*Contains swearing & suicidal tones*
I wrote most of this at the start of the week, but finished it today… sorry I’ve not properly proof-read it…. will never get it posted otherwise!
Monday 11th May 2020
I just need to get my feelings out of my head and heart, so please forgive me if this turns into a bit of a rant….
I had an unexpected call from my key worker today. I actually had my phone off as I was avoiding her, but she called the home phone. I’d intended to not speak to her for a while after she let me down last week. I had actually plucked up the courage to ask for support for once in my life, rather than suffering in silence – I asked her to check in with me on Thursday last week (7th), as it was the one year anniversary of my friend’s suicide. People don’t tend to support me in my grief. They can’t even muster the words ‘Thinking of you xx’ like they do for other people. So I asked my key worker to check in. She said she would phone me.
I had anxiety that day in addition to everything else I felt. I dread phone calls, so regretted asking her to phone. I waited all day and no phone call. I felt really ill with a headache by 6pm so turned my phone off and kept it that way since. She let me down. Yet another person not there for me on the first anniversary date… it dredged up all those who weren’t there for me on the first anniversary of my first loss – two years ago…. the point my mental health started to unravel. It’s just the same. I asked her to call me so I wouldn’t feel that way again. So I wouldn’t feel alone. She failed me.
I was angry. But I also expected it. I guess that’s why I was so disappointed… because I knew it would happen – because that’s how people treat me. That’s how little they care. It was so predictable. And when you can predict people letting you down time and time again, eventually you get sick of it and think ‘Do I really want to keep living in this world, as this person that everyone either forgets, neglects or ignores?’
When she phoned she made reference to my email where I’d said I wanted to talk about my experience at the Centre at some point, and she was ready to listen to that. But I had actually said in the email that I was putting a pin in that at the moment, as I was focused on that first anniversary date. I told her I wasn’t actually mentally prepared for all that other stuff. The reality is I haven’t ‘got over’ yet another cock-up by them last week.
She gave ‘reasons’ for not phoning me – it involved her charger or something, and her system not working… it was BS basically. I could smell it even all these miles apart. I knew full well she had simply forgotten. These people think they can fool me but they really can’t – the sooner they learn that and be honest with me, the better, because I’m losing patience and losing trust in them each time they BS me. If she couldn’t phone me, she could’ve got in touch with someone else to contact me. She could’ve emailed me.
She didn’t seem to get the point – that I needed her to phone on the Thursday … on the day… She started talking to me about grief, and about Liv and where she might be now, and that she’s at peace, and I meant a lot to her and that the care she had for me, she took with her in her heart. It was garbage, and actually made me feel worse. It made me angry – at her and at Liv. Because it brought up feelings of ‘Yeah, I meant so much to Liv that she chose death over having to see me five weeks later’…. ‘I meant so much to Liv, that she left me alone in this world that she knew I was struggling to survive in already’…. ‘She didn’t care about me when she took her own life’…. and thinking about where she may or may not be isn’t helpful. Yes I choose to believe she’s in a better place and still with me at times. But I don’t want to hear someone theorising over where my friend is after killing herself. Especially as my key worker had pissed me off by not being there and keeping to her word when I needed her. I didn’t want to hear all that waffle. That wasn’t why I wanted to talk to her. And I didn’t want to talk to her after the event. I’m going to get bereavement counselling for that one day, if life ever improves.
The fact is I needed her last Thursday. I don’t need her now. It’s too late. I had to say to her I needed it last week, but I’m fine now. I’m not fine now, but it isn’t because Liv’s dead and I want to talk to someone about it. It’s because yet again nobody was there for me when I needed them to be. I was let down again. And the Wellbeing Centre cocked up yet again. It’s the last straw for me with them. I don’t want to talk to my key worker again. Yes I was going to talk about the issue I had the last time I went to the Centre before all this virus stuff started…. but what’s the point? She doesn’t listen. She doesn’t care. She lies to me. She forgets me. She lets me down. She doesn’t understand. And it won’t change anything – I’ll just end up more frustrated. So I think it’s best I just deal with all this shit in my head and heart on my own. I need to close off from them all. They failed me. I just have to accept it and look after myself without them.
I mean my key worker couldn’t even remember to call me by my name I commonly use. She called me by my full name, and the trouble is she’s one of those people who says your name to you every other sentence…. so every time I heard my name said to me I felt more and more disrespected and so disconnected from her. It felt like she couldn’t even remember our conversation from a couple of weeks before, where she called me Lily – it was like she thought she was talking to a different person, not me. So I truly felt she didn’t care. Of course someone I know chipped in later to say she meant well and was only trying to help me (which totally invalidated how I feel – siding with the person who triggered me… will be writing about invalidation at some point hopefully).
