suicide all about you… that it’s all about that person. Yes, it is about them and their pain… but as soon as they end their life it forms part of someone else’s story. It does affect other people. Suicidal people just can’t see that when they’re in that place… as they’re in too much pain themselves and they just want that pain to stop.
I know this as in 2021, on the second anniversary of my loss, I planned to join her. I had been going through something deeply traumatic since before the lockdowns and had tried unsuccessfully to resolve it. I knew if it couldn’t be resolved and lockdowns continued, I wouldn’t make it. I tried every avenue I could think of as I knew I was fighting for my life. But totally cornered, isolated and with every other door slammed in my face, it left me only one option… to end my life.
I wanted peace. It felt like the only other way to attain that. I was in so much emotional pain and distress…. more than anyone will ever know. Any trust I had in people was destroyed. My recovery was wrecked. I had been self-harming almost every day for months… to the point I couldn’t do any of the creative things I enjoyed. I stopped doing my walking I had done the previous year. I withdrew. I had nothing to hold onto anymore… nothing to live for, except my family. But even that wasn’t enough back then. I remember seeing the faces of my friend’s family at her funeral. I thought I could never do that to my own family. But that’s something she used to say too – that she wouldn’t put them through that. And she did. So, who’s to say I also wouldn’t?
I was in the darkest, loneliest place I’ve ever been in. I was terrified of my own mind. I didn’t know what I was capable of. What I was experiencing was too overpowering for me to stay alive for my family.
I started planning my death a couple of months in advance. In a perverse way, having the date kept me safer, as I just had to hold on until that date. I would stay up late at night, writing goodbye notes, researching how to do it, looking into acquiring anything I might need. I lived my life as though everything was a last time… the last time I’d see a person or a place. I pictured life without me. When future events were mentioned, I thought ‘I won’t be here for that’. I felt so much guilt about what I would put my family through…but I felt I had no other choice.
To start with the only person who knew what I was struggling with was my doctor. I had to reluctantly tell her about my suicidal intentions. She referred me to the acute mental health team, who phoned the next day. I was put under shared care and had phone calls every other day, and a home visit or two. It was all new to me and scary. I don’t like to think about that time very much.
While all of this was going on, I had people hounding me to deal with the issue, but given I was days away from being gone, I couldn’t handle it anymore. It got too much, and I broke down in front of my parents, told them what was happening and that I would soon be gone. I can’t imagine how distressing that would’ve been for them. It was for me. They’ve been my rock. They stepped in to handle the issue… to take the pressure off of me. But the damage had already been done. I was broken and exhausted mentally, physically and spiritually. I was emotionally scarred and traumatised, and the issue never got resolved. Even to this day it’s unresolved… this leaves me at the same crossroads I found myself at in 2021, and always will do until it is resolved.
On the day I intended to leave, a man from shared care came out to see me. It helped to talk… to feel seen, heard, validated. To experience sympathy and care – even if the mask caused an emotional disconnect for me. I hadn’t seen anyone else for a long time. I had stopped going out of the house by this time… and would spend many months unable to do so. So, interacting with another human felt odd to me.
With my family and the mental health team being aware of my intentions for that day, it made it harder for me to leave the house and do anything I had intended to. It reduced my options. I sat in the garden that evening, by the memorial I had set up for my friend the previous year during the first lockdown. I felt the breeze in my hair, the warmth of the sun on my skin. I heard the birds singing. I started to cry. I was so desperate for it to be the last time I’d hear the birds, feel the sun or the breeze. The urge to die was so intense.
I felt such a failure for having not yet followed through on it. I wished I hadn’t told anyone, as it restricted me. I vowed never to tell anyone again, as it stopped me doing it. People say it’s a good thing I reached out. Rationally I’d agree, but it didn’t feel like it at the time, and I even still battle those thoughts almost two years later.
To the last moment of that day, I wanted it to be my last – even attempting something when I went to bed, before stopping myself. Nobody knows about that. I didn’t know what tomorrow would bring. I hadn’t planned beyond that day. What would happen? There would be no safety net of some future date. I could become impulsive. I was terrified.
The suicidal thoughts continued long after that day. More than once I’ve picked new dates and told nobody about them. More than once I’ve researched or considered doing things and told nobody. Suicide is always there now, lurking in the background. I wonder if it’ll ever leave me alone now. With the thing that led to it still so unresolved, it leaves me feeling vulnerable to it. In some ways I’m in the same place I was two years ago. The only difference is I have more support. I have someone in my corner.
