Soon.

Soon

*Suicide theme*

 

 

I never recovered from Adam disappearing on me.
I never recovered from the things Nick said.
I never recovered from the things Joe did.
I never recovered from Gill’s betrayal, and losing her and Sam.
I never recovered from how Hannah treated me.
I never recovered from losing Grampa.
I never recovered from therapy and my attachment to Matt.
I never recovered from being neglected on the first anniversary of my loss.
I never recovered from all the abuse online last year.
I never recovered from the way you treated me.
I never recovered from you ghosting me, like everyone else did.
I never recovered from you blocking me.
I never recovered from Liv taking her own life.
I never recovered from your absence in the wake of that.
I never recovered from losing Chloe and Logan from my life.
I never recovered from losing you.

 

I never recovered.

Not from any of it.

Do you get it now?

Do you understand why I changed?

Do you understand why I’m desperate to end my own life?

I never recovered from any of it. The experiences I had, built up and became too much.

I wasn’t just battling one thing at a time. I was being hit by all of these things over and over again, each time a new loss, a new traumatic event or anything remotely painful occurred.

I can’t recover from any of it. I never will.

And you turning your back on me when you did, that was the terminal moment of my life.

That was the moment I knew I’m destined to take my own life sooner or later.

When I had you I had at least the hope of recovery. I had something worth recovering for. I had the kids. I had someone I thought cared. I had someone who never gave up on me.

But you did.

You gave up on me too.

Now there’s nothing left.

To fight against that mountain of loss and trauma is hard enough.

To have to do it without your best friend by your side is impossible.

To have your best friend jump up and down on top of that mountain, increasing the load, is unbearable.

The worst part is that you never were to understand the layers of trauma and pain I felt.

You could never sympathise, as you didn’t know the mountain of memories and emotions on my shoulders.

You didn’t know the burden I had to carry.

I carried it alone.

I didn’t want to burden you or anyone else.

And somehow I still did.

Even keeping my distance from you, I was still ‘too much’.

You walked away.

In my mind and heart I feel you never thought of me again.

You were happier.

You were free.

You forgot all about me.

You were friends with Sam, with Gill, with Hannah – you replaced me with her.

What a win for them all… to know we’re not friends anymore… that you cut me out.

Eight months… eight months since you blocked me… the first time.

You blocked every way of me connecting with you again.

You moved house, and told me nothing of it.

Can you not see the pain that would cause?

What did I do to deserve all this?

I can’t recover.

I won’t recover.

This is too much.

I have no life to return to if I do recover.

Everything is gone.

Liv is gone. You’re gone. The kids are gone.

Everything has changed.

All the people who were once my friends have grown up and created lives for themselves. You would know – they’re your friends now.

And I’m stuck here. Powerless. Paralysed. Unable to change. Unable to survive. Because you all destroyed me. You all took my trust and my care and crapped all over it. You left me a broken mess on the cold floor. You left me too traumatised to even move anymore.

With you in my life I could see a little light.

Now there’s pitch black.

There’s only the desperate urge to end this life.

There’s silence.

No friends. No connections. Nothing.

Just emptiness and anticipation of death.

You did this to me.

I wish you could’ve understood the weight I carried in my heart and my mind, from all that’s scarred me forever.

I wish you would’ve helped bear the load.

I wish you hadn’t added to the pile.

I remember at therapy, with my attachment to Matt, saying that I knew I was facing another loss, which would add to the pile of loss and pain… the unresolved trauma. I was right. That’s what happened.

A lot has happened since then, to add to that ‘pile’.

You.

Liv.

So much more.

What makes it the worst is I didn’t want any of this.

I didn’t want to lose you.

I mentioned stepping back for my mental health and our friendship.

I never would have blocked you.

You made it permanent.

Why??

Why do you hate me so much?

Do you not understand what you’ve done to me?

Do you honestly want me to kill myself?

Is that it?

Because if not then you’ve gone about everything so utterly wrong.

Do you know that I’ve written you a note for when that time comes…. and something I wanted the kids to know too….God knows how I’ll get it to you, now I don’t know where in the world you live.

But do you really want me to leave this world thinking you mean me harm and hate me? Do you want to have to live with that on your conscience for the rest of your life? That you could’ve sorted things out with me and not pushed me towards this certainty with your cruel abandonment, when I was already breaking under the weight of everything else in the last ten years…

How will you live, knowing you could have done something to prevent this?

I deserved more.

I deserved enough respect to talk to me, and not just abandon me so casually.

Did thirteen years really mean so little to you?

Did I mean so little?

In the last three years a lot has happened…

I had to learn to live in a world with grief in my heart. Real grief. My first loss.

My world changed. I never recovered from that.

I had a breakdown at therapy and went down a slippery slope with my self-harm. I never recovered from that.

I was neglected by everyone… I was isolated whilst experiencing this new grief, and the breakdown of my mental health. I never recovered from that.

I felt you pulling away from me… a long abandonment over about a year. I was right to fear losing you. That fear affected me in ways I never expected. I will never recover from losing you and the kids.

I lost Liv…. five weeks before I was finally set to see her again in person. It would never happen. I’ll never get to talk to her again. I’ll never get over that….. now I want to be with her. I don’t want to exist in this hell of a world, where nothing is right, and nothing is left, and I’m buried under that mountain of hurt and loss. That mountain you stuck your flag in, to claim a victory over me, as you blocked me… taking all the power for yourself to decide when I may talk to you again.

You won.

You defeated me.

Well done.

You were in control.

All the good it’ll do you when I’m gone.

But I feel you don’t care an inch about that.

But let me tell you, from experience…. losing a friend to suicide is one of the most traumatic things you could ever experience…. all the words you never got to say to them…. the questions unanswered…. feeling you could’ve said or done something to stop it happening. It’s a brief moment and they’re gone. You can’t change it. You can’t get them back. You have to live with the burden for the rest of your life. It’s a burden I can’t carry…. not on my own…. not now I’ve lost you too.

But you’ll be alright. You have lots of other friends to help you carry ‘the burden’ of losing me, should you feel anything about it when it happens.

You’ll never have to feel what I feel now.

You’ll never know how alone I’ve felt.

You’ll never know the weight I carried in total isolation.

You’re lucky.

You’ll quickly recover.

You don’t have my illness.

You weren’t screwed over by everyone you ever trusted.

You don’t have my memories.

You’ll survive.

You survived losing me as your friend. You chose it. You’ll survive losing me forever. As far as I know this is it for us forever anyway…. that’s how it feels. So you’ve already adjusted to my absence. It won’t make much difference my being gone.

