Nothing Left.

*Suicidal feelings*

I’m going to be brutally honest… I’m really struggling with who I am right now. I’m hating myself. The urges I’m having….. the thoughts…. and I’m starting to split on everyone again… I’m isolating and paranoid. I’m feeling so hopeless about life. I feel so lost and frustrated and I’m seriously considering doing something ‘stupid’. I’m scared at how quickly things have changed.

 

I feel like my life is over. I’ve lost everything. I feel so powerless. I was awake until 3am, just thinking and trying not to cry. I imagined ending my life. I almost ‘planned’ it. I guess it was more ‘fantasising’ about it…. not in a glorifying way, but rather a means of finding peace. Imagining that if I wanted to I could make this hell stop. That I had that power. That I at least have a choice about something in my life.

 

The urges I’m having are out of character and I’m ashamed that I even have them. But I know it’s part of my illness. It’s not who I am. I would never pursue a married man. I would never try to wreck a marriage. I would never stalk anyone. I would never hurt anyone. I would never share pictures and information about my self-harm. I would never trigger people with the details of how I want to end my life. I would never do any of these things. They’re the thoughts of an ill mind.

 

Having these sorts of urges makes me hate myself so much. I feel like an awful person. I would never do them…. not in a rational state of mind. But the bit that worries me is that there’s that part of me again that just wants to switch off the rational side of me. I want to lose my conscience. I want to not care anymore. I want to be free from my morals. I want to self-destruct, go insane and do as much damage to myself and to those who have hurt me as I can, and then it’ll be easier to end my life.

 

I experienced all this a year ago. Must be something about this time of year. It was scary then… it’s terrifying now. I was doubting my friendships too, but still had a basic hope that I had one friend who was on my side. Now I don’t even have that. She left me. Now I have no anchor. The way things ended with her has really affected me. I’m so angry I want to split the sky apart with my hands and scream into the void. But I’m powerless. There’s nothing I can do to cope with how I feel. It’s just added to the massive pile of trauma. And people would say to just move on and forget it… focus on the future. They have no clue what it’s like to not be able to move on. To not be able to let go or forget. I would give anything to be able to forget and to live a life free of emotional trauma and pain. The fact the memories are stuck to me like superglue is sickening. They’re a part of me – you can’t sever the two of us… they’re in my cells. I can’t cope with this. So much loss. So much hurt and betrayal. So much sadness. So much hate. And nothing I can do about it.

 

I’m scared to ask for help because people will just invalidate me and think it’s easy to fix. It’s not. My life is a mess. I literally cannot trust anything or anyone anymore. I feel sick. I cannot trust men. I cannot trust ‘friends’. I cannot trust mental health services. I cannot trust my own judgment. Look, I thought I knew my friend of 14 years… I didn’t… all this time she was a ticking timebomb, waiting to explode and abandon me. I never knew she was someone who would just give up on me at the first sign of trouble. I didn’t know she was someone who doesn’t stick around to fix things. I had no clue how at risk I was all that time… fearing rejection and abandonment… and she was there hiding how easily she’d do it. I feel sick to think that for all those years I thought I knew her. I didn’t know her at all. She was always a threat to my mental health. She was the opposite of what I need – stability, consistency, certainty. I didn’t see it.

 

Now I don’t know how I’ll ever open up to anyone ever again. I don’t want friends. Because I obviously repel them. There’s obviously something fundamentally wrong with me as a person. I’m obviously that hideous, embarrassing and horrible a person, that everyone leaves me. They all hurt me, ghost me and leave me broken. I’m not fixable this time. And I can’t risk any more hurt, from anyone.

 

I don’t want to live in this world right now. I don’t want to be around people. And I don’t want to not be around people. What’s the point in being here… existing… alone? I’ve always been alone. I’m used to it. But it’s starting to make me question what the point of living is. I’m just living so as not to cause pain and sadness to those I love, by ending my life. That’s the only reason I have now. And I hate having to live, with no reason to other than that. I hate feeling stuck here, just having ‘friends’ endlessly shit on me and abandoning me, making it so much more painful to just hold on.

 

I’m at that point again where I want to not care about the feelings of those I love. I want to be able to end my life. I want to be ‘selfish’. I want to be able to end my pain.

 

I hate my former friend. I hate everyone else who ever contributed to how I feel now… the bullies at school, Hannah, Sam, Gill, Adam, Evan, Joe, Lou. They all messed me up. They have no clue how much. They’ve made me believe I’m worth nothing.