I’m under the CMHT and I had a care co-ordinator I got on well with… sadly she’s left now. I’ve had a support worker to try and help me get out of the house more and back on buses. Leaving the house is so difficult, even now.
I did CAT (cognitive analytical therapy) for four or five months. I got on really well with my therapist, and it was sad to lose her. But it was the first positive ending I’ve had in my whole life. I told her my fear that she would instantly forget me. She reassured me that wouldn’t be the case. As a result, I now no longer care if I’ve been forgotten. By giving me a positive ending, she reduced any emotional attachment I had towards her. Same with my care co-ordinator. Thankfully with CAT they are aware of the pain of endings and work on creating a positive ending, which has been severely lacking in my life.
I’ve learnt a lot about my mind. I now have a physical representation of it (my CAT map). I know my main issues are being misunderstood, unheard and rejected. I know how these roles keep playing out in relationships with others. I wish everyone would do CAT and learn about themselves – we might all be a bit gentler with each other and more understanding of each other’s feelings if we could all reflect on our emotional patterns. It’s been interesting and will be an important part of my recovery.
I still have a long way to go with my recovery. Even if my time with the CMHT is running out, the reason I ended up with them is very much still a problem. But one thing that’s come from my breakdown and seeing the mental health team, is that I’ve been referred for an autism assessment. I rejected the suggestion at first but having done my own research, I now firmly believe I’m on the spectrum – my whole life makes sense now. And the problem that led to me nearly ending my life, which is still ongoing, makes more sense too. I realised I have been masking all of my life – ever since people rejected who I was at school. I learnt how to act to feel somewhat accepted or included. I learnt to put others’ feelings ahead of my own… wanting them to feel comfortable, appreciated, loved etc. despite never getting any of that back. Masking felt like the only way to have friendships, as whenever I could no longer mask, I lost people. Whenever I revealed a deep part of my true self to anyone, it made them uncomfortable. That taught me I have to keep masking forever, so as not to lose people or make others feel bad.
It’s become easier to close off and not have connections with others, as I don’t have the energy for masking anymore, but experience has taught me I won’t be accepted for who I am, and to be honest I don’t know how to not mask outside of my house. I’ve been doing it for 30 years.
This isn’t a story about how I nearly ended my life but ‘look at how great my life is now’. That’s not always realistic. Sometimes there’s no happy ending and we have to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and hope we make it. If you’re in the same boat, I hope you make it, and I’ll do everything I can to keep going too. I’ve thrown myself into painting, piano, crochet and nature, all in a bid to raise my vibration, for the greater good. My breakdown led to a spiritual awakening, and I know my purpose now… so I just hope I can get the outcome I need, to enable me to stick around and fulfil that purpose.
In 2021, I experienced a breakdown, as a result of an issue that started before the lockdowns of 2020. This led to me choosing the date I would leave this world. It was to be the second anniversary of the suicide of my one remaining friend. It felt like my only option. I couldn’t get the resolution I needed… the situation was spiralling out of control. Everything I feared was manifesting. I was isolated, cornered, severely misunderstood. Doors were slammed in my face and there was no way for me to find peace. I couldn’t continue living with things in the state they were in. I just wanted the pain to stop. I wanted my mind to stop. I needed peace. And as nobody would help me find that peace in life, I was forced to seek that peace in death.
My doctor referred me to the crisis team, where I was put with shared care under the CMHT, until assigned a care co-ordinator (CCO). In the last 18 months I have done a lot of work. I’ve had to have a support worker to try and help me leave the house, as anxiety and depression have stopped me going out. I also didn’t trust myself to leave the house, as that’s what I’d intended to do when I was going to end my life. I’m just finishing some exposure work now, where I’ve managed to get back to catching buses. It’s been exhausting work but it’s nice to have that independence back.
I also did CAT (cognitive analytical therapy), where I created a CAT map – a physical representation of the inner workings of my mind. It helped me identify patterns that keep repeating in relationships. I now know my triggers are being unheard, misunderstood and rejected. And I know how I react to these triggers and how that can sometimes feed the problem. I learnt a lot. It hasn’t changed a huge amount in my life, but I at least have a means to explain things better now.
A lot of time has been spent looking at how to resolve the issue that led to my suicide bid in the first place. It’s been an obstacle to my recovery. It still is, but I’m doing my best to stay strong and fight for what I need.