And you’d better not cry, or come to the funeral – not that I’d have one… nobody would be there.

You could’ve done something… all you had to do was care. All you had to do was put our friendship ahead of your pride. All you had to do was talk to me.

You just had to not walk away from me at the lowest point of my life and treat me like I was nothing.

But then I guess I really am nothing.

If I was anything to you then you would’ve stayed and fought for me, like I tried to do for you.

You wouldn’t have given up.

You wouldn’t have run away.

Everyone runs away.

It’s the biggest sign they never cared.

Nobody ever cared.

I was just a game to them all.

A game of ‘power’.

I’m done being a pawn in a game of ‘control’…. simply used to boost the ego or get something.

I may not deserve more.

I will never have more.

But I’m done.

I won’t be used anymore.

I won’t be ignored anymore.

I won’t be mistreated anymore.

I won’t BE anymore.

Soon.

 

 

 

* Just expressing feelings. I do feel all this, but it’s not imminent,
so nobody worry about me…. not that people tend to…*

Things I Wish You Said.

These are things I wish people had said to me when it mattered…. this can be from friends past and present, family, bullies, men, or anyone who ever crossed my path and left a mark in my life. The impact of these few words would be tremendous for someone like me. So it’s sad that I’ve rarely heard such sentiments. The fact these things most often have gone unsaid has broken me. A series of imperfect people in this imperfect world, neglecting to be kind or help at all with a sense of closure, have left open wounds all over my body and soul. I know life doesn’t always allow us closure…. but from guys disappearing from my life, to friends betraying and hurting me with no remorse, to nobody saying I mattered to them, to leaving it too late to say ‘I love you’ and never being able to hear it back, to being ripped away from someone I was attached to in therapy… it’s all too much. All I’ve ever wanted was ONE person to prove that there can be a good ending in life. After too much of it I put my final faith in therapy, thinking they’d help me do this. They did not. It was a missed opportunity. So I struggle on with life, awaiting the next hurt, the next betrayal, the next loss, knowing I will never hear a single one of the things I need to hear in order to heal….

 

  • I’ll never forget you. I’ll always remember you.
  • Your friendship means / meant a lot to me.
  • I’m glad to have known you.
  • I miss you / I’ll miss you.
  • I’m sorry. What I did was wrong. Please forgive me.
  • I love you.
  • I care about you / worry about you.
  • I value you.
  • You’re special.
  • You’re beautiful.
  • I couldn’t live without you.
  • You’ve give me such lovely memories.
  • I’m flattered you feel that way for me.
  • You deserve better than me.
  • Is there anything you want to say or to ask me?
  • I lied to you. I lied about you. I’m sorry.
  • I was selfish. I’m sorry.
  • I let you down. I’m sorry.
  • You have every right to hate me.
  • I trust you.
  • I admire you.
  • You matter to me.
  • You’re not a burden, and I’ll kick the ass of anyone who makes you think that!
  • Thank you for everything you do and for being you.
  • I believe in you. I have faith in you.
  • I’m proud of you.
  • I have your back.
  • I don’t want to lose you.
  • I’m not going to leave you.
  • Nothing changes how I feel about you.
  • You’re a good person.
  • You mean the world to me.
  • I’m so lucky to have you.
  • I will help you through this. You’ve got me on your side, we’ll do this together.
  • Your feelings matter most to me.
  • I had feelings for you too.
  • I made a mistake.
  • I never wanted to hurt you.
  • Losing you was painful for me.
  • I wish I could undo what I did.
  • You didn’t deserve that.
  • I wish we could have had our chance.
  • I wish I’d met you sooner.
  • You make me happy.
  • I want you to be happy.
  • You deserve to experience love. I hope you’ll find it soon.
  • I understand you.
  • I want to understand you.
  • I want to learn everything about you.
  • Tell me how you’re feeling…
  • It’s okay that you feel that way.
  • You’re not alone.
  • I wish you well.
  • Goodbye.

It Hurts…

IT HURTS

 

 

That you would see me crying, and feel no pain at my suffering.

That you would hear me say how alone I feel, and feel no responsibility as my friend to make sure I know I’m never alone.

That you would interpret my words as an attack on you as a person, rather than as an expression of inner turmoil and mental illness.

That you know what I’ve been through with other people, and put me through the same.

That you weren’t there for me on the one year mark… as I was reminded of the loss of my granddad, I faced the loss of my friends too.

That you continue to be distant, knowing I’m in pain… knowing I’m lonely… knowing I want to die.

That you have no fear of losing me.

That you expect me to do things I’m not capable of right now, like reaching out to you.

That you don’t understand my illness.

That you aren’t willing to make allowances for me.

That you aren’t prepared to make the effort.

 

IT HURTS

 

That you stood by and watched me drown.

That you couldn’t even show you cared about me.

That you left me for weeks, thinking I was a terrible person, that nobody cared, that I’d lost everything, at a time I was already incredibly vulnerable because of the one year mark, and having nobody there for me.

That I’ve slowly been losing my importance in your life, just as I feared would happen five years ago.

That you agree with me, that I’m not worthy of happiness, friendship and love.

That you have given up on me, just as I’ve given up on myself.

That you see no hope for me.

That you can’t handle my depression anymore. You can’t. What about me?

That you’ve forgotten I exist.

That you would sooner lose me as a friend, than do what’s needed to save our friendship.

That you always abandon me at the worst times.

 

IT HURTS

 

That I have to hold all this inside and say nothing about it, because it will upset you… so I hide it for so long that all it does is hurt me over and over again… until I get to the point I can’t take it anymore.

That you would rather I hurt myself than be honest about why I’m hurting myself.

That I matter so little to you.

That you don’t think I’m a friend to be proud of. I agree though.

That you could see me spiralling down, and did nothing to catch me.

That you didn’t communicate with me if there was some reason you couldn’t be there for me… therefore letting me fill in the blanks.

That you knew what this was doing to me, and didn’t care.

That you obviously wanted to communicate something negative to me by withholding care and support.

That you’re probably now offended, but don’t give a fig about the offence I feel at being ditched by everyone at the worst point in my life.

That you’ll blame me for all this, when it could have been fixed with a bit of effort.

 

IT HURTS

 

That I wasn’t even initially upset with you – it was everyone else, but then you acted like the rest of them, so now it’s you too.

That I expected more from you. They were just acquaintances neglecting me. You were my best friend.

That you didn’t want to learn about my mental illness, to better understand me and to help our friendship.

That you are abandoning me because of my mental illness and grief.

