Rare “Tuesday” Journal: 30/09/20.

It’s been almost two months since I last posted on here…. I’ve moved over to my new blog …. https://trappedontheborder.wordpress.com/ but decided to pop my head in and do a rare update, for anyone who hasn’t followed me over to my new blog yet (Please do! I value your input!).

I’m going against what I said in my last post, where I said it would be my last Tuesday journal – I’m choosing to do another one two months on… and yes, I also know it is NOT Tuesday!! I wanted to fill in the gap. A lot has been going on. It just felt right….

Things I am grateful for:

• All the people who sponsored and supported me for my step challenge in the last three months.
• Water water water!! The greatest thing in life.
• ASMR & guided meditation videos. Had so many headaches so I’ve needed this to help relax me.
• My step-counter watch – could’ve done with it at the start of my challenge!
• Family. ❤
• Music – really helped with my stepping.
• My determination to achieve my goals… no matter how I’ve felt.
• Yummy food and the people who make it!!
• Sleep!

Something I struggled with:

• Relapsing because of this endless lockdown situation & the Wellbeing Centre. Paranoia about Covid too. My only way of coping with all of this has been denial. Unfortunately that wore off a couple of weeks back, and I’m struggling again now.

What I learnt from it:

• Avoid the news / discussions about Covid, lockdown, vaccines, timescales.
• Do what I need to – told my key worker I needed to not hear from the WC until things returned to normal, as it only unsettled me and brought me out of my little bubble of denial.
• Slip-ups are okay…. just carry on from there…. it’s not ‘starting again’. There are more good days in terms of self-harm than there are bad ones.
• Be gentle with myself. Listen to my needs. Communicate them to others.
• I have a lot of anger about the neglectful attitudes from those at the WC. I have a right to feel that way. I’m within my rights to complain about it if necessary.
• Denial is a temporary fix. It doesn’t last. Eventually everything will explode out of it. I know that. It’s still the only way I can survive right now. Until I can actually get some level of support back into my life.

Things I achieved:

• Completed my 500,000 steps for Diabetes UK. Finished it yesterday! Walked over 128 miles in September alone.
• Pushed myself through physical illness, pain and exhaustion to finish the steps – even had to literally pick myself up off the garage floor, wipe away the tears and force myself to step, when I just wanted to die instead. I persisted.
• Lots of crochet achievements.
• Had one of my blogs published on my local Mind website.
• Managed to go three months without harming myself.
• Lost 20lbs since the start of July (seriously need to lose weight – got three times as much to lose before I’ll be a healthy weight again).
• Started joining in a bit more on Discord chat group I belong to.
• Emailed my key worker to rant about my feelings, to try and not hurt myself. It helped until the last time…. nothing could’ve stopped it happening that time.
• Got through my birthday, despite it being very different to what it was supposed to be.
• Learnt some techniques to try and help me with my motor tics caused by my anxiety. Try to use them when I leave the house.
• Doing better with eating chocolate – in recent days I’ve allowed myself it a little more, but generally haven’t eaten it, and don’t feel controlled by it anymore.

Just wanted to note these things down, in case one day things return to normal and I want to look back on how things progressed. The reason I stopped doing these journals was it reminded me of things I was trying to forget, but since those things are in the front of my mind now anyway, I figured why not?!

I’m hoping to go back into denial at some stage, but until then I’ll try and blog on my other blog. Would love to see you over there xxxx

Final Tuesday Journal 04/08/20

This might be my last ‘Tuesday Journal’ post…  I originally started these in order to continue my Tuesday group activity, where we wrote the things I have been writing. It was to deal with the loss of that group due to the lockdown. I wanted to feel connected to it still… I wanted to be able to see my journey during this time, take it back with me when things return to normal and add it to my previous journal entries.

This has gone on so long now – 21 weeks without the group so far, with no end in sight. Having to remember to post these makes me think about it too much. Just as contact with the service forces me to confront my feelings. I don’t want any of that. I’m doing okay, but I’m not doing okay when it comes to all of that. So I want to forget everything and focus on myself and self-improvement. Whether I keep note of things offline or not I don’t know, but I’ve grown weary of doing these posts endlessly. They don’t keep me feeling connected to the group. At this point in time that group is lost. I need to stop holding on to it. I don’t have support… I have to stop pretending it’s there when it’s really not. I need to act like it’s just me pushing through all of this and trying to recover – by myself, for myself.  And if one day things resume, great. The problems I had before lockdown will still be there, but it’s not doing me any good reminding myself of the loss every week.