One ghosted me for no good reason at all.
One abandoned me yet strung me along, all the while cheating on me.
One played mind-games with me and used me as an ego stroke.
One attacked me and painted herself as the victim, badmouthing me to others.
One stabbed me in the back in one of the worst ways a friend could. Breaking the girl-code.
One never showed they valued our friendship, and they didn’t fight for me. They let me go thinking they hated me.
One abandoned me at the worst time of my life and blamed it all on me, blocking me & doing things to deliberately cause me pain and punish me.

 

I hate them all. And they’re all fine. They don’t care what they’ve done to me. I don’t matter to them. I never did. I don’t matter to anyone. I’m invisible in this world. I honestly feel if I died tomorrow nobody would notice. That’s how alone I feel. How irrelevant I feel. How worthless I’ve been made to feel.

 

I want someone to swoop in and save me. There’s nobody left. I don’t have a safety net. I don’t have a support network. I don’t have professional help. And yes I want to run to Matt. I want him to hold me and to fix things. And he can’t, if for no other reason than professional rules. He wouldn’t even remember my name anymore. I’m insignificant as usual. I’m nothing. I know it can’t be. I know it’s all in my head. That doesn’t mean it isn’t real to me. And that I don’t feel this way, and that I don’t want him to rescue me. I want to feel safe. And I haven’t felt safe since the end of that course and losing him.

 

There’s constant conflict in my mind. I can’t find peace. I’m sick of the conflict. That’s why I want to just be able to let go and not care about the consequences. I want to completely lose the plot. Trying to hold it together is what’s making life so much harder right now. But I can’t let go. I have to be strong. It’s too much pressure. I don’t know what to do.

 

I have no friends. It’s a fact now. I hate everyone. Everyone hates me. Or more accurately they don’t care about me enough to hate me. I trust nobody, not even myself. I see no point in anything. I can’t escape the past. I’m a failure. I’m basically just waiting to die. I hate myself. I hate my thoughts and my urges. I’m losing myself. And apart from being scared, I don’t really care. Nobody knows how I feel right now. I can’t let them know. They wouldn’t understand.

 

My greatest fears became reality. And now I don’t want reality. I just want off this ride. I want the feelings to stop. For good.

Life Of Loneliness.

*Suicidal feelings discussed*

 

 

I feel gut-wrenchingly alone. I’m caught between just accepting this is my lot in life, and total despair and suicidal feelings as a result.

 

I have had a lonely life. When I was a child I didn’t have friends as such. I had a lot of difficulties with friendships growing up. My friends either left and went to another school or they just didn’t last. I also had an issue that whenever I felt people were getting too close I’d apparently push them away and the friendship would fade away… I say ‘apparently’ because I do not remember my childhood. I remember snapshots – usually the bad things that happened in my life. I remember standing alone at lunchtimes, at the side of the playground, watching everyone else having fun because nobody wanted to be my friend. Nobody wanted me around. I was the good girl who worked hard… I was shy and quiet and didn’t smile very often… so I was ‘different’ to all the other kids. I remember having to practically beg to tag along with people – this was at the age of 10 or 11… no child should have to do that…. no child should feel that isolated and desperate. I was socially excluded by my peers. I feel sickeningly sad about that to this day. I had friends abandon me and replace me – when I was about 8 or 9 this happened with my best friend – she replaced me with the girl who bullied me.

 

Throughout the rest of school and college I hardly had any real friends. I talked to people, but I still felt that sense I wasn’t accepted… I still felt nobody wanted to be seen with me. I faced more bullying… at one point it was in front of a whole class, including people I considered ‘friends’ and nobody did anything to stop it…. nobody stood up for me or checked if I was okay.

 

I had one good friend who I would’ve called my ‘best friend’ at secondary school – a Chinese girl who used to do piano duets with me …. that just came to an end when we went our separate ways for college. I do feel sad about that as she was lovely. It didn’t come without its issues though… a girl we shared classes with became very possessive over her, and kept trying to stop her seeing me at lunchtimes and getting her to hang around with her instead, and to sit next to her in classes. From what I understand those two are still friends even to this day.

 

I often spent my lunchtimes at the school library, where I started volunteering as a librarian. It kept me busy and I felt less lonely – less like the loner I was at primary school. Other times I went to the music block rehearsal rooms and just played piano.

 

They were difficult times… feeling unwanted…. feeling ashamed … judged. I doubt there are many people who could understand how that felt… especially not many that went to school with me. They probably never even realised what I went through. People bullied me and picked on me… again because I was quiet and shy… an easy target. I didn’t stand up for myself. They picked on me because of my looks as well. I was a relatively hairy child and had spots… probably all part of my PCOS. Not exactly something I could help having. And believe it or not I was a child, not a woman, so I didn’t need to shave all my hair off to be sexually attractive – I wasn’t a child-slut like other girls in my year must’ve been. I was picked on so much I ended up shaving my arms and I’ve only just in the last six months finally managed to break past the mental barrier, to grow the hair back… so many times the memories of such judgements tempted me to shave it all off again, but I pushed through, and now I accept them… although I have my moments of disgust. Your young years do scar you for a lifetime….

