Tuesday Journal: 07/07/20

Things I am grateful for:

  • The trust of a little butterfly on my walk today – it was on the ground, in the dirt… it seemed like something was wrong with it, so I put my hand down next to it and it hopped right on and let me carry it to the greenery nearby, where it hid under a leaf. I hope it just needed a rest and wasn’t on its last legs…. but I’m grateful it trusted me enough to let me help. ❤
  • It not being too hot atm. Bet it will be now…
  • ASMR
  • Animal Crossing
  • Liv, even though she’s no longer here. ❤
  • Crochet
  • M&S Extremely Chocolatey Milk Chocolate Thins (biscuits)… yum!

 

 

What I struggled with:

  • I’m not sure I had too much of a struggle this week really…. feels odd to say that. Sure I’ve had moments of anger and sadness about things from the past… and been missing people, but nothing world-shattering. So I’ll just go with the physical pains…. finger, wrist, back, feet, headaches…

What I’ve learnt from it:

  • Stretches… exercise…. no pain, no gain. Must push through it and eventually the pain will lessen. Some injuries need rest…. some are a sign I’ve had too much rest!

 

Things I have achieved:

  • I’ve started my half a million steps for Diabetes UK…. done over 21,000 steps so far.
  • Started looking at yoga – hoping it might improve my flexibility and make my walks less painful – had such tightness in my hips / lower back when I started my walks this month… it’s better now. 🙂
  • Written a few new blog posts… just need editing and posting.
  • Learned c2c crochet.
  • Got into more routines in the morning and night – taking more care of myself.
  • Given up chocolate again. Allowed chocolate biscuits this time, but no chocolate.
  • Lost 5 or 6 lbs from lifestyle changes. 🙂

Tuesday Journal: 30/06/20

Can’t believe it’s been 16 weeks I’ve been keeping these journals online, without my group… wonder how many more it’ll be…

 

 

Things I am grateful for:

  • Family – a lot of time with them this week.
  • Sleep … exercise helps me to sleep.
  • ASMR videos / tracks.
  • Painkillers – so much pain.
  • Sane people, fighting against the collective insanity of society atm. And having a place to be able to communicate with those people – not that I’ve spoken out there yet.

 

 

What I struggled with:

  • Body image. Hating every minute thing about myself. I couldn’t bear being in this body. Feeling it’ll only get worse from here as I get older. I’ll never be good enough for someone else, physically. I’ll never be attractive to anyone. I feel I’ve done this to myself. But in some ways I’ve been unfortunate, being cursed with a hormonal issue and the accompanying symptoms. I feel trapped in a body I don’t belong in. I hate myself.

What I learned from it:

  • I can’t undo some of the damage caused to my body. But one thing I have some level of control over is my weight. I can at least try to lose weight. It starts tomorrow. Half a million steps in the next three months – 1 million if I can manage it. No more chocolate. Better choices. For me.

 

What I achieved:

  • Finished my miles for this month – walked over 5 miles tonight.
  • Signed up for the (Half) Million steps for Diabetes UK.
  • Signed two petitions.
  • Made sure my mum had a good birthday.
  • Saw my brother for the first time in 3 months.
  • Saw my nan again. Gave her the buttons I bought for her.
  • Finally got the ASMR tracks I downloaded onto my MP3 player!

 

 

Tuesday Journal: 23/06/20.

This one will cover two weeks as I didn’t do last week….

 

Things I am grateful for:

  • Painkillers – been in so much pain for the last ten days.
  • Games -board / computer
  • Having places to share my thoughts… even if I do have to edit myself a bit.

 

What I struggled with:

  • Pain…. and not feeling very well…. plus feeling so tired / exhausted. Worried something might be wrong with me. Just can’t shake the neck pain & accompanying back / rib / shoulder / collarbone pain and headaches. Feel like I’m coming down with a cold or something too. And no amount of sleep helps with the fatigue. Feel rubbish physically and it’s affecting me mentally. Can’t really do anything.

What I learnt from it:

  • Nothing. There’s nothing to learn from it. Other than to look after myself.

 

What I achieved:

  • These first few will make it sound like I don’t appreciate the people and didn’t want to do the things I did, but it’s not that at all – I am so depressed at the moment, I have no motivation and everything is ‘too much’. That being said, I met my work friend on her birthday for a socially distanced walk.
  • I finally saw my nan after 3 months, and showed her some of my crochet.
  • I finally got round to replying to someone to explain and resolve something.
  • Finished my little crochet project for someone’s birthday.
  • Did some tidying, despite not feeling well.
  • Persevered with reading crochet patterns that were hard to understand.
  • Joined a new social media platform where my opinions are less likely to be attacked.
  • Submitted a blog post to help others during lockdown – but think I misunderstood, so will be withdrawing it today.
  • And just given feedback on something as requested…. going against my urge to totally ignore, given I was left with the impression not to contact the person in the future. But strictly business. Questions answered. Done and dusted.

 

 

Tuesday Journal: 09/06/20

*Self-harm theme*

 

 

Things I am grateful for:

  •  Family – helping me with my arm over the weekend.
  • Chocolate!
  • Pain-relief – ice, painkillers, gels etc.
  • Sleep.
  • Games – board games & Animal Crossing.

 

What I struggled with:

  • Self-harm again – been unable to stop. Think it’s because I’d gone over a month without any form of self-harm, which was a huge step for me this year… once I start I often can’t stop. Any time I was left alone in the house I felt I had to top up on the pain and damage… almost became a habit.

 

What I learned from it:

  • That self-harm stops me being able to do the things that keep me sane – creative stuff. Need my hands for that.
  • Be honest and reach out for help afterwards.
  • That I won’t have a very ‘successful’ week & have much to add to these journals if I hurt myself, to the point of being unable to do anything.

 

 

Things I achieved:

  • Told someone about my arm injury so they could help – and prepared to actually go and have it looked at, but didn’t need to in the end.
  •  Sorted out my diazepam situation – meant phoning the doctor’s today and receiving a phone call back too (hate using the phone, but did it).
  •  Resting my arm – treating it right for a few days – meant stopping crochet, guitar and everything I enjoy, and left me rather bored, but more important to heal, rather than pushing through pain to pretend I was fine – which I had done for the first couple of days….
  • Finished the online shopping for a family member’s birthday coming up.
  • The weekly shop, despite secretly being in pain at the time.