I’d much rather focus on posts for my new blog. For anyone following me on here who hasn’t found me yet, I’m –  trappedontheborder.wordpress.com – it’s intended to be a more positive, reader-friendly blog than this one… less of a rant-space, less swearing, and more about explaining symptoms / emotions and experiences I have had. I’ll still be honest about things that happened in my life, and won’t sugar-coat things, but I feel I lost my way on this one and wanted a new start.  I would love for followers of this blog to follow me over to my other one – I need to build up a following again, from scratch. I’m sad to leave this blog behind and I’m so grateful to everyone who has read it, followed it, commented…. I may post on here from time to time if I really do need a space to rant and don’t want to infect the new blog –  but I’m trying to move forward constructively. Sometimes that means a fresh slate. So I really hope to see you over there xxxx

…

Things I am grateful for:

• Music.
• Motivation / determination.
• Family.
• Getting the real news from the horse’s mouth rather than MSM.
• Animal Crossing, crochet, guitar, yoga etc.
• Sunrises.
• Everything I’ve ever mentioned before in terms of gratitude, given this is the last one.

 

 

What I struggled with:

• Apart from feeling poorly the last couple of days, I had a bad day when my key worker phoned. I’d managed to put the WC out of my mind for about three weeks after pouring my feelings out in an email to her. I asked her not to phone me. It was unexpected, especially after three weeks… It forced me to remember everything I was upset about. I got upset and cried while on the phone. I then had physical symptoms of anxiety for the rest of the day – not sure why. I was a little worried it would lead me to hurt myself. I didn’t want to ruin how I’ve been doing with that – it’s been a while. I don’t want to know or say how long, as it usually means I’ll slip up soon after. It’s better to not make a big deal out of it. But I’m trying to make better decisions each day.

What I learned from it:

• I can get upset about something, let my feelings out and not have to harm myself afterwards.
• Played games with family afterwards to lift my spirits.
• Have told her when things return to normal I’d like to speak to her in person about what I’ve been through with the WC.
• I’m better off distancing myself from them all at the moment. This lockdown business is hard enough without the added stress of that. I just need to get through it on my own, put those problems aside and deal with them when / if I return to the centre.
• I’m doing well at the moment.

 

What I achieved:

• The above.
• Finished my 50 miles for July… got up at 4.30am to do the last of my miles, before it got too hot later on… an achievement in itself… I’m NOT a morning person.
• Have now lost almost a stone since the start of July.
• Doing yoga more often.
• Being a calmer person generally.
• Learning to play proper chords on the guitar. Need a capo though…
• Finished crocheting my first little baby dress for my ‘baby’ Poppy… will likely write about her on the new blog at some point.

 

 

Tuesday Journal: 28/07/20

 

 

Things I am grateful for:

• Family
• Crochet
• Walking – really helps me feel better about myself
• Sleep – the exercise makes me more tired
• MM – person I follow online – very reassuring and honest

 

What I struggled with:

• Memories of my old friends and how each one hurt, betrayed and abandoned me…. seeing them all as awful people… as a collective. Knowing they’re carrying on with their lives, happy – knowing each other and likely not knowing the truth of what each did to me. A lot of anger and resentment. Powerlessness. Loneliness. Pain.

What I learnt from it:

• Not a lot. I wrote some of it out, then decided I didn’t want to be this angry, bitter person. I’m better than that. I don’t need ‘friends’ like them. If it means being alone forever then so be it. It’s better than having fake friends who will stab you in the back and drop you in the blink of an eye. Focus on myself, my interests, my aims. Nothing and nobody else matters.

 

What I achieved:

• The above. Moving through emotions. Not hurting myself.
• Reached 100,000 steps and did 10,000 on Saturday – earning 2 badges on my fundraising page.
• Managed to finally get a Switch for someone else.
• Joined a site, to follow someone who actually reports the real news. Feel connected, included and more at peace there than on social media.
• Had contact lens appointment by phone (hate using the phone).
• Been going out walking a lot more – like I was at the start of the year… not so scared of being outside now as I was the last few months.

 

 

 

Tuesday Journal 21/07/20 (and 14/07/20)

2 week journal this time as I forgot to do it last week….

Things I am grateful for:

• My new little ‘baby’ Poppy…. a Reborn doll – she’s kept me from hurting myself in the last couple of weeks.
• My determination – with my walking.
• Walks in the woods.
• My work friend.
• Water water water!
• Crochet

 

What  I struggled with: 

• Feelings of rejection….  memories of it, and it actually happening. Hearing from the WC that what little contact I had from them is moving to once a month…. made me feel hopeless – like this is the new normal. That I’ll never see my FP again.