 

They picked on me for not shaving my legs…. but I was an innocent child. I didn’t know little girls were supposed to shave their legs. A boy once jokingly asked if I was a virgin…. I had never heard of the word (this was at primary school mind you), and I thought he meant Virgo, so I said no…… people liked to laugh at my innocence. Just like the time my tutor group tricked me into saying ‘maths-a-pation’ and thought it was hilarious that they’d made me say ‘masturbation’, even though I hadn’t…. I didn’t even know what that word meant at that point. There were some boys who obviously knew my name, but they were in the year above, and they called me Lily Savage (the drag-act), because of my hairiness. The girl who bullied me most of all at secondary school called me ‘spot’, because of my spots. These fucking awful children made me hate myself for the rest of my life, and I really do hate them all for it. Because they’ve carried on with their lives, no problem. They’ve all settled down, got married, had children and have no idea about the impact they had on my whole life.

 

I spent the later part of school and my college years not knowing who I was… I tried so hard to change, to be accepted by others… I tried to be ‘louder’ and more fun. I tried to be who they wanted me to be, because I learnt early on that I would never be accepted how I was.  People used to ask my mum (because she was the librarian at primary school), why I was so quiet.  She used to say it’s who I am, and that it was like asking why they are so noisy. She tried to help me out but kids are evil. If you’re one of the quiet ones you don’t stand a chance.

 

I didn’t have ‘friends’ as such at college. I tended to hang around either with my brother or with a couple of guys – one who I knew from school, but who nobody else liked, so it alienated me from everyone else, and two guys from music. I liked their company. We used to sit under the stairs at lunchtimes. Guys were much easier to hang around with. No bitchiness, less drama. They seemed to accept me. I remember sitting with a group of girls in the corridor once, and after a bit they all just got up and left, without telling me where they were going. They abandoned me. This has been my life.

 

And then I left college. By that time my mental health was awful. I had started self-harming whilst at college and told my family towards the end of it. From then on it was taking a break from the stress of college, and working on getting well – seeing doctors, going on medication, therapy etc., voluntary work… I didn’t have friends then. It was difficult. But in a way, looking back it was probably actually an easier time.

 

Then I met someone through volunteering who happened to like the same band as me. We bonded over that, went to see them together, and a friendship was born… the best and longest friendship I ever had – 14 years. The first real friend I had.

 

I heard from someone I knew at school, we met up, became friends… sometimes all three of us would meet up – I introduced them to each other… big mistake. Through all the friendship dramas I’ve endured in the last few years I have realised never to introduce friends to other friends. You should always keep your friends for yourself.

 

I then did my therapy course of DBT – over ten year ago now…. towards the end I became friends with a woman on the course, and she became a good friend, who also understood my illness, because she had it too. In fact she was the one who drew my attention to the term Borderline Personality Disorder, and that that’s what I was being treated for. I hadn’t been told that.

 

I suddenly had three friends! After all my years of loneliness I had three people in my life I counted as good friends. We all met as a group sometimes too. And other people sometimes joined, who knew the others. But mainly it was us four girls. Then my best friend introduced a guy friend of hers into the group, and also her boyfriend at the time joined in too. I’ll be honest, it changed the dynamics of the group having guys there too.

 

The guy wanted to date my best friend – she wasn’t interested…. I secretly liked the guy…. the school friend always seemed flirty with him, and the therapy friend kept it well hidden that she liked him too, so one day when I was out of the country for my brother’s wedding, she broke up with her fiancé, moved back home and got together with him instead. She knew I liked him, as I confided in her. It broke my heart and she broke my trust. I couldn’t be in their circle anymore, so I lost my group of friends. I had already lost the girl from school because she started playing mind games with me and bitched about me to the group. She was a narcissist. So I felt excluded from the group anyway, plus just like at school nobody defended me against her backstabbing and treatment of me. At the same time there was another guy I was interested in, in a different way, who I had found out was using me and playing games with me… only finding this out just before I left the country…. so it really all happened within the space of a month.