That you know I’m scared of losing you, but you didn’t put my mind at ease, if there was a good reason for not being there… you let me fall apart instead. You let me believe you didn’t care.

That you would rather I killed myself or ended up in hospital, instead of feeling like I’m ‘controlling you’ – even though that’s not what I’m doing. Even though expecting you to make the next move is not manipulating you, it’s saying that I can’t open up to you because I believe you don’t care anymore. Even though I have crippling depression and don’t trust anyone.

That you know I’m paranoid at the moment, and your silence and neglect has allowed all these thoughts to fester, but you will be offended that I think them, even though you could’ve nipped it in the bud and told me you cared about me and that I’m not alone.

That you’re a closed book, so I can’t know if there’s a reason you’re neglecting me, but I’ve made my pain and despair so obvious you couldn’t miss it… and still, nothing.

That you can’t understand what assumptions I would make from that.

That when things got tough, you walked away… just like the rest of them.

 

IT HURTS

 

That even you couldn’t see my worth in the end.

That you found it so easy to walk away, seeing me in desperate pain.

That you didn’t ask if I was okay, even though the answer was obviously no.

That you communicate through silence, and you clearly don’t care what happens to me as a result, as you can see for yourself what it does to me.

That I don’t know if you’d even come to my funeral at this point… if I did make that choice. Would you even care then?

That I feel like I’m dead to you and you wouldn’t miss me if I actually was.

That you were like a sister to me. You were my best friend. And I never pictured life without you.

That you said I’d never lose you, and yet here we are…

 

 

IT HURTS

Open Letter To My Friends.

Helping you to help me.

 

To my friends,

 

I’ve been distancing myself from you all, and from ordinary life. I wanted to take the opportunity to explain and apologise for this. I think all of you are aware of my mental illness. I’ve always had this illness, so it’s nothing new. But having said that it has not been this bad since long before you knew me. This has been a steady, slow-building problem, but predominantly worsened by the events of last year. The combination of family troubles, my first loss and my struggles at therapy have dragged me down lower than I can remember. Ever since I had my breakdown during the therapy group in week three, my life has changed. I am under the control of self-harm again, and although I had been harming before that happened, I had control over it, not the other way around.

 

My depression has worsened. This has changed me into a person I no longer recognise. I feel ashamed. I feel hopeless. My self-esteem is under 6 feet of earthworms. The depression I feel has triggered off the worst parts of my BPD. It has convinced me that you all hate me, you’re sick of my negativity, you’re all going to leave me (stop talking to me), that I’m an awful friend, an awful person, and nobody cares. This in turn made me defensive. This made me push you away, to force what I saw as a done deal.

 

I tried reaching out in the earlier stages of this, but I went unnoticed. I took this as proof that nobody cared, and that I’m as irrelevant and worthless as I feel. Before I pulled away from everyone I went through the first anniversary of the loss of my granddad. I posted about this a few times, and I’ll admit I am upset that none of you commented, messaged me or anything, to show support. I guess having not personally gone through this experience before, I expected that’s what people do, as I’d seen them do with other people. Perhaps I’m wrong. That’s what upset me though. It felt like nobody had my back, which triggered a whole wave of memories for me. It also felt like nobody saw the value of my granddad. I now realise it doesn’t matter, because I know his value, and my family do. It just would have been nice to feel supported at that difficult time – the first I’d experienced.

 

It made me ‘split’ on you all. It made me think you were ‘bad friends’. And I’m sorry for that. I haven’t reconciled it with the truth yet, as I’ve still not spoken to any of you. But you’re not bad friends. This was just unfortunate. People get busy, and have their own issues. I know I’m not that important in life. And to some I’m probably viewed as ‘an acquaintance’ more than I am ‘a friend’. So I’m expecting more from people than is reasonable, based on that fact.

 

I didn’t come off of Facebook to make people care, or get attention. I did it, because being on there, feeling invisible and still resentful that nobody supported me, and seeing everyone chatting to each other while I felt ignored, was making me feel worthless. It was like a dull stab in the heart every time I logged in. So I had to protect myself from that feeling. I found refuge on Twitter and on my blog, because my voice felt more heard there. I didn’t feel as irrelevant as I felt on Facebook. My blog became my outlet for my emotions, as I tried to not be taken over by self-harm. It’s saved me on several occasions… but in the process I fear it may have damaged relationships with some of you. This has made me scared to come back, and to talk to you again. As I’m in a paranoid and guilty state, I detect things like a change in ‘tone’, or I notice things that aren’t said. I make assumptions that you’re upset with me. Or that you’re despairing of me. And it makes me shut down, as I don’t know what to say in response. I don’t know what to say to you. I’m not ignoring you because I’m mad with you. I’m not ignoring you to upset you. I’m ignoring you because I can’t see a way out of this mess I’ve created in my head. I haven’t found the right opening yet, to free me from this mental prison. I need reassurance, care and warmth – but I feel undeserving of it at the same time, for the way I’ve been these past weeks.

 

When you have nobody to validate your feelings, and challenge your beliefs, it's hard to know what to .jpg

 

I came off to protect myself, and avoid negative emotions. But there hasn’t been a lack of negative emotions… because unfortunately nobody seemed to notice or care that I’d gone. Nobody checked in to see if I was okay. I understand by coming off Facebook I made that harder, but there were other ways to get in touch. And the resounding silence was shocking. One person asked if I was okay on my old Facebook account. That meant a lot. And another I’ve also had contact with on Twitter. So thank you to those people for noticing my pain when nobody else did. Anything else feels too little too late. I know my motto should be ‘better late than never’, but it’s hard to know how to respond to anyone once you reach that point of no-return. For anyone interested, I’ve not spoken to anybody about what’s wrong. Even those who did reach out to me – I was unable to put it into words. I’ve been in shutdown mode. Like I said, the only outlet I’ve had has been the occasional tweet, and my blog. It’s been the only way to organise my thoughts and state them. I don’t talk to my family about any of this. So I have had to cope with a heavy burden totally alone. I’m not asking for sympathy here, I’m just saying it’s hard to know the right thing to do when you have no sounding board. When you have nobody to validate your feelings and challenge your beliefs, it’s hard to know what to do, how to cope and what to say. So I don’t always make the best choices when left alone in my head for so long.

 

I know that I overvalue people. I give them more importance than they give me. It’s wrong of me to assume I mean as much to you as you mean to me. At this point I wouldn’t blame you for having the thought ‘I mean something to you?? Doesn’t feel that way!’… I agree. I’ve been a rubbish friend lately. And here’s the honest bit – I’m probably going to continue to be a rubbish friend for quite a while yet. I don’t enjoy it. I promise you I beat myself up for it constantly. But I’m not coping very well.