The thing that’s helped me is realising I may be on the autism spectrum. They screen for it now in the CMHT. I had never considered it and rejected the suggestion at first. But I did my own research and my whole life makes a lot more sense as a result. From lifelong physical issues to picky eating, sensory / emotional overload, my meltdowns. To always feeling like an outsider, different, misunderstood. I have a lot more self-compassion now I know why I am the way I am, and why things happened how they did.
I can now see why issues with friends came up. They thought I was ‘neurotypical’ like them. So, they held me to that standard. They expected me to just move on from things without discussing them. They expected me to accept things I physically could not accept. I was even accused of giving one of them an ultimatum I never gave. This is due to a difference in perception. From a neurotypical perspective it might have appeared that way. From my perspective I was simply communicating my discomfort and distress, and I had difficulty being able to live with things the way they were.
I realise that, now I’m facing another situation. I’m in a position where there are literally only two outcomes for me – positive closure or suicide. It is totally understandable to me, as someone who has pretended to be neurotypical for 30 years, that neurotypicals would see that as an ultimatum… manipulative… stubborn… “threatening suicide” to “get my way”. I wish that were so. That would mean I actually had other choices but chose to have ‘ending my life’ as the only other option. I get how outsiders would view this. But they don’t know what it’s like inside a neurodivergent mind like mine. There are honestly no other outcomes that I can actually live with. It is a highly emotive situation. It involves loss and endings.
Endings are incredibly hard for me. People from my past never gave me good endings. Most gave me no ending at all and just cut me out or ghosted me. Until the mental health team, I had never had a good ending to anything in my life. CAT therapy took into account my difficulties with endings. My therapist wrote a letter and read it to me, and I read one back to her. I shared my fear of her instantly forgetting me. She reassured me she wouldn’t. She said she learnt a lot from me, would miss our sessions and will probably wonder how I’m doing in the future. As a result of the reassurances that she gave and the positive ending she provided, I’m at the point I no longer care if I’ve been forgotten.
Similarly, my care co-ordinator recently left. She gave me a positive ending. She let me share my sentiments and returned them. She said she would miss me, and she wished me well. She said in real life we’d probably have been friends. She even gave me a hug goodbye. Then after our last phone call I got off the phone and cried… simply because I’d never really been told goodbye before. It was so new to me, to have a positive ending, to be wished well and hear goodbye on good terms. I feel this will be so healing for me – down the line the pain of losing her will be less because of the ending.
I’m currently in need of a similar positive ending with someone else. I never wanted the ending, especially under the circumstances involved. But given how much negativity was involved, I need a positive resolution and closure so I can move on. They may fear that by giving me what I ask for, it will increase my emotional attachment – it is in fact the opposite. I now know it would reduce the emotional attachment I feel. It would free me. I need to feel they don’t hate me, like I’ve felt they do. Every time my requests are rejected it confirms that they do hate me. That they don’t care if I live or die. Because in my head I cannot live with things in the state they are in. I can’t go on. So, if they refuse to say goodbye and wish me well, they want me to die.
I can’t help the black and white thinking. A lot of the time I see more colour than most people do. But when it’s something so emotionally painful and personal for me, I struggle to see colours. It’s not a case that people can help me to see a third option. Any options they see are neurotypical options, made for neurotypical minds who do not have to live with the outcome of this … minds that can let go. I know without a positive ending on this one issue, I won’t be here. It’s a certainty. It’s no threat, and I honestly do not want that to be the outcome. But it’s the only other outcome for me. I wish I could get neurotypical people to see inside my head and understand my position on this. Because they will probably mischaracterise me as dramatic, manipulative, controlling or whatever other words they think apply to me. When in reality I just face an impossible choice… to get to say goodbye to someone I don’t want to lose, or to die. I have to put my life in the hands of someone else’s decision – I can’t make them do what I need… so really, I have no control.
But this will never end until it’s resolved. So that’s why my head goes to suicide, because I’ve had three years of torment with this. Not one moment of peace from it, while the people involved have had that peace and space from it and me. My head and my heart can only take so much of it. I’ve kept fighting because I’ve always known without a positive outcome, I would die. And I didn’t want to die. So, I’ve fought for my life for three years. I will keep fighting for it until I no longer can. Every day I’ve lived with this burden, has traumatised me more and more. I don’t know how much more of it I can take. But I fight because it’s all I’ve got.