I get it’s a difficult time. To be honest there could be the best reason in the world for why she didn’t do what she said she would and phone me….. it wouldn’t make a difference. Okay I might ‘understand’ but the damage would still be done. It mattered so much more than people will ever get…. I needed someone to follow through on what they said they’d do… I needed the support on the day itself…. I needed to not be alone with my grief on that day – I needed change from other people … for them to be kind, caring and supportive – it’s all I ever need. It’s the only way I can continue to live in this world – if other people change their behaviours towards me. I’m done changing for others. It’s time they change for me. Make me feel I exist. Make me feel I’m worth the effort to ask after me and to be there… to deliver on promises etc. Other people are the problem in my life. Not me. Nobody seems to get that. Look – I changed. I directly asked her to phone me on that specific day – that is NOT something I would normally do. I did it in the hope I’d get a different outcome. But I didn’t. Because of the other person yet again. I am so trapped in a loop in my life… trapped by other people’s inability or lack of willing to treat me in the ways I’m asking them to. People (including the Wellbeing Centre staff now) keep teaching me how worthless I am…. how hopeless life is…. and that I’ll never be able to live in this world.
The Wellbeing Centre have treated me in ways that are so reminiscent of my past. I feel I’m living all that hell from the past again because of them, and they won’t even acknowledge their mistakes and the impact they’re having on me. The way they’ve handled the ‘transference’ issue is just the same as the IAPT service I used. If I’d known it would result in them constructing all these ways to stop me communicating with *him (‘X’); that they’d essentially sweep it under the carpet; that they’d refuse to do what would’ve helped me and choose to frustrate me instead; that I’d be left to deal with the shame and embarrassment of it all, on my own…. I really wouldn’t have bothered mentioning it to them. I would’ve kept it to myself. I should’ve kept it to myself. I stupidly thought and hoped they might approach things differently… that they might be able to help me this time. But I guess not. I guess nobody ever will. Because mental health services live by their code of conduct or whatever, and that trumps everything, including someone’s life. They’ll always put their jobs first. So I will leave another service, scarred… unable to trust mental health services and utterly terrified of ever approaching services again, because the same WILL happen again, as they failed to heal me too. It was one big fat waste of time being honest with them. Won’t happen again…. ever. I won’t ask for help with my mental health again. The Centre have seen to that.
Their inability to admit mistakes and apologise also reflects people from my past – old friends who cocked up, hurt me and refused to own their mistakes and apologise… instead choosing to pin the blame on me and make excuses for their actions.
Then there was the whole phone incident with X, where he didn’t respond to my text, which was the same as at the IAPT. That triggered me.
The thing the other week, where I was being accused of talking to the wrong person and increasing X’s workload, which apparently wasn’t what was happening…. apparently I just interpreted it wrongly. Just like when X got defensive in the group when I said I felt the material we were looking at was aimed at me (I didn’t say this exactly, but can’t be bothered to go into that whole thing again right now) – I apologised to him and my interpretation was blamed… he denied being offended etc…. said I seemed to have misunderstood and took his comment the wrong way – no… I read your body language dude. It was nothing to do with your comment. These people cover their own arses all the time – and each other’s too. It makes me feel like people are gaslighting me. I question my own sanity and sense of reality because of their distortions of the truth. I admit I have paranoia. But I’m also intuitive. I can read body language, tone, energy. I don’t like being blamed for things and accused of things that aren’t true. A past ‘friend’ did that a lot with me. Toxic girl.
And the Centre just kept putting blocks in my path and frustrating me. Like the time I was just done with the whole thing… I’d written something for them to read… wanted a very quick word at the end of the group as I handed it over for them to read…. that was the week they suddenly weren’t allowed to talk to anyone after the group anymore. So I had to give it with no explanation, which led to a devastating text from X a few days later, leaving me suicidal over the weekend. That wouldn’t have happened if they’d given me five minutes to explain. They frustrated me and caused that issue. Another one was when I wanted to know why they refused to help me in the way I asked…. I asked to speak to X before the group – while I was on my way in on the bus, he let me know someone else was joining us, as that other person would be dealing with me from then on. Each time they frustrated me was actually a ‘final’ situation. They were last conversations and it was like they were saying ‘no’ each time. No you can’t have closure. They left me with a sense of being a burden to X each time, which was the absolute last thing I ever wanted to be. But if they’d just allowed me the first final conversation with him, that would’ve been it. The way they frustrated me and rejected me every time only inflamed the situation and the feelings, and has now resulted in me hating the guts of all of them with a passion. It escalated the situation, beyond what it needed to be. And I was frustrated, losing control of the situation, seeing it spiral, feeling they were being unreasonable and not hearing me…. there’s nothing more frustrating than people not listening to you…. that level of frustration has left me feeling powerless so many times, and like smashing my head through a wall. It drives my suicidal feelings, as there’s no other option in those moments they frustrate me. The worst part is them claiming to do it all for my benefit – wanting the right support for me. That they’re ‘on my side’…. yeah right.