 

 

Tuesday Journal: 02/06/20

*SH / suicidal feelings*

 

 

Things I’m grateful for:

  • Again, the escapism of Animal Crossing.
  • Again, crochet.
  • Family.
  • Board games.
  • That MH site I joined last week. Not got support from it as such, but at least it’s somewhere I can actually express my feelings freely without judgement.
  • Beautiful flowers I spot on my walks.
  • Sleep – an escape from pain of every kind.

 

What I struggled with:

  • Self-harm & going backwards in recovery & communication. Shut down. Unable to talk to anyone or express my feelings. Paranoia about people’s opinions of me / intentions. False accusations. Gaslighting. Stigma. Blame. Triggers. Trauma. Snowballing thoughts / feelings about everything – grief, loss, bullying, abandonments, way people treated me, the WC, hopelessness, never fitting in, self-hatred. I could go on, but reluctant to use my voice anymore. Only writing this for the sake of keeping a record for going back to the WC at some point. If I live that long. Otherwise done.

What I learnt from it:

  • Keep my mouth shut & my opinions to myself. Safer that way.
  • Don’t let anyone in. Safer that way.
  • Nobody will ever understand me or my intentions. I will spend my life defending and explaining myself but it will fall on deaf ears.
  • I’m alone. I deserve to be. I’m meant to be.
  • It’s better to live in my own little bubble, talk to nobody, keep myself to myself, bottle my thoughts and feelings up and take them out on myself, silently. Like I used to. People liked me more then.
  • I need to go back to being a doormat who never spoke or smiled. Who knew her place.
  • Yeah this all sounds negative. You won’t change my views on this though. I’m beyond broken now.  I can’t do this anymore.

 

What I achieved:

  • Finished May miles and signed up for June.
  • Continuing my vitamins.
  • Unfortunately that’s probably about it. Oh, spoke to family members on the phone and my work friend. Was a big struggle though. I’m all peopled out. I just want peace now. I’m not well. Physically or mentally. Recovery is gone. It’s all too much. Life keeps reminding me why I’ll never belong here. That I’m too messed up to cope with this world and the people in it. That it’s only a matter of time. There’s no coming back from all of this. You can’t fix a broken soul. And people will never change. Too much has happened since lockdown that’s closed me down for good. I quit.

 

 

 

 

 

Tuesday Journal: 26/05/20

This one covers the last two weeks, as I never got round to doing my Tuesday journal last week. How I’ll remember everything from the last two weeks I have no idea!!

 

Things I am grateful for:

  • Water (as usual!) – essential and refreshing. Can solve most ailments.
  • Crochet (as usual!) – keeps me sane.
  •  Animal Crossing game – absolutely love it!! So much better than the Wii game I used to play. Addicted to it. But before anyone says anything, I’m not into the social element of it – playing with others – yet. Happy enough on my own.
  •  Cooler days. Can’t stand this hot weather.
  • People who talk to me, but also people who understand when I can’t talk to others.
  • The friendly cat I met yesterday on my walk – beautiful and cheered me up entirely. I’m someone who feels so rejected if cats run off when I talk to them. This one wanted me there! So I was happy. 🙂
  • Our neighbours who randomly gave us some flowers and chocolates, just because they recognised how much we do for others (shopping for our elderly next door neighbour & my nan). They thought we deserved a treat. Was so lovely and unexpected, and warmed my heart. ❤

 

What I struggled with:

  • Anger…. some to do with politics the last couple of days. Could do without that crap. But also anger at the Wellbeing Centre (frustration), and mainly anger at my former friend for abandoning me like she did, and her response or lack thereof, to my last communication with her. Will write about it sometime, to let it out, but it’s played on my mind a lot recently, as my God-daughter’s birthday was the other day. I’m angry at my former friend for destroying the bond I had with her daughter. That’s the thing I’ll never recover from… losing the kids. I just can’t understand the mentality that causes someone to ditch someone at their lowest, and to respond to feelings of hurt, or someone standing up and saying something wasn’t fair or right, with silence, rather than a ‘You’re right, it wasn’t fair and I’m sorry’. I just don’t get it. I don’t understand her, and I don’t understand what I ever did to deserve being treated the way I was. It’s not fair or right, and I hope one day she’ll understand what she did wrong and feel bad about it, rather than blaming me for what happened.

What I learnt from it:

  • In terms of the political anger – step away. Come off Twitter for now. I’m fragile and on edge at the moment for certain reasons. My anger can be easily triggered. Must avoid those triggers.
  •  In terms of the Wellbeing Centre – at the moment I’ve learnt to close down from them. I can’t pretend I’m okay with them. I’m not. But just like with my former friend, they won’t listen to or understand what I’m saying. There’s no point saying anything more to them. It’ll only lead to more frustration and anger.
  • And in terms of the stuff with my former friend – that’s a work in progress. I can’t say I’ve learnt anything from it as it’s still happening. I just need to process some stuff. I don’t talk about or write about it anymore. So it’s built-up inside me. This lockdown is making me face stuff I’d buried. So I need to work through it.
  • It’s okay to be angry. When people treat you wrong, I think anger is a healthy sign – it shows that you know you deserve better – which means you value yourself enough to say that something wasn’t right and you’re worth more than what they did to you.
  • It wasn’t my fault what happened. I may never understand why it happened. I may never forgive her for how she cut me out of her life. But to be honest if she can cut me out so cruelly, then I’m better off without her. I clearly never knew her. I didn’t know the potential for such cold abandonment was lurking in my life all those years. I trusted her. I thought I was safe with her. It’s better to know the truth than to forever live a lie. But it was not my fault and I did not deserve it. Yes I can accept she had her own issues to deal with. I fully acknowledged that and sympathised. I even said she should focus on herself and her own mental health. That was caring. But I still had a right to stand up for myself and say I didn’t deserve to pay the price for her issues with other people. If she can’t acknowledge the hurt she caused me, then I’m better off out of that situation anyway. I need people who take responsibility for themselves and aren’t afraid of accountability and admitting mistakes and apologising for them.
  • So in a way I guess the anger is teaching me about myself. It’s teaching me my values, morals, the good qualities I have inside (somewhere – they’ve got a bit lost lately!), and it’s helping me find my boundaries, my expectations of others, and in a sense although the ‘Why?’ aspect does affect my self-worth, it’s also a battle between feeling I must’ve done something to deserve it, and knowing I did NOTHING to deserve it (good self-worth). So people who try to break you can sometimes be the people to strengthen you and your belief in yourself. God that sounds profound. I don’t truly believe all this yet, but I’m working on it. I can’t let this destroy me. Got enough trying to do that already…