At the start I compromised a lot. I asked for 5% of what I needed and had it rejected. Now what I’m asking for seems a lot bigger, but I honestly cannot compromise on it anymore. I know that will make me seem unreasonable to neurotypicals… but I’ve faced ‘unreasonable’ myself the whole time, and people unwilling to co-operate or compromise with me. The fact is neurotypical people find it easier to compromise. It’s easier to see other options and to accommodate the needs of autistic / neurodivergent people.
The one thing that bothers me is this idea that autistic folk are the problem and need to adjust to fit into a neurotypical world. We have to change. I don’t accept this. The world should change to include us and accommodate our needs and limitations. And that’s what I’m going to fight for.
All my life I masked so that I might be accepted by my peers. Throughout school and college, I changed and over the years I hid my true self more and more. This is probably the cause of a lot of my mental health issues. It probably led to many misunderstandings in friendships, as I appeared ‘neurotypical’ so people expected things from me that I could not fulfil. I didn’t know back then that I may be autistic. I knew I was different, but I tried not to be too different. Whenever I shared too much of myself or let the mask down a bit, people abandoned me.
Similarly, I shared how I felt about somebody and doing so apparently made them ‘uncomfortable’. My masking has always been about making other people more comfortable, at the expense of my own comfort. It’s always been about making sure that other people feel okay – valued, appreciated and above all, comfortable. So, to hear that when I let my walls down and revealed a part of the true me, it made someone uncomfortable…that was the hardest thing to face. Experiences like this teach me to maintain the mask at all times or I will be rejected for who I am and how I truly feel.
My mask made people believe I was stronger than I was. More confident and friendly than I felt inside. More able than I was… ‘insightful’, so not needing as much support. It may have made me seem more aloof – like I didn’t need anyone. Perhaps that I didn’t feel negative emotions when I did. Apparently at school when I was bullied and had people throw things at me, I never reacted at all. It was as if they weren’t doing anything to me. I don’t understand why I did this. But I probably felt it was better to not show how I really felt, otherwise I’d never be accepted. I also struggled with smiling as a child. I rarely did at school. I’d constantly have people telling me to smile. All these little things that show society expects people to not be autistic. To change and ‘be more normal’. No. Society needs to change. I’m done changing for other people.
I’m a highly sensitive person. I care a lot about people but feel too scared to share that with them, because nobody likes me caring about them. But that is who I am. I may not share my care with people again now. I will more than likely avoid people altogether, because I’m too tired and drained to wear a mask for society anymore. And if caring about people makes them uncomfortable or makes them reject and hurt me, then it’s better to be completely alone. This is the struggle I face in my life. I don’t fit in here. All I want is people to accept my feelings and to validate me and tell me it’s okay to be who I am in my heart. To feel how I feel and to express that. And then for them to not reject or abandon me when I do let my walls down. Is that too much to ask?
*Depending on your current state of awakening (i.e. what you know about) you may find this post offensive – if so, please know it’s not my intention, and please do also understand this is not the theme of this blog generally – it’s in response to the daily prompt and is a great part of the struggles I face at the moment. But if this post isn’t for you, I hope you will come back and check out my mental health posts at a later date. There are many sides to a person. This is just one aspect of my reality. My views and my experience of the last three years don’t change who I am or the mental health challenges I face (on top of everything written in this post). Thanks for reading if you do*
Who do I envy? I envy those susceptible to mind-control and hypnosis. The last three years have seen a worldwide mass hypnosis of the global population. The offender? The television and the newspapers – the media. My battle is with that media, not those currently under their control.
It has been incredible to watch from the outside, as people fall for every single PSYOP and every piece of propaganda pumped out through the television. I stopped watching the news over a year ago. I subsequently don’t know what they’re now telling people on the ‘news’. I can tell you one thing though – it will be lies. If it’s in the news, it’s fake. If it’s NOT in the news, it’s reality. They tell you what they want you believe, and they tell you how to feel about it too.
I learnt about propaganda when I did history at secondary school…. how quickly a nation / world forgets. Take the Russia situation for example… the ‘war’ starts, and the Russian news channel is completely banned in the UK. To some this would seem a good idea – a punishment for a perceived crime… to me, it appears as though we do not want to hear both sides of the story… we want to simply push our own narrative and tell people what to believe about it. Why not let people watch the news from Russia, and make up their own minds on the truth?