What I learnt from it:

• To self-soothe. I cuddled ‘baby’ Poppy instead of hurting myself. In a way it was like cuddling my inner child who felt rejected. Know it sounds silly, but she’s a way of looking after myself.
• When urges arose I threw myself into making a cot out of a cardboard box and decorating it for Poppy, and making her little hats.  Distracted myself. It helped.
• To focus on myself and not worry about other people. Focus on my goals and do it alone.

 

Things I achieved:

• Walked over 30 miles – signed up to do 50 miles this month…. done over 83,000 steps out of my 500,000 – I am a bit behind but I will achieve it. I know I can.
• Met my work friend even though I didn’t feel in the mood to at the time. Had a nice walk together.
• Walked 7 miles to my nan’s house to surprise her.
• Didn’t hurt myself.
• Helped a bee by picking it up on a leaf. Considering how scared I used to be of them = progress.
• Continuing my routines – looking after my health and hygiene… even when I don’t want to.  Only the occasional slip.

Tuesday Journal: 07/07/20

Things I am grateful for:

• The trust of a little butterfly on my walk today – it was on the ground, in the dirt… it seemed like something was wrong with it, so I put my hand down next to it and it hopped right on and let me carry it to the greenery nearby, where it hid under a leaf. I hope it just needed a rest and wasn’t on its last legs…. but I’m grateful it trusted me enough to let me help. ❤
• It not being too hot atm. Bet it will be now…
• ASMR
• Animal Crossing
• Liv, even though she’s no longer here. ❤
• Crochet
• M&S Extremely Chocolatey Milk Chocolate Thins (biscuits)… yum!

 

 

What I struggled with:

• I’m not sure I had too much of a struggle this week really…. feels odd to say that. Sure I’ve had moments of anger and sadness about things from the past… and been missing people, but nothing world-shattering. So I’ll just go with the physical pains…. finger, wrist, back, feet, headaches…

What I’ve learnt from it:

• Stretches… exercise…. no pain, no gain. Must push through it and eventually the pain will lessen. Some injuries need rest…. some are a sign I’ve had too much rest!

 

Things I have achieved:

• I’ve started my half a million steps for Diabetes UK…. done over 21,000 steps so far.
• Started looking at yoga – hoping it might improve my flexibility and make my walks less painful – had such tightness in my hips / lower back when I started my walks this month… it’s better now. 🙂
• Written a few new blog posts… just need editing and posting.
• Learned c2c crochet.
• Got into more routines in the morning and night – taking more care of myself.
• Given up chocolate again. Allowed chocolate biscuits this time, but no chocolate.
• Lost 5 or 6 lbs from lifestyle changes. 🙂

Tuesday Journal: 30/06/20

Can’t believe it’s been 16 weeks I’ve been keeping these journals online, without my group… wonder how many more it’ll be…

 

 

Things I am grateful for:

• Family – a lot of time with them this week.
• Sleep … exercise helps me to sleep.
• ASMR videos / tracks.
• Painkillers – so much pain.
• Sane people, fighting against the collective insanity of society atm. And having a place to be able to communicate with those people – not that I’ve spoken out there yet.

 

 

What I struggled with:

• Body image. Hating every minute thing about myself. I couldn’t bear being in this body. Feeling it’ll only get worse from here as I get older. I’ll never be good enough for someone else, physically. I’ll never be attractive to anyone. I feel I’ve done this to myself. But in some ways I’ve been unfortunate, being cursed with a hormonal issue and the accompanying symptoms. I feel trapped in a body I don’t belong in. I hate myself.

What I learned from it:

• I can’t undo some of the damage caused to my body. But one thing I have some level of control over is my weight. I can at least try to lose weight. It starts tomorrow. Half a million steps in the next three months – 1 million if I can manage it. No more chocolate. Better choices. For me.

 

What I achieved:

• Finished my miles for this month – walked over 5 miles tonight.
• Signed up for the (Half) Million steps for Diabetes UK.
• Signed two petitions.
• Made sure my mum had a good birthday.
• Saw my brother for the first time in 3 months.
• Saw my nan again. Gave her the buttons I bought for her.
• Finally got the ASMR tracks I downloaded onto my MP3 player!

 

 

Tuesday Journal: 23/06/20.

This one will cover two weeks as I didn’t do last week….