 

What I’ve achieved:

  •  Learning lots of new crochet ideas.
  •  Joined an online MH community recommended by the Wellbeing Centre… felt like a good step, but having looked at it more now, I’m not sure it’s a healthy environment, as there’s so much triggering stuff on it and seems to be no moderating going on. Just lots of people saying they don’t want to live anymore, and nobody doing anything about it. So probably won’t continue on there.
  • Spoke to my nan on the phone for quite a while. I know that sounds daft, but I don’t tend to talk to anyone on the phone usually, even her. But wanted to cheer her up as I’ve not seen her in weeks.
  • Grew sunflowers – we’re having a family competition. Mine actually grew!! I’m currently third place out of four though, but at least it’s growing!
  • Walked four miles yesterday. Longest walk since lockdown I think….
  • Managed four weeks without any self-harm. Please don’t celebrate this too much though, as it never usually lasts… normally get triggered and slip up soon after celebrating a milestone. It will happen. But even though it will, I guess it’s still an achievement to have gone pretty much a month without it. Compared to earlier in the year, it’s good.  I remember writing these journals at the Centre and an achievement being going a week without self-harm… so four of them is an improvement.

 

 

 

Failed By MH Services… Again… And Again…

*Contains swearing & suicidal tones*

 
I wrote most of this at the start of the week, but finished it today… sorry I’ve not properly proof-read it…. will never get it posted otherwise!

Monday 11th May 2020

I just need to get my feelings out of my head and heart, so please forgive me if this turns into a bit of a rant….

 

I had an unexpected call from my key worker today. I actually had my phone off as I was avoiding her, but she called the home phone. I’d intended to not speak to her for a while after she let me down last week. I had actually plucked up the courage to ask for support for once in my life, rather than suffering in silence – I asked her to check in with me on Thursday last week (7th), as it was the one year anniversary of my friend’s suicide. People don’t tend to support me in my grief. They can’t even muster the words ‘Thinking of you xx’ like they do for other people. So I asked my key worker to check in. She said she would phone me.

 

I had anxiety that day in addition to everything else I felt. I dread phone calls, so regretted asking her to phone. I waited all day and no phone call. I felt really ill with a headache by 6pm so turned my phone off and kept it that way since. She let me down. Yet another person not there for me on the first anniversary date… it dredged up all those who weren’t there for me on the first anniversary of my first loss – two years ago…. the point my mental health started to unravel. It’s just the same. I asked her to call me so I wouldn’t feel that way again. So I wouldn’t feel alone. She failed me.

 

I was angry. But I also expected it. I guess that’s why I was so disappointed… because I knew it would happen – because that’s how people treat me. That’s how little they care. It was so predictable. And when you can predict people letting you down time and time again, eventually you get sick of it and think ‘Do I really want to keep living in this world, as this person that everyone either forgets, neglects or ignores?’

 

When she phoned she made reference to my email where I’d said I wanted to talk about my experience at the Centre at some point, and she was ready to listen to that. But I had actually said in the email that I was putting a pin in that at the moment, as I was focused on that first anniversary date. I told her I wasn’t actually mentally prepared for all that other stuff. The reality is I haven’t ‘got over’ yet another cock-up by them last week.

 

She gave ‘reasons’ for not phoning me – it involved her charger or something, and her system not working… it was BS basically. I could smell it even all these miles apart. I knew full well she had simply forgotten. These people think they can fool me but they really can’t – the sooner they learn that and be honest with me, the better, because I’m losing patience and losing trust in them each time they BS me. If she couldn’t phone me, she could’ve got in touch with someone else to contact me. She could’ve emailed me.

 

She didn’t seem to get the point – that I needed her to phone on the Thursday … on the day… She started talking to me about grief, and about Liv and where she might be now, and that she’s at peace, and I meant a lot to her and that the care she had for me, she took with her in her heart. It was garbage, and actually made me feel worse. It made me angry – at her and at Liv. Because it brought up feelings of ‘Yeah, I meant so much to Liv that she chose death over having to see me five weeks later’…. ‘I meant so much to Liv, that she left me alone in this world that she knew I was struggling to survive in already’…. ‘She didn’t care about me when she took her own life’…. and thinking about where she may or may not be isn’t helpful. Yes I choose to believe she’s in a better place and still with me at times. But I don’t want to hear someone theorising over where my friend is after killing herself. Especially as my key worker had pissed me off by not being there and keeping to her word when I needed her. I didn’t want to hear all that waffle. That wasn’t why I wanted to talk to her. And I didn’t want to talk to her after the event. I’m going to get bereavement counselling for that one day, if life ever improves.

 

The fact is I needed her last Thursday. I don’t need her now. It’s too late. I had to say to her I needed it last week, but I’m fine now. I’m not fine now, but it isn’t because Liv’s dead and I want to talk to someone about it. It’s because yet again nobody was there for me when I needed them to be. I was let down again. And the Wellbeing Centre cocked up yet again. It’s the last straw for me with them. I don’t want to talk to my key worker again. Yes I was going to talk about the issue I had the last time I went to the Centre before all this virus stuff started…. but what’s the point? She doesn’t listen. She doesn’t care. She lies to me. She forgets me. She lets me down. She doesn’t understand. And it won’t change anything – I’ll just end up more frustrated. So I think it’s best I just deal with all this shit in my head and heart on my own. I need to close off from them all. They failed me. I just have to accept it and look after myself without them.

 

I mean my key worker couldn’t even remember to call me by my name I commonly use. She called me by my full name, and the trouble is she’s one of those people who says your name to you every other sentence…. so every time I heard my name said to me I felt more and more disrespected and so disconnected from her. It felt like she couldn’t even remember our conversation from a couple of weeks before, where she called me Lily – it was like she thought she was talking to a different person, not me. So I truly felt she didn’t care. Of course someone I know chipped in later to say she meant well and was only trying to help me (which totally invalidated how I feel – siding with the person who triggered me… will be writing about invalidation at some point hopefully).