The same with all the censorship and ‘fact-checking’ on social media – why not allow discussion of ideas and let people come to their own conclusions? That’s the sort of world I want to live in – the sort of world I thought we DID live in. It changed so rapidly, to this dystopian, totalitarian world, with thought police, and those intent on hiding the truth from the public. If what people are saying is really untrue or it’s ‘conspiracy theory’, then why feel so threatened? Why not let it stand and let those people look foolish? The only reason you would censor people is to hide what you do not want the public to know. If you see something ‘fact-checked’ by Facebook, I can almost guarantee you there is truth in what was shared. Anything ‘fact-checked’ is true. They just don’t want you to know it. If it was incorrect, they’d simply let it stand.
People have a right to discuss issues and think and say what they wish on ANY topic. People have the right to access any and all information, from all perspectives of an argument, and make up their own mind what they believe. With censorship, there can be no honesty… no trust… no informed consent – to anything. Anyone who thinks they provided informed consent for the injection of substances into their body, is sadly one of those susceptible to the hypnosis. They were never given access to all of the information. I’m 99.9% sure those in the medical profession did not inform them of the true possible side-effects. They did not tell them the truth about how ‘safe and effective’ they really were. They lied. It’s coming out now – if you’re not under the effects of the hypnosis. Some are still too lost in their televisions and newspapers to notice. And there was so much censorship online about those injections. You couldn’t discuss it. They locked people down, meaning people could not gather and have conversations in person about these things – this meant people had to make their own minds up, based on what the media told them… what the bought and paid for doctors told them… because anything against the drug-pushing was censored online.
I envy those who even to this day, do not realise what’s really going on. Those who still believe every narrative put out there – political ones… wars… pandemics… insurrections… I cannot even begin to imagine what life must be like for these people who live in ignorant bliss. Yes, they are controlled by fear and anger – something that left me over a year ago, once I woke up to the truth. So in that way their lives must be chaotic at times… but they believe in the stories they’re told. They actually have it easier than the rest of us. So many people now, are awake… we’ve broken the spell – or were never under it… it’s been worse for us. One day I will tell that story in full. But for now, let’s just say that knowing what reality is, and watching friends and family and basically the whole country fall for every distraction tactic… for every bit of fear porn… for every rage-baiting piece of propaganda… it’s the most frustrating thing. People have chosen division and hatred. They still do. Instead of uniting with us against the puppet-masters, they do their bidding – dividing us by race, gender, religion, political stance. Left and right wings are part of the same bird. Men, women, black, white, every religion – we are all on the same side once we decide to be. We are not each other’s enemy. The global ‘elite’ – those in charge, are the real enemy. And once we all unite against them, it’s game over for them. There’s a heck of a lot more of us than them. The trouble is too many of us are completely asleep to what’s happening and continue to fight each other.
People were conned into poisoning themselves. How we got there is another story altogether. I know too many people affected by that poison, yet we are still in a situation where a lot of people would queue up to inject more into their system. They haven’t broken free of the television – I keep telling people, just turn it off, for good. Stop reading mainstream news. Until you do, you will never be a free-thinking being. Stop fearing being labelled a conspiracy theorist…. it’s the best thing to be right now, as all conspiracy theories are coming true.
While I understand why people have done the things they’ve done – fear… I have to say I envy how simple their life has been these past three years. They rolled their sleeves up, got injected, probably got ill several times afterwards and said ‘So grateful for the jabs – could’ve been a lot worse without it’… no my friend, you cannot possibly know that – you may never have got ill if you hadn’t taken it… and these people carried on in their ‘new normal’ they accepted with no issue. They put their dirty piece of cloth over their mouths, reducing oxygen intake, increasing carbon dioxide intake and inhalation of bacteria on that cloth… stood two metres apart… went one-way around a shop… stood on stickers telling them where to stand… downloaded an app on their phone, to allow them to live their lives ‘freely’… they stuck things in their throats and right up their noses weekly / daily depending on the level of addiction… and got disappointed when the little stick told them they had ‘the ‘rona’. They shared their proof of injection cards online…. their stickers to say they’re good boys and girls for doing it… they shared photos of their positive tests, complaining about their self-imposed quarantines… they changed their profile pictures to tell the world they’d been jabbed…. or to wear a mask… or to stay at home (I did this at the start – shows you how far I’ve come).
