*Self-harm / suicide / swearing*
Since I no longer want to open my mouth and speak to anyone ever again, I want to express myself in this way… I’m an idiot… ‘a dick’… stupid… useless. The last two days have proven that.
Unfortunately, either due to my mental health or my autism, my memory sucks and I can’t focus or retain information like I used to. I’m also stumbling over my words or going blank in conversation. It started in the Post Office yesterday, when I didn’t catch what the person said to me, then I realised and ended up almost quickly barking a response to her, simply because I felt stupid for not hearing. To be fair, they do still hide behind plastic screens, which do make it harder to hear. But I couldn’t get out of there quick enough.
Then I had a difficult wellbeing group. I left in a slightly delicate state, due to the masking and how exhausting it is… plus anxiety of speaking out… plus the subject… plus sensory overload the whole time due to someone in the group…plus someone mentioning they want to kill themselves, just at the end of the session, which is rather triggering for others…. and then I was in a rush to get the bus….
I got on the bus… same bus driver I didn’t like the previous week, as he drives very fast and is rather arrogant/cocky in my opinion. Whether it was because I thought he remembered me, or because my mind was absent and thinking I was catching the other bus, where the fare is capped at £2 – and if you say you want a single, they’ll cut you off and say £2 before you even finish saying where to… I asked for a single. So of course, he asked a single to where, as if I was stupid… I managed to bumble something about ‘oh yeah you’re not part of the scheme are you…’, in the meantime he’s obviously getting impatient with my stupidity.
So, I say the name of the road I want to go to… apparently that’s not enough for him…. he needs to know whereabouts it is, so he knows the zone…. mate, if you don’t know the roads you’re driving along, maybe you shouldn’t be driving a bus. Unfortunately, my mind went blank at that moment because he was so short and sharp, that it shocked me, but at the same time it felt he was rushing me.
The trouble is, I look like a fully capable person… because I mask. He wouldn’t know I had a hidden disability. To be honest he’s the sort, that even if he knew, it wouldn’t make him any nicer or more patient. I’ve seen enough to know that about him. But I appear neurotypical, so I’m simply viewed as an idiot. Oh and he called me ‘love’, despite probably being younger than me… that also wound me up.
He pulled away very quickly, leaving me flopping into my seat. I was very upset. I nearly had a full meltdown in front of people. I wanted to punch the seats in front of me, or the window. I wanted to find something in my bag or use my nails and harm myself. The urge was overwhelming. I used some of the wellness tools I’ve discovered, to try and calm down. I was virtually crying. I wrote out how I felt. It was only a short bus ride really…. and in crisis mode I decided to leave a note behind, to tell the driver that people like him are the reason I couldn’t leave the house and catch a bus for months on end…. that I’m autistic and the anxiety of getting on the bus is something he couldn’t imagine. I don’t really remember what I said totally, but I said I’d use the other bus company from now on, as even they’re less abrupt than he was.
I feel really shit having left that, but it was that, have a meltdown, or confront the driver (which I wouldn’t have the balls to do). He’ll probably never have seen it anyway. It was so distressing for me… firstly because I hate that my mind is failing me at the moment and there’s nothing I can do about it…. but also because I had come so far to be able to get on buses again on my own… now because of him, I don’t want to catch them anymore…. I’m scared to get on those buses again…. he’s undone so much hard work.
I went home and harmed myself. Probably been at least a couple of months since I hurt myself. Things had been deteriorating for me for a couple of weeks… with the gerbil dying, and a family member now seeming to have unfriended me on Facebook, plus thinking about my friend who killed herself. My CCO’s been off ill, so just had to muddle through for the last month. It was inevitable I would relapse. I didn’t want to start again, because when I do, I can’t stop. Also, once I’ve relapsed it affects my mood even more and makes me more secretive and fragile…. so people don’t know how I’m feeling and why, so often end up upsetting me and not understanding why. Like just now.
Someone told me something, and within five minutes I had forgotten it and made myself look like a total idiot, yet again… they laughed, called me a dick and said, ‘you haven’t forgotten already have you!?’… I hid under a blanket and asked them to not call me a dick… and quietly cried, as it triggered off how stupid I felt yesterday, and the self-harm urges again. I don’t think they realised anything was wrong, as I don’t want to talk about yesterday.
And now I’ve fallen out with someone else, because I don’t want to talk about it all tonight…. so bugger it all. I’m done talking…. I should just go mute. Less trouble that way, and people might be able to see I have a problem, rather than thinking I’m ‘normal’, therefore should be performing better than I’m capable of right now. I feel I should wear the sunflower lanyard, with a note on it saying, ‘I’m autistic and currently a stupid idiot as a result. Sorry’. I do feel I need to warn people that I’m thick, have a shit memory and can’t process things as fast anymore. But really all I want is to be alone. To not go out. Not talk to people. At all. Just isolate myself forever, as I’m clearly too stupid for this fast-paced ‘perfect’ world. And to top it all off, I have to perform for family tomorrow. Fat chance of that being possible right now. Had to take a pill last night. Probably have to do the same tonight too.
Anyway, I’ll shut up now, as I feel stupid even talking on here.
More Harm Than Good 