 

It’s been so long since I’ve been this unwell mentally (the physical illness isn’t helping much at the moment either!)… I’ve forgotten how to cope with life when feeling this bad. I’ve forgotten how to pull myself out of such a bleak depressed state. The last time I did this I think I had professional support, and I had my support network – my group of friends. So I’m struggling to do this alone. In fact that’s a lie. I’m not struggling. Struggling would imply effort to do something. I have given up. I know that on my own I can’t beat this. So after pulling away from everyone, I’ve given up on life. I now just sit in the deep black hole I fell into. I just sit there twiddling my thumbs, waiting for the end. I’ve given up fighting. 

 

fix

 

I know that you must feel frustrated with me. You must feel helpless. You must have no clue how to help me. Just know that I feel the same. I’m so utterly frustrated with myself. I don’t know how anyone can help me. I’m not actually asking for you to fix this. I’m asking you to tolerate me at the very least. I’m asking you to, if you can – love me, care about me, and stick by me, giving me the support, validation and reassurance I need, to make me feel safe and secure, and like there’s some hope left for me. I have people on Twitter and on my blog who tell me I’m not a lost cause… they validate my feelings…. they are consistently there, noticing my existence, comforting me with kind words. This has been invaluable to me in the last few weeks. But I need this from my friends. I need this from you. Please. I know I’m unbearable at the moment. I’ve given up on myself. What I need is for you to not give up on me too. I need reminding of what I mean to you, and why. I need reminding of who I am. I need reminding of what matters. I’m not fishing for compliments. I’m not digging around for attention, or trying to inflate my ego. I’m asking for help to feel better about myself and about life. I’m having to ask for this, because it’s lacking in my life. I’m not someone constantly in need of praise. I’m not egotistical and lapping up admiration. I’m feeling neglected, and I’m asking for that to change. It’s not meant as a criticism. It’s just me trying a more constructive way of asking for what I need. If that makes me too demanding then so be it, but at least I tried.

 

I am sorry that even if a month ago you said something nice to me, and made me feel like I had a friend, sometimes life happens, my depression gets worse, my doubts creep in, my low self-esteem strikes and I forget what you said. I forget you care. I forget that you are a good friend. It doesn’t mean you’re not a good friend. It simply means I have a mental illness and it plays tricks on my mind. But the best thing to do when you can see this happening, is stop it from escalating to the point of no-return. Remind me of what you said to me. Remind me of your friendship. Remind me that you care. To me this is bog-standard thinking. If I saw my friend spiralling out of control, hating herself, feeling she had no friends, feeling suicidal, and thinking nobody would care if she disappeared for good…. I can’t imagine sitting back and hating her. I can’t imagine staying silent and confirming her belief that I don’t care. I can’t imagine denying her the reassurance, validation and caring that she needs. That is neglect. That is what many people with BPD experienced as a child. They didn’t have their emotional needs met. I’m not talking about my upbringing here, because that was not the case for me. But denying someone the emotional care they require is abuse at the worst, and neglect at the very least. I may not have been denied what I’ve needed. It could be people didn’t know what I needed. It could be I have offended you, and therefore my punishment is to not have those needs met, as I don’t deserve it. I accept this. But with my depression and my paranoia towards everyone right now, I feel I have been deliberately denied support… warmth… compassion. And that puts me on edge when people do eventually talk to me. I don’t believe they really wish the best for me. I don’t believe they actually want to talk to me.

 

I just wanted to explain the process that goes on in my head at times like this. It’s a vicious circle, and if I did what I learnt in therapy, I would try to break that circle, but like I said, with nobody to help me it’s been difficult. I guess this is me trying to break the circle by approaching it differently. Ideally I’d speak directly to people, but I’m not ready for that. I need to give you all the chance to understand me better first. So that you know where I’m coming from.

 

I’ll understand if you’re all done with me now. I would be too. I know I’m toxic right now. I know I’m draining. I know I’m a burden and don’t have a lot to offer you just now. I can’t promise when I’m going to be back to my old self. I’ve not felt this awful for at least ten years, I don’t know the way out. It feels an impossible climb right now. I don’t see an end to it.

 

I’m not good at replying. I’m not good at socialising at the moment. I won’t reach out and ask you if you want to meet up, because I’ve done that with people over the past year or two, and it never happened – it was empty words of ‘we should catch up’, without substance, so eventually I stopped asking. So if you want to see me, then I need you to ask me. I might not be able to meet, but I still want to feel included. This is important to me, because of what I experienced as a child at school. I was socially excluded and isolated, and this damaged me more than words can explain. It’s probably the reason I am how I am now. It’s that thing whereby someone wants to be alone, but they don’t want to feel lonely. And they want to stay at home, but still want to be invited. If I turn down meeting up, it’s either because I’m busy, or more likely because I’m scared. I have no confidence at the moment. I don’t like going out and being around people. If you can help with this fear then great – if you can meet me off the bus, or we can go somewhere quiet, or anything else you can think of that might help, I’d really appreciate it. Going outside the house is a huge deal at the moment. It’s been years since I’ve been such a hermit, and ‘socialising’ terrifies me right now. I want to feel safe and protected. Sorry if that makes me sound pathetic at my age. I’ve taken huge steps back in my recovery, and my anxiety is getting worse now too. I don’t do social gatherings that involve eating food, as I have social anxiety which makes me feel uncomfortable eating in front of other people, unless I know them well and feel comfortable. Drinks are okay. I have to use public transport, and doing so on my own at night fills me with dread, as it’s been so long since I’ve done that – besides, the public transport here at night is non-existent. Group meet-ups are overwhelming for me at the moment. But one-on-one meetings would be nice. Same with discussions – group ones overwhelm me. Private ones are welcome.

 

247

 

It might seem like a rollercoaster with me – one day I’m chatting and laughing with you, a couple of days later I’m talking about not having any friends. This is most likely a series of events that happened inside my mind. And depression has a way of lying to you. A few days ago I felt angry that I had to explain this concept to you – I’m ill, why should I have to tell you that my illness tricks me into thinking things that aren’t true?? You should read up about these things, and KNOW it. If I wasn’t so self-aware people would understand it more! Why do I have to explain myself when I’m too ill to give a crap?!  – But in the process of writing this letter, I realise that if you don’t understand mental illness and depression, then you’re seriously not going to understand that it’s like having a bully by your side 24/7. I don’t hear ‘voices’, but I do have a voice inside of me, that masquerades as my friend but is my enemy. It’s a part of me that’s intent on self-destruction and self-sabotage. If you don’t have that part, you’re lucky, but you’ll also never understand someone like me. It’s constantly there, telling me nobody cares, I’m worthless, I mess everything up, I deserve to be as alone as I feel, I’ll never be loved, I’ll never succeed, people would be happy if I killed myself. This isn’t a separate being telling me these things. This is me. It’s the ill part of me. And when I’m not so ill it’s easier to challenge these thoughts, and feel happier feelings to balance it out. But when I’m as ill as I am now, those thoughts are facts. And those are the times I NEED my friends…. to make me see they’re not facts, and to counter those beliefs with the truth, in the form of care and appreciation.