 

I get it’s a difficult time. To be honest there could be the best reason in the world for why she didn’t do what she said she would and phone me….. it wouldn’t make a difference. Okay I might ‘understand’ but the damage would still be done. It mattered so much more than people will ever get…. I needed someone to follow through on what they said they’d do… I needed the support on the day itself…. I needed to not be alone with my grief on that day – I needed change from other people … for them to be kind, caring and supportive – it’s all I ever need. It’s the only way I can continue to live in this world – if other people change their behaviours towards me. I’m done changing for others. It’s time they change for me. Make me feel I exist. Make me feel I’m worth the effort to ask after me and to be there… to deliver on promises etc. Other people are the problem in my life. Not me. Nobody seems to get that. Look – I changed. I directly asked her to phone me on that specific day – that is NOT something I would normally do. I did it in the hope I’d get a different outcome. But I didn’t. Because of the other person yet again.  I am so trapped in a loop in my life… trapped by other people’s inability or lack of willing to treat me in the ways I’m asking them to. People (including the Wellbeing Centre staff now) keep teaching me how worthless I am…. how hopeless life is…. and that I’ll never be able to live in this world.

 

The Wellbeing Centre have treated me in ways that are so reminiscent of my past. I feel I’m living all that hell from the past again because of them, and they won’t even acknowledge their mistakes and the impact they’re having on me. The way they’ve handled the ‘transference’ issue is just the same as the IAPT service I used. If I’d known it would result in them constructing all these ways to stop me communicating with *him (‘X’); that they’d essentially sweep it under the carpet; that they’d refuse to do what would’ve helped me and choose to frustrate me instead; that I’d be left to deal with the shame and embarrassment of it all, on my own…. I really wouldn’t have bothered mentioning it to them. I would’ve kept it to myself. I should’ve kept it to myself. I stupidly thought and hoped they might approach things differently… that they might be able to help me this time. But I guess not. I guess nobody ever will. Because mental health services live by their code of conduct or whatever, and that trumps everything, including someone’s life. They’ll always put their jobs first. So I will leave another service, scarred… unable to trust mental health services and utterly terrified of ever approaching services again, because the same WILL happen again, as they failed to heal me too. It was one big fat waste of time being honest with them. Won’t happen again…. ever. I won’t ask for help with my mental health again. The Centre have seen to that.

 

Their inability to admit mistakes and apologise also reflects people from my past – old friends who cocked up, hurt me and refused to own their mistakes and apologise… instead choosing to pin the blame on me and make excuses for their actions.

 

Then there was the whole phone incident with X, where he didn’t respond to my text,  which was the same as at the IAPT. That triggered me.

 

The thing the other week, where I was being accused of talking to the wrong person and increasing X’s workload, which apparently wasn’t what was happening…. apparently I just interpreted it wrongly. Just like when X got defensive in the group when I said I felt the material we were looking at was aimed at me (I didn’t say this exactly, but can’t be bothered to go into that whole thing again right now) – I apologised to him and my interpretation was blamed… he denied being offended etc…. said I seemed to have misunderstood and took his comment the wrong way – no… I read your body language dude. It was nothing to do with your comment. These people cover their own arses all the time – and each other’s too. It makes me feel like people are gaslighting me. I question my own sanity and sense of reality because of their distortions of the truth. I admit I have paranoia. But I’m also intuitive. I can read body language, tone, energy. I don’t like being blamed for things and accused of things that aren’t true. A past ‘friend’ did that a lot with me. Toxic girl.

 

And the Centre just kept putting blocks in my path and frustrating me. Like the time I was just done with the whole thing… I’d written something for them to read… wanted a very quick word at the end of the group as I handed it over for them to read…. that was the week they suddenly weren’t allowed to talk to anyone after the group anymore. So I had to give it with no explanation, which led to a devastating text from X a few days later, leaving me suicidal over the weekend. That wouldn’t have happened if they’d given me five minutes to explain. They frustrated me and caused that issue. Another one was when I wanted to know why they refused to help me in the way I asked…. I asked to speak to X before the group – while I was on my way in on the bus, he let me know someone else was joining us, as that other person would be dealing with me from then on. Each time they frustrated me was actually a ‘final’ situation. They were last conversations and it was like they were saying ‘no’ each time. No you can’t have closure. They left me with a sense of being a burden to X each time, which was the absolute last thing I ever wanted to be. But if they’d just allowed me the first final conversation with him, that would’ve been it. The way they frustrated me and rejected me every time only inflamed the situation and the feelings, and has now resulted in me hating the guts of all of them with a passion. It escalated the situation, beyond what it needed to be. And I was frustrated, losing control of the situation, seeing it spiral, feeling they were being unreasonable and not hearing me…. there’s nothing more frustrating than people not listening to you…. that level of frustration has left me feeling powerless so many times, and like smashing my head through a wall. It drives my suicidal feelings, as there’s no other option in those moments they frustrate me. The worst part is them claiming to do it all for my benefit – wanting the right support for me. That they’re ‘on my side’…. yeah right.

 

They denied me what would’ve helped me and what would’ve changed my life. They put me in this state, and left me in this state. They want me to have ‘the right support’ whilst ignoring the fact I was saying I didn’t NEED support. If I had been given that simple nod of the head right at the start, I would not have needed any further support. They’ve created the situation where I now need more support. They did that. They have made me a demanding and difficult person, by withholding a very simple bit of validation and reassurance. They have made me more ill. More unstable. They made me ‘too much’ to deal with. And I’m fuming about that. If they had just listened to me in the first place and done what I asked, I could’ve focused on my recovery perfectly well on my own. I was never asking X to take on a more supportive role. I was never going to lean on him. It was a one-off nod of the head to heal the broken parts of me. They said about him not being trained in such things – but I don’t think someone needs training to nod their head… unless they’re a dog. He didn’t need to be trained to show me human kindness and compassion. I wouldn’t have burdened him more… in fact I’d have burdened him a lot less! And I wouldn’t have needed support from others after that either – the only time I would’ve needed support was in the lead-up to losing him, as the separation and the loss is what I struggle with. It’s not his presence that’s the problem, but the absence. That’s why I’m struggling so much more now than they could ever understand.