 

My whole world fell apart. I lost the friend from school, the one from therapy (which made me resent therapy and recovery too), the guy I liked who played games, the guy I had become friends with and wanted to settle down with… it all happened at once. From having no friends and feeling excluded all my life, and then I had a group of friends. I remember eight years ago now, sitting in the local pub at a table, with all of them around me, and I never felt happier to be surrounded by friends. And then suddenly in 2012, less than a year later, it all came crashing down at once. Excuse me if that year completely fucked me up and traumatised the hell out of me. I hate the lot of them for what they did to me.

 

Out of it all I managed to keep one friendship at least – my best friend… the original one. She never gave up on me. She had a baby the next year, and that saved me from destruction. I loved that little girl so much. She gave me a purpose. She gave my life a new meaning and taught me a lot about myself. I became a different person – a person I liked. A couple of years later, another little baby joined the party. I loved him just as much. Those two kids became my Godchildren and I will always love them. Nothing can change that.

 

I may have lost most of my ‘friends’, but with my Godchildren I never felt lonely. They looked forward to seeing me. I felt wanted. I felt appreciated. I felt proud of them and proud of who I was becoming. There were times, quite often, when I felt I didn’t deserve them. I sometimes voiced this to my friend. I didn’t feel good enough. I felt I was letting them down, particularly when I was going through hard times mentally. Sometimes I wouldn’t be up to seeing them… I knew I couldn’t put on an act. And I didn’t want to make them feel rejected or like a nuisance, and I didn’t want them to be worried or upset. I babysat them in February last year. I found it overwhelming. I was seriously unwell mentally at the time. I don’t think my friend even knows how much I struggled that day. I was good at hiding how I felt. I didn’t want her to feel like she’d imposed by asking me to watch the kids. I wanted to help. I wanted to feel helpful. But it was difficult with two of them at that time. That was the last time I saw them….

 

Soon after that was the first anniversary of my first loss, and when nobody was there for me, including my best friend, I isolated myself because I was splitting on everyone. I thought nobody cared. I thought they all hated me. I thought they all wanted me dead. I withdrew from everyone. I felt so detached from reality… so paranoid… and disconnected from life and other people. I would turn up to work and smile and nod, but feel emotionally dead inside, and like I wasn’t really there. I’d sit on the bus, looking out the window at people walking around, and I’d feel like it was the last time I’d see the world. I was that suicidal that it felt certain to happen, and soon.

 

Being isolated is hard…. once you get into that rut it is very difficult to get out of it. You need people to make the effort for you. I often wrote about that, or made videos as my way of communicating from the prison inside myself. I talked about ‘the hijacker’… that I didn’t feel in control anymore… that I was being led away from my friends, and I needed them to rescue me. They didn’t. They let ‘him’ drive away with me and then blamed me for not sticking around. I needed them to put in the effort for me, where I couldn’t. I was calling out for help and nobody answered.

 

I didn’t see my best friend. I saw her in March once, and then after a couple of months of not talking, we met for a coffee in June and saw a film a day or two later, and that was it. I’ve not seen her for 10 months. I’ve not seen ANYONE socially for 10 months. I’m afraid to now. As I didn’t see my friend, I couldn’t see her children. I was losing that part of my identity. As such, I didn’t know how to be ‘fun Lily’ for the kids anymore, and I was worried I wasn’t good enough to be around them. My self-esteem was low. That was the problem. But my friend didn’t understand it that way. She thought I didn’t want to see the kids. I NEEDED to see the kids. And I couldn’t do that without seeing her. But she’d go weeks without even talking to me.

 

I understand communication works two ways. And she had got it into her head that I didn’t want her friendship anymore. But that’s not the case at all. And if she had read my blogs or listened to my videos, or read my statuses then she’d know that. I was unable to reach out to people, and I made that clear in blogs. I needed her to reach out to me. She knew that. If she felt the same then fine, but I didn’t know that. She never communicated anything like it. As far as I could see she was simply ignoring my cries for help. I was calling out and begging for people to show me friendship. I may have said I felt like I didn’t have any friends, but that was because people were not treating me like I was their friend. I felt lonely and neglected. It didn’t mean I didn’t WANT them as friends, it meant I NEEDED them as friends but they were failing to be friends. She seemed to misinterpret so much that I said last year, and the damage that did is now not fixable, because I don’t think she understands that it’s her misunderstandings of me and of what happened, that have driven us to this point and broken our friendship.

 

Our friendship died last year. My last friendship… gone. The moment it died was when she reacted to a blog of mine… one that was trying to break the deadlock and save a friendship – we would never have spoken again otherwise… most of what she said did damage to our relationship, but the killing line was ‘I did miss you. Do miss you. But nothing will ever be the same now’. She had just villainised me for trying to rescue our friendship. I may not have gone about it the best way. I was in a painfully desperate state… a lot of the trauma of 2012 was going through my head at the same time. All the loss, the mistreatment…. I did what I thought was best at the time. And she had concluded that we would never be the same from that moment on. The actual PROBLEM last year was her neglecting me when I needed a friend… it was her seeming to replace me, and pretending I didn’t exist, yet somehow I ended up with the blame. And I don’t think she’s let go of that one incident ever since. That’s why we’re not friends now.