 

What has happened here is that voice in me has won. And by having nobody fight against it, and you all leaving me in silence, it’s given power to that voice. It’s made me believe what it says must be true, as ‘where are all my friends??’ It honestly made me believe you’d all be happier if I was dead. And if that’s not true for instance, then I need you to tell me that. I need you to tell me how you’d feel if I WAS dead. I need you to tell me what I bring to your life that you’d lose if I wasn’t here anymore. The things you appreciate about me. I don’t want to have to ask for this. I shouldn’t have to ask for it. And I believe I’m not worth the effort it takes to say nice things to me. But if you’re my friend and you care about me, I need you to prove me wrong. Prove I’m worth the effort. Prove I’m not a lost cause. Prove I matter. Because at this moment in time I’ve never felt more hopeless or worthless.

 

I might not be very giving at this time. But once upon a time I was. I used to put in so much effort to friendships. I was always a very giving person, until a time came where I realised my friendships weren’t balanced. People took me for granted, and since then I started holding back more. And then of course I was hit by this wave of mental illness, and now I feel incapable of giving, as I’m running on empty. I hope in time I will be able to give back, but I hope you will be patient with me and be willing to accept whatever I have to offer for now, even if it’s only my company. I realise I’ve become selfish. Part of that is feeling like nobody cares about me, so I have to care about me – but the thing is even then I still have that half of me (more than half actually), that doesn’t care about me either.

 

I’m insecure nowadays. People backstabbing me, letting me down, standing me up, playing with my feelings, abandoning me, crushing my heart and overall being arseholes, has led to me being uncertain of people’s intentions. I don’t trust. But if I appear to have any trust at all in you you’re lucky. My paranoia is a troublemaker for me at the moment. It causes conflict in relationships, because it makes assumptions about what you’re thinking – what you think of me, what you’re saying about me. I hate it. And it’s not something that’s really featured in my past with mental illness. It’s relatively new. So it’s hard to know how to cope with it. Keeping away from people tends to be the best way. But even then my mind doesn’t shut down. It continues overthinking things.

 

The bottom line is – if you notice I’ve disappeared, or I sound like something’s really up, then please say something to me. Don’t ignore me. Don’t leave me to stew in my own thoughts. Don’t leave me alone in my head for too long…. if left alone too long I will end up in a place I can’t escape from. Like right now. This could have been stopped if one person said enough, early enough. The turning point was nobody saying anything on the anniversary of my granddad’s passing…. or for a further week after that. That’s when I decided nobody cared. There were warning signs, and I wish someone could have noticed them and said something before it became too late. I only hope it’s not too late to salvage friendships now.

 

The bottom line is – if you notice I've disappeared, or I sound like something's really up, then pleas.jpg

 

I’ve never felt so alone, and I hope to never experience this level of isolation again. Although I felt abandoned at a time I needed my friends, and I was hurt, a lot of this has been in my head. So ‘my fault’. But that’s mental illness for you. That’s why I’m opening up in this way and explaining to you all that this will happen sometimes, and saying what I need from you if it does happen. I can’t blame you for not knowing what’s going on in my head. I can’t be mad at you for not being mind-readers, even if I did suggest I wasn’t okay, you wouldn’t know the full extent of the chaos in my head. I can’t blame you for not understanding a mental illness you likely don’t have. Although I wish people would just learn about these things and I didn’t have to explain it, ultimately if I want the support then I have to make my friends understand what support I need and why. I’ve not been good at communicating my needs, and I hope this is at least a small improvement.

 

I apologise for the ways I’ve handled things in this difficult time. I was upset, and unable to express that in the right way. I couldn’t reach out directly to any of you, as there’s a block there. I struggle with conversation right now. My paranoia tells me I’m an outsider, a nobody, an unwelcome freak. It’s hard to fight those thoughts. My inner voice stops me talking to you all. And I find communication quite stressful so I just avoid it if possible. But I do care about you. Life has just become too much to bear. I’m sorry that my inability to cope with life may impact on you and on our friendship. I was doing the best I could. But believe me, I know it’s not enough. If you can forgive me and give me another chance, I will try harder, but I will need your help. In order to preserve our friendship you may need to learn more about my mental illness, to understand that I’m not trying to be ‘difficult’, I’m finding life difficult, and hopefully a good chat will explain what you can do to help me in the future.

 

If this helps make sense of what’s happened, and you’re prepared to help me going forward, you know where I am, and what I need. If there’s too much water under the bridge, then so be it. Mental illness is an endless, tiring, draining experience – for those who suffer with it, and those who support them. Nobody chooses to have a mental illness. But you can choose whether to support me or not. And there’s nothing to say you have to. It’s not easy. But I will always remember the ones who did. The ones who never gave up on me. The ones determined to help me see the sunshine again.

xxxx

 

 

Mental illness is an endless, tiring, draining experience - for those who suffer with it, and those who%.jpg

Exodus Of Friends.

*Bad language*

 

 

I am the most alone I’ve ever been in my life. And it’s the worst time it could happen. I have nothing left. My mental health is the worst it’s been in many years. I’m grieving for the first time in my life. All of my friends managed to miss the fact I went through the first year mark last month. Look, I know it wasn’t my mum or my dad I lost, so people think ‘What’s the big deal?? It was only your granddad‘ but for fuck’s sake, it was my first major loss. He mattered to ME. I’ve not experienced the grieving process before. I had never gone to a funeral. My first funeral I’ll remember for how my extended family fucked it up. I had never been through the one year mark. I needed to feel the support of people. There was none. Now I’ll remember that first year for the wrong reasons – for the lack of care from friends. I can only assume it’s because they figure I wasn’t that close to him, and all grandparents die. But there is a hole in the world without him. We’re doing our best to carry on, but life is different now. Other people get words of support and comfort on their relatives’ anniversary dates, even years later, but I didn’t get a single nod for his first one… my first one. I can understand if I hadn’t posted about it, but I did. Several times.