They denied me what would’ve helped me and what would’ve changed my life. They put me in this state, and left me in this state. They want me to have ‘the right support’ whilst ignoring the fact I was saying I didn’t NEED support. If I had been given that simple nod of the head right at the start, I would not have needed any further support. They’ve created the situation where I now need more support. They did that. They have made me a demanding and difficult person, by withholding a very simple bit of validation and reassurance. They have made me more ill. More unstable. They made me ‘too much’ to deal with. And I’m fuming about that. If they had just listened to me in the first place and done what I asked, I could’ve focused on my recovery perfectly well on my own. I was never asking X to take on a more supportive role. I was never going to lean on him. It was a one-off nod of the head to heal the broken parts of me. They said about him not being trained in such things – but I don’t think someone needs training to nod their head… unless they’re a dog. He didn’t need to be trained to show me human kindness and compassion. I wouldn’t have burdened him more… in fact I’d have burdened him a lot less! And I wouldn’t have needed support from others after that either – the only time I would’ve needed support was in the lead-up to losing him, as the separation and the loss is what I struggle with. It’s not his presence that’s the problem, but the absence. That’s why I’m struggling so much more now than they could ever understand.
A part of their decision to not do what I asked was apparently that X was concerned by something I wrote – that he could even lie if he had to…. this made him / them think that even if he did agree with what I wrote, it wouldn’t be enough to reassure me. They’re wrong. And the reality is that I only said that because I honestly believe nobody would think positive things about me. I figured anyone would have to force those sentiments out, because I’m that worthless and disgusting a human being. I didn’t want him to feel uncomfortable. I said it because people in my past couldn’t even force themselves to tell me things like ‘I miss you’, ‘You matter to me’, ‘I care about you’, or any other words… I had to drag them out of people. Even then sometimes they still couldn’t say anything kind to me. I learnt from that, that people didn’t feel a certain way about me. If they couldn’t even force themselves to say it. I figured any sentiment like that must be a lie from then on. Because if it was true then I wouldn’t have to ask for it. I’d be given it freely, like I give to others freely. So the fact is that was my past and my low self-worth talking…. preparing myself for rejection, to be honest. And that ended up with me being rejected and denied the help I needed. It would’ve been enough. But the denial of it has screwed me up more than they will ever understand. It has played out the story of my life. And it has ripped me apart and left me unable to find stability. It has frustrated me…. made me hate myself…. made me hate them and everyone…. and made me not want to exist anymore. I actually cannot tolerate this level of frustration and anger anymore. Not only did they deny me what I needed, but they gave me the opposite.
I can’t talk to X before or after the group even for two minutes. I can’t text him (which I wasn’t doing anyway – I’ve been so good at not abusing the fact I have a way of contacting him) – I just felt from his last text that I shouldn’t so much as breathe in his direction unless in the group. People keep on about him only running the group, not having a caseload. I wouldn’t have had to ‘burden’ him like I must have done to warrant so many people sheltering him, if they had listened to me and actually helped me. They created the situation and then blamed me for it. I hate them. I’ve been denied closure with him. I’m being held away from him, which actually only makes the situation a lot worse. I wish they’d understand that. It’s the separation that’s the problem here. Wankers. I can’t talk about any of this in the group. But since I can’t talk to him at any point and it feels swept under the carpet with everyone else, I feel my only option left is to start talking about this issue…. in the group!! Communicating to him through the group. I can’t talk to anyone else about any of this now. I think I’ve talked to just about everyone at the Centre now…. they’ve all fucked up, so I have no faith in any of them. They don’t listen and they’ve already concluded they’re not going to help me. They think I need to help myself. My key worker even thinks that ‘Time is a great healer’ – so effectively this will just go away by itself…. the IAPT service said the same – that it should go away by itself and if not you just don’t work with the person anymore. Basically ‘Get over your fear of losing this person or you’ll have to lose them’ – mental health professionals haven’t got a fucking clue about anything like this. I’m more of an expert than all of them put together when it comes to this subject. If only they’d listen to me and trust that I know what would’ve helped me…
By the way I thought asking for their help was a pretty good way of me ‘helping myself’…. *not* helping myself would’ve been to keep it stuffed down inside and not deal with it. I think being honest and facing the shame I felt, and saying ‘Help me!’ took guts and it’s their fault how it’s turned out – where I’m going to close off and not ‘engage’ with them anymore. I tried. They think I have to help myself with this. I can’t. If I could then I would’ve done so by now. I would’ve done so two years ago when I experienced this for the first time. I needed their help. They just didn’t want to get their hands dirty doing it. And then think it’s for the greater good…. that it’ll do me good to sort it out for myself without their help. They think they know better than me. They want me to focus on others things, which is exactly what would’ve happened if they’d just done what I suggested earlier in the year. It’s their fault that this is my focus now. That I can’t move forward from this. They had the power to help me move forward… to help me to help myself. They could’ve provided stability for me, and chose to destabilise me forever. But they will never accept fault. It will always be my fault. My choice. My unwillingness to let it go and move forward, focusing on other things. The ‘answer’ will always be to stop attending the group / Centre. I will be the scapegoat. The ‘problem’ will always be me… not the choices they made, and the ways they let me down. Ladies and gentlemen – UK mental health services – no concept of accountability.