 

She blames the demise of our friendship on me. On what I did – blogging…. forgetting the fact that I had nobody else there for me. I was having a breakdown. I was trapped within my own mind. I was suicidal and self-harming most days. What did she expect me to do? Did she want us to never speak again? Perhaps. And maybe it would’ve been better. What’s happened since has destroyed me. I’ve faced so much more rejection from trying to save the friendship. It’s heartbreaking.

 

I removed the blog. I apologised. I extended the olive branch at Christmas. It was snubbed. I was snubbed. The kids weren’t even given their presents for Christmas. I didn’t get a thank you, a card, a text, or any acknowledgement. I had to chase my friend up at the beginning of this year, to ask her if she even wanted to sort things out. This made me feel how I felt back at school, begging people to tolerate me at lunchtime. I’ve always had to chase attention, affection, love and care. I’m rarely shown it willingly and freely. This is sickening. It makes me feel worthless and pathetic. This will never change until people start to be consistent in their friendship and are emotionally available.

 

My friend couldn’t decide whether I was worth fighting for. She needed more time. In the meantime I was expected to sit with my insecurities and paranoia about being replaced by her other friends, who she often wrote about having a great time with them. I felt rejected and forgotten.

 

So I had to do what was right for my mental health. I had to step back. I had to unfriend her until she was ready to sort things out with me. I had to allow myself to get well. Her husband seemed to understand this and said it was important to look after myself. I don’t feel she was as reasonable. Her behaviour definitely didn’t communicate it anyway. Having said I felt upset about the Christmas presents, saying that I felt continuously rejected by her, and saying I needed to look after my mental health by removing her, she said nothing to me… she just blocked me.

 

Not exactly the actions of a friend. I know I was going to remove her, but I explained the reason why – I respected her enough to not just ditch her like others had ditched me throughout my life. In all these years I’ve just wanted someone to respect and care about me enough to allow me some closure… to finish on a decent note. The pattern is that they just get tired of me or hurt me, before ghosting me. It’s hurtful for anyone, but damaging for someone with BPD. By saying absolutely nothing to me and just blocking me it communicated that she didn’t accept my decision, and therefore didn’t care about my mental health. It was passive-aggressive. All it did was make it so I couldn’t get in touch with her. It stated that she doesn’t want to hear from me again. It was a punishment with the intention to gain power and control of the situation. It was unnecessary.

 

My last memories of my oldest and best friend, are her blocking me (on two accounts), and removing herself from my Facebook group, after hearing from her husband that I was paranoid she’d done that to hurt me, just like others did to punish me when leaving my life. She made conscious choices to do things she knew would hurt me. I’m finding it hard to come to terms with the REALITY that she’s either become this person who wants to hurt me, or she’s always been that person and I never realised. I’m now thinking that my paranoid thoughts were not ‘paranoia’ but rather ‘gut feelings’ based on reality. I don’t know what to believe anymore.

 

What matters is that I am now left friendless. A year ago I felt like I didn’t have any friends… because of the lack of friendship I was shown. This year I actually don’t have any friends. Last year my friend wasn’t there for me on the first anniversary of my loss. This year she wasn’t there because she had blocked me. I thought things couldn’t get worse than last year. Maybe I was wrong.

 

Yes I have people I occasionally talk to. Acquaintances. Or even ‘friends’ in the looser sense of the term. I mean no offence to these people – but I think they’d agree I’m not one of their closer friends. There’s nothing wrong with that. I can still care about people and like them without us being close friends. It’s just the reality of things. We’re not that close, and probably never will be. So I feel justified in saying I have no friends. She was the last one. My one and only friendship left after muddying the waters by bringing all my former friends together…. how different life might be now had I kept them all separate. It sickens me to think about that…

 

I felt isolated last year. This year I feel lonely….. alone. Being totally honest there are people I’ve prompted several times about meeting up, and nothing has materialised. I know people are busy and forget. I’m guilty of it at times. And I’m sure some people have felt the same way towards me as I do towards others right now… but you just get to a point where you think I’m not going to suggest meeting again…. there’s only so much ‘rejection’ someone with BPD can face. Although it’s not a rejection as such – it’s a loose agreement to meet, so in a way it’s acceptance, it’s like broken promises… it’s a disappointment… it feels like rejection. And I can’t keep putting myself out there and being rejected. It’s dragging my self-worth even further down. So I’m starting to isolate in my mind again.