This is where a lot of my hurt is stemming from at the moment. This is what made me split on everyone. It’s only been made worse by the fact I’ve disappeared for two weeks, and nobody’s even been in touch to check I’m okay. I don’t know what would be worse – that they’re purposefully avoiding me, and not talking to me because they’re annoyed with me, or that they have just forgotten to get in touch / that I exist. Both are highly offensive. The amount of time that’s passed with nobody caring is too much now. I’ve passed the point of no-return. I have to assume I’ve upset them, or they’ve simply stopped giving a damn about me. In which case fine. I’m not going to apologise for feeling like nobody cares. I’m not going to apologise for expressing that my mental illness is having this impact and that I needed people to reassure me and support me. I was told that my friends aren’t worthy of me. I personally wouldn’t say that. But I did deserve better than this. I am deeply upset at my irrelevance. I feel like an outsider to all of them. But to be honest I wouldn’t be able to see a way back from this now….

With the splitting and anger actually comes guilt, shame and the feeling that I’m selfish. Whenever I’ve felt nobody was there for me before, and someone explained why they weren’t there I’ve felt awful, as they had their own stuff to deal with. So now, whenever I’m upset that I’ve been neglected and abandoned, I automatically feel as though I don’t deserve support, because I’m not there for others. I automatically feel guilty and selfish for the assumptions my mind makes.

I’ve not had an experience like this before, where I’ve been so outspoken about my feelings on this subject. I worry people may have read things and it may have pushed people further away. But there’s nothing I can do about that now. The trouble is, those thoughts send me into a shutdown mode, where I resign myself to having lost everyone, so I don’t try to reach out anymore… and then I’m full of self-pity for causing this mass exodus of friends myself.

It takes me on a tumultuous journey of emotions inside. And the only time anyone would know about it, is when I post something online, or write a blog like this. I can’t reach out and talk to people directly now. It’s become too complex. This is my only outlet. I tried explaining my fears, my needs, my emotions, and either nobody cared enough to read, or they read it and still didn’t care. It really felt like a blanket abandonment. One person was ‘liking’ my posts. But nobody was talking to me… not when it mattered.

I’ve given up now. I may as well be dead to them.

If anyone asked how I am now I wouldn’t even know how to answer. Of course when people ask that they never really want to know how you are anyway. But I’m not able to say ‘I’m okay’. I still hurt myself. My trichotillomania (hair-pulling) is out of control. I’m so depressed and anxious I don’t want to leave the house. I’m not looking after myself. I’m still unwell physically after two months. I think I’m in a cycle – where I feel worse mentally because of physical illness, but my illness won’t clear off because I’m low mentally. I’m still struggling with grief and also with the transference stuff. I’m struggling to do my voluntary work. My ‘mentor’ is on the other side of the world. My ‘boss’ doesn’t seem to understand my mental illness. My family are all I have right now – and I’m so lucky to have them. But I’m not opening up to them about what’s wrong at the moment. All they know is I’m not well physically. So I’m completely alone in my pain and depression. I have no therapist. All I have is the occasional reply to blog posts or on Twitter. But I brought this on myself. It’s just a shame it came to this, and nobody broke my fall in time.

There was a point a couple of weeks ago, when I was going to contact one friend, and ask for her help, as I didn’t know what to do, as I could sense all this happening…. but I never sent that message. I closed my account, and even she hasn’t been in touch. My problem was never with her. But now it’s with everyone. I wish I had said something because now I’m stuck. My presence can’t matter that much to anyone, if they don’t even notice my absence. 

It’s going to be hard to see friendship in the same light anymore. This has totally trashed my self-esteem beyond repair. I can’t even pick myself up and move on, finding new friends, as it’s damaged me that much. I feel like an awful person. And I don’t have friends to help pull me out of my beliefs anymore. So I’ve given up on myself. I’ve given up on people. I’ve given up on working and going out. I’ve given up on life.

It was so bad in my head yesterday, that I had to tie my hair back and wear a beanie hat, to stop me pulling hairs out. And I took the battery out of my clock, because the ticking was driving me mad, and making me aware of the passage of time. I still haven’t put it back in. Today is a worse day. I won’t go into that though. But I’m shutting myself away. My phone is off. I’m done with everyone and everything. There are two people who have noticed my existence in the last few weeks – hopefully they know who they are, and know how much it means to me – they reminded me I’m not a ghost and that they can see me. I am sorry to those two that I’m still deeply upset, and it would seem like their care isn’t enough. I hope they don’t think I’m ungrateful. But the damage that’s been done is too deep, that I can’t just get over it. Not this time.

I’ve never felt this ‘done with everything’. I’ve never given up on people like this. I’d normally close my account for a few days, gain a better perspective and rejoin. My perspective isn’t changing… not for the better anyway. It’s only getting worse, the more days that pass. I can’t see me ever getting back to posting on Facebook again. Because nobody gives a shit. I’ve been in these places before, where I’ve thought, ‘Why bother posting that, nobody will be interested in it…’ and usually I’m right. But in the past it didn’t totally stop me. It has now. I don’t believe anyone is interested in anything I have to say. They don’t care when I post about grief or mental illness stuff. They don’t care when I share light-hearted stuff. They attack me when I share political / news stuff, because I’m the outsider in that regard. I’m the ‘alien’.

I’m shutting down more and more every day. But I don’t think I care anymore. It’s only heading in one direction. I can’t see it improving now. So I’m kind of giving up, and just letting it drown me. Everyone else was fine to watch me drown. So I’ll let myself drown. Without an audience though.

Poem: Thanks.

Thanks

Thank you for ignoring me, thank you for your silence;

Thank you for the scars you caused, through such poetic violence.

Thank you for reminding me that men are all the same –

The only way they differ is by their looks and name.

Thank you for the memories you’ve triggered in my mind,

Of rejection and abandonment, from times I left behind.

Thank you for avoiding me, for giving me wide berth;

For the wonderful, amazing job you’ve done on my self-worth.

Thank you too for treating me with sensitivity,

To take my insecurities and play them out for me.

I notice as the weeks go by I learn to trust you less;

I thank you for the way you dodge what I need to address.

Thank you for the way you make me feel I won’t be missed…

The way you showed such little care the time I cut my wrist.

Thank you for informing me my feelings do not matter;

For watching on in silence as my heart and spirit shatter.

Thank you for the jealousy you do not know you stir;

The way you stay away from me, but seem to care for her.

Thank you for these moments when your actions make me ‘split’;

Thank you for destroying me, slowly, bit by bit.

I thank you for the knowledge you carry of my love,

And how you’d watch me kill myself – if push came to shove.

