I’ve not blogged for some time now…. that’s because life felt a little better for a while. Now it feels like everything is collapsing around me.
I had an MRI on Thursday, where afterwards I was told to not wait until my appointment in January to discuss the results… to chase them up. This told me that they might have seen something on my scan, that I should be concerned about… more than what I already know is there. So, I spent all day Thursday, convinced I have cancer and that I’m going to die.
I already started treatment with medication for my pituitary tumour last week… the side-effects are challenging. I get headaches, tiredness and it’s affecting my mood. I take half a pill once a week. So, I’ll have it say on Monday, have the headaches and tiredness but otherwise be fine with my mood…. but by the end of the week, the levels drop and my mood crashes…. it just so happens that the end of the last two weeks, have left me with things to be upset about… so I spend the weekends feeling suicidal and crying… thinking nobody cares and I have nothing left to live for. I’m hoping it will even out eventually… but right now it’s an emotional rollercoaster and I need support and stability in my life. I don’t feel I have that…. which admittedly could be the low mood talking. But the consistency and safety I need at the end of the week, never seems to be there…. it’s like my support system mimics the emotional rollercoaster. The depression I feel, tells me to push everyone away… stop talking to them, as they don’t care about me. And then they do care about me, and things feel better…. and then the mood crashes again, and the support wains… and the world is ending again, and I have nothing good left in my life. I’m sick of it.
I should have made sure I had a stable support system around me, before I started the treatment… but I had no idea it would affect my mood this badly. Now I just have to muddle through it and hope I can survive it on my own. I just wish I wasn’t on my own. This is a huge deal for me… having to go through all the tests and treatment again…. plus, the anxiety of ‘what is it they’ve seen, that’s so urgent I should chase them up for the result?’… I’m scared. I’m overwhelmed.
And I feel I’m in the process of losing everything and everyone, just when I need them most. The mental health team are looking to discharge me soon. And connections I’ve made, I feel are slipping away. It’s all too much. I just want to feel safe and protected again. I want to be happy. I want to go back three months. Where I am right now is unbearable. It’s too hard to face. But I will face it alone, as I’m on too much of a rollercoaster as it is… I can’t afford to throw ‘uncertainty’ and ‘loss’ into the mix, on top of everything else. If nobody will be there for me, I must be there for myself, purely for myself, by myself. I have to prioritise my health. I have to give myself what others won’t. I know full well I’m holding people at a distance now, and saying ‘I don’t need anyone’… I’m doing that to protect myself from the fact I do need someone but can’t face the rejection that comes with unmet needs. But it is what it is. I feel myself shutting down, unable to communicate with people anymore. I hate this feeling…. this is what ended my 13-year friendship in the past… hopefully these feelings will improve. If not, I’ll be right back where I started after my breakdown two years ago.
It felt so bad on Thursday night that I wished for it to be cancer, and that I’d die, so I didn’t have to endure this life anymore. That’s how alone I feel. That’s how hurt I feel. It’s how hopeless and depressed I feel. If it ends up being the case, I won’t tell anyone outside of my family… because nobody cares anyway. They may care when I’m gone… but unlikely.
I’m sorry this is so negative, but this is the reality of my mood in relation to the treatment for my tumour… this is what I’m having to endure at the end of each week. And as I have nobody to really talk to about it, I need to let it out somewhere. I did talk about all of this at the group I went to today… it helped a little, to have some amount of support, even if it is distant care and support. It’s better than nothing.
I guess time will tell if there’s something wrong…. and hopefully the treatment will help, and the mood changes will ease. I just have to hold on for dear life in the meantime.
More Harm Than Good 