 

I feel so painfully lonely. I have nobody close to me anymore. Nobody to confide in. Nobody to share the good or the bad with. I feel nobody cares about me. I feel I’m nothing to everyone in my life. This is partly due to my former best friend making me feel I meant nothing to her, but also just the voice of my illness.

 

My illness is bad again at the moment. I’m wanting to do bad things. I want to do something self-destructive. I’ll write about that separately.

 

I just feel so empty, flat and invisible. I always have to ask for people to notice me and care, and it makes me feel worthless and demanding and like an attention-seeker. I can’t keep doing it. Not only do I feel irrelevant to those I know, but I now don’t have a best friend. I live in world where my best friend hurt me and abandoned me so coldly.

 

It’s hard to accept the journey I’ve been on – from a childhood of loneliness and isolation, to a group of friends, to one friend but the Godchildren too, to nobody and nothing…. I’ve gone full-circle. It’s really upsetting.

 

I know I’m not the only person with BPD who feels life is easier not having friends or relationships. Experiences like this make me want to live my life without anyone else…. people just bring complications… especially if those people don’t try to learn about and understand our illness and how to help the relationship flourish. It feels easier somehow to avoid people. You feel that way you won’t get hurt. But at the same time it’s incredibly lonely not having anyone in your life.

 

This is how I feel right now. I feel trapped. I feel either way I end up hurting and wanting to die. Relationship tensions and abandonment hurt me to the point I don’t want to be here anymore. And feeling so alone and invisible makes me think I might as well not be here. I’m feeling suicidal at the moment.  Everything about my life is hurting…. from my childhood, to 2012, to the last couple of years, to the present. I’d say the future, but right now I don’t see one. I hate how people have treated me in the last few years, after the things I went through as a child. It mirrors what I went through. It all hurts so much. And I feel like that little girl, standing by the wall by herself… nobody wanting to play with her… just watching others enjoy their lives whilst questioning her own existence and asking ‘why?’. Life just hurts and I hate everyone who abandoned me, betrayed me and made me feel this worthless. They’ve made me not want to live any longer.

 

 

It’s All Come Back.

*Self-harm / suicide*

 

I need to be honest. I’m not okay at the moment. I’ve been hit by a tsunami of pain and sadness. From the outside you probably wouldn’t tell. I’m a master of disguise. But inside, my heart is sinking…. it feels scarred by so much loss… some more recent than others…. there are a couple of people-shaped holes in it from particular people I lost from my life, and those holes are filled up with sadness and despair. A helplessness. A hopelessness.

 

I imagine harming myself badly. I crave it. But more worrying than this, I have started having my suicidal thoughts again. Some are more active than others. There’s a constant hum of ‘I don’t want to be here anymore’… ‘I can’t do this anymore’…. ‘I want it all to stop’. And then there’s considering ways to do it.

 

I feel world-weary. The concept of time is something I can’t handled. I’m thinking about the fact we’re heading towards summer… once that’s over it’s back to fireworks, Halloween, and then Christmas again…. and another new year…. and it starts all over again… It’s another year where I’m stuck in hell on this planet we call home. Another year without certain people. Another year alone. Another year wanting to die. Another year wasted.

 

I feel like a failure. All the things I haven’t achieved… I feel I never will. And if I can’t then all I am is a burden and a disappointment.

 

Yesterday I came across a note I had written during my suicidal times – I don’t recall when I wrote it or what triggered it, but it was within the last year. It was a ‘suicide note’. I don’t think I was attempting to end my life… I just went through a period of self-harm where I really didn’t care what happened to me. I was in a very dark and desperate place.

 

The things I’m finding most painful right now, other than just having to exist in this world, disconnected from life, feeling alone with no close friendships… are two things – the old ‘transference’ stuff, and losing my best friend.

 

Although it’s been well over a year since I saw the therapist I had feelings for, and I thought I had come to terms with it, I’m finding myself missing him so much right now. I just want to see him and talk to him. I can’t, obviously – but that fills me with despair and powerlessness in itself. I’m wanting to go back to the days of that course. I keep reliving it. Which brings with it all the memories of my breakdown and self-harming there. I also get all the thoughts about never seeing him again and it makes me not want to live this life…. as pathetic as that sounds. It’s like it’s all come back. There was a time I’ll admit that I saw his presence online, and it brought me some weird kind of comfort to know he was alive and well out there…. he stopped doing that a long time ago. So as ridiculous as this sounds, it’s more like a death now than before. I have nothing to grasp onto to comfort me. It’s just emptiness and utter loss.