Even now, so many of us are on our own. We’re forgotten about. Those with mental illness will be the biggest casualties to this lockdown. I don’t feel I’ll make it out alive.
Saturday 16th May 2020
I got a text yesterday from someone else at the Centre, to offer my anxiety course, online next month. I had to turn it down. I’m not coping right now… not because of anxiety but because of them. Their continual failures when it comes to me. Because of X and the reality that I’ve been torn apart from him and will probably never see him again. That’s the thing.… hearing that this Zoom thing will be the new way of working during lockdown… that tells me this is the new normal….. it made me think it could be a year, at least, until things return to normal…. if that’s the case…. if I really won’t see X, or even talk to him again for that long, without support too, then I can’t live. The loss was always the worst part. It was the first thing I realised when I developed feelings for X… ‘Great, one more person to lose’. But I wasn’t going to focus on it. I was going to make the most of the time I had with him. And then this happened. My choice was taken from me. And then the communications I’ve had with him and with my key worker since, have made me feel I mustn’t say a word to him for the whole duration of this lockdown thing. It was my intention anyway, but it’s just the fact they don’t seem to realise how extra-hard this is for me, because of the attachment I feel towards X. To have that effectively end, so suddenly, abruptly, with no closure – it’s exactly what I couldn’t face. It was the opposite of what I needed… and having it happen after fighting a battle with them over getting my needs met, and being denied what I needed in this situation… what I needed from X…. to then be savagely separated from him, and to have our last communication be that of ‘talk to someone else in the future’…. why can’t they see the damage of all this?
I know everyone is struggling for their own reasons….. but given how much they know about my situation – how much I’ve opened up to them about it… the fact it involves them … and the fact they’ve let me down so many times and denied me the help I needed, I just wish they’d have considered me a little bit more than most. I wish they’d thought of ways to help me with this specific side of things. But it shows they haven’t got a clue about any of it. They probably think this time apart from him will actually help me ‘get over him’. Ignorance must be bliss. It’s not like that at all. It’s not a chance for me to heal from this. If they think that, they’re deluded, not me. Fact is they probably feel relieved to have that break from the intensity of me and the issue… must be nice to not have to deal with me anymore, but for me there is no break from it. I’m living it. I don’t want to live it. I can’t live it. But I am. I’m suffering and it isn’t going to go away because of distance and time. It doesn’t work like that. I don’t work like that. So I hope they enjoy the peace… the break from me, but I cannot enjoy such peace. I know only screaming pain and desperation. I can’t have a break from the intensity of my feelings. I can’t escape my feelings around him and all of this. I’m not as lucky as them. No matter how many months pass, this issue will still be there just the same when life returns to normal. I hope they realise that. I’m not sure they do.
So I have to deal with all this on my own. I can’t. But I have to. So I can’t do their courses right now. And particularly online. I want the maximum benefit from this ‘help’ I’m getting from them. Even if it means waiting. I’d waited long enough already to finally get some degree of help from someone. I don’t want my course to be done remotely, online, away from people, and then the next ones all return to the Centre and mine was just done and dusted online. I deserve the same chance as everyone else. I know they’re trying to help and support people during lockdown. But it’s clear they don’t understand my struggles at the moment, and that they are the cause of it. I would not get anything out of these courses right now, in the headspace I’m in, and my focus wouldn’t be actual anxiety of everyday life…. it would be about lockdown. So it wouldn’t ultimately help me in my life, going forward.
I want to be left alone by them now for a while. It screws me up each time they get in touch. They’ve wounded me so many times and not allowed me to heal. I need a break from the heartache of them. So I hope they will leave me alone for a while. I don’t intend to talk to them. There’s no point. I thought my IAPT experience was bad…. this is worse. Because I actually explained that experience to them, and they wanted me to have a better experience. Failed didn’t it….
Hopefully have a post about the attachment issues during lockdown, at some point – written most of it, but struggling with putting things into words lately, and with finishing things I start. That’s why it’s taken so long to post this one too. There’s chaos in my head at the moment. And I’m starting to see no end to it. My life just feels like one big tragedy… it’s gone beyond a nightmare now, and there’s no waking up from it. This is life now. A life I don’t want, and a life I can’t live. I’m back to wishing to just get the damn virus and die from it. Then I wouldn’t have to bear another second of feeling how I do right now.