 

A part of their decision to not do what I asked was apparently that X was concerned by something I wrote – that he could even lie if he had to…. this made him / them think that even if he did agree with what I wrote, it wouldn’t be enough to reassure me. They’re wrong. And the reality is that I only said that because I honestly believe nobody would think positive things about me. I figured anyone would have to force those sentiments out, because I’m that worthless and disgusting a human being. I didn’t want him to feel uncomfortable. I said it because people in my past couldn’t even force themselves to tell me things like ‘I miss you’, ‘You matter to me’, ‘I care about you’, or any other words… I had to drag them out of people. Even then sometimes they still couldn’t say anything kind to me. I learnt from that, that people didn’t feel a certain way about me. If they couldn’t even force themselves to say it. I figured any sentiment like that must be a lie from then on. Because if it was true then I wouldn’t have to ask for it. I’d be given it freely, like I give to others freely. So the fact is that was my past and my low self-worth talking…. preparing myself for rejection, to be honest. And that ended up with me being rejected and denied the help I needed. It would’ve been enough. But the denial of it has screwed me up more than they will ever understand. It has played out the story of my life. And it has ripped me apart and left me unable to find stability. It has frustrated me…. made me hate myself…. made me hate them and everyone…. and made me not want to exist anymore. I actually cannot tolerate this level of frustration and anger anymore. Not only did they deny me what I needed, but they gave me the opposite.

 

I can’t talk to X before or after the group even for two minutes. I can’t text him (which I wasn’t doing anyway – I’ve been so good at not abusing the fact I have a way of contacting him) – I just felt from his last text that I shouldn’t so much as breathe in his direction unless in the group. People keep on about him only running the group, not having a caseload. I wouldn’t have had to ‘burden’ him like I must have done to warrant so many people sheltering him, if they had listened to me and actually helped me. They created the situation and then blamed me for it. I hate them.  I’ve been denied closure with him. I’m being held away from him, which actually only makes the situation a lot worse. I wish they’d understand that. It’s the separation that’s the problem here. Wankers. I can’t talk about any of this in the group. But since I can’t talk to him at any point and it feels swept under the carpet with everyone else, I feel my only option left is to start talking about this issue…. in the group!! Communicating to him through the group. I can’t talk to anyone else about any of this now. I think I’ve talked to just about everyone at the Centre now…. they’ve all fucked up, so I have no faith in any of them. They don’t listen and they’ve already concluded they’re not going to help me. They think I need to help myself.  My key worker even thinks that ‘Time is a great healer’ – so effectively this will just go away by itself…. the IAPT service said the same – that it should go away by itself and if not you just don’t work with the person anymore. Basically ‘Get over your fear of losing this person or you’ll have to lose them’ – mental health professionals haven’t got a fucking clue about anything like this. I’m more of an expert than all of them put together when it comes to this subject. If only they’d listen to me and trust that I know what would’ve helped me…

 

By the way I thought asking for their help was a pretty good way of me ‘helping myself’…. *not* helping myself would’ve been to keep it stuffed down inside and not deal with it. I think being honest and facing the shame I felt, and saying ‘Help me!’ took guts and it’s their fault how it’s turned out – where I’m going to close off and not ‘engage’ with them anymore. I tried. They think I have to help myself with this. I can’t. If I could then I would’ve done so by now. I would’ve done so two years ago when I experienced this for the first time. I needed their help. They just didn’t want to get their hands dirty doing it. And then think it’s for the greater good…. that it’ll do me good to sort it out for myself without their help. They think they know better than me. They want me to focus on others things, which is exactly what would’ve happened if they’d just done what I suggested earlier in the year. It’s their fault that this is my focus now. That I can’t move forward from this. They had the power to help me move forward… to help me to help myself. They could’ve provided stability for me, and chose to destabilise me forever. But they will never accept fault. It will always be my fault. My choice. My unwillingness to let it go and move forward, focusing on other things. The ‘answer’ will always be to stop attending the group / Centre. I will be the scapegoat. The ‘problem’ will always be me… not the choices they made, and the ways they let me down. Ladies and gentlemen – UK mental health services – no concept of accountability.

 

Even now, so many of us are on our own. We’re forgotten about. Those with mental illness will be the biggest casualties to this lockdown. I don’t feel I’ll make it out alive.

 

 

Saturday 16th May 2020

 

I got a text yesterday from someone else at the Centre, to offer my anxiety course, online next month. I had to turn it down. I’m not coping right now… not because of anxiety but because of them. Their continual failures when it comes to me. Because of X and the reality that I’ve been torn apart from him and will probably never see him again. That’s the thing.… hearing that this Zoom thing will be the new way of working during lockdown… that tells me this is the new normal….. it made me think it could be a year, at least, until things return to normal…. if that’s the case…. if I really won’t see X, or even talk to him again for that long, without support too, then I can’t live. The loss was always the worst part. It was the first thing I realised when I developed feelings for X… ‘Great, one more person to lose’. But I wasn’t going to focus on it. I was going to make the most of the time I had with him. And then this happened. My choice was taken from me. And then the communications I’ve had with him and with my key worker since, have made me feel I mustn’t say a word to him for the whole duration of this lockdown thing. It was my intention anyway, but it’s just the fact they don’t seem to realise how extra-hard this is for me, because of the attachment I feel towards X. To have that effectively end, so suddenly, abruptly, with no closure – it’s exactly what I couldn’t face. It was the opposite of what I needed… and having it happen after fighting a battle with them over getting my needs met, and being denied what I needed in this situation… what I needed from X…. to then be savagely separated from him, and to have our last communication be that of ‘talk to someone else in the future’…. why can’t they see the damage of all this?

 

I know everyone is struggling for their own reasons….. but given how much they know about my situation – how much I’ve opened up to them about it… the fact it involves them … and the fact they’ve let me down so many times and denied me the help I needed, I just wish they’d have considered me a little bit more than most. I wish they’d thought of ways to help me with this specific side of things. But it shows they haven’t got a clue about any of it. They probably think this time apart from him will actually help me ‘get over him’. Ignorance must be bliss. It’s not like that at all. It’s not a chance for me to heal from this. If they think that, they’re deluded, not me. Fact is they probably feel relieved to have that break from the intensity of me and the issue… must be nice to not have to deal with me anymore, but for me there is no break from it. I’m living it. I don’t want to live it. I can’t live it. But I am. I’m suffering and it isn’t going to go away because of distance and time. It doesn’t work like that. I don’t work like that. So I hope they enjoy the peace… the break from me, but I cannot enjoy such peace. I know only screaming pain and desperation. I can’t have a break from the intensity of my feelings.  I can’t escape my feelings around him and all of this. I’m not as lucky as them. No matter how many months pass, this issue will still be there just the same when life returns to normal. I hope they realise that. I’m not sure they do.