 

I mean life wasn’t that great before I met him… but it’s been so much worse since I have. I had never felt so suicidal as I did after the course ended and I never saw him again. That lasted all of last year… until the point losing somebody else took over…. now I’m grieving them both. And I don’t want to be. I either want to have them in my life, or to not have a life.

 

I’m sick of emotional pain. I’m sick of feeling trapped. Of not being able to let go. Of feeling so alone.

 

I’ve been having urges recently to do things out of character. I feel ashamed about it. But I have to keep telling myself it’s because I’m ill. It’s part of my illness. I shouldn’t blame myself for it. It’s desperation, sadness, loneliness and feelings that I can’t help having.  And so far I’ve not acted on any of them. That’s the main thing.

 

But I feel so heartbroken, sad and lost. Nothing will fix this. And everyone thinks I’m over it. So nobody knows how I feel. That’s why I’m saying it here. So at least somebody knows the pain I’m in right now.

 

Losing my best friend is another thing that’s hard to cope with at the moment. To begin with I was driven forward by anger, and the fact I had a charity event to take part in, so I was walking every day – I had an aim. I had things to focus on and lift me up. But now that’s all over. I’ve not been too well lately, physically… and I’m feeling sad and upset at being abandoned by her. I’m writing a separate post about that later, I won’t go into all the details here… but I’m feeling the need to fix it. To sort things out, so that I don’t have to feel this way. But I tried that and kept getting hurt more. She very much seems to be a person now who hears what hurts me and does it more. She blocked me twice, and removed herself from my Facebook group, after I’d said to her husband about it. She probably thinks I didn’t notice that. Or more likely she was hoping I would. That’s what I mean, I’m struggling to come to terms with who she has become…. or who she always was, right under my nose. These are not the actions of someone with good intentions, no matter what she may tell her husband, friends and family. I’ve seen more spite from her than anyone else who ever hurt me.

 

I’m struggling to accept reality here. I feel like there’s been an endless string of knocks… loss after loss… first it was my granddad…. then the therapist…. then my best friend and my Godchildren. In life terms I have nothing left to lose. Obviously I have people I can and will lose to death. This terrifies me, especially now I have no support in the form of friendships. But in terms of things in my life, I have nothing left. Which brings on the suicidal thoughts. The only thing I feel I have to live for right now is a concert I’m going to in June. Best seats for my favourite band. Other than that I don’t know what the hell I’m doing here.

 

I feel like without social relationships there is no point to life. But I find them so traumatic. And the reality is I’ll likely never have them again. After the last man destroyed my self-esteem, confidence and belief in men, I no longer want anything to do with them now…. apart from the therapist obviously! And now after my best friend has warped into someone I don’t even know, and has abandoned me, I will never trust anyone again to let them that close to me. I will never want close friends again thanks to her.

 

I feel desperately sad to not have anyone close to me anymore. Sure I have people on Facebook I can talk to. Most don’t live anywhere near me. And let’s face it… we’re not ‘close’ and probably never will be. It takes a long time to grow an old friend. Nothing can compare with the sort of friendship I thought I had with my best friend. I’ll never be able to be that close to someone again, and I’m not able to find a partner either. I just feel so completely alone and lonely. This is how I felt last year. That was the whole problem last year. I isolated myself and nobody noticed. Nobody cared. Not even my best friend. She never DID put in the effort for me. I ended up being the one running after her, being the friend to her that I needed her to be to me. And she never got that I just felt so alone and needed a friend.

 

I’m trying not to cry right now. I feel like screaming. I feel like I’ve been screaming for two years and nobody heard me. Anything I’ve needed from others has been ignored and denied. I’m still so angry about how the therapy was handled. I’m viciously angry about that. I blame them. And now with my friend too… I’m so angry with her. I don’t understand what the hell happened or what the hell I did to deserve it. She’s broken me.  Her husband said that ‘Hopefully one day you can both put this behind you and talk again.’… but how can I put this behind me when I don’t even know what the hell ‘this’ is…?? I do not understand what’s happened and why she’s treated me the way she has. She’s been so passive-aggressive and closed up about it all, and I’ve poured my heart out more than once. I’ve tried being open and making effort to fix it, and she hasn’t met me halfway. She’s avoided resolving things and left me feeling blamed for it all. I don’t know if this was intentional because she does blame me, or if it’s just how her behaviour has come across. But it’s left me confused as to why she gave up on me. She can’t expect us to go our separate ways and then one day it’ll all be forgotten and we can talk as friends again. I don’t work like that. I work on respect and apologies where apologies are due. Not avoiding someone to avoid the blame and responsibility. No. Take responsibility for what you’ve done, own up to hurting me, commit to putting it right and follow through. Nothing less will do. I don’t think it’s asking a lot. It’s common f*cking decency. It’s being a good person. It’s putting your relationship ahead of your own ego.