They sat and criticised those who chose not to be injected… calling them selfish… scared of needles (WTF??)… dangerous… granny-killers. They said we shouldn’t be allowed NHS treatment… that their kind should be prioritised. They said we should be excluded from society – banned from all public spaces as a punishment for not conforming. Many unjabbed people were ostracised by family and friends. Relationships were destroyed because our opinions were rejected by the compliant herd. They said we should have things taken away from us, until we complied. They said we still had a choice. We could choose to be injected and have our freedom, or we could choose to not be injected and have no life. They said all of these things without flinching. They saw nothing wrong in what they said. This is because the mind-control of the media was so intense that it programmed people to behave in this way towards us. They provoked such immense fear in people, that it somehow excused any and all behaviours they displayed. They thought it was acceptable given the circumstances. And now they want an amnesty. They want us to just forgive and forget. Well, they certainly want us to forget. I’m not sure they want forgiveness, as that would mean acknowledging they did something wrong – that hasn’t happened yet. They just don’t want to be held accountable for their actions at all.
They even wished death on us. Here’s a good image I saw online….
It’s very true. People took that stuff and wished death or harm on those who chose not to take it. In the meantime we sat back, watching helplessly as loved ones injected themselves with God knows what, over and over again…. silently pleading for them to stop. Knowing the risks they were taking in doing so. Unable to do anything about it. Praying for their health and survival. And now, as the longer-term side-effects are appearing, feeling sick that we were right. We never wanted to be right. We so desperately wanted to be wrong. That’s the difference in us. We saw people get jabbed and wished to be wrong about what we knew… we wanted them to be okay. In the meantime they judged us for not getting jabbed, wanted to be right – believed 100% without a doubt that they were right, and hoped we’d get sick and die to teach us a lesson. I even know of someone in my family tree who thought that people should be held down and forcibly injected. We can never unsee that now. People’s true colours really did show. No matter if they’re under hypnosis or mind-manipulation, this is who they are in their hearts. It’s been revealing… quite saddening really. I’m not living among the sorts of people I thought I was.
But I envy those who live among the apparent majority in their fictitious ‘reality’ of fear and disinformation…. those who don’t even know there’s a lot they don’t know. They don’t know that they’re asleep. They don’t know what we’ve been going through, watching them. They don’t know that their reality is fake. I envy that simplicity. Because the flipside of that is feeling like a minority who can see through the veil of lies and knows that it’s all a show now… none of it is real – but you can’t have these conversations with most people, as they’re under the spell still. So you have to somehow find a way to coexist with these people… you have to live in their weird little fantasy world, as otherwise you’re stuck in limbo… waiting for them to catch up and live in actual reality with you. You have to otherwise watch people you love, inject themselves for the fifth time, knowing that in Russian roulette you normally only have six rounds… if it’s not the fifth it’ll be the sixth that does it. You sit here, praying for the truth to reveal even quicker, so the next booster season doesn’t come round, where you have to tolerate the same despair as you face potential loss. You witness people all around getting autoimmune diseases, heart issues, strokes, cancers, blood clots, neurological issues – all things that came out of nowhere after the you-know-what. You hear from other less awake people, that colleagues died after the first injection…. or that family had major strokes just after the fourth one. All the while you are labelled as a conspiracy theorist, and disinformation-spreader, for trying to share the truth. You’re censored by those intent on spreading the disinformation – social media… and people stop talking to you, because you don’t bleat the mainstream narrative.
People don’t realise you’re fighting for their existence. For their freedom. For humanity. They see you as the enemy, when all you feel is love towards them. I used to ask myself if I’d rather be asleep or know the truth. I used to say I’d rather be awake to reality, rather than being manipulated by the powers that be. I’d rather be free-thinking than blindly trusting of authority and not in control of my own mind. I think the same still stands… but I do still envy those who never had to face the challenges we have, for knowing the truth. They have no idea just how easy they have had it. I hope one day they will find out.
Hey! It’s been well over two years since I posted on this blog…. to begin with I’d actually started a new blog, as I wanted a clean slate. I didn’t like the direction my blog had taken – ranting about this and that. I wanted to start again more positively. It’s been a tough couple of years though, and I lost confidence in my blogging voice.