 

Things I am grateful for:

• Painkillers – been in so much pain for the last ten days.
• Games -board / computer
• Having places to share my thoughts… even if I do have to edit myself a bit.

 

What I struggled with:

• Pain…. and not feeling very well…. plus feeling so tired / exhausted. Worried something might be wrong with me. Just can’t shake the neck pain & accompanying back / rib / shoulder / collarbone pain and headaches. Feel like I’m coming down with a cold or something too. And no amount of sleep helps with the fatigue. Feel rubbish physically and it’s affecting me mentally. Can’t really do anything.

What I learnt from it:

• Nothing. There’s nothing to learn from it. Other than to look after myself.

 

What I achieved:

• These first few will make it sound like I don’t appreciate the people and didn’t want to do the things I did, but it’s not that at all – I am so depressed at the moment, I have no motivation and everything is ‘too much’. That being said, I met my work friend on her birthday for a socially distanced walk.
• I finally saw my nan after 3 months, and showed her some of my crochet.
• I finally got round to replying to someone to explain and resolve something.
• Finished my little crochet project for someone’s birthday.
• Did some tidying, despite not feeling well.
• Persevered with reading crochet patterns that were hard to understand.
• Joined a new social media platform where my opinions are less likely to be attacked.
• Submitted a blog post to help others during lockdown – but think I misunderstood, so will be withdrawing it today.
• And just given feedback on something as requested…. going against my urge to totally ignore, given I was left with the impression not to contact the person in the future. But strictly business. Questions answered. Done and dusted.

 

 

Tuesday Journal: 09/06/20

*Self-harm theme*

 

 

Things I am grateful for:

•  Family – helping me with my arm over the weekend.
• Chocolate!
• Pain-relief – ice, painkillers, gels etc.
• Sleep.
• Games – board games & Animal Crossing.

 

What I struggled with:

• Self-harm again – been unable to stop. Think it’s because I’d gone over a month without any form of self-harm, which was a huge step for me this year… once I start I often can’t stop. Any time I was left alone in the house I felt I had to top up on the pain and damage… almost became a habit.

 

What I learned from it:

• That self-harm stops me being able to do the things that keep me sane – creative stuff. Need my hands for that.
• Be honest and reach out for help afterwards.
• That I won’t have a very ‘successful’ week & have much to add to these journals if I hurt myself, to the point of being unable to do anything.

 

 

Things I achieved:

• Told someone about my arm injury so they could help – and prepared to actually go and have it looked at, but didn’t need to in the end.
•  Sorted out my diazepam situation – meant phoning the doctor’s today and receiving a phone call back too (hate using the phone, but did it).
•  Resting my arm – treating it right for a few days – meant stopping crochet, guitar and everything I enjoy, and left me rather bored, but more important to heal, rather than pushing through pain to pretend I was fine – which I had done for the first couple of days….
• Finished the online shopping for a family member’s birthday coming up.
• The weekly shop, despite secretly being in pain at the time.

 

 

Tuesday Journal: 26/05/20

This one covers the last two weeks, as I never got round to doing my Tuesday journal last week. How I’ll remember everything from the last two weeks I have no idea!!

 

Things I am grateful for:

• Water (as usual!) – essential and refreshing. Can solve most ailments.
• Crochet (as usual!) – keeps me sane.
•  Animal Crossing game – absolutely love it!! So much better than the Wii game I used to play. Addicted to it. But before anyone says anything, I’m not into the social element of it – playing with others – yet. Happy enough on my own.
•  Cooler days. Can’t stand this hot weather.
• People who talk to me, but also people who understand when I can’t talk to others.
• The friendly cat I met yesterday on my walk – beautiful and cheered me up entirely. I’m someone who feels so rejected if cats run off when I talk to them. This one wanted me there! So I was happy. 🙂
• Our neighbours who randomly gave us some flowers and chocolates, just because they recognised how much we do for others (shopping for our elderly next door neighbour & my nan). They thought we deserved a treat. Was so lovely and unexpected, and warmed my heart. ❤

 

What I struggled with:

• Anger…. some to do with politics the last couple of days. Could do without that crap. But also anger at the Wellbeing Centre (frustration), and mainly anger at my former friend for abandoning me like she did, and her response or lack thereof, to my last communication with her. Will write about it sometime, to let it out, but it’s played on my mind a lot recently, as my God-daughter’s birthday was the other day. I’m angry at my former friend for destroying the bond I had with her daughter. That’s the thing I’ll never recover from… losing the kids. I just can’t understand the mentality that causes someone to ditch someone at their lowest, and to respond to feelings of hurt, or someone standing up and saying something wasn’t fair or right, with silence, rather than a ‘You’re right, it wasn’t fair and I’m sorry’. I just don’t get it. I don’t understand her, and I don’t understand what I ever did to deserve being treated the way I was. It’s not fair or right, and I hope one day she’ll understand what she did wrong and feel bad about it, rather than blaming me for what happened.