 

I’ve been crying out for help for two years… I remember a year ago writing a post about this, and the fact I was drowning and everyone was just standing by and watching me go under. Now they’re not even watching. They’re not even noticing. And I’m ashamed to say I’ve reached that point again where I want to make them notice. I want to end up in hospital. I want to show everyone how desperate I feel right now. I want them to hear me. If that means doing something drastic just so they can finally understand how I feel then so be it. Nobody will know how devastating it is to be screaming into a void for two years… to not have your emotional needs met…. to lose everything…. to not have support…. to not have people take you seriously with your mental health. I want to actually rip my own skin apart with my bare hands. That’s how frustrated I feel and how much pain I’m in.

 

This might have come out of nowhere… or it could be I’ve been distracted for the last couple of months. I don’t particularly care either way. Because this is how I feel right now… and it’s such a bleak feeling. People might say that I’ll feel better tomorrow… but they don’t know that. And even if I do, this isn’t going away. This isn’t just feeling a bit down. These are major things I have to come to terms with… losses I don’t want to be reality. Losses that have already happened. I had a lot of losses around 2012, but I had my friend and the Godchildren to help me through it… I hadn’t lost my granddad…  I hadn’t met Matt. Everything’s different now. My emotions are more volatile, I’ve had an actual loss, and now I’ve also lost everything. Part of my identity is gone. More than a part actually…. three parts… who I was before my granddad died… who I was with my best friend… and who I was with the kids. I have nobody to keep me going this time. It’s just me, doing things alone to try and survive. And when my mental health was bad already and I was coming to terms with grief and loss, it’s not fair that I should be forced to face that on my own. It feels unjust. It feels like my life is one big abandonment after another. And I hate my friend for her timing.

 

It just all feels so tragic, because a lot of how I’ve acted in the last year has come from a place of love….. she’ll never know that I was just sad that I couldn’t share in experiences with her, like motherhood…. she’ll never know that I pictured the future, with the kids growing up and me still being there for them…. she’ll never know that I didn’t want to lose her and I was afraid of being replaced….. she’ll never know that I wanted to be able to be there for her and support her, but she rarely opened up to me to let me be the friend I could be. Nobody ever does that… they never let me in…. this means I never get to demonstrate the caring  sides of me, and friendships end up seeming unbalanced, whereby I talk about my problems but they never do. It ends up seeming like I take more than I give, but the reality is nobody allows me the opportunity to give.

 

All I wanted was to feel loved, appreciated and secure in our friendship. I needed to feel safe again, after so much loss. She’ll never know how much it broke my heart that she gave up on me. And she did. No matter what tale she may spin… even if she claims I was the one who took a break from our friendship, like she claimed before, it was she who made that decision. She made the decision by failing to make the decision. That in itself is a decision. If she had known she didn’t want to lose me then she wouldn’t have had to think twice about it. Her doubt gave away her true answer. But I think she just didn’t want to be the one to say it. I think I gave her what she wanted – permission to leave my life. I ultimately was the one to mention a step back. Now she can blame it on me… or at least in her mind her conscience is clear, as she didn’t have to reject me outright. But her flip-flopping and refusal to care about me, brought me to the decision to care about myself. I deserved better. That’s how I felt at the time. Now I’m in a state of questioning what I deserve.

 

I’m feeling really low today. Everything from the last few years is hitting me all at once. And it’s pushing me to a bad place. Matt once said to me about transference and he used the word ‘solace’. That’s what I want right now. I want to run to him. I want him to comfort me. But don’t worry, I know how unbelievably impossible this is. It’s just a dream. And I do dream of him. I just want to feel safe. I don’t feel safe. And just like I wanted to feel safe with my friend, she abandoned me and left me even less safe and secure. There’s no stability to life. And I can’t cope with that. I’m not coping.

 

Everything feels black at the moment, and my mind goes to the images I had to face every day last year. I feel out of control and so upset.

 

I’m sorry I’ve not blogged for a while, and it’s not been useful for a long time. This blog’s become the only thing I can confide in… and my friend destroyed my confidence in writing – I find it hard to finish posts and share them now. I feel it’s wrong of me to do so. But as I’ve been robbed of other options and been abandoned now, I don’t want to let her dictate how I deal with the mess she left me in. It’s hard to fight through that barrier but I have to try and find my voice again, and not be afraid to use it.