So the other blog never really took off. I stopped writing. I’ve decided to return to this one, as it was already established. I can’t change what’s been and gone. This blog was negative at times and was my space to vent. Had I not done that, I may not be here now. It’s better I come back here and explain who I am and why I am the way I am. A lot has changed in the last couple of years. Yes, I will still be talking about the things that cause me difficulties. I will possibly still rant. I’m really hoping I can get back into poetry, as that’s dried up for a couple of years too. I need to start trying to open up again and reach out to others in my position.
It’s a very distressing time for me at the moment. I might expand on that sometime soon. I just wanted to pop my head in and say hey. Not sure how many of you are still around from before – if you’re still here, then great! I’ll be sharing more updates on stuff and hopefully writing some useful bits and bobs too. For now, take care xx
It’s been almost two months since I last posted on here…. I’ve moved over to my new blog …. https://trappedontheborder.wordpress.com/ but decided to pop my head in and do a rare update, for anyone who hasn’t followed me over to my new blog yet (Please do! I value your input!).
I’m going against what I said in my last post, where I said it would be my last Tuesday journal – I’m choosing to do another one two months on… and yes, I also know it is NOT Tuesday!! I wanted to fill in the gap. A lot has been going on. It just felt right….
Things I am grateful for:
All the people who sponsored and supported me for my step challenge in the last three months.
Water water water!! The greatest thing in life.
ASMR & guided meditation videos. Had so many headaches so I’ve needed this to help relax me.
My step-counter watch – could’ve done with it at the start of my challenge!
Family. ❤
Music – really helped with my stepping.
My determination to achieve my goals… no matter how I’ve felt.
Yummy food and the people who make it!!
Sleep!
Something I struggled with:
Relapsing because of this endless lockdown situation & the Wellbeing Centre. Paranoia about Covid too. My only way of coping with all of this has been denial. Unfortunately that wore off a couple of weeks back, and I’m struggling again now.
What I learnt from it:
Avoid the news / discussions about Covid, lockdown, vaccines, timescales.
Do what I need to – told my key worker I needed to not hear from the WC until things returned to normal, as it only unsettled me and brought me out of my little bubble of denial.
Slip-ups are okay…. just carry on from there…. it’s not ‘starting again’. There are more good days in terms of self-harm than there are bad ones.
Be gentle with myself. Listen to my needs. Communicate them to others.
I have a lot of anger about the neglectful attitudes from those at the WC. I have a right to feel that way. I’m within my rights to complain about it if necessary.
Denial is a temporary fix. It doesn’t last. Eventually everything will explode out of it. I know that. It’s still the only way I can survive right now. Until I can actually get some level of support back into my life.
Things I achieved:
Completed my 500,000 steps for Diabetes UK. Finished it yesterday! Walked over 128 miles in September alone.
Pushed myself through physical illness, pain and exhaustion to finish the steps – even had to literally pick myself up off the garage floor, wipe away the tears and force myself to step, when I just wanted to die instead. I persisted.
Lots of crochet achievements.
Had one of my blogs published on my local Mind website.
Managed to go three months without harming myself.
Lost 20lbs since the start of July (seriously need to lose weight – got three times as much to lose before I’ll be a healthy weight again).
Started joining in a bit more on Discord chat group I belong to.
Emailed my key worker to rant about my feelings, to try and not hurt myself. It helped until the last time…. nothing could’ve stopped it happening that time.
Got through my birthday, despite it being very different to what it was supposed to be.
Learnt some techniques to try and help me with my motor tics caused by my anxiety. Try to use them when I leave the house.
Doing better with eating chocolate – in recent days I’ve allowed myself it a little more, but generally haven’t eaten it, and don’t feel controlled by it anymore.
Just wanted to note these things down, in case one day things return to normal and I want to look back on how things progressed. The reason I stopped doing these journals was it reminded me of things I was trying to forget, but since those things are in the front of my mind now anyway, I figured why not?!
I’m hoping to go back into denial at some stage, but until then I’ll try and blog on my other blog. Would love to see you over there xxxx
This might be my last ‘Tuesday Journal’ post… I originally started these in order to continue my Tuesday group activity, where we wrote the things I have been writing. It was to deal with the loss of that group due to the lockdown. I wanted to feel connected to it still… I wanted to be able to see my journey during this time, take it back with me when things return to normal and add it to my previous journal entries.