Reaching out to ask for help, it was my last resort…

Thanks for disregarding me. Thanks for your support.

I’m Tired Of Feeling.

Abandoncover

*Contains strong language*

 

I’m not good at the moment, I’ll be honest. I feel overwhelmed. And I feel alone with it. Loneliness is an emotion I particularly struggle with. And what compounds this is my friends not realising I feel alone, or understanding why.

I’m struggling with my emotions a lot right now. And also my self-esteem. Health, both physical and mental have been a struggle. I’m really depressed, and feel exhausted every single day, and it only keeps getting worse. No amount of sleep fixes the tiredness I feel. I’m weary of the world. I’m tired of feeling everything. I feel I’m being abandoned by my friends, and every time I allow myself to think about that, it’s like a stab to my heart, with a very blunt knife… and that stab deflates my heart and sends it to the pit of my stomach. I don’t feel loved at the moment. I don’t feel appreciated. I don’t feel visible anymore. What is the point in being on social media? People don’t interact with me. I’ll get the occasional ‘like’. I’ll get the occasional comment when someone disagrees with me and wants to show me up! I’ll get the occasional late night ‘Hey’ message, when I’m already settling down to sleep. But in my waking hours, when I need people, and when I need to know I matter to them, nothing. I’m invisible. And I want to unfriend everyone right now, and live as isolated as I feel.

 

abandon1

 

I mean no offence to my friends, as I’m aware they all have their own stuff going on. I just have such paranoia right now, and my emotions and negative thoughts are overwhelming, and I honestly believe none of them would give a fuck if I dropped off the face of the Earth. Sorry.

I’m just starting to struggle more with grief, and they’ve all forgotten. Life goes on. But not for me. When I’ve needed people the most, around this issue, they’ve not been there. They’ve let me down. I got the initial support when it happened, but after that, nothing. And it’s only now, that the realisation that he’s truly gone and I’ll never see him again, is setting in. And it’s the sudden awareness that we are all alone in life. Nobody else gives a shit that I’m suffering. Nobody gives a shit that this was my first loss – they’re all thinking ‘Well we all went through that at some point, why are you making such a big deal out of it?’ – that’s my assumption at least. And that they’re also thinking ‘It’s only your granddad, not like it’s your mum or your dad’. I’m just a number. I’m just like everyone else now. It’s like once you’ve lost someone you’re just normal and you just get on with it like everyone else does. Well I’m sorry, I haven’t got to that point yet. I’m still in shock that after thirty years of my life, I really have lost someone of great importance to me. I lived the last ten years of his life, living in denial yet knowing that one day I would lose my grandparents… and I’m struggling with the reality that ‘one day’ has come. He’s not here anymore.

I switch between remembering the last time I saw him, not even 48 hours before he died, and the way that’s scarred me forever…. and also I sometimes just remember him before he got ill, and the comparison between that and him not being here now, is just as traumatic and scarring. A part of me thinks how can he be here one minute, talking, laughing, caring, worrying, joking… and the next, he’s gone… put into a coffin, cremated, and nothing left but memories. How can that be? But then I remember that we watched him deteriorate for eight months. Longer even… we watched him have a mini stroke and lose some of his eyesight. We saw him have fall after fall. We saw him go into hospital for six weeks, and said our goodbyes then, before his short-lived recovery. And then he gradually got worse. He lost his memory… one time thinking I was someone else. Until eventually he was dying, and I really was saying goodbye for the final time. I mean some people aren’t so lucky to have a chance to say what they need to say, and to say goodbye. So in a way I’m fortunate. But I’ll never forget saying goodbye, KNOWING it was the last time. And as I closed the door to as I left the room, I looked in and looked at him for the very last time, knowing I would never see him again in my lifetime. That image will never leave me.

And this is just the beginning. He’s just the first of many losses I’m going to face. And if this is what life is, do I really want to be a part of it?

I’m living life from one event to the next. And just wanting to shut the world out in between. I don’t enjoy life anymore. I have moments when I do, and any moments in between are hell.

I have started a therapy group last week, and cried in my first session, in a room of strangers…. because of my granddad. I’m mortified by this, as I hate showing my emotions in front of people. I know it’s going to be a struggle for the next three months. But therapy has already brought up issues from the past for me, as that’s my problem now. Everything is linked. Present, past and future. My present struggles are because of my past. I can’t move into my future because of my past and present. I need to heal my past. But I can’t, because I can’t talk to anyone about it. Just like my grief, that file’s been closed. It’s done now. I should be over it by now.

 

abandon2

 

I feel judged. I feel judged for not letting go of shitty human beings who hurt me. I feel judged for having a voice and bloody well using it. I feel judged for cutting toxic people out of my life. I feel judged for standing up for myself. I feel judged for not having a proper job. I feel judged for still living at home, and not driving. I feel judged for being chronically single and not having children. I feel judged for being fat. I feel judged for being the friend that is STILL a failure after ten years. I feel judged for being such an awful person that nobody will ever want me. I feel judged for being a shit friend….

And I AM a shit friend. I’m bloody aware right now that I’m not there for my friends like I used to be. I know I sound like I’m criticising them, but it’s because I hate myself, and assume they do too. And I never get any indication otherwise. I’m aware that I’m missing out on important things that my friends are going through, and what a shit friend that makes me. But I can barely care about myself on any given day, to be able to project that care to other people. I’m selfish. I’m a selfish, shitty person, and it’s pushing people away. Which is the exact opposite of what I need from people right now…. which is making me more ill, and more selfish and shitty as a friend, and that’s it pretty much… a spiral to rock bottom. Not far to go now.

I’m tired of trying. I’ve put in a lot of effort in the past with people, and not got the same effort back, and it’s finally dawned on me, that I don’t matter to other people to the degree that they matter to me. And I don’t want to live that way anymore. I’d rather be alone than have half-hearted friends. I just wish we could rewind two years and freeze it. Because once something happened I no longer believed anybody cared about me. I no longer thought I had a friend I could count on. I no longer trusted people. And it’s ruined how I see my friendships with people now. And I can’t unsee it. And I wish so much that I could. This isn’t about blaming someone. It’s not about making anyone feel bad. It’s explaining how it feels to be me now….