 

So I have to deal with all this on my own. I can’t. But I have to. So I can’t do their courses right now. And particularly online. I want the maximum benefit from this ‘help’ I’m getting from them. Even if it means waiting. I’d waited long enough already to finally get some degree of help from someone.  I don’t want my course to be done remotely, online, away from people, and then the next ones all return to the Centre and mine was just done and dusted online. I deserve the same chance as everyone else. I know they’re trying to help and support people during lockdown. But it’s clear they don’t understand my struggles at the moment, and that they are the cause of it. I would not get anything out of these courses right now, in the headspace I’m in, and my focus wouldn’t be actual anxiety of everyday life…. it would be about lockdown. So it wouldn’t ultimately help me in my life, going forward.

 

I want to be left alone by them now for a while. It screws me up each time they get in touch. They’ve wounded me so many times and not allowed me to heal. I need a break from the heartache of them. So I hope they will leave me alone for a while. I don’t intend to talk to them. There’s no point. I thought my IAPT experience was bad…. this is worse. Because I actually explained that experience to them, and they wanted me to have a better experience. Failed didn’t it….

 

Hopefully have a post about the attachment issues during lockdown, at some point – written most of it, but struggling with putting things into words lately, and with finishing things I start. That’s why it’s taken so long to post this one too. There’s chaos in my head at the moment. And I’m starting to see no end to it. My life just feels like one big tragedy… it’s gone beyond a nightmare now, and there’s no waking up from it. This is life now. A life I don’t want, and a life I can’t live. I’m back to wishing to just get the damn virus and die from it. Then I wouldn’t have to bear another second of feeling how I do right now.

 

 

Tuesday Journal: 12/05/20

Things I am grateful for:

  • My new friend – & for inviting me to the Crochet Therapy group – given me lots of ideas and inspiration, and might connect me to lots of other people with a shared hobby.
  • The Hermes lady who keeps delivering parcels to me lately – she doesn’t know it but she’s a lifesaver. Crochet and other creative things are the only thing keeping me going right now. So she is actually saving my life by doing her job.
  • Finally managing to order a Nintendo Switch!
  • Brief moments of not feeling unwell – had various ailments this week…
  • Water, as usual. Cures most things!

 

What I struggled with:

  • My key worker not phoning me on the first anniversary of my friend’s suicide, despite saying she would. Will blog about it later. But she phoned yesterday instead and sent my mood right down. Felt so disconnected from her. Didn’t want to hear from her.

What I learnt from it:

  • I’m alone.
  • Everyone lets you down.
  • I learnt to get through it on my own…. it’s not to be seen as a good thing though, as my trust is damaged now, and I won’t open up and ask for help again.

 

What I achieved:

  • Crocheted a baby’s cardigan.
  • Got through the first anniversary of Liv’s death.
  • Got through the week without harming myself.
  • Finished crocheting my triangular wrap.
  • Replied to people, where I could.

 

 

‘Tuesday’ Journal: 05/05/20

Oops, forgot my Tuesday journal this week! So will do it today (Friday 08/05/20), from Tuesday last week until now….

 

 

Things I’m grateful for: 

  • Food!
  • Water!
  •  Crochet….
  •  Sleep….

(Not very imaginative this week I’m afraid!)

 

What I struggled with:

  • Illness & pain. Keep feeling really rundown. Have had awful headaches. Pulled something in my neck too. And other ailments as well.

What I learnt from it:

  • Take it easy.
  • Take some time to really rest.
  • Drink more – need to work on this.
  • Started taking vitamins religiously.
  • Look after mental health as that affects physical health too.

 

What I achieved:

  • I asked my key worker to phone me yesterday as it was the first anniversary of the death of my friend, and people don’t tend to support me in my grief, so I wanted to feel I wasn’t alone with it. She said she would. She didn’t. Major cock-up. But at least I asked for what I needed rather than just wallowing in self-pity. Not my fault she let me down.
  • I crocheted a baby cardigan for the first time – not thrilled with it. A lot to improve on, but it’s okay for a first attempt I suppose.
  •  Tried to communicate a bit more with people this week – haven’t got round to everyone – focused more on Facebook people and my blog. Will get to Twitter soon hopefully. Little steps. I’m doing my best. Phoned my work friend too, which was hard to do, but important I did it. A lot more I need to do still but I’ll get there.
  •  Got through the first anniversary of Liv’s passing, on my own pretty much.

 

 

 

The Darkest Year.

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*Talk of suicide / grief related to it*

 

 

One year ago a truly brilliant light went out, leaving the world in darkness and changing my life forever. My wonderful, special, beautiful friend Liv, couldn’t survive her demons and tragically ended her own life.

I haven’t dealt with it, even now. Before this lockdown business I had intended to reach out for bereavement counselling, to get me through this difficult time. I’ve not managed to sort anything out, so just have to cope with it alone.

Even just a couple of days ago I sat in disbelief that she’s really gone, and that she’ll never be in this world again. I feel I’m in massive denial at times. There are times I feel I’ve ‘accepted’ it… if you ever can accept your only remaining friend taking their own life… I carry on, I talk to her… I try and talk about her – people get uncomfortable though and don’t engage in conversation about her. I guess that’s contributed to me not dealing with it. I have nobody to talk to about her and about the loss of her. So in a way I’ve had to stuff it down and just carry on.

But my life is so different now as a result of her decision. I’m not the same person I used to be. The world is changed. Nothing will ever be the same again, and nobody could ever fill the void her absence has left me with. She’s irreplaceable. I wish I could’ve told her that. I wish I could’ve told her I couldn’t bear the thought of a life without her here. I should’ve told her. For years I had feared something like this happening…. but I never truly thought it would happen.