This has gone on so long now – 21 weeks without the group so far, with no end in sight. Having to remember to post these makes me think about it too much. Just as contact with the service forces me to confront my feelings. I don’t want any of that. I’m doing okay, but I’m not doing okay when it comes to all of that. So I want to forget everything and focus on myself and self-improvement. Whether I keep note of things offline or not I don’t know, but I’ve grown weary of doing these posts endlessly. They don’t keep me feeling connected to the group. At this point in time that group is lost. I need to stop holding on to it. I don’t have support… I have to stop pretending it’s there when it’s really not. I need to act like it’s just me pushing through all of this and trying to recover – by myself, for myself. And if one day things resume, great. The problems I had before lockdown will still be there, but it’s not doing me any good reminding myself of the loss every week.
I’d much rather focus on posts for my new blog. For anyone following me on here who hasn’t found me yet, I’m – trappedontheborder.wordpress.com– it’s intended to be a more positive, reader-friendly blog than this one… less of a rant-space, less swearing, and more about explaining symptoms / emotions and experiences I have had. I’ll still be honest about things that happened in my life, and won’t sugar-coat things, but I feel I lost my way on this one and wanted a new start. I would love for followers of this blog to follow me over to my other one – I need to build up a following again, from scratch. I’m sad to leave this blog behind and I’m so grateful to everyone who has read it, followed it, commented…. I may post on here from time to time if I really do need a space to rant and don’t want to infect the new blog – but I’m trying to move forward constructively. Sometimes that means a fresh slate. So I really hope to see you over there xxxx
…
Things I am grateful for:
Music.
Motivation / determination.
Family.
Getting the real news from the horse’s mouth rather than MSM.
Animal Crossing, crochet, guitar, yoga etc.
Sunrises.
Everything I’ve ever mentioned before in terms of gratitude, given this is the last one.
What I struggled with:
Apart from feeling poorly the last couple of days, I had a bad day when my key worker phoned. I’d managed to put the WC out of my mind for about three weeks after pouring my feelings out in an email to her. I asked her not to phone me. It was unexpected, especially after three weeks… It forced me to remember everything I was upset about. I got upset and cried while on the phone. I then had physical symptoms of anxiety for the rest of the day – not sure why. I was a little worried it would lead me to hurt myself. I didn’t want to ruin how I’ve been doing with that – it’s been a while. I don’t want to know or say how long, as it usually means I’ll slip up soon after. It’s better to not make a big deal out of it. But I’m trying to make better decisions each day.
What I learned from it:
I can get upset about something, let my feelings out and not have to harm myself afterwards.
Played games with family afterwards to lift my spirits.
Have told her when things return to normal I’d like to speak to her in person about what I’ve been through with the WC.
I’m better off distancing myself from them all at the moment. This lockdown business is hard enough without the added stress of that. I just need to get through it on my own, put those problems aside and deal with them when / if I return to the centre.
I’m doing well at the moment.
What I achieved:
The above.
Finished my 50 miles for July… got up at 4.30am to do the last of my miles, before it got too hot later on… an achievement in itself… I’m NOT a morning person.
Have now lost almost a stone since the start of July.
Doing yoga more often.
Being a calmer person generally.
Learning to play proper chords on the guitar. Need a capo though…
Finished crocheting my first little baby dress for my ‘baby’ Poppy… will likely write about her on the new blog at some point.
Walking – really helps me feel better about myself
Sleep – the exercise makes me more tired
MM – person I follow online – very reassuring and honest
What I struggled with:
Memories of my old friends and how each one hurt, betrayed and abandoned me…. seeing them all as awful people… as a collective. Knowing they’re carrying on with their lives, happy – knowing each other and likely not knowing the truth of what each did to me. A lot of anger and resentment. Powerlessness. Loneliness. Pain.
What I learnt from it:
Not a lot. I wrote some of it out, then decided I didn’t want to be this angry, bitter person. I’m better than that. I don’t need ‘friends’ like them. If it means being alone forever then so be it. It’s better than having fake friends who will stab you in the back and drop you in the blink of an eye. Focus on myself, my interests, my aims. Nothing and nobody else matters.
What I achieved:
The above. Moving through emotions. Not hurting myself.
Reached 100,000 steps and did 10,000 on Saturday – earning 2 badges on my fundraising page.
Managed to finally get a Switch for someone else.
Joined a site, to follow someone who actually reports the real news. Feel connected, included and more at peace there than on social media.
Had contact lens appointment by phone (hate using the phone).
Been going out walking a lot more – like I was at the start of the year… not so scared of being outside now as I was the last few months.
More Harm Than Good 
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