What I learnt from it:

• In terms of the political anger – step away. Come off Twitter for now. I’m fragile and on edge at the moment for certain reasons. My anger can be easily triggered. Must avoid those triggers.
•  In terms of the Wellbeing Centre – at the moment I’ve learnt to close down from them. I can’t pretend I’m okay with them. I’m not. But just like with my former friend, they won’t listen to or understand what I’m saying. There’s no point saying anything more to them. It’ll only lead to more frustration and anger.
• And in terms of the stuff with my former friend – that’s a work in progress. I can’t say I’ve learnt anything from it as it’s still happening. I just need to process some stuff. I don’t talk about or write about it anymore. So it’s built-up inside me. This lockdown is making me face stuff I’d buried. So I need to work through it.
• It’s okay to be angry. When people treat you wrong, I think anger is a healthy sign – it shows that you know you deserve better – which means you value yourself enough to say that something wasn’t right and you’re worth more than what they did to you.
• It wasn’t my fault what happened. I may never understand why it happened. I may never forgive her for how she cut me out of her life. But to be honest if she can cut me out so cruelly, then I’m better off without her. I clearly never knew her. I didn’t know the potential for such cold abandonment was lurking in my life all those years. I trusted her. I thought I was safe with her. It’s better to know the truth than to forever live a lie. But it was not my fault and I did not deserve it. Yes I can accept she had her own issues to deal with. I fully acknowledged that and sympathised. I even said she should focus on herself and her own mental health. That was caring. But I still had a right to stand up for myself and say I didn’t deserve to pay the price for her issues with other people. If she can’t acknowledge the hurt she caused me, then I’m better off out of that situation anyway. I need people who take responsibility for themselves and aren’t afraid of accountability and admitting mistakes and apologising for them.
• So in a way I guess the anger is teaching me about myself. It’s teaching me my values, morals, the good qualities I have inside (somewhere – they’ve got a bit lost lately!), and it’s helping me find my boundaries, my expectations of others, and in a sense although the ‘Why?’ aspect does affect my self-worth, it’s also a battle between feeling I must’ve done something to deserve it, and knowing I did NOTHING to deserve it (good self-worth). So people who try to break you can sometimes be the people to strengthen you and your belief in yourself. God that sounds profound. I don’t truly believe all this yet, but I’m working on it. I can’t let this destroy me. Got enough trying to do that already…

 

What I’ve achieved:

•  Learning lots of new crochet ideas.
•  Joined an online MH community recommended by the Wellbeing Centre… felt like a good step, but having looked at it more now, I’m not sure it’s a healthy environment, as there’s so much triggering stuff on it and seems to be no moderating going on. Just lots of people saying they don’t want to live anymore, and nobody doing anything about it. So probably won’t continue on there.
• Spoke to my nan on the phone for quite a while. I know that sounds daft, but I don’t tend to talk to anyone on the phone usually, even her. But wanted to cheer her up as I’ve not seen her in weeks.
• Grew sunflowers – we’re having a family competition. Mine actually grew!! I’m currently third place out of four though, but at least it’s growing!
• Walked four miles yesterday. Longest walk since lockdown I think….
• Managed four weeks without any self-harm. Please don’t celebrate this too much though, as it never usually lasts… normally get triggered and slip up soon after celebrating a milestone. It will happen. But even though it will, I guess it’s still an achievement to have gone pretty much a month without it. Compared to earlier in the year, it’s good.  I remember writing these journals at the Centre and an achievement being going a week without self-harm… so four of them is an improvement.

 

 

 

Tuesday Journal: 12/05/20

Things I am grateful for:

• My new friend – & for inviting me to the Crochet Therapy group – given me lots of ideas and inspiration, and might connect me to lots of other people with a shared hobby.
• The Hermes lady who keeps delivering parcels to me lately – she doesn’t know it but she’s a lifesaver. Crochet and other creative things are the only thing keeping me going right now. So she is actually saving my life by doing her job.
• Finally managing to order a Nintendo Switch!
• Brief moments of not feeling unwell – had various ailments this week…
• Water, as usual. Cures most things!