So for it to happen when it did, it was a shock to the system. It seems strange to say that she was the best friend I ever had, yet I only actually met her in person once in my lifetime. I feel like a fraud saying that. But I knew her for thirteen years of my life. We met because of our mental health struggles and bonded over our shared appreciation of a certain Irish boyband, by the name of Westlife. People always mocked them and their fans, but we didn’t care. We knew our taste in music was awesome. Nobody would ever change our minds on that!

 

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We’d been there for each other through the ups and downs of life. She was the one person I could always count on for support, advice and unconditional love. She was the only person who never gave up on me, no matter what. We never fell out. She never judged me. She never left me feeling I was alone in this world. She never let me feel invisible. She was perfect in every way. She just couldn’t see it. She was too humble and far too hard on herself. She couldn’t see all the wonderful things we all saw in her. She hated herself inside and out, but she had no reason to. In the end, her demons won and she gave up on herself.

I feel so grief-stricken and heartbroken that I couldn’t do anything to save her. And now I never can. Once she made that choice there was no going back…. no second chances for those of us left behind, to do something to keep her with us. We have to live with that forever now. I still have my moments I feel angry with her. But mostly I’m devastated and miss her so much. She was my rock. I may not have been her best friend – in fact most people in her life wouldn’t even know I existed. But in terms of quality and duration – she was the best friend I’ve ever had. I will never know anyone half as wonderful as she was.

I find it hard at times… thinking of all the things she’s missed and will miss in the future. I can be listening to one of the latest Westlife songs, and I think ‘She never got to hear this song’. I can be unsure of what to do about a situation and want her input, but that’ll never happen again. I can see a video she’d love, or I can do something creative that I think she’d really like, but I’ll never hear her feedback on any of it. I may be able to talk to her… I do it often… but she will never reply again in this lifetime.

And I think I’ve been taking it day by day, but when I consider the future…. the many years that could lie ahead… she’ll still be gone. She’s gone forever. I don’t deal well with ‘forever’ and ‘never’… it’s something I’ve always said. The thought that I’ll never talk to her again is a brutal reality to face. She was the only friend I had left. She left me on my own. Five weeks before I would finally see her again, she decided life wasn’t for her. I never got to see her again. I never got to hug her, like I wish I had done the first time I met her. I never got to share that front row Westlife experience with her. Five weeks…. that’s all it was. I know it’s selfish, but I wish she could’ve held on until then…. I feel at least I’d have had a chance to see her, speak to her, change her mind in some way, even without knowing her intentions. Being denied that opportunity is what drives part of the anger. The rest is the being left totally alone thing.

Her death has forever changed me. I don’t like who I am anymore. I hadn’t for a while anyway – ever since my first experience of grief two years earlier… that changed me. It worsened my mental health… that caused people to avoid me… it made my best friend abandon me forever… Liv was the only one really there for me through it. She helped me cope with the new experience of grief. But now there’s nobody to help me with my grief for her. She’s gone. And I feel like a ghost… invisible to all. Avoided by all. Irrelevant to all.

The loss of Liv has made me more depressed, anxious, paranoid, untrusting… I’ve withdrawn more. I’ve felt suicidal myself most of the time. I already was before she took her own life. Losing someone to suicide does put you at higher risk of it yourself – the Samaritans told me that. But I already knew it because I’d researched about suicide grief, as I had nobody to talk to about it.

I’ve become unreliable… flaky. I hate that. I push people away. I take forever to reply to people… if I ever even do. They eventually all give up on me. I don’t blame them. I probably would too… I just wish they knew I’m not deliberately being like this. It’s my mental health, but more than that it’s the grief. When we lose someone we love, we don’t just lose them… we lose a part of ourselves too… who we were with them in our lives – Liv made me feel like a ‘somebody’…. now without her, and without others treating me like a somebody, I feel I’m a nobody. It’s hard to reach out when you feel you don’t exist. My ability to communicate isn’t as good. My concentration isn’t good. My memory is atrocious ever since. My self-esteem has crashed even more than before. My motivation and will to live just went. I felt certain I would take the same path as Liv eventually – it seemed inevitable. Last Christmas and New Year felt like the last ones…. I even said to the Wellbeing Centre that I’d be lucky to see one more birthday – I was only holding on for that birthday, as I was seeing Westlife on that day – but that’s unlikely to happen now, so who knows….. I got a bit better at the Centre, because I was inspired by someone I formed an attachment to. But being separated from him now for the foreseeable future makes everything even harder. So yes, those ‘inevitable’ thoughts have crept back in.

Death changes people. Suicide even more so. It leaves all the questions of ‘why?’ and ‘what if?’… I’m isolated in my grief…. due to lack of friends, and loss of peer support during lockdown. I fully expect social media to be all about her today, but I’m an outsider. Nobody knows who I am. They don’t know how important she was to me. They will support each other, and not support me. Social media can be quite cliquey like that. So I told my family I might need a bit more support, and I’ve asked my key worker to phone me too, just to check in with me. She said she would, but didn’t. That’s how alone I am with this. But at least I asked for that support. That’s progress for me. One day I might get some proper help to work through this. I hope. But no amount of working through this will fix it. She’ll still be gone. Nothing can bring her back. That’s the worst part.

Do you know how deafening silence is after you get home from a live gig? That’s what life is since she left. Deafening silence. Not to imply she was loud in any way as she certainly wasn’t. But her absence is deafening to the soul. It sounds cliché but the world is definitely darker without her. It’s hard to find any meaning with her gone. Time is distorted, as it seems to be in grief…. part of me thinks ‘how has it been a year already?’… the other feels she’s been gone so much longer than that. How can I have lived in a world without her for a whole year?

I still remember the day of the funeral. I remember the courage I had to find to go there. I had to travel to a place I’d never been before, all by myself and work out the bus system to get me where I needed to be. I remember turning up and knowing I was in the right place, because of people wearing blue items, and the police officers there. Then obviously I saw people I recognised from her photos / friends list etc. So many people turned up, they couldn’t all sit down. She was so loved. I wish she knew.