I feel like a vulnerable little girl, unsure of the big wide world around her. I feel I’m stood on a thin branch, unsure of when it’s going to snap, and how far I’ll fall when it does. I can’t afford to move, because it might break the branch. I have absolutely nobody to confide in anymore, so every single thought and feeling I have, is locked up inside, where it just grows and grows, until I’m at the worst scenario, and have nowhere to release it, so harm myself. Sometimes I don’t know which way is up. What used to be my rock, no longer is, so I’ve nothing to support and stabilise me anymore. Nobody to count on. I feel like a deer caught in headlights. The world carries on at full speed – people and events in life are the cars, and they’re totally unaware I am the deer, and they all scare me, and overwhelm me, and I freeze inside. My fight or flight kicks in, and that’s why I sometimes run from the people I care about, because I’m constantly waiting now, to be hurt by everyone, because that’s all they’ve ever done to me. Also constantly being on the lookout for danger is exhausting, and it’s why my tolerance for social interaction is so low at the moment.

 

abandon3

 

I project a tough exterior now, to keep people away, but this leads to misunderstandings, as inside I feel like I’m a little girl, frightened and alone, and abused by the world. And I just want someone to come up to me and give me a big cuddle, tell me they love me, and will protect me from the world. But I’m the neglected child on the street, who people walk past, ignore and pity at best. They have no love to give for an ugly child like me. They think I’m not a ‘hugger’ so they keep their distance. Yes I have personal boundaries and I have my circle of personal space which people should respect, but sometimes I just crave the human warmth from friends… for them to realise I’m not this tough woman I might appear to be.

I feel nobody ‘gets me’. Heck the one guy I wanted to settle down with, who was much like myself, and wanted someone who ‘got him’ (which I did!), didn’t even get me! He didn’t recognise my vulnerability. We were so alike, and could’ve made each other happy. But he decided to paint me as someone I’m not, and paint someone else as better than they were, and now they’re married. So….

And what I wish people could understand is my life feels like one big fucking tragedy. From that point on – 5 years ago yesterday (15th September), my life changed and it still doesn’t feel real. When I think about that time of my life and how out of control it sent me spinning, I feel I could throw up from the emotion of it. It hurts just the same today as it did back then. In a way, even more so. Because so much time has passed and the people involved have happily moved on with their lives as though I don’t exist, and I’m still stuck in this place of pain, betrayal and tragedy. It’s tragic that two people like me and that guy friend, would’ve been perfect for each other, had I not been so hurt by other people that I closed up. If I could’ve let my barriers down, and had he been better at spotting the desperate vulnerability in me, he could’ve been MY knight in shining armour. And I wouldn’t be where I am right now…. wanting to end the pain forever.

 

abandon4

 

I can’t get over what happened, and the more time that passes, the sadder and more angry I get. It’s mainly sadness, at what I lost, and how fucked up my life became because of those people. I just can’t understand how a friend could do to me, what they did. And I feel so angry and upset at the guy, and wish I could tell him that. The way he ended things with me will haunt me forever. It’s messed up my view of everything. He made me believe in good guys. But the way we parted made me realise there’s no such thing. And if he, the one decent guy I met, and a friend, couldn’t see the good in me, and appreciate me, then there’s no hope for me.

People need to understand that that’s why I am so cynical about love now, and about finding my own happiness, because that SHIT of a man has destroyed anything I ever believed about guys, and about myself. And I HATE him for that. Everything he said to me in our parting messages has scarred me and rearranged my beliefs about my worth, character, friendship, and right to be respected. He showed no respect for me and didn’t fight for me. He rubbed salt in the wounds and spat at me at my lowest, and I will NEVER forgive him for that.

All of the shit that’s happened to me because of so-called ‘friends’ in the last few years… it feels like it happened to someone else. These things don’t happen to someone like me. I’ve always been quiet and reserved, and down-to-earth. I fight a daily battle between ‘I DIDN’T DESERVE ANY OF IT!!! I’M A GOOD PERSON!!’ and telling myself I’m a bad person, and that’s why people shit on me so often. I battle between ‘So-and-so is a rubbish friend!’ and ‘I’m the rubbish friend’. I battle between moving on with my life and showing them how fucking irrelevant they are to me……and slashing my arms and standing in front of them, screaming what they’ve done to me, before ending my life because of them. I’m in constant conflict in my mind and my heart. I feel like I’ve allowed bloody awful people and their actions to change me, and make me someone who DOES deserve what happened to me. I hate who I’ve become, because of their actions.

Even this year, too many people have hurt me. And I can’t take any more of it. What did I even do to deserve it? Just because they disagree with my opinions, they think it’s acceptable to do what they did and take no responsibility for it. It’s not on. And I can’t trust people anymore now. I think everyone hates me, across the board. I’m not over what happened at the start of this year, and I won’t be until it’s acknowledged and apologised for. I’m not over what happened last year, and don’t know how to fix that. I’m not over the things that happened five years ago which broke my world into pieces. I’m not over any of it, and if I could take a pill and be over all of it I would do it instantly. I’m not choosing to hold on to these things, they are stuck to me like leeches, and they’re sucking away at my spirit every day, and I’m losing who I am as a result. I hate myself, and I’m sorry if it’s needy or demanding, but every once in a while it would be nice to hear from the appropriate people, that I’m ….. well, whatever good qualities anyone can see in me, that I can no longer see. But the fact nobody ever does it, or not the right people at least, tells me there’s nothing good left in me. And that makes me want to unburden everyone from my presence.

I’ve spent so long putting in extra effort for friends, and feeling it was taken for granted, that I just don’t bother anymore. I honestly don’t have it in me to go the extra mile anymore, when nobody goes it for me. Cancel something, to make time for me when I need you….. buy a bunch of flowers…. send a card to cheer me up….. give me a framed photo of us to show what our friendship means to you….. keep your word….. say online that you had a good day with me, like you do with others….. I could go on, but I shouldn’t have to tell adults how to show they care about their friends. But the fact I feel the need to ask specifically for signs of caring from my friends, shows me they 100% DON’T care about me. If they DID care I would know it from their words and their actions. I’d never doubt it. And the fact I’ve reached a place as dark as this, to believe none of them care, shows they don’t. So I’m incredibly close to cutting everyone out. They wouldn’t notice anyway.

I just give up on people now. I want to pack up my social media, switch off my phone and isolate myself. And I can’t tell if it’s because I think others aren’t being good friends to me, or if it’s because I’m not being a good friend to others. Or both. I feel too many things have been said and done, and with too much water under the bridge, there’s nowhere left to turn. I feel certain if people haven’t abandoned me, they will now, so I might as well give up. I brought this upon myself. Or rather the pain I’ve endured has brought this upon me. But people see the actions, they don’t see the cause behind it. And I’m too tired to explain myself anymore. I just want one person to get it. To get me. And to stick around despite it all. I’m tired of feeling. I’m tired of life.