 

What I struggled with:

• My key worker not phoning me on the first anniversary of my friend’s suicide, despite saying she would. Will blog about it later. But she phoned yesterday instead and sent my mood right down. Felt so disconnected from her. Didn’t want to hear from her.

What I learnt from it:

• I’m alone.
• Everyone lets you down.
• I learnt to get through it on my own…. it’s not to be seen as a good thing though, as my trust is damaged now, and I won’t open up and ask for help again.

 

What I achieved:

• Crocheted a baby’s cardigan.
• Got through the first anniversary of Liv’s death.
• Got through the week without harming myself.
• Finished crocheting my triangular wrap.
• Replied to people, where I could.

 

 

‘Tuesday’ Journal: 05/05/20

Oops, forgot my Tuesday journal this week! So will do it today (Friday 08/05/20), from Tuesday last week until now….

 

 

Things I’m grateful for: 

• Food!
• Water!
•  Crochet….
•  Sleep….

(Not very imaginative this week I’m afraid!)

 

What I struggled with:

• Illness & pain. Keep feeling really rundown. Have had awful headaches. Pulled something in my neck too. And other ailments as well.

What I learnt from it:

• Take it easy.
• Take some time to really rest.
• Drink more – need to work on this.
• Started taking vitamins religiously.
• Look after mental health as that affects physical health too.

 

What I achieved:

• I asked my key worker to phone me yesterday as it was the first anniversary of the death of my friend, and people don’t tend to support me in my grief, so I wanted to feel I wasn’t alone with it. She said she would. She didn’t. Major cock-up. But at least I asked for what I needed rather than just wallowing in self-pity. Not my fault she let me down.
• I crocheted a baby cardigan for the first time – not thrilled with it. A lot to improve on, but it’s okay for a first attempt I suppose.
•  Tried to communicate a bit more with people this week – haven’t got round to everyone – focused more on Facebook people and my blog. Will get to Twitter soon hopefully. Little steps. I’m doing my best. Phoned my work friend too, which was hard to do, but important I did it. A lot more I need to do still but I’ll get there.
•  Got through the first anniversary of Liv’s passing, on my own pretty much.

 

 

 

Tuesday Journal: 28/04/20

Will be blogging about the hell of the last week, but thought I ought to get the journal thing out of the way first…

 

 

Things I’m grateful for:

• Being able to get the wool to continue crocheting my blankets! Managed to order my purple wool at about 3am the other day. Crochet is life right now.
• Chocolate.
• Diazepam.
• Painkillers & other pain-relievers.
• Music.
• Playing the old Animal Crossing game on the Wii. Wish I could get the new console & game though…..

 

What I struggled with:

• Being upset by ‘X’, talking about it to my key worker & ending up even more misunderstood and invalidated. Will be blogging about this separately, but basically ended up with me feeling too frustrated to know how to externalise it healthily. Feel none of them ever listen to me. They fob me off with excuses and ‘reasons’ for doing things, whilst ignoring the fact I know the whole story – I know the facts and I know my feelings and both are being overlooked here. What they’re saying doesn’t make sense, so that means the truth isn’t involved. They’re just covering each other’s arses, whilst sending my mental health spiralling.

What I learnt from it:

• Not to bother talking to the Wellbeing Centre about anything. Not whilst in isolation – they only make me worse.
• People are dumb. They don’t read properly…. no matter how clearly I spell things out for them they’ll still misinterpret it and leave me banging my head against a brick wall. It’s not my problem – it’s theirs.  But I deserve better than this.
• Don’t care about X…. or anyone really. Need to learn how to not care about others.
• I should never have told the Centre about my feelings for X. It’s only with hindsight I can see it was a mistake… but I really thought they’d be more help than the IAPT service were a couple of years ago.
• I’m going to have to work through this on my own, as other people only make it worse.
• I’m more angry with X now than I am worried about him. Maybe that’ll do me some good.

 

What I achieved:

• Made another NHS frontline ‘bear’ – except it’s not a bear… it’s a pig! It’s rubbish, so won’t be sharing a pig-ture.
• Have so far crocheted nine squares for my new blanket…
• A couple more walks. Hope to finish my miles tomorrow.
• Guess you could call emailing my key worker an achievement, even though it led to a mental health crisis for me last night….. I’ve been told I’m brave for tackling issues like I do. Not sure about that. Starting to think it’s stupidity not bravery. And I definitely went too far last night. Embarrassed by that. Will write about it later.
•  Not doing so well at achieving things at the moment to be honest. Just surviving is the achievement. It’s been a terrible week for me.