I felt so alone there, but eventually got chatting to someone. We sat together, and she gave me a tissue as I started crying as they brought her past to Westlife’s ‘I’ll See You Again’. It felt too surreal that in five weeks (a week or two by the time of the funeral) we were meant to be seeing them together, and now here I was, listening to them at her funeral. It was a beautiful service, but two things still haunt me… putting my hand on the coffin, telling her I love her and saying goodbye – it broke me… and seeing the pain on the faces of her family – it’s an image I can’t shift. I know I didn’t have to go…. as unassuming as Liv was, she would never have expected me to go… I wasn’t exactly invited and found out about it by chance, through her partner. But I had to be there. Because that’s how important she was to me. She may not have known how special she was in life, but I would’ve done anything for her. Although it was traumatic, I am glad I went to the funeral and said goodbye. It made it more real. And I couldn’t have lived with myself if I didn’t go.

But I have a lot of work to do to process this still. Today I’m going to be gentle with myself, as Liv would advise me to be. I bought some tulips yesterday, to lay in the garden next to the ornament I got in memory of her. I’ll light a candle, probably play some Westlife at some point, and remember the wonderful friend I had, and how lucky I was to know her for as long as I did.

I love you Liv. I miss you. And I wish so much I could’ve saved you from yourself, because life without you is no life at all xxxx

 

Tuesday Journal: 28/04/20

Will be blogging about the hell of the last week, but thought I ought to get the journal thing out of the way first…

 

 

Things I’m grateful for:

  • Being able to get the wool to continue crocheting my blankets! Managed to order my purple wool at about 3am the other day. Crochet is life right now.
  • Chocolate.
  • Diazepam.
  • Painkillers & other pain-relievers.
  • Music.
  • Playing the old Animal Crossing game on the Wii. Wish I could get the new console & game though…..

 

What I struggled with:

  • Being upset by ‘X’, talking about it to my key worker & ending up even more misunderstood and invalidated. Will be blogging about this separately, but basically ended up with me feeling too frustrated to know how to externalise it healthily. Feel none of them ever listen to me. They fob me off with excuses and ‘reasons’ for doing things, whilst ignoring the fact I know the whole story – I know the facts and I know my feelings and both are being overlooked here. What they’re saying doesn’t make sense, so that means the truth isn’t involved. They’re just covering each other’s arses, whilst sending my mental health spiralling.

What I learnt from it:

  • Not to bother talking to the Wellbeing Centre about anything. Not whilst in isolation – they only make me worse.
  • People are dumb. They don’t read properly…. no matter how clearly I spell things out for them they’ll still misinterpret it and leave me banging my head against a brick wall. It’s not my problem – it’s theirs.  But I deserve better than this.
  • Don’t care about X…. or anyone really. Need to learn how to not care about others.
  • I should never have told the Centre about my feelings for X. It’s only with hindsight I can see it was a mistake… but I really thought they’d be more help than the IAPT service were a couple of years ago.
  • I’m going to have to work through this on my own, as other people only make it worse.
  • I’m more angry with X now than I am worried about him. Maybe that’ll do me some good.

 

What I achieved:

  • Made another NHS frontline ‘bear’ – except it’s not a bear… it’s a pig! It’s rubbish, so won’t be sharing a pig-ture.
  • Have so far crocheted nine squares for my new blanket…
  • A couple more walks. Hope to finish my miles tomorrow.
  • Guess you could call emailing my key worker an achievement, even though it led to a mental health crisis for me last night….. I’ve been told I’m brave for tackling issues like I do. Not sure about that. Starting to think it’s stupidity not bravery. And I definitely went too far last night. Embarrassed by that. Will write about it later.
  •  Not doing so well at achieving things at the moment to be honest. Just surviving is the achievement. It’s been a terrible week for me.

Open Letter to ‘X’.

*Rant – very bad language*

 

 

To X,

 

I’m sorry for caring. I’m sorry for giving a damn. I’m sorry for worrying what the hell happens to you. I’m sorry for speaking my truth. I’m sorry I’ve yet again done the wrong thing. Now I have to pick up the pieces on my own.

 

You’ve taught me it’s wrong to care. So you know what, I don’t now. I don’t give a fuck what happens to you. I don’t want to speak to you ever again. I was going to talk to someone about all this, but now I’m not. Now there’s nothing to talk about. I fucking hate you right now.

 

You just don’t get it do you…. you’re akin to my ‘FP’…. how you interact with me has such an impact on my mental health and recovery. That last message minimised what I’m experiencing. It also told me it was wrong to say anything to you at all. So I never will again. I won’t even acknowledge you. For all you know I’ll be dead. I fucking well want to be right now.

 

At every turn you make me feel like shit for feeling how I do. I guess maybe you thought this distance from you would cure me of my feelings towards you….. it doesn’t work like that. But right at this minute I don’t feel feelings for you anymore. Not positive ones anyway.

 

Everything is black. There is no hope. There is no point to anything. Any efforts I’ve been making to keep going are fucked. I don’t give a damn about recovery now. I don’t give a damn about the help you’ve devised. I don’t give a damn about you. I’ve gone from caring and worrying so damn much, that I was in tears for how much I missed you and feared for your safety and wellbeing, to now being unable to breathe through my nose, or stop hurting myself, for simply the words ‘….to someone else in the future’. You made me feel shit for being a fucking human. Fine, you don’t want to know how I feel, then fine, you never will again. You’ll never see me or hear from me ever again. I didn’t think I’d fucking survive this anyway. You clearly don’t want me to. It’s clear you’re sick of me, even with all this distance I’m too much. So fine. I’m done. I give up on recovery. I give up on caring. I give up on worrying about you. I give up on everything.

 

I shouldn’t have said what I did. I realised after I said it. But thanks so much for handling it so kindly. This was a hard enough situation before the lockdown, when it just intensified, as this fucking Coronavirus shit is also a hard enough situation itself, and now both are even worse thanks to you. I hate you. You and your lot have no idea how this separation would feel for someone in my position. Mental health ‘experts’ have no fucking clue about this sort of thing. Someone should’ve known what this would do to me. But you’re all just glad I’m out of your hair for a bit aren’t you….. probably hope I die, then I’ll never bother any of you again. This is how you make me feel.

 

I didn’t need you to care about or worry about me too. I was just expressing what I’m struggling with, and wishing you well. But I’m obviously a fucking awful person for doing that. I won’t fucking talk to anyone ever again. Anything I do is always wrong. I’m so sick of being me. Hideous, disgusting, pathetic me.

 

Goodbye X. I’m sorry I was such a nuisance to you. You’re free of me now.

 

‘Kind regards’

 

Lily